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Volume CXIX, No. 12
1976 On this date in 1976, three professors in the history department were observed returning midterms to students with withdraw slips stapled to the backs. “It’s the bicentennial,” one professor said, “and a student said America w a s 30 0 ye a r s o ld . Like, even Richard Nixon had more of a clue than these kids.” 2004 A college tour guide fainted from exhaustion after explaining the Campus Blue Light system for the 24th time in 24 days. “We appreciate the hard work of our student tour guides in explaining campus safety to prospective students,” said a spokesperson for the Admissions Office. When asked whether the student tour guide qualified for worker’s compensation, she demurred before quickly changing the subject to Servo Thanksgiving. 2012 This year marks the fifth anniversary of the founding of the Gettysburg Attack Squirrel Awareness Club (GASAC), which began in response to a squirrel attack that sent two students to the Health Center with injuries after a squirrel jumped out of a tree to snatch a Servo coo k i e , a n d, in the process, aggressively tripped the injured students. No update on their status was ever publicly disclosed, nor were their names ever released. We assume they survived the ordeal, but we have no way to independently verify that. 2015 In the spring of 2015, we reported on the impending necessity for students to sleep in cardboard boxes on Stine Lake due to a shortage in housing. We are pleased to report that those students have now graduated, and 99% have found gainful employment since graduation, exceeding the college average. “I learned how to be self-sufficient ... and bitter,” one student said of his experience. Archived fake news compiled by news editor Benjamin Pontz
Saturday,
April 1, 2017
Saturday, April 1, 2017
FREE
College to hold first annual organ sales drive B y J amie W elch E ditor - in -C hief
In light of the recent increases in tuition, Gettysburg College announced Wednesday it will be holding a series of organ sales clinics throughout the remainder of the spring semester. College officials say students will be able to quickly and easily sell that extra kidney or part of a liver they have hanging around and get back on with their day, receiving a credit on their student account based on the value of each organ donated. Senior Associate Vice Dean of Enrollment Services Francine Baker says that this organ sales drive is in response to overwhelming student complaints about the rising cost of tuition. “We understand that the cost of a Gettysburg education keeps rising every year while household incomes remain largely stagnant,” Baker said. “We started looking at options for students and their families to leverage the assets they already have to make
Trained medical professionals will perform the procedures in the CUB Ballroom financing a Gettysburg class. degree more accessible for “We really students of all economic wanted to make it as easy backgrounds,” Baker as possible,” Baker said. continued. “When we “Students are heard about organ sales, demanding convenience we knew we were onto and speed now more than something.” ever, and we definitely Students who are were cognizant of that interested in the program w h e n c r e a t i n g t h i s are encouraged to visit program.” the Health Center for a Health Services free organ sales readiness employee Nancy Smith check. Students that pass says that students need this check will be invited not worry about the safety to attend one of five organ of such a complicated sales clinics to be held in procedure being conducted the CUB Ballroom through so quickly in a non-sterile the last day of classes. environment. Baker says “All organ students will be able to e x t r a c t i o n s w i l l b e sell their organ over lunch conducted by Health and be back on their feet Services’ world class Nurse in time for their 2:10 p.m. Practitioners,” Smith said.
“Health Services has a reputation for quality and accuracy. Students can rest easy knowing that our staff will be wielding ultrasharp surgical steel right near their renal artery.” As part of the college’s ongoing commitment to immersive learning experiences, students in the pre-health advising program will assist in performing the procedures provided they complete a 30 minute online training course entitled “Extracting Sustainable Excellence: A Primer.” Baker says that this program is only the beginning of a series of new “alternative payment options” designed to help students manage the rising cost of tuition. “We also plan to offer time over Family Weekend for parents to sell an arm and a leg to cover Spring 2018 tuition,” Baker said. The College is also looking into the possibility of indentured servitude for those with very little money that want to come
to Gettysburg to make a better life for themselves. Baker contends that this option is a win-win for the campus community. “Indentured servitude makes a Gettysburg College education a possibility for everyone, regardless of their socio-economic status, and will lower our payroll costs due to the free labor provided by the servants,” Baker said. While no one program will completely offset skyrocketing tuition costs, Baker encourages students to talk to their financial aid officer to create a package of these new options that works best for them. “We really want students and their families to have choice in how they pay for their education,” Baker said. “We hope that these programs will serve the needs of our students who are demanding innovative ways to make college affordable. We want our students to know that we hear you loud and clear, and we’re here to help.”
Hydraulic fracturing on campus: As if students were not already under enough pressure B y J oshua W agner S taff W riter
D r i l l i n g has commenced at Gettysburg College. After conducting some initial surveys, a patch of grass immediately adjacent to the CUB was determined to be the best location for the college’s new hydraulic fracturing well. Creed Greedy, the director of GettysburGets, the campaign for more construction at our college, said, “When we heard that the campus was conducting a climate survey, our department decided to conduct a subterranean study of the college. You know, to get to the bottom of things.” Greedy reports that this was when a pocket of Marcellus shale was found below campus. S t u d e n t s were dubious of the environmental impact of the project, but are tempted by the promise of reduced tuition and free laundry services funded by the exploitation of natural gas. Brian Les, the manager of the hydraulic fracturing well project, commented:
Inside This Issue
Blasts from the past
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Trump to visit campus, pg. 2
“These students have no understanding of the real world. They might think the environment is nice now, but 30 years from now, they won’t be thinking of the environment – they’ll be thinking about what they did with five extra big ones a year.” While often cited as the cause of flammable water and increased seismic activity, the installation does not seem to be shaking up the campus. Richard Caput, a member of the class of 2019 explained that he supports fracking on campus: “This isn’t supposed to be a safe space – explosions happen in the real world, so we should get used to flammable water now while we are still resilient to third degree burns. If this means that I have to give up smoking in the shower, so be it.” When questioned about increased seismic activity caused by fracking, Caput responded: “I live on the fourth floor of Muss, so if the building collapses, I should be okay.” What of the bottom three floors? “Well, they
New additions to the library, pg. 3
Fracking is underway next to the CUB at should have thought of way for the pumping that during the housing station necessary for the selection process.” hydraulic fracking well. One point In relation to o f c o n t e n t i o n i s the pumping station, t h e r e d i r e c t i n g o f Brian Les commented, t h e C o l l e g e U n i o n “It ain’t pretty, but Building’s upcoming i t ’ s f u n c t i o n a l . ” renovations. Students (Incidentally, this same were led to believe that quote was offered by the renovations of the several students with C U B w e r e i n t e n d e d regard to the current t o m a k e s p a c e f o r state of the CUB). the Center for Career Brian Les also Development, the GLC c o m m e n t e d o n h o w and the Office of Student fortunate it is that this Activities and Greek d i s c o v e r y o c c u r r e d Life. during the current However, after a d m i n i s t r a t i o n : “ I ’ m the discovery of fossil just glad that orange f u e l s , t h i s p l a n w a s Cheeto got into office. scrapped in order to make The EPA was getting
Earth actually flat, pg. 5
Penis Monologues, pg. 6
Student Senate news, pg. 7
Gettysburg College to be a real pain in the tush for a while there. If we have any luck, we’ll finish with this well before our four years are up.” Within several months the pumping station will be fully operational, and GettysburGets, the campaign for more construction, will be bolstered by the added revenue.Whether students ultimately decide to support or protest the project is yet to be seen; however, one thing is certain – these are interesting times at Gettysburg College.
Women’s Golf triumphs over Ryder Cup team, pg. 8
THE GETTYSBURGIAN
NEWS
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President Trump to visit campus for forum on the importance of embracing diversity in higher education Association of Crooked College Media Report As part of his “Made America Great Again” tour to celebrate the heralded accomplishments of his first 100 days in office, President Donald J. Trump has planned a rally to be held at Gettysburg College later this month. The event, co-sponsored by the Young Americans for Fascism and College Retrumplicans, will be held on the steps of the Office of Multicultural Engagement and will be titled “From Kellyanne to Bannon: How I’ve Embraced Diversity in My White House.” Tru mp, whos e warm embrace of taco bowls last spring put him on the radar of the Year of Food planning committee as a possible
guest speaker, is expected to cover topics such as how historically Black Colleges and Universities are pioneers in school choice, how paid protesters (such as those at the Women’s March on Washington) tried to stifle progress on his #MAGA agenda, and how Lincoln is now only the second-best president in history. “Believe me, they’re going to be renaming it the Trump Diner before you know it,” he said in a prepared statement. Meanwhile, members of the Gettysburg Apoplectic Communist Collective (GACC) have pledged to construct a wall out of cardboard boxes in an effort to stop Trump from being able to speak. “Now that we
Marine One will land on Stine Lake prior to the address
It is unclear how much applause President Trump will get at Gettysburg, but it’s hard to imagine exceeding the looks of joy here
took down our display in the library, we have all these extra boxes,” said Bernie Warren, a member of the club. “We’re all about reusing things, so this seemed like a natural opportunity to take a stand.” For his part, Trump launched a preemptive strike against The Gettysburgian. He tweeted, “The FAKE NEWS Gettysburgian is a total hit job. I can’t even read anymore. SAD!” And later, “Did you see that story in the failing @ GCGettysburgian criticizing a WALL in the library? So
dishonest. Walls are great -- that’s why I’m building one.” Press secretary Sean Spicer later announced that The Gettysburgian (and all other media outlets) would be prohibited from covering the event due to “biased, dishonest, and inaccurate reporting.” After a swarm of angry journalists protested this decision, a spokesman for the Trump White House said that they had agreed to allow a reporter from the YAF Daily Record, Milo Yaf-anopolous, to provide full coverage, and, upon approval of his story by White House communications staff,
it will be released to the rest of the media, which will be confined to Special Collections in Musselman Library during the speech to review hand-selected press clippings detailing the many accomplishments of the Trump White House in its first few months. “We want to educate the dishonest press on how we’ve ensured Obamacare will implode, which was really our plan all along, how we’re rolling back environmental regulations to allow for more coal production because we believe a lot of kids are going to be bad at Christmas this
year, and how Vladimir Putin likes his steak cooked, er, I mean how we’re investigating traitorous leakers,” said a spokesman for the administration. A l t h o u g h many Trump rallies have sparked security concerns, a spokesman for the Department of Public Safety said they were not at all worried about potential unrest. “Gettysburg students, in our experience, love bombastic right wing speakers, so we’re not concerned about any unrest. If anything, we’ll be focusing after the event on making sure that no fights break out over the #MadeAmerica GreatAgain hats President Trump plans to throw into the crowd. They’ll definitely be a hot commodity in the coming days,” he said. A college administrator who asked to remain anonymous expressed excitement for the visit. “No one values diversity as much as we do … except the president. We’re excited to have his unique perspective and fearless work on full display at our historic institution.”
Financial Aid excited to welcome College to introduce new new $275,000 assets to campus “ H o u r l y D i g e s t ” e m a i l s
A visual representation of one student’s value B y J amie W elch each student attends Gettysburg. E ditor - in -C hief Gettysburg “They may C o l l e g e F i n a n c i a l look modest now, but Aid officer Carolyn just you wait! Four Thompson could barely years from now these contain her excitement a s s e t a c c o u n t s w i l l W e d n e s d a y a s s h e have skyrocketed in reviewed a report of value to approximately deposits received for $275,000,” Thompson the Class of 2021. said. “I am just Thompson sees t i c k l e d p i n k a t o u r potential for growth enrollment numbers so e v e n a f t e r s t u d e n t s ’ far,” Thompson said as time at Gettysburg. she gleefully created “ B e t w e e n balance sheet asset i n t e r e s t c h a r g e s accounts for each of a n d l a t e f e e s o n the deposited students. i n s t i t u t i o n a l l o a n s , Tearing up a these assets could l i t t l e b i t , T h o m p s o n really balloon in the s a i d t h a t f o u r y e a r s long term,” Thompson seems like a short time, said. but that there will be “For instance, tremendous growth in take a look at student t h e f o u r s h o r t y e a r s number 574724800,”
Student
Senate
she said as she pulled up the incoming student’s long term asset growth projection report. “574724800 has institutional loans totalling $100,000 over four years. With an interest rate of 6.8 percent and a ten year repayment period, we’re looking at the potential for $38,096.57 in additional revenue. That’s a 13.8 percent increase in overall value on the account from institutional loans alone. And that’s without any late payment fees!” “We’re on track for the most profitable class yet,” she added with the warm smile and tone of voice of a proud parent. “This 3.5 percent tuition increase is doing wonders for our revenue stream.” At press time Thompson was making it rain $100 bills and dancing around her office to “For The Love of Money” by The O’Jays.
Bullet
B y B enjamin P ontz N ews E ditor
In response to recent data from the Campus Climate Survey that showed a concerning lack of student engagement, college officials announced the creation of new “Hourly Digest” emails that will appear in students’ inboxes 24 times each day. Other notable developments include the elimination of one’s ability to unsubscribe and mandatory weekly “Digest Quizzes” to test
Points
April 1, 2017 With funds drawing scarce for the remainder of the academic year, the Senate unveiled its new “Wing and a Prayer” approach to budget requests. Students will now spin a wheel to see how much money they will be allocated for remaining events during the academic year, and if the Senate fund runs out of money, a reserve of Bitcoin has been established.
students’ comprehension of the emails. Students with poor scores on the quizzes will be penalized in the housing lottery and likely will have to participate in weekly community meetings to boost their campus engagement. “We want to ensure all of our students have the most up-to-date information right at their fingertips,” explained Diana Cronkite, Deputy Assistant Coordinator for Residential & First-Year Programs and Associate Dean of College Life
for Required Student Community Engagement. “That’s why we developed the hourly digest: to ensure you can have all the information you need all the time, whether you want it or not.” Student feedback has been mixed. While one RA expressed excitement at the prospect of facilitating additional community meetings, most students shrugged and said that since the quizzes are on Friday afternoons, at least they’ll have forgotten about them by Saturday mornings.
DPS Crime Log
The Gettysburg College Department of Public Safety is pleased to report the discontinuation of its crime log reporting due to a newly found confidence that students will act as mature adults in all circumstances, which obviates the need for any reporting. DPS will also be closing down due to the lack of need for its services.
But seriously, if you’d like to see the “real” Student Senate Bullet Points and DPS Crime Log for this week, visit gettysburgian.com and click on the “News” tab.
THE GETTYSBURGIAN
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April 1, 2017
Seven foods you must Musselman Library to avoid for weight loss add new food outlets
If you are serious about losing weight, get serious about losing these foods from your diet
Courtesy of Flickr
A ri S naevarsson F eatures E ditor
by
In case you were starting to think that dieting is about gradual, sustainable, long-term changes in both eating patterns and mindset, I have devoted this week’s article to something a little different. Below you will find the seven deadly sins of weight loss foods, so to speak. Drop these foods from your diet and watch the belly fat burn away in front of your very eyes! 1. Foods you are allergic to This is a big one. People often get so caught up in the micronutrient profiles and digestibility and whatnot of their food choices that they forget one of the biggest obstacles to weight loss: being dead. The literature is quite clear on this one. While it is true that as the body disintegrates underground, weight is technically lost, there is another factor at play which might deter you from eating those peanuts you know for a fact will kill you on contact. When you are dead, you will no longer be able to lose fat or build muscle. So do not forget to keep this one in mind! 2. Foods you don’t find tasty If you have just devised what you consider to be a nearper fect diet plan, give it a second read-through before fully committing to it, to ensure there are no foods you will need to eat that you do not find tasty. An interesting thing happens when people resolve to stick to diets that include foods they are not fond of. When the dieter begins to realize that eating said foods is an unenjoyable experience, and maybe even makes them ill,
sooner or later their brains will tell them (in so many words), “Please stop doing this.” And us humans tend to listen to our brains, so this is not a great approach to dieting in my opinion. 3. Foods so caloriedense that willingly eating them would make no sense (i.e. entire sticks of butter) The second biggest obstacle to weight loss, after being dead, is being in a caloric surplus. Weight loss is the direct product of net caloric expenditure exceeding intake, and weight gain is the opposite. So, if you are eating too many calories, you will not lose weight. For this reason, I always highly caution people who wish to lose weight against consuming foods that are so high in calories that actually eating them would be weird or would only make sense as part of some extreme eating challenge. For example, deciding to see how much olive oil one can chug in five minutes, although hilarious, would be bad for weight loss (as well as the integrity of your GI tract and your reputation as a mentally sound human being). 4. Foods that are expired, dirty, poisonous, or too raw for human consumption Again, I cannot emphasize enough the importance of being alive if you want to lose weight. Dieting requires some effort on your part, and that means if you really want to shed those pounds for the summer, you are going to have to start looking at expiration dates, cooking meats to their designated safe internal temperatures, and resisting the urge to eat that poison ivy leaf you picked up on your walk today.
5. Food of an unspecified origin I do not mean gummy worms here (what the hell are those things anyway?) but rather any food you find out in the open which you cannot identify some key features of, which are: -How this food got here (see #6) -What food this is -What state of matter it is in -Why it smells so offputting 6. Food that is stolen or not yours Please do not steal food. 7. Spinach and other “healthy foods” This is becoming endemic in the dieting crowd. The prevailing notion upon starting a weight loss diet is that you should be eating whole, satiating, nutritious foods to confer health and other metabolic benefits. Yeah, no. Sorry, but unless you want to be a walking cliche, please just do yourself a favor and skip the green veggies and healthy fats and whatnot. It is an established fact that people who are perceived as cliches with no personality fail their diets, 100 percent of the time. I am no statistician, but those are not odds I would bet on. I hope this divergence in content type I have produced for you was enlightening. But more than that, I hope that the flashy, sensationalist style of this void-ofsubstance article tapped into your masturbatory, lower-level thinking. Because God forbid a health/fitness article tackle the pressing issues from an impartial and actually useful, while somewhat challenging, manner.
Interested in writing for Features? Are you sure? really? ....really?
Courtesy of Gettysburg College Flickr
M usselman L ibrary
As the campus prepares for the closing of the Bullet Hole for renovations, Musselman Library will be adding several food options on the Main Floor to supplement the offerings at the temporary Bullet Hole in the Dining Center. Grab-and-go sushi, salads, sandwiches and desserts will be available on the Main Floor in the area that currently houses a seating area by the magazines and journals. At the back of the Main Floor, warm foods that do not require a fryer or grill will be available for purchase including slices of pizza,
hot dogs and taquitos. “The warm foods will be similar to the offerings at the 7-11 counter,” noted Dean of the Library Robin Wagner. “H aving food choices at the library should make it easier for students who are often hurrying here in the afternoon and evening with to-go items from the Bullet Hole. The onestop shopping can help save students’ valuable time.” According to Natalie Hinton, Musselman Library’s Director of User Services, installation of the refrigerated cabinets for grab-and-go foods will
occur in June. Counters to hold food warmers and the warmers themselves will be installed in early July. She noted, “This will give us plenty of time to have things up and running for when students return in the fall.” In addition to the food areas, two cash registers devoted to food sales will be added along the Check Out and Reserves Desk to make food purchasing easier. The checkouts will accept credit and student charges. All of the equipment used in the library will be moved to the new Bullet Hole when renovations are complete.
Midnight Madness: A timeless Gettysburg tradition
Courtesy of Gettysburg College Flickr
A ri S naevarsson F eatures E ditor
by
Just this past Saturday, I was able to partake in what is, without question, the most time-honored tradition at Gettysburg College: Midnight Madness, or Mid Mad for short. It was at this venue where I, and certainly many other of my fellow classmates, came to understand the culture of this college first. Sure, the First Year Walk, CYC events and community meetings (I legitimately cannot remember if that is what they were called, and I am perfectly okay with that) were all emblematic of the college experience one gets on campus here. But it is at this infrequent gathering of students, late on a weekend night, at our main dining hall that the colors of the Gettysburg culture really shine. Upon entering, one
immediately gets the refreshing sense that all of these students have taken the time out of their Saturday nights to take a break from the late night studying, or to sacrifice their usual 10 p.m. bedtime, to gather with others and feast. Certainly, the collective woozy nature of these studious individuals serves to loosen us all up a bit, which is perfect for the activities laid out at this joyous event. Whether it is the melodic karaoke performances from students of all persuasions and social circles, or the fine dining offered to us in the form of gourmet nachos and frankfurters, or the incredibly loud, carefree laughter, the night is full of wonder and excitement. What is most heartwarming about this occasion, as any Gettysburg College
student will tell you, is the intermingling of students from all social groups and clubs. It would seem students, under the influence of their late night studyinginduced brain fogs, let go of all social confines for this beloved convention. In fact, in my short time there last Saturday, I witnessed this heartening phenomenon firsthand: many a “Sally, why do we never talk anymore?” and “Bro, I know we don’t hang out much these days, but you’re just such a good friend; I love you, man,” were heard. The sense of love and comradery in the cafeteria was so heavy, you could virtually smell it. As my graduation date nears, I can already tell that few experiences will I look back on as fondly as I will the feast that is Midnight Madness.
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April 1, 2017
Staff Box
The Gettysburgian Editors-in-Chief, Jamie Welch & Daniella Snyder Advisors, Jim Duffy & Jack Ryan News Editor, Benjamin Pontz
MS&T Editor, Kayla Britt
Copy Editors, Morgan Hubbard Nora Tidey Joshua Wagner Web Content Editor, Andy Milone Business Managers, Andrew Fitzsimmons Jess Schneider
Features Editor, Ari Snaevarsson Opinions Editor, Alex Romano Sports Editor, Claire Healey A&E Editors, Raichl Davenport & Katherine Lentz
WE HAVE THE MEATS
Penis Monologues April 1st at 8:00pm in the CUB Ballroom Have you used your liver to the max? Are you one beer away from jaundicing?
Captain Organ —ORIGINAL —
FRESH LIVERS
Call Health Services, and Captain Organ will set you up with a lightly used liver. In need of cash? We buy too!
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MONEY, SCIENCE & TECHNOLOGY Page 5
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April 1, 2017
Apple r e l e a s e s Scientific article t h e i P h o n e 8 suggests that the Earth is, in fact, flat By Kayla Britt MS&T Editor On April 1, 2017, Apple will release the iPhone 8, reports an unnamed but credible source. The phone will reportedly have retina recognition, which will replace the outdated fingerprint recognition function that unlocks the phone. “The retina recognition will be used solely for the purpose of securely unlocking the phone,” said the unnamed source. “Apple is certainly not collecting this personal information to sell to third-party sources.” The phone will also include an updated version of the popular and widely-used iPhone feature Siri. No longer do you have to fret over talking so slowly you forget what you were asking Siri in the first place. Provide Apple with access to all of your social media information and Siri will get to know you personally and easily interpret everything
you ask. Who needs privacy when you have the convenience of getting information more easily than ever? Junior Gregory Smith is eager to pick up the new iPhone. “I’m excited that I don’t have to go through all the trouble of putting my thumb on the home button to open my phone. It gets exhausting after a while.” The iPhone comes as a surprise to many who did not expect the phone to be released until September. “I was disappointed that I would have to wait all the way ‘til September to upgrade to the new version of Siri. I can’t wait to have a real personal assistant,” said Amanda Smiles. Even better, the new iPhone will come in an even wider range of colors than ever before- light silver, matte gray, midnight black and bright white. Apple will also begin selling a specialized phone cleanser for the bright white phones.
“Because of our commitment to our customers and their satisfaction, we find it highly important to market this cleanser to keep the phone in the bright white condition that customers leave the store with.” The cleanser will be sold for around $95. Of the price, the Apple insider said, “This phone cleanser is unlike regular phone cleansers. For one, it will come with the Apple logo. It also has the added benefit of a lavender scent so that customers can relax while they clean their phones.” Senior Sally Hayes is definitely going to buy a cleanser with her phone. “The Apple logo is more than enough reason to buy the special cleanser instead of a regular one from the store,” said Sally. The new iPhone is expected to have an even higher-quality camera. “It’s important to have the best quality for Instagram photos,” said first-year Sam Sully.
Campus health club calls f oB Ar Mc h e m i c a l f r e e A c cd iet most dangerous of all, ording to y
phra
urray
Staff Writer In recent years, the United States has seen a growing need for healthier diets – with rates of obesity and heart con ditions sky-rocketing. Gettysburg College’s very own Health Club has heard that call and is ready to take action. They have begun a grassroots campaign to increase awareness about chemical free diets, with the slogan Chemical Free by 2023. Backed by their extensive knowledge of science-related trivia and a Bio 101 class taught here at Gettysburg College, the club has vowed to get rid of GMO’s, pesticide grown food and the
chemicals. The club’s president graciously provided some statements on behalf of the club. In it she stated that the club fears for the dangerous direction that the United States as a whole and this campus specifically is headed in. When asked whether there were any examples on this campus, the president pointed to what is known as “Chicken Finger Friday.” This, she claimed, is a prime example of false advertising and pumped with dangerous chemicals. Should the Bullet Hole like to serve Chicken Fingers, then that’s what they should be, Chicken Fingers.
their Facebook page, the club aims to reduce the number of chemicals consumed on this campus by 100 percent. Realistically they said, given the way that food is industrially processed, the campus may have to resort to a water only diet. “This might be the wake up call the campus and this country needs!” cried the President of the club at the end of our interview. The campus is excited to see how the chemical free diet fares at Gettysburg College and hopes to see how their H2O diet, the chemical formula for water, succeeds.
An accurate visual depiction of the Earth according to new groundbreaking research
By Sam Siomko Staff Writer It was long thought that the Earth, much like the maps which we used to navigate it, was flat. This theory stemmed from the only evidence that early civilization had. They noticed that things did not always roll one way or the other, and the horizon looked pretty straight to them. So they concluded that the planet had to be flat. This was followed by theories of monsters and beasts that lurked on the edges of the map in the unexplored water, which caused enough fear to discourage voyaging for some time. However, it took Aristotle to provide proof of a spherical Earth, and the theory spread around the globe. With the advent of space travel, people could now see for themselves that the Earth and other planets are indeed spherical. But a recently published article on someone’s Wordpress blog has set the scientific community alight. The internet researchers mused that maybe the Earth is still actually flat and scientists had it wrong this whole time. They state that photos from space, such as the ones taken by NASA, show Earth as a circle instead of a sphere. They extend this to all other planets in our solar system: every image shows a circular planet instead of a spherical one.
This would put the eastern hemisphere on one side of the flat circle, and the western hemisphere on the other side, like a piece of paper. “Hemisphere” here is, of course, an antiquated term which refers to a spherical Earth, so the researchers suggested replacing it with the “right side” and the “left side” instead. Since not everyone can see the Earth from space, the researchers also use more accessible examples to prove their point. Planes, for instance, fly in a straight line without increasing or decreasing altitude to go around the supposed curvature of the Earth. If a pilot flew in a straight line on a spherical Earth, the researchers suggest, the plane would eventually crash into the curve. And that supposed rounded horizon when viewed from an airplane is just the byproduct of the rounded edge of circular Earth. Internet researchers from all over cited this article in their blogs, and soon the scientific community was bombarded with flat Earth supporters who were furious that this information had not been presented to them sooner. “It would be really hard to get this information into a peer reviewed journal, because there are so many spherical-Earth conspirators in the scientific community,” said one flat Earth researcher.
“We’ll need to use our own experiences and opinions as fact for a while until someone decides to actually test our theory. Once that happens, we can use small bits of that article to support our claims.” Since that statement was made, a few of the world’s most prominent geologists and physicists have published a paper with what they call “every bit of definitive proof of a spherical Earth known to humankind.” This publication also includes a video of Earth rotating in space to show its spherical nature. But the original researchers who revived the flat-Earth theory is unwavering. “These formulas have to be fake, because there isn’t anyone out there who would understand something like this,” they state. “That’s what’s so convincing about the Earth being flat. It makes sense.” However, some flatEarth scientists have begun to question the movement. “These internet research people sure use a lot of science in their claims, even though they say that science is usually wrong. They seem to know a lot about science, and we tend not to believe people who know a lot about science,” they claim. “We might go back to believing that the Earth is round, because at least then we don’t need to throw out our globe beach balls.”
AppTeezr
Byte-size reviews of the latest apps A-Overnight Love acing your classes but hate spending hour after hour buried in the library? Check out A-Overnight! This new app released for Android and Apple transfers information straight from your notes and textbook into your brain, for a bargain of $130,000 per month. Free up your schedule and have more time for the various activities the College has to offer. Side effects of the app have been reported to include insomnia and headaches as the brain expands to accomdate all the information that was previously ignored.
Water like this will soon be the only food available at Gettysburg College if the new campus “Health Club” gets their way. File photo.
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THE GETTYSBURGIAN
Page 6
A&E ♦
Saturday,
April 1, 2017
F e a t u r e d f i l m s i n WZBT: Gettysburg College’s Gettysburg Very Own Radio Station Majestic Theater
WZBT’s Top Weekly Adds and Albums “Artist”- “Disk” - “Label”
“The Last Word” 1 hour, 48 minutes – R Shirley MacLaine plays another lovable tart-tongued scold in this crowd-pleaser about a retired businesswoman who hires a young journalist to write her obituary. Friday - Saturday (3/31 - 4/1) - 4:00 p.m. and 7:00 p.m. Sunday (4/2) - 2:00 p.m. and 5:00 p.m. Monday - Thursday (4/3 - 4/6) - 4:00 p.m. and 7:00 p.m. “Kedi” 1 hour, 20 minutes – NR A purr-fectly magical documentary about the free-roaming cats of ancient Istanbul. Friday - Saturday (3/31 - 4/1) - 4:15 p.m. and 7:15 p.m. Sunday (4/2) - 2:15 p.m. and 5:15 p.m. Monday - Thursday (4/3 - 4/6) - 4:15 p.m. and 7:15 p.m.
WZBT Radio 200 | ‘Top New Releases’ | CMJ 1408 1. Buttertones - “Gravedigging” - Innovative Leisure 2. Coco Hames - “Coco Hames” - Merge 3. Goldfrapp - “Silvereye” - Mute 4. Jake Xerxes Fussell - “What In The Natural World” - Paradise of Bachelors 5. Mount Eerie - “A Crow Looked At Me” - P.W. Elverum & Sun WZBT Radio 200 | ‘Top 10 Requested Albums’ | CMJ 1408 1. Thundercat - “Drunk” - Brainfeeder 2. Knife In The Water - “Reproduction” - Keeled Scales 3. Active Bird Community - “Stick Around” - Active Bird Community 4. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - “The Tourist” - CYHSY, Inc 5. Damaged Bug - “Bunker Funk” - Castle Face 6. The Feelies - “In Between” - Bar/None Records 7. Halasan Bazar - “Burns” - Requiem pour un Twister 8. King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard-“Flying Microtonal Banana”- ATO Records 9. Laura Marling - “Semper Femina” - More Alarming Records 10. The Shins - “Heartworms” - Aural Apothecary/Columbia
Gateway Theater Showtimes FRIDAY MARCH 31ST THRU WEDNESDAY APRIL 5TH ** NO SHOWS AFTER 8PM MONDAY – THURSDAY ** **BARGAIN TUESDAYS – ALL SEATS $5 – ADDITIONAL FEE FOR 3D** BOSS BABY PG NO PASSES (1:10) (1:40) (4:10) (4:40) 7:10 9:30 GHOST IN THE SHELL (1:15) (4:15) 7:00 7:25 9:25 9:50
PG-13 NO PASSES
New Schmucker exhibition to highlight JMR
POWER RANGERS PG-13 (1:05) (4:05) 7:05 9:50 LIFE R NO PASSES, EXCHANGE (1:20) (4:20) 7:20 9:45 OR DISCOUNT TICKETS BEAUTY AND THE BEAST (1:00) (1:30) (4:00) (4:30) 7:00 7:30 9:50
PG
KONG: SKULL ISLAND PG-13 (1:15) 7:15 CHIPS R I.D. REQUIRED (4:45) 9:55
“Penis Monologues” t o c o m e o n Gettysburg’s campus B y M organ H ubbard S taff W riter
In response to high demand, the college has announced that April will bring the coming of the first-ever Penis Monologues performance on Gettysburg’s campus. The event will be co-sponsored by the Interfraternity Council and the Men’s Studies Department (the History Department). “We really wanted to have a show that was just for men and about men. It’s not every day that you get to sit down and hear about the difficulties men face and how they rally to overcome nasty rhetoric,” said student director Eric Shun. The monologues will range from humorous rants to heartfelt, but not overlyemotional, stories. The opening piece “You Wouldn’t Understand,” traces the story of a young man who must reconcile the anger he feels when his girlfriend shames him for having no first-hand experience of menstruation. “That one is my favorite,” says Johnson Big of the piece. “I just think it gets right into it. It makes people uncomfortable because
periods are disgusting, but we just can’t avoid this subject anymore.” Another piece brings in the classic male bravado that audiences have been waiting for. “Maybe I Can’t Get It Up Because You Aren’t Worthy of My Time,” takes a look at the stigmatization of erectile dysfunction through the comedic lens of a man who is tired of being used for his body. D i r e c t o r s originally thought about cutting the piece because it has been historically difficult to perform, but decided that its message was worth the risk of embarrassing the ego of the actor. “Put me in, coach,” said actor sophomore Harry Nuhmber. “I actually think the piece is really empowering for me. I get to test my acting skills and portray a character with an issue that is so marginalized by society. These are real men fighting on the fringe for respect they are entitled.” The event received some initial backlash, but the actors simply mansplained that this event is not meant to ignore the voices of those who do not have penises, but rather to emphasize the struggles
of those who must consistently be accused of sexist behavior. “I understand what this may look like, but it is a harsh reality we all must face. Sometimes having a penis is really hard, and women are just so gendercentric in their fight against sexism,” said senior Dick Smith. Taking a note from the really cute and thoughtful ideas of the girls involved in The Vagina Monologues in February, the cast has decided to donate the proceeds to a local cause. All proceeds from ticket and t-shirt sales will be given to Hidden Costs Inc., a for-profit organization that helps women make educated decisions about respectfully reporting sexual harassment without dismantling the framework of an entire company. The show will be in the CUB Ballroom at 8pm on April 1st. Tickets are $10 for men and $18 for women, to make up for the dinner your boyfriend probably just bought you. T-shirts are $10 and free for women who agree to compete in the wet t-shirt contest opening act.
A sample from the new JMR Exhibit opening Friday. Photo Credit: Katherine Lentz
B y D aniella S nyder E ditor - in -C hief
The newest Schmucker Art Gallery exhibit, opening April 2, aims to highlight the life and work of Gettysburg College’s president, Janet Morgan Riggs. World famous artists like Jeff Koons, Ai WeiWei, Yayoi Kusama have all submitted works of art to honor the legacy of Gettysburg College’s greatest president. The exhibition will feature 10 larger than life size marble sculptures of JMR— eating Chicken Finger Friday from Bullet Hole, calculating tuition increases and even one of her dressed in jeans on Casual Friday. The exhibition will also feature more than 20 selfies taken on JMR’s cellphone. While some selfies prove to be just humorous—one uses the “puppy” Snapchat
filter with Servo Sue— others show monumental events in the president’s time at Gettysburg College. For instance, one selfie documents her meeting Barack Obama. However, only half of Obama’s face can be seen in the selfie. The work is titled, “It’s hard to fit two really important presidents in one picture!” The exhibit will also feature minimalist works. An apple left half-eaten by JMR one day in Specialty Dining was preserved for this exhibition. A used napkin, another work provided by Specialty, is a key piece to the exhibition’s magnificence. While the exhibition will not premiere for another few days, students have already begun camping out in front of the gallery’s doors.
Servo Express will be setting up a food truck the night before for the JMR art enthusiasts. The food truck will serve JMR’s favorites: smiley fries, the rainbow M&M cookies from Servo, and peanut butter chocolate milkshakes. The bookstore will be selling a book preserving the exhibition for years to come. Shan Egan, director of the Schmucker Art Gallery, thinks that the exhibit will be extremely popular. “If people are still coming to see it, we will not take it down! We will keep the exhibit up until 2020 if visitors are interested,” she said. A gallery talk by Egan, as well as the artists, will take place on Apr. 2 from 5-7 p.m. Light refreshments and drinks will be provided.
THE GETTYSBURGIAN
OPINIONS Page 7
♦
Saturday,
April 1, 2017
Note: The opinions published in this section are those of the individual writers and are in no way representative of the views of The Gettysburgian staff, The Gettysburgian or Gettysburg College.
Time to stop believin’
B y A lex R omano O pinions E ditor
Since the Age of Enlightenment that began in the eighteenth century, there has been constant friction between the scientific and religious communities regarding such questions as the origin of man, that of the universe, what happens after death, and the existence of a divine being or divine beings. It is unquestionable that this touchy topic and the unending feud fought because of it have caused ample rethinking, valid intellectual inquiry, profound introspection and a good number of hurt feelings over the ages. However, there is one topic under discussion that has brought both the scientific and the religious communities to stalemate. This is not because it is one of those overwhelmingly complex, logic-defying and hard-to-swallow aspects of phenomena that just goes over the heads of both scientist and theologian alike for all of its uncertainty-
raising bafflement. Rather, this is one subject of discourse that serves both sides. It is none other than the classic, global 1981 single "Don't Stop Believin'" by the American rock group Journey. First consider this quote from famed atheist Richard Dawkins, author of "The God Delusion": "If you are seeking definitive evidence regarding the nonexistence of God or any other divine being, the answer does not lie in evolution, the supposed faults in the watchmaker analogy, or a lack of proof on the part of theists to support their claims, but in the existence of the song "Don't Stop Believin'" by the anthemic rock band Journey. That song is trite, mawkish, and utterly cancerous trash, and no omnibenevolent deity would ever allow its being. There you have it. God is dead because Journey killed Him." Then consider this quote from Reverend Billy Graham, the muchadmired former White
House spiritual adviser to presidents Eisenhower through Nixon: "Some people do not believe in God and the Devil, or Heaven and Hell, for reasons of science, among other things. But, if you have ever listened to the song "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey.... Well, then you know that there HAS to be a Devil. No other way could such an ungodly, horrendous song exist. It was recorded under Beelzebub's own label." It is always amazing how different a song's impact can be based on who listens to it. And with this song in particular, entire beliefs are heightened in passion, used for both sides of the science/ religion debate (provided that the validity of one cancels out the necessity of the other, but that's a different article altogether). So take another listen if you can bear to, and decide for yourself. Oh, and have a happy April Fools' Day.
Last Monday at the Student Senate meeting, the brave senators led an inspiring march to approve the Skeptical Chemists’ budget request of $46.50 in order to fund their April Social event. This decision is a liberating choice that will affect the Gettysburg campus for years to come and serves as evidence to why the Student Senate is such a crucial and essential part of the Gettysburg community. “We understand that funding Skeptical Chemists for this amount of money would be controversial,” says one senator, “but we realized that if we are going to make social change on this campus we have to overcome adversity and do what we know is right.” The $46.50, which will go towards pizza, drinks and decorations, was approved unanimously by the Senate voters after heated debate.
“It really goes to show that when we pull together we can accomplish great things here at Student Senate,” says an emotional Junior senator after the humanizing budget approval, “There is just so much passion here at Student Senate. It really affects the entire student body.” Student Senate has had a semester of incredible decisions and brave policy changes. Just this semester, Student Senate has approved the $30 budget request for the Asian Student Alliance, passed the budget request of $61 for STEMinists, and, against all odds, pushed through the whopping budget request of $150 for DCF. And who can forget the controversial decision to approve College Independents’ budget request for $80? “This is a true testament to the inspirational change that Student Senate makes,” says a Junior Environmental Science
20. Comfortable toilet paper 19. Laundry fees that students are happy to pay 18. Variety of on-campus food options after 10 pm 17. Refreshing morning commutes from Ice House 16. Reasonable tuition costs 15. High attendance at college-sponsored events that are not Host Provider 14. Fun, non-alcoholic weekend social events 13. Counselors that are always available to help 12. Single-seating availability in Servo 11. Air conditioning in every residence hall 10. Exciting town nightlife and entertainment 9. Healthy discourse between differing political parties 8. A healthy Greek life community that is not overwhelming 7. Really strong, reliable Wifi 6. Consistently pleasant weather 5. The beautiful sound of construction in the AM
Student Senate approves BOLD budget proposal B y S hae B elenski S taff W riter
The best Gettysburg has to offer
major,.“Every time I see a student senator on campus I thank them for the sacrifice of their time and their insurmountable bravery in making such dynamic and inspiring decisions for our campus. I cannot wait to vote for who will represent me this coming year.” The Skeptical Chemists are grateful for receiving the senate funds for their pizza and snacks for their event which has an expected turnout of 12 people. Student Senate continues to be a cornerstone group in the Gettysburg campus community. Their policy changes and decisions affect every single person on Gettysburg’s campus, and their importance cannot be understated. The campus is heating up for next week’s Student Senate, where they endure a grueling debate on whether they should approve the $40 budget request for Shots in the Dark.
4. Armed campus security 3. Friendly campus wildlife 2. The scenic pond next to Quarry 1. A healthy and positive campus attitude during finals week T H E U N I V E RS I TY O F S C R A N TO N
S U M M E R AT
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THE GETTYSBURGIAN
SPORTS
Page 8
♦
Saturday,
April 1, 2017
Bullet Women’s golf stuns Ryder Cup team Shot: Women’s golf defeats champion Ryder Cup team , earns bid to DI Athlete of the Week
Coach Kate Fowler By Claire Healey Sports Editor This week, the Gettysburg College women’s lacrosse team took on their first conference opponent, Ursinus College. Coming in clutch for the Bullets this week was assistant coach Kate Fowler. Fowler not only brought her usual energy and encouragement to the game, but she also brought snacks. First, during warm-up, she gave out some bananas and apples. The bananas would hopefully keep anyone from getting calf or foot cramps during the game! During half time, she rolled out a large blue cooler of orange slices. This was the most exciting snack of the day, as it reminded many players of the good old days of playing local intramural soccer when parents would By emily sheehan & bring orange slices. elizabeth hilrfank Post-game conStaff Writer & Sports tinued editor the classic Saturday soccer snacks with a choice between Rice Krispy Treats or Fruit Roll-Ups. It was a tough decision, and the votes were relatively split between the two snacks, but in the end Fruit Roll-Ups won out as the favorite postgame snack of the Lady Bullets. Fowler also brought water, apple juice, Capri Suns and Kool-Aid jammers for during and post-game drinks. Obviously Pacific Cooler Capri Suns were the most popular flavor of the day, but when those ran out, lemonade was fine. A member of the Gettysburg squad credited their victory over Ursinus to Fowler’s snacks. Usually they have to bring their own, so having classic soccer snacks really elevated their game. The Gettysburg College women’s lacrosse team will take on the toddlers of The Growing Place this weekend, so hopefully Fowler can come through with more snacks and be our Athlete of the Week again next week!
B y C laire H ealey S ports E ditor The Gettysburg College Women’s golf team had quite the tournament this past week. The Lady Bullets came away with an unexpected win against the 2016 Ryder Cup team. The champion American team famously beat the European team in a dominant 17-11 score on American soil. They decided last fall to give back to the amazing American fans by playing Ryder Cup style singles matches against college teams. The Gettysburg women were chosen from a fan contest submitted by senior captain Sarah Hansen. She entered the team on a golf.com contest and used their impressive record in the Centennial Conference to convince the team to pay Gettysburg a visit. In true Ryder Cup fashion, Gettysburg head coach Susan Konstalid and Ryder Cup team captain Davis Love III announced the pairings for Sunday’s singles matches on Golf Channel. The anticipation was building about who Konstalid would name to play the first match of the day against Ryder Cup star Patrick Reed. K o n s t a l i d went for the defending Centennial Conference champion, senior Sarah Hansen, to take down the champ. The pairings went as follows: Cooney vs. Spieth, Davis vs. Holmes, Feeney vs. Fowler, Fireman vs. Walker, Frankiewicz
Photo Credit: Gettysburg College Athletics
Junior Sam Sessa gave Gettysburg the final point to vs. Mickelson, Hatcher s c r a m b l i n g a r o u n d t h e vs. Moore, Martin vs. greens and seemed to Snedeker, Marini vs. D. l o s e c o n c e n t r a t i o n . Johnson, McFeaters vs. Hansen would then win Koepka, Schroeder vs. the 10th through the 12th Kuchar, and finally Sessa to go one up in the match. vs. Z. Johnson. Reed couldn’t stage a T h e m a t c h e s comeback. were looking good for The news of an exciting afternoon of Hansen’s victory trickled golf, even if the Ryder through the course as the Cup team was expected Gettysburg women were to win every match. The i n f o r m e d t h e y h a d t h e Bullets were hoping to at first point. It was like a least keep things close as switch was flipped and the day got started. the ladies were suddenly To start the first driving the ball further, match, Reed went two h i t t i n g f a i r w a y s a n d up on Hansen through greens with incredible t h e f r o n t n i n e , w h i c h accuracy and putting like was expected, but Coach Jordan Spieth during the K o n s t a l i d w a s h o p e f u l 2015 summer season. because she expected Davis, Feeney, each m at ch t o g o ni n e Hatcher and Schroeder all down with nine to play, came back to within one b u t H a n s e n h a l v e d hole of their opponents, several holes. but were unable to stage T h i n g s s t a r t e d the ultimate comebacks. to heat up after the turn Cooney vs. when Hansen won her S p i e t h , F i r e m a n v s . f i r s t h o l e o f t h e d a y . Walker and Marini vs. Reed was clearly shaken D. Johnson all ended up by Hansen’s impressive b e i n g h a l v e d . C o o n e y
come away with the victory. w a s a b l e t o o u t d r i v e holed it on the 16th from Spieth on the final five 123 yards out. Snedeker holes to come back from looked stunned but gave a six down deficit and tie Martin credit in his post up the match on the 18th. match interview for her F i r e m a n a n d nerves of steel under the W a l k e r w e r e t i e d f o r pressure of being one up m o s t o f t h e b a c k n i n e with two to play. and she was able to close The match came out the half point with a d o w n t o S e s s a v s . Z . 20-foot birdie putt on the J o h n s o n , t w o c l u t c h final hole. Walker stood players for their teams. speechless as he thought T h e m a t c h h a d b e e n the match and full point tied all day with no one w o u l d b e h i s w i t h h i s having won an individual incredible approach shot hole when Johnson hit a that put him just inches perfect tee shot off 18. from the cup. Sessa, however, came F r a n k i e w i c z , back with superb putting M a r t i n a n d M c F e a t e r s to birdie while Johnson each came away with a three putted and pared. victory and point for the The Gettysburg Bullets. Frankiewicz had College Women’s Golf been either tied or one up team will hope to build on Mickelson all day, so o f f t h i s s u c c e s s a s her victory was secured they’ve now been invited on the 17th green with t o b e c o m e a D i v i s i o n an incredible chip. I team. They will play M a r t i n a n d next at the Silverado McFeaters had both gone Showdown, April 9-11th two down at some point against the best in college in their matches, but each golf. came back to win. Martin
Centennial Conference institutes new rules for baseball
Conference gets new rules after sport becomes too easy By Andy Milone Staff Writer The Centennial conference has been recognized as one of the toughest conferences in all of Division III sports, but they want to make the game of baseball even tougher. In order to fulfill this request, they changed up a number of the rules in baseball to challenge the players further. Some of the biggest changes come in the batter’s box where the players must hit with a significantly smaller bat in order to challenge each player’s ability to see the ball. Another change has been enforcing that each player switch from the right to the left side of the plate and vice versa in between pitches. The pitcher will then have the advantage during 50 percent of the pitches. The batter will also need to wear an eye patch on their dominant eye. After the third inning is when the gloves come off, literally, as the players will play with their bare hands. It is during this time that the Canadian national anthem is sung to unify us and our North American counterparts. Each of the players took the time last week to learn French, and they can now utilize
their newly learned skill. There will be no more need for their crazy hand signals because they can now all speak French. The Centennial Conference asked the Gettysburg captains to come up with some new rules. Senior captain Will Anderson requested all catchers have the ability to spray water at opposing players as they walk up to the plate during their walkup song. Senior captain Connor Tom wanted players to run the
opposite way around the bases with third base acting as the new first base and first base acting as third base. There was some dispute though with other senior captain Eric Brown, who wanted to get rid of first and third base completely, so that it became two bases. Brown even suggested getting rid of the baseball during the second inning and having a kick ball be rolled out. The final senior
captain, J.J. Lucido, pushed for more than just bubble gum to be chewed in the outfield. He wanted the ability to eat a hotdog or two… maybe even some ice cream. Lucido wanted there to be Mr. G’s ice cream dropped off to the ballpark every day. One other interesting idea thrown out by the Centennial Conference was the idea of completely banishing baseball and replacing
the sport with whiffle ball in order to test the players’ defense in windy conditions and ability to hit a whiffle ball being thrown to the plate as a screwball. Changes are coming, and they are being implemented quickly. The Bullets hope that the changes will play in their favor as they travel to Allentown, Pennsylvania to take on the Muhls of Muhlenberg on Saturday at 12:30 PM.
Junior Chuck Probst and head coach John Campo discuss strategy for the new rules. Photo Credit: Gettysburg College Athletics
This weekend in Gettysburg College spring sports: Saturday, April 1st: Men’s golf vs. European Ryder Cup Team-8:00a.m. Women’s track at University of Oregon-9:15a.m. Women’s golf vs. Gettysburg Area High School-12:30p.m. Women’s lacrosse at The Growing Place-7:00p.m. Softball vs. Baltimore Orioles-1:00p.m. Baseball at New York Yankees-12:30 and 3:00p.m. Women’s tennis vs. Serena Williams-12:00p.m. Men’s tennis vs. Andy Murray-12:00p.m. Sunday, April 2nd: Men’s lacrosse vs. their moms-2:00p.m. Softball at Boston Red Sox-1:00 and 3:00 p.m.
Come out and support the men’s basketball team as they face North Carolina in the Final Four!!!!
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