The Black Sheep FR
ew h ge at no ho sm oke ith rs co .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 3 9/20/12 - 9/26/12
top 10: classes you should take Meagan O’Day wrote this So you’re majoring in multi-disciplinary studies or business simply because you’re content paying more money than you will make in ten years for that shiny diploma. It sounds boring because it is. School is supposed to be boring, or so we’ve thought for our entire academic lives. Composition and rhetoric are followed by anatomy and mathematics. Your schedule fills up with monotony and you consider possibly living in a box on High Street or better yet, living in your parents’ basement forever. The bad news is, of course, your parents won’t have that (the box thing is do-able but we both know you enjoy your student refund too much to live the life of a vagabond). The good news is that you will have a few open slots to decorate your sched with, and there are a few but important classes that every major should take. 10. Interpersonal communications: This class actually gives relationship advice, so you can stop Googling “How to make a guy like me” or “Having sex without having to pay for it,” while waiting for the bus. 9. Social work: This class gives insight into the different economic statuses of all people, and will help you better understand those who are different than yourself. It’s more book-heavy than street-heavy, so, you know, you don’t have to “get your hands dirty” by touching homeless people. Just kidding, charity is important. 8. Abnormal psychology: Just because you have anxiety, doesn’t make you abnormal. In fact, it’s about as abnormal as the PRT working for more than two days straight. But go ahead and diagnose yourself, tell your parents, and score some weird pharmaceuticals. 7. Nutrition: This drunk pizza has a large amount of saturated fat, guys. Dip it in cheese? More fat. Another beer? Carbs, so many carbs. You guys, this is the worst. So good, but so bad. 6. World religion: Rubbing Buddha’s belly is not a thing. Unless your teacher is a fat, hard grader. Then it might be a thing that separates a pass from a fail. 5. Women’s studies: A wonderful aid in the dating field, boys. You will learn to respect a woman’s vagina. VAGINA, DID YOU HEAR ME? DOES THIS MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, YOU MYSOGINIST FUCK?
Girlfriends Guide to Fantasy Sports
4. Economics: Boring as hell, but it will make you sound more intelligent when you actually understand what inflation really is. That and a Mexican Debt Pushdown, everyone loves the Mexican Debt Pushdown. On the other hand, you might just be talking about sex again. 3. Political science: “Let’s go to the Mountain Lair and discuss the apartheid.” Damn, you’re so aware. We’re electing a new king soon, so maybe this class will help when you force everyone at the pre-game to talk politics. I hope there is more beer here, or else we need to change the conversation.
Why Everyone Should Study Abroad
The flex position isn't what you think it is, ladies.
Some reasons why you should said 'Adios' to America.
2. Philosophy: How do you know you are taking this class? How do you know you know? 1. LGBTQ studies: The newest addition to Women’s and Gender Studies, this class will help you understand that you know next to nothing about what it is to be a male or female. Maybe that will free you, maybe you’ve felt constrained by that damn penis hanging around there. This class will open your eyes.
College Procrastination Reaches New Heights Note: Don't forget to put something here.
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? firstname.lastname@example.org
page 5: Our Guide to the Apocalypse weapons... you will need lots of weapons.
page 6: from the streets What is the worst pick-up line a guy has ever used on you?
page 10: Election Protection it's an election year, which means captain buzzkill will force his opinions on you.
page 13: bartender of the week Matt from Lux hates nothing about bartending except how sloppy some of the drunks get.
page 14: Cryptography Solve the puzzle and you'll have our heart. And by heart, we mean prize.
ARE YOU LIVE MUSIC! READY FRIDAY: GAGE FOR THIS? SAT.: THE APPROACH GREAT SPECIALS FRIDAY & SATURDAY
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word of the week Bravadon’t:
An act of heroism meant to impress, resulting in embarrassing failure for the person in question. “Patrick’s had an act of bravadon’t when he broke his leg by jumping off of the roof.”
The Girlfriend’s Guide to Fantasy Sports Hannah Borland wrote this Ladies, if you’re lucky enough to have a man who puts up with both your complete lack of personality and utter reliance on him to drive you everywhere - congratulations. Pat yourself on the back for being eh, hot enough, and put down the Cosmo that’s telling you how to properly caress his balls. Seriously. If you’re brave and/or trashed enough to shackle yourself to one guy for more than the time it takes to get him to buy you a drink, the last place you should take advice from is women’s magazines. Indeed, if you want to take on the challenge of keeping a man happy, there is one, and only one question you need to ask yourself. And you better answer with an affirming jumping high-five! ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!? Or baseball. Or basketball. Or pro bass fishing, if your guy is in Farmhouse. Face it, your man has a lot of fantasies, but did you know that not all of them are about you? At least .317% of them are sports-related. Specifically, having his own fantasy team. Note that you can’t be a member of this team. So how do you navigate this confusing world of mythical RBI’s and make-believe second downs? How can you make sure you own stake in his little you-less sanctuary that is fantasy sports? By following our Girlfriend’s Guide to Fantasy Sports, silly. Pro Tip 1: Show up at his draft party. Draft parties are totes boring sausage fests with way too many confusing numbers and statistics. Your guy will want nothing to do with it anymore after the first round when Aaron Rodgers, Sidney Crosby, or Kobe Bryant has already been drafted to Team Master Chief. Get your sweet, yoga ass over there to sit on his lap and keep him entertained through the boring hours of beer, wings, and icky male bonding. Pro Tip 2: Give him lots of advice on whom to put in on his game nights. Everybody knows that good-looking guys are more talented, nicer, and better at foreplay than ugly guys. So when your sweetie wants to have a total cave troll play for his team tonight, it’s your job to stop him! The sweet, cinnamon baby face of Blake Griffin must mean that he’s better than that bearded
jack-o-lantern LeBron James. Plus “power forward” sounds so much manlier than “small forward.” Pro Tip 3: Trash text the guys in his league. Strike fear into the hearts of your boo’s opponents by letting them know that they are going down hard—you know, like you when you want a new purse. Just a simple, “Ur team sucks! Get a girlfriend loser!” should do it. This tip is so effective that it will cause the entire league to stop talking to your man out of what we can only assume to be sheer terror. Pro Tip 4: Withhold sex unless he wins his match up. Fantasy sports are as important to guys as graduating college, so you need to show him you take his team as seriously as he does. If his guys aren’t scoring, he isn’t scoring. Trust us; he’ll appreciate this spirited dedication to his success and coital condemnation of his failure. Fantasy sports are not for the faint of heart. The next time you make eye contact with a guy over your Brody Square sushi that shows how worldly and daring you are, think twice. Ask yourself, “Will this end badly, with me sobbing and praying to the porcelain god while his suitemates do the pee dance? Or will it lead to me making him into a fantasy player with possibly the best record ever?” That may be a question you’d never thought you’d ask yourself, but follow our tips and you can make this season be his “fantasy come true.” Princess Leia costume not included.
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our guide to the apocalypse: zombie edition Phil mccracken wrote this We here at The Black Sheep WVU have a mission for the rest of 2012: Prepare you, the innocent reader, for the upcoming apocalypse in every way we know how. But Googling butt porn and wearing mirror blouses may not be enough to save you. As Morgantown will soon echo with the howls of students and adults with no life, you may be asking yourself: How are you going to survive a Zombie Apocalypse? Zombies vs Humans is more than just fun and games. ZvH players know we stand on the edge of the Apocalypse. This time, the stakes are higher. This time, it’s serious. This time, it’s on. Hardcore. Are you ready to face down zombie hordes armed with nothing but what you find in your dorm room? Are you prepared to put down the people you once loved when they become mindless, famished monsters that hunger for your flesh? Can you live with yourself after the battle, knowing in the back of your mind that one wrong move and you could have been the slimy smear of blood and decomposed brain on the baseball bat? Of course not. That’s what we’re here for. PREPARATION: Ask ten people off the street how to prepare for a Zombie Apocalypse and you’ll get 20 different answers. We’re pumped. We’re ready. But easy, trigger. You’re not as ready as you think you are. Do you have supplies all packed up in case you need to get out of your house immediately? A bike, for when you inevitably run out of gasoline and have to leave your car behind? How about weapons? Are you in a position where if there was a zombie outbreak right this very second, you’re ready to go? Go ahead. We’ll wait. While you’re scrambling around your place in a panicked attempt to throw together a sloppy go-bag, prioritize your weapons. Guns will run out of ammo very quickly, and gun
shop owners, who likely have been waiting for this moment their entire lives, will shoot on sight. You need blunt instruments. Bats, golf clubs, whatever is light enough not to tire you out during the battle, but effective enough to bash a in human skull. Form a party, playing to everyone’s skills set. If Marcia is an ace shooter, let her be in charge of the guns while Eric works the hockey stick and Tammy scavenges supplies. And bring a Red Shirt dude. Always bring a Red Shirt dude. And for God’s sake, find a way to keep your iPod running. You haven’t spent hours and hours compiling the perfect Zombie fighting playlist for nothing. THE BATTLE: The smart survivors are going to spend most of their time on the run from ravenous creatures of doom. The awesome ones will be spending the end of the world reenacting Jackie Chan movies and trying to out-do each other in head counts. These people will die gloriously in a blaze of Molotov cocktails and improvised weaponry. Most of The Black Sheep will be joining them because that sounds more fun than anything we’ve ever done in our lives (including this one time in Morgan's basement, but that’s a whole ‘nother ballgame). But if you’re too special to die the most epic of deaths (you’re not), then run. Run as fast as your cowardly little feet can take you. Try to get as far north as possible, where the cold will slow down the zombie metabolism so you only have to deal with sluggish walkers. You can quickly deal with those using a bat.
why everyone should study abroad Meagan O’Day wrote this
When zombies start being polite to you, you’ve hit Canada. They are known for their healing wizardry, so chances are they’ve just worked out a cure and you’re probably safe. Go ahead and put your clothes back on if you took them off. THE AFTERMATH: If you survived the Zombie Apocalypse, we congratulate you. It takes an incredible inner strength to face down the hordes and untold hordes of undead creatures screaming to chew your brain. Also shooting you requisite-background-history love interest right in the face. That must have been tough. But it’s worth it now that you’re one of the only 600 people in America who survived! That means you get your pick of everything! That means you can go live in Bill Murray’s house if you want! (Unless he survived. He probably survived, the squirrelly bastard.) Now all you have to do is find a working car that will… that will take you… to… to Hollw- oh my God, what is that smell? It’s like if a chain smoking horse ate congealed zombie slime and threw it up on your face! What is that- wait, sh! Did you hear that? Like a faint humming, or maybe a buzzing? Oh, shi- dude, don’t look now, but there’s a group of cadaver-eating insects crawling up your- NO, DON’T TRY TO KICK THEM oh God oh God, get them off! Get them off me! Ew ew ew, that’s so fucking gross! I HATE this end of the world!
Studying abroad is a truly enlightening experience. Destinations like beautiful Italy, batshit Japan and historic England remind Mountaineers that there’s a whole great big world outside of Morgantown. Why wouldn’t you want to pack up and leave for a five-month excursion without taking time off from school? It’s easy to pretend all of the hot foreign people that would totally shit themselves upon realization that you are American, but it is necessary to understand that living in another country is not as easy as it looked on the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Withal, it is about as rewarding as a jogger completing a half-marathon, and anyone who does it deserves a “No way, you lived in Korea for five months? That’s awesome!” If you decide this is something you would like to do for yourself and your resume, keep the following in mind before you subject your nether regions to the TSA: Language: Obvious, right? Not really. As an American, I knew I would need to assimilate to the Brit’s crumpet eating and tea drinking, but I had no idea how startling the differences really were. “They speak English and are on television all of the time, so why can’t I understand how to get out of this airport?” It took me three times to roll my overstuffed suitcase up and down two levels and a pained but decent response out of a German currency exchanger to figure out how to find the missing exit sign. Slight differences, even spelling, can throw you off and even anger you. It’s spelled globalization, not globilisation. Cursing is also a priority in other countries. A certain “C” word is very prevalent in other countries, so look forward to spouting the C word all you want. Runt! Bunt! Crunt!
People: No one necessarily cares that you’re American. I had a few people ask me where I was from, and that was the end of it. Unless you get smashed with your new friends and start yelling “‘Murica!” while crushing red, white and blue cans of Budweiser, most people will simply assume you’re Canadian. However, your friends will ask you repeatedly how to say certain things in your language, and you should definitely oblige - it’s fun and it makes you mildly important for a few months of your life. Currency: The currency exchange rate is different for every country. I brought over a few grand to England, and upon monetary exchange I possessed about half of that. Where does it go? Nowhere, the American dollar just doesn’t count for shit in much of Europe. Be aware of how much you will need before you go, and be sure to take the differences into account. You could go to Thailand and be a rich man, but you could also be kidnapped and sold into slavery in some back alley market. It’s worth doing a pro/ con analysis. Traveling abroad truly is a once in a lifetime experience. It’s one of the best things you can do for your baby mind at such a transitional period in your life. Studying Hitler from the English perspective or learning about Samurai in Kyoto will ultimately make you more worldly, and therefore the coolest amongst your circle of friends. And if you invest in some Ray-Bans and off brand flannel, you could conceivably morph yourself into a hipster before you land in Illinois at your layover, no questions asked. You’ll be trapping fellow partiers into conversations about “trusting yourself,” and “crazy hostel murders” in no time!
From the Streets
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What is the worst pick-up line a guy has ever used on you? "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" - Ryann H., Junior
"Have we met?" - Lauren D., Senior
"You are the most beautiful girl in the bar right now." - Jenna C., Senior
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College procrastination reaches new heights cody man wrote this With the first exams in many classes already approaching, many students are doing this thing where they spend a lot of time on non-important stuff to try to avoid doing what they actually need to be doing. You know, that whole beatingaround-the-bush thing before getting to the meat of an assignment. It’s like, “Dude, what’s the point of this thing?””I dunno, dude. Have you seen this Gangnam Style video?” Anyway… According to Wikipedia, a whole lot of college students utilize some form of procrastination. Whether it be playing a quick round of Call of Duty, catching up on a little sleep, surfing the Internet, cleaning the apartment, fixing an extravagant meal, or crafting a needlessly long list, there are many things to which today’s students are turning in an effort to put off real work for just a little longer. Many believe that writing assignments in particular cause extraordinary procrastinatory measures among students, including the creation of new adjectives. As a result of the rampant procrastination, WVU professors are noticing a growing trend of assignments bearing the tell-tale signs of being last-minute efforts. Reports of printers dying and computers crashing, sloppy oral presentations filled with lots of, uh, verbal fillers, pour grammar in writing assignments, and incomplete thoughts are leaving instructors shaking their However, it is not just students who are having trouble with putting things off until the last minute. There have been numerous reports of professors not returning graded works
until weeks and weeks after the fact, prompting many complaints to WVU administration (the university is expected to respond to these complaints sometime in the near future). Other students have noted absurdly long wait times for food from on-campus dining facilities. One Burger King cook was seen to be staring vacantly into the deep fryer while the line in front of the counter continued to grow. One common refrain among students is the lack of effort put into the creation of exams by their instructors. Tests have become increasingly easy as the problem persists. “I had a professor who gave us a one-question exam the other day,” said one totally-not-made-up-at-the-last-minute student. “He said he was too busy watching the Steelers game the night before to finish making the rest of the test.” “My poli-sci professor was telling us all about this really good book she had been reading on the day we were supposed to have a test,” said another student this author who was definitely actually interviewed was quoted saying “By the time she got done, she admitted that she never actually made out an exam for us and just asked us who the President was before giving us all A’s. In other cases, procrastination could turn out not to be quite
so harmless. In response to recent questions concerning rising tuitions and costs of student living, WVU President James Clements began fidgeting and rambling about his time commitments. “Well, you see, we’re going to get the tuition issue under control…eventually. There’s just been so much other stuff going on lately. I’ve been trying to get caught up on Breaking Bad, for one. And I mean really, aren’t there so many other things you’d rather us be doing than trying to balance that whole budget? That’s just so much work. We could be doing so many other things instead—like not balancing the budget, for instance. We’re considering building another fountain somewhere before we start working on tuition costs though, what do you guys think?” Above is a chart showing the campus-wide progression of procrastination.
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black sheep staff wrote this With the start of another semester, you may currently be preoccupied with things like new classes, new apartments, and old drinking habits. That’s dandy, but you need to realize this is just the lull before the storm. You don’t need a radar dish or geriatric achy joints to predict this particular storm; it happens every four years like clockwork. This one is special, because instead of being bombarded by hail or inexplicably airborne cows, you’ll be drowning in a sea of politically charged debates and advertisements. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, the election year is upon us. So you’d best be ready to weather the political shit-storm when it hits. That’s not to say the spirit of the election isn’t something to get into, but like the whiskey at your grandma’s birthday party, it’s something to be enjoyed in moderation. Regardless of political affiliation, most people just want to keep to themselves until they can go cast their ballot and help keep the governmental machine chugging along for another term. But there’s something about the presidential election year that stirs up the crazies: those rabid, word-vomiting voters who love nothing more than killing everybody else’s mood. You know the type; they turn everything into a debate, never lose an opportunity to bump their favorite candidate, and constantly tell you how important it is to get active by voting (unless you’re voting against them, of course). These are the same kinds of people who, when they were young, would beat a hornet’s nest with a stick and be surprised when everybody stopped having fun. So what is there to do for the rest of us? If you are not one of those who eat, breathe, and sleep politics, the election buzz can seem inescapable. As we approach the election, there are things you can do to successfully defuse political tension should it arise. Should you find yourself face to face with somebody intent on convincing you who to vote for, or telling you which side to take on certain issues, try telling them you’ve decided to cast a write-in ballot for the piano-playing internet cat. With any luck, they’ll become flustered enough to shut up. If you find yourself watching some punk that vomits political jargon and uses the terms “economy” and “society” like it’s their job, simply take another sip of your drink and interrupt with some amazing news – “YOU GUYS, I’M CLEAN. I GOT TESTED AND WE’RE GOOD TO GO! LET’S
CALL SOME HOOKERS AND HAVE SOME UNPROTECTED SEX.” Find yourself in the middle of a Facebook thread war on LGBT rights? Simply unfollow the post and never be bothered by its notifications ever again – but not before first getting one last remark in: “You guys are gay.” Hey, it’s the truth. Politics in the media are a little harder to get away from. Newspapers, magazines, radio, and television will be running plenty of political advertisements. That means you can turn to your reliable friends like Netflix, the internet, or seventeenth century British literature. Ad-free services can provide you with a break from all the commotion. To be clear: voting is great. You should probably do it. Respectfully sharing opinions is good. Do that too. But there’s something about major elections that flips a switch, making some normally respectable people turn into the offensive, tactless dolts who seem all too commonplace every four years. Respect other people’s boundaries, and ask that they respect yours. Don’t be afraid to change the subject, leave the table, or turn the TV off. If need be, board the windows and sit in your basement for a couple months; the election will pass.
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bartender of the week matt y. lux Major: Business Relationship Status: Single Best Part of Working at Lux: Environment — great music, great drinks, and great looking bartenders! Favorite liquor to drink straight: Wild Turkey American Honey. Worst night to bartend: Any night it rains. Most embarrassing bartending story: Not remembering how I got home from work (more than once).
the drinking game
across the bridge Feeling lucky? This game takes absolutely no skill whatsoever! It also requires little thought and physical movement. As that weird-looking chick from The Hunger Games says, “May the odds be ever in your favor.” What You’ll Need: A deck of cards and your brew of choice. Number of Players: Two or more. Just make sure you have enough cards! Level of Intoxication: If you’re lucky, you’ll get tipsy. If you’re unlucky, you’ll black out. How to Play: - Deal ten cards face down in a straight line for your “bridge.” - One player starts the game by flipping the first card. - If the card is a 2 through 10, the player can move on to flipping the next card. - If the flipped card is a face card (jack, queen, king or ace), the player must drink (one second for a jack, two for a queen, three for a king, and four for an ace). - The player must also add cards onto the end of your bridge (one for a jack, two for a queen, three for a king and four for an ace). - The next player flips their next card and continues the game in the same fashion. The Game Ends When: One player stumbles all the way across the bridge. In that case, shuffle the cards and start over.
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Advice to girls trying to get free drinks at the bar: Flirt but don’t seem desperate. Favorite drink to make: Asian Fusion—Come see me and try it out for yourself. Biggest pet peeve: Sloppy drunks. What do you think is your most attractive attribute: Personality and ability to talk to anyone. What do you think is the best hangover cure: Good ol’ Natty Light. Worst thing about bartending: Absolutely nothing.
Recipe for Disaster
impost0r cinnastix You’re at the peak of your “munchies stage” and you’re craving Domino’s Cinnastix, however you’re too lazy to get off your ass and walk to a Domino’s. Then you realize your pocket full of dollar bills is now just a pocket full of bad decisions and the aroma of stripper perfume. What do you do? Make these Impostor Cinnastix, that’s what! What You’ll Need: Bread, butter, sugar, cinnamon, milk, powdered sugar. Cook Time: 20 minutes. Fatty Factor: If you’re on a diet, just stop reading now. Let’s Get Baked: - Lay pieces of bread onto a piece of foil. - Microwave ¼ cup of butter. - Spread the butter across your pieces of bread. - Mix 2 teaspoons of cinnamon and ½ cup of sugar in a bowl. - Sprinkle your cinnamon sugar on top of your bread. - Let your bread bake in the oven for 10 minutes on 150 degrees. - In a separate bowl, mix ¼ cup of melted butter with ¼ tablespoon of milk and 2 tablespoons of powdered sugar. - Mix well until it looks like icing. - Take your bread out of the oven and let cool. - Drizzle your icing on top of your bread. Bring these with you to the bars and sell them for five bucks a piece to those drunken girls who “need something to absorb the obscene amount of alcohol they drank.” Yeah, good luck with that.
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Point / Counter Point:
Fall TV Shows 666 Park Avenue (ABC)
Ben and Kate (FOX)
Q: A young couple moves into a “too good to be true” apartment complex, and if you haven’t figured it out already from the spoon-fed title, it’s haunted. Who cares about a plot when the preview shows people being sucked into the walls by spirits or committing suicide off the edge of the building? It looks like nothing new, just the same old “whipping out an old book to find out the dragon insignia in the shitter is an evil omen” run-around. Just move you assholes. Problem solved.
Q: Ben is played by Academy Award-winning Nat Foxan, and his older sister Kate is played by Dakota Johnson. Ben is the lovable, awkward man-child, and Kate is the uptight but quirky single mom “trying to make ends meet.” While on the surface this looks like a pretty typical setup, Ben will walk the line of getting under your skin and being endearing/funny perfectly - if you can keep your eyes off his mangled grill, that is.
B: “A streetwise lawyer born and raised in New Jersey joins a posh New York City law firm, where she must defend her clients while surviving her colleagues’ skepticism and her Italian family’s constant interruptions.” In other words, a paint-by-numbers drama full of over-the-top stereotypes. WHAT-A? YOU NO LOVE-A YA MOMMA’S SPICY MEAT-A-BALL NO MORE NOW YOU A BIG CITY GIRL? GABBAGOO!!!
B: The only upside this show offers is the offthe-charts awkwardness potential. Roommate comedies thrive off of tired odd couple tropes, so when it comes time for Ben and Kate to do, “the single mom gets laid” episode, having Ben say, “I can’t believe I had to hear you during sex last night, you cried harder than when dad spanked you,” will be fun for the whole family.
Q: Get over yourself. If people aren’t constantly reminded of stereotypes, how will we ever know when to judge one another? How will our kids know how to walk the line between “playing it by the book” and “getting their hands dirty once in a while”? A bully beats them up – do they give the perp a few cheap shots before turning him in? We need these shows, Brendan, not everyone can paint without numbers.
B: Ah, but Quinn, don’t you see that the producers are taking horror to a whole new level? Because this family leveraged all their assets to afford their Manhattan apartment, they can’t move without dealing with a citizen’s greatest fear: The IRS. Certainly this show is just an extended metaphor for the plight of the American homeowner in the post-recession real estate horrorscape.
The New Normal (FOX)
Chicago Fire (nbc)
B: Listen up, Hollywood. If your best idea for convincing closed-minded people in flyover states that two dudes getting hitched is okay is a shitty sitcom about a gay couple adopting a baby, we as a nation have much larger problems.
B: A show. About firefighters. In Chicago. Produced by Law & Order creator Dick Wolf, this show promises to have the firefighters discover a fire, threaten it without evidence, get frustrated, find a new fire, question it, only to find that it was the first fire’s fault the whole time right when there’s like, three minutes left in each episode. In 2015 prepare for spinoffs Chicago Fire: Lake Forest and Chicago Fire: Aurora.
Q: How else do you want them to represent this classic struggle? People in Hollywood are progressive and better looking, everyone else is backwards and old. If sitcoms aren’t the beacon of change in this country, then yes, we as a nation have much larger problems. I look forward to Digger & Greene the unlikely law partnership of the son of an Oil Baron and a UC Berkeley hippie.
Q: Did you want this to be about the Chicago Fire soccer team, or Mrs. O’Leary? It’s called ESPN, Brendan, and they air US Soccer matches at least twice a year. No, this procedural drama is about a bunch of sexy firefighters (modeled after real Chicago firefighters), putting out fires and taking their shirts off. GOOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL (in my pants).
Made in Jersey (CBS)
Just like the World Masturbation Championships, the fall TV schedule offers different strokes for different folks. With such a wide breadth of programming, it’s smarrt-- nay-- necessary to have qualified experts breaking down which new shows you should spend time watching this fall. Sadly, we don’t have any experts. Hell, we can barely afford pants. We do have two editors, though. So, we made Quinn and Brendan debate the merits of eight shows debuting this fall.
Malibu Country (abc)
Q: So this is just Reba right? They are trying to say it’s not, but the lead role is Reba McEntire playing “A mother of two kids, and a once country music sensation trying to get her foot back in the door.” Our only hope is that this show is very dark – Reba moves her family to Malibu, but fails to jumpstart her music career. She delves deep into depression and huffing computer dusters, only to accidentally microwave her youngest daughter in the season finale. B: God, then the second season opens up with Reba getting off on a technicality, only now she has a taste for blood. At night she roams the streets of Malibu, committing random acts of violence on unsuspecting rich couples. Thankfully, the Malibu PD have just the man for the case, a grizzled old cop (Jeff Foxworthy) who’s only days away from retirement. He’s following the trail of blood…and it’s on her hands.
The Mindy Project (FOX) Animal Practice (nbc) B: Ah, a show actually worthy of excitement. After years of seasoning on The Office, Mindy Kaling gets her opportunity to shine. Though The Office may be a shell of its former self, it’s the Bill Walsh of TV shows, spawning disciples that have created current great, Parks and Recreation. Kaling doesn’t rely on any crutches -- like her gender or ethnicity -- to be funny, so don’t expect any terrible CBS-quality jokes about how hard it is to have one’s period in a sari. Q: Kelly is annoying, and this seems to be the same character. A female OBGYN with a “unique persona” trying to navigate her personal and professional life? She’s a rom-com aficionado? Give Creed from The Office his own show. Please.
Q: As much as one would hate to see anything replace the current NBC lineup, this show might be decent. Whether or not it was the psychotic clusterfu*ck that was the closing ceremonies it aired after, the pilot seemed okay. We really like Justin Kirk (Andy from Weeds) and this show looks like that same character with a mix of Dr. House, but in a veterinary. B: Eh, the dialogue in this show is ruff-er than tree BARK!
Portland indie rockers Menomena are releasing a new album, Moms, on September 18th before kicking off a nationwide tour. Because they have moms, and we have moms, and you have moms, we thought it would be a wise decision to talk to them. But not about their moms, though. That stuff’s personal, man. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: When starting a new album, what mindset do you put yourself in? Justin Harris: We’ve never put ourselves in the mindset, like, we’re making a concept album. On Moms in particular, early on there was a theme, at least, and it gives us a chance to think about issues that you want to write about. But again, it’s not a concept album my any means. TBS: You guys often introduce new instruments into your music. Is that your attempt to create a specific sound you’re looking for, or just a challenge to yourself? Justin: A lot of the time it’s, “How do we make that sound?” TBS: Have you ever had an experience where it just didn’t work? Justin: Yeah, definitely. [Laughs] There might be a couple of times on this album where we’re not sure if it’ll work or not. TBS: There’s democracy behind your songwriting, when do you know you have a finished song? Justin: For us, it’s the person who started writing a song who decides when the song is done. For me, over the years I’ve become familiar with the process. When I start playing something, I see it getting better, and eventually I just knowing when it’s done. TBS: You guys go to great lengths to recreate how your album sounds live on stage. Why? Justin: I don’t know, we started off early on thinking that’s what you do. You create your music on stage. Sure, it won’t sound exactly the same, but it’s really important to make sure the signatures of the songs are recreated on stage. TBS: With all that stuff going on, how much practice gets into making sure you can perform without screwing something up? Justin: A lot. We spend a lot of individual time working on getting to that point. On one of our songs on the last album I was supposed to be able to play this sax part and this bass part while on stage. Then I handed over the sax part to someone else, but it turns out my body wasn’t prepared for it. I couldn’t do one without the other, because I had trained my body to do both. It was an interesting realization for me. TBS: So how do you strike the balance between doing all that and still having a sense of showmanship? Justin: It’s something I struggle with daily. There’s a big part of me that wishes I could just go up there and play my instruments, but there’s an element of showmanship that’s necessary in a live show. The more we play songs, the easier it is to incorporate that kind of stuff as part of the show. At the same time, it helps that we have a really animated drummer. [Laughs] TBS: What kind of music are you interested in that your fans wouldn’t assume you’re interested in? Justin: Man, I wish I could ask [band mate] Danny Siem, he listens to a much wider variety of music than I do. I went to the symphony last weekend with a friend of mine, and it got me thinking about symphonics. TBS: What would you consider your greatest athletic achievement? Justin: Hmm, it’s been many years. I pitched a no-hitter in high school.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
the perks of being a wallflower in theaters - 9/21 Based on the 1999 uber-emotional (albeit, spot-on) novel by Stephen Chbosky, Perks tells the tale of self-proclaimed wallflower Charlie (Logan Lerman), an incoming high school freshman. The first-person narrative takes us through his highs and lows of adolescence, from the freeing feeling of being infinite to his rocky pursuit of his friend's sister (Emma Watson). no doubt - push and shove in store - 9/25 Sure, Gwen Stefani has released two solo albums in the past decade that were so successful that that shit was bananas. But the group has a whole hasn't released an album since 2001's Rock Steady, and these Californians have been hard at work on their latest album since 2010. Push and Shove, their sixth studio album, features beat geniuses Diplo and Major Lazer. Check out "Settle Down" and "Push and Shove."
brickleberry 9/25 @ 10:30pm on comedyy central If you watched Tosh.0 last season, you know a thing or two about the new animated series from the disturbed yet hilarious mind of comedian Daniel Tosh. With celebrities galore doing the voiceovers of these national park forest rangers, we're looking forward to a new animated comedy that is one part Parks and Rec and one part South Park.
the classtime messing with mixies crossword Across
3) This dessert may get you falling. 5) UTI cure, sort of? 8) Bubbly Vitamin C. 9) A biblical reference. 10) Poor man’s mimosa. 11) Shaken, not stirred. 14) An odd mixture and a college staple. 16) A tool we all should have. 18) A borough of New York. 19) Readers of this magazine probably also enjoy these. 20) A punch with vino. 21) Very European, very trippy.
day without these. 6) A drink for The Dude. 7) Very muddled. 10) A fairly legitimate meal. 12) Drink this then shout “Slainte!” 13) Fun, but sandy. 15) If you like this, and getting caught in the rain. 17) Lindsay Lohan’s birthplace, and probably drink of choice.
1) Ichi... ni... san! 2) Katrina, that bitch. 4) It’s not Taco Tues-
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