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The Black Sheep

Fr ee ea ... l tin ike g me the at par on en go tal od gu fr ilt id of ay .

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 6, Issue 6 • 3/28/13 - 4/10/13

theblacksheeponline.com @black_sheep_wmu

prank war of the century "just getting started" Hannah Weyer wrote this

KALAMAZOO, MI. You wouldn’t know by looking at it, but the house shared by WMU juniors Wyatt Orr and Caleb Wieczorek and their two roommates is the field of battle for the “Prank War of the Century.” Behind closed doors rages a relentless clash of prank giants. So far, casualties have included a down comforter, a sofa, three romantic relationships, a job, countless homework assignments and the renters’ security deposit. And according to Orr, it’s “just getting started.” When asked how the steadily worsening conflict began, Orr laughed and shrugged. “[Wieczorek] left his computer open on his Facebook,” Orr said. “What did you expect me to do?” September 5, 2012, Caleb Wieczorek briefly left his computer open to his Facebook page while paying and chatting with the pizza delivery guy. Orr, who had been friends with Wieczorek since freshman year, took the opportunity to update his roommate’s status to: “OMG just bought Coldplay’s newest album!!!! They fuggin ROCK!” Wieczorek remembers the event with amusement. “My sister called that night to tell me off. I guess it was a pretty funny joke. Weak, but cute. Of course, I couldn’t let that stand. I retaliated.” What followed has been nearly seven months of titfor-tat pranking. Orr changed Wieczorek’s Facebook status, so Wieczorek texted obscene pictures to Orr during his political science class. Orr responded by replacing Wieczorek’s deodorant with molded cream cheese- Wieczorek gave Orr a caramel-covered onion for Halloween. Orr glued bang-snaps to the bottom of Wieczorek’s toilet seat, Wieczorek added hair bleach to Orr’s shampoo. “The first few months were pretty fun,” Wieczorek remembers. “Have you ever filled your friend’s hand with whipped cream while he slept and then tickled his nose? I mean, I know it sounds silly, but those first few months were kind of fun.” “Like being 8 again,” Orr said. “Oh, if only we could go

back to the time when I filled a garbage can with water and put it against Caleb’s door so when he opened it in the morning he got all wet. Those times were the best times.” Orr and Wieczorek’s roommates agree. “At first, we thought it was just this harmless little inside joke in the house,” said senior Jude Mazza. “Rick [Stavros] and I even helped Wyatt hide Caleb’s mattress and replace it with an inflatable pool one night before he brought his [now ex] boyfriend home. Now THAT was hilarious!” “But now…” Mazza shook his head. “Somewhere along the line,” junior Stavros said, “things went horribly wrong.” By all accounts, shit got real mid-February, during Valentine’s Day. “Maybe we should have set up some ground rules,” Wieczorek said, “but I think that would have killed the spontaneity a bit. Anyway, Kathy [Orr’s now exgirlfriend] didn’t think it would have such dire consequences.” While Orr filled one Sweetwater’s donut in a half dozen with mayonnaise on February 14th, Wieczorek conspired with Kathy Greenwood to convince his roommate that Greenwood was pregnant with his child. “She was awesome,” Wieczorek laughed. “Fake tears, prank pregnancy test, fake morning sickness, the works! Theater majors, man. They do not mess around.” “I didn’t stop driving until I hit Windsor,” Orr remembered bitterly. “And gas ain’t cheap. I missed an anthropology exam and everything. Also, Kathy freaked out and dumped me pretty hard.” “That whole ride back [to Kalamazoo] I could only think of one thing,” Orr added. “Vengeance.”

Top 10: Reasons to Support Same-Sex Marriage if only because your gay best friend's wedding is going to be a total blast.

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“He convinced me to go to Sindecuse with him to get tested for STDs,” said Wieczorek. “Used his buddy’s phone to tell me I had herpes. Dean [Erdman] dumped me when I told him. When the clinic called the next day to tell me I was clean, I just about killed Wyatt, dude.” Since then, the Prank War has leveled up several times with no end in sight. “Stop?” said Orr. “Are you kidding me? Caleb sent my mom a giant double-ended dildo for her birthday last week from me. I can’t just let that go unpunished!” “I’ll stop when he stops,” Wieczorek said. “He’s the one that started it!” Kalamazoo’s resident pranksters have tips for students this April Fool’s Day. “The secret is Gorilla Glue,” Orr said. “A few wellplaced dabs of that and hello, Baldy.”

“If you’re the only one in the house that drinks whiskey,” Wieczorek advised The Black Sheep, “do not keep it where the guy you cock-blocked can find it.” Said Orr, “If you have an odd phobia, like, for example, squirrels, keep that shit on the DL.” “It’s REALLY easy to set up a fake Gmail account and a disposable phone,” Wieczorek said. “If you can get your girl voice just right, you can trick your buddy into a fake relationship with a Canadian chick he met during spring break.” “If your roommate is gay, you can get a dude from Iowa you met in Myrtle Beach to give him the number to a disposable phone and trick him into a fake relationship,” said Orr. “Pro tip,” said Jude Mazza. “If your roommates are accidentally having phone sex with each other every other night, don’t get involved.” “Trust us,” Stavros added. “This is gonna be hilarious.”

what'’s inside

Who's Your Daddy?

are you smarter than

We take a look at television dads (who are still not as awesome as our dads).

Erica from Bilbo's knows what Brick Tamland loves… do you?

page 5

page 13


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Sexy Anagrams

A Weird Violin

! k e e W e h t f o c i P

Eagle Ninja Loom

Do you know who these celebrity hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

When it was all said and done, you'd think they were at a foam party.

Meet The Staff

(Want to become famous next week?)

campus manager Sarah Baldwin-Machesky

FILM MANAGER Justin Trautman

Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

editorial Manager Hannah Weyer

FILM TEAM Jade Lane, Caleb Wolfe Christian Scholten, Matt Terpstra

word of the week

Advertising Manager Daltyn Little Writers Erica Landry, Erica Brazelton Sara Czarnecki, Lillian Werbin

campus director Quinn Myers owner Atish Doshi

distribution manager Lee Lobello

Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com

social media manager Kim Kurzatkowski

Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 608-712-0900

pR Team Dilara Kumbasar, Kevin Simon, Adam Jayroe

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink... responsibly and legally.

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Digestimation:

The ballparking of an amount of food or drink consumed in order to exaggerate or downplay the total intake. “In Seth’s digestimation he downed 74 chicken wings, but the way Paul remembers it, Seth ate closer to 30.”


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beer, twinkies and the american way Sara Czarnecki wrote this Children, ex-children, and plus-size specialty stores all over our great nation cried a little when the news that the golden goodness that is Twinkie will no longer line the shelves of our 7-Elevens. We had been told they’d always be there, even after everything else is destroyed by atomic warfare, and the only other surviving food is that asshole cockroach under your brother’s corpse. We never thought we’d have to say goodbye. When Twinkies everywhere were snatched off the shelves by diabetics and dads everywhere, a little part of the American dream died that day. No more deep fried Twinkies. No more hope. What are we supposed to deep fry, God?! Cake?! Ugh, FINE. Nevertheless, the American people who missed feeling the unexplainable gut rut after consuming such a majestic goodie kept on. They kept on to find another type-2 diabetes causer. But it’s not the same. A deep-fried Oreo doesn’t quite fill that fatty pocket in our imaginations and stomachs like that deep-fried Twinkie. After the shocking news sank in and stopped being topical, roughly two days after the news broke, people were ready to let go of the hope of ever seeing the Twinkie again. But. GREAT PEOPLE OF AMERICA, AMBULANCE DRIVERS, DADS AND DIABETICS! WE GAVE UP TOO SOON! No one had ever thought that God could speak through a beer; especially such a glorious beer whose fans range from Marlboro Red-smoking hipsters, to old dirty men who spend their nights in titty-bars, to fancy girls who put olives in their beers. A big time-y bankruptcy judge allowed Dean Metropoulos, owner of award winning beer Pabst Blue Ribbon, to buy into Hostess with another buddy billionaire. Yes. PBR bought Twinkies. But more importantly, PBR bought a dream. Not a soul in the world thought that they would live to see this day: a beer that bars practically give away, teaming up with the world’s most notorious snack sold “2 for $2!” The Black Sheep loves cheap beer and even cheaper snacks, but we had one question: Is this real life? There’s a strong overlap between drinkers of PBR and eaters of Twinkies, so this might be the greatest company buyout to date.

The

Top 10

theblacksheeponline.com

reasons to support same-sex marriage

Americans are waiting with bated breath to hear how the Supreme Court rules on two landmark cases about same-sex marriage. Equal rights, historically, are only a matter of time, but to the 42% of Americans stuck in their ways, this can be uncomfortable. We’ve prepared a little bright side list to help you get used to the idea of gay people being human beings. 10.) You Know Gay People: If you know ten people, statistics show you probably know a gay person. And they haven’t converted you to their gayness because 1) no one can sway your raging hetero and 2) gayversion isn’t a fucking thing. See? No threat. 9.) Marriage is the Ultimate Misery: If you’re determined to hate homosexuals, you should still support gay marriage. Nothing is better than watching your greatest enemy gain 30 pounds and play that Barbie movie for the 80th time for their snot-nosed, screaming offspring. 8.) You’re Icked Out by Gay Sex: Nothing kills libido quite like a wedding ring. The surest way to make sure gay sex doesn’t happen in your neighborhood is to let them get married. 7.) Best. Weddings. Ever.: Someday, Dean is going to marry Aaron on top of a mountain, and there will be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs! And they will dance until the sun rises! And if you stay close-minded about it, you won’t be invited! 6.) Jesus Wants You To: Remember that thing Jesus said about gay marriage? No? Well, maybe you’ll remember that thing he said about loving everyone, no matter what. Yeah, that sounds familiar. 5.) You Don’t Want to Be a Hypocrite: If you want to follow holy books, you have to follow ALL of them, not just the stuff that suits you. Are you quoting Leviticus in your online arguments about gay marriage? If so, you’d better be unshaven, kosher, only wearing one kind of fabric, shunning unclean women, enslaving people, sacrificing animals and pelting crippled people with rocks.

Now mothers in Kool-Aid stained oversized knee-shirts can bring Twinkies home to her little heathens, AND a dirty ass 30 pack of PBR to her be-mulleted hubby. Now we young, drunk adults whose metabolisms have yet to give up can buy a pallet of PBR and a case of Twinkies to celebrate our graduations. No matter how classy you think you are with your fancy ass marketing degree, ain’t no one saying no to cheap fun like that.

4.) They Make Great Parents: Straight couples have this thing where they can accidentally make babies even if they don’t even want them. Gay couples can’t make babies. They have to go through different channels, all of which are difficult and expensive. That’s a level of commitment you won’t find on Teen Mom. When a same-sex couple has a kid, it’s because that leaky, screamy, stinky little human is wanted and loved. 3.) It Doesn’t Affect You: You know what Canada, Norway, Israel, New York, Sweden, Belgium, Brazil, Denmark, Maine, Mexico, Holland, Argentina and Washington fucking DC have in common? A distinct lack of divine judgment. 2.) Easier to Identify: Gay people are among you. You might recognize them by their humanoid features, their lack of demonic powers and their opinions about Michigan weather, but more often not. Married couples, though, are super easy to pick out of a crowd.

It seems so right that the red-white-and-bluest beer in the world now owns the sugary treats that helped make America so great (by which we mean enormous). It’s like watching poetry. This buyout isn’t just a miracle. It’s proof that no dream is too outrageous, no secret wish too unlikely, no fantasy too good to come true. Admit it, while you’re spaced out and the munchies set in, you’ve dreamt about how cool it would be if your favorite snack came in a beer flavor. And now, it possibly will! A PBR Twinkie? Where, when, how can we get them, and on a related note, where’s the Prilosec? PBR buying Hostess is the most convincing evidence of a benevolent God to date. We feel compelled to honor whichever deity loves us so by finding the nearest county fair (if they still exist) and sacrificing our waistlines by ingesting beer-battered deep-fried Twinkies until our hearts burst. With love. Get your jean shorts out and your monster truck cut-off T-shirt because baby, we ‘bout to do what Americans do best -- shove every delicious and unhealthy thing we can find in the deep fryer, then stuff it in our mouth holes! Pabst Blue Ribbon saved the day? No. Pabst Blue Ribbon saved the American way.

1.) It’s Going to Happen: Historically, freedom has always won out in America. We freed the slaves. We let women vote. We gave black Americans equal rights. We saved interracial marriage. Same-sex marriage is going to happen, and unless you start getting used to the idea of two consenting adults in love, in five years you’ll find yourself on the wrong side of history with the KKK.

@Black_Sheep_wmu wrote this


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Who’s Your Daddy? Sara Czarnecki wrote this Dads: the only sentient beings in the universe capable of matching Birkenstocks, faded Pistons crewnecks, and a frown that says “You’ve disappointed me, but I still love you.” Once upon a time, these Midwestern silver foxes were young, hip and cool enough to seduce our moms. But somewhere along the line they traded their good knees for football factoids, their hair for mastery of VCR technology, and their dreams for a royal blue Lions sweater they mistake for exactly what the wife wants them to wear to pick up the kids from softball practice.

From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

If aliens invaded right now, what would you do? “Head to the woods. Try to avoid any large concentrations of people and resource-rich areas… So I guess I’d head to Canada. Wait, it’s a hostile invasion, right?” -Bob, Senior

We love our dads, we really do, but it’s hard not to imagine what other dudes would be like as dads. Like Bill Nye -- would he be a cool dad, doing experiments all the time and blowing up crap he finds in the garage? Or would he be an annoying dad who pushes his career on his kids all the time? (Second one. Definitely the second one.) What about other famous dudes? Like these ones? John Goodman (NOTE: John Goodman from Roseanne, not John Goodman from The Big Lebowski.) Why: Dude, have you ever seen the show? John Goodman is a laid back neighborhood dad, and even though he would love nothing more than a divorce 5 days out of the week, he wears flannel way too well not to be a good father figure. He lets his kids be little assholes, which is fun. But when their assholery becomes too much, he knows how to lay down the law, which is solid parenting. Respect. Jimmy Carter Why: Because, wow, he’s still alive? That peanut farmer is 88 years old! Aside from being a super rich ex-president, he resembles Mr. Rogers (who might be too creepy to be a great dad, but he’s still an awesome neighbor). Papa Jimmy would be at your tee-ball games rooting for you, even when you strike out and decide that baseball isn’t your 6-year-old thing. Dennis Quaid Why: He warmed our generation’s hearts as a cool single dad in The Parent Trap to a weirdly un-cute ginger girl who later grew up to be a whore. But we think that Daddy Dennis still has a heart made of pure, uncut Colombian parenting -- he needs that nose candy to stay up all night listening to your whiny boyfriend dramas. Tim Allen Why: Two words: Tool Time. Tim Allen knows his shit. This is the kind of dad who walks into Menards like a king. He’s a simple carpenter who enjoys restoring old hotrods and hanging out with the weird neighbor who never lets anyone see his face. You can try, but it’s impossible to hate a dad whose favorite pastimes are making stuff out of wood, fixing stuff around the house, and having cars with flames painted on the side. Tom Hanks Why: We defy you to name one reason why not. Tom Hanks is the ultimate father. He believes in his children, even Chet, a white rapper moron every family can relate to. Daddy Tom can laugh at himself, rock a power mustache, and win all the awards for everything. And yet, he seems like he would drop whatever he’s doing to drive to your school and bring you the bagged lunch that you forgot at home.

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Bryan Cranston (NOTE: Malcolm in the Middle Cranston, not Breaking Bad Cranston.) Why: Everyone likes a hilarious dad (except for his children), and Papa Cranston is a total goofball. Whoever thinks driving a van with wood paneling is the height of swag deserves our respect. He endearingly tries to be a happening fella, but it always comes out as wacky and lame, which makes us love him all the more. He even still has the hots for his wife, though his children are walking proof of what a bad idea that is! THAT’S a family man. Plus, he’s very pro-walking around the house in underwear. We can relate.

“I would say ‘Hi,’ and just stare at them.” - Laura, Grad Student

Denzel Washington Why: Denzel Washington comes off like the type of father figure that would be super serious about lying, but would still give you a detailed life lesson type of story about why you shouldn’t fart in public. It really seems that every time the opportunity arises, he’d be ready to coach you through your problems and then tell you he’s proud of you. Daddy Denzel is a man of many life lessons. Paul Giamatti Why: He has negative sex appeal, which is great in a dad. Papi Giamatti is a dad who answers the front door in elastic waistband sweatpants and a stained wifebeater. He’d be the guy who always buys extra cookie dough from the neighborhood kids because he just can’t say no, which means there will never be a shortage of fresh cookies in his house. Of course, we at TBS have the greatest dads in the world and wouldn’t trade them for every single dad on this list. But it’s still fun to think about all the families we don’t see behind the scenes. Our favorite famous men are icked out talking about sex with their kids, don’t care if their football Sunday sweater has mustard on it, and no one wants to know why they spend hours in the shed out back yelling at things. You gotta love family men!

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theblacksheeponline.com

hipsterism: the death of a trend tbs staff wrote this It’s time that we laid the term “hipster” to rest. Its uses have stretched so far and so wide that it has lost all meaning. It started as a fashion trend, a hybrid of grunge and skate, but has now branched off into a scene of its own. From clothing to music, from drinking pleasures to smoking habits, the hipster movement has grown into a behemoth so large that it has become the new mainstream. It is another passing trend and nothing more. Once again, a generation’s struggle for nonconformity has conformed them all. Such are the tides of popular culture. With each rising wave that crashes upon the shore, new sea treasures are surfaced and scattered across the sands. A new craze begins, the tides recede, and more salty treasures are brought from the stream to the sea. It all started with a man sporting his hot new Wayfarer Ray Bans, a freshly trimmed mustache, and a hand-selected outfit from his local resale shop. On his side was a woman with a matching pair of shades, modeling a flowing grandma dress, rouge lips, and combat boots. They strutted out of the liquor store and onto the street hand in hand while sucking on buds and carrying a 30 pack of PBR. As they passed by, the people scoffed and stared, but secretly dug their musty, retro vibe. And so, millions of teens across the U.S. of A. started asking their mothers and fathers for hand-me-down wears, and the old vinyls that were kept in the attic. The fashion and music of the 80s and 90s were resurrected from their dingy and glittery tombs. As the record spun, the sounds of Billy Idol’s “Dancing With Myself” traveled through the headphones, and the pseudo-nonconformists of the past were born anew. Celebrity culture caught wind of revival, the disease spread, and the inflicted were given a name—hipsters. It’s funny to look back on all the trends of past decades and compare them to the qualities commonly identified with the hipster. With a vintage swag, a grunge attitude, and a “white trash” partiality to beer, the hipster is a conglomeration of multiple trends and styles. The name itself means a person who is “hip” with the latest trends and fashions. It is a word that encapsulates the quintessence of “being in the know,” which would seem paradoxical to the stereotypical attitudes carried by the scene’s followers. To its credit, the hipster movement, or hipsterism, has sprouted new mom and pop coffee shops across the nation and has been the saving grace for the starving musician. Thrift stores have enjoyed

the increase in business, and the charities which many non-profit resale shops help fund are extremely thankful. What began as a fashion trend has evolved into a persona and a lifestyle, both of which have been brought under much scrutiny due to their vaguely leftist doctrine and the pontificating ways in which those associated with the movement conduct themselves. Hipster has been associated with many negative connotations, some of which are justified. Anyone who makes a condescending remark about your preference for non-free trade coffee is so bigheaded that it makes their fedora look more like a yarmulke. But an asshole, whether it’s a jock, nerd, or a hipster, is still just an asshole. We mustn't let stereotypes guide our judgment. We all have at least a few “hipsteresque” qualities that cyclically come with being a part of a generation. Everyone holds their taste in music, fashion, and art to be the best that had ever been, but it is not what sets us apart from the rest. So knock it off with the elitist talk, and quit whining about your shallow, pointless grievances with the preferences of others. To quote Bomb the Music Industry: “the shit that you hate don’t make you special.” Just as the trends before it, the hipsters must come to an end. There were the greasers of the 50s, the hippies of the 60s, the disco jocks of the 70s, the new wavers of the 80s, and the grungers of the 90s. The hipsters’ days are numbered, and soon they too, like all the others, will melt under the beam of the limelight and join those before them behind the curtain.


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TV Shows That Need to Happen: Top Chef: Serial Killer Edition tbs staff wrote this Ever since the premiere of Survivor back in the year 2000, America has been obsessed with reality television. Within that genre, the competition subcategory has done particularly well. Shows like American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, and Project Runway have given talented individuals the chance to skyrocket to fame and fortune by simply getting a camera shoved in their face. But let's be honest, we're all getting a little bit bored with that. It's been 13 long years of the same old shit time after time. We need to spice things up. This is where Top Chef: Serial Killer Edition comes into play. We've all seen a reality cooking competition. Usually the best part about it is salivating over the palatably photogenic masterpiece possible only on TV. Well what if the best part became watching people risk their lives? Take Hell’s Kitchen sans delicious food in a battle royale-style gauntlet. The format goes like this: get ten professional cooks to compete on the show under the false pretense of competing for the chance to open up their own restaurant. Little do they know that one of the ten contestants is actually a bloodthirsty serial killer. Sounds great already, right? Well it gets better. The chefs arrive at a new, state-of-the-art kitchen with the best (and sharpest) cooking supplies known to man. We prepare them for a standard, timed cooking contest in which they're supposed to show off their skills. Just as that competition is about to start, the lights go out. As they're

stranded in the dark with nothing to defend themselves but their spatulas and assorted cutlery, the serial killer is unleashed. One by one, she murders off each of the contestants until only one remains. The audience watches through a special night vision lens, authentically capturing the fear of culinary artists thrown in a struggle for survival. Will they put their cleaverchopping skills to the gladiatorial test? Or will they cower in the face of danger? This is television at its finest. If the danger of a Hell’s Kitchen: Hunger Games (pun intentional) does not impress, then the world can at least ponder the gritty reactions of threatened human beings and revel in the whodunnit suspense when the lights come back on. Once the final contestant is facing the serial killer it becomes a showdown. Either the anxious chef kills the maniac or the maniac takes the victory. The victor collects the life insurance payout from each of the dead contestants. How is this possibly legal? We've forced each contestant to sign a conveniently dense 100-page contract with mostly nonsense information before the show, but it essentially signs over their entire life as well as any pets or children. If the novice chef defeats the serial killer, he or she will move on to the next show as the new serial killer. Like some horror movie plot twist, the trauma is sure to render them mentally unstable enough to doom others to a similar fate. At the end of the day, this show promises an enjoyable

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experience for every viewer. We'll laugh as the cooks wander helplessly in the dark; we'll cry as one chef gets down on his hands and knees and begs to cook another day; we'll swoon as two chefs band together as a team to defeat the serial killer, and we'll share a moment of silence as those two chefs die shortly after for foolishly drawing attention to their team effort. Television may be a field that is always changing, sometimes for better but often for worse. With this show we will restore faith in humanity and faith in a chef who is fit not only for the kitchen, but also for the chopping block.

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MON

$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3.00 Premium Pints $3.25 Super Premium Pints $2 Wells, $4.00 Dbl Wells Service Industry 1/2 Price on Everything w/ Pay Stub!

$1 PBR ALL DAY Pints $2.50 Wells $3 Manger Choice Shots (9pm-1am)

Closed

Monday Rocks at Pinz $2 Rolling Rock Bottles & Pints $5 for 2 hours Bowling 6p-2a

$3.00 Domestic Mugs $4.00 Premium Mugs, $0.50 Hot Wings and Boneless Wings

TUES

$3 Quarts Bilbo & Domestic $4 Premiums Qts. $4.25 Super Prem Qts. $3.75 Long Islands

Happy Hour 3-7pm $3 ANYTHING 9pm-1am

$1.00 Wells $6.99 nachos

College Night! $2 Games, Wells, and Domestic Bottle, $5 Pitchers DJ Stoz and Glow Bowl 9p-2a

SIN Night - 1/2 off $6.50 1 item Medium Pizza

WED

$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3 Premium Pints $3.25 Super Prem Pints $2.00 Well Drinks $4.00 Double Wells

Happy Hour 3-7pm, LIVE TRIVIA Starting at 8pm! $3 ALL Pints, $3 Jack and Captain, $3 Fire and Ice Shots

$5 Pitchers of Beer $5 Mixed Drink Pitchers $1 Tacos

Ladies Night! $1 Games, $2 Wine, $3 Cosmos for Ladies, $3 Micro Pints 6p-close For All

College Night NO COVER WITH WMU ID .50 cent drafts - $1.50 wells DJ Kane on Main DJ MT in the PIT

$2 Miller Lite Pints (midnight-close)


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page 11

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

are you smarter than? Erica, Bilbo's Bartender & Server

1) Cars: This part of the car allows a car to switch gears. _______________________________________________

6) Colors: What is the complementary color to purple? _______________________________________________

2) Dogs: Lassie was this type of dog. _______________________________________________

7) Math: If a car traveling 25mph rear-ends a car traveling 20mph, what is the speed of the impact?

3) Politics: The Fuhrer is most commonly cited as the head office of this defunct political group.

_______________________________________________

_______________________________________________

8) Geography: London is located on what river? _______________________________________________

4) The Human Body: The tarsus is a cluster of bones located in this human appendage. _______________________________________________

9) Holidays: What holiday is celebrated on the Sunday after the first full moon after the spring equinox?

5) Movies: In Anchorman, what does Brick Tamland love? _______________________________________________

_______________________________________________

1) Transmission) 2) Collie/Rough Collie 3) Nazis 4) Foot 5) Lamp 6) Yellow 7) 5mph 8) Thames 9) Easter 10) Kentucky Wildcats

correct answers

10) Sports: Who won the 2012 NCAA Men's Basketball Championship? _______________________________________________

the drinking game:

Spring Break vacation pictures All right, so the vacation of a lifetime is over and you’ve probably have a couple SD cards full of drunk babes on the beach, Broseph Stalin on the back patio roof drinking a forty, and the time you got so drunk you got your ears pierced and then had no recollection of said memory. If they haven’t been posted to Facebook yet, you should probably get on that right away because you can’t play this game if you don’t. What you’ll need: Lots of beer, hard liquor to take shots with, a laptop with access to internet and a Facebook account, Facebook friends who went on spring break How to play: First, make sure every person involved in the game has a beer. Next, go through the pictures one at a time. Every time you see the following, take the alcohol that correlates with it. Take a drink of beer for every picture: - At the beach - At the hotel - At a club - On the road - In someone’s butt

Take a shot for every picture: - On the beach with girls in bikinis - In the club dancing/grinding - Of someone on the roof - Of someone getting a tattoo or piercing they’ll regret - Of someone clearly about to get in serious shit - Of someone clearly on drugs - Of someone passed out - Of someone at the hospital

The Game Ends When: All the pictures have been viewed, you’re done, and definitely don’t have a boner. Chances are you’re going to make it to 13 and feel like a winner.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

erica's answers 1) Uh…. Traaans…mission? 2) A collie. 3) Wow, I have never even heard of that! I suck at political science! 4) The foot. 5) Lamp!

6) Blue? 7) The speed of car wreck, haha! I don’t know, 5mph, I think. 8) A European river. 9) Easter. 10) Duke? No… Kentucky?

erica's score: 7/10 correct

recipe for disaster: Cheesy Tots

Tater tots are like French fries’ fatter younger brother, man. But man, how did they get so fat when French fries are the ones covered in cheese, right man? Let’s try to remedy that situation and put the world back in the right place, man. What You’ll Need: A bag of frozen tater tots, a sleeve of Kraft singles, and a few extra places to pack the pounds. Cook Time: 30 minutes Fatty Factor: You’ll look like you’re carrying a tot in the ole’ belly. Let’s Get Baked: - Pre-heat the oven to 450 degrees - Place the frozen tater tots on a baking sheet. If a baking sheet is not available, then you have bigger problems, mister. - Once the oven is properly heated, place the tater tots in the oven for 20 minutes. - After 20 minutes remove the baking sheet from the oven, Place the Kraft singles on the tater tots. - Put the tater tots back in the oven for five minutes. - After the cheese is melted, enjoy. Ah, a starchy nothingness totally void of nutritional value. The communication major of food.

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com


y Welcome to z

find the answers at theblacksheep onilne.com/got

Game of

hrones

People complain

1 or 2

porn?

internet porn is re-wiring our generation's brain to not care about the story, but Game of Thrones is like, 60% story! And the other 40%, well, the other 40% gives us an excuse to watch two ladies goin’ at it on the big screen in the living room like the good lord intended. Can you recall which of these scenes is from GoT and which is from a porn you won't admit to having watched?

1) Shot from a voyeur’s perspective, a naked woman is

2) A man lays injured in his bed, when an attractive woman

3)

4) It’s a stormy night. A voluptuous redhead in a robe walks

5) A man is put in an awkward situation when his best friend’s

6) In a dark dungeon a woman confronts a man who is tied

thrusting reverse-cowboy on top of a man. The camera then zooms out to reveal the voyeur isn’t the viewer, but a man receiving oral from a shirtless woman while spying on the two people having sex.

The scene opens to a shirtless brunette girl in a seethrough dress straddling the lap of another woman. She asks the other woman if she has ever kissed another girl, to which she says no, it had never crossed her mind. The girl then strips off her see-through dress and begins taking the other girl’s clothes off. They kiss, get naked, and kiss some more.

sister enters his room. He’s not sure what to say, so he compliments her dress. She says she likes it too, but like it better “this way,” and proceeds to take her top off. He is awestruck, and fumbles around for his words as she reaches down his pants and kisses him all naked-like. When he’s too nervous to get it up, she asks if he’d like her brother to join in the fun.

7) In a steaming hot tub, a skinny shirtless brunette strad-

walks in to nurse his wounds. She inspects his body starting with his head, looking for any abrasions or swelling. She comes across some major swelling at his waist. She pulls down the sheets to reveal the source of the swelling, and decides the best way to alleviate the swelling is immediately, with her mouth.

into a war room, demanding to talk to the general alone. She starts with innocent conversation, but quickly moves to rubbing his loins. At first he denies her, saying he has a wife who he loves, but she eventually wins him over after dropping her robe to the ground. He proceeds to lay her out over the war table, knocking all the pieces off as he pounds away.

up to a post. The man is blindfolded and seems to have been down there for a while, but the woman shows no mercy and whips his bare chest. Though at first she seems to be his enemy, things quickly turn around as she begins rubbing her ass into his lap.

8) A man walks into his room to the surprise of two naked

dles the lap of a man with long blonde hair. The two are merely chatting about historical events, surely just sharing a tub. But soon the subject matter of the man’s conversation alone begins to make the girl climax, and the two engage in steamy hot tub sex.

women waiting for him. They say they’ll do anything he demands of them. He decides to tell them to start on each other, and sits back to watch the two girls perform oral on each other. Soon he decides to heat things up by having one girl spank the other. As he gets more excited, he tells one to use a belt on her while he watches, telling them to hit harder. Finally, he picks up a thick black post and watches as they scream (in pleasure?)

9) A well-dressed man sits in his fancy office awaiting word from one of his workers. In walks

10) Looking through a peephole, the camera shows many women running around naked, and

a blonde woman in a skimpy dress to “alert him of some pressing news.” He doesn’t care too much about the news though, especially after she props herself on top of his table and straddles him with her legs. Despite the impending news from his attendants, the two engage in a long, sexual adventure.

11)

A midget stands tall while receiving an intense blow job from a large-breasted redhead. Just before he finishes the two move over to the bed to take things up a notch, but they’re quickly interrupted when the midget’s brother busts into the room. The brother doesn’t seem to mind what he is witnessing, and proceeds to invite three more shirtless women to climb into the midget’s bed.

13)

Open scene to a room full of naked women. Two in the corner are boisterously going at it. A man wanders in, but instead of joining in, starts to direct them on what to do to each other, and how to do it. As he speaks to them, the two women twist into several different positions before climaxing.

15)

In the hull of a pirate ship, a maiden is at the mercy of her capturer(s). She insists she is uncertain of where her rich father’s treasures are, but offers to provide booty of a different kind. The men inquire as to what kind of booty she is talking about, and the woman says “a treasure her father values greater than all of his gold,” and drops her dress to the floor.

innocently undressing. Soon, however, the man looking through the peephole is caught by a naked woman when she lays her hand on his shoulder. Instead of scolding him, though, she pushes him to the ground and proceeds to have sex with him.

12)

A boy is visiting his friend when his friend’s mom walks in. She tells him his friend will be just a moment, and asks if he’d like anything while he waits. Before he responds, his friend’s mom is sitting very close to him on the couch with her arm gently resting on his lap. He nervously asks for something to drink, to which she takes her shirt off and starts undoing his pants.

14) Upon entering his chambers, a man finds the woman who was supposed to be watching over his children bare naked in his bed. He asks what’s going on, stating a person of her stature has no business being in his bed, let alone naked. She asserts that he not worry about paying her, Her supple beauty entrances him, however, and the two engage in… all sorts of sexual deeds.

16)

It’s a dark night in a candle-lit room. A giant man with bulging muscles lies in bed awaiting a small, pale skinned blonde. Just as he’s about to have his way with her, pushing her face into the pillows, she pushes him back into the bed and gets on top, dominating him for the rest of the scene.


one very long answer from

Alex Maas, Vocalist for The Black Angels This past week The Black Sheep was fortunate enough to sit down with Alex Maas, vocalist for Austin-based psych rock group The Black Angels. Normally we have a nice back-andforth conversation in which we ask questions and get answers. Sure, that happened, but the first question we asked Alex turned into a sprawling six-minute epic that deserves to stand on its own. Their new album, Indigo Meadow hits the world on April 2nd, followed by a national tour. If you like this answer, you’ll like them. Give ‘em a whirl. The Black Sheep: Psychedelic rock is a very specific subgenre. What attracted you to it in the first place? What led you to it? Alex Maas: I mean it was basically the music we were the most drawn to. The music we were most interested in came from the late-60s era, and obviously people have hinted at that sound ever since that era came to a close. The [13th Floor] Elevators kind of claimed to coin the term “psychedelic rock n’ roll,” they were the first to put those two things together. But psychedelic music has been around since the dawn of time, right? Think about a tribe of people in the forest, and shamans taking them on a journey, a story about many generations—educational stories that their fathers had learnt over the years. That’s it, the first spiritual story that you’re telling someone through music. That concept—the storytelling concept—is intriguing in itself, whether you put “psychedelic” on it or not really isn’t the point. The idea that people refer to it—the psychedelic scene—as psychedelic, to me it’s less about the music and more about how the music makes you feel. It’s the sonic alchemist approach that we’re doing, where we’re trying to make the guitar sound like something else. Like, “What is that? Is that a guitar, or is that a helicopter?” That’s really interesting to me. You can talk about this being experimental music, or whatever, but to me the root of it is rock n’ roll. It’s not bar rock. There’s a difference, you know, between that white bar rock kind of thing and psychedelic rock. One of the main differences is, the feeling musicians have on stage, and the listener gets when listening to the music, so it’s always been about the music being a spiritual thing for us. It’s a sonic journey we take someone on. If it’s a different night we’ll take you on the same journey, but in a slightly different way.

entertainment-y things to

The reason I think I’m drawn to it, basically, is I think it has a little more soul to it. That’s why I keep referencing indigenous tribes, both currently and in the past. They are telling stories with the music, that’s why I play the music. If [I’m seeing] any band is playing music, I like to think where I am in that scenario, where the music takes me, whether it’s the Balkan Mountains in the 1930s, or wherever.

For me, psychedelic music has this visual thing that happens, and it’s more a spiritual experience than anything. That’s not to say other music can’t be psychedelic, it can—delta blues can be psychedelic, that 1920s or 30s style blues, that twangy, swampy guitar sounds like a bumblebee coming. That can be psychedelic. It can be soulful and moving. It’s coming from this soulful spot. The music makes us feel, and that’s why we’re drawn to it. And at the end of the day the goal is to translate this visceral experience through sound.

the big three

Game of Thrones: Season 3 Premiere Sunday, March 31st at 9pm on HBO Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Need to know anything else?

keep your eye out for.

Rilo Kiley Rkives out april 2

Cold War kids Dear miss lonelyhearts out april 2

These indie rock cutie-pies led by all-around perfect Jenny Lewis broke up back in 2011, as the nation sighed an exasperated sigh. If these kids couldn't make it, who could? Luckily for us, their latest release, Rkives, is a compilation album of previously released rarities and unreleased material, and we'll take anything we can get. Check out "Let Me Back In" and sigh at how cute the music video is. Ah, love springs eternal!

Arguably, Cold War Kids peaked early with their phenomenal 2006 debut album Robbers & Cowards, but have since steadily declined in the quality and originality of their music. But we like to see the glass half-full around here, and keep holding onto hope that they'll surprise with some more awesome tunes. Youtube has a few album teasers, and they sound pretty good to us.


page 16

theblacksheeponline.com

Why college students belong in an old folks’ home tbs staff wrote this

Remember being a small kid and wanting so badly to go to Grandma and Grandpa’s because they let you do anything, AND they made you cookies? And then you got there and Grandma forgot you were coming and Grandpa fell asleep halfway through the visit? Remember how boring you thought they were? Well, wake up hot shot. Think back on your time as a college student. Think back on all those times you napped days on end, when prune juice was your go-to remedy for Hungry Howie's-induced constipation, or when you struggled climbing TheLibrary'sl staircase, as tired as grandma when she tried to climb to the attic. These “senior moments” sound eerily familiar, don’t they? And you thought you were nervous because you were turning into your father. Let’s scoot back another generation. Looks like you’re turning into your grandfather. You dare deny it? Let’s take a look. How’s your circadian rhythm? You don’t seem too in control of your sleep cycle. Watching TV, class, dinner, a Bronco football game, you name it and a college kid has slept through it. Just like your grandparents, great-grandparents, and probably your parents as well, your brain now just turns off randomly and you fall into a deep slumber from which not even the loudest roommate could wake you up. But how does this make you like your grandparents? Well, remember when you were watching the game with your grandpa and Calvin Johnson caught an 80yard touchdown, and you were yelling your head off, but your grandpa remained passed out in the chair next to you? Strike one, sport. Sleeping aside, memory seems to be a slippery slope for the college folk. You can’t remember what happened yesterday… or even earlier today.

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It seems the college student’s brain only makes room for short-term, exam information. More often than not this is a result of alcohol consumption and stress, but a fair amount of the time it’s not. Have you ever sat down with your friends in the middle of the week trying to piece together what you did the night before, even though all you did was do your homework and watch TV? On a side note, WMU should take this into account. If we can’t remember what we did yesterday how on earth are we supposed to remember to turn in assignments or go to class? Geez, President Dunn, get with the program. That being said, it’s hardly necessary to provide an example of your grandparents doing this because you probably came up with one on your own. Strike two.

Speaking of memory, when college students do remember something, it’s usually some nostalgic anecdote: “When I was a kid…” All right big guy, this is your last chance. This one you haven’t done, though because you’re really not that old. Oh wait, that 4th grader you saw last week looking at Facebook on her iPhone, you gave her a disgusted look and turned to your friend and said, “Kids these days are so pampered. When I was a kid we didn’t have phones or Facebook until at least late middle school.” Strike three, tiger; you’re out. So you belong in an old folks home. So what? At least you’re not losing your hair. Or maybe you are; that’s cool, too. Being an old fart isn’t all that bad. You get discounts at movies and restaurants. People think everything you do is adorable, too. So maybe it’s time to embrace your inner geezer, ditch the dorms, and check in to your local nursing home. Hell, it’s probably cheaper anyway.


the crossword: super mario world Across 1) Five Yoshi coins gets you a free this 3) BFF Dinosaur 5) The Forest of ________ 7) It’s-a me! 9) The flavor of the 3rd world 10) Dumb jocks 13) Lakitu flies on this and throws shit at you 15) The Princess of this fruit

16) To get to the Special World, you have to beat this world 17) Blargg will be found creeping in this hot, red mess 18) A caterpillar that’s yellow, until it gets mad Down 1) Brother from another plumber 2) Great Demon King Koopa 4) If you look at these guys, they won’t bother you 6) Bowsers minions 7) These are indestructible species of Piranha plants 8) Yellow and purple arch rival of Mario 10) The flavor of the world before Valley of Bowser 11) Getting a feather will give you this 12) This world has levels called “Tubular” and “Groovy” 14) Pokey is the guardian of this type of terrain

the madlib: April Fools’ day Dude, __1__ just left and I’ve been planning an April Fools’ Day prank that’ll have him shitting in his pants. It’ll be even better than last year, when we convinced him it would be a good idea to __2__ his __3__ to his __4__.

of __12__, but we’ll tell him he’s really eating __13__, which will totally freak him out. After, we’ll take him outside. When he starts getting handsy with strangers we’ll warn him that people are actually __14__, so he shouldn’t touch them. Finally, we’ll lead him to the roof of __15__, where the Okay, are you ready to hear this mind- plan comes to fruition. bending flash of genius? Here’s what we’re going to do: We’re going to make __5__ Once we’re on the roof we’ll let him know kill himself. I’ve been saving these __6__ we’re actually __16__ from __17__, and he’s hits of __7__ I picked up at the __8__ con- destined to save our planet from certain cert I attended last summer just for this oc- destruction. We’ll let him know the only casion. way he’ll be able to save us is by catching a __18__ __19__ that’s supposed to Here’s how we’re going to do it: First, we appear any minute. Just then, we’ll throw need to convince him that he’s actually a an inflatable water toy off the roof, scream 12-foot tall __9__ named __10__. Trust me, “It’s a __20__!” and see him plummet to __11__’s weird, so convincing him won’t be his death. too hard. Once he really starts to feel it, let the games begin. We’ll feed him a bunch It’s going to be so hilarious, man.

1) Name of a man 2) Verb 3) Body part 4) Different body part 5) Same name as 1 6) Number 7) Drug 8) Band or musician 9) Animal 10) Weird name 11) Same name as 1

12) Food 13) Gross item 14) Futuristic thing 15) Campus building 16) Mythical creature (plural) 17) Imaginary land 18) Color 19) Mythical creature 20) Same as 19


page 18

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Western Michigan - 3/28/2013 - Isssue 6