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Blasts from the past
This week in 1898, GettyLeeks reported that there was mold found in Penn Hall. Two students stated that they had seen mold on their dorm wall when they came back from spring break. The college swiftly moved the students to a different dorm. The college compensated them with a $18 check, which is equivalent to $500 today. The students were pleased with the college’s swift actions that they decided to give the college a decent amount in donations when they became rich and famous. This week in 1978, a large snowstorm struck the Gettysburg area. There were about 8 inches of snowfall in one day. When students that day passed Stevens Hall, the famous ‘Blue Boy’ ghost was causing some mischief. Students were hit by snowballs the entire day, from the direction of Stevens Hall. At first, people believed it was one of the students from the Hall, but soon one of the students from the hall saw the Blue Boy in one of the windows, pelting people with snowballs. One professor was even knocked over by a snowball to the back of their head! Now, people stay away from Stevens during snowstorms to not get hit by Blue Boy’s snowballs! This week in 2003, the college had been offered too many statues of Lincoln. Being the college in the town where a president gives an important address means you are asked to take a lot of statues of said president. The college wanted to take some of the statues, but there were so many interesting and unique statues, that the college just did not know which ones to take. An emergency Student Senate meeting was held to deal with the issue. One of the major ideas was to build a “Lincoln Sculpture” Museum right next to the Penn Hall. Although it did not happen, there are still some whispers about the possibility of this museum. This month in 2013, there was a Get Acquainted Day catastrophe! The famous ‘orange dots’ that are given to students who have decided to come to Gettysburg went missing. Parents who were excited to get pictures of their child with their orange dot to post on Facebook were upset when they were told the dots were missing. An email went out to the entire campus stating that anyone who found the missing orange dots would be given 50 dining dollars. Many coffee addicted students began looking for the dots to get the reward for their coffee fund. The orange dots were never found that day, making that the year dubbed, “the Year No These archived “blastsof from Dots.” the past” were compiled by Thesewriter archived “blasts from staff Shannon Zeltmann the past” were compiled by thanks to Special Collections staff writer Shannon Zeltmann in Musselman Library. thanks to Special Collections in Musselman Library.
Sunday April 1, 2018
Sunday, April 1, 2018
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Accelerated Administrator Removal Program (AARP) developed to promote sustainable excellence B y B enjamin P ontz M anaging N ews E ditor
Citing the need to reduce personnel costs in this age of sustainable excellence, the college announced a complementary program to the Faculty Retirement Incentive Program (FRIP): the Accelerated Administrator Removal Program (AARP). The program r e q u i r e s e a c h department to reduce its administrative staff by at least 25 percent without losing workplace productivity, a challenge most administrators believe will be daunting but many other members of the campus community think is long overdue. “How many A ss ociate D irectors of Miscellaneous Nonsense can we possibly need?” wondered Marco Cruz ‘19 before adding, “Well, there is a lot of nonsense around here … we probably need someone to keep it all organized.” Bob Royer, Executive Director of Nonsense Administration, worries about the impact AARP will have on his department, which is
slated to lose at least six employees. “Without four principal executive senior associate directors of interdivisional programming, we’re really in some trouble in terms of administering all of the projects that we get assigned from the 36 different divisions across campus,” he said, noting that College Life alone has 17 divisions that work on collaborative projects with no clear benefit to the campus community. “I don’t know how the committee on committees will function.” Others are concerned about the effect on the campus climate of terminating people whose jobs have no apparent value. “What kind of workplace is it where we say that if you don’t contribute something productive, your job is going to be eliminated?” wondered Mel Moore, Deputy Coordinator for Quality Management in the Office of Interrelated Feel-Good Initiatives. “That’s just not the type of campus climate most administrators here want.”
College administrators celebrate making the cut from the latest round of AARP (Photo courtesy of Gettysburg College) According to a recent campus climate survey, 88 percent of administrators reported feeling overworked and underpaid, while 73 percent said most of their colleagues were overpaid and underworked. “Why does Marsha in accounting get to keep her job while my work is completely integral to the functioning of the college? All she does is make sure bills get paid,” bemoaned Priscilla Davis, who oversees the supervisor of the shift manager in
Quorum present at faculty meeting
There hadn’t been this many Welch/The Gettysburgian) B y J amie W elch E ditor - in -C hief Commenting that it was “the most faculty she’s ever seen at a faculty meeting” and that they “can finally approve the last six years of minutes,” President Janet Morgan Riggs stood in shock Thursday in Mara Auditorium as the Kahoot! digital voting system showed that at least fifty percent plus one of those who have faculty voting status were present at the start of the meeting. “It is really great to see that the faculty have decided to become engaged in the process of governing the institution again,” Riggs said. The uptick in attendance followed previous faculty meetings at which the attendance had precipitously dropped off to the point that Scheduling Coordinator Cathy Zarella threatened to move faculty meetings to CUB 230.
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people in Mara since Todd Green came (Photo Jamie “We need to use our campus spaces effectively, and putting 20 people in a room that can hold 300 is grossly irresponsible,” Zarella said. Zarella said that she is not concerned about upsetting the faculty with the move to the Glatfelter 007 conference room. “I don’t care that it’s the faculty...maybe I’d be more willing to work with them if they could figure out how to submit a 25Live request earlier than three hours before they need a space,” she said. The attendance issue came to a head at last week’s faculty meeting when Char Weise, Professor of Economics and Chair of Faculty Council, stood up and announced that they have to actually get something done. “We’re going to have to vote on these motions at the next meeting, so I would encourage you to tell
your colleagues to come to faculty meetings, especially the ones for the rest of the semester, or else we won’t be able to do the business of the faculty,” Weise said. “It’s their job.” Riggs echoed Weise’s sentiment. “I don’t want to go to the Board of Trustees with a [Freedom of Expression] philosophy statement and tell them that there weren’t enough faculty who came to the meeting to vote. That would be really embarrassing,” Riggs said. Riggs closed Thursday’s faculty meeting by begging the faculty to come back for the April 5 meeting, and announced that to encourage even greater participation future faculty meetings would be fully catered. “You know what? We are going to make the meetings Host Provider too!” Riggs added in desperation.
Washing Health Center How To: Lose machine runs out of wishing salt packets, a YAFhole in 10 Days, wells, closes, pg. 4 pg. 2 pg. 3
the Student Outreach Program. “When I do my job better, they just fire other people, giving more work to me, but now I’ve been fired, so sucks to be my supervisor, who now has to directly oversee the overseer of overseers of students!” While some students believe the number of administrators is severely bloated, those same administrators each produce volumes of charts, tables, and graphs to demonstrate their supposed worth. Nevertheless, at least 80
positions are expected to be affected by AARP, leaving some administrators to wonder how the work will get done. “Listen, if they expect me to increase the actual time I spend fulfilling my job responsibilities from 15 minutes to 18 minutes each day, they have it coming,” one anonymous mid-level administrator in Information Technology said. “I’ll just retire at 45 and cash in on my full pension.”
College announces 50 percent tuition cut after wildly successful campaign
Photo courtesy of Gettysburg College B y B enjamin P ontz M anaging N ews E ditor T h e r e p o r t a l s o c i t e d success from last year’s As the Gettysburg organ sales drive, which Great campaign draws to allowed parents as well a close after eight years, as current students to President Janet Morgan donate an arm and a leg Riggs announced that toward their education. tuition would be cut in “Our parent half from $67,000 to relations staff was able to $33,500 for the 2018-19 make the case to parents academic year. that if they simply “As we learned donated a gallbladder, from the cinematic tuition payments would masterpiece that was the be less galling,” the campaign kickoff video, release said. “For current greatness takes action. students who were not We set a goal to raise equipped to donate at $150 billion, and, after the $75,000 level, we sitting in our offices were able to create sending out harassing individualized organ messages to students, packages and even allow parents, faculty, and students to sell their soul alumni, we exceeded in order to participate in it,” a press release from the campaign.” the college, featuring the The release standard fireworks photo cautioned that, despite used in all celebratory raising $183.2 billion, messaging, said. “Thanks the college would only to the efforts of our be able to afford the current students, each of tuition decrease for one whom donated more than year. $75,000 to the campaign, “We have to pay we are able to reduce top-dollar for the tuition commensurately -Continued on page 3by $33,500 for one year.”
IFC introduces “FratPass” card, pg. 5
Sunderman Strings to open for Springfest, pg. 6
Hanson fungus: a failed cover-up, pg. 7
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Sunday April 1, 2018
Facilities to replace washing machines with wishing wells
(Photo Jamie Welch/The Gettysburgian) B y M organ H ubbard S taff W riter Starting in April, the college will be replacing the washing machines in every residential facility with wishing wells. The project will begin April 1 and is estimated to take three weeks. Facilities Services will be posting more specific information about which residence hall laundry rooms will be closed on which dates in the next few days. Each current washing machine will be removed and donated to the Art Department for next semester’s modern installation on capitalism and money laundering. The new wells will be built with the bricks salvaged from the old portion of the College Union Building, and the water will be supplied from a direct drainage pipeline from the sidewalks surrounding the
library. “We really wanted to make this project sustainable and think about the lasting impacts on our students. It’s like a wish come true,” said the Director of Facilities Services. The new wells will unfortunately only operate with coins and dollar bills. College vending dollars will not be accepted, and any student ID thrown in the well will not be retrieved until the project ends, likely in 2025. Student Senate is currently debating whether to demand that coin machines be put in the laundry rooms as well. The initiative was launched after a significant number of complaints were lodged about the condition of the washing machines available for use in several residence halls. One student wrote, “I might as
well throw my money down the drain. At least then it might get cleaned.” In a meeting last month, the Better Use of Funds Committee voted to make the replacements a priority before the summer months. “We are really sad to see that so many of our students have been struggling to get their laundry cleaned for so long. I really just wish someone would have told us sooner,” said a member of the committee. The objective is to provide students with an opportunity to manage frustration with the facilities concerns and raise money for better laundry services in the coming years. The committee included members of Facilities Services, College Life, the Health Center, and the Counseling Center in order to foster a multi-
dimensional approach to the objective. “Students have really been struggling with stress and depression lately, so I think that giving them an outlet like this, one that implies hope for the future, will have really great impacts,” said one of the school counselors. A member of the Health Center staff was relieved that “the committee gave consideration to the diameter of the wells and considered the safety of our drunken students.” Students have not been as excited about the project as so many administrators have. One student commented on the college’s Facebook announcement of the decision: “My first wish will be for a working washing machine. My second will be for Dickinson to accept my application.”
Ford suffers carpal tunnel from too much emailing
The Center for Career Development’s Christopher Ford clutches his wrist in agony due to the carpal tunnel syndrome that he has developed as a result of too much emailing (Photo Maddie Neiman/The Gettysburgian) B y M addie N eiman S taff W riter The Center for Career Development’s own Christopher Ford, Career Counselor and Coordinator of Marketing, was diagnosed earlier this week with a severe case of carpal tunnel in both of his wrists. Students might best recognize Ford from their Outlook inboxes, where his name has appeared again and again (and again) next to emails about upcoming career opportunities. Ford’s tireless
dedication to keeping students informed about every externship and internship and job fair and networking event and informational session occuring on- and off-campus has taken a heavy toll on Ford’s physical health. According to the prognosis provided by a medical professional, Ford suffers from carpal tunnel syndrome in both his right and left wrists. Although the mass quantity of emails sent by Ford caused the bulk of his nerve pain, his condition was worsened by the fervently-
typed note that he attached to the end of each email-- an aggressively bold-faced and fully-capitalized reminder that students should “NOT RESPOND TO ALL ON THIS EMAIL OR SCHEDULE AN OUTLOOK MEETING VIA THIS LIST SERVE!” Tacked onto every email, this helpful note only added stress to the building tension in Ford’s wrists from his steady, unending, bordering excessive output of emails every week. Despite medical professionals urging Ford to
consider surgery in order to relieve the pain more fully, Ford allegedly did not hear their recommendation, as he was too busy typing his second email in less than an hour about an upcoming workshop on the practical and innumerable uses of LinkedIn. GettyLeeks wishes Ford a speedy recovery and the students of Gettysburg College the best of luck with their email inboxes.
Parking enforcement officer fired for allowing car to park illegally for five minutes without ticket
Photo courtesy of Gettysburg College B y J amie W elch comes from parking enforcement revenue, E ditor - in -C hief and our public safety Clint Bowman, officers play a critical a 20-year veteran of role in ensuring that the the Gettysburg College college can keep falling Department of Public short of its revenue Safety, was fired projections in other Tuesday after an internal areas,” Konstalid said. investigation revealed K o n s t a l i d that he failed to ticket expressed relief that a student’s vehicle that it was only a visitor’s had been parked for five space violation that had minutes in a visitor’s been overlooked, and space in Masters Lot. not something far more Bowman said serious like a first-year that he was making his with a car on campus. rounds in Stadium Lot, “If he had missed slapping tickets on cars a first-year on their parked in the employee second offense parking section randomly on campus without an situated in the middle exemption permit we of an otherwise student would have lost $300 lot, at the time that Brent in revenue. In that Curtis ‘20 parked his case, we would have late model Ford Focus had no choice but to to in Masters Lot. Bowman sue [Bowman] for gross claimed that, at the time, negligence.” he had no idea that the Lafferty said that egregious infraction of although the parking the Gettysburg College enforcement team was Traffic and Parking down a man, DPS will Regulations by Curtis maintain efficiency was ongoing. Closed through the use of ci r cu it camera f ootage the department’s new showed that by the time parking enforcement Bowman arrived in drone. Masters Lot five minutes The drone is later, Curtis had already equipped with a high made a clean getaway resolution camera with no $30 ticket capable of reading affixed to the windshield parking permits from of his vehicle. hundreds of feet in the Bill Lafferty, air. As soon at it detects Assistant Vice President a violation the drone of College Life and swoops down from the Executive Director of sky and affixes a parking Public Safety, said he ticket to the offending was saddened that he vehicle. had to let Bowman go, The drone is but that the offense in capable of completing this case was too big to the entire process less ignore. than 15 seconds after a “Clint has been violation has occurred. very loyal to DPS, and “The digital age we wish him all the best is changing every aspect moving forward, but of our lives, and now we can’t have someone that change has come to on our parking team DPS,” Lafferty said. who lets things slide,” Some students, Lafferty said. “We rely however, were slightly on parking enforcement less enthused about revenue to keep this the prospect of a drone college going, and we to monitor parking can’t have someone violations, wondering derelicting their duties.” whether that could Dan Konstalid, be a violation of the Vice President of Finance unauthorized recording and Administration, policy. agreed with Lafferty “ B u t w h o that, although he liked knows,” said the Bowman, parking exasperated student, who enforcement revenue is insisted on anonymity, critical to the budget fearing the wrath of the of otherwise insolvent Student Life Committee. distinctive programs “They probably haven’t such as the Garthwait read the policy either, Leadership Center, and and if it’s anything like failure to issue tickets the underage drinking in a timely manner was policy, they won’t a fireable offense. enforce it either.” “Nearly 80 percent of our budget for these programs
DPS Crime Log Compiled by Benjamin Pontz, Managing News Editor Students were not involved in any disciplinary incidents the week after spring break due to their ongoing commitment to catching up on m is s ed readings and fourth hour activities, and getting a jumpstart on end-ofsemester projects. Because he was not busy writing incident reports, Sergeant Barry
D. Crime was witnessed investigating a new hobby: whistling. As of press time, sounds of “Loyalty” could be heard emanating from West Stevens Street. (Editor’s Note: The crime log will return next week in its entirety for incidents occuring from March 19 until April 8.)
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Sunday April 1, 2018
Health Center runs out of salt Communications & Marketing article formula exposed: Our packets, closes simple four-step guide
Salt (File photo) B y J amie W elch E ditor - in -C hief The Gettysburg College Health Center has run out of salt packets and consequently is closing its doors until their stock is replenished, according to a statement released by Urman Competent, Director of Health Services. “We apologize for any inconvenience that this closure may cause our students,” the statement reads in part. “We are working expeditiously to secure the medicinal salt packets required to reopen and again provide worldclass service to the campus community.” The Health Center provides a range of services, from table salt for the common cold to himalayan salt packets, which are reserved for those with more serious illnesses like tuberculosis or meningococcal meningitis. Competent said that the health center’s entire stock of table salt packets was exhausted late last week, but due to a national salt shortage, they have been unable to acquire more in a timely fashion. “For most of this week we were able to work with our friends next door at Dining Services to provide us with the salt packets our patients so desperately need since they don’t use it in their cooking anyway, but now they too have run out of salt,”
Competent said. “We’ve even run through of our emergency rock salt backup stores, provided courtesy of Facilities Services.” According to Competent, Facilities Services volunteered their vast salt stores last week in the middle of a snow storm, stating that they “won’t be putting it on the sidewalks anyway.” “It was so heartwarming to see campus partners working together to ensure student health is maintained,” Competent said. “My faith in humanity was restored.” D e s p i t e everyone’s best efforts, the salt supply dried up this morning, forcing the Health Center into immediate closure. “We hate to do this in the middle of one of the worst flu seasons in recent history,” the statement said, “but when you’re out of salt, you’re out of salt.” Competent said in an interview with GettyLeeks that Health Services does have a small supply of salt available at DPS for dire emergencies, such as someone with smallpox or the black plague. “Don’t show up with West Nile and expect to get one of these salt packets; it ain’t gonna happen,” Competent said. According to a sample of student responses gathered by
GettyLeeks, students are fairly salty about their experiences at the Health Center in recent years. “I had the swine flu, and all they did was shove a Burger King salt packet in my face and sent me on my way,” bemoaned Murgatroyd Jones ‘18. “I expected at least coarse sea salt for an ailment that serious.” “It’s really like salting the wounds not to have salt available to rectify my broken leg,” said an athlete who requested anonymity in hopes of securing an emergency ration. S t u d e n t s expressed frustration about the lack of pinpoint diagnostic expertise now that the Health Center has shut its doors. “Now instead of going in with symptoms of dengue fever and being diagnosed with seasonal allergies, I’m searching for symptoms of heat rash on WebMD and getting a skin cancer diagnosis in return,” Frieda Katz ‘21 said. “And the Health Center doesn’t even have any salt to treat it!” C o m p e t e n t assured GettyLeeks that salt was on its way and the closure of the Health Center will be over soon. “Don’t worry— before you know it we’ll be back to not accepting your insurance and billing our exorbitant fees to your student account!” Competent said.
T H E U N I V E RS I TY O F S C R A N TO N
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A detailed diagram of the GCC&M formula; see additional examples at http:// gettysburgian.com/formula B y B enjamin P ontz M anaging N ews E ditor Have you ever noticed that every article on gettysburg.edu is the same? Literally by inserting a new name and some new photos, you too can be the author of “original” content for the college website. Here is a simple four-step formula to help you write your very own Gettysburg College homepage features: 1) Choose a first-year seminar or— if you’re particularly adventurous—a senior seminar that had a great impact on the student being spotlighted. This seminar had a singlehandedly life-altering impact on the student, no matter what. 2) The student then goes abroad. It doesn’t matter so much where. The key is that it too was a life-altering experience that provided them a new perspective on the world. If the student happens not to have studied abroad—and this is typically a disqualifier from being plastered
on the website—double down on the narrative of how the student arrived at Gettysburg College and envisioned every component falling into place exactly as it did … except for that transformative experience in part three. 3) Here, you have a choice. The key is to make the inextricable connection to the life-altering study abroad experience and to sprinkle in some buzzwords like “impact,” “transformative,” “social justice,” “selfawareness,” “holistic,” “experiential,” “ c u r i o s i t y , ” “networking,” “passion,” “entrepreneurship,” “ d i s t i n c t i v e , ” “ i n s p i r i n g , ” “innovative,” or “great work.” a. Garthwait Leadership Center Leadership Certificate program to empower the student to take what they learned abroad and apply it to their campus involvement b. Center for Public Service to allow
the student to engage with an issue they discovered or on which they gained a new perspective while abroad c. Eisenhower Institute to demonstrate that the college is really working hard to convince people that this public policy component of the strategic plan actually exists 4) An internship or job placement relevant to the study abroad experience caps off this article with a gushing quote on how liberal arts prepares you to do anything. With these four steps in your arsenal, you are prepared to craft on-brand messaging that demonstrates how “our fearless inquiry of the self and world unleashes positive impact,” “we pursue our mission with energy and perseverance,” and “our transformative experience inspires purposeful change.”
Rumors of Gettysburg Greater campaign swirl -Continued from page 1actors who appear in our admissions brochures,” one source in the admissions office said while munching on surfand-turf and escargot. “Some of our current students are just too bitter about the high cost of tuition to portray the type of aesthetic our marketing campaign requires.” In future years, the college’s development team suggested that if each student increased his or her annual giving $125,000, the college could provide free tuition
for all students. “In this time of increasingly unaffordable education, we want to be able to provide free college to our students,” the release said. “It’s important for us to take this step in making college affordable for all.” F o r m e r presidential candidate Bernie Sanders applauded the college’s efforts to make college free for all. “They’re going to be giving college to everyone—not just the top one-hundredth of one-tenth of one percent!
Everyone!” Sanders said. “This is a revolution.” As of press time, rumors were swirling about the potential launch of the Gettysburg Greater campaign, which will aim to provide safe living conditions — free of mold — to incoming students. The college does not plan to prioritize the campaign, noting that mold endurance is a character-building exercise. “We don’t want our students to get too soft,” one source said.
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Gettysburg College New cult forms new housing initiative: s u r r o u n d i n g ‘Servo’ celebrity “Too Cold for Mold” B y N oelle Z immerman and G auri M angala C o -F eatures E ditors As the snow continues to fall with no signs of slowing up, more and more igloos appear to be popping up around campus. Gettysburg College students have simply had enough of the mold and various other residential issues, so they decided to take measures into their own hands. So far, these new igloo habitats have been spotted at SAE, Lambda, and 35 East Lincoln. While most of the student body approves of this creative and innovative solution, some faculty and staff are expressing their concerns. One faculty member noted that, “As fun as it may sound, a college student should
not be living in an igloo for multiple days. It is simply too cold outside, and there is no way to know whether or not the structure is actually safe.” However one student responded to these concerns by saying that, “College is the best four years of your life, I want to live the rest of those years in an igloo.” While both sides of the argument are very convincing, it is difficult to disagree with the student. Another student proposed a third idea, which would entail, “knocking down every building on campus and replacing them with giant igloos.” We at GettyLeeks found this statement very difficult to disagree with as well. Sources at Residential & First-Year Programs have confirmed that this is in fact the beta-testing model
How to YAFhole in B y M organ H ubbard S taff W riter I have been feeling anxious and powerless since the country has taken a turn for the political turmoil expressway. Have you? In an effort to take matters into my own hands, I decided to do a bit of very, very serious psychological st udy about a national group I’ve felt personally victimized by for years now. Perhaps I will learn something new or build empathy. Perhaps I will find a trophy husband. Here are my ten days luring a YAFhole, making him fall in love with me, and getting him to break up with me.
Day 2 So he’s
asked you on a date...time to bring out the big guns (no room for gun control here). Take time to do some research on his favorite groups to opress. Forgo your feelings of control over your womanly body. Practice designing offensive but admittedly clever posters, especially those that use slurs or appropriate more sophisticated movements. Bring these practices to the dinner conversation, and you’re set! But remember, let him think he’s indoctrinating you. It will boost his confidence and make him want you even more!
Days 3,4,5 Day 1 Strap in, folks! It is important to understand from the start that despite every tendency your liberal snowflake self may be to believe everyone is unique, the truth about YAFholes is that they only come in so many models. To eventually break his heart, you must first have it. I watched four straight hours of Tomi Lahren and headed to my nearest town hall. I sat next to him, mirroring his smug look, as another of his YAFhole friends berated the speaker about his first amendment right to make fun of people. He leaned over and asked if I could believe this. I had him at “hell no!”
These next few days make take years off your liberal life. This is the hard work, the not-so-fun stuff. You’ve got to endure a lot of mansplaining and gesticulating. Try not to bite your tongue so hard it falls down your throat. You have to be charming, submissive, and positively adamant about Donald Trump’s success in the White House. If Colin Kaepernick isn’t America’s worst enemy, you’re doing it wrong.
Day 6 Time to
make things fun again! He’s feeling comfortable around you, perhaps even thinking he’s finally
of what appears to be the solution to mold-infested dorm rooms. If the beta program proves successful, students will see an increase in room and board fees, due to the continuous access to air conditioning. Now you, faithful reader, may be wondering:
What happens when the igloos melt? We were wondering the same thing. Associate Director of RFYP, Allison Schofield refused to comment on this evident issue. Could we be living in a real life Club Penguin in the near future? We will just have to wait and see.
B y N atalie O rga C ontributing W riter Everyone loves Regina from Servo. But how much love is too much? Last week, a student reported seeing candlelight emanating from a classroom in Glatfelter Lodge. Upon further inspection, the student, who wishes to remain anonymous, found that a fire was blazing inside, and a circle of about a dozen prancing students had formed around it. The students, none of whom could be identified due to the darkness of the lodge, were dancing and singing, gallivanting joyously. They were singing praises to Regina, and in the center of their circle, a photo of Regina sat like an idol upon an old Servo tray. Frightened, the eyewitness fled the scene.
Could this be a cult worshipping Regina? When asked about it, students around campus responded enthusiastically to the idea. “I would join a Regina cult!” burst one. “Hell yeah!” Exclaimed another. This raises a profound question. Is it wrong to partake in such actions? If we all love Regina enough to sing her songs of admiration (which, I’m pretty sure I speak for all of us when I say that we do), should Regina-centric cults be quashed, or should they be celebrated? The College is attempting to answer this question. For now, it is recommended that you keep your eyes peeled for signs of cult activity. Whether you partake in it or steer clear, however, is up to you.
found the one. The move is simple, but it will start a spiral. Just as he’s getting to the middle of his flagrant rant at the dinner table and the entire restaurant has noticed, interrupt him. Interrupt him and say something vague like “I don’t really know that that’s true, though.” You have made two very important moves here. You insulted him by speaking out of turn, and you have subtly questioned his authority on a topic. Quickly let it go, let him continue. He will be flustered for a bit. You’ve planted the seed.
just like the day you met him.
“Library Prime”
Day 7 D e s
Day 10 Casually share
Lose aMusselman i n t r o d u c e s 10 Days
p i t e yesterday’s little hiccup, he’s thinking it’s time to introduce you to his friends. He asks you to attend tomorrow’s YAF meeting with him. You blush, so flattered that he wants to take this step. He knows any issues you’re having will be resolved after you meet the only other people he spends time with!
Day 8 You’re
in the thick of the meeting. His friends, who seem skeptical of you already, are arguing over which pro-life poster is best. This is when you drop the ball: “Are we really pro-life if we don’t support things like Black Lives Matter or gun control?” The room goes silent. Your YAFhole is mortified. Smile smugly,
Day 9 Text him
and tell him you want to talk. He’s probably still wounded from your embarrassing outburst yesterday, but he is more confused than anything else. You get in a little argument over text, but tell him that you think you can make it work despite your differences. He challenges you as a strong woman, and that’s what you love most about him. He’s feeling smothered.
a link on Facebook in support of DREAMers. He will quickly text you to say it’s over, not having the social skills or respect to tell you in person. Reply with a quote from your favorite intersectional feminist. Ask him why he’s behaving like a sensitive snowflake. Then delete his number.
B y M usselman L ibrary Starting on April 1, 2018, Musselman Library will be offering students an elite research subscription service: Library Prime. For a low rate of $19.81 per month, Library Prime members will receive longer checkout periods, expedited interlibrary loan deliveries, and priority use of library computers. No more waiting in long lines at the printers before class – Library Prime moves your print jobs to the front of the queue! Subscribers can also have library staff pull their desired books off the shelves for them, and for a nominal extra fee, someone will read the content to them. Library Prime members will have exclusive use of new
“library campsites” – special study spaces with all the office supplies and necessities that make studying as painless as possible. Need hot chocolate, coffee, or tea in the middle of the day? Then subscribe to Library Prime! Members will have unlimited access to the library’s coffee cart. There’s more! The first FIVE students who subscribe to Library Prime for a full year will be awarded their own personal librarian. The personal librarian will offer aroundthe-clock research services, citation checks and study snacks! To sign up, stop by the Research Help Desk and ask for Library Prime service today!
Day 11 Have a glass of
wine, write a scathing article, prepare to make some enemies, and reflect on the one ironic thing you learned from your time with the YAFhole: freedom of the press is more important than people’s feelings. You can go back to knowing that isn’t necessarily true on day 12.
JMR Spotted At Chi O Mixer B y N oelle Z immerman C o -F eatures E ditor On this past Saturday night at roughly 10:37 p.m., Gettysburg College President Janet Morgan Riggs was spotted at Phi Delta Theta fraternity. JMR decided to throw it back to the days when she was a student here at Gettysburg. President Riggs had an amazing time at the Chi Omega mixer, noting that her experience being a member of the Chi O sorority has been a great part of her Gettysburg experience. She also shared with us that she discovered
her “new favorite song” which is “The Middle” by Zedd, Maren Morris, and Grey. Although she was a little nervous about dancing on the radiator, she knew that it was a staple move in order for her to have a fun night out so she did it anyway. At roughly 11:15 p.m., she went up to the DJ booth and took over the aux. After doing absolute fire on aux, President Riggs decided to wrap up her set with the classic “Take Me Home, Country Roads” by John Denver for the end of an amazing night.
GETTYLEEKS
FEATURES Page 5
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Sunday April 1, 2018
Greek community introduces D P S c o n f i r m s : innovative new “FratPass” card Fashion can be criminal
B y J amie W elch E ditor -I n -C hief A new subscription program will soon allow students to gain entry to any fraternity party simply by waving a card on a specialized reader, the Gettysburg College Interfraternity Council announced Monday. “Gone are the days of reciting a laundry list of brothers you know to the pledge at the door,” an advertisement for the new program read. “Get in on the fast track with FratPass!” The pass, which will sell for $18.32 per month, will even allow those without the proper four to one ratio of women to men to sail through the doors unobstructed. “FratPass is all about removing barriers to entry,” said IFC President Chester Franklin Devonshire III. “It is our hope that this program will allow us to build up our legal defense fund while simultaneously showing a whole new demographic of students what IFC organizations stand for.”
For an extra $1.92 per month, subscribers can upgrade to FratPass Platinum, which will afford subscribers access to an artisanal juice recipe that is prepared by brothers in small batches and served in pitchers by sommeliers donning clothes that have been laundered within the last week. This experience is in sharp contrast to the standard issue 32-gallon trash can with hockey stick stirrer that standard partygoers endure. “The extra funds raised through FratPass Platinum will go to support tutoring for our more academically challenged chapters,” Devonshire said. Devonshire said that the FratPass was inspired by a trip with his SAE brothers to Walt Disney World Orlando over Spring Break. “They have this thing called the FastPass down there, and it lets you skip the line at the top rides. I said to [the brothers], ‘wouldn’t it be lit if we had this back at the ‘Burg?’ and they
were, like, totally into it. That’s how the idea of FratPass was born,” Devonshire said. Devonshire said that because IFC expects huge sales of the FratPass, it will be harder than ever for those on the standard track to gain entry to the fraternity. “You’re going to need to know the entire roster of chapter members just to get in the door,” Devonshire said. “But if you had FratPass, you’d be through the door in mere seconds and ready to dance the night away in our sticky basements.” Devonshire said that the new program is a part of IFC’s renewed commitment to diversity, equity and inclusion. “We want to include those students that may not be cool enough to summon four women to accompany them to their favorite chapter’s basement, but are fully loaded with cash,” Devonshire said. “Where else are they gonna go, CAB events? Please.”
13 places safer than FIJI basement on a Friday night: Number 11 will shock you! B y J osh W agner O pinions E ditor
5. Donald 1. The backstreets Trump’s Cabinet of Baghdad 6. OJ Simpson’s bedroom 2. I-95 on foot at 2:00am 7. The DMZ 3. Smyser Parking Lot without a Carlisle St. parking permit 4. A pit of vipers
10. The extras’ dressing room on the Cosby Show 11. Hanson basement
between North and South Korea 12. Ron Wiafe’s office 8. An Egyptian b a l l o t a g a i n s t 13. A coastal city Sisi in 30 years 9. Putin’s stable
B y N atalie O rga C ontributing W riter This month, a ground-breaking decision was made within the Department of Public Safety regarding Gettysburg College students, and it may have dire consequences for fraternity brothers. After long discussions about morality and clothing, it has been agreed upon that the act of tucking sweatpants into socks is now an offense punishable for up to four points. This fashion atrocity will be stamped on your record permanently, if you’re not careful. Frat brothers are under fire and are concerned that they are being targeted in particular. There are even rumors circulating that Patagonia quarter-zips (especially the blue and red ones) may be next on the hit-list. Stay tuned for more information about this horrifying turn of events.
New Bullet will include craft beer option B y J amie W elch E ditor -I n -C hief
A rotating selection of craft beers will be served in the new Bullet Hole, Director of Cash Operations Mike Bishop confirmed to GettyLeeks Tuesday afternoon. Selections from Appalachian Brewing Company, Battlefield Brew Works and Goose Island will be on tap every day, and every week a new craft brewery from around the country will be on rotation, including breweries such as Dogfish Head, Brooklyn Brewing Company, Flying Dog Brewery and SweetWater Brewing Company. A 16-ounce draft will be free, with a strict limit of one beer per meal cycle. The beer is free with no purchase necessary because the college lacks the liquor license that would be required to sell the alcohol outright,
Bishop said. “We looked at the student demand for a craft beer drink option to complement our soda and juice offerings, and decided we had to find a way to make that happen in the new space,” Bishop said. “We hope that the change will make the Bullet Hole and the new College Union Building a place where students and employees alike want to spend all of their time.” When asked if serving beer all day was setting a good example for responsible drinking, Bishop responded that beer service would not begin until 11:00 a.m. on weekdays. “ W e h a v e standards obviously,” Bishop said, “and we don’t think students should be drinking all day. But, students are going to drink anyway, and we want to get in on
that market. Plus, it’s five o’clock somewhere.” Rob Schaeffer ‘20, who will be living in Apple Hall next year, said that he plans to walk over to the CUB to pick up a beer every chance he gets. “So you're telling me that I can get a free beer at 11:00 a.m., 11:30 a.m., 1:30 p.m., 3:30 p.m., 5:30 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. every day? Well, if it’s free it’s me. Six beers per day, sweet dude!” Schaeffer said. “Drink responsibly? Not really. I’m going to show up to finance absolutely wasted.” Concerns about the campus’ drinking culture notwithstanding, Bishop says that he expects the changes coming next year, including the new craft beer bar, will be great for business. “Watch out Servo, we’re coming for you!” Bishop said.
Staff Box GettyLeeks Editor-in-Chief, Jamie Welch Managing News Editor, Benjamin Pontz Associate Editor, Alex Romano Assistant News Editor, Gauri Mangala Arts & Entertainment Editor, Katherine Lentz
Co-Features Editors, Noelle Zimmerman & Gauri Mangala Opinions Editor, Josh Wagner Co-Sports Editors, Claire Healey & Elizabeth Hilfrank Lead Copyeditor, Morgan Hubbard
Copyeditors, Lauren Hand, Nora Tidey, Sidney Caccioppoli, Maddie Neiman, Jessica Greenman, & Shannon Zeltmann Director of Photography, Claire Bickers Advisors, Jim Duffy & Jack Ryan To join our staff, visit http:// tinyurl.com/gettysburgian
GETTYLEEKS
Page 6
A&E ♦
Sunday April 1, 2018
F e a t u r e d f i l m s i n Capturing ghostly music at Gettysburg college Gettysburg Majestic Theater “The Party” 1 hour, 11 minutes – R Janet hosts a dinner party to celebrate her new promotion, but once her guests arrive and secrets surface, it becomes clear that not everything is going to go down as smoothly as the red wine. Starring Patricia Clarkson, Bruno Ganz, and Cherry Jones.
Friday - Saturday (3/30 - 3/31) - 4:15 PM and 7:15 PM Monday - Thursday (4/2 - 4/5) - 4:15 PM and 7:15 PM
“In the Fade” 1 hour, 46 minutes – R Katja’s life collapses after the death of her husband and son in a bomb attack. After a time of mourning and injustice, Katja seeks revenge. Friday - Saturday (3/30 - 3/31) - 4:00 PM and 7:00 PM Monday - Thursday (4/2 - 4/5) - 4:00 PM and 7:00 PM
Gateway Theater FRIDAY MARCH 23RD THRU TUESDAY MARCH 27TH **NO SHOWS AFTER 8PM MONDAY THRU THURSDAY** **BARGAIN TUESDAYS – ALL SEATS $5 – ADDITIONAL FEE FOR 3D** READY PLAYER ONE 2D (1:00) 7:00
PG-13 NO PASSES
READY PLAYER ONE 3D (4:00) 10:00
PG-13 NO PASSES
GOD’S NOT DEAD: A LIGHT IN DARKNESS (1:25) (4:25) 7:30 9:55
PG
PACIFIC RIM UPRISING 2D (1:15) (4:15) 7:15 9:50
PG-13
NO PASSES
SHERLOCK GNOMES PG (1:45) (4:45) 7:20 9:35 PAUL, APOSTLE OF CHRIST (1:20) (4:20) 7:25 9:55
PG-13
I CAN ONLY IMAGINE (1:35) (4:35) 7:10 9:45
PG
TOMB RAIDER PG-13 (1:05) (4:05) 7:05 9:45 BLACK PANTHER PG-13 (1:10) (4:10) 7:10 10:00
Sunderman Strings win heart of rabbit, set to open for Sammy Adams B y A lex P earson S taff W riter “Step right on up, folks. Come on up to the podium,” came the voice of the announcer. The crowd of participants and spectators shuffled forward. Earlier last week was a surprise announcement by the Sunderman Conservatory that student groups could have an opportunity to open for Sammy Adams at Spring Fest if they could successfully complete a secret task. The crowd was full of talented students, all of whom were anxiously waiting for the event to begin. One singer could be heard humming scales under her breath. The Sunderman Strings could be heard discussing their set list and tuning. A flautist nervously ran his fingers over his instrument, smiling gently. “Okay folks,” called the speaker at the podium. “Here is what we are going to do: there is a black magician hat sitting on stage. Whoever’s music entices the Easter Bunny out of the black magician hat gets to perform at Springfest.” The challenge incited most musicians to begin practicing with renewed fervor, but other musicians allowed
themselves a moment of relief. “This will be easy,” scoffed one singer. The commentator heard her and chuckled. “Don’t be so sure,” he reprimanded her. “You never know how tricky Easter Bunnies can be.” The singer crossed her arms and tossed her hair. “Whatever,” she muttered, before being asked to perform first. She strutted to the stage and began singing an aria that would have human audiences on their feet. However, the black magician’s hat began to shake uncontrollably and a plaintive cry emitted from the depths. The commentator ushered the singer off of the stage and raced over to the hat. He mumbled soothing words to the frightened creature within and set the hat back further on stage. He nervously flattened his hair and turned back toward the waiting musicians. “Who’s next?” he asked. The flautist raised a trembling hand. “Excellent,” announced the commentator. “Come on up.” The flautist tiptoed on stage and began a pianissimo piece, that was sweet and melodic. When he was finished, the audience clapped and he bowed, but the rabbit did not
make an appearance. The commentator tiptoed over to the hat and peered inside. “The Easter Bunny is sleeping,” he stagewhispered. The man was clearly distressed at the dwindling prospects, but the Sunderman Strings grinned at each other and asked if they could go next. The commentator ushered them onto the stage and wished them a fervent good luck. The members huddled together and whispered briefly in each others’ ears. They beamed as they readied their instruments. Sunderman Strings played a rousing version of ‘Here Comes Peter Cottontail’ and got feet stomping and hands clapping and cheers going. It was exciting! The rabbit appeared to be of the same opinion because the hat began to wriggle. There was a set of ears with a hat set jauntily upon it. There was a little pink nose, snuffling in curiosity. And then the Easter Bunny jumped out of the hat and began to hop alon g t o ‘ H e r e Comes Peter Cottontail.’ The commentator threw up his hands and announced, “We have a winner! Sunderman Strings will be opening for Sammy Adams at Springfest!”
(Photo Katherine Lentz/The B y C harlie S ternberg S taff W riter It’s a cold December night in 1988. The marquis on majestic theater reads “Twins” and Bon Jovi is playing on the radios in dorm rooms across Gettysburg College. Most students are partying, but Christopher Kelly has snuck out by the light of the full moon to head toward the battlefield alone, armed with just a tape recorder, a case of instruments, and his own acoustic guitar. Once he reaches the old Presbyterian graveyard, he lights a candle and starts to tune his guitar, plucking one string at a time. He places various instruments around him in a circle, so that spirits may enter them and play through them. Tonight Kelly will m a k e p a r a n o r m a l music history with the legendary ghost tapes. You won’t find any mention of a Christopher Kelly or his ghost tapes in books about Gettysburg, but this enigmatic figure is a legend among those in the paranormal music field. Kelly is unique in that he didn’t just record the sounds and songs of ghosts in the area, he actively collaborated with dead musicians to create incredible music. For decades, his recordings have been a holy grail for ghost hunters and music fans alike. Most copies of his songs were lost or
Gettysburgian) destroyed, but when residents from Hanson Hall were recently displaced, a collection of his cassettes were discovered hidden in the ceiling, still in pristine condition. When I heard that the tapes were taken to Special Collections, I just had to get my hands on them. Special Collections generously allowed me exclusive access to these tapes so that I could hear them and give my expert appraisal of their authenticity. Immediately upon rewinding the first tape I was humbled by the realization that I was the first living person to hear these songs in about thirty years. There was also the exciting possibility that the tapes would reveal a clue as to the whereabouts of Kelly, who mysteriously disappeared soon after the making of these recordings. The content on the tapes is otherworldly. Kelly’s voice is almost entirely absent from the cassette except for a brief introduction at the start of the tape, in which he can be heard having a one-sided conversation with someone else, presumably a phantom, who can’t be heard. The music starts with a thin whistle and then the sound of a drum being hit. Chimes are rustled, creating an ethereal hum, which slowly builds into a boisterous silence-
shattering cacophony. Kelly adds a little improvised flourish on the guitar and the whistle responds with a jovial octave jump. There aren’t any distinguished breaks between songs, rather the music flows naturally from one musical idea to another without pausing. I was struck by the clear distinctness of certain musician’s voices. For example, the varying tones of the flute could not have all been the same flute player. Instead, it sounds as if multiple musicians are taking turns on the instrument. Eventually, the sounds die down as if everyone has retired for the evening, and the music finishes just as it began: with a whistle of the wind. I can attest that this tape is authentic and it may even be the best preserved artifact of Kelly’s work in existence. Once the paranormal community at large gets their hands on this important piece of Gettysburg hist ory, our perception of what music from beyond the grave is will never be the same. There are even rumors that a local record label wants to buy the rights to this music and distribute it to the world. Christopher Kelly, if he’s still out there, is about to become one of the biggest paranormal celebrities Pennsylvania has ever seen.
B y J ackie M c M ahon S taff W riter In a shocking turn of events, the popular streaming service Netflix has annou nced that it will be pulling the plug on many of its beloved original programming, including popular shows like Stranger Things, The Crown, House of Cards, and Orange is the New Black, in order to revamp the company’s image. “It’s a new era for Netflix, and right now we really want to focus on what we think is the future of this company.” Netflix executives explained in an official statement. “While people may be unhappy with this decision right now, eventually they’ll see that we’re giving them things they didn’t even know they needed – like ten more seasons of Iron Fist.”
T h e aforementioned superhero show currently has an impressive score of 18% on Rotten Tomatoes. This surprising decision comes on the heels of controversy for Netflix, following the reveal that The Crown’s Claire Foy was actually paid less than her costar Matt Smith, despite the fact that she is the central character of the show. “It’s just become a liability,” the Netflix statement explained about the show’s cancellation. “When women start demanding things like the money they deserve, that’s really crossing a line. Everyone knows that men should get paid more for doing half as much!” Now, Netflix plans to create even more original programming with media juggernaut Marvel Comics, in
hopes of riding the wave of Black Pantherinduced hype without actually having to come up with good ideas. “We’re going to be creating great original programming about superheroes that have been ignored by the media for far too long.” Netflix says. “3-D Man, Bird Brain, Asbestos Lady… these are the unsung heroes of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.” Netflix refused to answer when asked if Asbestos Lady would be paid the same as her male counterparts. Only time will tell if this decision works in Netflix’s favor, though there is a possibility that subscribers may be jumping ship for Hulu or Amazon very soon. After all, viewers can only stand a white protagonist doing a poor rendition of martial arts for so long.
Netflix to cancel ‘Stranger Things,’ ‘OITNB,’ and other orginals to update company image
GETTYLEEKS
OPINIONS Page 7
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Sunday April 1, 2018
Note: The opinions published in this section are those of the individual writers and are in no way representative of the views of GettyLeeks staff, GettyLeeks or Gettysburg College.
Hanson A failed By Joshua Wagner Opinions Editor THE ISSUE: While college administrators initially reassured students that the Hanson mold had been contained and remediated by trained professionals shortly after discovery, GettysLeeks has obtained classified information that indicate that the mold situation was much more dire than previously thought. Since receiving intel on March 15th, GettyLeeks muckraking s quad has deployed all of its agents and devoted its full resources to confirming these reports. Our team of highly trained professionals, who are currently working towards their bachelors’ degrees, have uncovered the largest scandal and attempted cover up in campus history. As shown through these documents, the Hanson mold has actually spread throughout the entire campus. While it will only take several weeks to remediate the academic buildings and residence halls, it is expected to take much longer to treat the administrators themselves. Yes, the pernicious Hanson fungus has infected the better part of the workers within Pennsylvania Hall and the College Union Building. After infecting its host, the mold infiltrates the the host’s hypothalamus, occipital lobe, and parietal lobe. With power over these parts of the brain, the mold causes hypersensitivity to bright lights, cold conditions, and dry skin. These stimuli cause the host to create a dark, warm, and moist environment in which the mold thrives. Consequentially, the college has issued warnings that “if the air feels hot and heavy,” students should search for the quickest route of egress to avoid infection. Incidentally, this advice has caused a tremendous drop in the hookup culture on campus. Any and all people infected are currently being
f u n g u s : Adams retires and c o v e r - u p Buffet takes center stage
quarantined in the Field House where they are being treated liberally with salt packets and Tylenol by the Health Center staff. Additionally, facilities staff have been deployed across campus to collect and destroy all articles that could possibly be infected. However, YAF and YAL members argue that this intrusive searching and seizing of belongings infringes on students’ Fourth Amendment Rights. Signs of infection were reported to the college months in advance, but the reports were summarily shrink wrapped, buried on Musselman Beach, dug up, flown to Nicaragua, tossed into an inactive volcano, retrieved, and eventually lost somewhere off the coast of Mali. Meanwhile, electronic copies were secured by the infamous whistleblowers at GettyLeeks. OUR OPINION: The Opinions Staff of GettyLeeks condemn the inexcusable institutional failings that have been exposed by this catastrophe. Gettysburg College has proved its ineptitude in one of the most basic functions of a college. Any institution worth its tuition should be able to hide a scandal. Why does Gettysburg continually fail us in this respect? If the college continues to expose its faults, then we have no other option but to pay to fix them. There is a simple solution: stop looking for problems! Why do we test for air quality? Stop that! It only causes expense and headaches. Mass notifications about health concerns? Quit telling us these things. A tree’s about to fall onto Glatfelter Hall? Don’t email us about it - let it fall! If it demolishes the building, then we have one less building to maintain, plus, we didn’t have to hire someone to cut it down. We have established that problems are better ignored, forgotten, or
unfound. But what about the issues that are thrust upon the college by students and staff? In my personal life, I find that most problems summarily go away if they are placed into a special file, which is weekly emptied into a much larger file holder, which in turn is emptied by a garbologist and then sent dump-ward bound. Composting memos and complaints works well too for those environmentally minded among us. This is where the college went wrong. As Abraham Lincoln once said: “If you can’t shred it, it’s not safe from hackers.” Too much is done online nowadays. If we want to stay secured, then any and all complaints should be handled through the previously mentioned three step filing method with honest to goodness paper. Leaving documents on the inter-cloud-web-net is bad business. Administrators practically handed the reports to GettyLeeks by having online forms for fast and immediate response. What about our reputation? Do you want Gettysburg to be known as the place with moldy residence halls or the college with a quarantined gym? The college has shown great strength in the past in this arena. Just consider all of the systemic problems that occur on campus that no one mentions. Consider that some students’ annual disposable income is the same value as the average fraternity brother’s Vineyard Vines t-shirt collection. No one publizes that, or the fact that Gettysburg College is whiter and richer than a vanilla milkshake with extra cream. Perhaps, the golden days of clandestine administration are behind us, but in the meantime we can all relax while simultaneously complaining about tuition and what more we want from the college.
By Andrew Knight Columnist Recently the rapper S a m m y A d a m s announced his intention to retire from his music career in order to pursue a lifelong dream to be the first man to land on Mars. While many have been quick to jump to Adams’ support and encouraging him in this new venture, his abrupt decision to retire from music has put Gettysburg College in a tight spot. With Springfest quickly approaching and no headlining artist to perform, the Board of Trustees called an emergency meeting last night to find a replacement. While no official announcements have been made, anonymous sources within the Board have indicated that the College has managed to book a true music legend, none other then the great Jimmy Buffet and the Coral Reefer Band to play Springfest 2018. How the College managed to book such a big name artist on such short notice has been the subject of rampant speculation since the news first broke early this morning. One leading theory is that the College
There, after and undisclosed number of drinks, Senate President Luke Charles Frigon pitched the idea of a benefit concert. The Board quickly agreed to the idea but instead of the rumor that Buffet would be allowed to choose the charity, the proceeds from the concert will go to getting the fraternity Alpha Chi Rho (Crow) their house back. It is unclear how much money would need to be raised to get Crow their house back. It also remains unclear what would happen to RISE House should Crow be allowed to move back in. All of these questions remain to be answered. The Gettysburgian reached out to the College President’s Office for comment but has not heard back. When asked to comment, a spokesman for Jimmy Buffet responded only that “this is gonna be one hell of a show.” Details on how exactly the college managed to get Buffet and the precise terms of the contract will likely emerge over the next few days. One thing that is clear is that Buffet was promised an unlimited supply of margaritas while in Gettysburg.
The Servo Manifesto By Zachary Sobeck The Right Honorable Lord P aramount Z achary M i chael of the
H ouse
of
Most Noble
S obeck W hose
Venerable Words Enumerated
R ead , “W e D o N ot
S hill ”, T he F irst
of
H is
Most Righteous Name, The L ord
of
H ougun M anor ,
Estate of Cumbria England of
H er M ajesty ’ s U nited
Kingdom and
of
Great Britain
Northern Ireland, The
R ight H onorable G rand L o r d -M a y o r
of
Paxton
Hall by the Right of Paramount
Photo courtesy of Gettysburg College
has resorted to auctioning off Pennsylvania Hall in order to raise money to pay Buffet. When asked where the money came from one anonymous source simply responded “applesauce bruh, there’s always money in the applesauce.” Another source indicated that the college has discovered long lost Confederate gold buried beneath campus and plans to trade it to Buffet by labeling it as “pirate gold.” Some sources are indicating that Mr. Buffet was told that proceeds from the concert were going to benefit a charity of Buffet’s choice and agreed to play the concert for free. Most of these theories seem to be wild conjecture. One high level source with knowledge of the talks has leaked that the plan is far more complex. The College did initially plan to auction Pennsylvania Hall; however, due to the historical status of the building the College was not legally allowed to put it up for auction. Discouraged, the Board voted to move the meeting location from the Board Room in Pennsylvania Hall to the Flying Bull Saloon.
Titular Supremacy.
A specter is haunting Gettysburg College, the specter of organized labor. All the old powers of Gettysburg College have joined in an unholy alliance to exorcise this specter. By the collectivization of bargaining, Dining Service staff shall facilitate the amelioration of their position. They shall stand up to the corrupt and
decadent administration by joining together in a labor union. I can think of no one better to serve as the President of this organization than Regina. Her forceful hand will guide the righteous cause of justice. The righteousness of their cause shall be laid bare before the feet of the bourgeoisie in their ivory tower. From the halls of Servo through the kitchens of Bullet, a single voice shall ring with the clarity of thousand bells shaking the ivory tower to its very foundation. When the demands of the proletariat are read aloud, the bourgeoisie will quiver in their collective bejeweled boots, made of the finest leather and purchased through the exploitation of the virtuous and noble working men and women. For years the dining staff, called “casual staff” by the administration, have worked tirelessly to ensure the whole of Gettysburg College is fed. How many prospective students have made their decision within the walls of Servo while enjoying the bechocolated
pastries concocted by the culinary masters, which they call “casual staff”? How much has the College earned from the Siren call of Servo’s nectar and ambrosia? Like mana from Heaven, the food of the gods is prepared daily by the exquisite hands of these unfortunately ununionized men and women. The revelries of the elite are served by the mighty hands of the proletariat. I have no doubt that Union President Regina shall steer the mighty vessel of collective advancement through the figurative Strait of Messina, where Scylla (the administration), and Charybdis (the bloated bureaucracy) lie on either side, waiting to obstruct their glorious path. Now as in the days of yore, these ennobled working men and women shall throw off their oppression by forming a holy alliance of friendship and labor. Workers of Servo Unite! Seize the means of food production! For you have a world to win!
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GETTYLEEKS
SPORTS
Page 8
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Sunday April 1, 2018
basketball reaches Final Four Bullet Men’s Shot: Bullets beat Duke to continue March Madness run Athlete of the Week
Mother Nature B y C laire H ealey C o -S ports E ditor This week’s Gettysburg College Athlete of the Week goes to Mother Nature and her super consistent weather patterns. Before spring break, athletics teams were able to practice outside and enjoy some sunshine and warm weather. Most notably, there was a day in February of 80-degree weather, which was perfect to kick off the spring sports. Following the campus community’s return to school after spring break, Mother Nature decided to switch things up with a quick blizzard. The first day of spring was marked by a little footand-a-half of snow. Gettysburg College obviously cancelled classes to keep students from having to walk to class in the dangerous conditions, and most athletic events were postponed. Men’s and women’s tennis, golf, baseball, softball, and women’s lacrosse all had games postponed thanks to Mother Nature. To make the weather even better, the days following last week’s blizzard were above freezing temperatures. This created a lovely mud all across campus and around athletic fields. While students were hoping for warmer weather to dry up the mud and kick off spring weather, Mother Nature decided that a few rainy days as well as temperatures in the 40s would be the perfect way to celebrate the beginning of spring. More athletics teams were forced to cancel games and matches, as well as practice indoors. The Gettysburg teams are feeling good about their training following the many cancellations and indoor practices. The perfect spring weather and lack of sports to report is why Mother Nature is this week’s athlete of the week!
By Brody Tennant Staff Writer The Gettysburg College men’s basketball team punched their ticket into the Final Four this weekend with a win over Duke University. The win, coming from an astonishing score of 114-35, proved to the basketball world that Gettysburg College hoops have arrived and don’t plan on leaving anytime soon. “They really just whooped us. Now I know that I am the winningest Division I coach ever of all time, but these Bullets really just know how to play basketball,” said Coach Krzyzewski of the Gettysburg basketball team. Gettysburg shot very well en-route to their incredible win, making a total percentage of 78.9% of their shots. They were able to put in 27 of 35 shots inside the arc, and 18 of their 22 three pointers. This would break the Division I record of 76.2% held by Vanderbilt. Duke was a heavy favorite coming into this Elite 8 matchup. Being a second seed, they were favored most of the way through the tournament. Gettysburg, however, had a different idea. After beating Dickinson’s Intramural basketball team in the playoff game, they became the first 18 seed to ever make the NCAA tournament. On their way to the Final Four, they beat BC Prienai, Troy Bolton’s East High Wildcats, and Kansas.
Sophomore Nick Lord had 10 points in Gettysburg’s win Athletics) While the team While excelling a s a w h o l e h a s b e e n in the classroom, Marshall performing phenomenally h a s a l s o e x c e l l e d o n a l l t h r o u g h o u t t h e the court. During the t o u r n a m e n t , t h e t r u e tournament alone, he has beacon of inspiration has averaged 24.6 points per come from the freshman game, 12.7 rebounds per p h e n o m Q u a v i o u s game, and 10.5 assists per Marshall. game. His performance B e t t e r k n o w n alone has given the Bullets b y h i s r a p p e r n a m e , a lot of steam as they “Quavo,” Marshall came head closer to the National t o G e t t y s b u r g s h o r t l y Championship. before the beginning of The tournament the season. After dropping so far has been fairly easy out of high school shortly for the Bullets, but the b e f o r e g r a d u a t i o n , matchup with Duke was Marshall decided that he the toughest test they have wanted to go back and had thus far. First-year finish earning a proper Marvin Bagley III was e d u c a t i o n . O n c e h e the lead scorer for the earned his GED, Marshall Blue Devils, putting up enrolled at Gettysburg 23 total points. Senior College as a physics major Grayson Allen was the with minors in biology and t e a m ’ s s e c o n d l e a d i n g philosophy. scorer with 5 points.
over Duke (Photo David Sinclair/Gettysburg College However, before Allen could get his game going, he was ejected only 12 minutes into the first half for tripping several people, including 8 Gettysburg basketball players, 3 Duke players, Duke’s mascot, 15 people that were walking to the bathroom, Gettysburg’s head coach George Petrie and finally, himself. We attempted to interview him after the game, but he tripped our reporter on his way off the court. While this game was a tough one for Gettysburg, their toughest games lie ahead. Many experts have considered this Final Four to be the toughest and most talented collection of teams in the history of the tournament.
Along with the Bullets, the other three teams to make it this far are 11 seed LoyolaChicago, the legendary Tune Squad, and the Fernfield Timberwolves, led by Wooden Award finalist Buddy “Air Bud.” W h i l e interviewing with Dicky V, Buddy said about their matchup with Gettysburg, “Woof woof, bark bark, grrrrr,” before he got distracted by a squirrel and took off before finshing his interview. The Bullets look to continue their success this Saturday in the Alamodome in San Antonio at 6 p.m. against the Timberwolves for their shot at the national title.
Women’s tennis beats Johns Hopkins
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Co-Sports Editor The Gettysburg College women’s tennis team had an outstanding week last week, dominating the Centennial Conference in Wii tennis. Following a report on multiple sustained concussions by women’s tennis players this season, the conference decided it would be best to eliminate actual tennis balls from the game. Their first idea was to have the players use the plush balls from elementary school gym class. However, senior captain Emily Lutz suffered a concussion when
threw her racket across the net. The conference realized that their first plan would not be comprehensive enough to eliminate the possibility for injuries by their tennis players. So, they began asking the colleges that make up the Centennial Conference to suggest ideas for competition. Swarthmore coach Jeremy Loomis suggested the players battle it out with their minds by competing in a math competition. The Franklin and Marshall coach was not a huge fan of this idea as he is prone to paper cuts. He then suggested
tennis net somewhere to create a safer environment for the game. He said they could just bounce on a trampoline and play at the same time to really test who is the best in the conference. In the end, it was Gettysburg College’s Ali Flores who suggested Wii tennis. It was the perfect solution in that the athletes could still use their tennis skills, but there would be no fear of injury. F o l l o w i n g the switch to Wii, the Gettysburg women’s team really found their stride as a team. Under the guidance of their three senior captains, the team began practicing
Gettysburg women’s tesnnis beat Johns Hopkins in thier first Wii style match of the season (Photo courtesy of Gettysburg College Athletics)
This Weekend in Gettysburg College Sports Friday, March 30: Baseball at Home for Dinner - 6p.m. Softball vs. Chicago White Sox - 6p.m. Saturday, March 31: Men’s Lacrosse at Brazil - 10a.m. Women’s Lacrosse vs. Gettysburg Under-10 League - 2p.m. Sunday, April 1: Women’s Track vs. Easter Bunny - 6a.m. Men’s Track vs. Easter Bunny - 6a.m. Women’s Golf vs. Tiger Woods - 5p.m. Men’s Golf at Mountain Mist Mini Golf - 3p.m. Come support men’s basketball against the Timberwolves in the Final Four!!!
perfect their Wii strategy. Senior captain Erica Paul had been a big Wii player when she was younger, which gave her a competitive advantage over her teammates. Coach Flores decided to put her in at number one singles. The rest of the Gettysburg lineup for their first Wii match against Johns Hopkins was decided based on challenge Wii matches between team members. Paul would play Kashyap in first position, while junior Maria Martinovic would play Strickland at second, and senior captain Erin Sweeny would play Asokumar at third. The race for fourth, fifth, and sixth was a little more difficult for Coach Flores to determine as the rest of her team all had the potential to win a match. In the end she chose firstyear Amanda Vinges to compete against Gauch at fourth. In fifth was Lutz against Simon and finally sophomore Caroline Feustel against Gerke. The Gettysburg team was feeling strong going into their first Wii match, despite Johns Hopkins history of being dominant in the Centennial Conference in women’s tennis. As the matches got started, Paul got out to a quick lead over her opponent and was able to put her away in less than 20 minutes. She did not drop a
match for the Bullets. Martinovic looked less certain in the first few minutes of her match. Gettysburg knew that if they dropped the match at number two they might have a difficult time coming back. Martinovic and Strickland were going shot for shot until Martinovic hit a heroic winner in the final set. The Bullets were feeling good about their momentum and when Sweeney easily put Asokumar away, they just needed one more individual win to secure their team victory. Things took a brief turn for the worst for Gettsyburg when Vinges was tripped by her opponent during a particularly physical Wii match. Vinges hit the floor of the gym hard and immediately grabbed her ankle in pain. After having to concede the number four match to Johns Hopkins, the Bullets needed either Lutz or Feustel to come away with a win. For technological reasons, the Bullets and Johns Hopkins decided to have the number six match play first. This was a good choice for Gettysburg as in the end, Feustel clinched an individual victory as well as the team win. Gettysburg will look to continue this Wii success this weekend against Ursinus at home beginning at 10AM.
Mother Nature hasn’t decided the rest of the spring sports schedule yet