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EXCLUSIVE!!

Vol 9 Issue 3 * FALL 2011

HAPPY TRAILS!

OZZIE HEADS TO MIAMI RETIREMENT HOME WITH BIG Z CUTLER GETS HELP

BRIGGS TRADED!

PRO BOWLER DEALT TO magical team that showers NFL LETS QB CARRY aging linebackers with cash and unicorns SACKSHIELDTM


Removed himself as candidate for Cubs manager job this winter!

Bob Brenly named ‘Smartest Man Alive’ for staying in booth

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ubs’ TV analyst Bob Brenly is quite the renaissance man -- World Series champion, coyly smug team critic, mustache aficionado -- but his new accolade may be the most impressive of them all. Mensa has awarded Brenly the coveted “smartest man alive” title after Brenly thumbed his nose at former Cubs’ GM Jim Hendry last offseason and refused consideration for the Cubs’ skipper position. “I thought I was a shoe-in for the ‘common sense’ award, but I will gladly accept ‘smartest man alive’,” Brenly said. “My doctor told me if I had become the Cubs manager I would either

have an ulcer the size of a nectarine or would be completely bald right now. On second thought, both of those sound more appealing than being manager of the Cubs.” Brenly finished ahead of a prestigious group of nominees, including physicist Stephen Hawking, world chess champion Garry Kasparov, and some guy who bought a lot of Apple stock 30 years ago. As his first decree as the world’s smartest man, Brenly suggested that anyone who willingly and/or soberly watches Cubs baseball to be a "hindrance to society’s future.”

Mensa is currently considering nominees for “dumbest man alive” and is leaning toward Cubs owner Tom Ricketts or Hendry. When reached for comment, a Mensa spokesman said, “While Ricketts and Hendry are fine options, it will also be cheaper to consolidate the smartest man and dumbest man ceremonies at one common location. You don’t have to be a genius to figure that out.”

Cubs hunt for new GM and Jerry Angelo is atop short list for position!

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he universal elation felt by Cubs fans over the dismissal of Jim Hendry quickly turned to the more familiar emotion of complete dismay with the news that Bears GM Jerry Angelo heads the short list of candidates to take over the position.

“Our general managers have proudly carried on a long tradition of incompetence for more than a century,” said owner Tom Ricketts. “Who better to pick up that torch than Jerry, who has already demonstrated a keen knack for disastrous

financial mismanagement, as well as a lack of any basic ability to evaluate talent. He’s the perfect fit for us.” Tracked down wandering aimlessly around Halas Hall, Angelo was already working the phones, trying to convince Olin Kreutz that he’d make a good catcher once he’s done leading the Saints to another Super Bowl title. “Does anyone have Zambrano’s number?” Angelo asked. “We need to talk about a big extension. In fact, I’m giving Forte’s money to him.”


Soriano and Campana: Getting it done! by TIM BAFFOE

Smooth Operators: Soriano was spotted pushing Campana around in a stroller to pick up chicks

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ubs outfielder Alfonso Soriano has a reputation of enjoying the night life and being quite good with the ladies. But he’s hit a snag of late.

“With the economy the way it is the Chicago club scene has taken a major hit,” said Soriano. “Not as fun as it used to be.” Fewer club-goers means less female companionship for Soriano. However, he appears to have found a solution as he was seen Tuesday afternoon pushing a stroller down the running path on Lake Shore Drive, which is always crowded in the summer with very attractive women. More than once during his trip

along the lake, Soriano was approached by one or even a small group of women. And who was in the stroller to attract these ladies? “Tony Campana, man,” said Soriano. “Dude is a complete magnet for chicks.” The undersized and baby-faced Cubs speedster seemed content in the stroller with an ice cream cone, most of which was on his face and shirt. “I like going for walks with Fonzy,” he said. “I like ice cream, too. I don’t like when girls pinch my cheeks, though.”

Soriano reportedly got phone numbers of seven women Tuesday, including Maya Lombard, a personal trainer. “That little Tony is completely adorable!” said Lombard. “I could just eat him up when he smiles!” It is the perfect plan, according to Soriano, because Campana believes “girls are icky,” but as long as he’s occupied with sugar or napping in the stroller, he’s the perfect lure for Lake Shore women. Other teammates have asked Soriano to borrow Campana, but Campana supposedly is too fussy with others for now.

Campana overslides bag, disappears into ivy for ground-rule double

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by DAN BRADLEY

ony Campana’s blazing speed around the bases has already gained him a cult following at Wrigley Field this season. But a key part of his skill is still unharnessed: his slide.

During Friday's game against the Cardinals, Campana overslid second while stretching a single into a double, took off through the rain-slicked outfield grass and disappeared into the vines along the wall. Cards left fielder Matt Holiday promptly threw his hands up into the air, signaling that the Cubs’ speedster was no longer visible. “I didn’t see any tag applied,” said umpire Dana De-

Muth after the play. “And now we can’t find the runner. So ... safe?" Major League Baseball had never witnessed a play quite like this before. Koyie Hill was called on to pinch run and the inning continued with both sides agreeing on the ground-rule double. After the inning, Campana was found to be resting comfortably deep within the tangles of the ivy, munching on half a stale hot dog. The team of grounds crew members and medical staff that excavated the outfielder reported him to be in a sound mental and physical state and complaining only about his leg being asleep.

“No big rush,” Campana told them. “But I think this vine is trying to pollinate me.” Cubs equipment managers are now considering fitting Campana’s jersey with an Indy-car-style parachute he can deploy before sliding. Strategically placed hockey nets have also been discussed. “Good kid. Good speed,” said opposing manager Tony La Russa, who witnessed Campana’s epic slide. “Albert [Pujols] could run faster, though, if he wanted.”


Big Z’s Golden Years Zambrano is quickly adjusting to his new lifestyle and even has some new buddies by NICK KOTWICA

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ecently retired Carlos Zambrano wasted no time making the transition to retiree by purchasing a town home at the Palm Vista Active Adult Community in Coconut Grove, Florida. The 30-year-old former hurler has settled in the retirement village and, just like his playing days, is generating buzz everywhere from the horseshoe pit to the room where everyone waits for the mail. "Oh, yeah, the Z. Don't get me started," said Ethel Weintraub, who is the president of the card and board game committee. "He lost a

game of pinochle to Helen and I and he took a bat and demolished the coffee machine. It was crazy" Indeed, while Zambrano no longer wears a big league uniform, it's stories like that one and more that show he's lost none of the fire. Howard Kellerman recalled a recent game of bocce ball with Carlos "Real cocky, you know?" Kellerman said. "After every turn with the pointing to the sky. And Old Man Chester looks up every time, like he's looking for an airplane, because he's kind of losing his marbles, though he won't admit it. And the brawl at bingo that Carlos started too! There hasn't been this much uproar at Palm Vista since the coffee shop switched dessert from tapioca to Jell-o."

old Zeke Williamson went deep against Carlos in a game of Wii baseball. Zambrano swore to himself in Spanish and brushed Williamson off in his next plate appearance. "He sure seemed sore after I crushed that home run," said Williamson. "But that's what he gets for hanging another curve ball up in the zone." Zambrano, however, says he's finally found a home. Morning mall walking and early bird dinners are all part of the routine for him now. And the future may even bring a reunion. "I'm hoping to meet up with Lou Piniella at jai alai," said Zambrano, "but it has to be during the day because he still can't drive at night, I think."

The mood grew incredibly tense when 93-year-

Brett Farve to give Zambrano pointers on un-retiring

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arlier this week Carlos Zambrano announced he does not plan on retiring as he previously indicated and wishes to remain on the Cubs. Upon hearing of Zambrano's attempted unretirement, Brett Favre chartered a flight to Chicago to coach Zambrano on how to properly retire and subsequently un-retire. "Carlos made a few rookie mistakes early in his ongoing retirement saga," said Favre. "First of all, by retiring in the middle of the game, he missed out on the best part of retiring which is sending cryptic text messages

by JEFF GOODSMITH

to ESPN and Sports Illustrated so they can speculate for weeks about your retirement status. And he was far too quick to renege on his retirement. It was just really sloppy, and that's where I hope my expertise can help." While Zambrano spends 30 days on the disqualified list, he plans to go over an intensive lesson plan with the former Packers, Jets and Vikings quarterback that will include lessons on oddly open-ended language to use in retirement press conferences, how to make the media cover you every day while you make your final decision, and how to make your coach pick you up from the

airport while news choppers follow above. Zambrano expressed excitement at the chance to work with the legendary football star. "I learned that retiring and then saying I'm not retired, is not as easy as I thought it would be," said Zambrano. "I welcome the chance to learn from one of the greatest professional flip-floppers of all time and hopefully it'll be reflected in my ambiguous retirement announcement this off-season."


‘Joe Buck’ trending on Twitter for some inexplicable reason by ANDY LANDGREBE

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portscaster Joe Buck was recently one of the highest trending Twitter subjects, and was therefore validated as inexplicably relevant for a period of time. Sports fans everywhere have been forced to listen to Buck on national television drone through NFL and MLB broadcasts. Following an investigation, however, it seems the world was back in alignment when the trending subject about the broadcaster was entitled #JoeBuckSucks. Several hundred thousand Twitter accounts followed

the trend by chiming in with their favorite explanations as to why #JoeBuckSucks. Many of the accounts pulled off the internet following the trend had conspicuous names attached to them. These were some of the notable postings: @TheTimMcCarver: #JoeBuckSucks because his voice alone could put a coked up Robin Williams in a coma. @GOPCurtSchill: My kids sound more excited when they go to the dentist than he does calling the Super Bowl #JoeBuckSucks.

Retired Cubs manager Lou Piniella gave his own two cents on the incident in a recent interview. “I don’t know who the heck Twitter is," said Piniella. “But if I am half-popped on Vodka and hear Joe Buck’s voice on TV, I usually do about $2,000 in damage to my living room.”

Computer glitch erases games before August; Cubs briefly in playoff hunt by JEFF GOODSMITH

WGN camera catches unsuspecting fan paying attention to game by BRIAN SUMMERFIELD

During today's game between the Cubs and Brewers at the Friendly Confines, the broadcast team captured something even more interesting than seagulls defecating on fans in the bleachers. Going into the seventh inning, cameras caught a fan actually following the action on the field. “Hey Bob, wake up for a minute. Is that a … yes, it is! That fan with the glasses and ballcap in the fourth row of 218 is actually filling out a scorecard!” said Cubs play-by-play man Len Kasper when he saw the footage. “And he appears to be keeping up with Pat and Keith’s radio broadcast through those headphones

he’s wearing.” “Huh, what?” color commentator Bob Brenly responded. “Oh hey, you’re right, Len! And look, his phone is in his front pocket! He’s not checking into FourSquare or texting his friends about whether they want to meet at Murphy’s or the Sports Corner after the game. I have to say, he looks kind of familiar, but I can’t place him.” The commentators spent several more minutes marveling at the young man’s focus and level of interest before realizing it was Steve Bartman.

In an unprecedented event, a mass power failure of Major League Baseball facilities housing the servers that contain the results of the majority of this year’s baseball games has essentially erased all results of the 2011 MLB season before Aug. 1. As a result of this computer glitch, the Cubs find themselves in the thick of the playoff race with a revised record of 11 wins and five losses. “While I sympathize with teams such as the Phillies, whose once insurmountable divisional leads have vanished due to this error, it truly was a godsend for our squad,” said Cubs manager Mike

Quade. “I always said it would take a miracle for us to make the playoffs, and it looks like we got it.” While many of the Cubs players have expressed their excitement to finally be in the playoff picture this late into the season, others expressed skepticism. “Well it’s great to be in the lead for the Wild Card at the moment, but when we went on this hot streak we did it with no pressure on us whatsoever,” said Aramis Ramirez. “Once you start talking about ‘playoffs’ we’re just going to sink faster than the Pirates.”

Baby wails uncontrollably upon receiving Cubs beanie by ANDY LANDGREBE

Proud parents Nancy and Steve Maserzenski were celebrating their beautiful baby Michael’s first birthday when something went horribly wrong. When it was time to open gifts, baby Michael was thrilled at most of the presents, until he opened one revealing a tiny beanie sporting the Cubs logo on it. The headwear horrified the baby, and little Michael wailed uncontrollably. It was at the tender age of one that little Michael realized he was doomed for a lifetime of letdown and heartache. Mother Nancy Maserzenski said she has noticed a visible change in her son’s behavior since receiving the gift. “Every time he crawls by his little bat and ball he just shakes his head and sighs,” said Nancy. “Yesterday he saw Mike Quade on TV and threw Cheerios at him.”


BEARS REPLACE SOLDIER FIELD SOD WITH FLUBBER by CARY NATHENSON

“Safety, and giving Devin Hester a competitive advantage under the new kick-off rules. Flubber meets both our goals.�

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he Bears and the Chicago Park District reached an agreement today to replace Soldier Field's natural grass turf with Flubber. Grass is considered more forgiving than artificial surfaces, but the sod at Soldier Field had come under close scrutiny of late, with the Bears accusing the park district of not maintaining a safe, playable field.

"Safety is our No. 1 priority," said Bears CEO George McCaskey. "Safety, and giving Devin Hester a competitive advantage under the new kick-off rules. Flubber meets both our goals." Flubber, or "flying rubber," was invented in 1961 by Professor Ned "Absent-Minded" Brainard. Flubber absorbs impact and responds by releasing even greater energy, allowing people and materials to bounce unnaturally high. Previous applications of Flubber were limited to helping the local high school basketball team win the big game, but the material was deemed commercially not viable due to its fictional qualities. Recent breakthroughs in Bears fans' willing suspension of disbelief, however, such as trusting that off-season roster moves have improved the team, has revived the stock of this forgotten Disney product. "Oh, yeah. This is going to be huge," Hester told the press. "I, like, just have to grab the kickoff and take one jump and, bam, I'm 26 feet over the heads of those suckers!" Bears quarterback Jay Cutler also spoke highly of Flubber's potential.

"It totally opens up new range for my receivers," said Cutler. "I'll be able to throw the ball intentionally well out of their range and they will still be able to pull it down, if they time their jumps right." The Park District hopes to have the new Flubber turf installed for the second preseason game at Soldier Field on Sept. 1, but the head groundskeeper said the process could take longer if Flubber "needs to be watered or something really difficult like that."

Bears consider using two rows of offensive linemen to protect Cutler

by MICHAEL KLOEMPKEN

ing a new formation that could change the way many teams line up. Created by Mike Martz, this new formation will utilize a second row of offensive linemen, set behind the first row, to give the quarterback maximum protection.

The Bears have done everything they can to protect Jay Cutler, from changing offensive linemen's positions and adding a bigger tight end, to developing schemes trying to tie defenders' shoe laces together and spitting in their eyes before the snap. Sadly, it's left them with only one choice. Much like how they revolutionized NFL offenses with the T-Formation back in the 40's, the Bears are develop-

"We need to protect our franchise quarterback, and without an extra row of linemen to help out, we just don't think it's possible for Jay to get through an entire season alive," said Martz, who has a "mad scientist" reputation in the NFL. "Heck, it's not like we score a lot of points as an offense anyway; we might as well just try to keep everyone healthy." The big concern is that now that there will be two rows of offensive linemen, there won't be any spots left on the field for receivers or running backs to play and score points. But given the Bears recent history, coaches and

players have brushed this off as nonsense. The Bears under Lovie Smith have basically been playing football backwards since he was hired as the head coach. Relying on the defense and special teams to score points, they've managed to only use the offense to gain favorable field position instead of putting points on the board. Plus, the offense is near the bottom of the league in every offensive category anyway, so they might as well just accept the fact that they're just serving as a defense in disguise. "I'm excited for this formation," said Cutler, who statistically has added ten more years to his life expectancy with this new formation. "It's about time we realize that our offense just isn't cut out to play offense in the NFL, and let the defense handle everything. It's been that way for years, and it's about time we just accept it."


Tallon accused of trying to clone Blackhawks players! After attempting to clone six Chicago stars, the Panthers are in deep trouble

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by GEORGE ELLIS uthorities have arrested Florida Panthers GM Dale Tallon after the former Hawks exec reportedly tried to clone half a dozen Chicago players using DNA obtained from stolen practice equipment.

Tallon began meddling with cellular cloning after the Hawks refused to trade him Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane. Not content with solid but unremarkable exHawks like Kris Versteeg, Tomas Kopecky, Jack Skille and Brian Campbell, the diabolical Panthers GM set up a “Frankenstein-like” lab in the basement of the BankAtlantic Center.

Indeed, authorities found four gestating Toews heads in jars of formaldehyde in the lab, along with “most of a Marian Hossa” and a wall completely covered in “patches of Patrick Sharp’s flowing black locks,” according to a female officer.

“Yeah Johnny Boyyyyyyyyyy!” Tallon cackled maniacally as police dragged him away. “He’s aliiiive! Stanley! Stanley!”

It’s not yet known what will happen to the monstrous creations, but Sharks GM Doug Wilson has already left numerous messages saying he’d gladly adopt the cloned Hawks regardless of their condition.

Lovie hires his 78-year-old aunt to Quenneville’s mustache now last remaining piece of 2010 coach Bears defensive backs Stanley Cup team by GEORGE ELLIS

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aving already trusted various friends and relatives with key roles they don’t deserve, Bears head coach Lovie Smith turned to his 78-year-old Aunt Gertie to oversee the team’s secondary.

“They let me gift a job to my son and keep Bob [Babich] on board despite terrible job performance, so I figured that meant I could hire more people who don’t belong in the organization,” said Smith as he helped his Aunt Gertie to the podium. “Auntie G will oversee the development of the team’s defensive scheme, except after 4 p.m. on Thursdays, when she has her weekly knitting club with the girls.” Despite Gertie’s stunning lack of football knowledge and senile tendencies, the

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by JEFF GOODSMITH

fter the Hawks made a series of substantial roster moves at the end of the last two seasons, the rich, hearty mustache of coach Joel Quenneville is now the only remaining contributer left on the team that won the 2010 Stanley Cup.

septuagenarian will be paid $155,000 this season. “This microphone is too high,” she complained. “My … look at all you people!” Added Gertie: “Are my programs on yet?”

Quenneville's mustache, which is under contract through the 2013-2014 season, has been a consistent producer for the Blackhawks team, and has the full backing of GM Scotty Bowman.

were all crucial to the success of the 2010 team, we felt it was in our best interest to do whatever necessary to ensure that Quenneville's mustache could stay a member of this squad."

In a statement regarding the state of Quenneville's mustache, Bowman claimed, "Quenneville's mustache is truly the face of this franchise. While players like Brian Campbell, Dustin Byfuglien, and Kris Versteeg

Bowman's statement ended with the announcement that Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews had been traded to the Carolina Panthers for a pair of draft picks and a "gritty" third line defenseman.


News straight out of New York!

‘Resign Reyes’-typos in fans’ signs cause Mets shortstop to quit

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ose Reyes has always tried his best to appease Mets fan, unfortunately after months of miscommunication, he took one bit of advice too far. Reyes, confused by what he thought to be an overwhelming outcry from fans signs at Citi Field, resigned from the Mets after a recent loss. “Every night, I see hundreds of ‘Resign Jose Reyes’ signs, ‘Please Resign Jose,’” said a distraught Reyes. “I play this game with pride, and if the fans don’t want me, I don’t want to stay here and make them angry.” Mets fans, apparently unaware they’ve been asking for Jose’s resignation, were flabbergasted by the news, but their confusion was dwarfed by the shock felt by manager Terry Collins.

by VIN CONZO

“Thanks a lot, Mets fans,” he shouted. “There’s a freakin hyphen in ‘re-sign!’ You wanted him to re-sign, not resign. You should have seen the sadness on Jose’s face, it was heartbreaking!” Unfortunately for the Mets, Reyes’ agent filed papers with the league, and according to Major League Baseball rules, a player resignation cannot be immediately rescinded. Reyes will become a free agent as scheduled and is eligible to sign with another team after sitting out the rest of the 2011 season. “It was a stupid mistake on our part,” said Brooklyn resident Sal Sacramano, leader of the “Resign Jose Reyes,” movement. “Who knew, a Domini-

can guy understood English better than we did?” The gaffe doesn’t necessary mean Reyes won’t be back with the Mets next season. He is still free to sign with any team this offseason, and the Mets are hopeful he will be able to put this whole situation behind him and sign a team-friendly contract. “Reyes not playing these last 13 games can only help us when it comes to contract negotiations,” said GM Sandy Alderson. “It’s unfortunate this had to happen, but if it means we can knock a few million off his deal, then you’ve done your job Mets fans.”

K-Rod Deal Completed Mets get Bernie Brewer and Miller Park greeter for pitcher!

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by JOSH BURTON

ets GM Sandy Alderson announced this week that Brewers mascot Bernie Brewer and a Miller Park fan greeter have been acquired to complete the July 13 trade of closer Francisco Rodriguez to the Brewers. Adding Bernie the Brewer to the Met organization increases their mascot count to three including Bernie, Mr. Met and Mrs. Met.

Mrs. Met cleared waivers today and she will probably be dealt within the week to open up a roster spot for Bernie. Bernie’s duties with the Mets will include entertaining the few fans that are in the lower levels of Citi Field for Met home games and replacing pitcher Mike Pelfrey in the Met pitching rotation.

“Bernie and Steve Phillips, the fan greeter [no relation to former Mets GM Steve Phillips], are two great additions to the New York Mets organization,” said Alderson. “Bernie’s great enthusiasm, curve ball and knowledge of beer and hops will undoubtedly help our organization in fan entertainment, overall on-field talent and alcohol sales. Steve, on the other hand, is the best greeter I have seen since my days with Oakland. Our top scouts have been looking at him for months instead of looking at potential draft picks, and the move worked out even better than I thought it would. No professional organization can win games without an All-Star greeter like Steve. Not being cocky, I did a great job with this move.”


Girardi-Burnett rift hits a new low by VIN CONZO

Skipper files restraining order to keep struggling righty off playoff roster!

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he Yankees announced Sunday that Joe Girardi filed a restraining order against AJ Burnett in order to keep the struggling starting pitcher off the team’s postseason roster.

According to court documents, Burnett is not to be within 300 feet of Girardi at any time so not only will Burnett be left off the roster, he will not even be allowed in the dugout. The Yankees have given him the option to sit in the bullpen or purchase a luxury box at his own expense if he wishes to watch his teammates play for the title in person.

“They’ve been at each other’s throat since Joe yanked him in Minnesota,” said an anonymous clubhouse worker. “AJ feels disrespected by his teammates. His teammates feel disrespected by AJ’s numbers. And Joe’s been hitting the heavy bag a lot lately. It’s a total mess.”

will pitch CC Sabathia Ivan Nova, and then pick the remaining starters out of a hat.

The question now is who will replace Burnett in the rotation. The Yankees had hoped Mark Prior would be in pitching shape by the time the division series rolled around, but due to an unfortunate jammed finger on his non-pitching hand, he will miss the next three years. Early reports indicate the Yankees

Girardi was tight lipped about the restraining order, but did note that AJ would be hard to replace, asking, “Who is gonna slap his teammates in the face with a pie now?”

Burnett refused to comment on his future with the Yankees, but didn’t seem too upset as he left Yankee Stadium in his $2.5 million 2011 Bugatti Veryon.

Meanwhile, front office prankster Indians trade top prospect to Yanks for $24 worth of beads tries to sell remaining years of Burnett’s contract on Craigslist!

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by VIN CONZO

n ongoing investigation has been launched to reveals the Yankees front office jokester responsible for trying to sell struggling pitcher AJ Burnett on Craigslist.

The ad in question offered Burnett’s services for mere fraction of what the Yankees are paying him. Burnett is in year three of a fiveyear contract that will pay him $82.5 million when all is said and done. “I considered renting him for my beer league,” said Butchie, a Queens man who dis-

covered the listing. “I couldn’t get the rest of the guys to kick in the $50 a game price tag.” Burnett has become the lost man on the playoff-bound Yankees team. The team desperately tried to move him in the offseason, but could not find a suitor willing to eat his bloated contract. Before the post was pulled from the website, a Japanese team reportedly called the Yankees and made an offer. Yankee brass chose not to comment, but a leak confirmed the offer was $2 million and a Matsui to be named later.

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by YOUNG IL KIM

he Indians sent top TripleA prospect Peter Minuit to the Yankees yesterday in exchange for $24 of beads, pelts and “clay pots to be named later.”

Indians GM Chris Antonetti expressed excitement over the deal where they received buttons, trinkets, duffel cloth, iron kettles, axe heads, hoes, drilling awls and wampums in exchange for CF Minuit, the second overall pick in 2010 amateur draft, who batted .465 with 30 homeruns and 130 RBIs in his senior year at LSU. Minuit is widely regarded as a once-in-a-

lifetime player like Ken Griffey, Jr. or Mickey Mantle.

Around the league, players, managers, and owners expressed disbelief. “I didn’t realize we could trade players for household items,” Billy Beane said. “This changes everything.” The Yankees could not be reached for comment as they were finalizing a trade for Braves outfielder Jason Heyward and pitcher Jair Jurrjens in exchange for two slices of Famous Ray’s Pizza and three Nathan’s hot dogs.


Tragedy strikes Redskins ‘Undercover Boss’ backfires as Washington backup QB Daniel Snyder killed by Giants defense

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ragedy struck the popular CBS reality show “Undercover Boss” Sunday afternoon when Redskins owner Daniel Snyder, posing as a backup quarterback for the team, was killed in the final seconds of the first half of Washington’s 28-14 win over the Giants. Analysts and sportswriters blamed the mishap on the overpriced and unmotivated offensive linemen who were previously signed or drafted by Snyder. In each episode of “Undercover Boss,” a high-ranking executive poses as an anonymous employee to discover faults within his or her company. In one scene, Snyder posed as an overpriced first-round pick who shows up just a week before the start of the regular

season. Overweight, arrogant and incompetent, Snyder blended perfectly in with the team, best-known for a series of overpriced free agents and draft picks since Snyder bought it for $800 million in 1999. Like half of the players on the roster, Snyder failed coach Mike Shanahan’s fitness program that most high school athletes can pass. Throughout weightlifting sessions and passing drills, Snyder complained to assistant coaches that he is more suited to a “3-4 scheme” despite being repeatedly reminded by the TV crews that he was posing as a backup QB. On game day, Snyder used his Twitter account to inform Shanahan that starting QB Rex Grossman should

by YOUNG IL KIM

be benched in a key second-quarter drive. Shanahan then relayed a play-action play to Snyder, who was then posing as the backup QB. Unfortunately, the company’s poor hiring and recruitment practice caught up to them as none of the players knew how to block the imposing Giants defense. Snyder was tackled on a cornerback blitz by Aaron Ross. Just seconds later, 260-pound linebacker Mathais Kiwanuka piled on Snyder’s lifeless corpse. The play ended with an added 15-yard penalty for “excessive celebration” against the hometown Redskins fans when they discovered it was in fact their muchmaligned team owner who had been killed on the play.

‘Eli Watch’ reaches surprising fever pitch after Peyton injury Colts sign Archie: Eli remains NFL’s No. 2 Manning! former Pro Bowl QB and Peyton and Eli’s father. “Here I hoped this was finally my moment to shine,” said Eli. “But then Dad comes along and steals my thunder. It’s always something with this family.”

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hen news broke Thursday that Peyton Manning is out for at least two to three months — and possibly the season — after another neck surgery, younger brother Eli of the Giants felt it was finally his time to be the league’s top Manning. However, Eli was against relegated to the No. 2 spot in the NFL’s hierarchy of Manning quarterbacks a few hours later when the Colts announced they had signed Archie Manning, the

While Peyton rested comfortably following his third neck surgery, his 62-year-old father was taking snaps at Colts camp, where he is projected to challenge current starter Kerry Collins for the team’s top spot. “It’s just great to be back in an NFL uniform,” Archie said during practice, throwing balls to receivers with a zip not normally seen on Eli’s tosses. “I’m looking forward to proving to everyone that this old dog can still hunt, especially when compared to my youngest boy, who somehow has a Super Bowl title under his belt even though no one is quite sure how he’s ever made an NFL roster.”

Eli refuses to wear helmet, wants to be injured just like his big brother Much to the chagrin of Giants, Eli Manning has decided to play this season without a helmet so he can “be injured just like Peyton.” “It’s so annoying,” said Eli during a press conference Thursday. “Peyton gets all of this attention because of his stupid neck. I have a neck too! I can get hurt just like my stupid big brother.” With that, Eli rushed away in tears. Giants management would only say that they expect Eli to play in a regulation NFL uniform and considered any refusal to wear his helmet a breach of contract. by SCOTT KEINER


Boston news!

Red Sox thaw Ted Williams for playoff run! M by YOUNG IL KIM

ired in a team-wide slump during the final month of the season, Red Sox owner John Henry authorized the emergency use of Ted Williams for the remaining six games of the season, including this weekend’s crucial series against the Yankees.

With a .344 career batting average and 521 home runs, Ted Williams was the greatest Red Sox player in history. Shortly after the Hall of Famer’s passing in 2002, Williams’ son executed his father’s dying wish to have his head frozen cryonically. The will specified that Williams head must be thawed and reunited with his body if there is a cure for cardiomyopathy or if the Red Sox are fighting for a playoff spot with less than a week to go. “We can’t wait to have him in the lineup,” Boston manager Terry Francona beamed. “We will preheat the oven at 350 an hour before the Yankee series. He should be warmed up and ready to go in no time. He doesn’t need batting practice. He’s Ted Williams!” Francona plans to bat Williams in the clean-up spot between Adrian Gonzalez and David Ortiz. “I know that’s three lefties in a row but Williams once batted over .400,” Francona justified. While a few players expressed their reservation about bringing in a frozen Hall of Famer this late in the season, Second baseman Dustin Pedroia endorsed this bold move.

“My great grandfather grew up idolizing Teddy Ballgame,” said Pedroia. “Besides, we could sure use his 2,654 career hits and 1,839 runs batted in our lineup.”

Ochocinco changes last name to ‘Wickedpissah’ in honor of New England fans

by SCOTT KEINER

Patriots wide receiver Chad Ochocinco announced this week that he has officially changed his name to Chad Wickedpissah in honor of his newfound New England fans. “I’m still trying to find my way in the Patriots organization,” explained Wickedpissah. “I’m trying to fit in with my teammates, but it’s hard. They’re tight, man, and the

fans ask a lot of their teams in New England. I knew I needed to do something special. All the other receivers, they’ve got theme names: Deion ‘Branch.’ Lots of trees in New England, always changing colors and stuff. Wes Welker. Doesn’t get any more wasp-y than that. I couldn’t figure out how ‘Ochocinco’ was going to fit in. There are plenty of Spanish-speaking folks around here, but I knew I could do better.” “I was out for a drink with my boys,” recounted Wickedpissah. “And these dudes come up to me shouting, ‘Hey Chad, that catch was wicked pissah!’ I was like, ‘What the hell are these dudes talking about?’ I was

about to get in their face, but then Tom is like, ‘Naw, Chad. ‘Wicked Pissah’ is good. It means ‘good catch.’ They like you.’ And that’s when the lightbulb went off: Chad Wickedpissah!” While Wickedpissah is happy with his new name, he says he has more work to do to fulfill its promise. “I want people shouting ‘Wicked Pissah!’ at every game!” Wickedpissah explained. “I want to make the big plays, the big catches, the highlight touchdowns. I’m excited to be here, man. I don’t want to let anyone down. I want to live up to expectations. I want a Super Bowl ring. That would be a wicked pissah, kid.”


On The Field WHAT THE STARS SAID THIS MONTH

I just wish I had been given more leeway with contracts. If I’d have been able to write bigger checks more often we probably would have won more games the last two seasons.

-- Former Cubs GM Jim Hendry a day after his termination was announced

Yeah, it’s a real [expletive deleted] kind of thing, you know? It’s [expletive deleted] -this and [expletive deleted]-that. If Adam [expletive deleted] Dunn and Alex [expletive deleted] Rios never joined this team things would be different. Don’t get me started on Jake [expletive deleted] Peavy.

-- Former White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen a day after he was released from his contract

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The Heckler is about life as a sports fan. It has absolutely no affiliation with any sports team. All names used in a satirical context are fictional, unless the individual represented is famous, otherwise noteworthy or really stupid. Hard copies of The Heckler can often be found at various honor boxes in Chicago, as well as bars, restaurants, coffee shops and other establishments. Additionally, content from The Heckler can be found at TheHeckler.com. Please call 877-875-7277 to contact The Heckler. Copyright 2011 by The Heckler. All rights reserved. No reproduction of any portion of The Heckler is allowed without written permission or high-fives.

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Dont treet my faimlee like we R a bunch of ideeots. We willll whin agin. Jus not in Chicago. Yur lose Chicago! My family 2 smart for you! Jajajajajajajaja

-- Oney Guillen three minutes after his dad lost his job (via Twitter)

What a better way to protect Jay than a triple-fleaflicker-draw? First you think it’s a run, then a pass, then a run. Then wait ... Jay has it again? Finally Forte runs it right up the gut. Now that’s what I call balance.

-- Bears offensive coordinator Mike Martz on his play-calling

I guess I’ll just have to spend more time in China selling my shoes to the same people who make -- Bulls guard Derrick Rose on how he plans them.

to spend his time during the NBA lockout


Fall 2011 Issue