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Volume CXIX, No. 12
1976 On this date in 1976, three professors in the history department were observed returning midterms to students with withdraw slips stapled to the backs. “It’s the bicentennial,” one professor said, “and a student said America w a s 30 0 ye a r s o ld . Like, even Richard Nixon had more of a clue than these kids.” 2004 A college tour guide fainted from exhaustion after explaining the Campus Blue Light system for the 24th time in 24 days. “We appreciate the hard work of our student tour guides in explaining campus safety to prospective students,” said a spokesperson for the Admissions Office. When asked whether the student tour guide qualified for worker’s compensation, she demurred before quickly changing the subject to Servo Thanksgiving. 2012 This year marks the fifth anniversary of the founding of the Gettysburg Attack Squirrel Awareness Club (GASAC), which began in response to a squirrel attack that sent two students to the Health Center with injuries after a squirrel jumped out of a tree to snatch a Servo coo k i e , a n d, in the process, aggressively tripped the injured students. No update on their status was ever publicly disclosed, nor were their names ever released. We assume they survived the ordeal, but we have no way to independently verify that. 2015 In the spring of 2015, we reported on the impending necessity for students to sleep in cardboard boxes on Stine Lake due to a shortage in housing. We are pleased to report that those students have now graduated, and 99% have found gainful employment since graduation, exceeding the college average. “I learned how to be self-sufficient ... and bitter,” one student said of his experience. Archived fake news compiled by news editor Benjamin Pontz
Saturday,
April 1, 2017
Saturday, April 1, 2017
FREE
College to hold first annual organ sales drive B y J amie W elch E ditor - in -C hief
In light of the recent increases in tuition, Gettysburg College announced Wednesday it will be holding a series of organ sales clinics throughout the remainder of the spring semester. College officials say students will be able to quickly and easily sell that extra kidney or part of a liver they have hanging around and get back on with their day, receiving a credit on their student account based on the value of each organ donated. Senior Associate Vice Dean of Enrollment Services Francine Baker says that this organ sales drive is in response to overwhelming student complaints about the rising cost of tuition. “We understand that the cost of a Gettysburg education keeps rising every year while household incomes remain largely stagnant,” Baker said. “We started looking at options for students and their families to leverage the assets they already have to make
Trained medical professionals will perform the procedures in the CUB Ballroom financing a Gettysburg class. degree more accessible for “We really students of all economic wanted to make it as easy backgrounds,” Baker as possible,” Baker said. continued. “When we “Students are heard about organ sales, demanding convenience we knew we were onto and speed now more than something.” ever, and we definitely Students who are were cognizant of that interested in the program w h e n c r e a t i n g t h i s are encouraged to visit program.” the Health Center for a Health Services free organ sales readiness employee Nancy Smith check. Students that pass says that students need this check will be invited not worry about the safety to attend one of five organ of such a complicated sales clinics to be held in procedure being conducted the CUB Ballroom through so quickly in a non-sterile the last day of classes. environment. Baker says “All organ students will be able to e x t r a c t i o n s w i l l b e sell their organ over lunch conducted by Health and be back on their feet Services’ world class Nurse in time for their 2:10 p.m. Practitioners,” Smith said.
“Health Services has a reputation for quality and accuracy. Students can rest easy knowing that our staff will be wielding ultrasharp surgical steel right near their renal artery.” As part of the college’s ongoing commitment to immersive learning experiences, students in the pre-health advising program will assist in performing the procedures provided they complete a 30 minute online training course entitled “Extracting Sustainable Excellence: A Primer.” Baker says that this program is only the beginning of a series of new “alternative payment options” designed to help students manage the rising cost of tuition. “We also plan to offer time over Family Weekend for parents to sell an arm and a leg to cover Spring 2018 tuition,” Baker said. The College is also looking into the possibility of indentured servitude for those with very little money that want to come
to Gettysburg to make a better life for themselves. Baker contends that this option is a win-win for the campus community. “Indentured servitude makes a Gettysburg College education a possibility for everyone, regardless of their socio-economic status, and will lower our payroll costs due to the free labor provided by the servants,” Baker said. While no one program will completely offset skyrocketing tuition costs, Baker encourages students to talk to their financial aid officer to create a package of these new options that works best for them. “We really want students and their families to have choice in how they pay for their education,” Baker said. “We hope that these programs will serve the needs of our students who are demanding innovative ways to make college affordable. We want our students to know that we hear you loud and clear, and we’re here to help.”
Hydraulic fracturing on campus: As if students were not already under enough pressure B y J oshua W agner S taff W riter
D r i l l i n g has commenced at Gettysburg College. After conducting some initial surveys, a patch of grass immediately adjacent to the CUB was determined to be the best location for the college’s new hydraulic fracturing well. Creed Greedy, the director of GettysburGets, the campaign for more construction at our college, said, “When we heard that the campus was conducting a climate survey, our department decided to conduct a subterranean study of the college. You know, to get to the bottom of things.” Greedy reports that this was when a pocket of Marcellus shale was found below campus. S t u d e n t s were dubious of the environmental impact of the project, but are tempted by the promise of reduced tuition and free laundry services funded by the exploitation of natural gas. Brian Les, the manager of the hydraulic fracturing well project, commented:
Inside This Issue
Blasts from the past
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Trump to visit campus, pg. 2
“These students have no understanding of the real world. They might think the environment is nice now, but 30 years from now, they won’t be thinking of the environment – they’ll be thinking about what they did with five extra big ones a year.” While often cited as the cause of flammable water and increased seismic activity, the installation does not seem to be shaking up the campus. Richard Caput, a member of the class of 2019 explained that he supports fracking on campus: “This isn’t supposed to be a safe space – explosions happen in the real world, so we should get used to flammable water now while we are still resilient to third degree burns. If this means that I have to give up smoking in the shower, so be it.” When questioned about increased seismic activity caused by fracking, Caput responded: “I live on the fourth floor of Muss, so if the building collapses, I should be okay.” What of the bottom three floors? “Well, they
New additions to the library, pg. 3
Fracking is underway next to the CUB at should have thought of way for the pumping that during the housing station necessary for the selection process.” hydraulic fracking well. One point In relation to o f c o n t e n t i o n i s the pumping station, t h e r e d i r e c t i n g o f Brian Les commented, t h e C o l l e g e U n i o n “It ain’t pretty, but Building’s upcoming i t ’ s f u n c t i o n a l . ” renovations. Students (Incidentally, this same were led to believe that quote was offered by the renovations of the several students with C U B w e r e i n t e n d e d regard to the current t o m a k e s p a c e f o r state of the CUB). the Center for Career Brian Les also Development, the GLC c o m m e n t e d o n h o w and the Office of Student fortunate it is that this Activities and Greek d i s c o v e r y o c c u r r e d Life. during the current However, after a d m i n i s t r a t i o n : “ I ’ m the discovery of fossil just glad that orange f u e l s , t h i s p l a n w a s Cheeto got into office. scrapped in order to make The EPA was getting
Earth actually flat, pg. 5
Penis Monologues, pg. 6
Student Senate news, pg. 7
Gettysburg College to be a real pain in the tush for a while there. If we have any luck, we’ll finish with this well before our four years are up.” Within several months the pumping station will be fully operational, and GettysburGets, the campaign for more construction, will be bolstered by the added revenue.Whether students ultimately decide to support or protest the project is yet to be seen; however, one thing is certain – these are interesting times at Gettysburg College.
Women’s Golf triumphs over Ryder Cup team, pg. 8