Cubs players to sharpen skills at Wrigley fantasy camp PAGE 4
Sox fan gets scoreboardinfluenced spinners PAGE 7
The one thing you wanted more of: LeBron coverage PAGE 12
JULY 2010
Vol. 8, Issue 7
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ZAMBRANO GETS STRAITJACKET
HECKLER HEADLINES Here are some of the stories we were just too lazy to write ...
Troubled hurler spewing new ‘Hell Pitch’ with his mouth
REMORSEFUL RICKETTS ASKS IF HE CAN EXCHANGE CUBS FOR RANGERS
The Cubs decided to allow troubled pitcher Carlos Zambrano back on the pitching mound earlier than expected, only on the condition that he wear a straitjacket during play. “While he’s obviously had some behavior problems, I’ve never doubted Carlos’ talent,” said manager Lou Piniella. “Judging from his success kicking off this week’s Dodgers series, maybe pitching with his mouth is our long-term solution.” Zambrano allowed only one run in six-and-ahalf innings during a recent victory, striking out eight. Zambrano dubbed the new technique his “Hell Pitch,” throwing the ball through a mixed effort of tongue action and a stream of curses and insults. While players and management personnel league-wide have reportedly complained, offrecord, about Zambrano’s mouth-pitching, nothing expressly forbids the technique in official MLB rules. It’s altogether possible that the “Hell Pitch” could revolutionize the game, as the Seattle Mariners have experimented with a straitjacketed Milton Bradley for batting practice and the Yankees have interviewed KISS bassist Gene Simmons for a possible bullpen role. -- John Biederman
FAN CHOOSES TO WATCH PAINT DRY INSTEAD OF CUBS GAME ARAMIS TO TAKE PART IN ALL-STAR COCKFIGHTING TOURNAMENT CUBS ADD EMPTY SEAT SURCHARGE TO SEASON TICKET HOLDERS DETROIT FAN PREDICTS CUTLER WILL HAVE 237 PICKS THIS SEASON PHIL JACKSON TO COACH LAKERS ON GIANT TV FROM LIVING ROOM COUCH
Wrigley retail project broom closet to house Cubs Hall of Fame In the near future, Clark Street near Wrigley Field will have a distinctly different look as old standbys like Goose Island Brewery and Salt & Pepper Diner are leveled for a new retail complex. The center will feature a hotel, large grocery chain, a Best Buy, and after much grappling with the Chicago Plan Commission, a Cubs Hall of Fame, to be housed in a three-foot by three-foot
broom closet located in the basement of the new development. Cubs Chairman Crane Kenney was elated by the news. “I figured 102 years of futility would easily fit into a Cracker Jack box,” said Kenney. “We got an entire closet. This is the steal of the century.” Among the items expected to be showcased in the Hall of Fame are Ron
Santo’s black cat (stuffed), Sammy Sosa’s infamous corked bat, Flintstone vitamins and smashed boombox, Mark Grace’s not-so-little black book, a bleacher ticket stub with a face value less than $50, Leon Durham’s Gatorade-soaked glove, Carlos Zambrano’s straitjacket, and Mel Rojas. The Cubs organization will keep
admission costs affordable, assured Kenney. “This will be a Smithsonian-esque museum, albeit in a small package,” he said. “A family of four can enjoy a yearlong pass to the full interactive experience for a mere $5,000 donation to Cubs Care.” -- Jeremy Barewin
ON DECK
What to look for this month in the sports world 7/14 Preparing for a long lonely summer hanging out on Brett Favre’s lawn, ESPN’s Rachel Nichols begins dating gnome in his garden.
7/15
Stanley Cup begins spending a day with each of the Ice Crew.
7/12
Ryan Theriot sets Cubs season record for base running blunders (98), causing Bob Brenly’s head to explode.
July 17: Sweet Lou starts getting desperate Desperate and light-headed Lou Piniella starts game vs. St. Louis with gimmick “5 men in the box” stop the run defense (infield in as well as Soriano as 5th infielder). Cardinals hit 19 doubles, win 14-4.
7/22
Bob Brenly almost makes it through a game without telling a story about catching the great Mike Krukow.
7/30 Mike Fontenot caught hugging the line at third well after game at Rockies ended, arrested for indecent exposure.
7/20 Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski, after watching World Cup, announces he’s learned some great new flopping techniques to teach the Blue Devils. ESPN’s Jay Bilas: "You think you hate Duke now, well, get ready!"
7/28 Final line on Carlos Zambrano’s first stint in anger management: 5 IP, 6 H, 7 ER, 8 BB, 3K.
The dog days of summer can really drag when you’re watching bad baseball, but with just a bit of gambling even the worst game can become interesting. Well, not the worst game, the WNBA is unwatchable no matter how much money you’ve got riding on the outcome. But you should be very careful wagering in person at a Sox game. Not only are they a bit sensitive to the whole gambling thing down there, but that’s not exactly the element you want to be around if you’re carrying around a lot of cash. Let’s gamble.
43: Minutes out of a typical 60-minute Sports Center dedicated to LeBron rumors last month. 42: Percentage of Cubs season ticket holders who have already burned the remainder of their 2010 season tickets. 32%: Decrease in the number of Beckham jerseys seen at the Cell in 2010. July 17: First time that Hawk Harrelson admits that Alexei probably should have laid off a pitch. 12: Percent chance the Bulls have to resort to a countdown clock for free agency 2012. July 25: First day that Len Kasper calls in sick to avoid having to watch the Cubs.
TM
CUBS NEWS
Woo-Woo gets vuvuzela
Cubs discipline Big Z by making him continue to pitch for them The Cubs disciplined Carlos Zambrano, following his outburst in the dugout last month, by advising the maligned hurler that he still has to pitch for them. “What?” a stunned Zambrano asked as he boarded a cab to O’Hare Airport. “I thought I was going to be suspended for the rest of the year. You mean I have to pitch for the Cubs? I’d rather be sitting
Cubs mascot defies logic and finds way to become even more annoying Fueled by the popularity of the vuvuzela in the FIFA World Cup, Cubs super fan Ronnie “WooWoo” Wickers has acquired one of the cheap plastic meter-long horns to play during Cubs games. WooWoo, whose trademark “Cubs! Woo! Cubs! Woo!”-chant has annoyed fans for years, has somehow made his chant more annoying with the use of the traditional South African noisemaker, which produces an ear-splitting B note. Fans have overheard Ronnie Woo-Woo as he utilizes his new vuvuzela, as his Cubs cheer has changed to “Cubs bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! Cubs! bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!” followed by a heavy gasp, and finally, “WOO.” Cubs season ticket holder Larry Johnson described hearing the new cheer. “I didn’t think that the whole ‘Woo Cubs Woo’ could be made more annoying, but then again, I
JULY 2010 | 3
on a beach in Hawaii.” “His conduct was not acceptable,” Cubs GM Jim Hendry said of Zambrano’s tirade against teammates, particularly Derrek Lee. “Big Z’s emotions have become a bit of a tired act,” said Hendry. “We have decided that the best course of punitive action is to have him pitch for us, as cruel and unusual as that may be.” --Rob C. Christiansen
Soriano’s baseball IQ drops to .086
didn’t know what a vuvuzela was until I accidentally turned on ESPN during a World Cup game, and I thought my speakers were broken,” said Johnson. “But now that empty bee hive sound follows me even to Cubs games. Soccer sucks.” While some international venues
have banned fans with vuvuzelas, the Cubs have indicated they have no such plans. “We’re not selling a ton of tickets this year,” said Cubs president Crane Kenney. “Woo-Woo and any other fans are welcome, goofy horns or not. That’s how desperate we are.” -- Jeff GoodSmith
While experiencing a bit of a resurgence at the plate this season, Alfonso Soriano’s baseball IQ is now at just .086, which is causing concern for the Cubs. “Alfonso’s been swinging the bat well, but his baseball IQ is a different story” said GM Jim Hendry. “He tests lower than the average fan at Wrigley, who’s generally wasted by the fourth or fifth inning.” Reportedly, Soriano answered that a player
should run “leftward” around the bases, remembered the Cubs as winning the World Series in 2008 and stabbed the paper repeatedly with his pencil when asked about the warning track. “When we got him, he was a free-swinging leadoff man who hopped at fly balls,” lamented Hendry. “I knew this would happen eventually. I was just hoping he’d be analyzing games on TV by then.” --Dan Bradley
CUBS NEWS
4 | JULY 2010
Cubs replace clubhouse sauna with cesspool The Cubs have received a new feature in their Wrigley Field clubhouse, as a cesspool has replaced the team’s sauna. The new, sludge-filled addition replaces a semi-broken Jacuzzi that had been the cause of some player complaints, team officials said. “They seem to really like the cesspool,” said Tim Mackelsby, the team’s clubhouse manager. “They said that the sauna was too hightech and nice for them. This appears to fit them better.” The new tub bubbles a thick black, brown and green liquid that smells like the inside of a Port-OPotty at the end of a hot and humid Chicago summer day. “This is perfect for us,” said pitcher Carlos Zambrano. “Anytime I feel frustrated, I just sit in this crap for an hour or so and I start to feel better.” Zambrano, the primary user of the so-called “sludge tub,” is lobbying for a second one to be installed closer to his locker. But it’s just not Big Z smiling in the muck. The entire roster has
Fans scrape up $15,000 to send current players to ‘Cubs Fantasy Camp’ Soriano, Ramirez and Lee targeted as ‘slackers’
given it a try, and the more players use it, the more they seem to like it, Mackelsby said. “It’s almost like they add something to it,” he said. “Even after a loss, I’ve got everyone lined up, smiling and ready to jump in the cesspool.”
Cubs skipper Lou Piniella says he’s only tried the cesspool once, but that there’s something about it that’s secure and comfortable. “I don’t know,” he said. “There’s something about sitting in s**t that this team seems to like.” -- Mike Pettit
Cubs Fantasy Camp at Wrigley Field is the latest in a series of revenue-enhancers announced by the Cubs in 2010, following the PNC Club, the Toyota sign and the Noodle. The cost for the August 8-9 event is $7,500 per person. Shortly following the announcement, 30,000 Cubs fans chipped in 50 cents each to fund the enrollment of Alfonso Soriano, Derrek Lee and Aramis Ramirez so that the maligned trio can learn basics of the game from Ernie Banks and Billy Williams. Lifetime Cubs fan Monica Delpy added two cents extra. “Since these millionaire slackers are pretending to be
Cubs, they might as well join other wealthy people pretending to be Cubs,” said Delpy. Cubs president Crane Kenney said that he would like Soriano, Lee and Ramirez to learn how to hit, but questions their willingness to learn. “The top students at Fantasy Camp will probably be fans like Marcus DeSade, Esq., from Winnetka, whose certified check I received yesterday,” said Kenney. “I wouldn’t hold my breath on someone like Rammy trying to improve himself.” Most participants at the Cubs Fantasy Camp at Wrigley Field will be granted access to the team clubhouse, and will sign one-day Cubs contracts. In Soriano’s, Lee’s and Ramirez’s instance, however, each will be invited to waive his no-trade clause and tear up his contract. -- Rob C. Christiansen
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CUBS NEWS
JULY 2010 | 5
Piniella uses cardboard cutout of Ricketts to motivate team ‘With every win, we rip off a piece of clothing’ Lou Piniella has been looking for ways to motivate the Cubs for most of the season. He’s read books, hired motivational speakers, and in desperation, turned to one of the Holy Grails of baseball movies—”Major League.” “Wild Thing and the boys always give me a chuckle,” said Piniella, who watched the film one night after a bad game. “It gave me an idea that I thought would help the guys loosen up a bit.” The very next morning, Piniella walked into the clubhouse carrying a cardboard cutout of owner Tom Ricketts and explained that “with every win, we rip off a piece of clothing.” The idea, thought to motivate the players, has had the exact opposite effect. Seeing Ricketts’ noodle is not what players look forward to after a win. Even clubhouse clown Ryan
Aramis to try out for NBA ‘I love the 82-game season’ says oftinjured third baseman
Dempster was turned off. “Call me crazy, but I just don’t care to see a cardboard cutout of a naked Tom Ricketts looking at me when I’m showering,” said a
creeped out Dempster. “He’s a nice guy and all, but we already have enough male nudity in the clubhouse.” --Michael Kloempken
Cubs third baseman Aramis Ramirez recently announced he’s going to try out for the NBA next season. With the Cubs’ offense performing terribly, Ramirez thinks now is a good to switch sports. “We’ve been pretty unbearable this season, especially at the plate,” said
Ramirez. “That’s why I want to play a sport where my team will actually put some points on the board. Plus, this 162-game season is way too long. 82 seems a lot better.” Ramirez only plays about 82 games per season anyway, so the move is logical. However, it’s still questionable whether there’s a team in the NBA willing to take a chance on the slugger. --Drew Adams
CUBS ORGANIZATION REPORT
6 | JULY 2010
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A HECKLER EXCLUSIVE
Rebuilding the Cubs E
ven the most casual observer can see that this version of the Chicago Cubs isn’t going to win a World Series. And even the most casual observer probably has their own thoughts on the best way to rebuild the team. Lou Piniella But what about the opinion of those that matter most? The Manager Heckler asked some folks in the Cubs organization what “Like I give a [expletive they think needs to be done to fix the Cubs.
Insider opinions
Wally Hayward
Ted Lilly
VP of Marketing
Starting Pitcher: “They should trade any established player they can for prospects. And they should do it right away. Even if it means going to Kansas City. Please just get me out of here.”
“We need more corporate artwork. I’m talking to the people at McDonalds about putting up the golden arches in right field. And if anyone else has the money, I’m willing to talk about replacing the statue of that Banks guy.”
deleted]. I stopped giving a [expletive deleted] a year ago.”
Jim Hendry General Manager: “We’re already pretty close. At this point, I’d say we’re only one more outfield bat away from becoming a dynasty.”
Marlon Byrd
Alfonso Soriano
Tom Ricketts
Outfielder I’d say the same thing Lilly said, but I’d also tell management they should even consider trading recently acquired players who are signed for another two years."
Outfielder: “Replacing the organ with taped music before atbats will really help. It’s much easier to lay off those sliders when C&C Music Factory is in your ears.”
Owner “That’s easy, more bathrooms. Unfortunately, major league quality bathrooms don’t come cheap. We’ll need to increase ticket prices by about 25 percent next year to pay for them.”
TM
WHITE SOX NEWS
Sox fan gets exploding scoreboard-influenced spinners as rims on Camaro Sox fan Delvin Tucker got the birthday gift of a lifetime when his wife Destiny surprised him with new spinners for his Camaro. The spinners, which resemble the multi-colored pinwheels on the U.S. Cellular Field scoreboard, were paid for by a combination of food stamps, a broken down Go-Kart, and a rusting yield sign. “That Destiny sure knows how to barter,” said Delvin. “I would have been happy with a new airbrushed t-shirt. I dig the spinners so much I may get some on my ATV.” The Tuckers have been diehard White Sox fans since their mutual uncle introduced them to baseball at a young age. The spinners are the new favorite piece of their White Sox fandom, eclipsing Destiny’s bedazzled “Go Sox” jean shorts and Paulie, the family’s pet ferret.
JULY 2010 | 7
Mugging victim: Being a Sox fan not quite worth it Lifelong White Sox fan Michael McCleary has reportedly finally had enough of cheering for the team. It wasn’t the inconsistent play of the White Sox, the complete lack of decorum in the stands, or even borderline poverty that was required of fans to cheer for the South Siders. It was the fact that McCleary was mugged after leaving U.S. Cellular Field on the way to his vehicle—for the sixth time this year. “It’s just not worth it anymore,”
he said. “Usually I don’t have any more than $8 in my wallet for them to steal, but it’s the principle.” According to the stoic Chicago Police Department, incidents like McCleary’s are to be expected. Sgt. Steve Rollhauski confirmed the frequency of the muggings. “Just realize that if you’re in that area, 90 percent of the time you’re gonna get jacked,” said Rollhauski. “So either don’t go that way or fork it over.” --Dan Bradley
Sox asked to give Cup back to BP as a possible containment device
“My new rims are going to get more spins than my Larry the Cable Guy CD,” said Delvin. Adding to the car’s ambiance is the backfiring exhaust that simulates the scoreboard’s
smoke and explosions. Additionally, Delvin plans to drag the muffler while driving to wow fellow motorists with a spark show. --Jimmy Juliano
Looking to garner rare positive publicity, BP announced it will be using the newly minted BP Cup as a “Top Hat” to place over the plume of oil gushing thousands of gallons daily into the Gulf of Mexico. “We couldn’t be happier,” said BP Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg. “The Cup is a significantly cheaper than all the effective means people have suggested.” “We hope sacrificing the great publicity we were getting by giving an award for a meaningless mid-
season series, will finally make the small people happy,” he added. Svanberg later retracted that statement and apologized for referring to Chicagoans as small people, explaining that “insignificant people get very testy when referred to as ‘small.’” The White Sox, for their part, are reluctant to part with the prize as they have plans to use the cup as a Wrigley-type trough in U.S. Cellular bathrooms. -- Dave Narter
8 | JULY 2010
ALL-STAR GAME
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Fan excited for 2010 Major League Of Baseball Players All-Star Game In Anaheim Of Orange County Floyd Hunter of Chicago, speaking to reporters of The Heckler outside the Wrigley Field of Chicago, exclaimed that he was, “excited in emotion in thinking of attending 2010 Major League of Baseball Players All-Star Game In Anaheim Of Orange County.” After winning a contest to attend the game (offered by the Eagle Outfitters of America and
the Pizza Kitchen of California), Hunter of Chicago said he couldn’t be happier of feeling. Wife, Denise Hunter of Hunter’s immediate family, also expressed excitement. Tears of her eyes were cried in hopes of a game that would be competitive between the Major League Players of the National League and the Major League Players of
the American League. “I never hoped of my imagination that a game of the Major Leagues could be in a future of mine,” she said. “But I will be there at the Angel Stadium of Anaheim when the first pitch from the hand of the pitcher on the mound of the field in the Angel Stadium of Anaheim is pitched.” --Dave Narter
Angels’ Rally Monkey is drugged even more than usual to prepare for All-Star festivities The 2010 All-Star Game is being played in Anaheim and will feature Angels mascot “The Rally Monkey” frequently during the festivities throughout the weekend. This, of course, will require more copious amounts of drugs to help the small animal reach his fever pitch while jumping around and screeching violently. It scares the staff at Angels Field to death, as they are intimately familiar with how these drugs have historically affected Rally Monkey’s volatile mood
swings and abusive behavior in past seasons. “It is an abusive, vile creature since he started using,” said Dr. Melissa Krutter, a licensed zoologist who serves as the mascot’s handler. “He did six lines of coke off a picture of Axl Rose and threw it at me the last time the Angels needed runs.” Apparently the monkey has also been a nuisance to Angels players like DH Hideki Matsui. “He’s always stumbling around the clubhouse looking to score,” commented Matsui.
“One time, after I told him I didn’t have any opium, he bit me.” Angels outfielder Torii Hunter was appalled when he found out Rally Monkey would be using more to facilitate excitement for the AllStar Festivities. “That’s just dangerous,” said Hunter. “But if these people want to see what a coked-up monkey looks like throwing mini bottles of Cristal at blonde women, go ahead.” --Andy Landgrebe
TM
CUBS NEWS
JULY 2010 | 9
Man proud to be last Cubs fan with faith in Jim Hendry 1898 Teddy Roosevelt’s Rough Riders
Max Gruenberg of Skokie is as loyal as they come. He’s been married to the same woman for 50 years, lives in the same house he built with his own hands, and has never missed any of his 10 grandchildren’s baseball games or piano recitals. His devotion to the Cubs has also never wavered, so much so that he was officially designated “Last Cubs
Fan with Faith in Jim Hendry” last week. “I think Jimmy has done a darn good job,” said Gruenberg. “The Milton Bradley signing and the trade for John Grabow almost put us over the top. And knowing that Soriano is going to be around for the next 10 years is very reassuring to me.” If Gruenberg had his way, Jim
Essian would still be managing the ballclub and Ryan Theriot will remain in a Cubs uniform until he wins a home run title. “What can I say, I’m a Cubs fan through and through, I love all of them to death,” he added. “Now whatever happened to that Todd Hundley? He was a swell guy.” -- Jeremy Barewin
Cubs officially impossible to watch sober
Cubs superfan Ronnie “Woo-W Woo” Wickers joined future President Teddy Roosevelt’s Rough Riders more than 100 years ago. Roosevelt was impressed by Wickers’ horse riding skills, but found his wooing “somewhat vexatious.” E-m mail your Woo-W Woo pics to photos@theheckler.com.
The brothers in the basement of Wrigleyville resident John Hobson’s house confirmed this week what most Cubs fans have known most of this season: The team is officially impossible to watch sober. “Yeah, we don’t even turn the game on until the fifth inning now,” said Hobson, who normally watches the game with his buddies Skip, Johnny V. and some guy everyone calls Loogie. “We gotta get nice and buzzed up before we can take them.” While it’s a known fact that
most ticket-holders are at least four or five beers deep before heading into Wrigley Field for games, this squad has taken losing to new levels, forcing fans like Hobson and his boys to buy an extra 18-pack of Old Style just to get through the game these days. “I think it’s, you see, they gotta get some more hitting,” a visibly inebriated Skip said during the eighth inning of a recent 8-1 loss. “That and, uh, you know, they gotta getsomepitching if they wanna do the win and
the division is kinda gonnabetough and all ... ” he said, trailing off. “Man, [expletive deleted] the Cardinals!” On a positive note, neighborhood bars are seeing a spike in drink sales on game days, as fans do everything they can to watch this abomination of a team. “A lot of Jager bombs,” said Sluggers bartender Brooke Thompson. “They do whatever they can to get through the game. And can you blame them?” -- Matthew Wood
HAWKS NEWS
10 | JULY 2010
Quenneville’s mustache traded to Vancouver Canucks coach seen sporting it around town It’s been a busy offseason so far for the Blackhawks, who have been forced to deal several key players from their 2010 Stanley Cup title run due to salary cap issues. The team has already traded Andrew Ladd, Kris Versteeg and Dustin Byfuglien, among others, and they don’t appear to be done yet. The latest move made by Hawks GM Stan Bowman has coach Joel Quenneville’s mustache
headed to the Canucks. “We’ve been forced to make some moves lately that nobody around the organization really wanted to make,” said Bowman. “Quenneville’s mustache really contributed to our success in the playoffs, and we hate to see it go, but our hands are tied here. The Canucks are incredibly excited to receive such a major part of the Hawks team, which has eliminated them from the playoffs each of the past two seasons. Canucks coach Alain Vigneault believes that bringing
Quenneville’s mustache to Vancouver will be the difference maker should the two teams meet again in the playoffs. “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again,” said Vigneault. “I thought we had the better team last year. We scored more goals in the regular season, and it can’t be Louie’s fault we lose in the playoffs each year. But Quenneville and that mustache seemed to find ways to beat us, each year. Now that it’s with us, you better believe the tables have turned.” -- Drew Adams
Toews, Kane stuck in permanent action-figure pose after hoisting Cup As the Blackhawks' victory celebration continues, the Stanley Cup tour is starting to present some long-term repercussions. Stars Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane are feeling the brunt of it with their arms now stuck in the air in a permanent hoisting position. Avid Chicago sports fan Jon Gordon
was one of the first to observe the distracting trend. “Those guys are starting to remind me of those plastic WWF action figures from the ’80s,” said Gordon. “The mullet makes Kane look like a scrawnier version of Big John Stud. Toews is more like a preppy Honkey Tonk Man. It’s strange.”
Medical experts from the University of Chicago struggled to diagnose the condition and found themselves reverting back to medical journals from the early ’60s— the last local case of excessive cup hoisting. Blackhawks Coach Joel Quenneville was not alarmed by the news, but voiced
concern for his players. “Let’s just hope the problem corrects itself before the start of next season,” he stated. “If it doesn’t, I can see us getting called for a lot of high sticking penalties.” -- Brian Berns
HAWKS NEWS
TM
JULY 2010 | 11
PBS lands exclusive rights to NHL coverage Fights abolished, analysis to focus on economic impact of foreign players In a surprising turn of events, the Public Broadcasting Service has obtained the rights to air NHL games for the next three seasons. Up until now, the network’s sports coverage has been limited
to Ken Burns’ long, tedious documentary about baseball. NHL viewers can anticipate a few changes to their game-watching experience. For instance, whenever a fight begins to break out, the station will immediately switch over to an in-progress telethon until the melee has concluded. PBS also announced that Sesame Street’s Elmo would do play-by-play, with jour-
BP Cup handler dreams of being Stanley Cup handler Those cool white gloves really make it dignified Jerry Oxford took the job as Chicago's BP Cup handler on a whim. “The Blackhawks were rolling, everyone had hockey fever, the job was offered and I jumped on it,” he told interviewers after the Sox won the Crosstown Classic in June. “I figured I would be a heartbeat away from Stanley Cup han-
dling, like the vice president. Turns out it’s nothing like that.” Oxford’s duties included carrying the trophy out onto the field, then carrying it back and placing it in the White Sox locker room. He was told to bring his own silver polish. “Those Stanley Cup guys fly all around the world, see plenty of babes, get drunk,” Oxford lamented. “The only boobs I’ve seen are Bobby Jenks’.” -- Dan Bradley
nalist Bill Moyers providing color commentary. “I look forward to providing frequent reports during these games on the effect of the fall of the Eastern Bloc and the influx of talent from former Warsaw Pact countries on present-day players’ salaries,” Moyers said. “Elmo loves two-line passes!” Elmo added.
The enthusiasm of the beloved Muppet notwithstanding, Blackhawks owner Rocky Wirtz isn’t entirely sold on the change. “PBS? Are you kidding me? The only people who are going to tune in will be anthropology professors and grandmothers,” he said. “That said, it still beats Versus.” -- Brian Summerfield
Cristobal Huet loses Stanley Cup Backup goalie drops famed trophy between his legs and into open manhole While NHL officials have not given up hope of finding it, the status of hockey’s storied Stanley Cup is presently “lost,” having gone missing while in possession of Blackhawks backup goalie Cristobal Huet. For his allotted day with the Cup, Huet had planned to visit his hometown of St. Martin D’Heres, France, but was held up at O’Hare when officials told him he was on the “Do Not Fly” list. While it turns out that Huet’s name was only similar to one on that list, he had trouble convincing TSA employees that he was indeed a Blackhawk. Huet then hopped a cab, intending to hit Chicago hotspots, but the cabbie had trouble
understanding his heavy accent and instead drove him to the suburbs. The goalie almost lost the Cup twice when drunken revelers attempted to steal it at Durty Nellie’s in Palatine, both of whom Huet attempted to block from the Cup, unsuccessfully. “Still, Huet couldn’t stop some fat chick from puking in it,” said Mike Bolt, an official NHL Cup keeper. After failing to convince patrons of a Schaumburg Applebee’s of the Stanley Cup’s authenticity, a drunken, dejected Huet hit the streets screaming, to any who would listen, “I was the starting goalie through the regular season!” He then dropped the trophy, which rolled between his legs and vanished down an open manhole. -- John Biederman
NBA NEWS
12 | JULY 2010
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Bulls now set sights on botching LeBron picked Miami a big free agent signing in 2011 because of rule against sex After coming so close to signing superstar free agent LeBron James, only to see him head to the Miami Heat, Bulls GM Gar Forman is already looking forward to screwing up the free agent class of 2011. “There’s a lot of options out there,” Forman said. “I’m confident we can get the hopes of the fan base as high as possible, only to have them dashed by players signing elsewhere.”
Forman cited players like Yao Ming, Tim Duncan, Carmelo Anthony and Jason Richardson as being potential players the team can court, then give an insulting, low-ball offer to in order to make sure they don’t have to actually sign anybody. “The key is to make people think we’re in the market to sign a big contract, which couldn’t be further from the truth,” said team owner Jerry Reinsdorf.
“We already have a substantial payroll. And have you seen how many workers we have at the United Center? Those guys aren’t free, you know.” Forman echoed his boss. “We don’t want to do anything crazy here. And let’s not worry about those front-office salaries. I’m sure we’re getting paid very fairly. Can I get you another cup of coffee, Mr. Reinsdorf?” -- Matthew Wood
Chicago regrets trading Benny the Bull to free up cap space for LeBron Still confident ditching Hinrich was the right move As the Bulls off-loaded salaries to free up cap space in anticipation of a big free-agent signing, they got especially aggressive and made several big trades.
Unfortunately for Chicago, the three biggest free agents signed with the Miami Heat, leaving the Bulls with roughly $18 million in cap space for the 2010-2011 season. In light of that, the Bulls now regret trading mascot Benny the Bull to Dallas in exchange for a second-round pick next year. “Losing Benny was tough,”
said Bulls GM Gar Forman. “Fans loved that thing.” Forman had a different opinion about his team’s decision to trade Kirk Hinrich to the Wizards. “That guy was making $9 million a year,” said Forman. “Can you imagine? That’s like a dollar an airball for him.” -- Brad Zibung
with teammates’ moms Nearly two months ago the internet was set aflame with a nasty rumor that LeBron James’ mother had an affair with James’ teammate Delonte West. While James and his camp never officially commented on the matter, it may have played a role in his decision to sign with the Miami Heat, who have a strict rule against its players bedding teammates’ mothers. “Yeah, I’m not going to say it weighed heavily in my decision,” said James, struggling to make sense. “But it may not have weighed nothing at all.” When recruiting James, Miami team president Pat Riley made it clear to James his team would not tolerate its players sleeping with the mothers of their teammates. “I told LeBron that sort of behavior is unacceptable,” said Riley. “Plus, have you seen the Heat Dancers? They’re unreal. Hook up with them. Leave the
moms alone.” Riley said he learned how to balance his players’ carnal desires with the best interests of his team when coaching the Lakers in the ’80s. “Everyone was always going after Byron Scott’s mom,” said Riley. “I’ll never know why. I always thought Michael Cooper’s mom was where it was at. “But anyway, when a player made eyes at Scott’s mom, I just threw a few Laker Girls his way at halftime and it all worked out. How do you think we were able to win all those titles?” New Heat teammate Dwyane Wade said he embraces the sexwith-teammates’-moms policy. “We live in South Beach, man,” said Wade. “There are tons and tons of unbelievable women here. No need for anybody’s broke-ass mom, unless she’s a stripper. Then it’s just hot.” -- Brad Zibung
TM
NFL NEWS
JULY 2010 | 13
Martz: Bears O better than high school team I was going to coach Incoming offensive coordinator Mike Martz says he's excited to be working with the Bears, a team “considerably better” than that of Palatine High School in Chicago’s Northwest suburbs, where he was going to coach before he got the job at Halas Hall. He had been working with
the high school team this spring in preparation for their 2010 season. “The Bears’ backs are superior to those of the [Palatine] Pirates, and the line is a lot bigger, but probably a tad slower,” Martz said in a recent press conference. “I’d say the quarterbacks and receivers
Lovie strikes fear into opposing teams with proclamation that ‘Bears will be good’ Lovie Smith is not known for rousing pregame or halftime speeches. His rhetoric is so uninspiring that he plays clips from movies like “Rudy” and “Varsity Blues” to fire up his team during halftimes. That’s why when Lovie proclaimed that the “Bears will be good,” players knew he was fired up. “We’d never heard coach talk like that,” said Lance Briggs, who knows a thing about giving awe-inspiring speeches to his team. “It sent a message to the rest of our division that we’re gunning for them.” Indeed it has. Players from the NFC North have taken notice. Along with his recently repaired ankle, Brett Favre has
pointed to Lovie’s proclamation as to why he’s finally considering retirement. “With the way Lovie’s talking up there in Chicago, the Bears are the team to beat,” Favre has reportedly said. “I just don’t think I can handle that onedimensional Tampa Two anymore.” Favre isn’t the only one worried about the allegedly good Bears. Aaron Rogers has stopped eating, and Calvin Johnson, who’s trained for six days straight, refuses to leave the weight room. “Those were fightin’ words,” said Johnson, in the middle of a bench press rep. “I have to do everything possible to ready myself.” -- Michael Kloempken
are about even. All in all, it’s a significant step up for me.” Martz also complained about the Pirates’ inability to absorb the thousands of ever-increasing plays in his playbook. “Wideouts and backs would whine about having a hard time remembering all
of their pass routes in addition to useless information like the dates of Civil War battles, the Noble gases and the Pythagorean theorem,” he said. “Fortunately, I won’t have that problem with Desmond Clark and Rashied Davis.” -- Brian Summerfield
CHUG-CHUG: INACTION Hijnks of The Heckler Mascot By Paul Czarnowski
14 | JULY 2010
STUFF WE MADE UP
The Greatest Country
W
hat has two thumbs and is the greatest country in the world? This country! That’s right folks, as you all know America is the greatest damn country in the world. You want just one of the many reasons for our greatness? How about freedom of the press, a freedom Screamin’ Johnny Blaze takes full advantage of since I’m a member of the press. It means I can say whatever the [Expletive Deleted] I want, like “damn country” or perhaps “Jerry Angelo, that [Expletive Deleted],” and no one can [Expletive Deleted] stop me! While our country’s status as top dog is obviously never in question, there are certain times you may think about it more than others. Like during the birthday America just had, which you better believe the Blaze clan celebrated in style. We spent most of the day doing our best to honor this great nation by drinking beer and setting off fireworks. There was no way in hell I was going to let that jerkoff cousin of mine Teddy out-drink me, so by around 11:00 at night we were both pretty much in the bag. That’s when Teddy had the brilliant idea to sneak
THIS I SCREAM By Screamin’ Johnny Blaze, Heckler Sports Talk Radio Host up on Uncle Phil and stick a lit M-80 on his shoulder. Luckily Uncle Phil noticed and grabbed the M-80 to throw it away, but it still exploded right after leaving his hand and messed it up pretty good. We took him to the hospital, and that’s when it really hit me how great we have it here. For all the talk this past year about how messed up our health care system is, when you’re having drunken wheelchair races in the ER waiting room of a hospital while your uncle has emergency hand surgery on the Fourth of July you realize just how great this country is. So cheer up Bulls fans. Sure, LeBron took the pansy road and followed Wade and Bosh to Miami, but so what? You’re still living in the best damn country in the world. And more importantly, you’re not living in Cleveland.
TM
HECKLER STAT PACK Average price of a scalped Cubs ticket through the years 1909 1969 1984 2007 2010
$0.95 $10 $25.50 $96 $3.45
Cubs on lists 1 - Disabled list 2 - Craigslist 3 - Listless 4 - Dean's list (University of Phoenix on-line) 5 - Restricted list
5 4 3 2 Big Z
Milestone home runs given up by ex-C Cub Jamie Moyer, the new MLB career home runs allowed leader 1st - vs. Johnny "Wooden Dentures" Higgins, Cleveland Spiders, 1889 100th - vs. Ty Cobb, Detroit Tigers, 1908 200th - 208th - vs. first nine Yankee batters of the game, 1927 400th - vs. Bob Brenly, San Francisco Giants, 1984 485th - A beer vendor pinch-hitting for Ryan Theriot, 2009
Left on Base percentage leaders 1 - Aramis Ramirez, CHC 2 - Derrek Lee, CHC 3 - Alexei Ramirez, CHW 4 - Alfonso Soriano, CHC 5 - Andruw Jones, CHW
.907 .900 .899 .877 .870
Kobe vs. Michael comparison: Bryant 5 0 0 0 0
Titles Statues Hanes T-shirts Mustaches Embarrassing years on the Wizards
Jordan 6 1 120 1 2
Where are the Cubs most often stranding runners: 1 - Third base 2 - Second base 3 - First base 4 - On-deck circle 5 - Bathroom
50% 21% 14% 9% 6%
THE REAL DEAL
TM
JULY 2010 | 15
Let’s take a second look at Cubs’ inning of infamy
H
ow does a team hit consecutive doubles with no outs and not score? This is not a trick question with an answer intended to make you groan, unless you’re a Cubs fan, which you are. What else can you say about the Cubs? Their offense is so bad that they might as well celebrate Ron Santo’s fifty years in baseball by letting him pinch hit once in a while. Lou Piniella, “Manager of the Year” depending on the category, leads the league in using “look” as a fractured idiom. Look, the way to fix the economy is for states to secretly print and circulate money since federal law prohibits states from printing money. See how flawed logic sounds Nobel Prize worthy when you have the
THE LIFE AND TIMES OF
LOCO ROB Rob C. Christiansen rob@theheckler.com “look”? When Lou says “look,” he should at least pretend to have answers to the Cubs problems, or to the economy. Instead, the word is lighter fluid he adds to the charcoal grilling he gets after a loss. That metaphor is a long reach, but you always bring your mitt to Wrigley, so catch it.
Actually, it’s not your fault. I’ve tried everything. I have stretched metaphors to their breaking point, invented my own lingo and strung comedic triplets like pearls in sentences. Nothing has worked and I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s frustrating, and honestly, I’m not sure if there is such thing as a fractured idiom. Look, I always thought I would be famous by now. Not only have I routinely cranked out a newspaper column every month or two for several years, I have become friends with famous people. OK, so I personally know one famous person. All right, so really there is just this one famous person whose acquaintance I once made and after all this time I still await their response to my friend request
on Facebook. I’ll have to ask again. All I can do is go out there in five or eight weeks with another effort and see what happens. I’ll start with my left and bring in my right for the ninth paragraph and use Colvin as my fact checker and I should be all right. Let’s put this in the win column and carry momentum into the next one. The answer to the riddle is that the Cubs second double was a bloop by Soriano that advanced an overly cautious Soto just ninety feet. A nonproductive fly out, strikeout and a bouncer back to the mound followed. The fruitless no outs double double occurred, probably for the only time in history, in the seventh on June 23 en route to an 8-1 loss in Seattle.
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