HUMOR
A Practice Exam
GRE prep for the modern Columbia student, after Alejandro Zambra’s Multiple Choice. BY CHLOË GOTTLIEB Reading comprehension: Which one of the following most accurately expresses the main conclusion of President Bollinger’s latest email? A. The $11-billion endowment, unfortunately, cannot be spent on any persons employed by the University, unless their name rhymes with Bee Lollinger. B. An apology for hiding the Lenape commemoration plaque behind three untrimmed bushes, and a confirmation that its location will not be changed. C. President Bollinger will begin signing off his correspondences with an NFT paw print stamp of the Obamas’ now deceased dog, Bo, above his cognomen, “PrezBo.” D. None of the above, his email was written entirely by predictive text and is utterly incoherent. Select the most correct explanation for why you did the majority of your group project. A. Everyone else will mess it up. And besides, the scales of Lady Justice are often evened out by a team partner review form. B. Your attachment style is anxious-avoidant. C. Your class partner is newly single, and not responding. He’s probably with that blonde girl, who always made you doubt. She’s so much older than you—she’s everything you’re insecure about. D. You might climb to great heights, but baby, you’ll climb ’em alone. Someone invites you to a Q House party the same night as a RatRock concert. Which of the following is an appropriate response? A. Pregame at RatRock and leave after making some unprotected eye contact with a tinyhat-skate-life boy. B. Unironically do a TikTok dance at Q House and be asked to leave. C. Throw on something “camp” and flip a coin to decide where you’re headed. D. Stop having gay friends. Who would be most successful in a hand-tohand combat fight against Interim Provost Ira Katznelson? A. Joon Baek, former CCSC President. B. Blue-haired girl in a History seminar.
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C. @gab_nyc. D. Ten-foot-tall Allen Ginsburg. Which one of the following uses flawed reasoning? A. Prioritizing CC readings. B. Consenting to eat dinner at John Jay. C. Waiting for the elevator in Hamilton. D. All of the above. Select the sequence which most accurately portrays the PoliSci/Econ-major-to-McKinsey pipeline: 1. Stan Scorsese. 2. Thrive off of external validation. 3. Actively harbor a dislike for your peers who receive financial aid. 4. Forgive your father for voting for Trump since he only did it for the economy, after all, and politics aren’t everything. 5. Try coke in the Mel’s bathroom. A. 3-1-5-4-2 B. 5-2-1-3-4 C. 4-1-3-2-5 D. 2-1-3-4-5 Deantini is a: A. Libra. B. Sagittarius. C. Cryptid. D. Low-calorie alcoholic beverage popular among UWS SoulCycle instructors. Which of the following markers of the American millennial zeitgeist is most prevalent on campus? A. Hogwarts House pride. B. Skinny jeans. C. Dunder Mifflin merchandise. D. That sorority sister who has two queer acquaintances and therefore feels entitled to complain about there being “no straight guys at this school.” Which of the following famous phrases, attributed to a Columbia alum, best reflects the student experience? A. “I don't know, I don’t care, and it doesn’t make any difference.” (Jack Kerouac) B. “When I was in ‘Jarhead,’ I felt really good about my body, really confident.” (Jake Gyllenhaal)
THE BLUE AND WHITE
