The Black Sheep
Fr ee ro ... li om ke ma dri te nk i 's Ba ng y ile o y's ur .
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Volume 6, Issue 5 • 3/14/13 - 3/26/13
Party Like a Champion Today Sara Czarnecki wrote this It’s easy to blow off any holiday that features nosy aunts asking “When are you graduating again?” or questioning your sexuality because it’s been several years since you brought a significant other to a family event. St. Patrick’s Day, unlike most other holidays, doesn’t involve your family at all. Binge drinking citizens of Kalamazoo are your family today. On most days waking up early is a death sentence. Normally, as you hear your alarm go off you try to smother the sun in a pillow. But when your alarm goes off on the morning of St. Patrick’s Day, you smile, because soon you know you’re going to be rocking a fat buzz before brunch. St. Patrick’s Day is the holiday that gives you the right to wear a shirt that tracks your alcoholism as you cross off the green beers you’ve bonged throughout the day. It’s where waking up at the ass-crack of dawn to a Guinness and bowl of Lucky Charms isn’t only acceptable, it’s a requirement. It doesn’t taste good, but dammit, it has to be done. After the breakfast of champions, we suggest drinking Guinness only when it’s time to eat. Substituting Guinness in place of actual meals really sets the tone for the day. It shows both the true enthusiasm for the holiday, along with the commitment to be as drunk as humanly possible. Between these sweet, delicious meals, stick to light beer and brown liquor, the bread and butter of the Irish liquor world; bland enough to consume en masse, but with enough of the good stuff to get the job done. SPD separates the boys from the men, and the chicks who can outdrink both of them. There’s going to be parts of your St. Patty’s Day that’ll feel like downers, and you’ll feel like going home to take a nap. DO NOT GO HOME AND TAKE A NAP. There are no quitters on such a glorious day. Pound down some Red Bull and realize you put on your party pants this morning (possibly backwards, but they’re still on). This is the holiday where the weak will get left behind. But as you get…uh…tired, lower expectations and beer goggles level up. There’s just something sexy about the way she takes her fourth Irish car bomb. What about day drinking says “sex appeal”? Absolutely nothing, but as long as you catch them before they piss themselves, you should be golden. There’s going to be wasted 8s making out with 4s, and 10s holding hands with 5s. It’s going to get weird. If
Top 10 Things to do with a Leprechaun
you’re championing through the day, random hook-ups are enviable, but a true St. Patrick’s Day champion will hit it and quit it. Get back to business, and that business is bonging green Bud Lights. St. Patrick’s Day isn’t only about getting belligerent, wearing shirts with naughty words on them, and staining your liver green; it’s about doing all the above to the extreme. It’s about
31 days of celebrating your vagina
But DO NOT get him wet after midnight!
This month is a great opportunity to try that Vag bedazzle kit you got as a joke.
finally giving a kiss to someone who is wearing a “Kiss Me I’m Irish” shirt, because you know deep down, no one ever says, “Yeah dude, this shirt totally got me laid!” It’s about not only successfully waking up in your own bed, but with a Jimmy John’s sub wrapper next to you as well. It’s about realizing you and the rest of the world will be shitting green for at least three days. Live it, love it, and start the count down for next year’s St. Patrick’s Day. Cheers.
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A contrarian stance taken by college males, denying their desire to ever marry. “Dude, I’m so anti-elope, I ain’t ever marrying no chicks.”
Things to do with a Leprechaun
10.) Go to the bar: Leprechauns are Irish, which means they have a superhuman capacity for alcohol. They are also very short, which means they’re very easy to underestimate. Take your leprechaun to the bar and win every team drinking game that pays out. Luck o’ the Irish, son! 9.) Fly a kite: Flying a kite is one of those things we forget we’re allowed to do whenever we want, and when we finally do, we remember why we don’t do it all the time. Tie your leprechaun to your kite and run really fast-- his leprechaun magic makes him very aerodynamic, and nothing is cuter than a ginger gnome in a green waistcoat screaming in an Irish accent for you to let him down. 8.) Take him to the mall: Make sure you hold his hand while crossing the parking lot and inside crowded stores. You don’t want him to get lost. When he wants to try something on, make sure you compliment him generously. And when his legs get tired, carry him to the car and let him take a nap while you drive. Hims is a sleepy man, neh? You had a big day, Dara O’Malley.
the black sheep FASHION CORNER: How to Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day Hannah Weyer wrote this Whether or not you’re Irish, St. Patrick’s Day requires you to wear traditional green garb. Are you freaking out and hyperventilating over how to wear your St. Patty’s best the best? Then you take clothing too seriously and should consult a shrink. If you’re merely mildly concerned, we’ve put together a handy little guide. DO: Wear dyed green underwear – it’s festive for ALL the traditional SPD rituals. DON’T: Wear stained green underwear. It causes more problems than it solves. DO: Wear green eye makeup that highlights your natural face shape. DON’T: Wear green lipstick that highlights your sluttiness around Hulks and Jolly Green Giants. DO: Pick the best shade of green to go with your natural skin tones. DON’T: Steal your roommate’s green blouse. You don’t know where it’s been. DO: Wear a leprechaun pin. DON’T: Wear leprechaun shoes. DO: Wear a cute green hat for the holiday. DON’T: Wear green bunny ears for the holiday. DO: Wear Celtic or Christian jewelry if you like. DON’T: Put spaghetti and meatballs on your head and claim to be the Flying Spaghetti Monster. DO: Paint green stripes on your cheeks. Sparkly if possible! DON’T: Cosplay the Wicked Witch of the West, sparkles or no. DO: Wear clothes that absorb nearly all light in the visible spectrum but reflect green. DON’T: Wear clothes that reflect all light in the visible spectrum, including green. DO: Playfully pinch your friends that don’t wear green. DON’T: Punch your friends until they have green bruises if they don’t wear green. DO: Wear green earrings. DON’T: Wear green nipple clamps. DO: Wear green hair bows. DON’T: Dye your hair green. DO: Kiss the Irish. DON’T: Let the Irish cook for you. DO: Wish everyone a Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
DON’T: Refuse to partake in the festivities because it’s too mainstream and therefore beneath you. DO: Drink plenty of green beer, green cocktails, green liqueur, green shots and green Kool-Aid. DON’T: Drink plenty of absinthe. DO: Coordinate outfits with your best friends so you’re all wearing the same thing (if you get drunk and lose each other, this will help strangers help you find them). DON’T: Coordinate outfits with your best friends so you’re all wearing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles costumes (if you all get drunk and pass out in public, this will ruin everyone’s childhood). DO: Celebrate Irish culture with trivia and drinking. DON’T: Tell everyone you see how inauthentic it is to wear green for St. Patrick’s Day, because any pleb could tell you both St. Patrick’s and Ireland’s national colors are officially sky blue. You’re a douchebag. DO: Sing Irish drinking songs. DON’T: Sing English drinking songs. DO: Eat green salad. DON’T: Eat green eggs and ham. DO: Keep function in mind when you dress for SPD. DON’T: Wear those shiny emerald six-inch stilettos and a green boa. DO: Get an adorable green clutch. DON’T: Spend too much green on it. DO: Wear green jewelry. DON’T: Wear a green leash. DO:Wear a fun and flirty emerald dress. DON’T: Wear a crushed velvet three piece emerald suit. DO: Have a plan to keep your hair vomit-free. DON’T: Wear your hair like that Scottish gal from Brave. DO: Drink enough to forget your middle name. DON’T: Drink enough to forget your middle name, your last name, where you live, whether or not you’re allergic to peanuts, your boyfriend, your homework and your pants. DO: Have fun, stay safe and celebrate whatever it is St Patrick’s Day celebrates – rainbows or something!
7.) Hit him: In Mexico, they kill leprechauns and dry them out as colorful party favors called piñatas because leprechauns’ insides are made of candy. But you don’t have to kill your new best friend for a Three Musketeers. Just hit him until it falls out of his nose. 6.) Clean your room: Housework is disappointingly unmagical. This St Patrick’s Day, capture a leprechaun, duct tape him to a skateboard and push him around your room while he eats garbage off the floor. Irish Roomba! 5.) Cook: One thing we always forget about Ireland until we’re already in the restaurant is that they have terrible food. Poor leprechaun! That’s his whole life! Take him into the kitchen and cook him something delicious. He will never forget your kindness. 4.) Take him to your exam: Wear your leprechaun like a necklace-- he’s the ultimate lucky charm! Also, little known fact: leprechauns have incredible knowledge of theoretical physics, so he can whisper the answers to you in an adorable Irish accent. 3.) Feed him pop: Leprechauns burp rainbows. Fill his stomach with carbonated water and watch the world become a little awesomer. 2.) Make a wish: He’ll try to tell you that leprechauns don’t grant wishes. He’ll tell you you’re thinking of genies. He’ll ask you to please stop rubbing his face, no, he’s not going to grant you wishes. But if you keep it up, he’ll get so annoyed that he’ll just throw gold at you to shut you up, and gold is almost as good as a fully functional Iron Man suit.
1.) Dance: Leprechauns are amazing dancers, partly because magic, partly because Irish and partly because those curly shoes pinch their toes and they have to hop around to distract from the pain. That’s why a leprechaun has never lost a dance competition. Ask him to teach you his ways and you’ll be the next Patrick Swayze.
@Black_Sheep_wmu wrote this
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31 Days of Celebrating Your Vagina Erica Brazelton wrote this In all of our excitement over St. Patrick’s Day, we almost forgot that it's also women's history month. Stop crying, we said “almost.” Below is your month long guide to celebrating your girl-pride. March 1: Take a self-defense class and learn to beat some ass. March 2: Meet Chris Brown in a dark alley and refer to the lessons you learned on Day 1. March 3: Thank your mom’s vagina for its brave contributions to your life. March 4: Lay off reading fashion magazines. Instead, make your own (Note: you will need a bulimic model and advanced Photoshop software) March 5: Write a letter to Kim Kardashian and inform her that she is an embarrassment to the female sex, and ask if there is any way she could kindly make herself scarce. March 6: Write a letter to Channing Tatum and kindly ask if you could tap that. March 7: Find a life-size cutout of Rush Limbaugh and throw birth control at it. March 8: Drop the words slut/ho/bitch from your vocabulary. Instead, use a great gender neutral alternative, like asshole or doucheturtle. March 9: Get a lap dance by a male stripper named Chocolate Rain. March 10: Write a rap song about yeast infections and perform it live for your gynecologist. March 11: Anytime you hear the word "vagina," do the Macarena like a boss. “No, Professor, I DON’T need to explain myself. I’m a boss.” March 12: Date a guy that isn’t embarrassed to buy you tampons. March 13: Buy yourself a Rabbit, but not the kind that hops. March 14: Read some books by the original gangstas of feminism, Betty Friedan, Gloria Steinem, Bell Hooks, and Simone de Beauvoir. March 15: Do charity for other people with vaginas. March 16: Stop being a mean girl, lest you get hit by a bus, Regina George-style. March 17: Play beer pong with female leprechauns. March 18: Vow to stop faking orgasms. If his magic wand isn't finding your pot of gold, he needs to find a new rainbow. March 19: Have a period party. Round up your girlfriends with similar cycles, dress in all red, grab some heating pads, pop some Midol and watch a sad movie. Get crazy. March 20: Burn your copy of Think Like a Man and He's Just Not That Into You while performing a ritualistic dance involving middle fingers.
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March 21: Next time you're in the club, make it rain with dental dams. March 22: Turn your Spanx into a slingshot, and send them back to the evil-ass company who sold you granny panties that cut off your oxygen supply. March 23: Stop calling yourself fat. No guy ever has ever turned down sex from a girl because she didn't have a thigh gap. March 24: Start owning up to your farts. Blaming it on the dog because you want to seem dainty is so 19th century. March 25: Swear off cosmetic surgery. Joan Rivers' face should be reason enough. March 26: Don't answer to "cat calls" from street harassers; they are sad people with tiny anatomy. March 27: Nominate Beyoncé for president 2016. March 28: Skip the bikini wax. Your ladyparts need a coat more than pain. March 29: Write to your state’s anti-abortion senator and tell them that you prefer not to have Republicans in your vagina. March 30: Listen to a Spice Girls song. Pretend you're the one that's married to David Beckham. March 31: Thank all the smart, brave, cool vaginas that came before you.
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The Patron Saint of WHAT?!
Sara Czarnecki wrote this So, funny story. St. Patrick isn’t the patron saint of drinking obscene amounts of green beer. He is merely the patron saint of Ireland. Boring. With keeping celebration of St. Patrick alive, it only seems right to make ourselves aware of the other patron saints who seem to go by the wayside (west).
saint for you! But if you’re a girl from the city, well, you’re damned to hell. St. Germaine Cousin grew up on a farm in France, where we assume she worked on a farm. Cool. Oddly enough, she is also the patron saint of poor people, young country girls, and (again) unattractive people. So, Oklahoma.
The Patron Saint of Unattractive People: Saint Drogo: Even that girl with the dead tooth has someone looking out for her. St. Drogo isn’t only the patron saint of unattractive people, but also holds the mighty title of Patron Saint Against Dumbness, coffee house owners, and cattle. St. Drogo became a hermit later on in his life, which begs the question -- how ugly is ugly? Like, dying alone ugly?
The Patron Saint of Gary, Indiana: Saint Matthias the Apostle: Not only did Matthias replace Judas after Judas, well, Judas-ed Jesus, but he also got the short straw in life. It must be such a high point being the patron saint of Gary, Indiana, a place known for a shit-ton of murders, strip clubs, and an unexplainably awful smell. The Patron Saint of the Internet: Saint Isidore of Seville: Wait, what? The Internet has a patron saint and football tailgating doesn’t? How can the Internet have St. Isidore looking after it when the Internet was invented hundreds of years after the birth and death of Isidore? Not only is St. Issy the patron saint of the Internet, he’s also the patron saint of computers. Not falling for it, Catholic Church. What’s next, the patron saint of Facebook?
The Patron Saint of Brewers: Saint Amand: Beer is good, but greatly brewed beer is better. We can respect a religious figure for admitting to his alcoholism through becoming the patron saint of brewers. St. Amand is also the patron saint of bartenders. So bartenders, when it’s 1:45 a.m. and people are acting a fool, pray to Amand, for he not only has your back, but has the back of Boy Scouts and hotel keepers. The Patron Saint of STDs: Saint Fiacre: If your herpes is acting up right before the weekend, pray to St. Fiacre on the way to the doctor. It’s possible the power of prayer is quicker than the waiting room at the Sindecuse. The Patron Saint of Rural Girls: Germaine Cousin: If you’re a girl from the rural parts of somewhere no one cares about, there’s a
The Patron Saint of Juvenile Delinquents: Saint Dominic Savios: Dominic Savios died at the age 10 and was made a saint. What have you done today? Being the patron saint of little assholes, Dominic is also the patron saint of choirboys. It is to our understanding that boys who are usually in choirs don’t fall in the “juvenile delinquent” category of life, but maybe life was different in 1847. We can definitely think of some good reasons choirboys would want to be hardasses.
The Patron Saint of Truck Drivers: Saint Christopher: You know that Black & Mild smoking trucker that eye-molests you at every rest stop you’ve ever been to? Yeah, somebody loves him, too. St. Christopher is the patron saint of truckers. Everyone needs someone on those lonely nights driving through the mountains, we guess? After this lesson in religious figures, we have but one question: is there a patron saint for poor-college students who make dumb decisions on the daily? Come on Vatican, give us some hope too!
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The Greatest resume Tbs staff wrote this
Your Mom’s House, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49501- Currently grounded from phone firstname.lastname@example.org ALEXANDER “VAG SLAYER” NILES Objective: My mom’s on my ass about getting a job and shit so this is my resume or whatever. I’m looking for a starting salary of six figures, but five is ok too if you’re a cheap ass lol. I’d like my workplace to be 420-friendly, and the babes should be plenty ;). I don’t really care what job I get as long as I can sit on my ass and toke up the ganja without my boss being a total dick. Work Experience Rappers on the Rise Club Founder – 1 semester - Acted as president for my university’s first club for amateur rappers in the neighborhood - Released several of my mix tapes ($traight Outta $uburbia, Enter The Vag Slayer, etc.) - Collected funding straight from the dean’s unattended pocket Brazzers Viral Marketing Intern/Fluffer – 2 weeks - Was jacking it one day and accidentally clicked on the “Jobs” page expecting something else - Responsible for posting porn videos on sites like Facebook, Twitter and Christian Mingle - Quit when Brazzers told me I was never legally working for them My Uncle Rick Personal Assistant/Salesman – last summer
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- Helped my Uncle Rick run his business when he moved in after his wife divorced him - Sold cigarettes, booze, weed and kidneys to kids - Continued running the business for about a week after his incarceration Target Bagger – 8 years - Exceled in commendable customer service to ensure consumer satisfaction when shopping - Developed a strong skillset that valued teamwork and cooperation with my superiors - I put food in a fucking bag for 8 years Personal Achievements Summer 2012: Made out with David’s ex David’s ex’s house Fall 2007: Got high for the first time John Mayer concert Christmas 2005: Scored an Xbox 360 Dad’s rat-infested apartment Education August 2012 (one semester was enough lol) B.S. in Political Violence Minor in Kiss My Assology University of Phoenix 0.8 / 4.0 GPA References References are available upon request or until my buddy Kyle gets out of jail. Love you brother.
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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
SATURDAY: After 9pm: HALF-PRICE DRINKS
SUNDAY 3/17: FREE BREAKFAST 8-10am $2 Pints & $3 Mugs of Green Beer $4.50 Car Bombs, $4.50 Lephrachaun Orgasm, $3.50 Jamison, $3.50 Guinness Pints, $3 Bud and Bud Lt. Aluminum Pints
LADIES NIGHT HALF-PRICE DRINKS
9 - Close $2.00 U CALL IT on Pints and Single Liquor Drinks $3 Bilbo & Domestic Quarts $5 Double Premiums
Celebrate St. Patrick's Weekend with us!
Friday and Saturday! Glow Bowl! $10 for 2 hours of Glow Bowl Flavor of the Week Pitcher Special 9p-2a
WED: College Night NO COVER WITH WMU ID .50 cent drafts - $1.50 wells DJ Kane on Main DJ MT in the PIT
Happy Hour 3-7pm, Progressive Bells and Wells, $4 Johnny Vegas Shots (8-1am)
$3 U-Call-Its ALL NIGHT
PBR Night! $6 Pitchers PBR and $3 Calls All Night Long
Late Night HH 9pm - 12am 1/2 off Apps and $3.00 Bud Light Pints $6.50 Medium Pizza
$1 PBR and High Life Bottles $4 Long Islands $3.50 Blue Magic Shots (9-1am)
Friday Night 3/15: DJ/MT, $1 Drafts Pre-St. Patty's Day Party!!
Glow Bowl! $10 for 2 hours of Glow Bowl Flavor of the Week Pitcher Special 9p-2a
Progressive Pints 3pm - 9pm $1.25 Domestic and $2.00 Leiny Pints 9pm - 12am $2.00 Domestic and $3.00 Leiny Pints DJ CREOLE playing in the PIT
After 9pm: HALF-PRICE DRINKS
Saturday 3/16: $3 U-Call it $2 Green Pints
Saturday 3/16: St. Patio Party! 7am - 11am: Lucky Charms Breakfast, $1.25 Pints Green Beer/ $3 Bud Light | 12am - 12pm: HALF OFF! | DJ 5-0 on the patio at Noon DJ/MT in the Club at 10pm w/ Guest DJ Kane
Glow Bowl! $10 for 2 hours of Glow Bowl Flavor of the Week Pitcher Special 9p-2a
$2.50 pints of Bud Light and Miller Lite until 7pm $3.00 U-Call-It 9pm - 12am $7.99 Large 1 item Pizza
Evening: $2 Well Drinks; $4 Double Wells
SUNDAY 3/17: FREE BREAKFAST 8-10am $2 Pints & $3 Mugs of Green Beer $4.50 Car Bombs, $4.50 Lephrachaun Orgasm, $3.50 Jamison, $3.50 Guinness Pints, $3 Bud and Bud Lt. Aluminum Pints
Sunday 3/17: St. Patricks Day! DJ 5-0 on the patio starting at Noon $5 Corn Beef and Cabbage, $2 22oz Green Beer, $3 Bud Light Aluminum Pints, $2 Shamrock Shots Tons of Giveaways!
1/2 off Drinks 8pm - Close
$12 Domestic Buckets $3.99 Build your own 1/2 pound Burger Bloody Mary Bar w/ over 25 items to choose
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Monday Rocks at Pinz $2 Rolling Rock Bottles & Pints $5 for 2 hours Bowling 6p-2a
$3.00 Domestic Mugs $4.00 Premium Mugs, $0.50 Hot Wings and Boneless Wings
$3 Quarts Bilbo & Domestic $4 Premiums Qts. $4.25 Super Prem Qts. $3.75 Long Islands
Happy Hour 3-7pm $3 ANYTHING 9pm-1am
$1.00 Wells $6.99 nachos
College Night! $2 Games, Wells, and Domestic Bottle, $5 Pitchers DJ Stoz and Glow Bowl 9p-2a
SIN Night - 1/2 off $6.50 1 item Medium Pizza
$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3 Premium Pints $3.25 Super Prem Pints $2.00 Well Drinks $4.00 Double Wells
Happy Hour 3-7pm, LIVE TRIVIA Starting at 8pm! $3 ALL Pints, $3 Jack and Captain, $3 Fire and Ice Shots
$5 Pitchers of Beer $5 Mixed Drink Pitchers $1 Tacos
Ladies Night! $1 Games, $2 Wine, $3 Cosmos for Ladies, $3 Micro Pints 6p-close For All
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are you smarter than? dave, a history major
1) Religion: Lao Tzu wrote the Tao Te Ching, the seminal work of this eastern religon. _____________________________________________________
6) Language: The Latin phrase, "In vino vertias" translates roughly into this. _____________________________________________________
2) Science Fiction: What alphabetically-themed ship does Luke Skywalker pilot in Star Wars: A New Hope? _____________________________________________________
7) The Human Body: A person's circadian rhythm mostly relates to this function.
3) Food: What well-known cereal is "Kid-tested, mother approved"? _____________________________________________________ 4) Literature: This House of the Seven Gables author also famously wrote about a woman with a letter on her chest. _____________________________________________________ 5) Astronomy: What planet in our solar system is most similar in size to Earth? _____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________ 8) Fashion: Famously icy Anna Wintour is the Editor-inChief of this monthly fashion mag. _____________________________________________________ 9) Geography: Which state in the continental United States has the lowest population density? _____________________________________________________ 10) Youth: Who is the leader of COBRA in the G.I. Joe universe? _____________________________________________________
1) Taoism 2) X-Wing 3) Kix 4) Nathaniel Hawthorne 5) Venus 6) "In wine, truth." 7) Sleep 8) Vogue 9) Wyoming 10) Cobra Commander
the drinking game: table horse
Sports are just an excuse to get hammered; you drink before the game and get plowed after to celebrate a win or ease the pain of a loss. March Madness is no different, but instead of just throwing back a few brews, practice your ball handling skills while getting a great pregame buzz. What You’ll Need: A plastic cup, a table, a ping pong ball and beer. Number of Players: Between 2 and 4. Level of Intoxication: A legit pregame buzz unless you have no game, then you’ll be wasted. How To Play: - Set the cup in the middle of the table. - Have a shoot-out to pick the order. - The winner of the shoot-out starts the game by shooting into the cup any way he or she wants. - Be creative with your shots—bounce them in, shoot them behind the back. If the first player misses their shot, they have to take a drink of their beer. - Once a player makes the cup, each player will have to match their shot. - Every player that misses while trying to mimic the shot receives a letter (H-O-R-S-E) and will have to chug for ten seconds. - After everyone tries to mimic the shot, the person next in line creates their own shot and play continues. The player that gets HORSE first has to beer bong a beer. The Game Ends When: Once a player gets HORSE. Then start it up again!
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dave's answers 1. I know it’s not Buddhism… Taoism 2. Oh, shit, I should really know this… X- Wing! 3.I have no clue. Probably not General Mills. Special K? 4. I don’t know. 5. Mars? 6. I should know this.
Something to do with victory, I assume? 7. Brain function? That’s not right. Is it like thought? Oh, dreams! 8. Is it a fashion magazine I would recognize? Vogue? 9. Kansas? 10. Cobra Commander. Who doesn't know that?
dave's score: 4.5/10 correct
S t. p A T R I C K' S D A Y Brought To You By The Guys Who Made The Hangover And Other Sweet College Partyin’ Movies In case you didn’t know, The Black Sheep dabbles in more than just print and porn. A few weeks back we had the opportunity to meet with a bigwig executive at a movie makin’ company. “This is our big shot,” we thought. We couldn’t blow it; we had to come up with an idea that no one could turn down. And what’s one movie that seems impossible to kill off? Star-studded ensemble holiday movies, of course! So we marched into that executive’s office ready to pitch The Black Sheep Presents: Star-Studded St. Patrick’s Day The Movie. Since this idea was so golden, so perfect, so mouth-wateringly fresh, we brought a tape-recorder so that we could send our pitch to other movie companies… just in case this guy was actually stupid enough to pass on the idea. The Black Sheep: Hi Mr. [redacted] nice to meet you! Are you ready to hear our pitch? Executive: I suppose, but let’s make it snappy. I’m eating sushi off of a naked woman in 20 minutes. The Black Sheep: No problemo! Okay, the scene opens on a lush green field on a quiet morning in southern Ireland – yes, Ireland. Then, out of nowhere, a stout little leprechaun -- played by Adam Sandler or Tracy Morgan, because, as an offensive racial stereotype would say, “a leprechaun ain’t black!?” -- runs across the screen with a HUGE bong in his hand. He turns back and yells “You’ll never get me POT of gold!” He’s being chased, but by whom? Drunk guys clad in St. Patrick’s Day gear – Sean William Scott and Ryan Reynolds. Then, freeze frame on Sean and Ryan diving after the leprechaun, (maybe they miss, and accidentally pull down a girl’s shirt instead, and there’s like, these huge tits on this huge screen, except the nipples are green, like St. Patrick’s Day! It doesn’t matter where the girl came from, we’ll figure that out in production. Titles SMASH into the screen, “Star-Studded St. Patrick’s Day, The Movie.” Executive: Okay, I like boobs on the opening scene – always an eye-catcher. Make them golden boobs, for St. Patrick’s Day. Otherwise, I don’t see where this is going, and my naked sushi is waiting. TBS: (flipping through pages and pages of loose paper) Okay, okay… Here! So basically, Ryan O’Toole (Ryan Reynolds) and Brady McDuff (Sean William Scott) are looking for the perfect solution to day drinking without falling asleep. In their search they run into a crazy German coke dealer (Kevin James), an uppity high school Adderall dealer (Andy Milonakis), a Scottish
butcher obsessed with “meaty bits,” that is, if we can get Mike Meyers, who tells them they must travel to Ireland – the land of drinking to find the “Irish Trifecta, the three-leaf clover of drinking.” Executive: Okay, this is starting to get better, but what’s going to make it stand out from all the other comedy romps out there? TBS: Well, Ryan and Brady finally find a secret book that spells out the Irish Trifecta – green beer, gold boobs (we winked at the executive upon saying this), and a very special strain of weed found on a marijuana farm that photosynthesizes from refracted light. “A rainbow!” say Brady and Ryan to each other, looking up from the ancient book. Executive: Amazing. TBS: (our voices gathering excitement) So Brady and Ryan have their work cut out for them. The conflict: Where do they find these three things? Well green beer is everywhere, and they start hilariously drinking too much of it – we’re thinking a montage of these two getting super hammered and dancing around Ireland, pulling down girls’ shirts to see if they have “golden boobs” – who wouldn’t watch that? It’s gold. So after that 20-minute montage, we’re thinking they finally realize “boobs” didn’t mean “breasts,” but rather the archaic English meaning of “dolts.” Sean and Ryan look at each other – half naked, covered in Goldschläger sitting in a pool of green beer in Colin Farrell’s Irish castle with 21 bare-boobed women – “That’s us!” they say. It’s a revelation! Colin Farrell looks up from a line of coke, “DUH DOY!!!!!” he says! Executive: Ok, I’m putting through word to get this into production right now. Do we have a screenplay? Actually never mind that, we’ve still got the broomstick that fell on a keyboard and wrote Hangover III on retainer from BroBible.com. But, how does it end!? TBS: Okay, so Brady and Ryan now have two parts of the Irish Trifecta – all they need is the pot at the end of the rainbow, but they can only get there via helicopter. Whose helicopter? EDDIE MURPHY’S! He’ll be playing a black Irish millionaire who loves to PARTY! Again, remember, Irishland doesn’t have a whole lot of black people, so him doing that accent will be really funny. Executive: Eddie Murphy’s awful expensive, boys.
TBS: Also, his helicopter will be blasting, “Party All the Time,” like that scene in Apocalypse Now. That’s like, double nostalgia. Executive: I GET IT! Uh, okay, wait. When did they find out where the rainbow weed was? TBS: …They just know… because… Ryan had a dream where he saw Vanilla Ice dressed as a leprechaun show him the field, so he like, knows what it looks like. Executive: … Works for me! TBS: Okay, so they get in Eddie Murphy’s helicopter and find the rainbow weed, but unfortunately Adam Sandler/Tracy Morgan leprechaun is guarding it. But we know you're short on time Mr. [redacted], so we’ll get to the end, just to prove we definitely haven’t not thought out the ending. This is where the chase from the beginning happens, and they chase the leprechaun into his layer. And what do they find there? Women, with golden boobs! “There really are golden boobs!” they say! And after talking to the leprechaun (who will say hilarious things like “Kiss me I’m stoned!” and “I’m higher than Tommy Pickles’ dad!” 90’s nostalgia is so “win” with kids these days!) they realize he can’t visit big Irish cities because he’ll get caught and sold as a leprechaun slave like his ancestors. Therefore, he’s been unable to obtain green beer and instead guards the two other constituents of the Irish Trifecta, waiting for the right two people to bring him green beer. But Ryan, Brady, and Eddie don’t have any green beer on them! So the four of them all get super stoned on rainbow weed – cue hilarious stoner montage – when they come up with a great idea: put the sad, dejected leprechaun on stilts and treat him like a human! They head to the nearest city, Dublin, and fuse the Irish Trifecta. A sick golden three-leaf clover rises above the bar and everyone goes crazy, but the leprechaun falls off his stilts… silence, shock, awe (are people going to capture him?)… no! Everyone keeps partying, treating him as an equal, not a novelty. So he buries his face in some golden boobs, and declares that everyone shall day drink without repercussions for all St. Patty’s Days to come! Executive: The end! I love it! and just got word that the broomstick has the first draft done already!
we interview: Pandora's boxx We had the opportunity to interview Pandora Boxx (of drag queen lore, not Greek mythology). You know her from multiple appearances on Ru Paul’s Drag Race, but she’s involved in a plethora of other projects. Check out PandoraBoxx.com for a peek into her bo… okay that’s enough. By Quinn TBS: How did you come to the name Pandora Boxx, besides the ol’ double entendre? PB: When I started I knew I had to pick a name, and I wanted to pick something fun and punny. I was in Greek mythology at the time, and I liked the story of Pandora and thought with a name like that you wouldn’t know what to expect. The Black Sheep: You’re a comedian, entertainer, musician – a Swiss army knife, basically – when did you start being an entertainer, and did drag go hand-in-hand with that? Pandora Boxx: I think that since I was a kid I’ve always been an actor… but I didn’t really know you could do drag, so when I got older and tried it I thought “Oh wow this is actually really fun, and you can kind of just do anything you want to do.” And that’s basically how I got started. I never thought of doing it as a career until much later. TBS: So did you treat it as a career while in college, or afterwards? PB: I had been interested in doing that all my life but never on stage. I’m always cracking jokes and telling funny stories, so I was kind of doing it, but not actually calling it stand up. I also hosted drag shows, which are a lot like standup because you have to talk to the audience and interact. But I guess I didn’t realize that was what I was actually doing until I went into stand up comedy. TBS: You’ve got The Gay (means happy) Show! and two pretty crazy music videos with chart-topping songs. What makes you want to keep branching into new things? PB: Since I was a kid I’ve always wanted to do music – you know, lip synching to Madonna songs in my room. And then I met some people through Drag Race and it started to become a reality. I just wanted to make fun music, because there really aren’t any comedy dance songs. But then you actually [make music videos] and you realize how much work goes into making everything – there’s a lot of money and a lot of time, it’s just this crazy process and I have a newfound respect for any artist that does any kind of music or album. TBS: The lack of comedic dance music is definitely a good point. Was your “Nice Car, Sorry About Your Penis,” a bit before it was a song? PB: Actually it wasn’t… I met this girl Shango who did the backup vocals on the song in San Francisco. We started talking about the song idea, that I wanted something Ke$hasounding because I think her style would fit mine -- I’m certainly no amazing singer, and I should stick to my realm. So she came back with the song, and we went back and forth in the writing process. I just thought it was funny, and I’ve never heard a song about that, even though it’s a common thing that people talk about.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
Girls Sunday, March 17th at 9pm on HBO
TBS: And then you have the Huffington Post blog -- do you treat it as a personal blog or a platform for a voice for LGBT? PB: Well, I haven’t really been amazing with my Huffington Post blog, because I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do with it. Like, I don’t want it to just be a personal blog, I want it to mean a little more. So I’ve been using it more as a personal story, because I realized on Drag Race when I talked about myself and how I was depressed as a kid and tried to commit suicide, I realized how many people that affected and how many people still talk about it… so hopefully by saying that it can change someone’s life who might be going through something similar. TBS: What other projects are you working on now? PB: I’m kind of at a point where I’m trying to figure out what the next thing to do is. Like do I work on another song or anything else. And one thing I’ve learned from Drag Race and being an entertainer full time, is that there’s a lot of stuff that starts but never finishes – because that’s just the nature of the business with working with people and their schedules. But I do have a short film called ExConfident that’s coming out, and I’m not sure where all the screenings will be for it, but we’re going through the film festival process and seeing if they’ll pick it up. And I’m doing a new web-series for Logotv.com called Drag Center, where I recap the episodes of Drag Race. TBS: And finally, what’s your perfect sandwich? PB: Hmm, food sandwich or sexual sandwich? I’ll say sexual sandwich.
Just when you were really starting to understand the intricacies of Hannah's barely-decipherable mind, Season 2 of Girls is coming to an end. In the season finale, Hannah (Lena Dunham) must write her voice-of-a-generation book in a single day, Marnie (Allison Williams) totally misinterprets her ex-boyfriends intentions (just get naked already), and Ray makes a move to impress quirky Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet). Don't worry, season 3 is already in the works.
Justin Timberlake - The 20/20 Experience out march 19th
After nearly seven years and a few legit acting gigs, Justin Timberlake is back with his third solo album, featuring the so-so single "Suit & Tie." Timberlake said he began working on the album with "no rules or end goal in mind," which sounds like a pretty sweet way to make a record. Try to check him out on tour with Jay-Z this summer, because who ever would've thought a former Mickey Mouse Club member and drug dealer would share a stage.
admission in theaters march 22nd
Tina Fey and Paul Rudd star in this rom-com about Portia Nathan (Fey), a Princeton admissions officer who makes a recruiting visit to an alternative high school overseen by her former college buddy John Pressman (Paul Rudd). Upon visiting the school, Pressman suggests that one of his wacky, gifted students is her son that she gave up via a secret adoption many years ago. Will this deep, dark, quirky secret drive them together? Only time will tell. (Also, yes it will.)
When Your Poop Turns Green: A St. Patrick’s Day Epilogue meg enter wrote this As always, you rocked the pants off St. Patrick’s Day. Not to mention the pants of of the horny leprechaun you picked up somewhere between barfing up a green, jizzum-like shot of some sort of alcohol and stealing a CATA bus stop sign. However, like any fervent and painful story of epic liver-damaging proportions, there’s always an aftermath, and, if it’s anything like the post-St. Patrick’s-Day-wrath served up by all those years before you were a super senior, a whole lotta shit will be involved in your St. Patty’s Day epilogue. While there’s presumably nothing wrong with letting out a solid fart next to your hook-up from the night before, this can become a most dangerous game. The possibility of sharting out a runny, emerald blumpkin presents itself with linearly increasing probability relative to the number of green beers consumed the night before. Everyone is well aware that if you don’t consume ten ounces of liquid green-gold for every time you see the words “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” adorned across some butterface’s breasts, you’re cursing the grave of St. Patrick himself. So, like the innovative conquistador you are, you sleuth your hungover self to the ass gasket before some snarky poo goblins waddle out your unprepared cornhole. Having successfully avoided the beginnings of an unintentional hot carl on the solid five lying to your left, you reach the toilet. Since your supple buttocks are already bare from the sloppy trip to pound town you took after that little charmer in your bed drunkenly asked you if you’d like to see her three leaf clover, you don’t have to factor in the ever-variable pant-dropping time. With the glory of a thousand demon penises up your archenemy’s nose, you experience a poo-phoria so sweet it can only be described as the assquake of the ages. You look down to see the longest, greenest chi-chi gong anyone has ever created. Pleased with yourself, you prepare to return to your sex cave as you feel another emerald storm a-brewin’ in your underbelly. All things considered, you decide to leave your agape anus hovering over the community pool. Without warning, a wild poop soup of mossy green stool projectiles out your bum hole with the fiery burn of the worst ass-piss known to mankind. As you examine what lies beneath you, you try to diagnose what variety of green-dyed Dub and liquor could have lead to this distinct breed of black-green that permeates your poo stew. Your heart runs wild with conflicting emotions, unsure of whether to be ashamed of the concoction you've avalanched out of your rectum, or to be proud that, as a result of binge drinking, you have finally produced the most naturally beautiful thing you will ever craft. You’ve been in the bathroom for a solid half-hour now, and that St. Patty sex partner has long gone,
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but it’s all moot, as you can sense round three lurking. So, like a good American, you keep your butt cheeks affixed to an already traumatized toilet seat. As a result of rushing to the water closet faster than you can say “asparagus loaf,” you forgot your essential pooping partner: your iPhone. You feel even colder and more alone, as you’re unable to ask Siri important, existential questions including “Oh, God, when will it end?” and instead have to resort to reading the shampoo label you’ve nearly memorized. While pistachio colored diarrhea continues to surge through your body for the next few days, you realize it’s merely the darkest before the dawn. And while you may be entirely foggy on the details, you take your days worth of green dumps as a sign of St. Patty’s Day success. Savor the feeling, the whole process only gets worse with age.
the crossword: Things that are green Across 2) St. Patty’s Day mascot. 5) Spanish for green (salsa). 6) Snooki loves to drink its juice. 8) The winner of this gets a green jacket. 9) No matter how many times you cut it, it always grows back. 12) An edible, mini tree. 14) Guacamole, essentially. 17) Normally paired with spinach and pita bread. 19) A minty McDonald’s
shake. 20) Jim Henson’s most famous creation. Down 1) Mad Christmas H8R. 2) She put this in the coconut, and drank them both up. 3) Not to be confused with a crocodile. 4) Ganja, baby. 7) The capital city in the Land of Oz. 10) Luke’s teacher, he was. 11) He can blow a bubble with his bum bum bum. 13) Prickly son of a bitch. 15) They are black, too. 16) Delicious when drizzled with ranch. 18) This city dyes their river green.
of separation think you know how aaron paul and brad pitt are connected?
email us at email@example.com and if you’re right, you’ll win a prize! how cool is that?
play st. patty's day bingo! Nudity
A Paddy Wagon
Drunk Old Man
A Beer bong
Green Eggs or ham
Dropkick Murphys Shirt
A Bags Game
A Drinking ticket
A Drunk asian
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