74:06 April Fool's Edition

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The Bougar Press @the.bougar.press

Friday April 1, 2022

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“Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because it happened.” - Cougie

Ventura High School: “Let go of the predator mascot for a new, less intimidating one”

Ventura High School will be receiving a new mascot starting the fall semester of 2022. As cougars are predatory animals, VHS staff believe the mascot has encouraged inappropriate behavior. Cougars are some of the most wild and dangerous animals.

Seagulls better represent the integrity of the VHS community.

Along with the mascot change the official VHS colors will be switched to orange and gray. Orange represents the beak of the seagull and is a reminder to students, “If you see something, say something,” the motto promoted by Principal Pickle

himself. Gray is taken from the coloration of the seagull wings and is meant to inspire students to spread their wings.

English teacher Erik Votruba stated, “While some might find the choice of the new mascot a bit unusual, I really do think this has been a long awaited change.

Seagulls are a part of the VHS experience. It only makes sense that we honor them by making them our mascot.”

Seagulls have been known to be constant visitors to the VHS campus. They often sit in the senior lawn along with the students during lunch and break. Sophomore Gloria Glitter said, “I see at least five seagulls a day during lunch. My friends and I name

“Spread your wings” is the new catch phase for Ventura High that gives the message to students VHS is a place where students find themselves. Photo by: Moon Girl

them for fun.”

The seagulls have become a part of the VHS culture. Students have created a strong bond with the seagulls.

It is tradition for students to leave their leftovers for the seagulls after every lunch period. A revamping of the campus will take place during

summer break. All cougar displays will be replaced with the new mascot and corresponding colors.

In addition to this makeover, there are plans to construct a seagull statue in the middle of the senior lawn to encourage students to embrace the new mascot.

Campus supervisor, Jaime Gallegos, has been elected by students to be the upcoming 22/23 VHS Principal Students are finally getting the respect and dedication they deserve from a principal who stands for something

Joe Mama After a long running election process, the votes are finally in. VHS students have decided to elect longterm campus supervisor Jaime Gallegos to take on the role of Principal. His campaign against vaping in the bathroom and non-eligible students making their way off campus has struck gold in not only the student body, but also many individuals around Ventura County.

Parents like to know about the people who will be tending to their children’s needs. Gallegos knew this would absolutely affect his votes and decided to focus a large amount of his efforts on becoming a household name that everyone in Ventura could stand with.

Co-running his campaign, current Ventura High teacher, Stephen Bogdanich is greatly excited

to see their work has turned out exactly as they intended for his campaign buddy.

Gallegos has released a plan to lower school fights, keep students on campus during lunch, reduce tardiness and keep bathrooms open during all times of the day.

Gallegos said, “Yeah, so pretty much we’re gonna introduce MMA and UFC as a PE elective; we have determined the upper parking lot to be the student vaping and smoking zone; we’re neutering all the freshmen; and all students who are tardy get their VSZ (vaping and smoking zone) pass revoked. Most of them are just smoking anyway.”

Gallegos also wanted to make sure to revoke all TikTok accounts linked to students enrolled in the VHS class of 2023. Gallegos said, “I’m just really sick of seeing these students on my “For You” page. I see students doing TikTok dances while

Gallegos’ campaign poster, posted all around the school hallways and majority of Ventura county. Graphic by: Joe Mama

Volume 74 April Fool’s Edition

What’s inside?

Goodbye cougars, hello seagulls Moon Girl

@thebougarpress

Jaime and Bogdanich’s running poster. The slogan used by the two was “Keeping Bathrooms Unlocked.” Graphic by: Joe Mama

I’m patrolling the lower lot all the time and it’s draining, man. I want puppies and kids falling on my “For You” page again, not some white boys posting about ‘da boyz’ or some emo or goth girls singing to a Deftones and Mitski mashup.”

Bogdanich used many different tactics to secure the vote for future principal Gallegos. Bogdanich said, “I always knew he had it in him, he just had to secure the right voters. That’s why we started giving all the vapes back to the people who voted for us.” Bogdanich knew all they had to do was ensure votes from students who normally wouldn’t vote.

Another of their strongest tactics was their use of fear mongering.

The Bogdanich-Gallegos ‘22 campaign committee made it abundantly clear the upcoming principal and vice principal would be

doing whatever they deemed necessary to clear out all band kids and drama kids from all social events provided by the school. Bogdanich said, “They weren’t going anyway, nobody wanted to take ‘em.

We just made sure we kept them out now. It’s always easier when you can pick out a group of people and rely on others to nitpick their oddities.”

Overall it seems that many of the students are excited to see where Jaime and Bogdanich will take us this upcoming year. Having a veteran teacher and a strongwilled security guard will likely result in a completely new and improved experience around Ventura High School.

Gallegos has claimed that after his time as principal has run dry, he and Bogdanich will be working together again to run for Ventura County Mayor and eventually California Governor.

Photo by: Ydorb

More Homework?

No peace

Graphic by: Ur Mom

Zuckerberg’s control spreads

Graphic by: Doow Nylecoj

The Lucible (Crucible fanfic)

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April Fool’s Edition The Bougar Press Page 2

More homework? No peace

News

Frustration within the VHS student body brews as they remain on their third week of strike

YdorbY Overworked, exhausted Ventura High School students hold out on their third week of the strike.“We will not take any more homework!” cried senior Francis Gapt, leader of this Strike. The ongoing tensions have been rising ever since teachers have increased their homework load.

VHS students originated the strike on March 4, and since then, it has gained popularity.

This global surge to banish homework has set students and staff on edge.

VHS teacher Redu Bami said, “My class sizes have about ten students in them. How am I supposed to do my job when I can’t teach these students? This strike needs to end now before education suffers.”

Gapt rebutted, claiming, “We need the administration to listen to what we are trying to say.

We can’t do this until we have their full attention.”

This effort is not solely located at VHS. Schools country-wide have participated. The movement BHHS, or Banish Homework, Help Students originated from a simple TikTok trend and has spiraled downward. Schools have lost their students and millions of dollars in turn.

In a poll taken from The Bougar Press Instagram, 96 percent of VHS students have pulled an all-nighter frantically trying to finish homework, 78 percent of these students

New COVID-19 variant started at VHS Will students be responsible?

Women Lover

Senior Francis Gapt leading the charge at the most recent protest outside of VHS. Photo by: Ydorb

are now participating in the strike.

Research showed that excessive homework could be associated with high-stress levels, physical health problems, and a lack of balance in children’s lives. This was reflected in the weeks building up to the strike.

Junior Creon Vent said, “I had so much homework one day that I stayed up all night finishing it and still wasn’t done in the morning. The next thing I know, I am fast asleep in math class, and I missed half of the lesson. It’s like a sick circle.”

On March 24, the administration was so desperate for students to return to school they promised to hold Spirit weeks every week until 2025, Gapt politely declined, leaving VHS to invent alternative plans that included Zoom and the more popular idea, charging the students with five years of jail time. After a debate, the school has decided that this is the best course of action.

Five days ago, a message from the district was released of Principal Bob Pickle encouraging all students to return to school; otherwise, charges will be pressed against all 979 students currently participating.

Gapt’s response was to stage a protest in the quad on March 30, where several fights broke out. Eventually, the 300 students that attended were escorted out. This movement accomplished having 200 more students join the movement. Now over half of the VHS’s population is no longer attending school.

Parent of Gapt spoke briefly to The Bougar Press in an online interview, “We are very proud of our daughter, but we would not like to answer questions at this time.”

Experts have dubbed this strike as “A monumental movement in the face of the homework crisis.” However, Gapt just describes it as a necessary action that all students must take to save themselves and our school.

Losing hair? Ear bleeding? Feeling an urge to listen to The Clash or memorize the periodic table of elements? It’s possible you may have caught the newest variant of COVID-19, which has traced back to room 64 at Ventura High School. The Bougar Press has acquired an exclusive image of the virus from microscopes in Rob Lewis’ period three freshmen biology class. Ava Renshaw who first saw the virus said, “I wasn’t surprised at all. I had heard a rumor going around about a chemistry lab that had gotten out of control in room 64.”

After the discovery of the virus Lewis’ students have tentatively named it “The Reynosa Strand.” Early indications seem to point out that this new variant is more deadly, more contagious, more airborne and more long term than any other previous variant of COVID-19. People infected by this variant may experience the following symptoms;

hair loss, ear bleeding and an unexplained passion for both rock ‘n’ roll and chemistry.

No official deaths have been reported.

In a recent interview with April Boland she admitted to an irregular chemistry lab in the weeks prior to the outbreak, “Dude we were just messing around with these positive COVID tests that we found in Maxwell’s room and so we took them to our honors chemistry class where our teacher offered us extra credit to do a lab to figure out how contagious it really is.”

The Bougar Press believes that contaminated samples have escaped room 64 and are now spreading through VHS. It seems very likely that in the following days, the CDC will seal the Ventura High School campus allowing no students to leave or enter until further notice. Is your locker prepared for and stocked for a long term stay on campus? The following protocols will be put in place upon the sealing of the campus.

Microscope view of the Reynosa variant in Dr. Lewis’ class.

Graphic by: Women Lover

Climate change ceases to exist as of March 2022 Students at VHS have officially cured the climate crisis that has been eating away at the earth

Bad Banana After years and years of a deteriorating climate here on Earth, it’s been done. Climate change is no longer a problem thanks to the impeccable brains of the students and of course the science teachers.

People may be asking, how

did they do it? Here is the answer coming straight from the source: with love, light and positive minds.

With this new found information, all living beings in this world can continue to live, but at ease.

Ice caps aren’t melting, California isn’t in a drought, sea levels aren’t rising,

These statistics taken by science students at VHS shows the rapid drop in temperature around the world since climate change was cured. Drawing by: Bad Banana

none of it. Nobody has to be afraid about the world dying anymore.

In fact, people can do whatever they want now. Since humans don’t have to watch what is put out into the world, people can feel free to litter, burn fossil fuels or cut down massive amounts of trees at once. What a relief, right?

Because refraining from these activities was just so hard before, it’s great that we don’t have to worry about that anymore.

“It’s incredible what we’ve accomplished.

The thing I’m most happy about is that I can finally cut down this entire forest next to my house that’s home to countless different organisms. I need more firewood so I’ve just been dying to do that,” said science teacher Jared McEntyre.

“In class students

always ask, ‘McEntyre, what are we doing in class today?’ His response is often the same, ‘Saving the world.’ With critical thinking that is just what we did on Friday, March 25,” said junior Beautiful Woman.

In the end people can make the decision on how to treat the world themselves, but there are strong opinions on the topic.

“It really is awesome that we fixed climate change but people are going around acting like they can treat the world like trash again, literally. I’ve seen so much more litter on the ground and in the ocean lately. Do they not understand that this is a big part in why climate change was a thing in the first place? If we aren’t considerate the world will probably just go to crap again,” said Woman.

Since the students

and teachers involved in this miracle are choosing to keep the details of how they accomplished it private, there is no way to know, besides asking, if climate change is permanently gone, or if it could make a dramatic return.

Daniel Jacobs, a senior that helped stop climate change, said, “All I will say is that all of you people out there should treat the world how you wanna be treated. And if you really want trash dumped all up on you then that’s a you problem. You should also get therapy.”

Based on Jacobs’s answer, it can be assumed that climate change could still come back. With this information people should continue to treat the world with love and respect so that we don’t have to worry about everything dying super duper quickly again.

News

How will VHS stop the recent alien abductions?!

Recent absences of multiple students have been linked to alien abductions on campus Bad Banana Aliens have been a controversial subject in the past. Are they real, are they not real? The world may have never known, until now.

It has come to the public’s attention that a large number of students, and some staff at Ventura High have been reported missing, and multiple witnesses say that aliens are involved. Is this why so many students have been gone from classes?

Teachers have only just caught wind of this news, they thought kids were just ditching class for the heck of it. “Yeah, well when I first noticed the drop in the number of students showing up to class I thought, ‘Damn, is it me? Do I smell? Am I boring?’ but then I found out about the aliens and I was like ‘Thank god!’ It’s sad and all, the abduction stuff, but I just wouldn’t be able to handle it if I was being badly perceived,” said Mike Bal, a history teacher at VHS. Many students have been expressing concern about their own safety since finding out about the abductions. Since fewer and fewer kids are showing up to school, will they be easier targets? Or will the aliens lose interest after taking so many students already?

Not all aliens are at fault here. In fact, there are some that don’t condone the kidnapping of VHS’s students.

Meap, an Intergalactic Security Agent alien that just moved here from space, rebelled against their alien friends and family because they know that snatching

April Fool’s Edition The Bougar Press Page 3

New hybrid zodiac dilemma Ventura High School releases a new schedule due to conflicts between Zodiac signs amongst the students, limiting them to come certain days a week

Prentiss

In this image three VHS students are being abducted on the senior lawn. Pictured is Sloane Feingold (left), Lucca Camus (middle) and Clay Eidson (right). Photo by: Bad Banana

people up and abducting them is morally wrong. Although they were in charge of all the other aliens, none of them would listen when Meap suggested having peace with humans.

Meap has exclusive insight on how to avoid their evil alien friends, “Meap.

Meap meap, meap. Meap meap! Meap.” After taking a Meap language class, the translation of that into English has been discovered, “Aliens hate masks. They also hate when people are really really close to each other. If you don’t want abduction, wear your mask, be considerate and be careful! Don’t get too close to your classmates.”

So since less people are around each other at school, maybe the abductions will start slowing down. This is what VHS hopes for, but if that isn’t the case, students, teachers and other staff are advised to wear their masks and follow COVID-19 guidelines. Even if that is the case, people should still be careful.

“The selection for who gets abducted is almost random and unfair. So many

of my friends have been abducted despite the fact that they are some of the most careful people I know. They always wore their masks,” said sophomore Michelle Brown.

Many students express their frustration with this because even if you wear your mask, there’s still the chance for other people, who might not be as careful, to put you in danger of alien abduction.

If the abductions cease to die down, It is possible that school will need to close. “If school shuts down I actually would be so hyped. I wouldn’t have to wear clothes or get out of bed or anything to do schoolwork,” said senior Kyle Ferghawitz.

Other students disagree with Ferghawitz.

“I would literally have a breakdown and cry. I’ve done online school before. It was horrible. Never again,” said Brown.

In addition to abduction sightings, people have also been noticing aliens returning students and staff back to campus.

It is unknown why they are being brought back, but so far it seems as though VHS will be safe in the long run.

Ventura High School sets out a new schedule and will be releasing it the first day of the second semester for 2022. The reasoning behind the schedule change is due to the massive amounts of arguments upon students and their individual Zodiac signs. Multiple incidents have resulted in physical altercations, detentions and explosions.

Outbreaks were happening left and right amongst the Zodiac signs, air signs being exclusive/hard to read, earth signs being grounded and holding their own, fire signs not backing down, passionate and inventive, water signs being intuitive and sensitive.

All of these incidents have caused Ventura High to make a new hybrid schedule dedicated to the four zodiac elements. The new schedule will consist of air signs (geminis, libras, and aquarius)

attending on Mondays, earth signs (virgos, taurus, and capricorns) will attend on Tuesdays, water signs (scorpios, cancers, and pisces) will attend on Wednesdays, and lastly fire signs (leos, aries, and sagittarius) will attend on Thursdays, leaving Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays as the weekend. When hearing about this news, it immediately became the talk of the school.

One student shared his personal opinion, senior Roman Smith, a leo, said, “I think it will be interesting seeing how the new schedule will play out, once its in action, seeing how students and staff members will react after a couple weeks of it being enforced, it could either make us stronger as a school or completely backfire.”

Continued on... thebougarpress.org

Example of Zodiac Schedule. Graphic by: Prentiss

Orange is the new green

New orange passes are needed for students to attend lunch, much like the green passes for restroom use

Olive-ay Ranzler-kay The use of handfilled-out passes at VHS is becoming more complicated as a new policy is being implemented: Teachers now must fill out individual passes for students to be able to attend lunch. At the end of fifth period, students must line up and wait for their teachers

to fill out and hand them their respective lunch pass.

Some teachers have resorted to filling out passes before class, so they don’t waste time filling out 40 or more passes before students can leave for lunch. “It’s honestly such a big waste of time, I dont know why the decision was made to require teachers to take so much

Mayo and his collected lunch passes from various days. Photo by: Olive-ay Ranzler-kay

out of their time to fill these out,” said John Cena, a VHS math teacher. “Since every kid needs to go to lunch, it makes no sense for them to all need passes,” Cena said.

Many teachers share Cena’s opinion on the new passes, as 73 percent (19) of 26 teachers polled said they were not in favor of the orange slips.

If students are caught during lunch without a pass, they will be grouped into a study classroom, where they must be quietly working on something for the remainder of the lunch period. “It’s really frustrating because teachers are able to punish students by not filling out their passes,” said freshman Raw Mayo. “It also sucks that you won’t be able to eat because of COVID. [Students being unable to eat] should be illegal or something,” he said.

Some students “Collect and keep their [green and orange passes] as kind of a

Super real photo of John Cena holding a lunch slip not yet signed by teachers, indicating he is against this new policy. Photo by: Olive-ay Ranzler-kay

joke,” said Mayo. “Sometimes you can get away with reusing them.”

Other students are worried about paper wastage.

“I think it’s really wasteful, and a bad use of supplies,” said sophomore Mr.rat. Using around 2000 paper slips a day can result in a heck of a lot of paper waste. Bell wondered,

“How many trees [are being] used for this?”

Overall, students, teachers, and John Cena don’t seem to be happy about this new policy, and combined with the pre-existing bathroom slips, instruction time is being cut down more and more. How much further is the school willing to go?

Features

April Fool’s Edition The Bougar Press Page 4

FOWL! Secret campus security team calls out fouls on campus Many students are unaware of the true campus security staff team that watches over VHS, from the skies

School Hater Students will often see seagulls and sometimes various other types of birds fly around the school campus in all sorts of places. You’re guaranteed to see these birds in action during lunch time. They’re also most commonly and easily found flying above the senior lawn.

These birds are, in fact, part of the school’s campus security team. They monitor the school from above, all over campus, spotting sneaky rule breakers that have not been yet caught by the human security team.

Seagulls can often be heard squawking loudly from

the roofs of VHS buildings or aggressively flapping their wings; these are actually two examples of the many various signals that can be communicated to the human team. Each signal can mean different things, for example, squawking loudly means that there is a troublemaker causing conflict and someone needs to come check it out immediately. The birds are there to catch what humans can’t see on the ground, they help run the system and make it more efficient. However, in an interview with one of these birds, they said that they would not be comfortable

Gary Smith, the seagull in charge of the security team, overlooking kids out of class from the rooftop of a building, watching for any troublemakers, his mouth opened in preparation. Photo by: School Hater

sharing the signals as they wish to keep it confidential from students so that it’s easier to catch troublemakers in the act.

This interviewee has stated they would like to be kept anonymous.

Are the seagulls paid to run this job? Yes, after doing some investigation, they are.

They’re given free rein on school grounds, and they even live on campus. They’re also allowed to eat lunch scraps that students have leftover from lunch as well as free provisions.

Also, there are elevators on campus, but students can’t freely use them and teachers don’t either. So what’s the purpose for them?

The elevators on campus actually are actually the secret quarters for the security seagulls, sometimes even used for shelter from the rain. No one is allowed in other than the seagulls themselves, who enter secretly when no students or teachers are watching.

Seagulls are also threatening if messed with, intruders are sure to be faced with a handful. That is, if the seagulls cared enough. Gary Smith, the head of all seagulls, said, “We often have the ability

The elevators that aren’t able to be accessed by students, nor used by teachers, are used as shelters and possibly even homes by the seagull security team. Photo by: School hater

to stop intruders, but we don’t get paid enough so we just let them do whatever they want unless they do something that would threaten our job position.” The seagulls oversee everyone who steps onto campus and exits it, they just don’t feel the need to always do their job properly.

Smith also said, “We often communicate to the human security team that they should focus their efforts on things that in reality, are actually quite useless but the humans listen anyway, like that black cloth that covers

the fences. It’s a bit funny to mess with them. Funnily enough, the times where the human campus security really should’ve stepped into play, they lack action and don’t do anything. My favorite time includes when that one guy Dylan, what’s his name, came onto campus for multiple days and the human team didn’t do much about it until later.”

In the end, seagulls are one thing to look out for on campus. Students often overlook these guys, but they’re in control of more than students know.

Taking strides toward gender equality

Two male coaches awarded for their advancement with gender equality in sports

Doow Nylecoj On June 23, 2021 two of Ventura High’s coaches were awarded for their activism in making gender equality a normal part of every sport.

Tap Ball coach Crisp Apple and Quidditch coach Melon Cantaloupe are the ones

being awarded. They have been working extra hard this past year and were awarded by the Ventura Unified School District.

Cantaloupe said, “Mr. Apple and I have been working on enlightening ourselves and others regarding the ongoing issues with gender equality” Following this Apple

Junior Veggie Delicious said “I cant wait to see how these changes [advancement’s with gender equality] will effect the rest of our school.”

Graphic by: Doow Nylecoj

Dictators

said, “I’ve recently been implementing speeches into our practices and in one of them I made sure we discussed ways to respect one another, especially each other’s pronouns.”

In a poll given to all the athletes in Ventura High, 99 percent said they have seen a definite change in the way each gender is treated within their sport.

One quidditch player, senior Spirit Tangerine, said, “I’m really proud of the coaches being so knowledgeable on such important subjects it makes me feel very respected as a young adult.”

On April 12, 2022 Ventura High will hold the awarding ceremony during lunch. Both coaches will be given awards and each will have a speech prepared to share with the school.

Sophomore Vanilla Fruit said, “I’ve recently been really struggling in school and

Managing EIC

Assistant Managing

Mrs. Nate Archibald

James Marsden

Miss Piggy

Social Media

Broadcast

Online

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This will be Ventura Uninified School District’s first Gender Equality award given ever. Graphic by: Doow Nylecoj

Mr. Apple did a really great job with handling the situation.

He really respectfully gave a speech to the team and helped them find ways to improve their grades so we can keep playing our sport.”

Cantaloupe also said, “We’ve been really trying to make the sports a safe place for students. It’s a judgment free

Minions

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Katniss Vertucci Mellark

Moon Girl

Doow Nylecoj

zone. We let them wear clothes they are comfortable working out in without judgment or issues. We’ve never even had to discuss a dress code with the team’s.”

Apple and Cantaloupe agreed, “We’ve been able to make almost every sport feel like family, where everyone is loved, accepted and respected.”

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On-Campus

Camp or prison? Students decide!

April Fool’s Edition The Bougar Press Page 5

VHS requires all students to stay on campus for a week

Amy Dunne Announced on Monday, Jan. 17, all VHS students must stay at school from April 32 to April 37.

Unless failing finals appeals to anyone, all students are expected to cooperate, even if you have COVID-19. The plan was put into effect by the administration board, led by Principal Bob Pickle.

Pickle said, “I thought it was a genius plan, because no students miss finals, and if all students are exposed, they can quarantine and the school won’t have an outbreak problem.” Pickle also said, “If you have COVID, you still must come. The plan is one week, but if an outbreak occurs, we will all quarantine for two additional weeks.”

Students of all grades voted on whether they agreered, with 67 percent in favor, and 33 percent not in favor. Freshman Starry Lewis said, “I really don’t see the problem. If someone gets COVID, then we’ll all just stay longer. Just more fun.”

A graphic sent out to families attending the camp that informs no masks are needed. Graphic by: Amy Dunne

The information sent out to families was included in a brochure, and had what the camp would entail for each grade level. Graphic by: Amy Dunne

Sweeping changes to campus security, again

Junior Jared Eli disagreed with Lewis’ opinion, “I will not be participating, I don’t really care if I fail my finals, at this rate I’m not even going to graduate.” Individual teachers did not have a say in the decision making, and are now trapped (quite literally) in this.

Skeptical parents have expressed concern for their children to participate in the school “Camp”: Parent of sophomore, Colin Huntzberger said, “I don’t want to sacrifice my son’s

health for his finals.”

Over the weekend, before the camp was planned to start, parents had a protest against it. “My daughter loves this school and I would want nothing less than to have to take her out because of a poor decision made by the leaders,” said mother Nina Hernandez To these parents, Pickle said, “If you are so scared of this, you can switch to another school. I have found our solution and those who don’t choose to listen will not be welcomed any longer.”

Mass civil disobedience at VHS after administration forces ID requirements

Crazy Jonker In a move to strengthen the boundaries of Ventura High School, Ventura Unified School District has passed a unanimous motion to introduce new identification requirements.

This means that students

will no longer be able to use current VHS ID cards in order to identify themselves to campus security, instead they will need to use one of the forms of ID shown in the graphic attached.

VUSD Superintendent Mike Richardson said, “Any

“Somehow this [the vandalism] is going to lead to the bathrooms being closed,” said sophomore Luna Sol. Photo by: Bowman Wyatt

students who do not comply will be promptly tackled by a school resource officer and be fined appropriately. If you are caught late to class, the punishment will be worse, and you will be expelled from school and forced to go to Brutto High School (BHS).”

In response to the new measures, students have taken to breaking all school rules on purpose. A group of six students defaced the “Ventura High School” sign at the front of the school.

A group of nine students then proceeded to steal the Atom statue. The “devious lick” challenge that gained popularity in 2021 has made a sharp comeback.

Campus supervisor Xavier Gigolo said, “The students who stole the Atom statue will be caught soon.

We have about 21 suspects as of today (April. 1).”

Brutto High School students have also taken the

VHS Principal Bob Pickle said, “If it ain’t on the list, it ain’t valid. Make it a good day; the choice is yours.” Graphic by: Crazy Jonker

mass unrest as an opportunity to get revenge for last year’s theft of the pug statue at the BHS campus. The students have painted over the brand new Billy pool mural.

Sophomore Edgar Francis said, “I don’t even care to be honest, it was kind of a doodoo mural anyways.”

Senior Emma Stoner said, “I hated carrying my ID before, but they made it even

Chant

more lame. Now I have to find my baptism certificate from the LSD church. SO LAME!!!”

Stoner was later caught smuggling a girl named Mary Jane from BHS onto the VHS campus. Stoner said, “First Alphaomegasigmacron and now this, I need my pen.”

This is a developing story and will be updated with more information.

The Bougar Press is a completely student-run (definitely no seagulls) public forum of the Ventura High School community. We strive to represent all of the birds… and students of VHS equally and fairly without bias. Students, seagulls and community memers are encouraged to write for us and send in photos and videos. We can be contacted at thebougarpress@gmail.com, and we will do our best to respond with the most ominous message we possibly can.

Contact us at thebougarpressvhs@gmail.com

On-Campus

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Zuckerberg’s control spreads Facebook CEO is behind the chromebook search blocks

Ur Mom

It is April 1st again and Ventura High School’s statue has come alive again to run havoc on the school

School Hater Students may often be curious about why certain searches are blocked, including ones that seemingly make no sense. For example, students are unable to look up different mental illnesses such as depression. Research and investigation has shown that Mark Zuckerberg, the creator of Facebook and suspected lizard person, is in fact in control of what is able to be blocked or not in the Ventura Unified School District. He is also able to influence what the firewall can block.

Zuckerberg’s digital influence is so great in our community that he can now control and heavily influence the digital aspect to schools as well. Definitive evidence of Zuckerberg’s presence has been found in various forms. For instance, inside the classroom of Ventura High School’s AVID and computer science teacher, Linda Bergfeld, a poster of Zuckerberg can be found hanging on the wall. “I see the poster everyday in class. It freaks me out. It’s almost like the eyes are following you,”

this runway walk that caught my eye, looking up at her I realized how familiar she looked.” He further said, “Whispering over to my friends, we all came to the fact that it was Kendall Jenner.” Who allowed a Jenner to be on campus? It’s known there has been a lot of security drama but how could this happen?

Well the answer is Lonardo, also known as Coach Prof is rumored to be dating her. Spotted multiple times around campus, he was seen holding her hand and what seems to be giving her a tour of campus. They were even seen having a “date” on the senior lawn at lunch. Not even trying to hide it, with a full blanket on the ground and picnic basket open with a spread of food laid out. After talking to them, they confirmed this

“lunch date” and said, “I was walking to my locker which causes me to cross the (senior) lawn, I was on my phone and randomly looking up which happened to be right in time because I almost walked right into Prof and Kendall Jenner sitting on the ground with a bunch of fancy food.” They expressed more of their opinion by saying, “I am glad I looked up because Kendall Jenner is my idol.

That would have been so embarrassing, Prof is a lucky man.”

Due to all this speculation, we managed to get Prof to talk and he said, “I know there has been lots of speculation around my new love interest, and to answer your questions: yes Kendall Jenner and I have been recently seeing each other.” Then Jenner walked

up while we’re interviewing Prof and we managed to get her input as well. “Yes, me and Lonardo are seeing each other, it’s fresh and new!” said Jenner.

“Yea man I don’t know she just showed up at practice one day and was all over him and I was like ‘What is going on!?’” said varsity soccer player Icy JJ. “I think we were all mainly confused, but after we got over the confusion we were like ‘Oh my God Prof is dating KENDALL JENNER like what?’ and then we all obviously congratulated him,” said JV player Canon Motts.

Prof and Kendall seem to be very happy, they’ve been seen downtown at dinner, the beach and Prof has even been seen teaching her to play soccer.

Spot Zuckerberg lurking around VHS in the photo above? Photo by: School Hater

said sophomore Taylor Valdez.

It has also been recently discovered that students are unable to watch “The Social Network” on their school computers either, due to Zuckerberg’s censoring.

For those unfamiliar, “The Social Network” is a movie starring Jesse Eisenberg and Andrew Garfield that depicts Zuckerberg’s path to wealth and the creation of Facebook.

In previous interviews, Zuckerberg has told multiple outlets that he dislikes the film because it “doesn’t tell the whole truth” and his life was “exaggerated” to entertain. Senior Aliza Jackson said, “I’m honestly so mad about this. I don’t really

Kendall Jenner at VHS??

Kendall Jenner has been seen at Ventura High School, but why?

While walking today there have been multiple sightings of what seems to be Kendall Jenner?

There have been multiple

care about the movie, except for that one ‘lawyer up’ scene with Andrew Garfield. Literal chills!” Valdez said, “I have no interest in watching the movie, but it’s definitely weird that [Zuckerberg] can control everything we do at school,” said Valdez.

It’s also known that Mark Zuckerberg played a chess game against a world champion, Magnus Carlsen, in 2014 and practiced playing with him. The popular chess site, Chess.com, has also been blocked on school chromebooks and the firewall.

The site offers a variety of features, including streams of chess matches of players.

Is it possible that Zuckerberg has blocked the site in fear that students may be able to see his losses over the years?

It may also be possible that Zuckerberg does not want any student to be able to win against him or polish their chess skills at school.

This is not the first time the billionaire has faced criticism. Over the years it has been speculated that he is actually a robot. Does anyone actually know a Mark? Zuckerberg and his representatives have declined to comment.

It is April 1, 2022 and the statue has come alive.

Arriving at school today many students realized a change in the school atmosphere, only to realize the centerpiece of the front of Ventura High School -- the Atoms For Peace statue -- was missing.

Talking to a fellow student (who would like to keep their identity secret for safety purposes) said, “I was very confused when I looked up and didn’t see the strong man looking down on me, however looking over my shoulder I saw him.”

This seems to be a common occurrence between students’ stories, this relates exactly to what student Kai Nekoecne said, “ I saw him for a split second but he ran away disappearing behind a wall, it honestly freaked me out.”

After gathering as much information as possible, it is clear that the statue coming alive has happened before. Recorded in past articles, he has come back to life randomly every couple years on exactly April 1st.

Teachers at VHS today have seen the statue come to life before. One specific story was told by Alex Baker, a history teacher. She said, “I was here when he came alive before, I remember being as terrified as I am now.” After asking about the history of the statue they said, “However, answering your question, I am not going to comment on his past actions because I am hoping that he grows from them, but

between the press and me he has been known to vandalize school property as well as pull the fire alarm to get kids out of tests.” After looking at other articles, this has become a trend within his actions, he has been the main suspect behind many incriminating school activities.

New vandalism has been reported on campus, paintings of all the teachers’ heads on the front of their classroom doors, showing them as bobble head characters.

Also a new sighting of the statue has been reported with paint all over his metal hands. It is reaching the end of the day and there have been numerous sightings of activity that is suspicious. A lot of people said that they felt a shaking from the ceilings over their heads, speculating that he had been walking the school on the roofs of the buildings.

Even “Helping me get to class on time by running with me on his back,” said Junior Emily Beep. However after interviewing a teacher who had a close bump in with him it is clear he is fighting against teachers. Having a more hostile interaction with Dan Dover, he said, “He wouldn’t let me see who was walking in late, he kept blocking my view until they sat down, I still don’t know who it was.”

The statue seems to be a kind soul that just wants to help fellow students. But, be WARNED he is running around campus.

ABcdefg

There are many questions about who (or what) Mark Zuckerberg really is, but the most important one is how can he not like “The Social Network?” How can he not love Andrew Garfield? Graphic by: Ur Mom

ABcdefg Darth Vader

WARNING: Atoms for Peace has come alive

reports speaking on the fact that there is a 5’10 model walking around campus.

After speaking to Craig Silver, a student at VHS who had a direct passing with this mysterious Jenner, they said, “She had

Prof showing off his lady at practice. Graphic by: ABcdefg

On-Campus

The dress code takes it a step farther: Uniforms Administration has announced new uniforms for all VHS students

Betty White Towards the beginning of the year the VHS administration released a new dress code. However, due to the lack of students following the guidelines of the dress code administration has made the decision to require all VHS students to wear a uniform when they come to school.

The uniform is made to follow all dress code rules, so the students don’t have to worry about following them with their own clothes. The uniform is gold pants and a long sleeve black turtleneck for both male and female students.

While these uniforms have not been released to the majority of VHS students, select students have been given a uniform to try out and give their feedback on.

Freshman Kira Batignich expressed her

April Fool’s Edition The Bougar Press Page 7

VHS couples have collectively agreed to stop the PDA

Say goodbye to turning heads to their lovey-dovey touching

Juju on That Beat

Students express concerns of the itchiness of the chosen fabric of nylon for the new school uniforms. Graphic by: Betty White

thoughts on the uniform, “I think the new uniforms are fine, it might get sweaty when the weather gets warmer though.”

Administration has not said anything about changing the uniforms for warmer seasons, only that they would be supplying students with mini fans to carry around

Sophomores Jake Garman and Alexis Segovia visualized in the new school uniforms. Graphic by: Betty White

throughout the school day.

“I don’t like that the uniforms take away the freedom of people expressing themselves,” said Batignich.

While the new uniforms sport school colors, they may not be everyones’ style.

Junior Alina Jeebers said, “I tried the uniform they gave me on and it was really itchy. Also, I started sweating almost immediately. I don’t know how I’m gonna survive wearing this all day five days a week.” Jeebers brought up valid concerns for the new uniforms. The uniforms are made of mostly nylon, giving them a shiny look and “itchy feel,” according to Jeebers.

With mostly negative feedback being given on the uniforms one would question if this is the best decision regarding the dress code issue for VHS. How will the rest of VHS students react to these new uniforms? How many students will happily switch to these uniforms, and how many will resist?

Many students can attest to seeing classmates making out in the hallways as they walk to their next class. It is just simply hard to unsee.

Students are in luck, The Cougar Press has received an announcement from every Ventura High School couple that they will stop all public displays of affection (PDA) for the sake of everyone’s eyes. Everything from holding hands to kissing is for the past.

PDA is a common pet peeve to a lot of people, especially on school campuses.

Students at VHS get to say goodbye to the awkward intimate sessions. “I don’t have a problem with PDA, but it can definitely be overdone,” said Rose Florence, freshman.

“Be polite with it,” she said.

Florence began to share about the time she saw a couple making out so badly, they looked like fish when they

were kissing.

Couples have also agreed to punishments if they show any kind of PDA on campus. Couples will be jailed in the cafeteria as penalization.

“School is for learning,” said Benjamin Sherman.“In the midst of puberty, emotions and hormones, I don’t want to see any awkward expressions of intimacy,” he said.

Coco Chanel, french fashion designer, said, “If I say that I love you but I do want personal time, or if I don’t want to do PDA, it is not that I have something against you.” Take her advice. Each person is granted to explain their own rules for PDA, whether you like it or not. It is all about preference.

There are other ways to show affection. You don’t need to be eating your partner’s face every five seconds. Get your learning on and read a book together.

PDA on VHS’ senior lawn. Photo by: Juju on That Beat

VHS administration reveals the addition of escalators and people movers Administration adding escalators and people movers all around campus to help limit student tardiness

Miss Piggy With the new late pass policy making it more stressful getting to class on time, VHS admin is implementing people movers and escalators to help with the tardy problem.

The people movers will be similar to the ones found in airports. They will

be placed on all concrete pathways around the VHS campus. The biggest people mover --which has been affectionately nicknamed “Big Mama” -- will stretch from the area in front of the office all the way to the end of the portales.

“Big Mama” will be six feet wide, and over 1,000 feet long,

Since the outdoor staircase by the library is the one most commonly used by students, it makes sense that this will be the first staircase to have an escalator installed. Photo by: Miss Piggy

and will have the capacity to safely hold 750 students.

Admin is estimating that this will be the most used by students, hence how big it is.

The other people movers will be only three feet wide, and not nearly as long.

These movers will branch off of “Big Mama” and go to other areas of campus, including the 90s/100s building, the 50s wing, the 60s wing, the music and drama entrances and the gyms.

Along with the people movers, escalators will also be installed on all staircases on the campus. These escalators will come as a relief to students who have multiple classes on the second and third floors.

Junior Anita Lewis said, “I have three classes on the second floor and one on the third floor. These escalators are like a godsend, the amount of stairs I climb in a day is crazy.” Lewis, like other

students, likes the prospect of escalators being installed.

These escalators will be a quick way for students to get to the second and third floors of buildings. This will also make it easy for people who are in crutches to get to their classes.

This idea was brought forward at a PTA meeting, where parents were complaining about their students being marked tardy. The main parent who petitioned the addition of the escalators and people movers was Karen Dingler. Samantha Dingler, her daughter, said, “I was consistently late to my third period class because I had to go from one side of the campus to the other. I had a seven minute walk and only six minutes to do it.”

Many students relate to Dingler. In a poll taken on The Cougar Press Instagram, over 50 percent of students said they had two back to back classes on opposite sides of campus.

These people movers and escalators will have a speed of 8 miles per hour, which is twice the average human walking speed, therefore turning a six minute walk into a three minute walk.

John Carmens, an installer hired by VHS, said, “We are set to start installation on February 29, and we’ll hopefully finish by April 31.”

This prospective timeline will have all people movers and escalators installed before the end of the year.

The addition of the people movers and escalators will come as a huge relief to kids who are chronically late to class, as their sole purpose is to help students get to class on time. By cutting walking time, students are more likely to be early.

The tardy pass policy has been hard on many students, so admins decision to install these will make getting to class easier, and reduce tardiness.

April Fool’s Edition The Cougar Press Page 8

Cougie Fest Debut

A&E

Cougie Fest is set for its three day event at VHS auditorium.

Juju on that beat A suspicious lineup corroborates a music festival at Ventura High School. Huge lineup leaked on Monday morning shows a list of artists rumored to perform, including Kyle (Ventura High School alumni), Ye (formerly known as Kanye West) and Björk.

The last Kyle performance VHS had was back in 2018.

Some artists had no idea they were set to perform at Cougie Fest. Managements had signed them up without knowing. A few artists might need to drop out last minute.

Björk was asked if she would make an appearance at Cougie Fest and said, “I have a riddle.

What can pass through trees without making rustle of the leaf?”

Students across VHS campus have started to share their thoughts on the lineup.

Senior Zoë Sinclair said, “The lineup looks mid. Where is Britney Spears?” When asked for her thoughts on the

Harry Potter and the Order of the Slander

The Daily Prophet branches out with a series of…very questionable gossip columns

Material Girl

This lineup was leaked April 1st,2022. Photo by Juju on that beat

disclosed lineup. Is this lineup not what students want?

Many students showed excitement towards the mediocre lineup. “I didn’t know Kermit the Frog made music. I need to go to Cougie Fest,” said junior Jasmin Rodriguez.

Bjork welcomes students at VHS auditorium. Photo by Juju on that beat

How will Cougie Fest take care of COVID-19 precautions? Masks are said to be required at the festival at all times in an effort to make the safest possible environment.

Temperature checks will be happening for everyone who enters the auditorium.

Whether or not students have any designs to attend Cougie Fest, safety is the biggest priority right now. Hydration stations will be provided. It was just five months ago, on Dec. 16 2021, when Astroworld (an annual music festival) left hundreds injured and ten dead.

“Festival fashion is definitely recommended. Wear something light to prevent overheating or heat strokes,” Björk recommended. “Make decisions out of safety. Stay cautious and stay safe” she added.

The Daily Prophet is a group of people with remarkable history, letting Hogwart students write for the organization, but it has come to the students attention that a section of the paper is releasing a series of stories that have been centering on students and staff. These stories include one about Professor Minerva McGonagall and Professor Sybill Trelawney having a secret romantic relationship.

So, the Hogwarts Student Press took it upon themselves to dig into the Daily Prophet. What they found was that reporter Rita Skeeter created these new stories, titled “The Order of the Slander.”

In turn, the Press went around to tell people about the gossip columns, they told both McGonagall and Trelawney, then the former filed a complaint to the Daily Prophet.

When asked about the name of the gossip columns, fourth year Gryffindor Ginny Weasley said, “The Order of the Slander seems like a poor rip off of the Order of the Phoenix.” And she is right, it is

totally a knock-off of the title.

As our correspondents were going around trying to spread the news about these columns, the Order struck again. This time, the subject of a story being the most disliked woman in Hogwarts: Professor Dolores Jane Umbridge.

Fifth year Gryffindor Neville Longbottom said, “I don’t care for news stories, but I’m pretty sure this story column is borderline mental.”

Longbottom went on to further say, “ I mean Umbridge is like the worst, but somebody finding her full-on kissing a cat… choices.” Longbottom was even surprised that she got a story, “…but when I looked at the title, I just lost it.

Upon seeing it, I immediately showed everyone in my friend group.”

Overall the “Order of the Slander” gossip columns is not particularly good or bad, it is just neutral. I think as a school we come to embrace the weird and unnatural. No matter how bonkers we are, we are a family here at Hogwarts, it doesn’t matter if you are a half-blood or pureblood. If you are the best version of yourself, that’s fine with us.

An artist’s rendering of what went down in the staff room with Dolores Umbridge and a cat. Graphic by: Olive-ay Ranzler-kay

EXCLUSIVE: Johnny the Gorilla from Sing wins America’s Next Top Model!

The beloved gorilla shocked fans and judges with his final strut down to the runway. What comes next to America’s new sweetheart?

Katniss Vertucci Mellark With the end of Season 56 of America’s Next Top Model, fans are reeling over the winner, popular British musician Johnny, the Gorilla from Sing. With his bold, stylish choices and confidence, Johnny captured the hearts of millions and walked away with the one million dollar prize, becoming an overnight celebrity and leaving fans wondering where this guy has been all their life?

And what comes next for him?

Johnny said, “Ay mate, I’m looking forward to the future, I really want to walk the Paris and New York Fashion week.” Right after the competition concluded, Johnny was bombarded with many modeling contracts from very famous modeling agencies, like Ford Modeling agency which represents some of the biggest names in the industry.

“Music has always been my passion, it was my first love, even though I’m experiencing the modeling world right now, I still wanna be a musician and make music,” said Johnny. Before going on America’s Next Top Model, Johnny was working on his first album, called “Johnny: The gorilla from Sing.” “I want to change the world with my music and spread awareness through it, but let’s be honest, being a model sounds super fun too!” said Johnny.

Since winning the competition, Johnny has gained five million new Instagram followers @Johnnythegorilla. With his recent influx in popularity, he’s also gained a loyal fan base who call themselves the “Johnnyers.” These fans love him for his handsomeness and how down to earth he is, “I think he’s so unique, we haven’t seen a model like

this in a while,” said Kassidy Jojoson, who’s been following Johnny since she saw him on America’s Next Top Model, “I think he’s super funny, he has amazing confidence and I really like his music!” said Jojoson.

Shortly after winning the modeling competition, Johnny starred in his first movie called “Sing,” this role was perfect for him because it revolved around a singing competition. When asked what the future holds for him, Johnny responded with, “We just released ‘Sing 2’ which was a masterpiece so honestly releasing a ‘Sing 3’ would be my ultimate dream.”

So far a third “Sing” movie hasn’t been announced but many fans are hoping their dreams will become a reality, but for the time being Johnny will be walking London Fashion week and his dream New York fashion week, and featured on the cover of very popular fashion magazine “Vogue.”

With his recent rise to fame, Johnny has experienced a lot of success, mainly getting featured on the cover of the popular magazine “VOGUE.” Photo by: Katniss Vertucci Mellark

Sports

April Fool’s Edition The Bougar Press Page 9

Elite Maskers are Getting Recognition New sport introduced to VHS: Professional mask wearing?

Olive-ay Ranzler-kay

Since the beginning of the pandemic, wearing masks properly has been one of the hardest feats known to man. Just imagine, these students are able to keep their masks up over their nose! Truly noteworthy individuals. Classes on the VHS campus and among other schools, have started having competitions to find out “who can wear their

mask properly the longest?”

Grueling class periods with students fighting to keep their masks covering their nose is not for the faint of heart!

Originating on the app TikTok, these competitions started to become somewhat famous around school, as students would gather outside the windows of classes, betting on who’s mask would dip

“These competitions have made it easer to keep masks up,” said VHS teacher Preston Holland. Graphic by: Olive-ay Ranzler-kay

first. The public demand for this ‘sport’ kept growing, cultivating a few famous mask wearers around campus.

“I guess it [mask wearing] just comes naturally to me,” said famed mask wearer, Gwendolyn Waters, a VHS senior. “I used to get sick a lot as a kid, so I have a lot of experience,” she said. Mask wearers have to go through very demanding training to get to their level of expertise, and some start from a very young age. Not everyone is built to be a professional.

When asked who is his favorite masker, sophomore Lance Terry said, “Definitely Alex is the best in my opinion.” Alex Olson is a VHS junior this year, and has an unrivaled record of in class mask wearing and is also one of the top mask wearers in the state.

He is planning on pursuing this path in the future and applying for mask wearing scholarships for college.

“I never thought [mask wearing] could be so useful in my life, but here I am,” Olson said.

“You can do it” said professional masker and VHS Junior Alex Olson to aspiring maskers. Graphic by: Olive-ay Ranzler-kay

Some people may overlook mask wearing as a profession, but the act of keeping your mask up is so entertaining, that some say it may become a professional sport one day. “I definitely get a kick out of watching [the maskers] compete,” said Terry. “You just never know what will happen!”

Teachers appreciate this new sport because it keeps the competition up, allowing them to restrain from asking students to

VHS athletes endorse professional mask wearing

pull up their mask every so

often. Studies show that in the time before masking competitions, three in every ten students would need a daily reminder from teachers to keep their mask on properly. This new trend makes it easier for teachers in some ways, but the crowds outside of the classroom also present a disruption to the class, so ‘professional masking’ in a classroom setting has its pros and cons.

VHS athletes contribute to the global wide revelation that masking makes you a better athlete

Ydorb

Undefeated in every sport on campus, Ventura High School teams hold out on their extraordinary streak, placing first in their league. All spring sports have been bringing in wins for VHS. In response to this unprecedented event in VHS sport history, proud sports director Gary Cleric said, “VHS has always been

great. This is just really proving it.”

Crushing records and rivals VHS leads the state of California in sports. Curious about this unexpected turn of events, Principal Bob Pickle hires a team of exercise physiologists from Harvard to examine all studentathletes. Lowd said, “I want to get to the bottom of this.

There’s a lot of pressure

A recent CDC study taken on Mar. 32, 2022 show’s that N95 mask are by far superior when you are running or doing any physical activity. Graphic by: Ydorb

from sports recruiters to figure out what happened so we can make it happen again.”

Results from the team of physiologists were slow coming, explaining what happened is Jannet Dibrokowski, “We kept testing and drawing blood from students, but we couldn’t quite figure out what it was that suddenly made VHS even greater.

Finally, we figured it was just luck even though no training plan had changed.

Almost overnight, students began to excel and play their sport at a professional level. We had almost given up when I discovered a slight difference in the DNA of an athlete pre-COVID. I pursued this angle and realized that there is a quality in the fabric of most masks that is inherently making VHS students even greater. The more you wear your mask, the better athlete you become.”

This was a shocking revelation for baseball coach Jebart Jivvy, “I am now having my players wear their masks everywhere, to bed, to practice, every waking and sleeping moment they better have their masks on.”

Testing their hypothesis would prove more difficult. Dibrokowski decided to use DNA from

Two seniors, Grace Vkjbsrfa and Matt Plam running at Foster park with masks. Photo by: Ydorb

schools in Ventura that do not require masks or vaccines, such as Ronnie High School, their primary school subject.

After extensive testing, and comparing student-athletes from the two schools, their hypothesis was officially proven by the CDC that masking creates better athletes.

This new research has sparked nationwide mask mandates for athletes.

Schools that used to be first

in sports have sunk to much lower. COVID-19 numbers have decreased due to antimaskers realizations that masking affects sports.

The bar for athletics has risen much higher than ever before, considering that an average high school student can break records set by the Olympians before them. This new wave of information has set forth a new precedent for athletes everywhere, that wearing their masks will save lives and their sporting event.

April Fool’s Edition The Cougar Press Page 10

The Lucible (Crucible fanfic)

Opinion

John Proctoe, attending the first trial, makes eye contact with you from across the courtroom

Katniss Vertucci Mellark

Ojai travel guide: what to do and what NOT First step: dont go

Doow Nylecoj

Dan Humphrey

The court is in session.

The accused are standing in the front of the room, Y/N (your name) is sitting in an aisle seat, turn your head to the left and realize that John Proctoe, local bad boy, is staring at your body, then his burning blue eyes meet yours. Immediately your breath is taken away as you take in his face. He has a 5 o’clock shadow, his nose is perfectly straight and his jaw is so sharp it could cut if you get too close.

Proctoe: Leans close to Bale and whispers, Do you know that person over there?

Bale: Aye, they’re new in town. Their name is Y/N. Proctoe: Aye, ok. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A few days later, John Proctoe sits alone next to a burning fire in distress about his wife’s trial. Y/N enters the room and smiles gently. Shyly they approach.

Y/N: Excuse me, John Proctoe, how are you feeling?

I saw you in the courtroom yesterday and you seemed tense. I noticed you were sitting next to Bale, so I asked him where your crib was and whom you were.

Proctoe: Aye, I remember seeing you there.

Thank you for coming. I am distressed and worried sick about my wife’s fate.

Y/N: Oh good sir, I’m heartbroken to hear about your dear wife. I was outraged at that ignorant Judge Danfortnite.

How could they ever believe that girl Brigabigale Smelliams over a God-fearing man like yourself? You say heatedly Proctoe: Staring up at you in awe. He is speechless.

Ojai travel guide: Don’t go in the first place.

Actually, wait, go once, to experience it.

Then leave.

Unpopular (or maybe popular) opinion: I hate Ojai. Ojai, rightfully so, is nicknamed the armpit of Ventura County. It’s true!

I must confess, I do go to Ojai maybe once a month. For Bart’s Books. I love Bart’s Books. It’s a cute small business, second-hand bookstore.

I recommend going.

After that, LEAVE. Maybe hit up the Starbucks in Oak View then, RUN. Also, WHAT THE HECK is an Oak View?

Literally what. And Casitas Springs? They are all Ojai in my brain.

“Oak View and Casitas Springs actually do not exist!!” said one anonymous VHS student.

Ex freaking xactly Ok here’s the real travel guide for that one time:

The three most involved characters are Y/N, John Proctoe, and Reverend Bale. Media by: Doow Nylecoj

Y/N: Immediately embarrassed. Oh, good sir, I’m so sorry I get very heated when discussing erroneous accusations and coerced confessions. All of the confession kept juxtaposing each other. You say quickly and run away out of unease. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A few days later, John walks into the small local library, his best friend Reverend Bale’s favorite spot.

Proctoe: Bale, can I ask you a hypothetical question?

Bale: Immediately knowing it wasn’t hypothetical, this was a real life question.

Sure what’s up bro?

Proctoe: My friend is infatuated with this new person in town and wants to get to know them, but they are nervous about how to ask them. What advice would you give me, oh sorry I meant my friend.

Bale: With a grin on his face Aye aye, I see what you’re putting down. I would tell “your friend” to just ask them for a stroll through the fields.

Proctoe: Nodding.

Aye, proper good idea my

friend! With a quick bro hug, Proctoe walks out. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Y/N: A pigeon carrying a letter flies right onto your head. Agh! What’s this?

Looking down you open the letter.

To: Y/N From: Proctoe Meet me in the fields for a stroll ;) Sincerely, Proctoe You excitedly hurry out to the field. Once you get out to the field you see Proctoe standing next to a layed out blanket with a pie sitting in the middle.

Y/N: Hello good sir, what’s this?

Proctoe: I would like to get to know you more.

He says sitting down on the blanket. I’ve never met anyone quite like you.

Back to Bart’s Books, amazing, incredible, recommended. Go. Libby Park; fun when there are no kids. So go after dinner.

Dinner: go to that frog pizza place, it’s authentic. NOT Boccali’s, too mainstream, you’ll see everyone and their mothers at Boccali’s, so go at a weird time if you are going to go.

Downtown Ojai: maybe go once. It’s expensive, but realistically you aren’t going to buy anything.

Nordhoff High School: it’s where Easy A was filmed and that’s the only redeeming quality. That’s IT. Nordhoff High School Students: don’t get me started. I also heard that Nordoff kids go onto the football fields on a legit horse.

Why? But Emma Stone was on their campus, so.

“Nordoff kids are mean and manipulative and essential oil kids and I dont like them,” said Greg Jones.

Continued on... thebougarpress.org

Y/N: Blushing and sitting next to him. I like you too sir Proctoe, you intrigue me.

Looking down at the pie you realize that it’s your favorite flavor!

Continued on... thebougarpress.org

“Ojai is fun, for a day” said one anonymous student. LISTEN TO MY GUIDE to save embarrassment. Photo by: Dan Humphrey

New account ‘exposes’ student maskfishers online An anonymous Instagram is posting and rating what VHS students look like without their masks

ur mom Ever wondered what people at school really look like under the masks? Well, wonder no more because students of Ventura High School have taken it upon themselves to reveal and rate

what their classmates look like without masks covering the lower half of their face.

Most of the posts by @VHS_maskfishers on Instagram show unsuspecting students pulling down their masks to do things like eat or drink water. And honestly, it’s

Junior Ian Freeman said, “I think [the account] is fine. I hope I’m on it one day. I’d probably be like a 9 or 10.” Freeman was in fact later posted on @VHS_maskfishers Instagram account. He ranked a 3 out of 10. Graphic by: ur mom

so uncool. Imagine just trying to get fresh air and instead end up having your picture poster online with a number rating how you look. It’s totally messed up.

Freshman Adina Li said, “Usually I would think this is funny, but they’re taking it too far by rating how they look. The picture alone would be fine.” Li said, “School and life in general are stressful enough without this added pressure of someone publicly calling you out. Literally who do they think they are to post pictures of other people.”

“Another thing that bothers me is the way they attack you in their stories if you ask them to take down the post about you.” @VHS_maskfishers is only one of many studentrun Instagram accounts that document student life.

There are others that post the latest gossip on campus, the condition of bathrooms and

student PDA. enior Dora Dasearcher agreed with Li. They said, “I think it’s kind of a mean thing that whoever is behind the account is doing. Some of the pictures are unflattering and I know I wouldn’t want pictures like that of me posted.”

Other students, like Junior Ian Freeman, disagree.

Freeman said, ““Personally, I think it’s funny. We don’t really know what other people look like without masks so it’s kind of cool to see these posts.” In a poll taken by @ the.cougar.press on Instagram, 58% (87 votes) of students did not approve of the account, while 42% (63 votes) liked it.

The bio of the account states, “Exposing mask fishers at VHS.” A mask fisher is a form of catfishing where a person looks better wearing a mask than without. Although it is unconfirmed who is running the account, it is speculated that it is a collective effort

Pictured is an example of one of the posts by @VHS_maskfishers.

Senior Lydia Hale received and 8 out of 10. This is the highest rank the account has given anyone.

Photo by: ur mom

from anti-mask students. You know who I’m talking about right? The kids in class that no matter how many times they’re told to pull their masks up, they have it down (if it’s on their face at all).

Distractions

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Where’s Cougie?

Graphic by: Mrs. Styles

Graphic by: Women Lover Graphic by: Crazy Jonker

Cougar Catnips

Jay-Ay-Dee-Ee

Doow Nylecoj

SuperDuperKyle

Slippin’ and Slidin’

I’m pretty sure everyone has been wondering who the heck is running Ventura High School’s social media, because I know I have been. Well SuperDuperKyle has admitted that he is behind ALL the social media. I honestly dont know how I feel about this.

There seems to be a lot of mixed feelings about him running VHS’s social media. I’m just wondering why he is running our social media. Didn’t he graduate like 8 years ago? Does SuperDuperKyle really not have anything better to do with his time? I guess he just can’t get enough of Ventura High School.

I would love to know why wearing bananas as shoes is not socially acceptable in this day and age. You’d think with how progressive our society is now something like this would be more accepted and appreciated honestly. Its peak fashion and its very comfortable, you can wear them anywhere. Although you risk sliding and falling on your back, the look of them is so worth it. I even wore them to my grandma’s funeral, it gave my grandpa a nice chuckle. Banana shoes just bring a lot of joy and I think society would REALLY benefit from them greatly.

Graphic by: Woman Slayer

Graphic by: Olive-ay Ranzler-kay

Graphic by: Katniss Vertucci Mellark

Distractions

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Graphic by: Ydorb Graphic by: Miss Piggy

Graphic by: Katniss Vertucci Mellark

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Graphic by: Miss Piggy

Graphic by: Dan Humphrey

Graphic by: Moon Girl