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Spokes & Jokes
The Carolinas’ Full Throttle Magazine staff screens hundreds of jokes each month. We make no claim to being politically correct. Most PC jokes just aren’t funny. If you are offended by any of the jokes on this page, take heart in the fact that we go to great lengths to offend everyone equally. This is not a hate crime! At our house we call it “pickin” and it is symbolic of your acceptance in the group. We live in the United States Of The Offended, so get over it!!
At a wedding ceremony the pastor asked, “If anyone has anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom, it is your time to stand up and talk, or forever hold your peace.” The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman way in the back of the church. She was carrying a child. She stood up and started walking slowly down the aisle towards the pastor. Chaotic murmur with loud gasps spread quickly. The bride threw down her bouquet and burst out crying. The groom’s mother fainted. The Best Man and the groomsmen started giving each other looks, wondering how to save the situation. The pastor asked the woman, “Can you tell us, why you came forward. “What do you have to say?” There was absolute silence in the church. The woman replied, “We can’t hear in the back.” The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an ‘intellectually challenged’ coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the beeper was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “what on earth are blind people doing driving?!” She is a government employee.
r-a-n-c-h”. The announcer says sorry wrong answer but right spelling, and the Arkansan is jumping up and down and he is so excited he almost screams. The announcer turns to the Arkansan and says: “for $64,000 what is the answer”. The Arkansan answers “farm, e-ie-i-o”. Last night my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.” The little bastards got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine! Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?” Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn’t it?” And thus, began Frank’s life of celibacy.
My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s driveup window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c. She said, “you gave me too much money.” I said, “Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.” She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said, “We’re sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.” The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the people at Mickey D’s.
A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?” The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve, and they had children, and so was all mankind made.” Two days later, the curious girl asked her father the same question. “Many years ago,” the father answered, “there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.” The confused girl returned to her mother. “Mommy, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God,” she said, “and Daddy said they developed from monkeys?” The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”
It’s the final round of the $64,000 Question and only 3 remaining contestants are left, an Englishman, a Texan, and an Arkansan. The question is, “finish the following song title and spell the answer: ‘Old Macdonald had a ____’”. The Englishman goes 1st and says “estate, e-s-t-a-t-e”. The announcer says sorry wrong answer, but right spelling, meanwhile the Arkansan is going nuts he is so excited he cannot control himself. The Texan goes next and answers, “Ranch,
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin.” The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.” The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.” “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?” “Tiger Woods.” “Tiger Woods the golfer?” “Yeah.” “Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.” The husband and
wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. “What are you doing?” asks the wife. The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that!” She claims. “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?” “He’d come back to bed for a second time.” The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “What are you doing?” She asks. The husband says, “I’m still hungry, so I was going to call room service to get some food.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that.” she claims again. “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?” “He’d come back to bed and do it a third time.” The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?” “No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this d@mn hole!” I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’ A teacher is trying to teach good manners to her third-grade students. She turned to her class and said, “Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?” Michael said, “Just a minute, I have to go pee.” The teacher responded by saying, “Well, that would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?” Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.” “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you behave for once and show us your good manners?” Johnny said, “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.” That’s when the teacher fainted.