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31 Days of Celebrating Your Vagina Erica Brazelton wrote this In all of our excitement over St. Patrick’s Day, we almost forgot that it's also women's history month. Stop crying, we said “almost.” Below is your month long guide to celebrating your girl-pride. March 1: Take a self-defense class and learn to beat some ass. March 2: Meet Chris Brown in a dark alley and refer to the lessons you learned on Day 1. March 3: Thank your mom’s vagina for its brave contributions to your life. March 4: Lay off reading fashion magazines. Instead, make your own (Note: you will need a bulimic model and advanced Photoshop software) March 5: Write a letter to Kim Kardashian and inform her that she is an embarrassment to the female sex, and ask if there is any way she could kindly make herself scarce. March 6: Write a letter to Channing Tatum and kindly ask if you could tap that. March 7: Find a life-size cutout of Rush Limbaugh and throw birth control at it. March 8: Drop the words slut/ho/bitch from your vocabulary. Instead, use a great gender neutral alternative, like asshole or doucheturtle. March 9: Get a lap dance by a male stripper named Chocolate Rain. March 10: Write a rap song about yeast infections and perform it live for your gynecologist. March 11: Anytime you hear the word "vagina," do the Macarena like a boss. “No, Professor, I DON’T need to explain myself. I’m a boss.” March 12: Date a guy that isn’t embarrassed to buy you tampons. March 13: Buy yourself a Rabbit, but not the kind that hops. March 14: Read some books by the original gangstas of feminism, Betty Friedan, Gloria Steinem, Bell Hooks, and Simone de Beauvoir. March 15: Do charity for other people with vaginas. March 16: Stop being a mean girl, lest you get hit by a bus, Regina George-style. March 17: Play beer pong with female leprechauns. March 18: Vow to stop faking orgasms. If his magic wand isn't finding your pot of gold, he needs to find a new rainbow. March 19: Have a period party. Round up your girlfriends with similar cycles, dress in all red, grab some heating pads, pop some Midol and watch a sad movie. Get crazy. March 20: Burn your copy of Think Like a Man and He's Just Not That Into You while performing a ritualistic dance involving middle fingers.
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March 21: Next time you're in the club, make it rain with dental dams. March 22: Turn your Spanx into a slingshot, and send them back to the evil-ass company who sold you granny panties that cut off your oxygen supply. March 23: Stop calling yourself fat. No guy ever has ever turned down sex from a girl because she didn't have a thigh gap. March 24: Start owning up to your farts. Blaming it on the dog because you want to seem dainty is so 19th century. March 25: Swear off cosmetic surgery. Joan Rivers' face should be reason enough. March 26: Don't answer to "cat calls" from street harassers; they are sad people with tiny anatomy. March 27: Nominate Beyoncé for president 2016. March 28: Skip the bikini wax. Your ladyparts need a coat more than pain. March 29: Write to your state’s anti-abortion senator and tell them that you prefer not to have Republicans in your vagina. March 30: Listen to a Spice Girls song. Pretend you're the one that's married to David Beckham. March 31: Thank all the smart, brave, cool vaginas that came before you.
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