The Falling Leaf Review, October 2016

Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

The Falling Leaf Review A Monthly Literary Review


The Falling Leaf Review

Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

THE FALLING LEAF REVIEW Copyright (c) 2016 Jay Victor Ruvolo Publishing Editor, Jay Victor Ruvolo All Text by JVR

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Table of Contents HERA’S TIT; or, THE SOUL OF GENIUS

4

AMBULATORY MEMORY

38

HOLY TRINITY

44

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HERA’S TIT; OR, THE SOUL OF GENIUS

September 22, 2016

round with me, my writing, what I write, how I write it, where it ends up, I end up, which end is up? Not always where or when I had intended to end up.

Another time recorded,

PART ONE: HERA’S TIT

syllables and church bells. I ask and ask for whom they are tolling . . .

Preface

when I first headed out on the page, the flat page that belies its

How to say what I have tried to say while getting sidetracked into saying so much else other than what I had initially intended to say, so much so that the title of this piece had to be

multidimensionality…I go, I come, I end up—I up-end what?

I

Nostalgia

revised to include, or point to, what had become the bulk of what I

Tarkovsky was a man. Tarkovsky was

eventually did say, that is, what I had

a Russian man. Tarkovsky was a film

to say—to have to say or not to have

director. Tarkovsky was a Russian

to say—I do repeat myself often.

film director, an auteur. Tarkovsky

What did I have to say, having

was an event in the history of film.

said what I have said herein? Another

His films were the reverberations, the

question posed to impose, no more

after shocks of this seismic event.

answers. So, now what? This could

Tarkovsky made some of the

be the question that segues another

most beautiful films. I know this and

sequence . . . the only thing now to

other things about him, know why he

say is what I am saying, all of this

is great, know why he is significant,

around and around on this merry-go-

know why his films are beautiful—I

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know why his films are genius—he is

another or another of our received

a genius.

ideas from whatever angle of

Because I know why he is

approach you might be coming at

great, it pains me to say I do not like

whatever topic is the axis of

him; and it might be him more than

discussion.

his films—how could it be him? I do

Tarkovsky is pretentious in spite

not ask, did not ask, will not. How

of being as great as he is, and this is

could it be personal? I do hate when

because he is pretentious, not

rebuttals are offered in a particularly

because he is Russian . . . and yes, I

reductionist manner: Oh, you just

do say that there is a particular way

don't understand Russian life; or, You

he is pretentious that is familiar to me

cannot understand the Russian soul.

from my contact with so many

Those comments are absurd--as if

Russians--or Russian speakers,

you needed to be American to

when they are not ethnically

understand Whitman, and if you were

Russian--here in New York City, so

not American, Whitman would be

maybe some of what I find offensive

incomprehensible and pretentious

about how pretentious he is is in the

and cliche . . . no, not true. Kurosawa

way he is Russian, unavoidably

probably got Shakespeare better

Russian, and that means in a way

than many Brits, and even Brits who

that is unavoidably Soviet, which may

teach him at Oxford, which is not to

or may not signal one thing or

say that you do need or should need

another and another, all of them

a university degree to get

again in petty paces creeping up and

Shakespeare, or that if you

down the cortex, what I have been

have one, you must certainly be

taught to think, to say. I imagine that

separate from an organic

the same would be true about

understanding because that would

Americans or Italians for someone

equally untrue.

from outside whatever context of

Please do not

mistake what I am saying for one or The Falling Leaf Review

observation one imagined he was 5

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observing from within . . . what do we

because this role is laid out for them

see, what is it we do when we look,

to play, and also because freedom is

to look, you could say in French

not what it used to be, not in how we

regarder, thus, I look would be je

package it, sell it, buy it, manipulate

regarde, which by turn of morphology

the idea in the media to meet the

would be like saying I keep again; to

ends of power and money in this

keep in French is garder. To watch

totalitarian bourgeois capitalist

the same as to look, regarder, to

society, a society as totalitarian

keep again; but then to watch is to

capitalist as Tarkovsky’s was

guard, is it not? They reciprocate, do

Totalitarian Bourgeois Communist,

they not? Yes, my soul to keep we

and do not blink and pretend you do

asked as children of God, now I lay

not understand what I am saying. I

me down to sleep; I pray the Lord my

love Tarkovsky’s films, but I still find

soul to keep . . . Guard me from

him pretentious in the way a guy I

harm, Oh Lord? Watch over me, Lord

knew used to find Fellini pretentious,

—protect my soul, keep me safe, Oh

but then maybe we are just both

God. In English, traditionally, jails

talking out of our asses . . . and you

were also called keeps, yes, a keep

have to be able to see that our

was a jail, which comes from gaol, a

mouths and our anuses are

word that comes to us from the

connected in an unbroken link. It is

French. To guard, to watch, to keep,

impossible not to talk shit or speak

to protect, to hold, to have, to save?

straight out of our asses, one end or

What then do we say we are saying

the other mutually collaborative in

when we say what we do how we do

their expression. Some people do

where we do to whom we do?

speak no better than they flatulate.

Maybe great Russian artists are

I do hope when I finish the film I

not among the teeming masses of

am working on now, critics of that film

Russian speakers I meet in New York

will be kinder than I have been here,

pretending they yearn to be free--

and I am not saying that I have been

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unkind . . . but I cannot help but think

neither side's paranoia was really

that Tarkovsky's use of tracking is

paranoia.

pretentious—is pretentious the word?

Tarkovsky's reputation is what it

It is redundant, and because of this

is because we endure pretensions

redundancy, yes, even trite. How can

from Russians, and we endure

someone who makes such beautiful

pretensions from Russians because

films use tracking in such an

we misunderstand what Russians

annoying manner—and do not tell me

are--and in this, even great Russian

I do not understand what he is trying

artists misunderstand themselves

to do. I know there are those who are

and live up to the stereotypes

not fans of Hitchcock, and maybe I

western elite criticism maintains--and

would have to love film too much to

elite criticism has its stereotypes.

love film enough, which would be to

I do not want to reduce great

love Tarkovsky enough, which would

Russian art and artists, but only

be to settle down and accept his

assess an infection in our thinking

fucking annoying overuse of tracking.

contracted by some of the diseases

I love watching Tarkovsky, but

of thought grown epidemically in the

hate having watched him? Questions

twentieth century, a century we

beget . . . what was is he doing? He

continue to endure, a century of

—what is it? He is . . . self indulgent,

resentment when it was not busy

yes, he is self-indulgent in the way--

being a century of murder. What

his personal conventions he turns

history has to do with art I leave to

into cliches. If he were not Russian,

the historian or worse, the critic. I do

and were instead Italian or French,

not care what Stalin did as much as

he might not have the reputation he

what Eisenstein was able to do in

has, which means we do indulge

spite of Stalin.

Russians as a Pro-Russian anti-

I cannot say that Dostoevsky

reflex for the anti-Russian reflexes

and Tarkovsky are mutual in this

we exhibited during the Cold War, but

pretentiousness--no. Do Russian

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artists have to live up to my

collective stereotypes as part of the

expectations, or anyone else's

received ideas of a culture

expectations? Of course not. Must

disseminate and endure far enough

they meet one or another

and long enough to sustain a people

assessment of their art based on

in their delusions about themselves

what has been perceived to be

to stand instead of having any

Dostoevsky's greatness? No,

freedom or even milk for their coffee

certainly not. I am one that

too many times, if they had coffee

understands Dostoevsky's greatness

how many times? There is no person

is independent of how he is or has

from anywhere I have ever met at

been or will be assessed. If no one

any time no matter the level of

ever read Dostoevsky again; if we

intelligence or education who

ever come to a time where general

imagines he knows more than he

literacy is so shallow that all but a

actually does than a person formed

handful of people can and not just do

by the former guiding metaphysics of

read him, he would still be the great

the Soviet Union. And the disease of

writer he is, and yes, is. I also

Putin in the Russian body politic has

understand what gives Tarkovsky his

not been kinder to Russian people.

reputation among film historians and

Equally, no people are more

critics. I am only talking here about

convinced that doubt is the highest

the effects his films have on me. No

form of wisdom than Americans.

Russian artist in anything is, was or

Why do I even allow his films . .

has ever been as significant and as

. like I said--some of his compositions

important as Dostoevsky. Period. I do

on film are extraordinary, very

not think there are many Russians

beautiful; so, this man who does not

who understand Dostoevsky well

like Tarkovsky in a particular way,

enough or love him or literature too

although he loves Tarkovsky in

much . . . I do not think anyone

others, has said . . . what have I said

anywhere really does, unless

that could be of use to anyone who

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may or may not want to watch his

about Tarkovsky as a film-maker,

films, who do watch his films, who do

compels me to say what I am saying

not any longer watch his films

the way I say it. Does Tarkovsky flirt

because they dislike his art, or

with the meta-filmic, thus always

because they have no clue what film

drawing attention to itself which is

is or has ever been or could

always part of what we call pretense,

become,might become as it is in a

what most of us understand as

constant state of becoming mutually

pretentious, cultural values received

with its being?

as ideas we imagine we have thought

There are things Tarkovsky

independently.

does in his films like other things that

Choice is essential to freedom .

have been done elsewhere or before

. . what more should be said, how to

that I love, that excite me, that inspire

say what had been said by this

me to imagine that I could be a film

bigoted man, myself, mea culpa, or

maker. In isolation, parts of his films

so we must conclude if we are to be

are astoundingly beautiful, but in the

taken seriously by those who

whole of his composition, the way he

feel . . . and if there is such a thing as

collates the parts, I find the result

a body of thought, a body of work,

horribly pretentious--and I know that I

then there must be viscera too. We

continue to say the same thing over

mustn't blame Tarkovsky for hiding

and over which in itself is poor

his viscera. He does not perform

rhetorical style . . . but it's not just in

seppuku for us, and we should thank

that annoying way I find most of what

him.

intelligent Russians say and think

Am I revising what I think? Do I

sounds terribly pretentious. I know

reimagine this for myself and thus for

how terribly narrow minded I am

you? Perhaps. Perhaps not. My

being when I say this, but I cannot

opinion is going to change nothing.

care about that because how I feel

Tarkovsky is important, more than

about Tarkovsky's films, what I think

important. Tarkovsky is significant in

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spite of being pretentious. I had a

of the darkest at night, great star-

friend of mine think that my poems

gazing; surrounded by water and

were pretentious because I used

state parks. My to be or to become

Latin and Greek words in them—but

arises like a particle in the vacuum of

the Latin and Greek words were

space-time . . . all is created there as

suited to context and context to the

most of the heavier elements are

words, action to word, if you

created in super novae explosions,

remember, and word to action.

hydrogen fusing into helium, helium

No sawing the air.

into carbon, carbon into argon and so on and so on . . . the fusion/fission dynamism of stars is like the being

II Hera's Tit

and becoming dynamism of humans . . . a question crosses my mind from time to time, has crossed my mind,

I stand at the shore in Montauk looking up at the swath of white in the night sky, looking dead center into the galactic plane, a squirt from

has crossed everyone's mind . . . when I look to the stars as I had when I was a boy . . . as every time I look in the mirror with this question, a

Hera's tit, my father had told me

question of my being and my

when I was a boy. A Romanophile? Is

becoming, which, when how . . . I get

that what we say? He read Caesar’s Civil War to me when I was boy. He insisted that Caesar had effectuated a revolution in Roman prose similar to the one everyone had insisted Hemmingway had championed in the 20s, only two-thousand years prior In all of the North eastern United States, Montauk Point is one The Falling Leaf Review

many different answers. Hamlet is not only brooding about suicide, you know—and maybe it is not brooding.

There should be a better word for what he does through fourteen hundred lines.

The I I am depends on coordinates of time and space drawn by another hand. Eternity lurks in me, 10

Volume One, Number 2

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I have assumed, like a trace of the

ephemeral, though. Who I am, when I

background radiation on spectral

am, where I am, with whom I am,

analysis of the cosmos. To be or to

how I am before I become what I

become is present in my choice now,

am--yes, I am and I am not

and we always choose to be or to

simultaneously. I will be, but I will not

become, we cannot avoid choosing.

be as well.This question of identity;

Choice is always for the taking; each

you know Identity spells ID Entity.

choice a chance we encounter; every

The it within; monsters again arising

chance results in our fortune or

from inside of me. I have said this

misfortune . . . this present trip is

before . . . I will say it again. I repeat

another fortune sought.

myself often.

Who I am trips me up. I'm not

Round and round I go, the

especially clumsy, but all this

Italians say, gira, gira. Each pose I

wondering about who I am what I

take posits somewhere outside of me

have been when I will be what and

something imposed inside of me.

where, or how or why . . . I never

Imposing, posing, positing,

watch my feet as I walk down a flight

depositing, a repository of a kind, this

of stairs. You know why the lisper

Self of selves within. Some of us

lisps. I determine who I am, or what I

imagine other selves as we do

become, I assume; I am as much

suppositories. What do I gain by the

Everyman as I am unique in the

poses I take? Each intake, each out-

entire history of the cosmos. I am not

take, put as it might be. Again, who

unique in this way. Everyone is

am I? Is the question who are we? I

Everyman. Yet, no one who has ever

am once again wondering who I am

lived, who lives now, or will ever live

within who we are, this who we are

is me. No one in any of these times

by who I am all about when I am or

or places--no one--occupies the

where I am, and when and where I

coordinates of space and time as I do

am going; to come and go. I become

in this spot at this moment. All is

when I be-go. I am a cosmogony that

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does not get repeated; yet I am also

French distinguish duality between

all of humanity at any moment. The

the two in one word, humaine, and

fact that I am cosmogonic allows me

we Anglo saxon speakers create

to stand in for all human beings, a

dichotomy with our tongue. But then I

posture I take, and I do take postures

suspect this is why in a country so

as well as pose them, put them on as

seemingly committed to democracy

I put on everyone else--everywhere's

and freedom we can speak out of the

a stage to put out, to place, to

mouths of our leaders with forked

replace the ego.

tongues. I foot on shore, the other in

I do become anyone I need to be. I am many; thus I am we. But

the wakes of the sea.

The Nazis and the Bolsheviks

what I need to be is often a mystery

were both hyper-rational, not

to me. To philosophize is to learn how

imaginative, unless it was in the

to die we know from Montaigne, but

expenditures on torture, oppression,

imagination is necessary to

and murder. I am who I am that I am

philosophize I learned from Doc

when I am how I am where I am even

Green as I called him, Doc.

why I am, I say, I think, therefore I

Imagination most people do not

believe; belief displaces dialectic in

associate with philosophy, nor do

me.What then do I say about all the

they with eternity, as Blake reminds

interrogatives that can be extended

us time and again that imagination is

from each relative pronominal

the doorway to the eternal.

relationship to my I. We live by

Imagination was a faculty of mind most highly prized by the

suppositions.

Everyone thinks that who what

Romantics, suspicious of rationality

when where and why are important,

as they were, or how the rational was

very important; but then I am who I

used as a tool against humanity, the

am, as I am, what I am, where I am,

great human humane when human is

and so on and so on only as I have

only human when humane, as the

been, how I have been, where I have

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been, when and with whom. I have

your being, though, is the fact that

not answered these questions in any

you believe your life has been

way that proves overarching to my

horribly determined, which coincides

becoming; to my being is another

with a culture that gorges itself on

thing, another essay, perhaps. You

victimhood and philosophies of

probably haven't asked yet these

victimization.

questions ontologically. What are our

These determinisms that you

theories of being? Mine? Do I have

believe you uncover, are in fact

them, or do we only have theories of

created by a system of belief you

becoming, perpetual, endless

have firmly placed yourself inside of,

becoming?

and this self enclosure masquerades

You have decided you do not need to ask yourself the once pressing questions of being, whether

in your diction as inescapable determinism.

Do you need an answer to each

existence precedes essence or vice-

of these questions now that I am

versa, and all the essences, the

herein mentioning them as not having

prefab essentials of our being

the relevance you insist they have.

precede the existence I have, and

Now that it has come to the fore that I

determine who I am, certainly what I

have not before answered or even

am.

attempted to answer any of these Everyone should know who the

questions you think are useful--

Bolsheviks were; we are living their

unless what I have thus far said could

legacy to this day, theme in variation

be said to have some say in the

in perpetuity throughout our politics

matter of my who and my what, at

now.

least in the ways you prefer to frame You probably haven't realized

discussions of being, because you do

that you decided this, or why you

discuss being even when you argue

might have, if that is in fact what has

that being is impossible, or

been done. The only determinism of

improbable, and the only thing we

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have is perpetual becoming into

independent of politics, if you will,

becoming into becoming yet again,

before it, although rhetoric is not. I

all of it without gain.

am. This is simple enough because

The where and the when are here and now as all writing has immediacy, an unavoidable

all lists of attributes are modes of subtraction, really.

I am unable to be sum-totaled; I

presentness about it, and what I say

am macrocosm to all microcosms,

here is in words on a page, printed

the microcosm of history, the one of

for easy reading because my

state, of government, of gender, of

handwriting is shit.

sexual orientation, of religion, of

I am who I am even when I am not being the me I have been before, a me, an I, others I know I knew

politics, of political affiliation, of job, of class, and so on once more.

What can I say about any time

might not recognize. I am me with

of mine in Montauk, the times we'd

every stranger I meet even if with that

spend at Land's End, on the beach,

stranger I lie through my teeth and

on and in the sands, viewing the sky,

tell no truth in the factual sense of

entering the waves, watching the

truth we sometimes hold too

waves, closing my eyes and listening

pedantically dear, close without

to the waves, hearing the muted

feeling.Who am I?

rhythmic pounding of them against

I do not ask this question

the shore as if enveloped in cotton

because as I have said above, I am

when at night I awaken in the middle

that I am when I am who and what I

of the night, quiet, still, the door partly

am wherever I am however it is that I

opened; feeling the salt spray, I

am me. I am subject and object and

recall, in the wind off the ocean . . .

subject complement and every other

more, of course there is more, I could

way of stating my being in words,

say more, tell you so much more than

which means language, which means

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I have before said something

September 22, 2016

help but have great weight, density

about the horizon here at Land's End,

for sure if not with a corresponding

the one-hundred and eighty degrees

great size.

of horizon--more I could say--yes,

The grave is a fall; of course it

there are angles greater than 180

is a fall; I recall the lowering coffin of

degrees; a line is in effect an angle. I

my Great Aunt Anna into her grave in

love standing on the sands on the

Pittsfield. Is this fall of ours, of hers,

beach, sometimes with my feet in the

of mine to come--is any fall heroic

surf, sucked down into the soft and

and therefore tragic, or is it merely as

quick wet sands of the surf, my feet

it is--or as I have assumed it is? For

moving as I stand looking out to the

all of us, absurd. A new meaning for

horizon south or east, sometimes

reductio ad absurdum?

west . . .

The horizon of the ocean

But the East end beaches, the beaches of the South Fork, the

meeting the sky, a tilting line, one that

extreme eastern end of Long Island--

wobbles with the rotation of the earth,

beautiful beaches, gorgeous--there

as perhaps we do. I have tried to

is, as I had begun to say at this

imagine being on the world or in the

entry's inception, no word, no single

world the way a pendulum exists in

word that could possibly capture what

the world, its in perpetuity a condition

I feel, what I experience when out at

of being without the effects of gravity.

Land's End.

But what is grave is not only a matter

Word, no; words, perhaps, yes,

of gravity, not only a matter of the

this explication of an explanation of

grave itself when the latter term is

why I like it in Montauk. I have mostly

used in reference to our final fall, the

avoided such expression before.

tomb, as I have said, is our last

There is more in revealing than in

tumble--no, grave matters are

telling; show them, I remember, was

matters with the weight of gravity, a

a mantra taken from--where was it

particular seriousness that cannot

taken from? Nothing but the word in

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itself--no thing, no place, no feeling,

intransitive or transitive, depending

expression, idea is ever the word in

on their context, that is, syntax . . .

itself. I have begun to question the

I do not like Montauk or love it

Imagists, but then I recognize what it

or adore it--I am it when I am there;

was they were trying to do, and

yes, I am Montauk; Montauk is me--I.

therefore, what they meant by saying

There is a misconception about this

what they repeated one and all,

idea that we should say, It is I instead

Nothing but the word in itself.

of It is me. The French do say C'est

What I need to say, want to say,

moi, which is not, C'est je. No one

will say often--the three of them

ever says, c'est je; they say, c'est

never meet one with the other and

moi. C'est moi is "It is me," It's me,

the other, round robin speaking, as

what we say when someone asks,

we say when we write, ah! To write or

Who is it? Moi is the substantive

not to write, this would have to be

pronoun,as is me, the latter also an

every writers question. What does

object pronoun, both the indirect and

the writer say? I have asked this

the direct. Montauk is me; it is I, if

before, answered this before,

you prefer, but I do not. This is all that

responded one way or another with

I can say--should say, if we do have

words on the page, herein this review

should for things like this . . .

and elsewhere, in story or poem or essay. What does the writer tell you?

There--to say or to tell;

I to be Montauk or Montauk to be me; each one is valid, mutual and reciprocal. There is more in the

transitive and intransitive expression,

spheres of human being than can be

actions that need an object and

contained by the narrowness of our

actions that do not. Be is not an

received ideas.

action; be never takes an object. Be,

The fires and the motions of my

though, is not intransitive. I read; I

being; I am as I have been for many

read poetry--some verbs are either

years, subsumed by an overriding, overarching Romanticism . . . the

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holiness of the heart, the eternal that

think that I need to say it, or that it

is the imagination, the

might say something of me to say it?

imaginative . . .

Morrison died before I was

I do recall Flaubert's outburst at

fourteen or ever a fan of their music.

the trial of Madame Bovary--yes, the

Fan from fanatic--was I a Doors fan

great French author, novelist, said,

the way I am and was a New York

Madame Bovary . . . c'est moi.

Rangers's fan? Probably not--maybe, though, I was. What means this-could mean anything remotely akin to

III Waiting for the Sun

having a favorite band, or how a band could express something about my being, my personality--yes, to say

Sun rise from the beach in Montauk.

Getting up before dawn to wait for the sun. Waiting for the Sun was an album by the Doors--my favorite group when I was . . . how old was I then the first time I listened to the

I liked the Doors did say something about me.

We wore our fandom as badges of personality. We allowed their cult of personality to transfer onto us at a time in our lives when we

Doors, still played by the crew at

could't have been less sure who we

WNEW when I was . . . how old was I

were, what we were, when we were

listening to Alison Steele, the Night Bird--I'd stay up to listen to her . . .

They are now, the Doors, from then, what remains--the most enduring group from my youth? What does that mean? What could it mean?

What does it mean--not just the truth of it, if it is in fact true--but to say it, to

The Falling Leaf Review

what, whom, the where was everywhere; the when was actually twofold. It was all the time and it was whenever . . .

The list of conditions we underwent to undergo personality selection is too long. I had no idea and yet I was sure I was the only one

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Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

who could ever know what I was or

epiphany moment. It is sudden as in

what I was going to come to be.

Satori, no? What could I know of this,

The sun up over the line of

you might ask--I know some of you

horizon, the squid ink sea growing

do, so maybe ye, maybe no, how

lighter and lighter with each inching

much of my life has been lived in

of the sun over the horizon. How

perhaps?

many poems has this figured in? I

What is it about a life we were

could go back and count, having all

supposed to be looking for as signs

my MSS at hand, along with many of

of what? What were the signs might

the earlier drafts of the poetry

be a question if we really knew for

manuscripts with their previous titles

what they were to be the signs of,

when different?

no?

A page in caption. Every page I

I recall a satori in Montauk--

write is a caption for an image of me I

how could you not have one after

have hold keep . . . words and

another in Montauk? I used to think.

pictures, every picture worth a

There is a deafness at the

thousand words, we used to say. I do

beach enveloped in the sound of the

not understand that. I think it is more

surf as I am, yes, enveloped as I am

accurate to say every right word is a

by sight and sound and spray from

thousand pictures, no.

the wind off the waves. What was the

To write or not to write for me

satori? I'm not sure I recall which--

has ben my to be or not. There is no

how could I differentiate fro among

getting around that, escaping the

them, yes, the many . . . I love to

import of this fact--facts are not

write out there.

knowledge, though. What knowledge

I re-read Kerouac's Big Sur on

is in this will determine what or how

the beach in Montauk--it was

much wisdom can be extracted?

between this an Woolf's To the

Wisdom does not come by extraction,

Lighthouse, for obvious reasons . . .

though. Wisdom is revealed; it is an

and for not so obvious reasons I

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Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

picked to Kerouac, I won't go into the

formations of the shore I cannot see

whys, but not because I like Jack

that cause the water coming in to

better than Virginia, no. I know he

break in white water waves . . . I look

would have liked that I brought the

back to the horizon and imagine that I

book with me, and carried on in my

see it wobble.

journal as I had about the reading and the waves and the surf and the gulls and the clouds and salt spray and the wind and the Hoo Doos and

PART TWO: THE SOUL OF GENIUS

the cliffs of Shadmoor State Park and the echo off the Hoo Doos as the surf raged below them.

I’m sure that he would have loved that I was reading it on the beach, and I have no problem saying as much to others, some others--no, most others not nearly as close to me as I am to those kin I have in spirit as we used to say about our favorite authors, the authors we carried with us as badges, ID badges, like I did with Kerouac and Faulkner.

I stand on the beach in the surf and I look to the horizon, I look to the waves, at them, looking in a way that watches closely what is happening, how the water breaks off from the surf, what shoals are there under the water that I cannot see, what The Falling Leaf Review

1 And So You Want to Know Something about Me Love is the soul of genius, Mozart said. How could it not be? I have added.Before. Yes, love—love, the soul of genius; love, an immortal essence. What is it that is essential about love? What is essential in genius, of genius, for genius? I suspect we do not understand what we are saying most of the time, listening as I do to what people say, how they say it . . . it might be more important, what a man says than how he says it, but, the how he says it cannot be entirely ignored by me. But

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Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

then, what is genius? You might ask.

sunny--are all days sunny? Some

I could, but do not.

children are fundamentally stupid.

Who is a genius? I have asked.

You do not have to make them feel

Genius has been co-opted by

bad because of this; you do not have

advertising, hasn't it? It has been

to torture them by making them

used in any one of Hollywood's or

persist in tests of achievement they

publishing's many marketing

will not be able to complete. But then

strategies.

we do not have to lie to ourselves

Genius, apart from our

and not be honest with ourselves

understanding of the word today,

about them, academically,

thought, used to be a person of

intellectually.

exceptional intellectual abilities, or

We must always have

exceptional creative talent. I guess it

compassion. Yet, we do not have to

means the same thing today--I do not

lower standards to make a stupid

really have to guess. It is, though,

child fell better; there are many ways

this evaluation of what constitutes

for him to adjust to the fact that he is

exceptional abilities that I question,

not academically special.

our ability to judge this when so many

We like to say for all endeavors

of us in a position to judge have been

we imagine are creative that genius

corrupted by a pedagogy more

is the guiding spirit of the person

concerned for marketing strategies

creating. In the case of Mozart's

than educating, teaching us how to

claim, a guiding spirit itself coalescing

discern.

with love becomes the principal force

Look at how we vote. Look at

in the creative process. It is the

what we say on social media. Yes,

essence of this spiritual force

everyone was special in my son's

“makes,”as we say when we use the

middle school, even the imbeciles.

Greek poeta, or poet, for a man or a

Am I supposed to apologize for

woman of creative power. Dare I say

calling a cloudy day cloudy and not

the word power? Love then is also at

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Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

the heart of many things we want to

love. Do not imagine that I follow my

do well, need to do well, whether we

advise all of the time,maybe not even

choose to or not; it is the guiding

most of the time.

creative force behind our accomplishments.

The kind of genius Mozart was

What we desire to do, to accomplish, we should do with love, of course. Repetition is a rhetorical

talking about I insist was the kind of

device and rhetorical devices should

genius that compels the creator to

also be employed with love in our

create . . . is this nature?

writing . . . and I am saying

Of course, we reserve this

Persuasion must come from love and

understanding for endeavors outside

thus from Truth otherwise it is all

the mundane, and we do not

about buying and selling, pimping

consider this notion of doing with love

and prostitution. Without love there is

when we consider sweeping the floor,

no genius of any kind--we do get this

cleaning the windows, making coffee,

in Mozart's assertion . . . love is the

although some do--nor do we reserve

soul of genius?

this analysis for doing the laundry,

Whatever we do, we do without

although we could, and perhaps we

the necessary genius if we do it

should.

without love--and love is not the

Without love, it is not possible

passion that is greed. We have no

to do anything well enough, and

genius for sweeping--do we? Or for

everyone needs to do better what it is

washing the dishes, or for frying an

they do, brushing the teeth, cleaning

egg. Yet, the woman or the man who

the house, making dinner, putting up

bakes with love understands that love

the Christmas tree, buying a birthday

is the soul of genius in baking. We.

gift, et cetera; there must be love at

We. We. Where then am I in all opf

the heart of action, if action is to be

these we(s)?

completed appropriately. You cannot make bad coffee if you make it with The Falling Leaf Review

But what is love, I have to ask?

Of course I do. I have, though, fallen 21

Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

out of the habit of defining our terms

cry when I listen to Vivaldi as I do cry

when I speak or write. Defining my

sometimes when I listen to Louis

terms was and remains always

Armstrong. I love visiting the Met, the

necessary for me who reads what he

Opera and the Museum. I love the

writes to see where I stand in relation

Balanchine and Stravinsky pieces at

to what I am saying.

the New York City Ballet, especially

Defining my terms is necessary

the black and whites, as I like to call

to show where my ideas come from

them. What I love is wide and

and where they are going. In any

variegated. I also love the idea of

examination of the process of

being in love, as does Romeo. The

accretion in my thinking--and yes, I

kinds of love are varied. I love to

liken thinking to the processes in

fuck, of course--for me this is self-

stellar evolution--in any articulation of

evident. Yes, I love sex, I love wine, I

the process of our thinking, I expose

love women, I do, I really love

not only where I stand, that is, what

women, the fact of women, the

my thesis is, but how I have arrived

presence of women, the motion of

at my conclusions. Defining terms is

women, the skin of women, the tits of

always a good place to begin. So,

women, the legs of women, the

what is love? The question is the

hands of women, hands still, hands

query; inquiry is the pursuit.

moving, holding, caressing,

I love my mother. I love good

manipulating, hands holding my

dark chocolate. I love van Gogh. I

hand, hands holding a fork, hands

love reading Woolf. I love the shore

turning a spoon in a cup of coffee . . .

at Montauk. I love being in  Montauk,

I love coffee, dark roasts, the smell,

love how being there makes me feel.

the taste, the feel in the mouth . . . I

I love seeing the full moon in the sky,

love women's mouths, their lips, their

love recalling happy moments in my

tongues, I love their eyes, their ears,

life. I love listening to Vivaldi, love

collar bones, necks, throats, all of this

how Vivaldi makes me cry--and I do

becoming too pornographic. I do not

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Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

love pornography. Pornography is

of power played in the world must be

extreme focus, is it not. I do love

a lover of power. I imagine that the

close-ups; extreme focus is a detail

monied elites love money, that

as we say in art criticism.

they love to make money,

Yes, the woman's body in

accumulating money then would be

details, sharp focus of the parts,

an act of love? Is this love or is this a

pornography. Woman

fetish? If a man seeks, finds and

metonymically--there is a great deal

reaches sexual gratification from a

of difference between loving a

woman's shoe, this is fetish, not love,

woman sexual and engaging in what

right? I do not make distinctions

amounts to one or another forms of

between love and lust, however.

pornographic behavior. A woman's

The desire to fuck in itself, as I

cunt standing for her, part for whole,

have made clear elsewhere in the

metonymy, or in this sense, the hole

course of my essays, is love. This

for the whole. I do not love this—

desire for consummation at the site of

although, I do love cunt.

or the proximity to one's sexual

I imagine that the power elite

interest is the beginning of love, a

love power. I imagine torturers love

kind of love after which choices have

torturing. I imagine that there is a

to be made, are then made, that

genius for torturing, no? There are

determine the fate of the love that

god and bad torturers. I am speaking

has been initiated?

about aesthetics.

The grotesque, as you should

Are we confusing love and lust?

I do not want to be a prude and say

know is a category of beauty. I love

that what we understand to be lust

beauty--as I have said before. If I had

and lustfulness has nothing to do with

pursued my degree in philosophy, I

love. That would be false. I am of the

would have pursued a concentration

mind that the desire to fuck is love.

in aesthetics. It is safe to say that anyone who succeeds in the games The Falling Leaf Review

There is a line from Citizen Kane that resonates in relation to the 23

Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

aforementioned love of money; the

only find out by writing. I ask what is

lust for money? Greed can’t be love?

love? Hence, I write about love.

Greed can only be lust--lust without

There are too many answers to

love is a degradation of the love

provide, let alone all the aimless

within which the desire arose?

responses I could indulge on what I

Anyway, one of the characters

might imagine passes for thinking on

responds to the reporter investigating

the spot in a moment most likely

Mr. Kane's last word, "Rosebud" by

abruptly in response to something

saying that "it's not hard to make a lot

said.

of money if the only thing you want to

Love is obsession, I'm sure

do is to make a lot of money." So,

many must think; love cannot be

where are we then? Kane had a

obsession others say. Love is grace;

genius for making money? He had

there is no grace without love. God

another for spending it? Does the

offers grace; then as I had been

Devil have a genius for disruption, for

taught, God is the God of Love

distraction, for confusion? Of course

before he is the God of Justice,

he does.

Retribution, Vengeance and

The love of acquisition leads to

Submission. Grace is an affectation

acquisition. But is this love of

of the debilitated religio-centric mind,

acquisition actually love in itself love,

or so we could believe. To be

the way we mean when we say love

obsessed with somebody some say

for one's paramour; or love for one's

is love; others insist obsession

brother, whether that be one's native

cannot be love. Jesus loves and by

brother or one's brother in the sense

His love saves, Christians say. Love

Jesus means in the Gospels. Some

is kindness; love is compassion; love

say yes, others say no. I have my

is sacrifice; love is altruism; love is

doubts, but raise the questions again.

giving and not taking; love is . . .

What I say I must first find out, and I

what? Love is, in the Aquinian sense that Deus est and only Deus est. God

The Falling Leaf Review

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Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

is. This is the only valid thing to say

are those who have not seen the

about God. It is the only rhetoric to be

light. But then doesn't Satan shine

used. To give attribute to God, to say

his own peculiar light on things in the

that God is this or God is that would

world, of the world.

be to subtract from God, rhetorically,

Jesus does say Be in the

that is. So perhaps this is what we

world , not of it. But then a Christian

should say about love, Love is.

is supposed to believe in a God of

The Buddha speaks of love as

light, a God of Truth. A Christian is

the only antidote for hate. I recall the

supposed to believe in a body of

Dhammapada and Lord Buddha's

spirit and flesh. The human being is

pronouncement that only love can

not solely a being of material/of body

dispel hate. Do the lovers of money

without spirit. Sin is darkness; love is

dispel the haters of money, the haters

light. This is old. Love and obsession

of materialism? Perhaps they do.

cannot be the same?

Many think of love as a spiritual

Love is forgiveness; obsession

principle pervading the world. But

becomes jealousy; jealousy is not

how can it pervade the world when

love? Love is redemption and

the globe turns on an axis of

transcendence; obsession is descent

contempt, violence, corruption, greed

and the kitchen knife in your lover's

and death? Yet, as I have said above,

chest? But then that's it. Love can

what if you loved power, what if you

become jealousy; it just doesn't have

loved money? Certainly greed is an

to become a bullet in the heart.

obsession, lust is an obsession . . .

Is love of money, though, the

all the deadly sins are obsessions,

same as greed? Is there a way to

we have said in our traditional

love money without being greedy;

conception of these losses of light.

isn't being greedy loving

And they are losses of light--except

accumulation too much. There is then

we can then say that those who do

a way to exceed? From the above

not love the accumulation of wealth

sense of what love could be, I would

The Falling Leaf Review

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Volume One, Number 2

have to say, no. Love of what you do

September 22, 2016

Love is essential for everything,

can make you a lot of money, but the

as I have said; but love must also

driving force of greed corrupts the

exists. We do not see it or feel it as

love of what you do. Even when a lot

we do a stone, we do not taste it as

of money is not the result; you can

we do wine, although we can become

love what you do and you can corrupt

drunk on love--and I insist that this is

that love of what you do.

not a corruption of love. To be

The soul of genius, that is love.

intoxicated by love as Mozart was by

Loving too much what you love in

the muses, his legendary enthusiasm

order to love it enough? Can the very,

for playing and composing was itself

very rich be rich through the agency

the ancient enthousiasmos, or divine

of love and not greed, or is the love

infection by or from the Muses, the

of money in itself what we mean by

patronesses and protectors of music,

avarice? Do Satan's followers love

of poetry. Love, the soul of genius;

him? Is what we call love applicable

the soul of Mozart's genius for

to Satan and anything satanic. Isn't

composing and playing music was

Satan and all things satanic a

his love of music, his love for

corruption of good, sin again being

humanity, we could say. Was love the

the absence of good, all things sinful

10th muse we could ask? This inquiry

devoid of any goodness, or some

had been engaged by the British

goodness, entering the darkness,

Romantics now nearly two hundred

sinful? How have we arrived at sin, at

years ago. To what end I cannot say

darkness . . . Â this gives me an idea,

herein. We can understand, though,

love is light. Light is good. Light is the

the attending spirit over Mozart,

opposite of darkness, herein we are

invigorated by love, what we hear we

speaking of spiritual principles, things

are supposed to know, to feel, is

of spirit, love is a thing of spirit. Like

something exceptional in a way other

soul, it is a non-locatable essence.

than, greater than we usually mean when we use the word 'genius.'

The Falling Leaf Review

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Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

where here is here close and ready and near and the other, the there is II Human Humane

there, far and away there.

The between that exists for you and for me is this thing humanity;

Humanity is an entrance. Humanity is

humanity only exists between you

a portal that opens on two sides. On

and me, only between two people is

each side of the portal there is a

there any hope of humanity, of acting

human being. Now 'to enter' in

humanely. This is where our

French is the verb 'entrer.' 'Entre,' in

humanity resides, lives, inhabits--the

French, is a preposition related to the

habitat of humanity. Humanity is the

verb. This French preposition

between of being humane; you and

translates in English, 'between.' Yes,

me are the limits of this being

every way we enter is an entrance,

between. To be tween, twain, two,

every entrance thus a "between";

one side the other side, sided by

herein a noun, a thing, a state of

each, alongside one and the other,

being: the between. The act of

that is, next to, reciprocally, two

entering is one of betweening; to be

times.

between is to be in an entrance of a

I once said in an essay that to

kind visible or invisible, again,

enter is to between; yes, simple

something that lies between one here

enough said. Whenever I go through

and another there. Here and there

an entrance I have betweened the

perpetually pivot on one between or

space. Herein, to between is a verb: I

another. There is always a between,

between, you between, everyone

a very thin between that borders both

betweens. Rimbaud said in a letter to

here and there when they are right

a friend, Je me deux, or, I two myself,

next to one another, the concentric

another kind of tearing asunder, of

circles of here and there, not the

splitting the self and thus creating an

diametrically opposed positions

internal between-ness inside.

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Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

Rimbaud's poetics were in this two-

between you and me? Where else

ness. Everybody does do this to

would it be, could it stay, could it be

himself; everyone's in the between; I

found?

am between here and there, now and then; my humanity journeys from me to you. What then do we say about

III

the journey that is life, this living. To

That is the Question

two oneself or not to two oneself; oneself in two? I am many; I am we;

To ask or not to ask--we have learned

the Self is many, we know. I have

to ask questions as a means of not

said this before and I will say this

receiving an answer; we have

again, after and between, before and

learned to respond at times as a

after is.

means to avoid answering. What is it

The self has one as well, a

we do when we ask? Is it the

between. We double ourselves in

question to question? Asking and

every meeting; every face we face

questioning are not one and the

another mirror. All journeys are

same. To inquire might have separate

between; your life as it is lived is

connotations; what remains

between. To between or not to

connotatively different must not

between, that could become the

occlude the likeness and similarities

question. But to two oneself; what

between or among the synonyms.

then is this and how to get into the

The lack of absolute-ness in any

between, to get between on self and

synonymy must also never preclude

the other, between the Self split at

us from understanding where and

least in two, between any two selves

when they are interchangeable, these

of the Self, how then to accomplish

words that share a limited synonymy.

this? Between me and you, between

I can say that I like asking

me and another; therein lies our

questions, have always liked asking

humanity? How could it not be there

questions, had never had much fear

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Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

about asking questions, different

although you knew you were never

kinds of questions of course could be

going to ask them.

asked depending on the situation or

There are a thousand what ifs

circumstance. I also had what I would

that are appropriate for pondering

call a sensitive understanding of the

that must never cross our lips to

inappropriateness of some questions;

another's ears. All of this sensitivity is

there are always questions that come

at least what I had assumed was a

to mind that are inappropriate.

sensitive understanding, what I

There are questions the media

imagined was carefully employed

should be asking power that are

nearly always. I had impeccable

uncomfortable, but not inappropriate.

timing for my questions as I did for

Although today, these are too few

my humor--at least I thought so, and I

and very far between. Now, what I

do say that I have been a fair judge

should avoid asking, I understand

of my talents and skills. I am not

clearly. What to avoid when and

given to delusion about them, not in

where and with whom, to whom--

the way American cultural norms

these are clearly drawn in my mind.

almost demand. I could go on here

Again, there are always questions

about how I loved to question ideas,

you do not ask people; you have to

question assumptions, question the

remember the questions you never

meaning or the significance of

asked your grandmother, questions

events, or just the simple questions

you never asked your father, never

asked when questioning authority,

asked your best friends beautiful

something I did not do in the reflexive

girlfriend, questions you would never

ways my generation had assumed

have asked any teacher, even your

either necessary for purposeful social

favorite teacher, but might have

corrective or simply as a birthright

thought about how you should not

that needed exercise otherwise it

ask these questions, or how you

would wither and die and thus so

could imagine asking these questions

would democracy.

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Volume One, Number 2

Going on about this might be

September 22, 2016

there is a way of asking someone for

interesting, would fit the opening, but

something or to do something or to

no, I will not go on about the

give something that this someone

questions I could ask, would ask,

feels is a demand. Our response, we

might have asked but did not and

know at times, is incredulous. I'm

why. Questions always beget more

only asking, any one of us might say.

questions; questions leading to

You demanded, is the reply. Yet . . .

questions after answers especially. I

There is always a demand in

have always suspected that the

every French question. To demand is

reason most of us do not answer the

an imposition in English; a demand is

questions we are asked and only

not simply a question to be

respond to them is that if we

answered, but a toll to be exacted, to

answered, a new question would be

be taken. We are very sensitive in

asked and the force with which it

America. In French, I assume that to

would be asked would put greater

ask is to demand, but to demand is

stress on the next answer being

also simply to ask. Who has the

delivered. Only responding actually

thicker skin?

stalls the process by getting stuck on

France is not the United States

a question that needs to be asked

as so many American bigots,

again because responses in

braggarts, jingleists and jingoists

themselves are not answers.

never fail to remind us; I have found

Demander in French is to ask; it

American anti-French bigotry to be

is the origin of the English verb to

more pronounced and less articulate

demand. To ask and to demand in

than across the Franco-Anglo-

English are not the same. In French

American lake. My tongue is in my

they share a word, again, the fore

cheek, which is far better than having

mentioned demander. What do we do

it up your ass as so many of my

when we demand something of

compatriots do when it comes to

someone, from someone? We know

food, not speaking.

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Volume One, Number 2

To answer in French is

September 22, 2016

consequences, thus the

repondre, literally, 'to lay again,' a

answerableness . . . no words, no

kind of re-putting or re-placing, that

deeds, are themselves rhetorical

is, laying out the answer, or in this

positions, thus political ones.

case, the demand or the question.

Of course, interroger is also a

Repondre is the origin of the English

way to say 'to ask.' It is also the origin

to respond. In English, the word

of the English to interrogate. Every

answer and the word respond share

one, we know, poses questions, but

a degree of synonymity, but no two

not all asking is interrogating; yet,

words are ever completely

virtually all interrogating is

synonymous, interchangeable in all

demanding, although there are ways

contexts of usage. This is the case

to demand that are not interrogating.

for the verbs to answer and to

Again, the French sense of

respond in English, where a

demander. Every interrogator must

response is not in itself an answer,

demand otherwise it is not

but to answer is to respond, in a way.

interrogation.

At least in French, one takes the

How to ask or not to ask is now

responsibility to respond, which is,

the question. Whether it is nobler to

once again, to lay out the demands of

respond responsibly when we answer

the question asked.

the questions demanded of us, or

Yes, responsibility is

instead, to avoid responding because

answerability, to be answerable for

we are unable to take responsibility

the demands one faces is what

for whatever demands are in

responsibility is; we are answerable

question.

for what we say and what we do, all of them of necessity in the logic of our lives. Even doing nothing or saying nothing in face of our lives is a choice, is a decision, with The Falling Leaf Review

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Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

IV

Abrasar/Abrazar

devotion of one kind or another is always holy. Keats is correct in asserting that there is a holiness to

Herein find a paraphrase from a story

the hearts affections; could any of us

written by a co-alter-ego of mine,

live as intensely in his senses and his

complete with extensions, and

sensibilities, his mind/soul and body

revisions.

as did Keats; do any of us feel or do

Abrazar in Spanish means to

we only just emote. Again, recall that

embrace; abrasar means to set on

it is called The Passion of the Christ,

fire. An embrace must set the one in

not The Emotion of the Christ. There

your arms on fire, as Dido was set on

is a mutually exclusive categorical

fire by the embraces of Aeneas, as

distinction between the two, emotion

she had to set herself on fire literally

and passion; it is compassion, not

in order to put an end to her desire

com-emotion. Commotion is another

for consummation at the absence of

thing altogether, yet related.

Aeneas. Love is always a form of

Dido had left Tyre with her

consumption by the flames, always

following of Phoenicians and settled

another kind of immolation.

and built what was to become

Joan of Lorraine no longer

Carthage on the Tunisian shores of

feared the flames of her persecutors,

North Africa on the Mediterranean.

having already been set ablaze by

Carthage would rival Rome in the

God and his Holy messengers, as

Western Mediterranean and in points

Teresa D'Avila knew the burning

east for nearly two hundred years,

devotion of God, as all lovers, true,

and it was not until the death of

understand and bear this as every

Carthage, the annihilation of

woman bears her child, internally,

everything Carthaginian at the end of

interconnectedly, with a complete

the Third Punic War could you say

sublimation of all thought. Donne

that Rome had its advent. The

understood this devotion, or how all

descendants of Aeneas had to wage

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Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

war repeatedly against Carthage, had

Desire becomes act, an act that

to seek the annihilation of everything

is being in itself, another actuality,

Carthaginian because the memory of

pure.

Dido was too much to bear. Her

Dido chooses her death

choice to perish in the flames is not in

appropriately; would you or I do the

effect different from Joan's choice.

same? Could we love as intensely? I

Everything she left in her wake had to

used to imagine loving as intensely. I

be possessed or destroyed.

have tried for the longest time not to

We want to say that Joan could

take too many cues from idiots,

not have chosen to live, that she

imbeciles, neurotics, and how many

could not have chosen to free herself

other completely fucked up people

of Burgundian persecution, even if

with inane or stupid or fear driven

they were not laying traps for her in a

opinions on behavior, one or another

trial that had been fixed prior to its

moron or more-off trying to curb my

commencement. Joan, though, still

personality because the energy is

chose her fate; her actions, her

either too much for their weakness of

honesty in testimony established this

soul to handle or because it flies in

course inevitably, we could say. Yet,

the face of their fears that have

she still chooses what Dido chose.

chained them, and thus my being

This notion that everything left must

reminds them too painfully what they

be possessed or destroyed is as

have deluded themselves into

invariably true for us today, as it has

believing is something other than

been humanly true for always, at

what it is, their chains are chains and

least potentially for us today because

not newly or uniquely fashioned

we do fear this truer feeling more

jewelry.

than we even give lip service to respecting it, admiring it, believing in it. The Serpent in the Garden speaks to Eve with forked tongue, no?

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September 22, 2016

V

Part Five

influence of stupid people, of persons severed from connection to light, to Truth, to Redemption, Compassion,

Where and when are here and now.

Humanity, Transcendence of

All writing has immediacy, an

darkness —I can assert that this is

unavoidable presentness about it,

true for everyone and must be true

and what I say here in words on a

for everyone for it to be fully what it

page, printed for easy reading

could be for me, and that this must

because my handwriting is shit, is in

be perpetually mutual and reciprocal

the moment. I am who I am even

throughout humanity . . . but that is

when I am not being the me I have

not going to likely happen with

been before, a me correlative only to

persons being as fucked as they are

a contingent I, an I that others I know

by one system or another they think

might not recognize. I am me with

they understand, have learned to

every stranger I meet even if with that

play the hop-scotch they need to play

stranger I lie through my teeth and

around.

tell no truth in the factual sense of

I am is simple enough to get—I

truth we sometimes hold too

am not this nor am I that, but simply, I

pedantically dear, close without

am. All lists of attributes are modes of

feeling. I am and I am not my

subtraction, really. I am unable to be

words . . .

sum-totaled; I am macrocosmic to all

I recall that everything written

microcosms, the microcosm of

has rhetoric and that the word energy

history, the one of state, of

comes to us from Greek rhetoric and

government, of gender, of sexual

not science, that science borrowed

orientation, of religion, of politics, of

the term from rhetoric . . .

political affiliation, of job, of class,

I am. Of course I would like this to be accepted for what it says, what

and so on and so on in perpetuity, irrespective of any contemporaneity

it can be apart from the corrupting The Falling Leaf Review

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Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

and its manias for one politics or

improbable, and the only thing we

another politicking.

have is perpetual becoming into

Who am I? I do not ask. This question is unaskable for me because as I have said above, I am

becoming into becoming yet again, all of it without gain?

You have decided you do not

that I am when I am who and what I

need to ask yourself the once

am wherever I am however it is that I

pressing questions of being, whether

am me. I am subject and object and

existence precedes essence or vice-

subject complement and every other

versa, and all the essences, the

way of stating my being in words,

prefab essentials of our being

which means language, which means

precede the existence I have, and

in grammar, which exists

determine who I am, certainly what I

independent of politics, if you will,

am. You probably haven't realized

before it, although rhetoric is not.

that you decided this, or why you

Do you need an answer to each of these questions now that I am herein mentioning them as not having

might have, if that is in fact what has been done.

The only determinism of your

the relevance you insist they have.

being, though, is the fact that you

Now that it has come to the fore that I

believe your life has been horribly

have not before answered or even

determined, which coincides with a

attempted to answer any of these

culture that gorges itself on

questions you think are useful--

victimhood and philosophies of

unless what I have thus far said could

victimization. These determinisms

be said to have some say in the

you believe you uncover, are in fact

matter of my who and my what, at

created by a system of belief you

least in the ways you prefer to frame

have firmly placed yourself inside of,

discussions of being, because you do

and this self enclosure masquerades

discuss being even when you argue

in your diction as inescapable

that being is impossible, or

determinism.

The Falling Leaf Review

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I am who I am that I am when I

September 22, 2016

Green as I called him, Doc.

am how I am where I am even why I

Imagination most people do not

am, I say, I think, therefore I believe;

associate with philosophy, nor do

belief displaces dialectic in me. What

they with eternity, as Blake reminds

then do I say about all the

us time and again that imagination is

interrogatives that can be extended

the doorway to the eternal.

from each relative pronominal relationship to my I. Everyone thinks that who what

Imagination was a faculty of mind most highly prized by the Romantics, suspicious of rationality

when where and why are important,

as they were, or how the rational was

very important, but then I am who I

used s a tool against humanity, the

am, as I am what am I, where I am,

great human humane when human is

and so on. I have not answered these

only human when humane, as the

questions in any way that proves

French distinguish duality between

overarching to my becoming; to my

the two in one word, humaine, and

being is another thing, an essay in

we Anglo saxon speakers create

existentialism, perhaps. You probably

dichotomy with our tongue. But then I

haven't asked yet these questions

suspect this is why in a country so

ontologically. What are our theories

seemingly committed to democracy

of being? Do we have them, or do we

and freedom we can speak out of the

only have theories of becoming,

mouths of our leaders with forked

perpetual, endless becoming?

tongues.

To philosophize is to learn how

The Nazis and the Bolsheviks

to die we know, and as I have

were both hyper-rational, not

learned this and other things from

imaginative, unless it was in the

Monsieur Montaigne . . . imagination

expenditures on torture, oppression,

is necessary to philosophize, I

and murder.

learned early on in my higher studies (yes higher). I learned from Doc The Falling Leaf Review

Yet, who I am, when I am, where I am, with whom I am, and 36

Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

how I am before I become what I

all human beings, a posture I take,

am--yes, I am and I am not

and I do take postures as well as

simultaneously . . . all is lost to other

pose them, put them on as I put on

loses. I will be, but I will not be as

everyone else--all the world's a

well.

stage.

This question of identity; you

I do become anyone I need to

know Identity spells Id entity. The it

be. I am many; thus I am we. But

within; monsters again arising inside

what I need to be is often a mystery

of me. Round and round I go, the

to me.

Italians say, gira, gira . . . each pose I

Every time I look in the mirror

take posits somewhere outside of me

with the question, who am I, I get a

something imposed inside of me.

different answer. The I I am depends

Imposing, posing, positing,

on coordinates of time and space

depositing, a repository of a kind, this

drawn by another hand. Eternity lurks

Self of selves within. What do I gain

in me, I have assumed, like a trace of

by the poses I take? Each intake,

the background radiation on spectral

each out-take, put as it might be.

analysis of the cosmos.

Again, who am I? is the question who are we?

I am once again . . . wondering

To be or to become is present in my choice now, and we always choose to be or to become, we

who I am within who we are, this who

cannot avoid choosing. Choice is

we are by who I am all about when I

always for the taking; each choice a

am or where I am, and when and

chance we encounter; every chance

where I am going; to come and go. I

results in our fortune or misfortune.

become when I be-go. I am a

Who I am trips me up. I'm not

cosmogony that does not get

especially clumsy, but all this

repeated; yet I am also all of

wondering about who I am what I

humanity. The fact that I am

have been when I will be what and

cosmogonic allows me to stand in for

where, how or why . . . I never watch

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Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

my feet as I walk down a flight of

peace and yet a familiar one, first one

stairs. You know why the lisper lisps.

then the other then the other again

I determine who I am, or what I

and then a mixture of both, awash in

become, I assume; I am as much

the vastness of the night sky, its

Everyman as I am unique in the

depth, something that tears away the

entire history of the cosmos. I am

consciousness of flesh, at first

unique in this way. No one who has

thought, a liberation, at next,

ever lived, who lives now, or will ever

transcendence.

live is me. No one in any of these

He stands in the back of the

times or places--no one--occupies

place they are staying at in Montauk,

the coordinates of space and time as

a large back lawn that looks out on

I do in this spot at this moment. All is

the dunes as they loom nearly black

ephemeral, though.

in the pitch that is night here. He has

I stand at the shore in Montauk

set up his tripod with his camera set

looking up at the swath of white in the

on manual with the lens pointed at

night sky, looking dead center into

the swath of white in the sky giving

the galactic plane, a squirt from

us a look into the galactic plane . . .

Hera's tit, my father had told me

he takes a number of shots at several

when I was a boy. In all of the North

different exposure lengths, all of them

eastern United States, Montauk Point

being so slow as to necessitate the

is one of the darkest spots at night--

tripod. He also uses a a cable to

great star-gazing.

further reduce camera shake, he will

My to be or to become arises

get some of the star trails from how

like a particle in the vacuum of

slow the exposure is, the rotation of

space-time. The question crosses my

the earth and thus the tripod in the

mind from time to time, has crossed

back lawn dragging the light of the

my mind, has crossed everyone's

stars in the beginning night sky into

mind. I look to the stars as I had

trail, but only just the beginning g of

when I was a boy and I feel a strange The Falling Leaf Review

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Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

them for he wants the squirt from

let him die. That was a real

Hera’s Tit to be primary in the shots.

ambulance. The ambulance in her

Transcendental me.

dream was also real . . . what I recall is, no longer was.

The End

Ambulances pass every day, not right outside the window--how many times has she sat in this chair

Ambulatory Memory She hears an ambulance passing.

She cannot tell from where, somewhere in the amorphous outside; siding with, siding against— there is no ambulance passing outside.

The window is opened. She pauses. She thinks she remembers an ambulance passing, a dream she had one night. She thinks she can recall the dream, bring it back. She hears the siren, she thinks, then says, impossible . . . it is a dream, she says loud in her head, inaudibly out.

She remembers a dream she had about an ambulance, how long ago it was she could not say, the ambulance that took her father to the hospital that decided on his arrival to The Falling Leaf Review

at this window looking out looking at looking to, for with . . . yet sirens are common in cities, she thinks.

Images and sounds passing in mind, how does time pass in the mind, where is time, if it is a fourth dimension, then it must be inextricably woven with space? She does not ask.

The arrow and the tunnel again, everywhere, anywhere, somewhere unexpected, time moving by, or time as something we move through.

Oblique, things passing in the oblique; everything is sloping, tonight.

Time in the mind not time on the clock, time on the cock not what time is when all of it is one, as it, when it is always.

She looks out the window to the front garden, to the bushes that enclose the garden, to the grass, to 39

Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

the pear tree centrally placed in the

recalls having said how many times

garden. There is no fruit on the tree

she could not have counted. She

this year. Pear trees are bi annual

listens more intently. She insists she

trees. They do not bear fruit every

can hear the clock ticking in the

year. It’s every other year that they

dining room, I can hear it, tick, tick,

bear fruit.

tick . . .

She remembers the story her

She remembers the crazy

father told of the man who had cut

narrator in Poe’s “Tell-tale Heart.” It

down a beautiful pear tree because

never happened, she says. He never

he thought it had died because it did

killed anyone, she says. There was

not bear fruit one year. Her father told

no body, no heart. There was an old

her that his father had told him that

man, for certain. What is certainty,

he had told the man that pear trees

anyway? She thinks.When we are

do not bear fruit every year, that they

really sure, we need no certainty to

bear fruit every other year. Her father

tell us so; whenever we get into

also told her that the man did not talk

disagreements over happenings, or

to her grand father for long after that,

intentions, or gestures, it’s always

that the man must have been too

over some certainty we cling to that is

embarrassed to bear talking to his

in the final analysis, a mistake. Every

neighbor who knew he was an idiot

mistake is a perception, a feeling, an

for having chopped down a perfectly

emotion, taken wrongly.

good and beautiful pear tree.

Shouldn’t I talk about stories in the present tense? She wonders in-

She turns away from the window.

She looks around the living room.

loud.

Everything is in the narrator’s

She looks at the light coming from

head. Then everything that is, is in

the kitchen. She pauses and thinks

the head too.

she hears the clock in the dining room tick-tick ticking as it does, she The Falling Leaf Review

Yes, nothing happens, she thinks. The shrieks he hears could be 40

Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

him in his head. Maybe there is no

remembers she used to say to her

old man. Maybe the old man died. It

husband sometimes. She remembers

does not matter. There is no murder,

how she used to say to him how one

no heart beating, no conscience, but

needs to blank the mind, how one

some pathology that creates

must get rid of one’s persistent

everything.

thinking, thinking, thinking, how one

What is going on in her mind

should first empty everything in the

now, what is going to be going on in

mind to be able to relax, thus

her mind in a few hours, how will she

replenish, thus revive. She never

handle this absence growing ever

imagined she needed in her mind to

larger as the weeks pass?

watch out, keep watch, be on guard,

She hears the clock ticking

only maybe keep an oblique eye

again. She pauses. Her mind is a

peeled for the extremely unusual she

blank for a moment. She turns to look

said to herself without thinking why

in the direction of the clock. The

she had.

ticking becomes muffled in her mind

She remains fixed on the

amid the thoughts that begin to race

ticking clock, by the ticking clock . . .

again. She wanted to relax, to be

she notes the ticks are coming boldly,

able to relax, to be calm—it did not

too loudly, she said. The clock is

matter that she did not show signs of

ticking, ticking and ticking

panic, what she was feeling as she

incessantly. Why did I ever buy that

felt what she was feeling was

clock? She has asked before and

something other than calm even if it

would have asked again except she

wasn’t hysteria. She sits in the chair

recalls what she said before about

she bought with her husband at

the clock. She smiles?

Macy’s.

She has always looked out the window this way whenever she would

She thought it was pretty when she bought it, and it did go with the room. It was the right color and the

sit to relax, looking aimlessly as she The Falling Leaf Review

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Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

right shape. It is the right color and

see so much of what has passed how

the right shape.

much of this that she cane see, as

She continues to smile, sitting

she says she can, does she then

in her chair by the window, looking

reshape, reform, imagination not yet

out as she has looked out this

dead, she recalled having read

window for years and years she

somewhere, perhaps in a novel, who

thinks about for a moment, passing a

was it she cannot recollect.

word or two about how many,

She thinks that maybe she

possibly counting them another time,

should write stories, she says she

too many to count offhand, she

has many of them, stories from the

thinks, does not say, sometimes she

things that have happened in her life,

does, off her lips, say things to no

stories she has heard from others

one present but herself, Who counts

telling stories, stories from what she

the moments as they pass? Who has

has witnessed, what she has herself

any idea about time passing her by?

imagined. All of them in her head,

It’s been three months. What will she

words and more words she imagines

do she has not thought about with

she has enough, seeing herself

any intention of figuring out?

writing as she used to tell, say, speak

She notices that the windows

out loud at tables in chairs in

needed washing. When was the last

backyards on blankets on beaches,

time I washed them, she asks

wherever she has been, walking and

herself, under her breath, barely

talking touring one city or another,

audible, not at all if anyone were

one park or one museum here or

present? She is alone at home. The

there in one country or another, on

house seems bigger than it used to

one beach or another, in one car on

feel before, she says to herself that

one road or another and another . . .

she imagines. Mental images formed,

she probably won’t.

shaped how, she wonders, pictures to herself, she liked saying. She can The Falling Leaf Review

She says she will wash them tomorrow. She has become used to 42

Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

doing most things tomorrow. She

she writes. How much she writes and

folds her arms. She squeezes herself

how layered her writing has become

gently. She wonders if it has gotten

she will not betray. She does not

chilly. She thinks herself into a shiver.

always like to talk about writing. She

She pauses. She closes her

simply likes to reveal what she must

eyes. She does not fall asleep. She

imagine writing is by writing itself.

thinks again about the weather. She

Read and you will know she used to

pauses again.

say to her girlfriend. I consider them.

It has gotten a little chilly.

She is both convinced and not convinced at the same time, not one

She is and is not convinced that

time one and another time the other,

writing will save her. To save a life is

no. I cannot help but write she says.

to save the world, the Jews say.

It’s impossible for me not to write, not

What does it mean to say that writing

since, but it was impossible for me

will save her? If she saves herself by

not to write all the years I did not

writing then writing saves the world,

write, she says, she writes, she now-

everyone who writes and saves

and-then speaks aloud when she sits

herself also saves the world. Who is

at the table in the kitchen and writes

it that scoffs at the simple solitary

in her journal—I’m keeping one again

woman who writes away in her room,

at least. It took him to disappear for

or the man who sits and writes on the

me to start saving my life, she thinks,

beach or on the park bench? Who

she considers, she wonders, she

are we the anonymous writers saving

writes about in one way or form or

the world? I am only saving myself,

another, always another and another

she would have said here.

and another creeping . . .

She does and does not

Who is she? Who is anyone

consider these thoughts; she thinks

like her or not? Who is a woman?

them, then she writes them. She

What is a woman? Who is this

does not know what she thinks until

woman that is she? How is this

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Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

woman different from her, who she is,

married had taught her how to let

what she is, when she is? She asks

many things go that might otherwise

as she asked as she had asked as

bother a person, upset a person,

she will and continue to do so on and

distress, disturb, sadden trouble

on—where? Where is she? Where

offend or disappoint a person, a

will she be? Where was she when

woman.

this happened? Where is he? She no

You had to let go of your ego if

longer asks the way she had asked

you were going to survive in a

for how long was it.

marriage, or you had to push your

She says contradiction is not

ego out of yourself when you were

equal to nullification. To nullify and to

married, and she had said this how

contradict are different actions, they

long ago she could not.

are distinct actions, divergent. You

Absence is not absent the way

get it, she would understand. She did

we think of it when we imagine

understand when she still asked

absence. Absence is a kind of

questions like these. How it was, she

presence. I can’t feel time; time does

came to the place where she no

not in itself cause pain or pleasure,

longer had to wonder where her

she said. It does not mark itself in its

husband went she does not explain

passing—could it be that it does not

to herself. She will not explain it to

pass at all, that all of it is one and

anyone; she has not explained this to

thus the same everywhere at every

anyone who has asked her, never

time, she said. Is it true that past,

mind the ones who have not asked

present and future are only illusions?

her questions because they think that

She asked. I have asked this before

this might be prying into business

now, she said. There is only before

that is none of their affair or too

now and after now, and yet I know

painful for her to consider. She let it

there is no before now and there is

go. She said once that she had

no after now, that there is only an

learned to let a lot go; that being

eternal now, an everywhere all the

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Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

time all at once now that covers

Holy Trinity

beginning and end, she added.

She was not devout nor was she lapsed or whatever else we call it when a woman who was raised as

Do you believe in God? She asks.

she was raised with the relationship her family had to their religion, their

In God? He responds.

particular way of relinking with the

Yes, God? She insists. Do you

One, the Truth, the Absolute . . . what

believe in Him? She says.

do any of these references mean?

She asked. I do believe in God, she

Him? He asks increduously, or

has said. The beginning and end of

so he would say if he were quoting

existence, of creation, I still cling to

himself.

the prejudices of youth, she said. I still hold onto the doctrines and dogmas of my childhood, she added.

Yes, Him, she says.

Not Her? He asks rhetorically.

The fathering of the man and all that crucial making stuff, you know, the

Her?

girl is the mother of the woman, she

Yes, Her.

says. Woman and man in traditional forms, no—have we escaped them.

They do hold us captive; the amnesiac is so lucky, don’t you think? ’I did not ask. She used to ask questions like these.

FINIS

God is not Her. No? No. God is He. Only He? Yes, He and only He. And not She?

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God is not She. Never She? He asked.

Never She, she says. God is He, she says.

I know that God is he, but what is the Holy Ghost?

The Holy Ghost?

Yes, the Holy Ghost; the Holy Spirit. What is the Holy Spirit? He asked.

I don't know, what is the Holy Spirit? She asked. What are you saying? She asked.

The Holy Spirit is It, isn't It? He asked.

It? Yes, It. Not He or She, just It.

September 22, 2016

So, God is then He and It? She asked.

At least He and It. I don't see how I am supposed to come to God is She because the Holy Ghost is It?. And I am not so sure I agree that God is He and It. So then, what is he?

That’s it. God is He. So let me understand this: God can be Father Son and Holy Ghost but God cannot be He, She and It? That’s what you are saying?

That’s what I am saying. Father, Son and Holy Ghost is one thing; this He, She and It is another.

I'm not saying they are the same thing. It’s just, if one, why not the possibility of the other? He asked.

It? I don't know. I know God is he Yes, It. The Holy Ghost is It? She asked.

Yes, It. He said.

The Falling Leaf Review

and you say God is it, she said.

Why is it I say? The Holy Ghost is it, no? The Holy Ghost is It whether I say so or not.

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Yes. I guess. I don’t know. He and She and It? What next?

You have no problem with Father, Son and Holy Ghost?

No. Why then the problem with He, She and It? He asked.

He, She and It? It just sounds weird, she said.

Everything about God is strange and estranging—we would

September 22, 2016

[A long pause.]

Let’s get a beer, he said.

A beer?

Yeah, a beer. I want that IPA we had the other night.

The other night?

The other night after the bookstore; what was the name of it?

I don’t remember.

It was on A, wasn’t it? I

like to think that human is not strange

remember, we were walking around

to God, but it is.

looking for a place for you to piss.

That’s the whole point of the Incarnation, she said. It’s the only way God can experience the human.

We have to understand this

You used the bathrooms in Tompkins.

Don’t they have Allagash at that place with the IPA you like.

Yeah, they have both.

human is not what we are simply because we are born. Just having been born is not enough.

I’m not with you in this idea about God. It’s a little disturbing this notion that God is He, She and It, all in one.

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Volume One, Number 2

September 22, 2016

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