The DailyER: February 23, 2021 by The DailyER

THE

February 23, 2021 thedailyer.com Volume 15, Issue 3

DAILYER DAILY ER “Don’t worry about it” - Ronnie Green

“I’m worrying about it” - Average UNL Student

Pete Ricketts excited to catch up with Jeff Bezos at annual head-waxing convention - p. 4

We ranked all 141 UNL majors because we have nothing better to do - p. 9-11

Editor’s Note from Duncan Rea Moore The DailyER editor-in-chief

Gee wiz, it’s been almost a full year of this pandemic thing huh? Sometimes it feels like I haven’t left my apartment in like hundreds of years. And it’s cold as balls. Screw that shit. I can’t even really go outside even if I wanted to because the air makes me want to die. Some people have 70 degree weather right now, the fuck is up with that? If it was at least warm outside I would feel like, way better. Been rewatching Game of Thrones recently, remember that show? I almost look back on that dreaded final season with nostalgila now cause I could actually go to big watch parties of the episodes with my friends. Remember friends? Like having them? Wild. Anyway the first few seasons are pretty good, although I gotta say a lot of the stuff that eventually made Game of Thrones the worst series ever are subtly around in the early seasons.

CODE OF CONDUCT These are the guidelines outlining the ethical and moral responsibilities and proper practices for staff members of UNL’s Alternative News Source. The DailyER is meant to be a satirical and at times radical news zine, presenting current news in a false or comical light, while simultaneously featuring “serious” entertainment reviews, interviews, etc. Due to the nature of social satire - indefinite in regard to standards of approbation - The DailyER and the Publications Board of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln have deemed it necessary to adopt a code of conduct. The following is a list of standards characterizing what is and what is not suitable for publication in The DailyER: - No editing or cleaning up of language shall occur when conducting a true interview (Entertainment Section). We believe that editing one’s language skews the reader’s perception of the interviewee. - The use of profanity in satirical news articles shall not occur unless its usage bears an intended effect on the meaning of the article. - No limits shall be placed on the strength of language used. All words considered profane are on an equal playing field, but none are to be used unless in the situations described above. - Nudity shall be limited to the hind side of an individual; however, photos of individuals wearing clothing that accentuates other areas of the body are acceptable but to be used sparingly and in good taste. - The DailyER shall not be a biased, subjective or partisan newspaper. It will strive at all times to cover all issues and all groups equally. - All university officials, administrators and faculty members are liable to be cited and/or quoted incorrectly in satirical news articles written by members of The DailyER; however, stories must be overtly bogus in order to dispel any beliefs that information within the articles is in any way true. - Being a satirical news zine, The DailyER may, at times, offend target groups and therefore bears the responsibility of being criticized as anti-(insert group here). One goal of The DailyER is to be known as “fair in its offenses,” meaning that no one group shall bear the brunt of the joke. - The DailyER shall follow the AP Style Guide. - The DailyER shall follow all rules set forth by the UniversityWide Student Publications Committee’s Guidelines for the Student Press-Revised Edition.

Trust me, that show was really only held up by fucking fantastic costume design, acting, and the source material of GRRRRRR Marty. Once they ran out of books it’s clear that no one actually knew what the hell they were doing. I got like a couple seasons of some of the best acting Peter Dinklage has ever done to watch so I’m happy. This will at least keep me distracted from the endless maw that is about to consume the world for a week or two. Also, hey Joeby Wozy Biden, give me my freaking 2,000 dollars ya turd. Have you considered doing things that like, help people yet? - Duncan Rea Moore the.dailyer.unl@gmail.com

Join the DailyER Discord Server! Our meetings are on Monday/Wednesday at 8 PM Scan this fancy smancy QR code with your phone camera to get an invite link! Any UNL student can pitch a headline! Write your own satire!

DAILYER & SEEDS STAFF Editor-in-Chief Duncan Rea Moore

Try-Hard of the Month Kenny Matthews

Assistant Editor Matt Rothgeb

Staff Writers Will Jackson Peggy Morris Chris Goering Efren Cortez Maggie Rieckman

Media Manager James White

Taesung Kim Andrew Herold Lizzie Hunter Chris Sanders Evan Hoylman

Upcoming Events S

27 28 29 30 F

Follow The DailyER and Seeds on social media! 25

/TheDailyER

UNL Yugioh Grand Open Tournament - 1st place prize is a stale Mt. Dew

Sundas

This actually happened to my buddy jake one time

What if cats and dogs had opposable thumbs day

Morndas

Tridas

Ah dang I left my deep dish pizza in the oven

International assbags day

4 Ted has his dental cleaning today

Prince of Fate/eyes

Hermaeus Mora’s summoning day

March, resumed

The boys leave town :(

Buy a book you’ll never read, dumbo

Passed my covid test!

Feburary 3

National Pig Day

26 Pick up the new issue!

/SeedsEnt 28

International Bagpipe day

Anniversary of Covid just wreaking your style

Middas

Macklemore New Album Drop

Mac n’ Cheese Pizza Night at Harper Dinning Hall

International Luigi Day

Fredas

Monthly Alien Probe

Loredas

I dare you to type “vore” into your google search and press enter

19 National Hangover Day

Green Day

Turdas

25 It’s gonna be a long month

THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN!!!!!

26 Drink exactly 3 red bulls today, I dare you buddy

Spring Break! Oh, wait...

27 I dare you to type “Lore” into your google search and press enter

4 News in Brief a quick guide to what’s happening now

College homework just like high school homework, but now with more drugs Professor clearly muted self to cover up nasty ass fart

Chess Club dropout upset that the game is suddenly sexy now

Online degree plan just child’s drawing of a treasure map

Man definitely not dating barista girlfriend for all the free coffee Local wise guy thinks he can park in the motorcycle spot

Pete Ricketts excited to catch up with Jeff Bezos EVAN HOYLMAN at annual head-waxing convention STAFF WRITER

Nebraska governor Pete Ricketts is excited to catch up with Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos at an annual head-waxing convention, the bald headed politician told reporters Monday.

“Pete and I really hit it off at Wax-a-thon five years ago, where we first met,” Bezos told reporters. “I had a blast with him and Jamie Hyneman from Mythbusters at the ‘Bald and Beautiful’ pep rally back in 2016.”

“I’ve been waiting all year to hang out with Jeff at this year’s Wax-a-thon,” Ricketts noted. “Last year, his stories about suppressing his most vulnerable employees really cracked me up.”

This year’s keynote speaker and recipient of the 2021 Lifetime Achievement in Baldness award will be Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, sources told The DailyER. Johnson’s acceptance speech will reportedly be entitled “Glabrous and Glamorous” and will feature anecdotes about the celebrities bald headed adventures in wrestling, acting and business.

Wax-a-thon, the annual convention for the nation’s elitist bald-headed leaders and politicians, will be held this weekend. The event will reportedly feature speeches from the nation’s leading baldness experts, masterclasses in head polishing procedures, and five star meals prepared by only the finest bald headed chefs.

At press time, sources were reporting that UNL Chancellor Ronnie Green couldn’t wait to meet U.S. Senator Ted Cruz at next year’s Beastly Beard Blast.

Rick Grimes switches to random mitigation testing for zombies MATT ROTHGEB ASS EDITOR

Former Sheriff turned leader of the zombie survival camp, Rick Grimes, has been known for his strict testing requirements to join his notoriously safe settlement. That will soon be changing as he told the locals that they will not be doing regular testing, but they will be switching to random mitigation testing for the zombie virus. This came as a surprise to many who felt like their sense of security vanished after that announcement came out. Former pizza delivery man turned absolute badass Glenn Rhee spoke out during the announcement saying, “What’s the point then Rick? How can we know if people are staying safe if we are not regularly testing? I think a ton of people will slip through the cracks.” Rick and the rest of the settlement government gave various explanations for the change. “We do not have the resources to spare to test people every 10 days like that CDC guy said,” Rick Grimes explained, “We are asking all of you to self-monitor. If you see any symptoms please come get tested at our sites.” “I am really in support of this change,” said former advertising executive Sam Townsend, “Saving the money and resources on this change will really help our group. Plus it gives me a break from those super-inconvenient tests.” While being interviewed Townsend was seen sweating and covering a poorly bandaged bite-mark. Only time will tell how this policy change will affect those at the settlement. The only guaranteed outcome is that the number of positive tests will go down. Update: Two weeks after our initial report. The settlement is abandoned and there appear to be no living survivors. The zombie formerly known as Sam Townsend can be seen shuffling around the center of town. Evidence collected at the testing site shows there were zero confirmed cases in the past two weeks.

UNL bursar’s office announces new student fee because, fuck it, why not? CHRIS SANDERS STAFF WRITER

sidewalks, so we have every right to charge their miserable asses four hundred bucks to walk on our sorry pavement,” Watson added. “What are all those little fuckers going to do about it?” asked Kathy Anderson, assistant director of the bursar’s office. “Transfer your sorry asses to Nebraska Wesleyan? I think not! We could ratchet those fees up even more and still be cheaper than that piss-poor excuse for a private college!” Chancellor Ronnie Green’s response to the new fee proved apathetic at best.

The bursar’s office at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln announced a new fucking student fee Friday, effective for the Spring 2021 semester. “The new ‘campus sidewalk’ fee will be assessed to all students for their use of UNL’s sidewalks, roads, and alleys,” explained Charles Watson, director of the UNL bursar’s office. “We thought it was appropriate because, fuck it, why not?” “It’s not like those little shits are going to be able to avoid using the fucking

Smaug asks orcs to prevent dwarves from stealing back the gold MATTHEWS he rightfully stole KENNY STAFF WRITER Reports from the Lonely Mountain, Erebor as it is locally known in the forest of Mirkwood, state that the dragon Smaug is seeking help from the Orcs army of Goblins and Wargs in maintaining the gold he has amassed within his mountain home. Smaug is seeking protection from a band of dwarves, led by Thorin Oakenshield, who claim that the gold and the mountain was stolen from them by Smaug. Smaug denies the claim saying the gold was “received legally by shorting the dwarves from the Lonely Mountain.” Smaug is seeking the help of the Orc led army after suspicion that the dwarves are receiving insider training from the Elves of Rivendell, Gandalf the Grey, and the men of Lake Town, formally Dale. A hobbit named Bilbo

Baggins, who is in the area sightseeing, is siding with the dwarves saying that “I have spoken with both sides and have to agree with Oakenshield and his band. The strong and powerful cannot complain about someone else taking control of the mountain when he has been doing the same for over 150 years.” Oakenshield did not speak to us, however, one of his representatives explained that they wish to settle this in Lake Town court under Judge Bard. They are seeking Smaug to leave the mountain and the Arkenstone, and are willing to part with some gold to keep Smaug away. If that does not work, they plan on settling it outside of court with support from Oakenshield’s kin from the Iron Hills.

“When that proposal crossed my desk last month, I barely even looked at it,” explained Green. “If it’s going to make us more dollar dollar bills, why the fuck not? I approved that shit right away.” Students will see a new charge of $400 on their student bills as soon as next month, in addition to the ever growing list of random-ass fees those sorry dipshits pay every single semester of their meaningless time at UNL. At press time, Green had recently announced plans to implode two more campus buildings, because, hell, why the fuck not?

Opinion: writing articles is hard, please WHITE laugh JAMES MEDIA MANAGER Look, I may not be some fancy schmancy writer for the Daily Nebraskan, but lemme tell you that writing articles for the DailyER might just be even more difficult! When you write for the Daily Nebraskan, you’re talking about real things with real details, but when I go to write articles for the DailyER, I am just making shit up! That’s difficult, I have to use my brain a lot for that. Not to say that writers for the Daily Nebraskan don’t use their brains, they have to decide what is actually good and knowledgeable, whereas I just write whatever comes through my brain in hopes that Duncan doesn’t think it’s garbage. So please, if you happen to see me on campus,

and you’re holding a copy of the DailyER, please laugh as hard as possible so that I can feel validated for writing dumb shit and feeling special just because it’s on a mass-produced newspaper sheet.

Question: Do girls read my articles? WHITE Guys read my articles. For Sure JAMES MEDIA MANAGER

Breaking: It’s girl and her new boyfriend against the world MAGGIE RIECKMAN STAFF WRITER

I wonder if girls read my articles. Are there a lot of women who read the DailyER? I don’t know of many people that read the DailyER, let alone women who read the DailyER. And if they did read the DailyER, who is to say that they don’t skip over my articles? I wouldn’t blame them, there are way funnier writers than I on the team. Let me know if you’re a woman and you read my articles. Did you read this one?

Now if there is one thing I know for sure, it’s that guys definitely read my articles. I can say that for a fact because I sometimes read my articles before sending them in, and I know Duncan has to look through them to make sure they’re good to post. To prove it, I am going to put something wacky about Duncan here, and if you don’t see it then that is proof that at least one guy reads my articles! Duncan, you are a mega poo-poo head. See? There’s the proof that at least one guy reads my articles for sure!

According to recovering-single Debby Breccia, “If a boy really loves you, he will help you escape the toxicity of your friendships, family, work, school, and self-care routine.” No one in her life is supportive of their relationship, so she has had to burn several bridges. Good thing he helps her walk on water, no bridges necessary. Breccia added “Not only has my new boyfriend taught me that I can fall in love again, but he taught me that love is all I need.” Now her new sugar boo is her sun that she revolves around, and as pointed out in her favorite book “the sun is also a star.” Debby didn’t provide us with a photo, but one of the DailyER correspondents that follows her on social media described her beau as an Edward Cullen and Michael Cera lovechild. He has none of Edward Cullen’s good looks or charm, but one of her captions romanticized how he watched her when she slept. “I knew he was a perfect fit when he played a 2000’s hit love song during our first make-out session,” said Breccia. “It was so romantic, and I felt like the only girl in the world.” Because everyone else in her life does not approve of Chris, especially after he photoshopped her boobs to be bigger in their two month anniversary photo, Breccia and her bf spend a lot of time alone. They stay in his cold basement room furnished with a single bed covered in a navy comforter for ten hours watching offensive comedian stand-up specials that Chris picked out. Like a John Green novel, Breccia has fallen in love slowly and then all at once, immediately following giving up on getting off and starting to fake it. “This is my happily ever after,” Breccia said, “At least until I graduate and move away in six months.”

UNL theater director gets idea to do covid themed production of RENT

KENNY MATTHEWS STAFF WRITER

This production, coming fall of 2021, will be the same show Larson wrote with one major change. Instead of the AIDS epidemic being the central theme our characters will be living through the COVID-19 pandemic. UNL theater director Ross Sandon believed this will finally make the show better for our generation. “My students don’t understand RENT as they used to when I started teaching. The AIDS crisis is something they don’t get, but this… this will finally reach today’s youth.”

For many, the stage is a wondrous place to tell stories and make art. In some cases, it is to put new and controversial ideas in front of audiences. In a few cases, and the one we report on today, it is to dredge up a perfectly fine show and butcher it with an ongoing pandemic. A theater director at UNL has decided to push the limits of what audiences will sit through by staging an updated production of Jonathan Larson’s classic RENT. This rock opera which premiered on Broadway in 1996, tells the story of artists living in New York City during the AIDS epidemic.

Stupid idiot falls on ice! MAGGIE RIECKMAN STAFF WRITER

At 10 am central on Thursday, February 11, freshman marketing major Tate Raton fell on his ass outside of COB with a total of 7 eyewitnesses. It was an extremely icy day with no visibility and 50 mph wind. “I really don’t get how he managed to fall...he kinda defied physics,” freshman Kristoff Nown. “He got up and kept walking like nothing happened. He’s so brave,” said senior Tracey Vyrb. “I was so fucking embarrassed for him. I don’t know how he’s ever gonna show his face in class again,” admitted faculty member Dr. Kauma Raton walked back to his dorm after his fall, thinking nothing of it. He told us, “Oh yeah, I guess I remember falling. My ass hurt for a few days. Wait...how did you know about that?” Little did he know, word of the incident traveled across campus like wildfire, and Raton’s reputation was obliterated just like that. As we speak, his girlfriend is breaking up with him, his parents are disowning him, and his pet cat is walking outside of the window of his 4th floor dorm room. “All because I had to go and fall on my ass like an idiot,” Raton said. Word on the street is that Raton dropped out of college and got a job for UNL landscaping removing snow and ice. Rather than turn his back on the world and people in it, Raton is giving back and preventing kids like him from making the same mistake.

Many students are against this production. “It just seems tasteless to me,” says Senior Sara Grace, “it’s taking something that did not need a change, at least to the plot. I mean some songs were bad, but it’s changing the whole meaning of the show. It is like the COVID themed TV shows. I don’t want to see the real world on my TV let alone on stage.” Though many Upperclassmen have decided to protest this show, freshmen are using it as an opportunity to get noticed in the department. Freshman Marc Franklin is excited for the show since he “doesn’t get many opportunities as a freshman, but maybe this will be my big break.” At this point, UNL has not released a statement on the condition of the show, but it should premier on October 29th this fall.

The Modern Anarchist’s Cookbook: ARE YOU? A COP? Volume one WHAT STAFF WRITER Welcome to the newest column in the DailyER. The Modern Anarchist’s Cookbook is a passion project of mine that I have always wanted to pursue, and luckily the DailyER is the place that will allow me to do it. The original Anarchist’s Cookbook is outdated, and if you ask me a bit old fashioned, and I have always wanted to update it for a modern audience. So each issue, as long as I don’t get questioned by the feds, will contain a recipe from my upcoming magnum opus The Modern Anarchist’s Cookbook. It will be available everywhere except airports, government buildings, and military institutions. The first recipe is near and dear to my heart because it contains my favorite food, Bread! Bread is a great meal to share with comrades during a protest and it is easy to toast over a burning cop car. The recipe I have for you today is extremely customizable and will allow you to make it your own every time.

Recipe # 1 Anarchy Bread This bread answers to no one’s authority Total Time ~3 hours

Ingredients Flour, Yeast, Salt, Warm Water, Anything You Want To Add To The Loaf Of Bread Utensils Your Second Favorite Mug, Medium Large Mixing Bowl, Flat Baking Sheet, Oven Safe Pan With High Walls, Knife, Washcloth or dishtowel, Oven mitts

Instructions 1. In your bowl combine 2 ½ mugs worth of flour, a packet of yeast (or 2 ¼ teaspoons if packets are not available), and a few pinches of salt. 2. To make your bread your own add any spices, cheeses, or any other ingredients to your bowl. I have done a garlic, parmesan, and herb loaf and a cranberry and brown sugar loaf before. Have fun and experiment. 3. Add a mug full of warm water to your bowl and with your hands mix all ingredients. If it is too sticky to handle, add a pinch of flour. If it is too dry, add a tiny bit of warm water. Continue to work the dough until it forms up into something you can pick up without it clinging to your finger. Then set in the base of your bowl and cover with a cloth for an hour. 4. Take that hour to let it rise and go do something else. This recipe is great for busy days because it does not require a lot of time and attention. 5. After that hour is up, put flour onto your counter (and clean it if needed) and bring your dough onto the flour. Use flour on your hands to prevent the dough from sticking, and then gently knead the dough. I recommend looking up how to do this if you have not seen it because it is nearly impossible to explain over text. 6. Once your dough is ready, gently flour a flat baking pan. This will make a free form loaf. In reality, you can use whatever pan you want, there are no rules. Just remember to add flour to the base, and grease it if your pan is not nonstick. Then cover with a cloth for an hour to let it rise and relax again. 7. While waiting, preheat your oven to 400 F (200 C). Take your tall sided pan and add a mug of water to it. Set that pan on the bottom shelf of your oven while it is preheating, this will make your crust nice and crispy. 8. Once your hour is up, take a knife and cut the top of your bread. Then sprinkle a bit of flour on it. For your final time to be creative, you can add a flavorful crust. I like to put parmesan cheese or brown sugar depending on my earlier ingredients. 9. Finally set in the over for 45 minutes. At approxi-

Guy eats entire box of Cheez-Its in one WHITE sitting JAMES MEDIA MANAGER

mately the 30 minute mark, take the pan with the water out to brown your crust more. This is not required, and depending on how much water is there it can be dangerous. Your bread will still be delicious if the water stays in the whole time. 10. Once your timer is done, take out your bread and check if it is done. To check, roll the bread over and knock on the bottom. If it sounds hollow then your bread is almost ready. If it does not sound hollow, put the bread in for a few more minutes. 11. Finally, take the bread out and set it on a rack to cool. If you do not have a rack like me, then set it on a folded washcloth. Wait 20 to 30 minutes for it to finish cooking on the inside. 12. Enjoy! <3

When Joseph Gretski reported eating an entire box of the Kellogg’s brand “Cheez-Its” we were not initially impressed. After all, any drunk/stressed/ overeating student could find themselves accidentally demolishing a box of the yummy, savory snack at one point or another. However, Joseph had not eaten your standard 12.4-ounce box of Cheez-Its. He hadn’t even eaten an entire box of their “family-sized” box, which is almost double the size at 21-ounces. No, Joseph had eaten an entire 3-pound box in just one sitting. Said box contains two 24-ounce bags within it, meaning that Joseph had not only opened and completely emptied the first bag, but then willingly opened and finished the entirety of the second bag as well. One can only wonder what combination of stress and/or inebriation allowed for Joseph to accomplish such a task, especially since when we asked him to elaborate, he responded that he doesn’t remember anything after the first bag. Such a feat is awe-inspiring (if not a little terrifying) and so, we would like to give a solid congratulations to Joseph Gretski on what may be one of the greatest accomplishments of his lifetime.

We ranked all 141 UNL majors because we have nothing better to do CHRIS GOERING STAFF WRITER

You ever wonder how your major stacks up against all other majors at UNL? You ever wonder what the hell those people at The DailyER do anyways? Well you’re in the right spot because we decided to rank all 141 UNL majors because, um, we ran out of things to do. Let’s get this started! 141. PGA Golf Management Yeah, this is normally the unique major everyone says UNL has to make the school look cooler, but that doesn’t phase me. Besides, golf is a boring sport anyways. 140. Agronomy Not going to lie, I thought this said “Astronomy” on the list first and it would have been number one because stars are cool, but soil management? Pass. 139. Child, Youth and Family Studies/Journalism and Mass Communications Why is the name of this major so long? And aren’t those two separate things? 138. Hospitality, Restaurant and Tourism Management – CASNR Wait, what’s a travel industry doing in the College of Animal Science and Natural Resources??? 137. Secondary Education (German) There are so many Secondary Education majors on this list, so I guess I gotta space them out. 136. Secondary Education (Latin) Let’s knock two of these out right now, plus, isn’t Latin a dead language anyways? Et tu, Brute? 135. Marketing I had to put a major from the College of Business near the bottom. Sorry, Marketing. 134. Integrated Science I had to look up what this major was and I’m still kind of confused on what it is, so I’m just gonna rank it here. 133. Architectural Engineering – Omaha That’s kind of awkward that University of Nebraska-Lincoln has a major you can only do in Omaha… 132. Environmental Studies – CAS It seems like a lot of these majors you can take in TWO different colleges and it makes ranking them much harder. Why, UNL, WHY?! 131. Mathematics Calculator machine go brrrrrr. 130. Applied Science Another one I had to look up and still kind of really have no clue what this is. 129. Applied Climate Science It’s like Applied Science, but with a hint of weather! 128. Computer Engineering – Omaha Another one you can only take in Omaha… Maybe we should change the school’s name to UNLO, am I right??? 127. Plant Biology – CAS All I can think of is the quote from Wall-E. “Give me the plant!” 126. Agricultural and Environmental Sciences Communication This one sounds like four separate majors combined into one. 125. Geography The Earth is flat. *mic drop* 124. Hospitality, Restaurant and Tourism Management – CEHS I just noticed UNL doesn’t use the Oxford comma in their major names. I’m about to throw hands. 123. Turfgrass and Landscape Management “Now your back’s gonna hurt, because you just pulled landscaping duty.” God, I love Happy Gilmore. 122. French J’ai une douleur intense, aidez-moi s’il vous plaît! 121. Agribuisness – CoB Agribuisness: it’s like creating synergy between agriculture and business. Yeah, I just used

the word synergy. I heard it in a podcast one time. 120. Water Science It’s wet. 119. Grassland Ecology and Management Oh hell yeah, manage that grassland! 118. Mechanized System Management If you thought “MSM” stood for “Mainstream Media,” you’re wrong. It actually stands for “Mechanized System Management.” 117. Secondary Education (Social Science) Let’s get another one of these out of the way. 116. Textiles, Merchandising, Fashion Design (Merchandising) Oh, so NOW you want to use the Oxford comma? Everyone’s a critic. 115. Accounting Hey, I promise I’m not committing tax fraud! 114. Russian Дурак, я занимаюсь налоговым мошенничеством! 113. Insect Science Ew, bugs. 112. Elementary Education This major must be so easy. It’s elementary, my dear Watson. Hahahaha get it?!? 111. Global Studies Mr. Worldwide! 110. Economics – CAS All the podcasts of a business major, with all the wonderful VSCO filters of an arts major! 109. Biological Systems Engineering A biologist and an engineer walk into a bar. 108. Actuarial Science – CAS “I’m an actuary. I can work anywhere!” – Ron’s dad in Kim Possible 107. Natural Resource and Environmental Economics Have you seen those gas prices recently? 106. Secondary Education (Biology) I should honestly do a separate ranking of just the different secondary education majors. So many to choose from! 105. Anthropology I have absolutely no justification for putting Anthropology at #105. But whatevs! 104. Nutrition, Exercise and Health Science Oh, back to no Oxford comma, huh? Fine, I’ll, just, have, to, make, up, for, all, these, missing, commas! 103. Agricultural Economics Because “Agrieconomics” just doesn’t quite roll off the tongue. 102. Athletic Training Just rub some dirt on it! 101. Secondary Education (Family and Consumer Science) I got to make a penguin pillow in my middle school family and consumer science class. I miss those days. 100. Supply Chain Management Keeping it 💯 with Supply Chain Management! 99. Textiles, Merchandising, Fashion Design (Communications) I can’t imagine people in this major ever come up with new ideas. They are all so clothes-minded! *ba dum tss* 98. Philosophy I do not think, therefore I do not am 97. Microbiology – CAS Let’s give it up for MIIIIICCCRROOOOO….. 96. Microbiology – CASNR …BIIIIIIOOOOLLLOOOOGGGYYYYYYYY!!!!!! 95. Landscape Architecture Classes will take place at Four Seasons Total Landscaping, taught by Professor Rudy Giuliani 94. Secondary Education (Business) Let’s get a few more of these out of the way! Stonks! Continue on the next page --->

10 We ranked all 141 UNL majors because we have nothing better to do (part 2) 93. Secondary Education (Russian) Потерял все свои деньги на фондовом рынке. 92. Pre-Law DUN DUN… That’s the Law and Order sound effect if you haven’t seen – oh you have seen it? Okay, cool. 91. Agricultural Education If you have to major in Agricultural Education to teach Agricultural Education, who was the first teacher of Agricultural Education…? Makes you think. 90. Agribusiness – CASNR Do Agribusiness majors trade on the… stalk market? Get it? STALK market? Stay tuned for so many more terrible jokes. 89. Environmental Studies – CASNR I am going to create an environment that is so toxic. 88. Early Childhood Education in a Mobile Society This is so amazingly specific… I’m not even mad, that’s kind of cool. 87. History ALIENS!!! Haha, just kidding! Unless… :O 86. Horticulture *27 houseplants later…* 85. Emerging Media Arts I don’t know what this is and I’m too afraid to ask. 84. Forensic Science If class isn’t just watching CSI reruns, then I don’t want it. 83. Interior Design College guys just hang up a “Saturdays are for the boys” flag and call that interior design. 82. Physics “Fuckin’ magnets, how do they work?” -The greatest band of all time, Insane Clown Posse. 81. Animal Science I had a statistics class in the Animal Science building and I honestly have no idea how or why that’s where that class was. 80. Secondary Education (Spanish) ¿Alguien puede enviarme diez mil dólares? 79. Political Science Yeah, I have no comment on this one. 78. Film Studies I signed up for a Letterboxd account this year, which officially makes me a cinephile. 77. Food Science and Techonology I feel like I would have to pack so many snacks for class as I would always be hungry. 76. Secondary Education (Earth and Space Science) “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars… or in the cold dead of space where you can’t breathe, your eyes will explode, your blood will boil, and nobody can hear you scream.” 75. Textiles, Merchandising, Fashion Design (Fashion Design) I honestly learned all my fashion design tips from Queer Eye. Thanks, Tan France. 74. Finance Alright, which stonks do I invest in today, stonk market expert? GameStop to the MOON! 73. Sports Media and Communication Yes, go sports! Pass that touchdown! Slam that dunk! Home that run! 72. Music Education I got a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell! 71. Pre-Criminology and Criminal Justice Don’t want to lean more “ACAB” and don’t want to lean more “Pray for Police,” so this major is landing in the exact center of our rankings. 70. Plant Biology The scene in Jumanji where the plant tries to drag in Peter still haunts me to this day. That movie was so unbelievably creepy to watch at a young age, but I still

love it. 69. Actuarial Science – CoB This was my major in college and I’m making these rankings, so I put it at #69. Nice. 68. Secondary Education (Physics) Somewhere out there, a middle school physics teacher has a website called “Let’s Get Physics-al.” I just know it. 67. Theatre (Performance) I wrote a script about the dictionary for my local theatre. It was a play on words. 66. Business Administration Yeah, administrate that business!!! 65. Electrical Engineering Bro, I swear I was doing wires in electrical. 64. Construction Management That construction ain’t gonna manage itself! 63. Management That management ain’t gonna manage itself! 62. Secondary Education (French) Ma dame, aimeriez-vous jouer parmi nous avec moi? 61. English English, motherfucker, do you speak it?!?! 60. Meteorology and Climatology Why did the weatherman take a leave of absence after breaking both arms and both legs? He would have trouble working with the four casts!!! Hahahahahaha I don’t have many friends. 59. Communication Studies If you ever get locked out of your house, just bend down and start speaking directly to the knob because communication is key. 58. Human Development and Family Science Bill Nye the Human Development and Family Science Guy. 57. Graphic Design I still, to this day, don’t understand how BBC paid $1.8 million for their current logo to be designed. 56. Fisheries and Wildlife Dewford Town was the place to catch Wailmers in Pokémon Emerald, the best Pokémon game (don’t @ me). 55. Veterinary Science Ruff. Bark. Bow-wow. 54. Pre-Health Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because you take my breath away. 53. Secondary Education (Science) God, I miss the days of the teacher rolling in the TV on a cart and putting on Bill Nye. That’s all I want. 52. Geology This major rocks!!! Look, that was too good, I couldn’t pass that one up. 51. Architecture Look, I’m just here for the big urinal in the Architecture building. 50. Art “Earth” without “art” is just “eh.” It’s a good thing “eh” means “mediocre” and not “totally fucking awesome.” 49. Agribusiness – CASNR Looking back, I ranked Agribusiness – CoB at #121. CASNR for the win! 48. Civil Engineering A civil engineer was fired after forgetting how to design electricity-designing water barriers. He lost his dam mind. 47. Economics – CoB Saying “trickle-down economics” during class even though I’ve got no fucking idea what it means. 46. Construction Engineering I had a great joke about construction, but I’m still working on it. Got to hammer out a few kinks. I just don’t want to screw it up. ----> Continue on next page

Girls forgets class is in person, calls professor dumb shit JAMES WHITE MEDIA MANAGER

If there is anything that the past few semesters of college have taught us to do, it’s to become adaptable to our learning environments. Unfortunately for Sarah Luvenia, that wasn’t the case during a class in her first week back on campus this semester. She explained how her status as a freshman allowed her to fall into the predicament that was calling her professor a “dumb shit.” “Upper-classmen don’t realize this, but us sophomores and freshmen, this more online-focused style of learning is all we know now. Only those of us who started in Fall of 2019 knew what regular in-person classes were like, and I just joined last semester. Online classes are how I have learned my entire college career, and so when I found out that all of my classes were in-person this semester, my brain did not catch up. Next thing you know, I am casually calling my professor a dumb shit for assigning too much homework on the first week of class in front of everyone. I didn’t even realize it at first, my friend Tracey had to point it out to me. Luckily the professor didn’t seem to care too much, but they definitely heard it. To be honest, the fact that they haven’t said anything about it to me is stressing me out more than if they had just chewed me out right then and there. I think they’re playing mind games with me, and I am losing because I can’t hide behind my screen in my room anymore. I am terrified of going back, and in fact I am thinking of dropping that class just to avoid the tension. Please for the love of all that is good just let me go back to my online classes.”

We ranked all 141 UNL majors because we have nothing better to do (part 3) 45. Classics and Religious Studies A priest walks into a bar. He says ow and rubs his head. 44. Biochemistry – CASNR (tie) I honestly could not decide which Biochemistry major was better, so they are tied in the rankings. 44. Biochemistry – CAS (tie) I spent countless hours studying course material, reading professor reviews, reviewing school-specific electives, and interviewing students in each program. They are dead even. 42. Broadcasting Broadcasting > podcasting. 41. Advertising and Public Relations To anyone in this major: just promise me you won’t make anything like that atrocious GrubHub commercial from last year, mmkay? 40. Computer Engineering Let’s give it up for computer engineering! [“hip”, “hip”] 39. Finance Every finance major is required to get into bitcoin mining. It’s required to get your degree. 38. German Really, please could someone send me ten thousand dollars? This isn’t a joke. 37. Nutrition Science My nutrition store ran out of protein powder today. I was like “no whey!” 36. Secondary Education (English) Okay, I’m just going to finish these off! 35. Secondary Education (Language Arts) I was trying to space these out, but it became tough to keep track on my spreadsheet. 34. Secondary Education (Chemistry) Yeah, I used a spreadsheet to make this list. I ain’t gonna remember all the names of these majors, man. 33. Secondary Education (Mathematics) And rounding all the Secondary Education majors out with Mathematics! Math = Awesome! 32. Sociology You want to know which class sociology majors have the most difficulty with? The bourgeoisie! 31. Spanish ¿Alguno de ustedes ha estado traduciendo estos? 30. Textiles, Merchandising, Fashion Design (Merchandising) I just realized all of the ones grouped into Textiles, Merchandising, Fashion Design were then broken out individually into Textiles, Merchandising, and Fashion Design. Why? 29. Theatre (Design/Technical Production) I was on the theatre tech team during high school! I almost lit the curtains on fire during a rehearsal of The Wizard of Oz. Whoops! 28. Veterinary Technology I can only think of that episode of Rick and Morty where Snuffles becomes a mech dog and takes over the nation with his mech dog pals. What a crazy show! 27. Food Technology for Companion Animals Ruff. Bark. Bow-wow. But with food! 26. Environmental Science I hear every class in this major starts off with global warming. It’s a real ice-breaker. 25. Agricultural Engineering To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. 24. Art History and Criticism Art History AND Criticism???!!! Sign me up!!! 23. Chemistry I was trying to think of a good chemistry pun, but all the good ones Argon. 22. Chemical Engineering Damn it, I should have saved that glass half full joke for this major. Oh well. I have nothing funny to say about this major. 21. Computer Science

Man buys flowers, only to get LIZZIE HUNTER rejected by himself STAFF WRITER A man thought he was sly His friends believing he bought flowers for a woman who caught his eye Was her camera on within Zoom while the Wi-fi was still intact? Will their first date be better than the UNL marriage pact? Would rejection come swift and slow like a kick to the groin? Would be it be successful like his small investment in Doge Coin? His friends question where nothing less time filler For his date was just as believable as Ted Cruz being the Zodiac Killer He bought flowers for a lady though what they thought was not the same For whom it was from was someone who shared the same name

Sending the Valentine’s gift to his place He would receive the flowers as a kind gesture and leaving no trace A calculated plan his friends would surely miss A clever plan to hide his very open loneliness He left a note within the flowers, with a small message so tender However when receiving a new message, reading; “Return to Sender”.

There are 10 types of programmers. Those who understand Binary and those who don’t. 20. Elementary Education and Early Childhood Education [Insert recycled “this major is easy because it’s elementary” joke here] 19. Mechanical Engineering Bow down to our mechanical overlords! 18. Physical Therapy Alexa, play “Physical” by Olivia Newton-John. 17. Pre-Veterinary Medicine I was hoping my dog could get some medicine to help him feel better. He’s been feeling kind of ruff. 16. Psychology Once you start making Freudian slips, it’s just one after a mother. 15. Journalism They have a journalism program at UNL? That’s news to me! 14. Biological Sciences Girl, you’re so hot, you denature my proteins! 13. Community Health and Wellness Good thing there isn’t a global pandemic going around that would be a harm to the health and wellness of many communities across the globe, right guys? 12. Dance The “Hi, I’m Renata Bliss and I’m your freestyle dance teacher” vine lives rent-free in my head. 11. Communication Sciences and Disorders These next few majors, I would walk a thin line making fun of, so I am just going to not make fun of them. I also think I miscounted when counting the number of majors, so I’m just going to group them all at #11 and call it a day lmao. 11. Elementary Education & Special Education (K-6) Elementary Education & Special Education (K-6), let’s hear it! 11. Ethnic Studies Let’s keep it going with Ethnic Studies! 11. Inclusive Early Childhood Education Give it up for Inclusive Early Childhood Education! 11. International Business Would not trade this major for anything! 11. Latin America Studies Rejoice, it’s Latin America Studies! 11. Special Education (7-12) Woohoo, a big shoutout to Special Education (7-12). 11. Women’s and Gender Studies Women’s and Gender Studies! Awesome! 5. Software Engineering Alright, back to our regular scheduled programming of making fun of UNL majors. 4. Music My ex-girlfriend said I had bad taste in music. If I agreed with her, we would both be wrong. Fuck you, Kylie. 3. Medieval and Renaissance Studies This major just sounds so badass. God, if I could redo college, I would have done this major. Medieval studies?!?! So fucking awesome. 2. Undecided I think this major would have been #1 if I could have decided on my true opinions on the major earlier on. 1. Grassland Systems Holy shiiiiiittttt, give it up for the absolute best major there is, has been, and ever will be at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln! If you want the satisfaction of being the coolest person on campus and doing amazing work that affects our whole society, choose this major. You will not go wrong with Grassland Systems!