The Crocodile UF - Fall 2019

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FALL 2019

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table of contents 4 This Page, Duh 5 Editor’s Letter & Contributors 7 Dance Marathon Offers Free Donut to Anyone Who Hasn’t Heard of Dance Marathon 8 Newly Admitted UF Students Nervous to Pronounce “Fuchs” 9 Dan Mullen’s Dad Style Guide 11 Quiz: Are You a Junior By Credits?

12 Kent Fuchs and Dan Mullen to Get Matching Tattoos This Semester 13 Mildly Amusing Professor’s Lectures Become Netflix Series 14 Exploratory Majors Required to Claim a Foreign Land Before Graduation 16 A Really Great Ad, Go Check It Out 17 Fat Daddy’s Bathroom Ranked in Top 10 Places to Cry 25 UF Campus to be Demolished, Replaced with Luxury Apartments 26 Feleipe Franks Opens New Hot Dog Restaurant: “Feleipe’s Franks” 28 38 Freshman Tips 30 UF Alerts 31 Estudiante Arrestada Después de Atacar a Alguien Que La Llamó “Spanish” 32 Humans of UF 35 Did You Know 36 Horoscopes 37 College Kids’ Corner 4

Fall 2019

The Crocodile magazine is now almost 100% paper!

editor’s letter contributors

Hey guys, It’s your favorite photoshopping, DM responding, sticker pack mailing editor in chief, Jea. The Crocodile has been a lot better at pretending to be a real organization lately. We have so many writers that we had to double our pizza order, we got to 1,000 followers on both Instagram and Twitter, and we even have some writer biographies on our website.

However, we’ve got one more step to being an Actual Publication™ in my personal opinion. And that’s our own Wikipedia page.

Sure, we’re mentioned on Wikipedia. But those mentions don’t have that beautiful blue hyperlink color that would lead to our own page. And that makes me sad.

So after you read through this magazine, with its great writing and awful Photoshop, do me a favor. Head over to your favorite free online encyclopedia and figure out how to make a Wikipedia page.

You can talk about how we started up a few years ago with some guy handing out pieces of paper that mocked the Alligator. Maybe that we used to exclusively use mythological pseudonyms, but stopped on a whim. Or you can mention that everyone on our staff is incredibly funny, charismatic, and attractive.

So if you’re a Croc fan, help a satirical publication out. Thank you in advance for your part in fulfilling my dream.

Make us a Wikipedia page please,

Owner/Founder/Janitor Peyton Stahler

Editor in Chief I Guess Jea Naseer

Editors Amalie Batchelder Seamus Love

Staff Writers J.A. Cheney Chard Cochran Tade Davis John Della Costa Joanna Deng Kaylee Dris Leon Green Payton Kuhn John Lancaster Robert Lewis Nick Lundquist Kristin Moorehead Emily Olson Uma Raja Mary Grace Scully Emily Sparks Stella Vasilopoulos

Contributing Writers Jea Naseer, Editor in Chief I Guess

Jasmin Hernandez Du Boi Sophie Nguyentran Nicolle Buchbinder Learn more about our contributors at thecrocodile.org/team

more crocodile thecrocodile.org @ufcrocodile

Advertising

peyton@thecrocodile.org We use organic, free-range staples to bind the magazine too.

Fall 2019

5

Dance Marathon Offers Free Donut to Anyone Who Hasn’t Heard of Dance Marathon

by J.A. Cheney, Staff Writer

In a bold new marketing campaign, Dance Marathon advocates have begun rewarding students who have never heard of the student-led cause despite years of pie-in-face campaigns in Turlington, the thousands of social media posts, and pop music blaring from the O’Connell center once a year.

“We just think that at this point, anyone who hasn’t heard of us literally deserves something special,” said outreach coordinator Maddie Hill.

“We think that it’s literally impossible for someone to have literally never heard of us.”

As the outreach coordinator, Hill is in charge of making DM’s presence known throughout Turlington, the Plaza of the The ink is definitely not organic, however.

Americas, social media timelines and in your dreams. When inspiration struck, she decided to buy three dozen donuts before her daily Turlington tabling at 10:00 am.

Junior Luke Fuertes was one of many students hoping to snag a donut after spotting the Krispy Kreme box.

He told us, and Hill, that he had never even heard the words “Dance” and “Marathon” put together like that until today.

“I had seen the pictures of fanny packs and tutus and stuff on Instagram, but I just assumed they were all going to the same parties or something,” Fuertes said, during a failed attempt to snatch a donut while Hill looked away. “So you mean those guys really dance like, for 26 hours? The longest I’ve ever been able to dance was like 4 hours at Grog.”

deception after discovering he had responded to someone’s Instagram story asking for dollar donations in 2017. However, Hill is still optimistic her donut plan will have a successful end result.

“I’m confident that 100 percent of students here know what Dance Marathon is,” Hill said.

“But if there is that single person out there that’s been living under a rock or out by Santa Fe or something, I’m going to find them.”

At press time, Hill was still beaming in Turlington Plaza, a full week after she arrived with her donuts, still yet to give away a single one.

Unfortunately, Hill cracked Fuertes’ Fall 2019

7

Newly Admitted UF Students Nervous to Pronounce “Fuchs”

by Uma Raja, Staff Writer Joe Miller, a UF freshman from Seasdale High School, was ecstatic to be accepted to the University of Florida’s Class of 2023 on February 8th.

However, Miller’s dream turned into a nightmare as he read a singular word: “Fuchs.”

“It’s unpronounceable. A truly incomprehensible word. And this is coming from me, who got a 5 in AP Literature, by the way,” Miller said.

Miller spent hours scouring the internet for clues that could help him unravel the mystery behind Kent Fuchs’ name. When he somehow ended up on the Wikipedia page for woodwind instruments invented in the 1700s, he knew his search was futile.

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Fall 2019

He then proceeded to spend twenty-five minutes trying out possible pronunciations, such as foochez, foxes, and *****.

“His name can’t be President *****, can it?”

Miller asked, tears welling in his large, naive eyes.

“There’s no way I can call someone Dr. ***** with a straight face.”

Miller hired a jaded and underpaid Cicerone to sneak into Kent Fuchs’ office and extract a singular hair off of the floor. After consulting a genetic agency, Miller found that Kent Fuchs is 35% alligator, 48% elder god that has existed

since before the dawn of time, and, surprisingly, 12% Canadian.

Unfortunately, this ridiculous endeavor did not shed any light on the pronunciation of the name.

“Honestly, even I’m not sure how it’s pronounced,” President Fuchs said.

“Good fuching luck figuring it out.”

Joe, along with many other UF23 students, has been carefully avoiding having to pronounce the president’s last name all semester. He’s still thinking of a gameplan for when he inevitably has to say “Fuchs” in public.

5 squids had to be killed to print this issue.

DAN MULLEN’S

DAD STYLE GUIDE

BY PAYTON KUHN, STAFF WRI TER

Coach Dan Mullen came into our lives in a trying time. He’s been both the fatherly football coach we need and the style icon we don’t deserve. We sat down with Dan to learn about his iconic outfits, hoping to pick up a few pointers along the way.

“I LET THE SPARKS FLY ON THE GRIDIRON, NOT IN MY WARDROBE.” GENERIC BROWN BELT Many believe that a belt should match the pants. According to Mullen, they would be wrong. In reality, the belt matches with those dashing eyes of his.

UNDERSTATED BUTTON-UP Coach Mullen instills the “Gator Standard” with a reserved checkered button-down –nothing too flashy. Mullen tells us he prefers a subtle style that a few signature hints of Gator pride.

“I ALWAYS TELL MY PLAYERS, PLEATEDNESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS”

Just as we see in his revolutionary offensive game-planning, Dan is not afraid to stand apart from the crowd when he knows his choices will pay off.

BUTT-KICKING JORDANS At the University of Florida, brand recognition is everything. Unlike the past few head ball coaches, Coach Mullen understands this, and he can always be seen sporting a pair of J’s with every recruit, and even their fathers.

PLEATED SLACKS Classic Dan! Coach Mullen always comes through with the pleat-heavy pants. This pair is so well creased that they might just be able to hide a playbook or two.

He also told us that he feels about 25% cooler when wearing them.

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Fall 2019

9

Being a freshman is an unavoidable part of the college experience – taking gen-eds, pulling the cord for the HUB, making friends at residence hall events. Or is it? Find this quiz to find out if you’re actually a junior by credits and get bragging rights to everyone within earshot.

1. How often do you like to talk about your AP/IB classes and exam scores?

I could honestly care less, which is why I got 1.5’s on all the tests. (I didn’t even know that it was possible).

My preview group and I all compared scores, but it wasn’t in a conceited way or anything, I just happened to have all 4’s.

Oh, I didn’t take any of those. I was advanced, so my guidance counselor recommended I dual enroll for all 4 years.

2. What was your first post in the UF Class of ’23 Facebook page?

Asking to be added to the party group chat. I’m not a huge party animal but college is your time to have fun, right?

I started a thread for people to introduce themselves and meet people in their same major. Even made a few friends!

Actually, I joined the UF ‘22 page to ask about starting with Chem 2. I figured other freshman wouldn’t be much help to me.

3. How many credit hours did you add to your schedule for the first semester?

The minimum is 12, right? So 12.

I’m jumping in with 16. I know it’s a lot, but my 4-year plan actually has me graduating a year early, so I need to start off right.

I’m taking 14. I’m just going to skip right past all those gen-ed classes to the core coursework.

4. Are you planning on dating this year?

I’m not sure “dating” is the right word, but I’m definitely always open to meeting cool new people, nothing serious though.

I came to college to get an education, not to find love. That’s why I’m single.

I’m already in a long-term relationship.

They’re a little older than me, but I need that kind of maturity.

5. What’s your major?

Business, I’ve always had a pretty entrepreneurial spirit.

Exploratory. Right now I’m taking Life in the Universe and Man’s Food.

Pre-med, even though it’s not technically a major. I know my long-term plans and nothing is going to distract me from it.

Something else. (There are a lot of majors, we can’t list them all.)

Answer: Honestly, none of you are probably a junior by credits. Unless, of course, you’re actually a junior at UF and you just happened to be taking this quiz because you’re bored—in which case, congrats! You’re a junior by credits. Everyone else, you may or may not think you are a junior by credits, but your advisor will be happy to crush that dream for you in drop/add.

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Fall 2019

11

Kent Fuchs and Dan Mullen to Get Matching Tattoos this Semester

by Kaylee Dris, Staff Writer With a promising football season behind us and a top-ten academic rating under our belt, Kent Fuchs and Dan Mullen have both proven their worth. The two have teamed up in the past, but they’re reportedly taking their relationship to the next step with matching tattoos.

The news of the matching tats, which will commemorate their successes at UF, confirms the popular suspicion that the two are best friends.

From sharing a picnic at Depot Park, to spending their Fridays at Gator Nights, the two have been spotted together multiple times. The tattoos will be a permanent tribute to their lifelong friendship.

Since news of the tattoos was leaked, there has been much speculation about 12

Fall 2019

what artwork the dynamic duo will choose to get inked.

Seventh year senior Evan Kent Smith spends a lot of time hanging outside Fuchs’ office in his free time, begging to graduate and occasionally eavesdropping.

“I’m not sure if I heard right, but I’m pretty sure they’re deciding between ‘I <3 Tim Tebow’ and ‘#It’sGreatUF’. As for placement, I have to do some more digging.”

In the past few weeks, Smith has been bothering Fuchs nonstop in an attempt to learn where the tattoos will be placed. We sat down with Fuchs and

Mullen to ask them the same question.

“It’s a secret,” the pair said simultaneously.

We’re all patiently waiting for the big reveal. Smith claims the tattoos may be unveiled at an event similar to sign night.

“There’ll be a countdown, and everyone will turn around to see the tattoos,” said Smith. “ Even though Fuchs and Mullen have been tight-lipped about the tats, we have learned that Post Malone’s tattoo artist will be making a special visit to Gainesville. He claims to be the only artist qualified to ink the gods.

Also live at the Hub Gainesville apartments!

Mildly Amusing Professor’s Lectures Become Netflix Series

by Joanna Deng, Staff Writer

Dr. Anthony Clarke, a Chemistry professor infamous for attempting to include jokes in his lectures, has been picked up by Netflix after getting a few chuckles from students.

The new comedy series is both written by and stars Clarke and is shot and edited by the director of his recorded lectures. It’s based on, and entirely encompasses the course material of CHM1021, Chemistry for Students Who Have or Are Going to Change Their Major.

“In an effort to constantly expand our entertainment offerings, we have decided to buy any quality productions with a guaranteed audience,” Netflix announced in an official statement.

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The majority of Netflix viewers are divided on the merits of the comedy.

Critics say the plot moves slowly, and it averages only about one poorly executed joke every two episodes.

Others applaud the advanced cinematography and extensive editing of the director as the only thing making the series watchable. Action sequences of whiteboard writing, dramatic pans across the lecture hall, and numerous reaction shots from the students in class make it a visual masterpiece of the recorded lecture genre.

Clarke’s students have reacted positively to their professor’s newfound fame. Attendance has gone up, with many students attending just for the chance to make it into the show. This allows Clarke to include pranks such as the running gag where he reads his PowerPoints wrong, so his students have to rewrite their notes.

Chemical Engineering Freshman Laura Jones never misses a class, since Clarke gives extra credit to any student who laughs at his jokes. “He has about five jokes you will hear repeatedly,” she explained, “so I don’t even have to pay that much attention to get the extra credit.”

Business Administration Sophomore Jake Powell takes the opposite approach, and has not watched a single lecture this semester.

“I usually binge a Netflix show the night before every exam anyway, so this works out well.”

Despite mediocre reviews, the series has been renewed for a second season in summer, according to UF’s Schedule of Courses.

Fall 2019

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Exploratory Majors Required to Claim a Foreign Land Before Graduation

by Robert Lewis, Staff Writer Unlike most Exploratory majors, Christopher Albert Daring knew his purpose on the first day of freshman year. The 21-year-old Exploratory major knew his life’s work wouldn’t take place in a cubicle, but in the open country.

He, along with his fellow Exploratory majors, will need to lay claim to one foreign land before he can receive his B.S. in Exploration. It will be a challenge, but Daring feels that he’s up to the task.

Daring, who commutes to campus on horseback from his home on Payne’s Prairie, was ecstatic to hear the change in UF’s Exploratory program.

“Some see claiming a foreign land for school and country as a mere requirement,” dared Daring, “But I see it as a privilege –manifest destiny, even.”

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The change came about due to the major’s perceived lack of real-world application. In order to make the program more useful than a degree from FSU, administrators are now requiring students to literally alter the global political landscape.

“The Gator Nation truly is everywhere,” said a spokesman for the program. “And if it isn’t somewhere, it’s going to be.”

Most Exploratory majors, who were asked to avoid taking or retaking land from indigenous populations, have started carrying a UF flag on vacation and posing for photos. The university

has been accepting student claims with photographic evidence.

President Fuchs has formally recognized three countries so far: Gatorlandia, Alberta, and Fuchistan. No other governments have made any acknowledgement of the legal status of these countries.

Daring, who corresponded with the Crocodile via messenger hawk, said he hopes to discover a small island in the Atlantic. He has not been seen in three weeks.

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Fat Daddy’s Bathroom Ranked in Top 10 Places to Cry

by Chard Cochran, Staff Writer A recent list detailing the best places to cry in the United States includes one of Gainesville’s favorite spots: the Fat Daddy’s bathroom. Fat Daddy’s Bar and Grill has been vying for the number one spot since the first list was released in 2013.

The list judged different crying environments based on factors such as crowdedness, darkness, floor stickiness, lingering stenches, and the number of mysterious puddles on the ground.

Oh, wow I’m actually gonna miss this place..,” said senior Lizzie Allen when we met up with her at Fat Daddy’s. “Oh my God, I have to go to the bathroom.”

Unfortunately, for Lizzie, the bathroom had reached full capacity as the crying line was wrapped around the corner to Pita Pit. Fat Daddy’s has released plans to address the issue of overcapacity.

To appeal to the judges, Fat Daddy’s has been routinely ignoring the fire code to pack over 200 people into the women’s restroom. On any given night the bathroom sells out crying space, making it the most packed place per capita in the Southeastern United States.

Following their new top 10 status, Fat Daddy’s announced plans to add a second floor to the women’s bathroom

by March of 2019. Other renovations will include large mirrors on every wall, multiple floor drains, and a surround sound speaker system that will play “Lucid Dreams” by JUICE WRLD on loop.

“Yeah, I’ve cried here so many times.

Where am I gonna cry after I graduate?

To accompany their improved bathrooms, the bar has unveiled a new

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ad campaign targeting potential criers.

Events such as Tuesday night’s “Crying Karaoke”, featuring DJ Sad Boi, will encourage non-crying customers to shed some tears. Happy hour is being replaced with sad hour, when all drinks come with a box of tissues.

“I’m really excited to get a turn in the bathroom when the mirrors are installed. It’ll be a step up from crying in front of Italian Gator,” said senior (sophomore by credits) Lily Frost. “Now you can catch me sobbing hysterically on the second floor while DJ Sad Boi plays “Someone Like You” by Adele in the bathroom.”

Fall 2019

17

Satan Finally Admits to Being Mastermind Behind UF Parking

by Stella Vasilopoulos, Staff Writer

Students have long blamed the Parking and Transportation Committee for semesters of parking-related suffering. In a recent press release, Satan himself claims to be the mastermind behind the University of Florida’s parking situation.

“I’ve been expanding my operations to Earth with what we like to call micro-torture,” said Satan.

“The results have been phenomenal. Thousands of students feel despair before they even step foot on campus.”

From insufficient parking spaces to nonsensical ticket rules, students have been struggling to cope with the stress.

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“It’s a gradual process. They start off the semester with a small ticket or a written warning. By the end of the semester, they’re ready to forge a faculty parking pass.”

Many students have reported that parking on campus is one of their main sources of emotional pain. Freshman Jimmy Campbell’s car was towed while he was trying to move into his dorm last August, despite already having a decal in his window.

Under Satan’s supervision, the office of Parking and Transportation Services is advised to occasionally ignore its regulations and standards of practices.

Doing so has drastically increased the number of students sinning.

A few students have figured out how to bypass the parking system altogether. Samantha Taylor, a third-year

accounting major, filled us in on her secret.

“I just bought a gold parking pass, so now I can park wherever I want.

The Plaza of the Americas, the scooter lots, you name it,” said Samantha. “And it all it cost me was my eternal soul. Oh, and I had to switch my major to accounting.”

Satan’s side hustle is surprisingly successful, scoring him several souls since he started selling superior passes last Spring. Students that are hesitant to compromise the core of their being can get a silver decal by promising three years of servitude to Satan.

Please recycle by shoving this magazine into your backpack for 6 months.

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WIN A BRAND NEW SCOOTER! Every day from 9/16 to 10/7, we’re giving away fresh Turlington Coat Factory merch, and giving all participants the chance to win brand new HoneyStar 50 scooter from NS4L! Yeah, that’s right that beautiful scooter you just saw could be yours for free.

1)

Make sure you’re following @ufcrocodile and @ns4l on Instagram.

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Post a picture of you in your favorite Gainesville spot with the hashtag #ns4lxcroc..

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Tag up to 5 friends in your caption for 1 extra entry each!

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Keep an eye on your DMs!

UF Campus to be Demolished, Replaced with Luxury Apartments

by John Lancaster, Staff Writer On Sunday, the University of Florida announced that it has sold the entirety of its campus to luxury apartment developer, Bertram Construction, LLC. The news came as a shock to students of the university, and they responded with relative outrage. This marks yet another Gainesville institution that has been scheduled for demolition, among the many locations to be replaced with luxury high-rises includes: all of Midtown, including the beloved Swamp restaurant, Leonardo’s pizza, and probably any other place you care about.

However, not everyone has reacted poorly to the news poorly. The UF Apartment Enthusiasts Club (UFAEC) in particular has been more than excited about the development.

Time for some *original content*.

“We love the trend of heartless, soulless luxury apartments being built on top of institutions that have been in Gainesville for decades,” said Daniel McGillicuddy, 20, president of the UFAEC. “With any luck, within the next five years, we’ll realize our dream: Every square inch of Gainesville to be one giant, contiguous 5-story luxury apartment building that costs $900 a month to live in and has paper-thin walls, zero maintenance, contracts that you can’t get out of, and more often than not, drunk people passed out in the hallway.”

In an exclusive Crocodile interview, Bertram Bertram, the CEO of Bertram LLC, had this to say: “Ha-ha-ha! This apartment complex is gonna be great, we’re gonna make so much mone– I mean, we’re gonna take advantage of so many stud– I mean, it’s gonna have a rooftop pool!”

The apartment complex on what will soon be the entire demolished UF campus is slated to be finished by 2021, and will be called “University Campus House Lodge Cabana Manor Social Standard101 View Place.”

Fall 2019

25

Feleipe Franks Opens New Hot Dog Restaurant: “Feleipe’s Franks”

by John Lancaster, Staff Writer Good news, hot dog fans! Feleipe Franks, quarterback for the Gators football team, is hanging up the pigskin in favor of pig meat. Set to open late this year, Frank’s new hot dog restaurant, Feleipe’s Franks, will be serving up fresh and greasy hot dogs to the public.

Menu items will include the “Feleipe’s Frank,” a plain hot dog, boiled, and served on a bun, and the “Gameday Special,” a hot dog with ketchup. Also featured is the “Tennessee Hail Mary,” an 63-inch hot dog covered in a “very, very large amount of mustard” [sic].

“Most people probably know me from my football career, but I have another passion in life: cooking up delicious ‘dogs. And I’m also pretty into pilates right now, but that’s not the point,” said Franks, 21.

Franks tells us he got the idea from Steve Spurrier’s upcoming restaurant, Spurrier’s. Steve’s Spurrier’s will cash in on alumni nostalgia with game memorabilia from Spurrier’s personal stash, while Feliepe’s Franks will offer a more hands-on experience.

“I’m gonna boil up those dogs the way Mama Franks made them at home.”

“I plan on working there often, in full football uniform, and throwing hot dogs to customers whenever they’re ready,” said Franks. “I know that sounds messy, but you have to remember that my

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throws are always 100% accurate.”

Feliepe’s dream restaurant is being funded by a group of restaurateurs who really love football player wordplay.

They’re already planning futures ventures, including Tebow’s T-Bones and Wuerffel’s Waffles.

And by original content we mean random gibberish.

4. ONE OF UF’S BEST

inside jokes is to call the Reitz Union the Reitz Onion. It’s an inside joke, so you probably don’t get it, but you can use this to score points with the upperclassmen.

10. ACADEMIC ADVISORS are legally required to put you in classes, regardless of whether they’re “full”, as long as you ask them twice a day every day, excluding national holidays.

The ovens in the dorms only go up to 100 degrees. Plan accordingly.

5. SNAP DRIVERS WILL take you through the Taco Bell drive thru if you slide them $4.

6. YOU’LL REGRET

buying the residence activity card. And if you don’t regret it, you’re a huge nerd. You could’ve spent that money on the Taco Bell drive thru.

7.

THE OVENS IN 1. TRUST EVERYTHING on this list, and everything written in the Crocodile in general. Obviously, the whole purpose of college is to do as you’re told and not question anything.

2. AT PARTIES, MAKE

sure to ask everyone to tell you their name, major, and where they’re from.

It’s rude not to. Also make sure you remember their answers because you can literally never ask them again.

3. IF YOU HAVEN’T

been invited to any parties yet, check out the Reitz Bowling Alley. We wouldn’t know, because all of us are incredibly popular extroverts, but maybe you’ll be able to make some friends there.

the common area of the residence halls only reach 100° F. This means that the ovens are constantly in use, often with sign up sheets days in advance for when you’ll be able to use them. We recommend sticking with the Taco Bell drive thru until you move off campus.

8. HATE TURLINGTON

flyerers? The best way to get them to leave you alone is to stop right in front of them, scream as loudly as you can, and start swingin’. We guarantee they’ll back down after that.

9. IF YOU’RE CHARGED

with assaulting a Turlington flyerer, visit www.studentlegalservices.ufl.edu to get help from UF’s free legal services.

11. IF A CONSTRUCTION worker asks you to hold any kind of tool, just say no and walk away.

12. ROOMMATES CAN’T

be trusted. It doesn’t matter if you knew them in high school, are best friends, or are members of the same cult.

You have to, have to, cut open your mattress and stuff all your valuables in it for the entirety of the semester.

13. UF IS A PEPSI

school, so there’s no Coke on campus at all. Not in the vending machines.

Not in the dining hall. Stop looking, you won’t find any.

14. THERE ARE SOME

raccoons in the woods behind Weaver.

Just thought you should know.

15. IF YOU NEED TO GET rid of your parents, try showing them all the random junk in the UF bookstore. It’s easy to lose them in there, and then it takes them several hours to find your dorm again.

16. IF YOU DON’T

want to get rid of your parents, then congratulations. You have a normal relationship with your parents.

Asking someone their major is 17. THE FLORIDA GYM the best way to make conversation.

is the absolute best place to work out.

Visit every day to avoid the dreaded Freshman 15.

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Lorem ipsum, etc., etc.

18. I THINK THAT

26. FREE KRISHNA

33. GATOR NIGHTS IS

19. BEFRIEND A

27. HURRICANES

34. SMOKING IS NOT

there’s a Winn-Dixie somewhere in Gainesville. You’ll probably never need to go there, so it doesn’t really matter.

student athlete. Then maybe you’ll have a shot at visiting the infamous Gator Dining chocolate fountain.

lunch isn’t really free. You have to join Krishna House, and the dues are like $500 every semester for the rest of forever.

aren’t a big deal. They’re not a great team and their academics suck, too.

Don’t worry about them at all.

Student organizations are really serious.

Don’t go to the general body meeting unless you’re serious about commiting.

20. REALLY THINK IT

through before you decide to join any student organizations. It’s actually really serious.

21. WEARING YOUR

preview lanyard isn’t lame because it’s from preview and it makes it obvious that you’re a freshman. Wearing any lanyard at all is lame.

22. DON’T THINK TOO

much about the steaming manholes.

People who start asking questions about them tend to go missing. Best to just avoid them as much as possible.

23. IT’S COMPLETELY

impossible to know whether Gator Dining will be good until you’ve entered the building. You just have to take the jump.

24. THERE’S FREE

Gatorade in the infirmary. There’s also germs in there, but you’ll probably survive it. It’s worth the risk anyway, because it’s free.

25. HAVE A CAR?

Park it wherever you want! UFPD isn’t real police so their parking tickets aren’t real either!

28. DORM SHOWERS

are not worth it. Take one scalding shower before you leave your parents house and then don’t shower until Winter break.

29. OBEY THE CURFEW

of 1 AM. The sewer alligators come out of the steam vents at that time, and usually operate until about 4 AM. Any living thing that is on campus at that time is fair game for them.

30. DON’T ATTEMPT

to roll down stadium road in a stolen shopping cart. We tried it, for science, and it wasn’t a great time.

sponsored by prohibitionists as a way to convince young adults that they can have fun without drinking. But I think they have free popcorn.

allowed on campus, but if you offer the police a few drags you can probably get away with it.

35. THE BLUE LIGHTS

you see around campus were installed to help herd lost bats back to the bat houses. The bats are attracted to the lights, and will follow the path of them until they’ve found their way home.

Avoid pressing the buttons at night, unless you’re looking for a swarm of bats to hit you in the face.

36. THE P.O.D. MARKETS on campus are interesting little stores that sell all things pod. They have AirPods, Tide Pods, anthropods, and Pieces of Damp String (P.O.D.s). All these are offered at about 7x their original price. It’s a wonder that these stores are still open.

37. UF “REQUIRES”

that students have health insurance, but they won’t check up on it in any way, so don’t worry about it.

Dorm showers are incredibly gross.

It’s much better to just not shower at all.

31. THEORETICALLY,

there are other cities surrounding Gainesville. You might hear about them from Alachua County Residents (ACRs), but don’t be fooled. None of them are worth visiting.

38. WHENEVER YOU’RE

feeling kind of lonely or down, remember that you can go to your professor’s office hours and they’re legally obligated to talk to you until the time slot is over.

32. INSERT TIP #32

Select > Right Click > “Fill with Placeholder Text”.

Fall 2019

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uf alerts

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Fall 2019

Are these footers almost done yet?

[IS ARRESTED IN SPANISH]

Estudiante Arrestada Después de Atacar a Alguien Que La Llamó “Spanish”

by Nicolle Buchbinder, Contributing Writer Una estudiante fue arrestada después de atacar a otro estudiante, cuando la llamó “Spanish” solo porque ella habla español. La policía la arrastraba mientras ella gritaba: “¡Hablo español, no soy española! ¡Dame una arepa!”

María Linda Ortega Nuñez Hernandez Cortés de Álvaro, en su segundo año en UF, está estudiando psicología. Antes de este episodio, de Álvaro era una estudiante que todos sus profesores amaban. Ella escribió todos sus correos electrónicos en inglés y nunca habló spanglish en clase.

“No te digo que eres English sólo porque hablas inglés,” dijo de Álvaro, “¿Dónde está mi arepa?”

Mientras la policía interrogaba, salimos y le compramos una arepa.

Entre las mordeduras nos habló de su lucha por la igualdad de derechos para todos los hispanohablantes y latinos.

“Esto es más importante que fiestas, Daddy Yankee y arroz con frijoles,” dijo de Álvaro. “Esto es sobre el sentido común.”

Cuando la policía la libera, de Álvaro iniciará una campaña nacional para concienciar a este debate que amenaza la vida. Quiere que los gringos y quizás otros también sepan que Spanish es de España, el latino es de América Latina y el hispano es de países donde se habla español.

por ahora,” dijo de Álvaro. “Su única contribución a la vida es Cristiano Ronaldo.”

El estudiante que fue atacado, Carlos Gutiérrez, sólo sufrió un pequeño rasguño. La policía ni siquiera lo interrogó y lo acompañó a su clase más importante del día: Man’s Food.

“No aprendí mucho en clase, pero aprendí una lección de vida mucho más importante: Nunca llame a alguien Spanish,” dijo Gutiérrez. “No pensé que de Álvaro se iba ofender tanto, porque es de Madrid.”

“Podemos ignorar a los portugueses

Good thing we had so many ads in the middle to take up space.

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humans of uf Last night I met my soulmate in midtown. There he was at Grog, chugging Natty Light to impress his friends. Imagine your standard fraternity bro, but with a thinning man bun and just a sprinkle of neckbeard. He was pretty wasted when he came over to me and asked if my dress was felt, and if I wanted it to be. He saved his number in my phone as “Merk”, which I’m hoping was some kind of drunken typo. Guess I can delete my Tinder again!

My parents told me that I had to get involved on campus as soon as I arrived. I had no idea what I was supposed to get involved in seeing that my only interests outside of school are drinking and playing Mario Kart, so I just joined everything. I’m in the FilmLovers Organization, Exotic Animals Enthusiasts, some fraternity, and the Pre-Dental Students Association - I’m a marketing major but I don’t think they’ll notice. I still get drunk 3-4 times a week and blow off doing my homework to play video games, but I showed up to the first meetings for all of those and put my email down.

When I got into UF, I got really involved in what they call “extreme hammocking”. The idea is basically to hammock wherever you can, as often as possible. If you remember the whole planking thing, it’s kind of like that except way more relaxing and comfortable. The guy to beat is this legend, Dalton Jamok, who is fabled to have hammocked in Carleton Auditorium while taking his calculus final. I don’t know if I’ll ever be half the hammocker Dalton was, but I can dream.

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But we added more pages to keep our content to ad ratio cool.

Hey, I saw you taking people’s pictures. Would you mind if I talked to you for a minute? Yeah, I’m just trying to meet up with a friend, but those tablers keep bothering me. I guess because Turlington is a free speech zone, no one can just loiter here anymore? It’s like you have to donate to Dance Marathon or join a club or go vote in the Student Government election just because you’re in this space. I’m an apathetic college student and I just want a space where no one talks to me or asks me to do anything, is that so wrong?

My parents live a few hours away, and I barely tell them anything about my life anymore. They think I’m a biology major on the pre-med track, but really I switched my major to anthropology. Scandalous, I know.

I’m playing this awful game of seeing how long I can keep it from them. Can I fake it at graduation? Can I photoshop my diploma?

And if so, how am I gonna pull off pretending to be a doctor?

Help! These footers are being written by unpaid interns, please save us!

Fall 2019

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DANCE MARATHON

AT THE

university of florida

of funds raised each year go to UF Health Shands Children’s Hospital.

48% RESEARCH

42%

PATIENT CARE

10% EDUCATION

Dance Marathon at the University of Florida is a year-long effort that culminates in a 26.2-hour event where over 800 students stand on their feet to symbolize the obstacles faced by children with serious illnesses. Each year, DM at UF raises funds and awareness for UF Health Shands Children’s Hospital, our local Children’s Miracle Network Hospital.

With donations coming in from around the country, DM at UF’s fight For The Kids is well-recognized by many. From parents and alumni, to local businesses and corporations, we gain our support from many near and far.

Visit us and learn more at: floridadm.org

AT THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA

FACT #419: There is a secret bar inside Norman Tunnel. To get in, you have to find the graffiti art that look s like Albert holding a beer. Once you’ve found it, you have to knock twice and then Tebow kneel in fron t of it. A secret doorway will open and you’re in! They serve Four Lokos for $10 each.

As a college student, there are probably a lot of things you don’t know. Here are some of them.

FACT #231: After the bat houses filled up in 2015, one floor of Beaty Towers was converted to an overflow bat house. Some Innovation Academy students still live on this floor, with slightly decreased semester rates. These student residents no longer come out during the day, and have pale skin with sickly eyes. It’s unknown whether they are vampires or simply average college students.

FACT #231

FACT #419

FACT #197

FACT #007

Michelin FACT #197: Gator Dining won a r original thei Star in 1965 when they revealed one of “Albert omelet.” At the time, it was lets the the most innovative quick-serve ome n. They lost see r eve had collegiate dining world n they whe 7 the Star three years later in 196 for one. had to wait over 20 minutes in line

FACT #007: Crocodiles are actu ally much different than alligators. While crocodiles are sati re publications, alligators are actual newspapers printed on like newsprint and stuff.

Despite popular opinion, they can coexist, although crocodiles are more docile overall due to lack of AP style adherence.

The Crocodile locks us in a secret room in Marston until the footers are done.

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horoscopes

by Joanna Deng, Staff Writer

ARIES

TAURUS

GEMINI

March 21 - April 19

April 20 - May 20

May 21 - June 20

Your week will be partially cloudy with scattered storms.

That’s a metaphor, not a weather forecast. But bring an umbrella just in case.

The stars are silent. You swear they’re giving you the cold shoulder. If you ask them what’s wrong, you might start a fight.

What will you do, Taurus?

[Insert generalized life prediction here.]

CANCER

LEO

VIRGO

June 21 - July 22

July 23 - August 22

August 23 - September 22

Somewhere in the world, a kitten is sneezing. This doesn’t really affect you, we just wanted to let you know because it’s cute.

You’ll meet an FSU student that looks just like you. Don’t joke about UF being better, or you will trigger a series of events leading to World War III.

You’ll meet a new romantic interest, but one of you has AirPods and the other doesn’t. It isn’t meant to be.

LIBRA

SCORPIO

SAGITTARIUS

September 23 - October 22

October 23 - November 21

November 22 - December 21

Your next test grade will be the exact class mean. How does it feel to be perfectly average?

Oh, Scorpio, your future does not look bright. We suggest sleeping in for the next few months.

You’ll actually learn something and have a lively conversation in a required Canvas discussion.

(Just kidding.)

CAPRICORN

AQUARIUS

PISCES

December 22 - January 19

January 20 - February 18

February 19 - March 20

Any food you try to make today will set off the fire alarm. Use this as an excuse to order pizza.

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Fall 2019

There is a 83.7% chance everything will be okay. We predicted that with Astrology.

It’s a science.

This space left intentionally blank.

They only feed us old Gator Dining pizza. Please help. We all have scurvy.

college kids’ corner

by John Della Costa, Staff Writer

WORD SEARCH

CONNECT THE DOTS

There are so many wonderful things to discover on campus!

Use the word bank to find some of them in the text block.

G F

E

B

A D H E

A

F

A

I

L

T

F

A C

F

T

S

U R

E C E

T

A

J

I

A

E U W O C

O S H N E

L

L

U R

P

E

R

F

U A

T S

T H E

B

R

A N B

A

I

K

E O N U G Y W V

D F

R

E

E C O N D O M S

E

P Q U V

F U A

T

S

S

T

R

parking sense of purpose free beer paid internship

L

E

I

O G D

S D N W B W

happiness counseling meaning cicerone wages

fall the good life time to study career opportunity

MAZE Syllabus week was a long time ago, and your bank account is still looking empty. Solve this maze to get to your financial aid!

START

FINANCIAL AID

We’re failing out of college because we haven’t been to any classes all semester.

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Dumb articles.

Semi-regularly.

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@ufcrocodile