Clemson issue4 final

Fall 2015

The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

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Issue 4

MEET THE STAFF CHIEF CAMPUS EDITOR Hannah Soblo

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

ADVERTISING MANAGER Harrison Miller

OWNER Atish Doshi

WRITERS Edith Allan John Bair Justin Campbell Quinn Riley

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

GUERRILLA MARKETING MANAGER Brandon Hurt

QUESTIONS? info@theblacksheeponline.com

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGERS Kristen Hegel

ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 312.224.8320 For Advertising: 608.712.0900 DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.

This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

Please drink...responsibly and legally.

FOLLOW US! @BLACKSHEEP_CLEM • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

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Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

WHAT MOVIE IS THIS SCENE FROM? The image below depicts an iconic scene from an iconic movie. What movie is it? If you think you know the answer, email Page4@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, we’ll mail you a prize!

BROBLEMATIC Anything bro that comes with long-term ramifications.

“His spring break face tattoo bet was broblematic, but at least he got a free case of Keystone out of it.”

WHICH 1-HIT WONDER IS THIS? Hey, look, it’s that guy who sang that song! What’s his name? Well, we know, do you? If you know the name of the 1-hit wonder from the 2000s pictured below, email us the correct answer at Page4@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, maybe we’ll send you a CD we have laying around our office.

VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS:

2 TRUTHS AND A LIE Can you spot the lie these video game icons are telling you? Think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com with your answer. We’ll send you that Duck Hunt dog’s head in a box.

I was created by lab assistant Dr. Bright.

My main weapon is the Mega Buster.

Proto Man is my older brother.

@BLACKSHEEP_CLEM

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

‘TWAS THE LAST NIGHT OF FINALS

Molly Ade wrote this

‘Twas the last night of finals, when all through the house not a roommate was stirring, they all had blacked out.

Their heads were all hung filled with looks of despair, they shouldn’t have each drank a fifth on a dare.

But to their misfortune they knew not myth from fact, It was 1 in the morning; they had not cleaned up their act.

In their poor failed attempts to clear their drunk heads, They blew up a bathtub and destroyed the kitchen instead.

Removed from the bar scene for over a week, their resolve to finish the study push was weak.

One shot to relax us, then back to the grind, they agreed as they threw back anything they could find.

But when the clock struck 2, Brent’s eyes lit up like a star, “Bare with me this might sound a little bizarre.

What’s the one foolproof project meant for no Joe Shmoe?

The most bad-ass vinegar baking soda volcano!”

But one turned to two, and two to sixteen, by 11 p.m. they were lip-syncing Queen.

In the midst of a “Bohemian Rhapsody” jam, roommate Keith wretched his face like he’d just eaten Spam.

In a flash they were off, grabbing paint, paper and wire, Constructing a mountain of the most hellish fires!

Paintbrushes were flying, science spewing about!

Each thrash of the paper was a miniature workout!

Their hair filled plaster, paint coating their eyes, the vinegary eruption flew up to the skies!

With time passing indefinitely and against all odds, their creation rivaled Mount Olympus, fit only for gods.

“Holy shit you drunk assholes look at the time, our last final project’s due tomorrow at nine!”

“That gives us only 10 hours,” they slurred in a fright, except roommate Matt, who wasn’t too bright.

“We can get an extension if we give a good reason, it is, after all, the gift-giving season.”

But try as they might the best lie they could conjure was their project was eaten by a three-headed monster.

Roommate Steve’s voice grew grave as he put down his cup, “We’ll pull out all the stops ‘til we’ve sobered us up: Now coffee! Now shower!

Now water, and bread!

On, vomit! On, laxatives!

On, ramen, and meds!

To the Dr. Phil website!

Parkour off the wall!

Now 5 mile run! 5 mile run!

5 mile run all!”

Their cheer and excitement was short-lived, as alas, they’d forgotten they were taking an anatomy class.

Letting out moans of sorrow, their heads again hung low, it was 4 in the morning, 4 hours to go.

At this point the mass calculations began, figuring out their highest possible grades was the plan.

“Aside from this project, we’ve aced everything we’ve done.

If we all take zero, we’ll finish the class with 61s.”

In that moment roommate Matt had his one intelligent revelation.

He ran through the room filled with elation.

“If we don’t do the project, we’ll all still prevail!

We just need a 60, we took it pass/fail!”

They whipped out 6 beer cans and shotgunned with delight, “Pass/fail classes to all, and to all a drunk night!”

5 Steps to Celebrate Your Last Final Quinn Riley wrote this

As the ominous days of finals roll around, the creative geniuses behind the scenes at The Black Sheep have been working diligently, late into the night, crafting a masterpiece. We have devised a go-to guide to help newly-liberated students celebrate the end of finals week, Clemson style. This go-to guide isn’t the proviso of a typical Friday night; we’re going to celebrate the culmination of those finals to the nines… or, rather, the yard lines.

Leave Your Final: It’s done! You either killed it or it killed you; who the hell cares? The fate of your measly grade is completely beside the point. What’s done is done and now Clemson is your oyster. Get the hell up out of your seat and make it rain all over the professor with that exam paper. Make a mad dash to the door with gleeful whooping and let it bang behind you to let your classmates know you’ve finished your last final and the time of your life has officially begun. Let the pounding of brews and the slinging of shots commence.

Retrieve a Cold One: You are on a mission, a quest to retrieve God’s greatest gift. Forget yoga or meditation, you must obtain the ultimate state of mind known as “holy fucking hammered.” Run home, bust open that fridge, and grab a cold one. The first step towards total victory is now yours. But the festivities have only just begun. Next, you’ll need to summon your inner Forrest Gump and keep on running: this time head towards the coveted, the famous, the incredible Death Valley.

Name:________________________________

Break In Wit’ Yo Bad Self: Breaking into Death Valley seems like a daunting task but rest assured, The Black Sheep will not be held responsible for any potential illegal action. Sometimes one can get into Memorial Stadium by simply walking in through one of several gates, frequently left open by the graces of good luck. However, if you find most gates closed, go left around the stadium to the upper deck turnstile and push yourself through. There’s a stairwell close to the West End Zone that will allow you to go all the way down to the ground floor. You can Date:_____________ even use the elevator if you’d like.

Identify the 50: At this point, you’re so overwhelmed by the invasive magic of Death Valley that your head is spinning with excitement and your hands are shaking with passion for Clemson football, as well as fear of being caught by the CUPD. Quickly locate the 50-yard line and become one with its magnetic field; prepare your selfie stick. Assume your stance on the line, take a deep breath in, and…

Shotgun Your Beer: Finally, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The sequence of events that all college students covet and honor; the shoving of a key through a can of beer, the finessed toss of it back to the mouth, and the violent chugging of all its glorious contents. Remember: the speed of chugging directly correlates to your future life success, as well as the likelihood of escaping arrest.

So The Black Library Sheep says unto you,Distractions the Clemson student who has just been liberated from a spiraling pit of stress, shotgun that damn beer and then get the hell out of there; you’ve earned it!

Finals

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Word List: CHATTYKATHYS TINYGIGGLES

COUGHING LOWMOANS

PHONERINGING FACEBOOK

SNORING SNAPCHAT

WORD SEARCH: LIBRARY DISTRACTIONS

the word bank!

CHATTYKATHYS COUGHING PHONERINGING SNORING TINYGIGGLES LOWMOANS FACEBOOK SNAPCHAT

BATHROOMBREAK SNACKTIME PORN FLUORESCENTBUZZ THEFTALARM PAANNOUNCEMENT SMOKEBREAK

THE TOP TEN

THINGS CLEMSON FRESHMEN WOULD DO IF LEFT ON CAMPUS OVER THE BREAK

ON THE STREETS

WHAT DO YOU MOST WANT TO GOBBLE? JUSTINE POLOMSKI, FRESHMAN “Humans, when they get annoyed with one another.”

Over Christmas break, the university forces freshmen to leave their dorms while upperclassmen are free to remain in their apartments. What would happen if freshmen had the same freedom? The Black Sheep fake researched it and came up with the top 10 things freshmen would do if left alone on campus over break.

REECE BALDWIN, FRESHMAN “Car horn.”

10.) Work Off the Freshman 15: After four months of increased food intake, freshmen will burn off their newly-gained 15 lbs in Fike. Because they won’t have to fight for machines, they can freely move between stations and properly balance their workout. They’ll be shaping that ass before their next class.

9.) Raid Chick-fil-A and Clemson Grill: After months of surviving the dining halls, they’ll jump the counters and steal frozen chicken nuggets and burgers to stockpile in their dorms. Upperclassmen will be forced to eat in Harcombe when they return in spring.

8.) Tear Down Johnstone: Johnstone isn’t exactly the building where freshmen guys like to stay. If left on campus over Christmas, they would demolish it by throwing their overpriced textbooks through the walls, while the frat guys chuck their least favorite pairs of Sperrys through each window. Hopefully they’ll avoid the asbestos.

7.) Have an Orgy in Death Valley: Before the semester starts, freshmen anticipate having all kinds of crazy sex. Then reality hits, and their hands become their best friends. Alone on campus with no supervision, freshmen will have the most epic orgy in Death Valley. They just need to remember to wear their helmets and pads.

6.) Break Into Sikes: Freshmen are the last students to register for classes. This means that they don’t get the ones they want, and everyone has to hear about it. But by breaking into Sikes they could get into cool classes, like woodcarving, and, come spring, give their GPA little boost for good measure.

5.) Form Their Own Greek Org: With upperclassmen Greeks gone, the rejected freshmen can form their own Greek organizations, rush, and haze themselves. They could create their own pledging guidelines and have misfit mixers. When upperclassmen return, freshmen will be waiting to ask, “Who do you know here?”

BEN HYDER, JUNIOR “A goblin.”

4.) Call Their Parents: Leaving the nest is scary, so freshmen need to be able to talk to their legal guardian every 30 minutes. With no fear of losing coolness points, freshmen would be able to respond with more than “You, too” when their mother says “I love you.”

3.) Play The Bells: The hearts of newbies are broken in various ways at Clemson. Sometimes their high school sweetheart cheats on them or they learn there’s no such thing as an “A” paper. In order to cope with all of the heartache, freshmen can play “Everybody Hurts” in the clock tower. Plus, yanking those ropes will help with the aforementioned 15 lbs.

2.) Wander Aimlessly: Even in December, freshmen still struggle with finding buildings and classes on campus. When the campus is full of other students, they can ask for help and get pointed in the right direction. If alone on campus, they would walk around lost with no sense of direction. Sort of like life.

1.) Nothing: Let’s be real, people. Most of us doing a whole lot of nothing over Christmas break. Freshmen are no different. If they stayed on campus, you could walk into any building and hear nothing but Netflix and eating. We’re all the same when there’s no class.

Justin Lee Campbell wrote this

07

THE GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

All Day, Everyday $3 Tequilla $6 Bottles of Champagne $10 Liquor Pitchers

WED: Wing Night 20 Beers on tap downstairs, 12 on tap upstairs!

Taco Tuesday! $5.49 for 2 Tacos + Chips $1 12oz Blue Moons

TUESDAY: Greeks Who Drink Trivia! $2 House Bourbon Drinks

THURSDAY

$3.56 Sushi Rolls Wine Night @ 8 $9.99 Wine Tasting

Burger and a Beer Night!

Trivia at 8pm! $3 House Liquor Drinks

$0.55 Tenders $1.75 PBR & Busch Light 16oz Beers

No More Overtime, Two Stories & Two Outdoor decks!

$3 Fireball Shots

Go Tigers!

SATURDAY

Saturday Flaturday: 2 Flatbread Pizzas & 4 Beers for $12.95 Live Music Select Saturdays

Mimosas on the Deck!

College Football on 20 HD TVs

Go Tigers!

SUNDAY

$10 Liquor Pitchers All Day Everyday

NFL Sunday Ticket - All the games on our 13 High Def TV’s!

NFL Sunday Ticket on 20 HD TVs

Meat & 3 til 9PM

MONDAY

$12.95 All You Can Eat Sushi

$1 PBR Happy Hour Monday Night Football Specials

Burger Mondays! $5.49 Burger & Fries

$2 House Vodka Drinks

TUESDAY

$3 Tequilla All Day Everyday

Pizza Night $5.75 Large 1 Topping Pizza Buckets of Bud Light $12.50

Taco Tuesday! $5.49 for 2 Tacos + Chips $1 12oz Blue Moons

Greeks Who Drink Trivia! $2 House Bourbon Drinks

WEDNESDAY

$6 Bottles of Champagne All Day Everyday

Wing Night 20 Beers on tap downstairs, 12 on tap upstairs!

Pizza & Wings! $10 Pizza $0.75 Wings $0.50 12oz PBR

Bingo at 8pm! $4 House Double Liquor Drinks

FRIDAY

Trivia at 7pm $6 Liquor Pitchers from 5-8pm

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THE GRID

PALMETTO’S Smokehouse & Oyster Bar

Everyday: $4.25 18oz Bud Lt. Happy Hour: Monday - Friday 4-8PM $2.75 Well Liquors $4.25 18oz Bud Light $3.75 Well Liquors Happy Hour: 4-8PM $2.75 Well Liquors

Happy Hour 5 - 7pm Mon - Fri (Clemson Palmettos)

$5.99 Bud Lt Pitchers during HH 5-7pm + Bar Food Specials

FRIDAY: 24 Wings and Pitcher of Bud Light for $17.95 DJ & Live Music Buy 6, Get 6 Wings 5PM-10PM

Wednesdays: Trivia @ 10pm!

LIVE MUSIC ON THURSDAYS BEFORE HOME GAMES

SPECIAL NIGHT

Go Tigers!

$6 House Liquor Pitchers from 4-8pm

THU.

DJ & Live Music

BBQ Social $21.50 Giant Magnum Mimosas $5.75 Bloody Mary Happy Hour: 4-8PM $2.75 Wells/$4.75 Bloodys

$3 House Liquor Drinks During HH 5-7pm + Bar Food Specials

24 Wings and Pitcher of Bud Light for $17.95 DJ & Live Music

Service, Service, Service

$1.50 PBR pints

FRI.

$4.25 18oz Bud Light $3.75 Well Liquors

Big Easy Brunch 10:30am -2pm feat $10 Bottomless Mimosas w/ food purchase.

Enjoy our special GAME DAY MENU during all home games

$0.50 Wings All Day (except gamedays) DJ & Live Music

Your Tigers Headquarters!

Open for Lunch, $10 Liquor Pitchers All Day Every Day, $1.50 PBR pints

SAT.

Open Sundays after homegames

Big Easy Brunch 10:30am - 2pm feat $10 Bottomless Mimosas w/ food purchase

NFL Sunday Ticket Try our “Clemson Goodnight” Pitchers

Stiffest drinks in town!

Where the Big Tigers Play..

Come watch every game at your favorite bar! 100” TV Biggest in town

SUN.

$1 Bud Lt Draught During HH 5-7pm + Bar Food Specials

$11.95 All You Can Eat Wings

MNF!

Adult Happy Meal: $6.50 for Burger, Fries & Beer

MON.

$5 House Liquor Pitchers During HH 5-7pm + Bar Food Specials

Karaoke Night! $5.99 Select Menu Items All Day

Bingo at 10pm!

50% Off Draft Beer from 4-8pm

TUES.

$3 House Wine... Daily!

Brew & Q BBQ Sandwich w/ domestic bottle only $7.99 (add fries for $2)

$1 Burger Night 5PM-10PM

Trivia at 10pm!

Wing Day: 1/2 lb of Wings Buy 1 Get 1

WED.

$4.25 18oz Bud Light $3.75 Well Liquors Happy Hour: 4-8PM $2.75 Well Liquors Tijuana Tuesday $2 House Tequila Drinks $1 Tacos $5 24oz Corona and Modelo $4 During Happy Hour 4-8PM $4.25 18oz Bud Light $3.75 Well Liquors Happy Hour: 4-8PM $2.75 Well Liquors

seven Times Pies Have Changed World History

Pies are a great dessert to include on your dining room table for your family’s Thanksgiving dinner. However, do you ever sit down and think, “What have pies every done for the earth besides feeding us little delectable slices of heaven?”

If you expect more out of a pastry dessert other than just tasting good, then keep reading!

Pies have actually done a great amount for the world, influencing some of the biggest moments in our history. Here are The Black Sheep’s favorite moments in history where it was “one small bite of pie, one giant gulp for mankind.” - Dana Clem

PECAN PIE WITH AN ALMOND BUTTER CRUST TOPPED WITH WHIPPED CREAM:

Sided with a small scoop of vanilla bean ice cream, this pie was Dallas’ favorite in the early 1960s. However, did you know that this pie actually changed history? While visiting the city, President John F. Kennedy had the delight of trying a slice. Amazed by its texture and depth of flavor, the pie haunted his dreams that night. The next morning, Kennedy demanded an, “Ur, ah, another slice of that ah, nutty delight,” to carry him through the rest of his day. Instead of interrupting the scheduled event, the Secret Service decided to incorporate a stop at Elm Street Pastries Shop into the parade’s route. The rest, as they say, is history.

BOSTON CRÈME PIE:

This pie, a very popular dessert in the United States, was first eaten following 1773’s Boston Tea Party. To finish the event, everyone gathered in a small tavern and had a Boston Crème Party where not only was the pie invented, but the Boston crème doughnut was as well. After hearing of the pie being created at an anti-British event, the Redcoats became livid – that pie was delicious, and they were celebrating it in the King’s shame? The pie scandal was what set off the British for the last time, starting the great American Revolution. As Paul Revere rode through the town on April 18, 1775, he hollered, “The British are coming, and also get me some pie!”

FRENCH PIE PASTRY WITH A CRÈME BRULE CENTER AND CROISSANT-TEXTURED CRUST:

A very specific pie, this favorite was created just for Marie Antoinette while she entertained in the Hameau de la Reine. She wanted something that said “I’m really fancy and I require a lot of effort in creating, yet I am still a pathetic simple pie…person.” The resulting pie stirred up much controversy; a rumor spread saying that, when Marie Antoinette was asked about the starvation issue in France, she took a bite out of her favorite pie and said, “Let them eat pie!” Several paintings depict Marie Antoinette eating this seconds before she was beheaded during the 1793 French Revolution.

CINNAMON APPLE PIE:

This classic apple pie recipe is the same one used by George Washington when he cut down his first apple tree. Made with sweet, fluffy crust, it is a little-known fact that American teen movie classic American Pie is an homage to George Washington’s love of putting his penis in pies. Few know that George Washington discovered this sexy tactic when Martha Washington was away from Mount Vernon, visiting her sister who lived twenty miles away, a three-day journey at the time. Later, he shared his screw-vention with his congregation of colleagues and was awarded the position of President of the United States of America.

What an icon George Washington is!

MOON PIE: The moon pie is one of the most well-known pies among the US government, particularly within the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. On the 1969 Apollo 11 mission, Neil Armstrong insisted on bringing thousands of these pies. Eating only eight on the way there, many of the ground crew questioned his judgment. However—as conspiracy hawks know all too well-after arriving on the moon, aliens surrounded the lander, stating Armstrong and Aldrin could never return to Earth. Neil Armstrong pulled out his thousands of pies and asked if he could make peace with the aliens – and it worked in delicious fashion.

COCONUT LEMON MERINGUE PIE:

This pie was actually invented as a torture method in Alcatraz Prison in San Francisco, California. The inmates were forced to eat this pie while viewing pictures of men committing crimes. This method, adapted from Anthony Burgess’ A Clockwork Orange, was meant to make inmates feel disgusting and nauseous whenever they thought of criminal endeavors. However, despite the inability for those flavors to ever go together in any context, the inmates loved the pie and invited their friends outside of the jail to commit crimes so they could later join them to eat the delicacy.

This is how ”The Rock” became one of the nation’s most notorious prisons, due to its popular pie recipe and desire to be an inmate. Al Capone, a famous mobster, only started his career in crime to gain access to this delightful coconut lemon meringue pie. The pie torture method was later discarded, being that it actually increased crime in the country. However, the recipe was anonymously sent into a local newspaper which was collecting dessert recipes. Ever since, the recipe has been a pie fan favorite.

BLUEBERRY PIE WITH A STRAWBERRY-AND-CYANIDE-INFUSED CRUST:

To celebrate the first Thanksgiving, both Native American and European immigrant parties gathered berries and combined their pastry knowledge to create a beautiful, tasty pie! Just like the smallpox-riddled blankets the Europeans later gave to the natives, this pie was a comfort for Native Americans at first, but was later discovered to be poisonous.

As history recalls, the red crust of the pie was meant to resemble “the desired blood shed the white people had in mind when first residing in America.” The pie ended up killing many natives, leading our white country to greatness. Some recipes for this particular pie call for Native American headdresses to be mixed into the filling, giving it that satisfying-yet-guilty-feeling-aboutthe-Trail-of-Tears-and-being-white-in-general taste. As of recent, the Washington Redskins have dubbed it their “official team pie.”

The modern recipes of this pie do not include the cyanide.

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO 5 ou

1. Presents: This motion-sensing video game console was a must-have present in 2006.

6. Songs: On the seventh day of Christmas what does one’s true love give them?

2. Movies: 1996’s Jingle All the Way features Sinbad and this action hero as they try to get their kids the hottest toy of the season.

7. Scary Stuff: This holiday monster is a staple of Germanic-speaking Alpine folklore.

3. Hanukkah: A traditional Hanukkah food, a latke, is a pancake made of this.

4. The North Pole: Though no longer there, the Magnetic North Pole most recently was positioned over this country.

5. Traditions: Viscum album, more commonly known as this, is often hung, with dire circumstances.

RYAN MERRITT

THE GUY YOU WANT TO KNOW AT WINGIN’ IT

8. Kwanzaa: What is the last date Kwanzaa is observed?

9. Literature: “The Adventure of the Blue Carbuncle” is a Christmas time story featuring this serial Englishman.

10. Food: This holiday food is meant to remind young children of the shepherds who visited Jesus.

Ryan’s Answers

Correct Answers

1.) Wii 2.) Sylvester Stallone 3.) Potato 4.) Greenland 5.) Mistletoe 6.) Geese a laying 7.) Krampus 8.) January 8th 9.) Sherlock Holmes 10.) Shepherd’s Pie

1.) Nintendo Wii 2.) Arnold Schwarzenegger 3.) Potato 4.) Canada 5.) Mistletoe 6.) Swans-a-Swimming 7.) Krampus 8.) January 1 9.) Sherlock Holmes 10.) Candy cane

THE BEST GLASS AND BODY PIERCINGS

IN CLEMSON

Follow us on Instagram | fb.com/ClemsonTheEdge 1393 Tiger Blvd. Suite #130 | (864) 653-4545

BOOZE REVIEW Kinky Vodka Grade: B-

The Black Sheep can get sexual too, and to prove that, this week’s booze review is for Kinky Vodka. This 90-proof plain Jane vodka boasts its “unmatched” mix-ability, which for most drinkers means it goes really well with Sprite. The real experiment over a night of drinking Kinky Vodka was to answer one question: How kinky will Kinky make you? Considering that within two days of drinking the whole bottle a lot of weird things were delivered to us via Amazon Prime, we’re going to say it stands up to its name.

Smells Like: Nothing, which is why 16-year-old girls put it in water bottles and bring it to high school with them and giggle at the word “kinky.” These girls later turn into the girl who you take home from the bar because she’s a freak, but never introduce to your mom.

Typical Drinkers: - Aforementioned 16-year-old girls.

- That guy that you’ve heard has fuzzy handcuffs back in his dorm room.

- That weird couple next door who makes way too much noise during their activities.

User Comments: - “After my first drink, I had agreed to ‘hang out’ with a couple I met on Tinder.”

- “By the fifth shot, I had a dominatrix outfit in my Amazon shopping cart.”

- “Halfway through the bottle I had finished 50 Shades of Grey and was ready for 50 more.”

You’ll like this if you like: Anything better than the most vanilla of sex. If missionary is your favorite position, this is too kinky for you.

Best described as an alcoholic drink superior to: That weird sex dream you had last night.

What the attractive, potential mate at the other end of the bar would say if he/she saw you drinking this: “Hey girl, I have some rope and a whip back at my place.”

We mixed it with: Sprite, an insatiable sexual drive and a weird feeling that you should go to church the next morning.

Janet Snakehole wrote this

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

MEDDLESOME CLASS MEMORY

BRAIN FOOD BROCCOLI

Your fellow students are sweating finals, but to you life’s but a game. Good thing that means finals are a game—a game with beer.

Broccoli is considered a brain food. Given you went to class fewer times this semester than there are letters in the veggie, you’re going to need all the brain power you can build. We’ll toss in another dome-drencher for good measure.

What You Need: A pack of 100 note cards, some markers, a textbook and a case of beer.

Number of Players: 2-5 Level of Intoxication: Failure is not an option, but taking a test while drunk is.

How to Play: -Prior to the game, split the pack into 2 decks of 50 cards. Number the cards of each deck 1-50.

-On one deck of 50 cards, write a topic, problem, or question on the front. Shuffle this deck.

-On the other deck of cards, write the corresponding answers (1-50) on the front of each card.

-Oh yeah, you should study first, too.

-Place the deck of 50 answers face-up, Jeopardy! –style.

-Rotating left, players then choose the top card from the deck of questions. This player has 1 minute to scan the set of face-up questions on the table. He or she then chooses what they believe to be the correct answer.

-The participant to the left of the person whose turn it is checks the back of the chosen answer to see if the player got the answer correct. If he or she is correct, the set is given to the player who guessed it correctly.

-A player who guesses correctly hands out 3 drinks. A player who guesses incorrectly takes 3 drinks.

-Incorrect answers are placed back on the table; incorrect questions go to the bottom of the deck.

-When a round ends, the player with the most correct answers hands out 10 drinks.

The Game Ends When: People start doing Sean Connery Trebek-isms each round.

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What You Need: Bag of frozen broccoli, bag of chopped walnuts, garlic, red pepper flakes, salt and pepper, oil Cook Time: 15 minute-study break.

Fatty Factor: You’d be surprised, walnuts go straight to your ass…and brain.

Let’s Get Baked: -Preheat your oven to 450 degrees. Remember, 450/45=10, which is going to come in handy during that remedial algebra final.

-Chop up your 6 cloves of garlic. Garlic keeps out vampires, according to your folklore professor.

- Toss broccoli, walnuts, 1tsp red pepper flakes, garlic and oil. Tossing something in a parabola, which is a part of a quadratic equation.

-Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Just like your professor’s hair, which you should compliment for extra brownie points.

-Place on a baking sheet. Don’t get baked before your final.

-Bake in oven for 8 minutes. 8 minutes is the same amount of time you’ll spend deciding between A and C. Sure, maybe you hate broccoli, but you’ll hate failing out of college even more.

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TOMBSTONE FOR YOUR GPA

YOU’VE CHOSE “C” 7 TIMES IN A ROW ON A MULTIPLE CHOICE FINAL Ok, yeah, so the capital of Malaysia is __1__ which is…C. Good, we’re cruising along here. Another 25 minutes or so, I’ll be out the door of __2__ and sipping on some __3__ on the long walk home.

But…oh shit. Another C? That’s…that’s, uh…one, two, three, four, five, six, seven Cs in a row. That is bad.

Maybe Professor __4__ did this on purpose, ya know? Keep us on our toes. I’ll just take a little peek-see-roo here at __5__’s answers to see if she has, say, similar answers. Nope, definitely not. She’s smart, too. She called out the ole’ bastard when he said some sexist shit about women and __6__. That took balls—or a __7__, whatever.

Deep breath. So for one question she has the Mesozoic era leading into the __8__, which I know is wrong. I studied that last night. But, uh, was that before or after I took a __9__ of __10__? No, no. I’m pretty sure it was before that. Well, like, __11__ % sure.

And how can she think the __12__ Mountains are located in __13__? Maybe Becky’s not as bright as I thought.

Hey, don’t blame her, self, if you would have spent a little more time taking notes and a little less time sucking down __14__ during __15__ at __16__ then maybe you wouldn’t be in this position.

Hey, speaking of drink specials, if I just get through the rest of this in the next 15 or so, I’ll be first in line for __17__ at __18__. “C” ya there, I guess! Hah, puns.

CLUE BANK 1) Your best guess for the capital of Malaysia 2) Campus building 3) Libation du jour 4)Professor you dislike 5) Favored classmate 6) Field of work 7) Euphemism for ladyparts 8) Important historical event 9) Method of drug consumption 10) Drug of choice 11) Number 12) Mountain range 13) State or country 14) Beer, liquor, or wine 15) Bar special night 16) Bar that hosts #15 17) Different bar special 18) Bar that hosts #17

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