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February 8, 2018

Volume 12, Issue 7

2 Editor’s Note from Kellie Wasikowski The DailyER editor-in-chief

I’m running out of things to say because all I want to do is watch ANIME! I love One Piece! Shoutout to Olivia for the mashup illustration of two lights in my life. Who has casted their love-love beam on me: Luffy or The DailyER? The world may never know. Kellie Wasikowski

CODE OF CONDUCT These are the guidelines outlining the ethical and moral responsibilities and proper practices for staff members of UNL’s Alternative News Source. The DailyER is meant to be a satirical and at times radical news zine, presenting current news in a false or comical light, while simultaneously featuring “serious” entertainment reviews, interviews, etc. Due to the nature of social satire - indefinite in regard to standards of approbation - The DailyER and the Publications Board of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln have deemed it necessary to adopt a code of conduct. The following is a list of standards characterizing what is and what is not suitable for publication in The DailyER: - No editing or cleaning up of language shall occur when conducting a true interview (Entertainment Section). We believe that editing one’s language skews the reader’s perception of the interviewee. - The use of profanity in satirical news articles shall not occur unless its usage bears an intended effect on the meaning of the article. - No limits shall be placed on the strength of language used. All words considered profane are on an equal playing field, but none are to be used unless in the situations described above. - Nudity shall be limited to the hind side of an individual; however, photos of individuals wearing clothing that accentuates other areas of the body are acceptable but to be used sparingly and in good taste. - The DailyER shall not be a biased, subjective or partisan newspaper. It will strive at all times to cover all issues and all groups equally. - All university officials, administrators and faculty members are liable to be cited and/or quoted incorrectly in satirical news articles written by members of The DailyER; however, stories must be overtly bogus in order to dispel any beliefs that information within the articles is in any way true. - Being a satirical news zine, The DailyER may, at times, offend target groups and therefore bears the responsibility of being criticized as anti-(insert group here). One goal of The DailyER is to be known as “fair in its offenses,” meaning that no one group shall bear the brunt of the joke. - The DailyER shall follow the AP Style Guide. - The DailyER shall follow all rules set forth by the UniversityWide Student Publications Committee’s Guidelines for the Student Press-Revised Edition.


P. 16-17




No budget? No problem! UNL is getting a sleek new redesign that doesn’t need any of that dumb state money!


Read up on February’s big music festival in downtown Lincoln! P. 19


P. 12-15

Thanks to recently proposed budget cuts by Nebraska Governor Pete Ricketts, the University of Nebraska-Lincoln is slimming down and looking better than ever! Here’s a first look at just a few of the exciting features you can expect from the new, lightweight, easier-to-use UNL LiteTM experience!


A SQUIRREL T.A.? Read up on a smart young campus squirrel who’s helping out in your nearest physics classroom.




Get ready to see some downsizing at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln in the coming months! No, not the movie starring Matt Damon. In late January, The UNL Board of Regents announced plans to blow up a couple more buildings on campus to cut the costs of utilities and maintenance in those buildings. “We believe this is the most efficient way to cover the budget gap proposed by Governor Ricketts,” said UNL Chancellor Ronnie Green. “Our current plan is to have the building demolitions on the same night as the 2018 End of the Year Bash. No better way to end the year than watching a few buildings collapse!” Initial nominees for the next buildings to be leveled at UNL include the new College of Business, the currently unfinished Health Center, Cather Dining Complex and Bessey Hall, to which Chancellor Green responded, “I didn’t even know we had a building called Bessey Hall.” —Chris Goering

Tired of always getting locked out of your room? Annoyed by the responsibility of having to keep track of a room key? Done with responsibility and order in general? Well, you’re in luck, because UNLLite™ has the solution for you! No more keys! UNL got rid of them! Next year the entire university will be transferring to a 100% open door policy. I mean open doors, no locks, and no keys. Sounds like chaos, right? Chancellor Ronnie Green thinks that’s the wrong way to think about it. “Nebraskans and our students are an honorable people. I fully believe this will cause no problems whatsoever,” Green said in a comment to prospective students. The rules go: the first time you try to get into a building or room you’re not supposed to be in, Green himself will order Herbie Husker to give you a stern talking-to about the principles of honorable conduct. After a second violation, you will be forced into a trial by combat against Lil’ Red. —Duncan Moore

Thanks to the super cool and recent budget enhancements, certain professors around UNL have started asking their students to leave a few extra dollars in a tip jar after class. Isn’t that totally awesome? It’s just like when you dropped a fiver in that bucket at the sandwich place with the guy who had a really cool beard. It’s time you started treating your professors on campus like cool guys with beards. Not only is this a fantastic way to help improve your instructors’ salaries, but it allows you as a student to show truly how great your appreciation for higher education is. Thanks to tipping, UNL will no longer require those long, useless class evaluation forms, and will now evaluate course satisfaction based on the charity money collected after class. So help save the trees and your professors’ job security by throwing a couple dollars into their briefcase! — Damon Barr


Get The DailyER’s hottest tips to make this the best holiday yet with your new campus sweetie.

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Kellie Wasikowski editor-in-chief

Nolan Cooney media director

Efren Cortez Seeds Entertainment editor

Chris Goering A/V coordinator

Chris Bowling designer

Senior staff writers Ray Kydney H. Jackson Ryley Hubbard Peggy Morris

Nick Kuklinski copy editor

Staff Writers Michael Bagazinski Damon Barr Olivia Bigba Meryl Sahouet Carolyn Brady Daniel Gertner Mikie Brown Chris Brummett Lewis Cobb Nyadet Dojiok Evan Hoylman Elsa Knight Duncan Moore Adam Mortensen


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News in Brief a quick guide to what’s happening now

UNL cancels weather for classes MICHAEL BAGAZINSKI STAFF WRITER In a recent statement made by the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, school chancellor Ronnie Green announced that the university is “canceling weather” after a weather fiasco caused a video of a student doing a failed cartwheel to be featured on ESPN. “Due to the unpredictability of weather combined with our lack of common sense, we decided to end our bondage with mother nature. It is canceled. We will no longer have to worry about being embarrassed on ESPN ever again,” Chancellor Green said with an uncomfortable chuckle. “It is canceled. Done. Canceled. The only frost we should be worried about is the Frost that comes in August, and that may have to be canceled too. It’s all just very unpredictable.” Following up on this controversial statement, Chancellor Green took a few questions but cut the press conference short due to what he called, “unnecessary” and “rude” criticisms made questioning his knowledge about weather.



Chancellor Green wants to switch to Minecraft based education system

Loose hairs in Harper dorm shower actually map to ancient treasure

Mitch McConnell exposed as one giant neck LEWIS COBB STAFF WRITER If his stance on policies didn’t gross you out enough, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell added one more reason to hate him to the list. On a gusty Tuesday in Washington D.C., a DailyER investigative reporter was tailing McConnell in an effort to expose him saying indecent things about the president but discovered something much more sinister: Mitch McConnel is a 5’10” neck. Our reporter witnessed McConnell wearing his

famous trench coat when a heavy blast of wind revealed he is nothing more than a swaying pillar of skin, not unlike that of a snood that hangs from the mouth of a turkey. The horrified reporter said it was like seeing a bag of flesh. Although McConnell denies these claims in a statement from his office over the weekend, he has yet to be seen publicly since the incident. He is suspected to be under the Arlington bridge, harassing people to answer his riddle of how to repeal Obamacare.

March Madness bracket already busted SORORITY GALENTINES DAY GONE WRONG:

Gals no longer pals

Ambitious squirrel lands gig as physics teaching assistant “No, you’re not seeing the problem from the right angle! You have to crack this nut, you buffoon!” shrieked 6-year-old squirrel Arnold Grassworth, born somewhere near Love Library, as he helped a confused freshman in the physics resource center in Jorgensen Hall. Arnold’s story is one of constant struggle and woe. Everyone told him he would never be able to learn how to speak English, let alone attend his dream school at the University of Southern California, yet he has defied all expectations. He has become an excellent student of particle and high energy physics and now attends the University of Nebraska-Lincoln as a grad student. Dr. Kravchenko, professor of the gifted freshman physics course PHYS 211, was at first reluctant to take such an admittedly unusual teaching assistant under his wing, however, soon he found it impossible to deny Grassworth’s dedication and professionalism. “Arnold always shows up right on time and is prepared for the day’s work. He even has an amazing sense of fashion to boot!” Kravchenko said. “Honestly, I think he’s the only one of my TAs who has even managed to get a date.” Unknown to Dr. Kravchenko, Grassworth actually has had many relationships and currently takes care of around 15 children as a single dad. But Grassworth’s meteoric rise has rubbed some people the wrong way. Especially some freshman who have come to the physics resource center desperately seeking answers, only to find no one there. Freshman mechanical engineering student, Jared Wrightsman, is one of the most outspoken. “Come on man!” Wrightsman exclaimed. “The chemistry resource center is a whole compound with study rooms, computers and TAs to help you all the time. What the hell is the physics room?! It’s just a tiny room with a table and some chairs but no one inside!” Grassworth, however, has insisted he’s never missed a shift at the resource center. Still, the criticism continued. “15 kids? Jesus Christ, I’m beginning to regret taking this guy, he’s only got like two years left in his lifespan right?” Dr. Kravchenko said when he learned of Grassworth’s vast family line. An anonymous source inside the physics faculty attempted to defend Grassworth, saying: “Arnold is like, always there, you guys just can’t notice him behind the chair because, I still can’t believe I’m saying this, he’s a squirrel.”

Four-star standout accounting major commits to UNL CHRIS GOERING A/V COORDINATOR Hype around the University of Nebraska-Lincoln seems to be growing by the day. With a recent national volleyball championship title, a promising new football coaching staff and the men’s and women’s basketball teams outperforming their expectations, it is safe to say that the time is right to be a Husker fan. But none of these accomplishments can quite top the announcement from Nebraska on National Signing Day 2018. Nathaniel Goldberg, a four-star standout accounting major from Lincoln, NE, has announced his commitment to the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. Goldberg, currently a senior at Lincoln Southeast High School, has wowed admissions staff since his freshman year. “He’s always been fast at balancing the books, auditing financial reports and preparing balance sheets,” admissions staff member John Couch said. “Goldberg is the kind

of guy we want representing the University of Nebraska. I’m really happy we were able to get his commitment.” “I’ve always had a passion for numbers,” Goldberg said in his National Signing Day interview. “I am so blessed for the opportunity to study accounting at Nebraska. It’s crazy to see how far I’ve come since my freshman year of high school. None of this would have been possible without my family and, most of all, God. I give all glory to God as He guides me on this journey.” Goldberg’s academic advisor said he will play a key role inside and outside of the classroom. “I imagine he’s going to lead several important projects in his four years at UNL,” said Jacob Jones. “He truly is a special talent and I’m honored to be able to work with such a bright individual in Goldberg. I’m excited to see the future of our program and, hopefully, we can improve every day he’s here.” Scouting reports say Goldberg’s talents could have the potential to push Nebraska back into the top 25 for accounting programs in the nation. Along with this, early

UNL introduces new size-inclusive mascot line MIKIE BROWN STAFF WRITER Since Lil’ Red’s inception in 1993, he has arguably become the University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s token mascot representative. Herbie Husker will always be heralded as a great mascot but there is no denying that Lil’s innocence, character, and infectious joy has drawn Husker Nation closer to him and to each other. However, Red’s influence may loom too large. Five-foot-eleven Nebraska senior Makenna Foreman claims Lil’ Red’s popularity may be having a negative effect on students’ self-esteem. “Sure, he’s like six-feet tall in person, but that doesn’t change the fact that he has glorified the idea of being ‘lil’,’” Foreman said. “When I came to UNL as a freshman, it was really hard not seeing anyone with my body type representing our school and owning up to it.” After years of petitioning the school board, Chancellor Ronnie Green has finally addressed Foreman’s concerns. “We intend to add an additional four mascots to UNL’s lineup in order to increase body positivity


predictions have Goldberg going to one of the four major accounting firms in the United States (Deloitte, PwC, E&Y, KPMG) upon Goldberg declaring for the National Accounting League Draft.

High school senior establishes dominance in red letter jacket on Red Letter Day EVAN HOYLMAN STAFF WRITER

and overall inclusivity,” Green said. Four new mascots were revealed in a press conference earlier this week, and the new body-posi line will include Skinny Red, Pear-Shaped Red, African-American Red and Large Red. According to an anonymous board member, Large Red ultimately won over the proposed Big Red, who would’ve already had his own chant, perpetuating further inequality. “I couldn’t be happier with the news,” Foreman said. “I adore Lil’ Red, but it’ll be so great seeing someone like me representing Husker Nation.” The new mascots will be officially introduced next month.

Red Letter Days are quite the affair at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, bringing in a multitude of eager students to tour Nebraska’s largest university, meet respected faculty and preemptively establish campus dominance. On Jan. 26, Keith Hampton, a Lincoln high school senior, wore his coveted high school letter jacket, securing permanent respect on the UNL campus. “He was pretty intimidating, honestly,” Adrian Larson, a fellow Red Letter Day attendee said. “[Hampton] walking around, talking like he owns this place. I certainly won’t be messing with him anytime soon.” The letter jacket in question, besides boldly displaying the name of a highly respected private high school, included letters in such intimidating activities as football, wrestling and basketball. Dominance was further established by a multitude of chevrons on both sleeves. “I’m totally ready for college,” Hampton said as he strutted directly down the middle of the sidewalk outside the Van Brunt Visitors Center. “Everyone at my [high] school loves me. College will be a piece of cake.” “I wouldn’t be surprised if I were voted UNL prom king in a few years,” Hampton added confidently after a brief pause, during which he glared at another attendee’s parent, who was standing in his way. The high school junior, who scored in the twentieth percentile on his latest standardized exam, provided further insight into his expected involvement on campus. “I’ve already been contacted by several fraternities,” Hampton said loudly enough to be heard from the other side of R Street. “I probably won’t even have to rush to be admitted, this jacket says it all.” Hampton, who will unsuccessfully appeal his rejection to the university in September, was last overheard telling strangers how much time he will spend at the Campus Rec Center.

6 Film Studies alum nominated for prestigious Oscar Isaac poster

PEGGY MORRIS STAFF WRITER Years after receiving his Bachelor’s in Film and New Media from the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, aspiring director Trevor Davidson is reaching new heights that most people his age do not reach. While he has never made a film outside of college, and has no prospects of ever becoming a working director, he’s somehow receiving accolades left and





right. Just last week, Davidson was announced as a finalist for an award that could change the fortunes of his life: an Oscar Isaac 27x40 poster that looks good on any wall. Davidson has steep competition for the prize but is confident that his pedigree will put him over the edge. “I stuffed the ballots pretty hard, I’d imagine I’ll have a 10:1 chance of someone drawing my name,” Davidson said. “If I get this Oscar Isaac poster, it would change my life, it would look so good in my room.” This is Davidson’s first nomination for the poster after two previous attempts to garner the award. If he were to win, he would be the first recipient to care about actually winning. Other nominees for the coveted prize acknowledged that the poster looks good, but they did not share the same passion as Davidson. “I mean, it’s a nice poster, but I’m not waiting with bated breath to win,” another finalist, Stacy Manson said. “I like Oscar Isaac, but framing it is going to be expensive, so I’ll probably just give it away.” Davidson may be the only one who cares whether he wins or loses, but he’s not letting his guard down. “I want this award, I want that Oscar. Gimme that poster,” Davidson yelled to a random crowd of people. “I’ll never achieve anything of as much significance as this poster right now.”

Low-paying, stressful, dead-end job The Publications Board is seeking someone who doesn’t know better to be next year’s editor of The DailyER. The editor-in-chief will hire, train and possibly fire the staff, proofread everything purporting to be stories, supervise its production (or lack, thereof) and distribution, and communicate with the general manager and the Publications Board. The editor reports to the UNL Publications Board, must be enrolled in at least 6 credit hours, maintain a 2.0 minimum G.P.A., and not be on academic probation (unlike former Daily Nebraskan editors). Applications are available at under “Work for Us” and must be submitted by noon, Feb 23. Make sure the front application page isn’t written in invisible ink. Contact Dan Shattil, 20 Nebraska Union,, for questions.



Nebrasketball’s explosive offense detonates, creates 50-mile blast radius RYLEY HUBBARD STAFF WRITER In an eruption that made the Pinnacle Bank Arena resemble a watermelon stuffed with an M-80, the Nebraska men’s basketball team accidentally played too hard against the Iowa Hawkeyes last Saturday, triggering a thermonuclear explosion and sending the state into fallout. The crowd of 15,268 were left saturated in radiation, causing fans to resemble sickly green glow sticks. “A basketball game and a rave? Neat!” local soccer mom Julie Cavner said. There was no difference among the Iowa fans and players, however, as anyone who likes black and yellow together must already be suffering from radiation poisoning. The surrounding 50 miles resembled something out of a dystopian scifi novel or modern-day Texas. Trees were unrooted, gnarled around street lamps and the ruins of decimated buildings. Cars were melted into concrete. Cats were chasing dogs. It was an abhorrent scene, one that raises the question of how far mankind is willing to push the limits of college basketball. “Is the development of genetic mutations really worth hanging 98 on Iowa?” anti-nuclear activist Iona Zashon said with teary eyes and a heavy heart. “People might think of me as a free radical, but I feel it’s our solemn duty to not let this happen again.” Still, others were convinced the display had been the best game of basketball they’d ever seen, despite being blinded by the brightness of the blast immediately afterward. “That was super rad! I’m so yolked!” the now two-headed UNL sophomore Jake Ulrich said. “I can’t wait to get tickets for the next game; I just hope they don’t charge me double.”



FEBRUARY 2018 For the month of February, the UNL Power Rankings showcase who’s up, who’s down and who’s keeping pace on the campus of UNL.

1. Henry Owens

Mechanical Engineering Professor

The only person unaffected by the budget cuts.

2. Cupid O’Daniel


The only time his name doesn’t sound ridiculous.

3. Rex Burkhead

Patriots Running Back, Former Husker

Super Bowl Champ? Also wanted by Massachusetts police for nearly breaking Tom Brady’s hand.

4. Lance Jimenez 5. Shelly Camp

Junior Freshman

Had Temperature Tuesday for both lunch and dinner!

6. Shaun White

Professional Snowboarder

During the Olympics, we are all Nebraskans and/or Americans!

7. Mason Cruz


Oversized man carries around undersized fern NICK KUKLINSKI COPY EDITOR Giraldo Bismarck, 35-year-old largely oversized Lincoln native, grew up in the cold, hardened public schooling system — a system run by bullies, stuck up parents and bitch-ass teachers. Such a hostile environment became a feeding frenzy for those who sought it necessary to beat down on the chubby youngster. Until the fourth grade, Bismarck found himself being an easy target for these sick freaks. “Fatty McFatterson, Largey McLargerson and Biggster McBiggumson,” they would all call him, as he was, again, a noticeably round boy. Then one day, he decided to do something about it. “I figured they can’t hunt down what they can’t find,” Bismarck said. “So, like a young peccary from South America, I sought it best to seek protection in the form of the vegetation surrounding me.”


Gave up vegan diet.

9. Lil’ Red


Lost 20 pounds. Congrats!

10. Dwayne Wade 11. Tim Miles

NBA Star Nebrasketball coach

Might actually keep his job.

12. Lady Bird

Movie Star

We are all Lady Bird!

13. Sam House 14. Lindsey Armstrong

From that day forward, wherever Bismarck would go, he would shelter himself behind the cover of the vascular, Costa Rican native potted plant: the fern. And it worked. Though dwarfed by comparison, the fern served as adequate cover for the youthful, large boy. “I was honestly as surprised as anyone,” Bismarck said. “It’s obvious that it’s me behind the fern.” Yet, those damned fools never spotted the sprung gut, Bismarck. Its effectiveness in his younger years proved so useful, he continues doing it to this day. Lugging around fern after fern with him throughout the entirety of his travels to avoid mean comments that most definitely had to of died down after high school. “You can never be too careful. It’s when you don’t expect them, they become the most dangerous,” Bismarck said, shifting his eyes to the left and right, remaining keenly aware of his surroundings. “I know this might seem excessive, but the fern has become a part of my life, it is who I am and who I was always destined to be.”

Robert Mueller gives up on the Russian Investigation after discovering all tampering was done from an incognito browser DANIEL GERTNER STAFF WRITER

Started a vegan diet.

8. Daisy Ellis

Calling the last seven months a royal waste of time, special counsel Robert Mueller announced he was giving up on the Russian investigation after discovering all tampering was done from an incognito browser. “Undoubtedly, there was extensive malicious, foreign influence in the 2016 presidential election,” Mueller said in a press conference early on Tuesday morning. “There were also a number of suspicious connections between President Trump’s campaign and powerful Russian business moguls and government members. Unfortunately, it has become apparent that there is no possible way for us to track these interactions as all foreign tampering was performed from an incognito browser on Google Chrome.” Mueller went on to say that the past months have consisted of endless clues that all led back to a single untrace-

able incognito browser. “The results of this investigation are a disappointment to myself, the American public and the world,” Mueller said. “But, as everybody knows, there is simply no way around an incognito browser. We just have to chalk this one up as a lost cause.” When questioned about the extent to which Mueller and his team attempted to find a way around the private browser, Mueller detailed the tireless efforts of the world’s brightest minds. “We tried everything,” Mueller said. “We even reached out to Edward Snowden, offering protection from any criminal prosecution and a safe return to the United States if he could crack the incognito browser. He just laughed and said it was beyond impossible.” Mueller concluded the press conference with a plea to foreign governments, begging that if they choose to interfere in future American elections, to at least have the decency to use a plain Mozilla Firefox browser.

Senior Lecturer

NEVER STOPS TALKING! Also ranked: 24. Alex Gordon, 31. Megan Bird, 49. Frank River, 57. Luke Wasika, 58. Patrick from Anth 201, 93. Suh, 94. Tyronn Lue, 95. Sally Beeck, 96. Herbie Husker, 97. Herbie Fully Loaded, 110. Jennifer Walsh, 122. Daniel Wendy, 143. John Cook, 150. Ameer Abdullah, 165. Alexis Yenney, 170. Timothee Chalamet, 171. Armie Hammer 199. Hank Bounds, 200. Daphne Crane, 360. Jack Palmer Gell, 690. Pete “the Ripper” PRickettes, 22256. Kaitlyn “Snowflake” Mullen


Mondays & Wednesdays 8:00





Southeast corner of the NE Union basement


SOUNDING OFF Opinions are like belly buttons: you can never have enough of them. In Sounding Off, The DailyER brings you the hottest takes from our expert staff writers on topics ranging from culture, biology, technology and citizen rights.

Opinion: All UNL Birds are Plastic

Cobb: Latest Kidz Bop is a total Kidz Flop

LEWIS COBB STAFF WRITER Recently, The DailyER was given a special copy of the latest “Kidz Bop 34” album ahead of its Jan. 20 release. Let me tell you, Kidz Bop referred to this album as a special edition, and it’s special alright; a special piece of crap. First, let’s start with the vocals. Whoever thought it was a

Opinion: Nature is bad


Hippies be damned: I don’t like them, their trees or their hugging. I hate the outside. I like buildings and I like being inside of them. Millions of years ago, dinosaurs ruled the world. They were big and couldn’t fit inside of caves. You know what could? Mammals. Mammals could. You know what happened to the dinosaurs? They died — they all died, because they’re stupid and lived life outside. Now, here we are. Alive and well. Yet, people still like being outdoors? Why? What do you have out there you don’t have inside the comfort of an indoors? Clouds? Big deal, clouds suck. Rain? We have showers, idiot. The fresh smell of nature, maybe? Use Febreze plugins, dammit.

good idea to jam 30 kids into a recording studio and hold the lyrics to some random pop song in front of them, thought wrong. The prepubescent males of the group could not hold a low note to save their life. It was like listening to the screeching motor of that car in the garage your Dad had as a teen and swears he’s “going to fix to brand new.” I mean, truly horrible. Let’s also talk about the song choice for this album. It’s 2018, we want something fresh; we want the sweet, calming sounds of kids spitting Cardi B’s “Bodak Yellow,” rather than the outdated “Closer,” by the Chainsmokers. This cast of kids also butchered Alessia Cara’s intimate “Scars to Your Beautiful,” by having 40 freaking kids yell it at you. This one seemed so obvious to me, like, it’s a song that’s supposed to be sung by one person, in a slow, passionate fashion. The essence was totally lost. Alright, I can’t do it anymore. Don’t buy this album. They still haven’t worked out the “kinks” on their thirty-fourth try. Not worth the $14.99 its going for.

The only thing nature has over the benefits of an indoor life is air conditioning - oh wait. It doesn’t have that either. Because nature sucks and shouldn’t be enjoyed by anyone ever. You people are dumb as hell. If you want a scenic view of mountains, google it. Don’t go to mountains, are you insane? They’re tall, pointy and a waste of time. Want to go camping? Here’s a quick suggestion: don’t. If you like camping, you like being stupid. I wish I could take a poll to see who actually prefers the outside. So I could email all of them a picture of me dropping a dookie in the toilet of the building dweller and stamp their photo on the visual representation of their dumb, stupid opinion that’s bad. They literally make no sense. Even all of their outdoor stores for outdooring: the Cabela’s’s, the Bass Pro Shops’s, the Dick’s Sporting Good’s? All INDOORS. INDOORS, DAMMIT. God, just stop being a moron and never leave your house - never there’s nothing outside but painful boredom, bugs and overall badness.

MIKIE BROWN STAFF WRITER When it comes to conversations about the abundance of wildlife at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, squirrels are always the favorite subject. Why is that? Are they really any better than, say, the birds? It's almost as if our brains have been conditioned to favor the fuzzy brown demons over any other creature, particularly ones with the power of flight. You may ask, who would do that? And why? Well, I'm here to tell you. All of UNL's birds are plastic. That's right. Have you ever really looked into the eyes of a campus bird? Like, really looked? They lack emotion, they lack drive and, ultimately, they lack humanity. Unlike literally every other animal on the face of the earth, I have never once desired to pet these "birds." Why there are no natural birds roaming around this particular area of Lincoln, I cannot say. I can definitively say, however, that our campus narrative neglects to include birds, unconsciously subjecting us to forgo the species as an important part of our university ecosystem. Nobody notices when they're there and nobody notices when they're gone. Truthfully, I blame Ronnie Green. Why is there a club dedicated to campus squirrels and not campus birds? Oh yeah, because they're not real, and the Ronald doesn't want us to figure it out. Well too late, pal. I know your secret. So next time you see a "bird" meandering around campus, light the little guy on fire or something. See what happens. (Spoiler alert: it's just going to melt.)


HUBBARD: Landlord should fix appliances, emotions RYLEY HUBBARD STAFF WRITER If you’ve ever rented before, you know the deal: your grubby landlord is as low-maintenance as his properties. His breath smells like late fees and his demeanor is as slouched as one of your living room walls. You’ve remind-

ed him repeatedly of the unstable foundation and constant parade of roaches, and simply want him to fix all of the faults within your studio apartment. Lately, however, you wish he’d repair your feelings. At times, the world can be as draining as your nonfunctional sink. Each morning, you gaze at the ever-widening canyons in your bathroom floor where the leaking water sinks. Like lost memories or your deposit, there’s simply no getting them back. You think to yourself, “If only there were laminate flooring that stopped the flow of time.” You sigh as your landlord waddles into your bathroom while sticking his 5 o’clock shadow in the space under the sink. You notice the obvious plumber’s crack, which re-

minds you of the gaps in your own life. And like a plumber’s crack, these can lead to hairy situations. As the landlord greasily tightens loose screws, it causes you to question whether you have a screw loose as well. “Am I crazy for thinking like this?” you wonder. “Is there a wrench in my life that can help hold me together?” As 5 o’clock shadow leaves and you soak alone in 6 inches of water, you realize for the first time in a long time that, like your apartment, life can certainly be imperfect. But if it weren’t for those flaws, there would be nothing to fix, nothing to appreciate. Despite your melancholy disposition, you can feel a tug at the corner of your mouth. For the first time in a long time, despite the mess, you smile.

lonely uncle jerry: i need to get a waifu

UNCLE JERRY LONELY MAN For the first time in 27 years, I'm going to be alone on Valentine's Day, and I need to vent. My wife Margaret left last summer after I was fired from my office job, and I decided to start a folk band instead of looking for a new job. It's been lonely, but after spending many hours on this World Wide Web, I've discovered these Japanese cartoons called "anime." After getting into some "anime," I ventured into the forums of 4Chan and learned about "waifus." A waifu is an animated character who a person feels a romantic attraction to, and I need to get me one of them. After digging further into the forums, I discovered that

there are websites where you can get a waifu printed onto a body pillow so you can hold onto something in your sleep. I might get that since I miss having Margaret in my arms as we fell asleep watching re-runs of "CSI: Miami." The forums also suggested that I can take a waifu body pillow out in public. Normally, I would think that would be weird, but I'm lonely and I want to show the world that I can be happy, even if it's with someone who is fictional. The first step in this process is to find a fictional character to fall in love with. Can anyone help me out with that? I need a character with big ole brown eyes and colored hair. I need something the opposite of my Margaret so I can try to get over her. If you have any suggestions, just add me on Facebook. Please.

We’re looking for writers, artists and graphic designers to be published in The DailyER and Seeds Entertainment. Come to a meeting on Monday or Wednesday at 8 PM in the southeast corner of the Nebraska Union basement. Or, just email

10 Boyfriend lost for a week in Forever 21, survives off forgotten McDonald’s bags

Funky Kong hired as new director of undergraduate research DUNCAN MOORE STAFF WRITER Mystery abounded in the Nebraska Union Centennial room. A rowdy jungle full of high ranking research leaders from all different corners of the university in a bustle and hustle. What was making everyone go bananas? The sudden termination of the director undergraduate research Justina Clark. The news dropped late in the night on the 30th of January and created shock waves in the university so big you could almost surf on them. Prof. Marjorie Langell from the chemistry department was baffled: “I don’t understand! This is nuts!” Then, suddenly the lights dimmed and all was silent. A huge, booming, almost ape-ish voice cut through the quiet like a wooden barrel cannon through the countryside. “LOOKING GOOD, KONGS!!!!!!!” Funky Kong screamed as he entered the room, causing everyone to jump. People started making it for the door only to discover the doors were blocked with dense jungle undergrowth. “LET’S BLAST THIS JOINT IN MY BODACIOUS JUMBO BARREL!!!!!” The entire room suddenly flew into the air following a huge explosion as the whole crowd flew by beautiful clear skies. Fun and lighthearted bongo music could be heard over it all, with an ambiance of a rioting and rollicking jungle in the background. Mr. F’ing Kong (as he insisted he be formally called) quickly switched to a business suit and tie with a cartoonish twirl and immediately launched into a very detailed jungle-themed Prezi about how he planned to remake the undergraduate research infrastructure. The presentation went by incredibly quickly and was hard to understand over the vicious sounds of ape-on-ape jungle warfare and the screams of attendees, but the main gist is there will be a lot more banana research at UNL. To the surprise of almost no one, Mr. F’ing Kong’s outfit was business in the front and party in back as he moved to face his Prezi and exposed his beautiful, red, bright ass to the audience. According to Governor Pete Ricketts, he had recommended Mr. F’ing Kong for the job to Chancellor Ronnie Green on the basis that he had excellent budget-cutting ideas. The only budget-cutting idea Mr. F’ing Kong (really?) seemed to have is that the city didn’t need public transport and we could all just get around by swinging on massive jungle vines. How this pertains to his new undergraduate research position has yet to be explained.

DAMON BARR STAFF WRITER What started out as a regular, Saturday trip to the mall turned into a nightmare for local boyfriend Jeff Rowan. “My girlfriend told me she just wanted to stop by Forever 21 for a couple minutes,” said Rowan in an exclusive interview with The DailyER. “A couple minutes pass, and the next thing I know, it’s Tuesday!” Once Rowan’s significant other stepped into

her changing room, all hell broke loose. One wrong turn in the jewelry section led the inexperienced shopper into a labyrinth of cute bags and cheap blouses. “I thought I would never see Jeff again,” said Rowan’s girlfriend Linda Parker. “I reminded him over and over to not stray away from the shoe section, but I guess you can never be too careful with these things.” Luckily for his survival, food was anything but difficult for Rowan to find. “Everywhere I turned there was a half-empty bag of McDonald’s or a remnant of someone’s Panda Express,” he said. “Never have I been more thankful for a staff ’s inclination to not clean their store.” Rowan was found the following Saturday by Parker on a visit to return a yellow sweater that was just a little too small. The couple assured The DailyER that they will be more cautious the next time they venture out into a scary department store.

Fact: The smoking ban is actually optional RYLEY HUBBARD STAFF WRITER We live in an era of liability, and I expect everyone to inform me without me having to read instructions, take any personal responsibility or use any deductive reasoning of my own. Life doesn’t come with an instruction manual, but damn it, why not? The University of Nebraska-Lincoln recently forced a smoking ban upon the denizens of its campuses, which I guess, from unconfirmed rumors, applies to more than tobacco. I find it to be unethical, personally; in fact, I think smoking should be mandatory. But what these pseudo-health-conscious policymakers failed to mention is the loophole that is the saving grace in almost every situation: if you choose not to read it, it doesn’t apply to you. This leaves quite a bit of leeway, and the possibilities of what you can smoke are endless, friend! Rolled a fat joint in preparation

for your philosophy class? Feel free to spark up, Cheech. Hungry for some well-seasoned pulled pork? Pull out the propane and fire that sucker up; no one in the Student Union will be remotely upset by it. The weirdly-shaped furniture dotted around campus? Perfect kindling to feed your pyromania addiction. Yes, the power of selective attention can turn you into a truly sovereign citizen. Listen: you, the young adult, are paying UNL only for them to tell you what you can and can’t do as an individual. It may seem like a minor issue, but is being treated like you aren’t capable of making your own decisions worth the massive student loan debt? I’ve heard through the grapevine that smoking products are acceptable if it involves a theatrical or ceremonial performance. If we stand together and form a 30,000 person drama club, we can finally free ourselves from the snares of collegiate oppression, and the ban will go up in smoke.


QUIZ: Can you guess if this is a quote from my honors thesis or a quote from “Dodgeball?”


With the school semester well underway and the thought of honors theses creeping up on several college students, I figured it would be great to help students get a head start on finishing their papers. However, rather than spitting out some tips on some basic blog post with a smattering of motivational quotes pasted across the page, why not have a little fun with a quiz to test your knowledge of what your thesis should be about! Can you guess if these quotes are from my honors thesis or from the 2004 comedy film “Dodgeball?”

1. “If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.”

Answer: Honors Thesis

2. “We are the Globo Gym Purple Cobras ... and we will, we will rock you!” 3. “Scientists interpret quantum mechanics to mean that a tiny piece of material like a photon or electron is both a particle and a wave.” Answer: Honors Thesis

Answer: “Dodgeball” Answer: Honors Thesis

4. “Remember the 5 D’s of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge.”

5. “It’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off for them.”

Answer: Honors Thesis

6. “Planck assumed there was a theory yet to emerge from the discovery of quanta, but, in fact, their very existence implied a completely new and fundamental understanding of the laws of nature.”

Answer: “Dodgeball”

7. “Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. Nobody!”

Answer: Honors Thesis

8. “Use the Force, Luke.”

Answer: Oh God, what was that movie called? No, it’s on the tip of my tongue, trust me. Oh, give me a second to think here.... Uhhh..... Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan?





NO BUDGET? NO PROBLEM! Thanks to recently proposed budget cuts by Nebraska Governor Pete Ricketts, the University of Nebraska-Lincoln is slimming down and looking better than ever! Here’s a first look at just a few of the exciting features you can expect from the new, lightweight, easier-to-use UNL LiteTM experience!




Get ready to see some downsizing at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln in the coming months! No, not the movie starring Matt Damon. In late January, The UNL Board of Regents announced plans to blow up a couple more buildings on campus to cut the costs of utilities and maintenance in those buildings. “We believe this is the most efficient way to cover the budget gap proposed by Governor Ricketts,” said UNL Chancellor Ronnie Green. “Our current plan is to have the building demolitions on the same night as the 2018 End of the Year Bash. No better way to end the year than watching a few buildings collapse!” Initial nominees for the next buildings to be leveled at UNL include the new College of Business, the currently unfinished Health Center, Cather Dining Complex and Bessey Hall, to which Chancellor Green responded, “I didn’t even know we had a building called Bessey Hall.” —Chris Goering

Tired of always getting locked out of your room? Annoyed by the responsibility of having to keep track of a room key? Done with responsibility and order in general? Well, you’re in luck, because UNLLite™ has the solution for you! No more keys! UNL got rid of them! Next year the entire university will be transferring to a 100% open door policy. I mean open doors, no locks, and no keys. Sounds like chaos, right? Chancellor Ronnie Green thinks that’s the wrong way to think about it. “Nebraskans and our students are an honorable people. I fully believe this will cause no problems whatsoever,” Green said in a comment to prospective students. The rules go: the first time you try to get into a building or room you’re not supposed to be in, Green himself will order Herbie Husker to give you a stern talking-to about the principles of honorable conduct. After a second violation, you will be forced into a trial by combat against Lil’ Red. —Duncan Moore

Thanks to the super cool and recent budget enhancements, certain professors around UNL have started asking their students to leave a few extra dollars in a tip jar after class. Isn’t that totally awesome? It’s just like when you dropped a fiver in that bucket at the sandwich place with the guy who had a really cool beard. It’s time you started treating your professors on campus like cool guys with beards. Not only is this a fantastic way to help improve your instructors’ salaries, but it allows you as a student to show truly how great your appreciation for higher education is. Thanks to tipping, UNL will no longer require those long, useless class evaluation forms, and will now evaluate course satisfaction based on the charity money collected after class. So help save the trees and your professors’ job security by throwing a couple dollars into their briefcase! — Damon Barr *A 15% gratuity charge will be automatically applied to classes of 8 or more








Combining every sport into a single, yearround team will not only save the university a decent amount of moola; it might even make Husker athletics relevant again. Nebraska’s Footsketvolleybasewrestlenasticsball team would feature all 744 of UNL’s premier student-athletes. Every event, called a meet-matchinning-game, would be held on a single tennis court with the nation’s other 55 existing teams. Hell, they might even throw some mascots in there. Go Big Red! —Ryley Hubbard

AUTHENTIC PIONEER HOUSING! The class of incoming freshman in Fall 2018 will be given the opportunity to spend their first year of college like a true pioneer. In wake of budget cuts, the university plans to save money normally spent on room and board by having students build their own shelter and grow their own food. The University of Nebraska-Lincoln plans to convert the underutilized soccer field behind Teachers College Hall into the first homestead that will support somewhere between 100 and 5,000 incoming freshman. As a part of the new “Pioneering Leaders” learning community guidelines, students will only be given copies of Willa Cather’s “Oh Pioneer” and “My Antonia” as references for them to adjust to the new lifestyle. Students who are unable to feed and shelter themselves are not expected to survive the winter. Those who survive will be guaranteed housing for their sophomore year, but will be forever burdened with the memories of their dead classmates. —Michael Bagazinski

UNL’s chancellor and athletic director have both urged the iconic mascot to “help out a bit.” Lil’ Red’s duties as mascot have now grown to include far more jobs than other Big Ten mascots. In attempts to make a buck, Lil’ Red as opened a successful car washing business in the East Stadium loop. Some notable clients have included Herbie Husker and his tractor, as well as Ronnie Green and his Toyota Prius. In addition to his car wash, Lil’ Red has also been seen cutting the grass inside Memorial Stadium. Despite the grass being fake, everyone appreciated the gesture and no one had the heart to tell him otherwise. But due to the magnitude of the cuts, Lil’ Red has to do more than just car washing. This summer, the university bookstore is making him husk the corn cob hats they will be selling next season, and he is also going to be required to clean up the locker rooms. After each game, Lil’ Red plans on paying the bills by dancing on his head outside the stadium for spare change. —Michael Bagazinski




In Nebraska’s 150 years of existence, the University of Nebraska-Lincoln and its homegrown students have been one of the state’s greatest assets for 148 of those years. But due to recent budget cuts and the low cost of in-state tuition, the flagship university is no longer is accepting in-state students. This debacle has initiated disapproval all over the state of Nebraska. UNL Chancellor Ronnie Green sent out a statement over the weekend, explaining this difficult and possibly detrimental choice. “It’s unfortunate, but international students are where the big bucks come from,” Green said, “It’s what’s best for the university.” Native Nebraskan students were not happy, and many were found expressing their disappointment over the Internet. Jean LaGrone, English major, tweeted, “chancellor Greene only cares about the Green. Where are we supposed to go?” The University plans on transferring in-state students to local colleges and online institutions. A new wave of international students will be enrolled this upcoming fall, displacing former Nebraskans from their home institution. —Nyadet —Nyadet Dojoik Dojiok





DO YOUR PART TO HELP UNL SAVE MONEY NOLAN COONEY MEDIA DIRECTOR The University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s budget is on the chopping block, and you know whose fault it is? It’s YOURS! YOU, the students, have been taking advantage of UNL’s generosity for years, wastefully using up every resource in sight. Here are some tips on how to be a better campus citizen and save the school we love: 1. Bring your own napkins: You may be a messy eater, but your appetite for napkins is making UNL’s budget even messier. Next time you hit the dining hall, stop by Walgreens first and grab a 100-count pack of Bounty. 2. Buy parking passes for every garage: So you only have one car, but imagine if you could park that car anywhere you wanted. Don’t have a car? Now you’ll have designated spots all over campus to hang out with friends or just take a nap. 3. Add a 20% gratuity to your tuition: This is a simple and affordable gesture that’s sure to make everyone at the Bursar’s Office smile. 4. Buy extra textbooks for fun bedtime reading: For just a few hundred dollars each, you can kick back and enjoy some relaxing business law, upper-level chemistry or Japanese before you drift off to sleep. 5. Volunteer at a dining hall: Maybe you’ve volunteered

at a soup kitchen before, but how about helping out someone who really needs it: the state’s largest public university. Just walk into any dining hall and start scooping up some grub for hungry students, and UNL will owe you no hourly wages whatsoever. 6. Throw back any free hot dogs you catch at the games: Sure, catching a flying weiner at Memorial Stadium is fun, but you know what’s even more fun? Tossing it back so that same sausage can be launched again, and again, and again. 7. Pour extra water into the fountains: Next time you have a free afternoon, buy a 24-pack of Aquafina and pour all the bottles into the nearest water fountain. Loading up UNL’s pipes with extra water is the least you can do for all those times you wastefully flushed the toi-lets and washed your hands. 8. Teach yourself: Why are you making your professors waste their time teaching you when you could learn everything you need to know

HUSKERS TO SELL AD SPACE ON JERSEYS CHRIS GOERING A/V COORDINATOR In early January, Nebraska Governor Pete Ricketts unveiled a new set of cuts to the University of Nebraska-Lincoln as the state tax money continues to decrease. In order to help cover the millions of dollars reduced from the budget, the Nebraska Athletics department will begin selling ad space on all sports jerseys. The plan to introduce ads to the Cornhusker scarlet and cream jerseys has received major support from businesses across the state and country. Local favorite restaurant, Runza, was the first to sign an ad deal with Nebraska to feature their logo on all Husker jerseys. “What an honor it is to have the Gold and Green on the best jerseys in the country,” said Runza spokesman Johnny Ponder. “We hope that all student-athletes and fans choose to eat at Runza every

day for the rest of their lives. Go Big Red!” Soon after, the University signed on 44 more ad sponsors, ranging anywhere from Apple to Wendy’s to even the NBA. “We are so thankful for the outreach from our new sponsors,” said UNL Chancellor Ronnie Green. “We wanted to partner with corporations that not only will give us a lot of money, but also corporations that truly represent what it is to be a Husker. We hope to continue to add a lot more sponsors to our jerseys. That budget gap isn’t going to close itself!” The newly redesigned Husker jerseys will go on display at the Feb. 25 senior night men’s basketball game against Penn State. Nebraska is also in talks with the NCAA to allow advertisements to be placed on other athletic equipment used by University-sponsored sports, such as football helmets, baseball caps, golf clubs, and bowling balls.

from YouTube tutorials? Just watch some awkward guy stammer into a webcam every day and you’ll become an expert in any subject imaginable. But don’t unenroll from UNL, you’ll need that degree — and most importantly, don’t stop paying your 14 cents a year for The DailyER.




GOVERNOR RICKETTS TO REPLACE ENTIRE STATE OF NEBRASKA WITH BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN’S 1982 ALBUM ‘NEBRASKA’ DUNCAN MOORE STAFF WRITER Governor Pete Ricketts was confident, composed and ready to strike when he walked into the State Capitol building with his beat-up Sony Walkman and giant Bose noise canceling headphones on Tuesday, Jan. 16th. Unprompted, as he strode into the meeting to decide the bi-annual budget, the good governor said, “There’s no place like Nebraska, except for, of course, ‘Nebraska,’” to the Nebraska state legislature. He then proceeded to request that the entire state be transformed into Bruce Springsteen’s classic 1982 folk-rock album “Nebraska” to amend recent budget woes. It was a miracle that diligent DailyER reporters just happened to be present to document this stunning scene. “You see, if we all just all live inside a cassette tape we wouldn’t have to worry about all this healthcare and education hubbub. All we would be is sound, pure glorious sound!” Ricketts went on to add.

This bold idea was initially met with skepticism. “The hell?” was heard from several state policymakers immediately after Ricketts’ proposal was voiced. But the governor was determined, and he knew his audience. “Hear me out guys, we won’t have to give teachers anything!” Ricketts said. “We will literally be able to cut everything! We can just put the poor people on the songs no one liked! There will be no government at all to bother you!” This seemed to ring a special chord with the Republican majority in the room. “Well, when you put it that way… it’s tempting,” replied state treasurer Don Stenberg. President Donald Trump, when asked about the Nebras-

ka budget cuts and the prospect of one the great states in his union turning into about 50 minutes of audio, replied: “What’s Nebraska?”

GOVERNOR RICKETTS GROWS HAIR, NEBRASKA’S ECONOMY AT SAME RATE RYLEY HUBBARD STAFF WRITER Money is not always easy to manage. When times are hard, there is simply not enough to go around, and such is the case with the State of Nebraska’s revenue for 2018. Governor Pete Ricketts, like his hairline, cannot simply comb over the state’s budget without first addressing the roots of recession. “We’re facing a $173 million shortfall this year,” Ricketts said while furiously rubbing his sheeny, bald dome with canola oil. “So I thought to myself, ‘what’s the best way we could cut costs without cutting quality?’ and then I congratulated myself for thinking in a complete sentence.” The governor’s budget plan includes slashing funding for K-12 education programs across the state, as well as digging even deeper into the University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s academic budget. When asked why education was first up on the chopping block despite it being

his “priority,” Ricketts shrugged and replied with his signature, puppet-like stare: “Look, I know education is central to a healthy society and we would literally be nothing without it, but prisons are overcrowding. While education is what keeps people out of jail, I thought it would make way more sense to drop another $5 million on expanding the jails because, you know, priorities.” Despite the fact that a mind-numbingly simple solution to prison overcrowding is to decriminalize non-violent offenders, something that a 9th grader in civics class could figure out, Ricketts assures us Nebraskans that his gross inability to increase economic revenue is nothing to worry about. “Look, I know the vast majority of what I do is worsening our society and completely nonsensical,” Ricketts said. “But as a man in the back pockets of wealthy corporations rather than voters, I know fiscal responsibility. Trust me, there is no person better suited to piss away your tax dollars than I am.”


A Very DailyER

Valentine’s Day

Heartbreaking: Herbie Husker asks Billy Bluejay to be Valentine instead of Lil’ Red

CHRIS GOERING A/V COORDINATOR Husker football season has been over for almost three months, yet heartbreak has struck the Huskers once again. This year for Valentine's Day, the Nebraska Cornhuskers

mascot, Herbie Husker, has asked the Creighton Bluejays mascot, Billy Bluejay, to be his Valentine, instead of the Huskers' younger, alternate mascot, Lil' Red. Lil' Red was shocked to hear the news of Herbie asking someone else to be his Valentine this year. "He's been my Valentine every year since 1993," said Lil' Red, holding back tears in an exclusive interview with The DailyER. "I can't believe he left me for that stupid bird. I thought our love was special!" "You know, I thought it was time for a change of scenery," said Herbie Husker on his Valentine's tradition with

Opinion: I don’t agree with Pete Ricketts but I’d still let him [redacted]1 me H. JACKSON STAFF WRITER Nebraska's commander in chief, governor Pete Ricketts, has terrible opinions on just about everything. From his stance on abortion and same-sex marriage to his love of the death penalty and beyond, Ricketts is fiscally conservative and socially in 1958. But while Peter has many views that I could never get behind, I would without a doubt let him [redacted]2 my [redacted]3. No one, conservative, liberal or Green Party, can disagree that our state's governor is a total babe with the complete package. From his shining head down to his gigantic, throbbing, hot, nine-inch toe, Pete is one-hundred percent pure undiluted sex appeal. When I see his beautiful face and glistening head appear on my television screen every weekday at 10:00 PM on my trusted local news source, 10/11 News, I can only think about one thing... Peter Ricketts's [redacted]4 three feet deep in my [redacted]5. My mind frequently drifts off to a scene in the governor's mansion that I've fantasized about often. I am [redacted]6

and [redacted]7 to his mahogany bed frame. Peter is nearly five feet away from me, almost fully covered in a [redacted]8 bodysuit, a shiny "Choose Life" license plate strapped to his [redacted]9. After stretching out his hamstrings for a full thirteen minutes and [redacted]10ing up the plate, Peter sprints towards me at nearly fifteen miles per hour. He gains speed as he approaches me and [redacted]11s the license plate into my [redacted]12 in a moment of ecstasy. Peter then continues to [redacted]13 me with the license plate for a full two and a half minutes of pure bliss, until he [redacted]14. Peter, if you're reading this please respond to my emails. I long for the day when I can finally see my own reflection mirrored back at me on your beautiful glowing head and know that soon your license plate will be [redacted]15 up my [redacted]16.

1: talk with, 2: talk about legislation with, 3: family, 4: legislation, 5: state's constitution, 6: nervous, 7: talking, 8: business casual, 9: car, 10: shine, 11: put, 12: tote bag, 13: impress, 14: gets bored, 15: filling up, 16: car's entire bumper

Lil' Red. "I see that baby face every single week. Football games, basketball games, volleyball games, hell, we're even in the same book club. I just think it was time we see other people, you know?" Nebraska athletic director Bill Moos tried to make the best of the Herbie-Lil' Red drama in a press conference earlier this week. "This is obviously not the best situation we're dealing with," said Moos. "We hope that bridge hasn't completely burned, but hopefully this can be a way to build a stronger relationship with our fellow Bluejay fans up north." For now, it appears the relationship between Herbie and Lil' Red is over. Lil' Red blocked Herbie Husker on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat and LinkedIn. Along with this, Lil' Red will no longer show up for any sporting events that Herbie is attending. Heartbroken, Lil' Red was last seen in Woods Art Building working on a Valentine for Scott Frost, hopeful that he will accept and never leave his side.

17 Love Library to offer private, sexy study rooms for couples

Swipe Right for Satire With the advent of smartphones, finding love or a fling has never been easier. Suddenly your phone is the one-stop shop to Lincon’s hottest items! From film buffs to buff boys, you’ll be sure to find a match this Valentine’s Day.

DAMON BARR STAFF WRITER Talk about putting the Love back into Library. This Valentine's Day, Love Library will offer study rooms to students looking to “get it on” in a secluded, but safe environment. “I think it’s a really nice gesture,” said freshman animal science major Allison Bohannon. “My boyfriend and I can’t get a moment alone anymore thanks to our nosy roommates.” Nosy roommates will be the last of Bohannon’s worries as her and her boyfriend enter the Kit and Dick Schmoker Study Center’s new and improved sexy study rooms. Rooms come equipped with one large piece of black felt which nearly covers the whole window, three ambiguously romantic scented candles and one box of extra safe condoms ranging in size and texture. “It is key for us that students feel comfortable about their sex life, especially on such an important day in a young couple’s relationship,” said Dean of Libraries, Dr. Nancy Busch. “Their relationship is bound to fizzle out in a couple of weeks anyway, so they might as well have a little fun in a university-sanctioned study room.” Busch even asked the Lincoln Police to clear out of their office inside the learning commons to make room for the kinkier lovebirds on campus. This special room includes one authentic pair of handcuffs and a slippery, used bar of soap. Single students shouldn’t worry about being alone on Valentine’s Day either. Smaller rooms fit for one will be available, including a computer hooked up to a high-speed Internet connection and a large bottle of hand lotion.

Mom, 51 upstairs, last active 3 hours ago About Mom

Loves your cute little friends, will always call you handsome and cook you dinner interests: Jazzercise, Scrapbooking, Dad favorite radio station: 102.7 Spirit ideal date night: Lazlo’s and a puzzle

Herbert, 43

Scott, 43 2 miles away, last active 7 hours ago

About Herbert

Looking for some national championships to win

4 miles away, last active 2 hours ago Hey babe, you must be Tanner Lee because I’m picking you ;) Lincoln raised, follower of Jesus, looking for a woman who loves the Big Red as much as I do interests: Long walks on the beach, Reader’s Digest, cooking, going to art galleries favorite artists: Elton John, Michael Buble, Tyler the Creator, The Carpenters

About Scott

interests: Winning national championships favorite songs: We Are The Champions - Queen, All I Do Is Win - DJ Khaled, Heart of a Champion - Nelly

Nick, 22 350 miles away, last active 2 hours ago About Nick

Stoked for Jurassic World 2

Jack, 24 4 miles away, last active 12 hours ago About Jack

Likes pets and weird stuff interests: Pets and gaming favorite songs: Taylor Swift - styles and Adele chasing pavements disclaimer: Little note: I’m looking for someone serious, that can handle all the difficulties of a relationship. I’m sick of cowards. Also I like pets.

interests: I like dinosaurs a lot favorite song: This is tough but I like the intro song to Jurassic Park with the long neck in the background - you know the one favorite book: Manuscript for Jurassic Park: The Lost World - really underrated if you ask me favorite food: I’d have to say star leaves, they are good favorite restaurant: Any place where I can eat my steak like a T-Rex, rawr If I had one wish what would it be: easy I’d want a big tail like the dinosaurs had in Jurassic Park Favorite actor in a Steven Spielberg movie: This is tough I like Chris Pratt and I like the velociraptors but probably Chris Pratt because he didn’t die Favorite feature film featuring dinosaurs: Shoot... probably the Jurassic Park where the T-Rex eats a dog. I think that’s the second one

Dugen, 19 2 miles away, last active 3 hours ago About Dugen

5’ 11.5”

Hit my line if you lookin for a good time interests: Fast and Furious, Dane Cook, Tailgates, G-Eazy dislikes: Snowflakes, engines with <8 cylinders, and forgetting leg day ideal date night: here’s a few interests


Seeds 16 14

Feb. 8, 2018



p. 20 profile of local band “Jens Lehman and the Time Cops” & Lincoln Exposed Staff Picks


Lincoln Exposed

p. 21 preview of Latino Lives music festival


At the dead end of winter each year, downtown music venues draw Lincolnites out of their cabin fever for the annual Lincoln Exposed music festival that does just that - expose the local music scene. In it’s thirteenth year, Lincoln Exposed touts over 100 music and comedy acts over four nights on Feb. 7-10.



Jens Lehman and the Time Cops:

Crafting a new sound

DUNCAN MOORE STAFF WRITER Every year, hundreds of Lincoln bands and artists spend countless hours in basements and studios preparing for the next gig, the next single or the next album. They’re actively creating and contributing to a unique sound and music culture in Lincoln, a scene that is showcased each year at Lincoln Exposed. Lincoln Exposed is an annual wintertime music festival

held at several venues in downtown Lincoln. This year, it runs Wednesday, Feb. 7 through Saturday, Feb. 10, featuring bands from almost every music genre. Up-and-coming band Jens Lehman and the Time Cops draws from many hometown influences, creating an enjoyable and familiar but unique sound. What started as a solo project of Lehman’s transformed into the Time Cops as a way to bring his songs to live audiences with a full band. After two years of practicing and performing, the Lehman and the new Time Cops became one, and now they’re near completion of recording a new original EP together. Jens Lehman and the Time Cops, as they would describe themselves, are “The E Street Band trying to play a set with Prince, and getting really close to pulling it off.” And I think that’s a really apt description. Where some bands might take that as critical, they take it in stride. That

missing of the mark is not from lack of effort or talent, it’s from the band forging their own unique sound out of a variety of influences. Seeds Entertainment recently sat down with frontman Jens Lehman along with Time Cops John Borstelmann and Thai Nguyen to discuss those influences. Besides the main starting point of Bruce Springsteen, there’s also Joni Mitchell, The Beatles, some heavier rock, and even Chance the Rapper. Lehman told me, “Those are the artists you reach for that you eventually fall and become yourself.” The result is a funky jazz-rock sound that allows for Lehman’s vocals and piano to mesh seamlessly with the Time Cops differing unique sounds: Thai Nguyen on Guitar and Luke Morris on drums bringing a rock sound while John Borstelmann (Saxophone), Taylor Cobb (Trumpet), and Marc Mason (Bass) bring jazz/R&B and blues. They don’t always keep strictly to those roles, but the mixture of genres lends to each of their songs being an enjoyable twisting road through musical genres. Lehman also has an undeniable writing talent that gives the Time Cops a base that flexibly works with the different musical themes. Jens Lehman and the Time Cops are playing for Lincoln Exposed Thursday, Feb. 8, at Duffy’s Tavern and have a currently untitled EP coming out soon.

Seeds Entertainment staff picks: Acts to see at Lincoln Exposed Seymour


MIKIE BROWN STAFF WRITER Seymour is your new favorite rock band. The group consists of four 19 to 20-year-old gentlemen whose musical style is already definitively their own. Their debut EP, “X1,” quite literally provides the perfect soundtrack for everything from early morning pump-ups to late-night drives. The lyrics are relatable without sounding recycled, and the sound is a perfect blend of indie and rock genres. The album’s final track “Spain” perfectly concludes the set, while also leaving you wanting more. The songs compliment one another without being redundant, and the overall EP is a true testament to the group’s song-writing skills and general musicality. Check out Seymour on Spotify and Bandcamp, and catch them at 7:40 pm on Friday, Feb 9 at the 1867 Bar.

Performing Saturday, Feb. 10, at 1867 Bar, Lincoln-based rapper Hakim has recently launched himself into the upand-coming rap/hip-hop scene. Coming out of Lincoln High School as a standout basketball star, Hakim spent some time playing collegiate basketball in North Carolina before dropping everything to pursue a career in music. Two years and 14 mixtapes later, Hakim built himself up to land on the national hip-hop scene. His most recent release "Young Drifter II" combines a soothing mix of rap, hip-hop and blues to create a great album for anyone who listens to the likes of 50 Cent, Kendrick Lamar or Frank Ocean.

Thirst Things First

EFREN CORTEZ STAFF WRITER Thirst Things First is a new wave group with electronic and punk elements with a twist. Members have fictional stage personas, such as bassist Laser, administrator BOOT:\\ and "humans drum player" J.O.R.D. (Joint Operative Robotic Drummer). According to the band's Facebook page, these characters have been sent from the future to share with the humans of 21st century Lincoln, NE, the importance of oil, which they want people to drink. Thirst Things First debuted in 2012 with their release of a full-length album called "J.O.R.D. Don't Play," a couple of EPs and a handful of covers. Including "Careless Whispers" and "Black Hole Sun," honoring the deaths of George Michael and Chris Cornell, respectively. Check out this fun band at 1867 Bar on Thursday, Feb. 7 at 10:40 p.m.


Latino Lives


New festival celebrates diversity in Nebraska music, art scene

EFREN CORTEZ SEEDS EDITOR Nebraska has multiple music and art festivals that showcase unique aspects of the state’s music scene, such as Femme Fest, Queerfest and Lincoln Exposed. These festivals highlight community of the thriving music scene in a relatively small state, and a new festival in 2018 seeks to celebrate one of Nebraska’s largest minority populations. Latino Lives (pronounced liv) is a music and arts festival celebrating Latino culture in Nebraska, and according to an estimate by the US Census Bureau, more than 10% of Nebraska’s population identifies as Latino. Festival founder and freshman advertising and public relations major, Aramara Quintos, came up with the idea when her band

Histrionic performed at Queerfest last October. “When I performed at Queerfest, I was happy to see so much support for the LGBT community,” Quintos said. “There must have been about 500 people there. If the turn out for an LGBT festival can be huge, then maybe there’ll be a huge turn out for a Latino-based one.” According to Quintos, Latino Lives is the only Latino-focused music and arts festival in Nebraska that she knows of. “I didn’t really know anyone of Latino descent involved in the local music and art community, so I’m hoping Latino Lives will bring talented people out,” she said. Quintos’ friend, Mercy Morales, is helping promote the Latino Lives festival by maintaining the Facebook event page, sharing updates on performers and how to get involved. Morales is proud to help with the festival to encourage celebration of Latino culture and representation. “Seeing people who look like you, talk like you on TV, play in local shows, on the radio, even at work, it’s all so cool and exciting because you get the feeling of like, ‘If they’re

doing it, I can do it too,’ and that’s important,” Morales said. According to Quintos and Morales, community members can help with Latino Lives by promoting and attending the benefit show and festival, informing Latino artists of the events and encouraging them to participate. To help fundraise for the summer festival, Quintos is holding a benefit show at The Bay on Saturday, Feb. 17 starting at 5 pm. While the festival in June will exclusively feature Latino artists, the benefit show will have artists of different minority backgrounds performing, such as rapper HAKIM and singer Maia Ramsey. The Latino Lives benefit show will feature artists performing modern music such as rock and hip-hop. However, Quintos hopes to add a wider variety of more traditional acts performing traditional Latino music, such as mariachi and folk for the June show. Quintos hopes Latino Lives will help inspire Latino musicians and artists who are younger than her to participate and be integrated into the local music and do-it-yourself scene. The festival will help bridge the gap between artists looking for an opportunity to express their talent to the public and people who are able to give a space for that to happen. “One of the main reasons I’m doing this is that I have friends in bands, but they never get shows,” Quintos said. “I got you, I’m giving you a platform.”

“FLOWER BOY: A Conversation,” something musicians should hear

DUNCAN MOORE STAFF WRITER Tyler Okonma, better known as Tyler the creator, is a famous rapper and producer. He recently uploaded a hour long video interview/documentary led by Jerrod Carmichael to his YouTube channel which focuses on his new album Flower Boy. As a fellow music creator (albeit a more amateurish one) Tyler’s complex and creative songwriting/production process is incredibly interesting, and he describes in detail in this interview. Mostly because he managed this year to take

his usually mocked immature and irreverent attitude and morph it into a Grammy nominated album. This is a challenge I think many young musicians eventually face. You can start out raw and outrageous, or heavily imitate other artists, but if you can’t find your own real refined style and voice while still retaining the things that made you different, appealing to a wider audience is difficult. Flower Boy is Tyler overcoming that challenge and presenting a deep understanding of what made his music unique and enjoyable. Tyler is, at least I believe, at his best when he does deep dives into his own physique and society around him. “Answer”, “48”, and “IFHY” from his earlier album Wolf I think prove this. Again I am by no means a professional when it comes to music, but I do have at least have a basic understanding of what it’s like to make incredibly personal songs. I know what’s it's like to try and spontaneously capture an emotion and write it down before it goes away. This is exactly what Tyler describes doing, saying that af-

ter the mixed reaction to his impersonal and sporadic last album Cherry Bomb, he needed something more personal and mature to stay relevant and successful. Something very personal to Tyler is his love of chords and melodies, which he acknowledges is not a love a large amount of his rap fan base shares: “I said okay let me for this album specifically add all the chords I like but do it in a way that they can digest, so Mr. Lonely has some of the prettiest chords on the album but I kinda hid it behind the hard drums and the fast paced rap” By meshing popular hip hop beats and themes into the more strange sides of Tyler’s writing and chords he produces something that is undeniably still him, but is now much more understandable and approachable. Of course going too far in this makes you lose your personal voice, but I think there is a balance that eluded Tyler for a long time that he found in Flower Boy. In this way young beginning artists like me and others can learn from Tyler’s example: experiment wildly until you find your core sound or feel, and apply polish and convention from there, stripping away everything else. Cherry Bomb is you, Flower Boy is what you could become.



CORTEZ: Steven Spielberg delivers again with ‘The Post’

Movie Review EFREN CORTEZ SEEDS EDITOR Based on the true story of the 1971 publication of The Pentagon Papers by The Washington Post, Steven Spielberg’s latest film features the fight for freedom of the press, conflicted loyalty and the journalistic duty of sharing the truth with the public.

Taking place during the controversial Vietnam War, “The Post” gives viewers an inside look at political secrecy behind a war which left tens of thousands of Americans dead. One soldier returns home from fighting in Vietnam and steals papers with classified information from the Pentagon to give to national newspapers, and the decision to publish becomes a battle between journalists and the White House. This political thriller does an excellent job depicting one

of the most important events involving First Amendment Rights with fast pacing and stressful decision making all within a tight time window. While “The Post” features a stellar performance and natural chemistry between Meryl Streep as Washington Post publisher Katharine Graham and Tom Hanks as Washington Post executive editor Ben Bradlee, it was Bob Odenkirk who delivered a standout performance. In his supporting role as The Washington Post’s assistant managing editor Ben Bagdikian, Odenkirk provides comic relief from the shadows, emerging as the unsung hero in the publishing of the Pentagon Papers. One aspect that might go underrated is the realism in the film’s depiction of the typical newsroom. The struggle becomes clear in one scene when Ben had to keep calling people for information and almost every call leading to a dead end. The shadiness of then-president Richard Nixon’s administration seemed eerily familiar to the current administration and Donald Trump’s presidency, which might upset some viewers as it seems history is repeating at this moment. “The Post” is a must-see for journalists and fans of American political history. Anyone looking for a good thriller should check out this film as well.

The good, the bad and the upcoming of crowdfunded games history of crowdfunded games. Failure to raise the money, production hell, and long waits for the game to be released are common risks of crowdfunding that don’t always guarantee the stability of a production company that creates games. “Shenmue III” still has some hope though, right? Not all crowdfunded games have been bad. Let’s take a look.


The Good

“Divinity: Original Sin II”: An RPG sequel to Kickstarter project “Divinity: Original Sin,” “Original Sin II” released in September 2017, two years after funding began. The game was met with universal acclaim, having a score of 93 out of 100 on Metacritic and being nominated for “Best Role-Playing Game” at The Game Awards 2017. “Hollow Knight”: After being funded in December 2014, Hollow Knight was released in February 2017. The side-scrolling action adventure game has an 86 out of ELSA KNIGHT 100 on Metacritic, was nominated for “Best Debut Indie Game” at The Game Awards 2017 and won the award for STAFF WRITER “Best Platformer” in PC Gamer’s 2017 Game of the Year Recently, as with most days, I was sitting around think- Awards. ing about “Shenmue III.” After its dramatic reveal at Sony’s E3 presentation in 2015, the number of public updates The Bad we’ve seen in the past few years for this highly anticipat“Mighty No. 9”: Probably the most infamous of ed game has been limited, including a teaser trailer from crowdfunded projects gone wrong, “Mighty No. 9” is a August 2017 with multiple visible issues. While I’m sure 2D action platformer made by the original “Mega Man” there’s still plenty of time left for game developer YS Net creator, Keiji Inafune. Funded in September 2013, the to fix these problems, one has to be aware of the flimsy

Video Game Insight

game was delayed several times over until it was finally released in June 2016. The reviews were generally bad, with the average score being around 50 out of 100. “Friday the 13th: The Game”: With its open beta being a YouTuber/streamer’s favorite, “Friday the 13th: The Game” was buggy, but wildly fun. Overlooking the beta’s faults, people assumed that with its official release, the game would be improved. Alas, that wasn’t the case. The first-person multiplayer horror game was met with mixed reviews, gaining a 61 out of 100 on Metacritic for both PC and PS4.

The Upcoming

“Star Citizen”: As of May 2017, according to Eurogamer, “Star Citizen” surpassed $150 million for its space combat game, signaling a new level of fundraising to come for not only games but for any crowdsourced material. “Shenmue III”: And so it all comes back to “Shenmue.” Despite the wonky teaser, signs of how the game will turn out to seem to be heading in a positive direction if we’re to simply analyze prior crowdfunded games. The development is going smoothly, no delays have been mentioned, (hard to do though, as a date for release hasn’t even been brought up yet) and the original creator of “Shenmue I” and II, Yu Suzuki, who is also working on the game, is openly happy about where the game is headed. We might still have a way to go, but I’m feeling hopeful about a triumphant return to the “Shenmue” series.





Since their formation in 2010, British indie rock band Bastille has released three mixtapes and two notable albums. Their most recent album released in fall 2016, “Wild World,” is meant to shine a light on society’s relationship with truth and power. The song “The Currents” questions the motives of zealous, nationalistic politicians and reflects the frustrations of populist politics with lyrics “Still living in the currents you create, still sinking in the pool of your WILD WORLD - BASTILLE mistakes. Won’t you stop firing up the crazies?” MICHAEL BAGAZINSKI This record asks their audience to look beyond what is presented by authoritative establishments such as the media or government and focus on your reality in order to find veracity. Lyrics such as, “When panic rises like the ocean, we just keep flipping through the station, if we don’t post it does it happen? I want to be free of this,” in their song “Way Beyond” encapsulates this idea best. Other favorites from the album include “The Anchor,” “Warmth” and “Lethargy,” yet no song deteriorates, and only seem to get better with time. The band is planning to release their fourth mixtape in the near future, but have not officially released a date for what the lead singer, Dan Smith, is calling an “apocalyptic dance party.”


New York City-based indie pop band The Score released their first album “Atlas” Oct. 13, 2017, and the two-person group has made a defined first impression in the big leagues. Reminiscent of “Imagine Dragons” and “Walk the Moon,” The Score’s music is fun and outrageously catchy. The single “Unstoppable” has been heard in popular media such as the series “Pitch” and 2017 film “Power Rangers,” and I’m sure their popularity will only rise from here. As for their new album, every song in “Atlas” is equally good, making the entire album worth the full experience. The overarching theme of mythology is not lost on listeners and adds an interesting perspective to what each song means. I can’t wait to hear what The Score has in store for us next.


2000’s rock bands such as Fall Out Boy, Taking Back Sunday and My Chemical Romance would have sounded differently if it weren’t for the influence of Saves the Day. The emo/pop punk band from New Jersey combined melancholic lyrics with melodic guitar arrangements and vocalist’s Chris Conley’s soft, angst-filled voice created the blueprints for emo and pop punk music SAVES THE DAY for the next decade. “Through Being Cool” EFREN CORTEZ and “Stay What You Are” are considered staple albums for the underground music scene. Though the pop influence is apparent in the band’s most recent self-titled album from 2013, it still retains the distinct emo sound the band forged in the 1990s. Songs to check out include “Third Engine” and “At Your Funeral.”

After a frigid walk into the Centurylink Center and minute trip to the box office, I was finally ready to see WWE live. The bill boasted entertainment from some of my favorite wrestlers, and my boos echoed for WWE poster child, Roman Reigns, farther than children next to me could cheer. The highlight of the event was the newly WOKEN Matt Hardy and his manic laugh who had a win over the eater of WWE LIVE worlds - Bray Wyatt. The fireflies were GABE COHEN definitely out when so many fans were cheering for the notorious Wyatt over good ol’ manic Matt. Queer wrestling icon Goldust, the son of late WWE hall of famer Dusty Rhodes, defeated Curt Hawkins, who has been on almost a 100-match losing streak and was just trying to eek a win by an unsuspecting foe, well that was not his day. As a matinee event occurring on Super Bowl Sunday, attendance was more sparse than former WWE events I’ve been to in Nebraska. But despite the small crowd, there was still that hive mind mentality that seems to only occur at a wrestling event. This was my least favorite WWE event of the numerous ones I’ve attended in the past 10 years, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t fun. Taking my mother and explaining why Roman Reigns sucks was a good time. If you’re reading this, I highly suggest taking your mother out to WWE. You’ll see her scream louder than when you forgot to take out the trash.


The DailyER - February 8, 2018  

Get the scoop on the state of Nebraska's exciting new budget!

The DailyER - February 8, 2018  

Get the scoop on the state of Nebraska's exciting new budget!