The Crocodile - 2018 F-It Book

We Inform.

You Accept.

We’re super tight with the University of Florida

Confirmed: Everyone Silently Laughing at You at Southwest Rec

Quiz: Which Library Are You?

SEPTEMBER - OC TOBER 2018

Student Can’t Find Parking Spot, Drives to Hometown

Dumb articles.

Semi-regularly.

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

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Art Director’s Letter

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Student Can’t Find Parking Spot, Drives to Hometown

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The 2018 F-It Book

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Tragic Misunderstanding Leads to FBI Raid on UF “Weed Science” Building

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Woman Kicked Out of Stadium for Asking Which Player is Tim Tebow

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UF to Fund New Pumpkin Spice Rehab Facility

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Did You Know?

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UF Alerts

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Quiz: Which Library Are You?

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Confirmed: Everyone Silently Laughing at You at Southwest Rec

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18 Things To Do in 18 Hours

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Student Health Care Center Implementará el Uso de

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Op Ed: Career Showcase Needs a Nepotism Day

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Dogs Reading the Crocodile

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Horoscopes

September - November 2018

A 6

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Wasssssssssssssssup we’re BACK!

ART DIRECTOR’S LETTER CONTRIBUTORS

Hey, My name is Jea and I’m the Crocodile’s new art director, whatever that means. I don’t know what to write about here, so I’ll just list off some facts like it’s the first day of class or something.

1. I like to make art. I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m bad at it though.

2. I really like spicy food but I also have a low tolerance for it. I eat it and then immediately regret it.

3. I’m a total nerd.

4. One time a seagull stole a sandwich from me at the beach while I was eating it.

5. I’m very allergic to cats, but I still want to pet them.

6. I played the saxophone for 9 years.

7. I like Pangolins.

8. I’ve never seen snow.

9. I have an older sister who is less cool than me.

10. I might be a little intimidated by the writers, because they’re cool and much funnier than me.

So yeah, that’s just some dumb stuff about me. Idk. Enjoy this picture of me as a deep fried Twinkie.

Thanks, that’s all,

Editor in Chief Peyton Stahler Assistant Editor Amalie Batchedler (Art) Director Jea Naseer Writers Danny Abrahantes Sean Burnette J.A. Cheney Joanna Deng Robert Lewis Seamus Love Nick Lundquist Emily Olson Grace Pickron Will Jeff Scherer Mary Grace Scully Jason Other Important People Laney Davidson Shane Coll

MORE CROC Contact admin@thecrocodile.org P.O. Box 14512 Gainesville, FL 32603

Jea, (Art) Director

Advertising advertising@swamp.media Website thecrocodile.org Social Media @ufcrocodile September - November 2018

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Student Can’t Find Parking Spot, Drives to Hometown

by Mary Grace Scully, Crocodile Staff Writer

After his third lap around campus without finding a parking spot, freshman Robby Willis decided his only option was to drive home… to South Florida.

nicest outfit, a button-down with khakis from Macy’s. To avoid getting soaked before his big day, he decided to take his car to class.

He started driving. And kept driving. The closest parking space he could think of was in his parents’ driveway, 5 hours away in Ft. Lauderdale.

I have a Red 1 parking pass, so I’m basically a second-class citizen,

Willis was foolish enough to try for the smaller parking lots closest to his destination, but found them completely full. Running short on time, he resolved to head to the Commuter Lot, and take an Uber the rest of the way.

Willis didn’t mean to wind up back home, but he was grateful for a chance to forget about the failing grade he’d just earned and the fact that he’d need to drop, and then retake, the worst class ever.

said the exploratory major.

Willis lives in Springs Residential Complex and says he keeps his Toyota Camry parked near his dorm during the week.

“I avoid driving because I know how difficult finding a spot is,” said Willis. “My Bright Futures check went straight to Uber.”

One rainy Tuesday, Willis had first presentation in his Public Speaking class. He wore his 6

September - November 2018

Willis arrived to a sea of cars. He began making laps, waiting for someone to leave.

After three passes, he returned to the lot by his dorm, only to find that it, too, was full. Already late for his presentation, Willis began looking for lots further and further away, but found nothing that wouldn’t earn him a ticket.

In regards to finding a spot on campus when he inevitably has to return, Willis said he plans on filling up his tank and taking laps around the commuter lot until something opens up.

“I’ll listen to ‘Mo Bamba’ on repeat for as long as it takes.”

And the footer guy is PUMPED!!!

F-IT BOOK

Remember at preview, when you got a list of campus traditions to complete before you graduate? It was a nice little book called the “F Book” with beautiful photography and G-rated suggestions of how to spend your college years.

Sure, you could fill that thing out and get a medal or a pin or something. But that’s a lot of work and expectation and getting pictures printed. Instead of that, we came up with a list of things you were probably gonna do anyway, so you can check things off and feel important without too much effort.

p

EAT SO MUCH AT GATOR DINING YOU THROW UP This is a true right of passage for any Gator. I mean, why would they make all the meal plan food buffets unless they wanted you to eat that whole pizza? And omelette. And maybe a bowl of dry cereal. Ooh, and an ice cream.

SET FOOT ON CAMPUS AT LEAST ONE TIME I might just CAPTALIZE a word in every footer!

Don’t forget to check this one off your list before you graduate! We promise it’s okay, even if you have the orange Gator 1.

TELL YOUR PARENTS NOT TO COME FOR FAMILY WEEKEND This one is pretty self explanatory. Ideally, they never find out about parents weekend in the first place, but if they do, nip that idea right in the bud. Saying you have an exam the following Monday usually works.

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SKIP CLASS TO STUDY FOR ANOTHER CLASS

OVERCHARGE A FRESHMAN FOR YOUR ICLICKER

Looking to validate your own chronic laziness AND get a point in our stupid fake F book? Fine, you can just have this one.

Just tell them it’s the only model that works with their lecture because the professor is tech illiterate. It made me $60 bucks!

CRY AT A GATOR FOOTBALL GAME

DO THE TEBOW DANCE!

There are a lot of valid reasons to check this off your Gator bucket list. For the life of me though, I can’t think of any of them besides being incredibly drunk.

This dance, originally made famous by our own Tim Tebow has been adopted by troubled youth everywhere as a creative outlet since his Heisman award. The joke is that the person in the picture is doing a dab.

So you J School kids better not give us a hassle.

SAY YOU’RE TOO COOL FOR GATOR GROWL, BUT THEN GO ANYWAY Gator Growl is definitely awesome and I love all the guests! Please buy an ad so we can eat next month.

PIZZA! College kids like us love pizza! Haha!! I love getting together with the SQUAD and ordering some HOT PIES! What was that? Did someone say DEEP DISH?? OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

So you J School kids better not give us a hassle.

LIE ABOUT VOTING IN SG ELECTIONS Usually there are a bunch of stickers on the floor you can pick up so you look like you care about this sort of thing. You can even try this in real elections!

FAIL TO REPORT FINANCIAL AID ON YOUR TAXES This one helps your Gator cred and your uh, regular cred. And by regular cred I mean “immediate financial situation” and not “future financial situation when you might be audited.”

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HAVE AN ALL-OUT EXISTENTIAL CRISIS ABOUT YOUR MAJOR Maybe you’ll get tired of taking boring and confusing classes, or maybe you’ll fail one and change your major just to not retake it. Either way, you’ll eventually have to confront what you’re doing with your life, and it won’t be pretty.

SAY YOU’LL STOP PROCRASTINATING At the beginning of every semester, you’ll

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diligently fill out you planner while promising you’ll be better this time. Spoiler alert: you won’t.

FAIL CALCULUS If you pass calculus on the first try, you’re a nerd.

Everybody knows this. Make sure you fail at least once to check this tradition off! (We made this one so you can tell your friends that you failed on purpose.)

JOIN A CLUB, THEN SLOWLY REDUCE ENGAGEMENT OVER TIME

So you J School kids better not give us a hassle.

Just treat this club like it’s one of your personal relationships. Start off really strong, but be too awkward to maintain contact for a longer and longer amount of time until you just give up altogether.

DROWN YOUR ROOMMATE IN LAKE WAUBERG You know you want to do it. Come on, we’re giving you a free pass here. They change the

thermostat during your morning class every day.

And don’t forget the time they ate all your granola bars and said “what are you gonna do, drown me in Lake Wauberg?”

TRY YOUR FIRST BEER AT 21 This one is for our juniors and seniors only! Enjoy an ice cold craft beer at a casual hangout like Fat’s or JJ’s. Just be careful, or you might get a little buzzed!!

Wow, look at you! You’ve probably done a few of these things already! Don’t you feel super accomplished now? You’re welcome! If you wanna show off, you can send us pics of you doing this stuff at @ufcrocodile on Facebook or Instagram. That’s not too much work for you, right?

So you J School kids better not give us a hassle.

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September - November 2018

So you J School kids better not give us a hassle.

assle.

Tragic Misunderstanding Leads to FBI Raid on UF “Weed Science” Building

by Nick Lundquist, Crocodile Staff Writer The University of Florida has been the target of a monumental assault by the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

The FBI received a tip from a concerned UF parent regarding a mysterious “Weed Science” facility on campus. The building, which is supposedly part of the school’s agronomy department, was swiftly investigated for any signs of illegal plants or paraphernalia.

Five students were detained for possible study and cultivation of the Devil’s Lettuce. After a thorough questioning and many eye rolls, the students have been released without any charges.

Rachel Spring, a junior biology major, was traumatized after witnessing her classmates being taken away in handcuffs.

She expressed surprise and disappointment in the FBI’s process.

“I just happened to be late that day, so I wasn’t taken for questioning,” said Spring.

Can you imagine if things had been different?

Thank God I spent the morning getting h-, uh, homework done.

Witnesses of the sting report an alarming number of FBI agents on site. Numerous black SUVs, UFPD vehicles, and armed That’s how JAZZED I am to be back!

SWAT personnel lingered around the area for the rest of the day.

Sus was shocked at the news, and seemed very distrustful of the FBI.

Special Agent James Peck was willing to answer some questions about the operation.

“What are they doing here?

This can’t be happening. They haven’t found anything yet, right?”

“I mean… It says weed right there on the front. This wouldn’t be the first time a drug ring was hiding in plain sight.”

Agent Peck shared that the sting had not turned up any illegal drugs. He assured us that the FBI would be thorough and make sure there wasn’t anything hiding in the weeds.

The investigation lasted approximately 8 days, or 420 hours, before being formally closed with no arrests.

We contacted Dr. Hae Li Sus, a professor and researcher at UF, to get his take on the incident. Dr. September - November 2018

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Woman Kicked Out of Stadium for Asking Which Player is Tim Tebow

by Emily Olson, Crocodile Staff Writer

During this weekend’s football game, one student caused even more upset in the stands than usual.

20 year old Gator fan, Kelly Smith, was removed by UFPD for asking what all professors would unanimously agree was a dumb question.

“I’m sorry! I just heard all this talk about this Tim guy, but I couldn’t read his name on any of the jerseys,” said Smith, whose only Gator affiliated clothing is a $125 sweatshirt from the bookstore.

“So how am I supposed to know everyone would be mad at me for not being able to tell. But he’s number thirteen, right?”

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September - November 2018

The incident occurred about halfway through the first quarter, when Smith tapped the shoulder of the person in front of her, and asked “Which one of those guys is Tim Tebow?” All movement, sound, and time suddenly came to a screeching halt in section 24.

Angry fans immediately began shouting, throwing beers, and attacking Smith. One dad reportedly asked Smith “What are you doing in my swamp?” Dan Mullen allegedly shouted “Not sure, will check roster and get back to you.”

After five minutes of scuffling about, the police removed Smith from the scene, and detained her for the night.

She’s clearly a danger to society, but no one pressed charges, so we only kept her until the game had ended, stated the UF police chief.

“However, we did have her watch a reel of Tim Tebow best plays of 2008, just for her own safety.”

Smith said she is sorry for hurting anyone, and she can’t wait to see Patric Young play when basketball starts.

Are you GUYS happy to be back or what??

BEST OF GAINESVILLE A magazine that isn’t completely made up.

Pick it up for free in campus boxes today.

@bestofgainesville

bestofgnv.com

hello@swamp.media

UF to Fund New Pumpkin Spice Rehab Facility

by Danny Abrahantes, Crocodile Staff Writer It’s that time of year again for everyone’s favorite seasonal drink: The Pumpkin Spice Latte. It’s safe to say some are more excited than others, like sophomore Lina Sargles, who assures us that what she has is a light affinity, not an addiction.

“When September 1st hits, and honestly sometimes late August, I’m immediately thinking about pumpkin spice,” Sargles said, holding a PSL in her hand, and a pumpkin muffin in the other.

“To be honest, it’s kind of what gets me through the spring and summer as well.”

UF has noticed the rising trend in students drinking the deliciously fattening beverage, and what originally was a sign of fall has now become a serious concern. Gregory Lasini, head of Student Rehabilitation Resources, expressed his worries.

Pumpkin Spice addiction program by next fall. Some students are on board with this, such as Dylan Trois, who proclaims he despises the fascination with pumpkin spice.

It’s not even good, “We’ve been talking about it it’s just fake pumpkin for a while, and I see the need, so flavoring with sprinkles on we’re slowly working on building top. It tastes like a candle. a Pumpkin Spice Rehab Facility, or a PSRF,” saidLasini, who prefers a hot cup of black coffee in the morning.

“This will be a great step for all the students who waste their flexbucks on $6 lattes.”

Lasini hopes to roll out the 16

September - November 2018

school? I don’t get how they’re ok with us spending hundreds on textbooks, but not this.”

Lasini, however, knows that eventually students will come to appreciate the addition, which is only meant to help.

“Having this facility can only do good. We’re not done though; we’re keeping an eye on peppermint mocha intake, too.”

Other students, like Sargles, feels like it is a waste of school funding and wishes they would turn their attention elsewhere.

“We have so many improvements to make and this is how they decide to work on the I realize that last one might have been a little SEXIST.

by Seamus Love As a college student, there are probably a lot of things you don’t know. Here are some of them.

The University of Florida was recently approved to add Fortnite as a division 1 sport. The faculty thinks that this will help appeal to 12 - 15 year old prospective students. Haha get it, guys? It’s because hating Fortnite is really in right now!

FACT #081

FACT #770 Cicerones are contractually required to walk backwards 24 hours per day. The University is so strict about this rule that they offer $25 flexbucks rewards for reports of Cicerones breaking contract.

FACT #129

3rd The Reitz Union bowling alley is the , pus most profitable building on cam bringing in over $7million a year. It’s enue thought that the majority of this rev es is from awkward parent-children gam extras played where parents “splurge” on things like Wing Zone and the little bumper s. that make sure you always hit the pin

Just an unfortunate casualty in my CAPITALIZATION CRUSADE!

FACT #491

The average ACT score of FSU stud ents is 13.

However, the university is said to be lowering their standards in response to a sma ller application pool.

September - November 2018

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UF Alerts

by Sean Burnette

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September - November 2018

I guess the crusades were PRETTY bad too though…

Which Library Are You?

by Emily Olson

Take this quiz to find out which library lines up with your personality!

Start Here Have you gone to class in the last week?

Yes

No

No

Have you ever been to anyone’s office hours?

Yes

No

Have you changed your major?

Do you take flyers from people in Turlington?

Yes

No

Do you feel bad when you scare squirrels?

Yes

Yes

Do you talk to your parents regularly?

Yes

No

Have you ever wished for your professor to be fired?

No

Yes

No

Newell Hall

Newell Hall

Newell Hall

Congratulations! You’re the elusive well-rounded student we see in college brochures.

You belong in Newell Hall.

It’s perfect on the outside, but something’s just not quite right. Just like you.

Okay, um... I don’t know what to do with you. You’ve done some things that a good student would do, but you’re not the nerd that goes to office hours either. Just go to Newell Hall.

I’m getting some bad vibes from you. You should try Newell Hall. I bet you’ll fit right in. Or you can burn it to the ground. Either is fine with me.

Okay, I’m just digging a hole here.

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Confirmed: Everyone Silently Laughing at You at Southwest Rec

by J.A. Cheney, Crocodile Staff Writer

The news that you’ve been avoiding has finally been confirmed: everyone at Southwest Rec is laughing at your gym performance.

Although you’re making a respectable attempt at embracing a healthier lifestyle, your efforts are embarrassing. You’re being secretly judged and silently ridiculed, from the moment you place your greasy hand on the scanner until you call it quits too early.

“Yeah I’ve seen you go through all manners of exercise equipment that you just never use quite right,” said Dax Thornberry.

“I’ve been watching you try to exercise here for the better part of the last three semesters, and it’s clear that you really can’t get the results you want.”

around people who intimidate you. Just know that you really are a joke to them and everyone who sees you here. Especially those who you think are in worse shape than you are.”

Thornberry, a senior APK major, gym rat, and all around jerkwad, tames his judgment for some of the less-shapely gymgoers, but hates your guts.

This confirmation should come as no surprise to you, since everyone can tell from a glance that you’re truly an embarrassment to yourself.

“I do respect those who come in here with little to no weightlifting experience, but you on the other hand are someone who I truly do condescend.”

Southwest is no different than the library, the buses, your classes, or the Plaza of the Americas: where everyone finds you to be an amusement.

Marcy Phillips, an employee at Southwest, also confirmed that she’s judging your workouts.

Oh yeah we definitely hate your guts,

“Of course I think you should come to this gym and work out How ‘bout them Gators, eh?

“I just don’t like you and I can tell that you have no idea what you’re doing with yourself.”

It should be noted, of course, that there really is no reason for why people see you this way.

But make no mistake, everyone is thinking exactly the same negative things that you think of yourself, and it really isn’t good.

“In short, all of your insecurities are apparent just from looking at you,” Karta added.

But I wouldn’t worry about it too much.

said Adi Karta, who prides herself on non-judgement towards all.

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18 THINGS TO DO 9:00 AM

2:00 PM

Lay in Bed for Another Hour

Think of Reasons to Skip Class

You know you shouldn’t have stayed up that late. Hit that snooze button and make up for it!

You’ll be fine.

10:00 AM

Wait in Line at Starbucks Every Starbucks in Gainesville is guaranteed to have a line. You need your daily coffee though.

You don’t really need to go, right? Attendance isn’t mandatory and you can just watch the lecture online later. And you’d probably just use your phone the whole time anyway.

3:00 PM

Go to Class Anyway You’re weak. Now you’re going to pay attention and learn something.

11:00 AM

See the Sights on an RTS Bus There’s so much to see if you take the 7 bus around East Gainesville. Typical rides last from 30 minutes to an hour, so you might be able to do it twice!

4:00 PM

Wait for the Bus Home It says that the bus is right down the street but it’s been 45 minutes and you’re still sitting at the stop. Don’t make eye contact with anyone.

Tensions are too high.

12:00 PM

Eat at Wendy’s for the Fourth Time This Week You only eat it because it’s close and relatively cheap. You’ve developed such a hatred for the taste that it takes you a long time to finish it.

Nap All that sitting and doing nothing sure is exhausting. Better get some rest so you can function through the rest of the day.

1:00 PM

6:00 PM

Watch the Campus Construction

Unsuccessfully Attempt to Count the Bats at the Bat Houses

The Engineering building near the Reitz is a good one to view as it’s close to the heart of campus. If you wait long enough, you might see someone working.

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5:00 PM

September - November 2018

When the sun sets, the bats come out. Rumor has it, if you successfully count all the bats, you get a year’s supply of guano.

For real though please tell some info about the football team.

DO IN 18 HOURS

BY SEAN BURNETTE

7:00 PM

10:00 PM

“Study”

Get Ready to Go to Midtown

This is a joke.

8:00 PM

Contemplate Which Netflix Show to Watch You’ve put in a lot of hard work today. It’s time to relax and scroll through the entire Netflix catalog without ever picking a show.

9:00 PM

What will you wear? Can you afford an Uber?

Do you really want to go out? What poor soul are you going to drag with you?

11:00 PM

Remember an Assignment Due at Midnight Tonight You may be in the club but if you can just type a few more sentences for this discussion post you should be fine. Have another drink first, though.

Go Get a Late Night Snack

12:00 AM

You’re feeling pretty good about today now so you’re gonna treat yourself. You’ll have plans to get something healthy but you won’t be able to resist Taco Bell once you see it in the distance.

Strike Up a Conversation with the Housing Security Patrol You’ve probably never seen or heard of them, but they work until 4:00 AM so maybe they would enjoy the company.

1:00 AM

Watch a Fight Outside the Bar Our money is on the one in a polo shirt.

2:00 AM

End Up at Home Somehow You’re pretty lucky to be alive, all things considered. There’s no way you’re gonna get 8 hours of sleep tonight, so you might as well stay up another 2 hours watching the Food Network.

My parents really think I’m into sports.

September - November 2018

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Get Tatted but, like, without freaking out your grandma

S i c r m S a

s p d

e e e

Temporary tattoo sheet available only at 24

turlingtoncoatfactor y.com

September - November 2018

Edit this footer.

I

oter.

Student Health Care Center Implementará el Uso de Colitas de Rana

by Jason, Crocodile Staff Writer

En un cambio histórico, el SHCC ha declarado que van a implementar el uso de la frase curativa “Sana, sana, colita de rana. Si no sana hoy, sanará mañana.” Los empleados del SHCC están emocianados por el avance medicinal.

Mucha gente cree que esta frase sólo se puede usar para curar moretones cuando te caigas de la bicicleta, pero ahora se sabe que funciona en todo tipo de herida, con pocas excepciones.

“La ciencia va progresando sin importar las opiniones del público,” dijo Dra. Sánchez, doctora principal con el SHCC.

“No hemos visto casi nada que esta frase mágica no pueda curar,” dijo Dr. Metcalfe, investigador en medicina tradicional.

“Las colitas de rana se encuentran bien poderosas en curar cualquier tipo de enfermedad.”

La única excepción es la Plaga UF, la cuál nada puede curar.

I’m not ready to tell them that I just don’t care.

La Enfermería ahora da colitas de rana gratis para que los estudiantes se curen ellos mismos.

Puedes encontrarlas al lado de los condones gratis junto con instrucciones para usarlas. Sólo hay que poner la colita sobre el área afectada y decir “Sana, sana, colita de rana, si no sana hoy sanará mañana.” Pronto verás que si no sana en el día de decir la frase, sanará mañana.

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Op-Ed: Career Showcase Needs a Nepotism Day

by Joanna Deng, Crocodile Staff Writer While it’s true that UF’s Career Showcase provides many students with job or internship opportunities with a wide range of organizations, there is one group that is consistently, tragically, and systematically overlooked.

No, I’m not talking about the various socially and academically marginalized groups such as ethnic minorities, LGBTQIA+, and women in STEM. (They get a Diversity Mixer with light refreshments and a somewhat relaxed professional atmosphere!

They’ll be fine.)

I’m talking about the hardworking and deserving students whose internship and career plans involve getting hired by their parents’ companies.

It’s an unfortunate fact that students who plan on getting jobs through very close connections are grossly underrepresented at career events, making up only the top 1% of the population. There is absolutely nothing offered to these students! They might as well not even attend the showcase.

And they usually don’t, since they don’t need to.

UF’s failure thus far to institute a Nepotism Day to the event is robbing students, such as my friend Brad, of important skills like writing a resume as a 26

September - November 2018

formality, or keeping his partying habits a secret from his dad long enough to jump straight into a management position. Students who represent the best and brightest of their parents’ gene pool may never have another chance to gain these experiences, as they will have job offers before graduation.

To remedy this unforgivable situation, I propose the university organize a “Nep-working” event exclusively for these students and their parents’ social circles, to give them a chance to wear that expensive navy-blue suit they bought for when they sit in the

box seats with their rich uncle.

Ambitious students could even organize a “Business Lunch” with mom and dad, where they negotiate for more money to go towards their expensive hobbies, like consistently getting tickets for parking on the sidewalk.

It’s important for universities to recognize and support the employment struggles of all their students, especially those who will become especially rich alumni.

I think they have more Gator gear than I do.

D

DOGS READING THE CROCODILE Starring Meeko, Ringo, and Patsy!

Meeko

ringo We caught Meeko reading the last issue of the Crocodile. He played dumb as soon as we tried to confront him about it. Was he eyeing up the ladies on the dogs page, or checking his horoscope? We may never know.

Ringo tried the Crocodile Classifieds to find a new job. He didn’t have a lot of luck with other employers, so we hired him! He’s now one of our most popular writers.

Patsy is a little sweetie who needed a bit of care from Haile’s Angels Pet Rescue. While stuck inside with her cone, she likes to pass the time by reading the Crocodile.

PATSY Send us pictures of your pets reading the Crocodile to be featured in our next issue. admin@thecrocodile.org @ufcrocodile Wait, McElwain isn’t the coach anymore??

September - November 2018

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September - November 2018

What happened to him?

HOROSCOPES

BY JOANNA DENG

ARIES

March 21 - April 19 Prepare for massive change in your life. Someone will take your normal seat in class.

CANCER June 21 - July 22

The answer to number 7 is B. You’re welcome.

LIBRA

TAURUS

April 20 - May 20 Don’t walk by a bulletin board today, or the incredible mass of endless flyers will finally overcome the feeble strength of the staples and it will bury you.

LEO

July 23 - August 22 The stars say your future is bright. Your scholarships on the other hand...

SCORPIO

GEMINI

May 21 - June 20 You will come across an intriguing and oddly familiar stranger. He will take off his hat and- Oh no! that’s Dennis. When did he get released?

VIRGO

August 23 - September 22 A mistake you make in Chem Lab will result in the next great scientific breakthrough!

Congratulations! Your discovery now belongs to the university.

SAGITTARIUS

September 23 - October 22

October 23 - November 21

November 22 - December 21

There’s a flyer in your pocket that you don’t remember taking.

It’s advertising an organization that doesn’t exist. Spooky.

You haven’t seen your roommate in three days. Have they died of plague or been at the library studying? Either way, the extra space is nice.

A driver will actually wait when he sees you sprinting for the bus.

You now owe him a life debt.

CAPRICORN

December 22 - January 19 Today you will be guilted into registering your bike and registering to vote, but won’t accomplish anything else.

AQUARIUS

January 20 - February 18 You have an exam today that you forgot about until just now.

Good luck!

PISCES

February 19 - March 20 A horoscope writer will totally forget your sign exists. After a day contemplating the nature of existence, you will switch your major to philosophy.

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September - November 2018

If your ad was here, students would be seeing it right now.

Get your name in the next issue. Full creative and strategic services available. sales@thecrocodile.org

September November 2018 Sorry for the interruption, readers. It costs money to print this thing for you. Hopefully this isn’t- too annoying.

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