Western Michigan Fall Issue 3 - 9/20/12

The Black Sheep

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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 5, Issue 3 9/20/2012 - 10/4/2012

theblacksheeponline.com @black_sheep_wmu

The Black Sheep Guide to the Apocalypse:

Zombie Edition

Phil mccracken wrote this

The Black Sheep WMU has a mission for the rest of 2012: Prepare you, the innocent reader, for the upcoming apocalypse in every way we know how. But Googling butt porn and wearing mirror blouses may not be enough to save you. As Kalamazoo will soon echo with the howls of students and adults with no life, you may be asking yourself: How are you going to survive a Zombie Apocalypse?

Zombies vs. Humans Fall 2012 is more than just fun and games.

ZvH players know we stand on the edge of the Apocalypse.

This time, the stakes are higher. This time, it’s serious. This time, it’s on. Hardcore.

Are you ready to face down zombie hordes armed with nothing but what you find in your dorm room? Are you prepared to put down the people you once loved when they become mindless, famished monsters that hunger for your flesh? Can you live with yourself after the battle, knowing in the back of your mind that one wrong move and you could have been the slimy smear of blood and decomposed brain on the baseball bat? Of course not. That’s what we’re here for.

PREPARATION: Ask 10 people off the street how to prepare for a Zombie Apocalypse and you’ll get 20 different answers. We’re pumped.

We’re ready. But easy, trigger. You’re not as ready as you think you are. Do you have supplies all packed up in case you need to get out of your house immediately? A bike, for when you inevitably run out of gasoline and have to leave your car behind?

How about weapons? Are you in a position where if there was a zombie outbreak right this very second, you’re ready to go?

Go ahead. We’ll wait. While you’re scrambling around your place in a panicked attempt to throw together a sloppy gobag, prioritize your weapons. Guns will run out of ammo very quickly, and gun shop owners, who have been waiting for this moment their entire lives, will shoot on sight. You need blunt instruments. Bats, golf clubs, whatever is light enough not to tire you out during the battle, but effective enough to bash a in human skull. Form a party, playing to everyone’s skills set. If Marcia is an ace shooter, let her be in charge of the guns while Eric works the hockey stick and Tammy scavenges supplies.

And bring a Red Shirt dude. Always bring a Red Shirt dude.

And for God’s sake, find a way to keep your iPod running. You haven’t spent hours and hours compiling the perfect Zombie fighting playlist for nothing.

Is Your Roommate Trying to Kill You? If his name is Ted Bundy, then probably, yes.

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THE BATTLE: The smart survivors are going to spend most of their time on the run from ravenous creatures of doom. The awesome ones will be spending the end of the world reenacting Jackie Chan movies and trying to out-do each other in head counts. These people will die gloriously in a blaze of Molotov cocktails and improvised weaponry. Most of The Black Sheep will be joining them because that sounds more fun than anything we’ve ever done in our lives (including this one time in Hannah’s basement, but that’s a whole ‘nother ballgame). But if you’re too special to die the most epic of deaths (you’re not), then run. Run as fast as your cowardly little feet can take you. Try to get as far north as possible, where the cold will slow down the zombies' metabolism so you only have to deal with sluggish walkers.

You can quickly deal with those using a bat.

When zombies start being polite to you, you’ve hit Canada.

They are known for their healing wizardry, so chances are they’ve just worked out a cure and you’re probably safe. Go ahead and put your clothes back on if you took them off.

what’s inside

THE AFTERMATH: If you survived the Zombie Apocalypse, we congratulate you.

It takes an incredible inner strength to face down the hordes and untold hordes of undead creatures screaming to chew your brain. Also, kudos on shooting your requisite-backgroundhistory love interest right in the face. That must have been tough. But it’s worth it now that you’re one of the only 600 people in America who survived! That means you get your pick of everything! That means you can go live in Bill Murray’s house if you want! (Unless he survived. He probably survived, the squirrelly bastard.) Now all you have to do is find a working car that will… that will take you… to… to Hollw- oh my God, what is that smell? It’s like if a chain smoking horse ate congealed zombie slime and threw it up on your face! What is that- wait, sh! Did you hear that? Like a faint humming, or maybe a buzzing? Oh, shi- dude, don’t look now, but there’s a group of cadaver-eating insects crawling up your- NO, DON’T TRY TO KICK THEM oh God oh God, get them off! Get them off me! Ew ew ew, that’s so fucking gross! I HATE this end of the world!

Chasing Tail

College Procrastination Reaches New Heights

It's high season for outdoor beer drinkin'. Let's do it right.

Note: Don't forget to put something here.

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Rally Rye Hip Nip

Do you know who these celebrity hotties are?

Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

Uhh...does anyone else notice someone drowning in the hottub?

(Want to be humiliated next week? Awesome.)

Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

word of the week Bravadon’t:

An act of heroism meant to impress, resulting in embarrassing failure for the person in question.

“Patrick’s had an act of bravadon’t when he broke his leg by jumping off of the roof.”

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The Top ten

theblacksheeponline.com

Is your roommate trying to kill you? hannah weyer wrote this Three weeks into school, you’ve probably met your roommate. Maybe you’ve gone partying with them, or copied their homework. Maybe you’ve stayed up until 3 a.m. watching infomercials with them. Maybe you’ve only passed them on the way to the bathroom. But you know them.

So many kids are moving into haunted dorm rooms, and know nothing about how to handle their ghosts. Well, we at The Black Sheep have compiled a list of remedies for your demon-haunted dorm room!

10) Fresh Flowers: Nothing puts off a vengeful spirit of the damned quite like colorful, fragrant flowers. Put them in a large vase with a teaspoon of sugar and a splash of vodka to keep them fresh! Your ghost might try to destroy them remain calm. Ghosts are known for being attention whores.

Just happily re-arrange the flowers while loudly humming if it they get thrown to the ground.

Do you really, though?

One of the most important things to know about your roommate is whether or not they plan to kill you. And unfortunately, 8 out of 10 college students can never be sure whether that bleach is really for cleaning the bathroom or perhaps to cleanse the shower walls of your blood…

9) Air Freshener: You may have noticed that your dorm room smells like the freshman who was murder-raped in your bed never left. In fact, the hand the police never recovered might be hidden in the ceiling tiles right now. Advanced decomposition is a pretty unpleasant smell, so put out a bowl of potpourri or a Glade air freshener! That’s what they’re made for!

Ask yourself these questions, the answers may surprise you, and save your life.

Have you pissed off your roommate yet?

“Did you know Hitler loved children?”

In a month, half of all Western roommates will have already pissed off their other half at least once. And once is all it takes. Maybe you stole the last slice of pizza. Maybe you got something sticky on their bed. Maybe you slept with their girlfriend while they “slept” on the lower bunk. No matter how small the offense, it’s sometimes enough to throw a true psycho off the edge. Six freshmen a year die because they snore too loud… you’d be surprised what can drive a man to insanity.

“What do you suppose human flesh tastes like?”

“Seriously, dude, that was my last Pepsi! What the fuck?”

“Could you hold this hot, ticking box for a minute while I run to the bathroom?”

“Well, are you going to buy me another pack?”

Does your roommate get you drunk?

On a scale of 1-10, how weird is your roommate?

This is very dangerous and delicate territory. On the one hand, you like being drunk. On the other hand, you don’t trust that shifty eyed shampoo thief. But if you’re tempted to swig that Everclear with them until you forget your middle name, remember: that is not your friend. They hate you. Do not give them the opportunity to overpower you.

So be sure to make long, interrogative eye contact before every shot.

The modern serial killer is very hard to predict. But you know that, because your roommate watches every Criminal Minds episode with a legal pad and pen and excitedly tells you how the bad guy screwed up, and what he should have done instead of taunt the police. But the 1-10 Weirdness Scale is very comprehensive. Body bags, rope, and bleach might put you up to a 6ish on the Weirdness Scale, for example.

Does your roommate watch you sleep?

Have you asked if your roommate wants to kill you?

Have you ever waken up in the middle of the night, uneasy?

Your room is not haunted, stupid. Your roommate is just watching you, perhaps drawing diagrams of the choicest meats on your body or chanting the Necronomicon under their breath. Pretend you have to go to the bathroom, lock the door and sleep in the shower…

If you don’t ask, you’ll never know until it’s too late. If you ask your roommate if they want to kill you and they laugh quietly to themselves and walk away, the answer is yes. If they smile slowly and say “No” without blinking, the answer is yes. If they say yes, try to give them props for honesty as they smother you with your own pillow.

Does your roommate ask weird questions?

Your roommate is not your friend. Your only friend is the pepper spray under your pillow, and maybe Jim from down the hall who shares his Netflix account with the floor. If your roommate is plotting your grisly murder, your best defense is either blunt force trauma or acting even more insane than your bat-shit crazy bunk buddy. Make them suspicious of you, and we’ll have what we in the killin’ biz call a good ole Mexican Standoff.

Questions like “Dude, wanna see how many ping pong balls I can fit in my mouth?” or “You mind giving me and Sandra the room tonight?” are normal. But if your roommate has ever asked you the following, you need to start sleeping with a bat.

“Where do we go when we die?”

“Did you drink my last Pepsi?”

Ways to decorate your haunted dorm room

NOTE: If you are trying to kill your roommate, refer to 2011 blockbuster hit The Roommate. It’s basically a how-to video.

8) Inspirational/Funny Posters: If there’s one thing a violent ghost hates besides being dead, it’s your happiness. Instead of panicking the first time you see a message scrawled in blood on your bathroom mirror, try hanging up pictures of puppies in Christmas hats. It’s the cutest way to assert your dominance.

7) Keep Your Windows Open: The Venetian blinds in the Western dorms are not exactly the most cheerful of trappings, so unless you’d like to invest in a set of pretty, floaty curtains, your best bet is to keep the windows open and let in as much natural lighting as possible.

6) Mood Music: Poltergeists like the sound of dread. You do not. When the spirits start whispering “Blood…blood… blood…” in your ear at night, break out your iPod speakers.

Ukulele music is particularly cheerful, but nothing is as effective as Nickelback. Not even ghosts like Nickelback.

5) Get Rid Of Dangerous Items: You might be confident that your poltergeist won’t stab you in the eye with your scissors, but why even take the chance?

4) Feng Shui: Try to get a good feel of the room. Find out what feels natural and right for you, your furniture and your ghost. Then fuck it up so your ghost feels scared and unwelcome.

3) Religious Stuff: When flowers and feng shui fail, you might have to resort to Jesusing your dorm up. It works in all the movies about ghosts. See if Kanley Chapel has holy water to spare and hang a fancy Jesus stick above your bed.

(NOTE: If a sudden gust of wind knocks your Jesus stick upside down, GTFO.) If potential new friends show hesitation at seeing all your religious décor, just assure them you only have that stuff because a violent murder-rape ghost is haunting your dorm, they’ll understand!

2) Message Boards: Over the course of your haunting, you will have to communicate with your roommate if one of you is out. One could argue that texting has eliminated the need for dry erase boards, but it’s still comforting to see “@ Choir, plz ignore bloodstain on sheets (ghost is particularly pissed).

C U @ 7!” written on your door.

1) Stick To Newer Paintings: If you feel compelled to hang art up in your dorm room, particularly portraits, stick to paintings that were created within the last decade. While old timey portraiture can have its own appeal, it often has a long and bloody history. The threat of ghost murder just isn’t worth it.

WMU staff wrote this

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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

The Hoo’s Who: Black Owl Cafe katy may wrote this The walk towards downtown became dismal last spring when the notorious music venue known as The Strutt shut down.

Months went by with no word of its return, and Kalamazoo’s music following was left abandoned with many questions.

What happened? Where will the shows be? Where will I go for the delicious Kalamazoo Coffee they used to distribute?

Hush, now. It’s alright. We figured it out for you.

Garret Krugh has lived in Kalamazoo for six years. He attended school at Western Michigan University and he’s striving towards a degree in marketing management. What’s keeping him too busy? The grand opening of his new coffee house: the Black Owl Cafe.

Krugh worked at the Strutt the last three years of its life.

Eventually, he and Darren Bain, the previous owner of the Strutt, created Kalamazoo Coffee Co. The coffee had its humble beginnings in the Strutt’s basement, which is way more awesome than what you’re doing with your extra space (unless it’s a sex den, of course). He roasted the beans himself, infusing them with his coffee wizardry. However, as the demand for the coffee grew, the space proved to be insufficient for a burgeoning company.

The question soon became: where will we go from here?

Kalamazoo coffee fans waited for months, making do with the sludge served at the nearest McDonald’s. Krugh’s homeroasted coffee blends they so foolishly fell in love with at the Strutt was starting to seem like a dream. Where would they find their relief, their coffee liberation? Today we have the answer. Located at 414 Walbridge St. is the new and improved Black Owl Cafe, serving fresh coffee to locals from

7 a.m. to 10 p.m. seven days a week.

There are teakettles hanging from the light post outside.

That’s the landmark for Black Owl Cafe. The door opens and a small voice from the back of your mind whispers: “behold.” The decor of the restaurant is a twist of modern and rustic feels. From entrance to exit, the air is thick with a peculiar sort of caffeinated serenity. The service is quick and painless as well. With a smile, the barista greets and serves the finest goods in town.

“We sell our coffee in about 45 grocery stores now,” says Krugh. That’s about 1000 of coffee bags a day, guaranteed fresh. Krugh depicts the process of roasting the beans. After it’s all roasted and bagged, they let the coffee sit for two days to maximize the flavor before they distribute it. Of course, they sell all their premium roasts in the cafe including Krugh’s personal favorite, “You’ve Guat Mail,” an exquisite Guatemalan roast.

Krugh has big plans for the Black Owl. He looks at his new property and admires its potential. The new location is approximately twice the size of The Strutt. Entering Black Owl is misleading, as it doesn’t seem very large. However, the upstairs level must be over four times bigger than the cafe portion down below and Krugh has major plans for the space. And no, it won’t be a state-of-the art, Olympic-sized bathroom where you can fire out coffee-fueled poops for hours at a time.

Half of the upper level will be a general hangout zone with pool tables and seating. The other half will soon be con-

verted into an incredibly large and open music venue.

“Being in bands and going to shows lead me to find that house shows are the most fun,” says Krugh. He goes on to describe the situation of being at a show and feeling disconnected from the band due to the drastic amount of space between them and their fans. Thus, there will be no stage.

“You wanna see the band? Get fucking closer.”

Other plans that he has for Black Owl Cafe include a microbrewery and a beer garden in the distant future.

While there’s no official ETA for the music venue or microbrewery, students and locals alike can still appreciate the wonderful selection of coffees, smoothies, and baked goods that the cafe has to offer. Seeing a local business thrive should motivate the students and citizens in Kalamazoo.

Anything is possible. A simple idea can lead to the focal point of a company. Although the future is unforeseeable, the city of Kalamazoo can observe as Black Owl Cafe and Kalamazoo Coffee Co. surely become landmarks of our time here.

From the Streets

[PartyPics]

Got a question you want us to ask?

FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

“How do you feel about the Lions this year?”

“I really feel good about them! They’ve really been improving over the last few years. We’re definitely going to the playoffs!”

- Javaun, Junior

“I’m not gonna lie, I don’t know that much about football. But I support Detroit!

FOOTBALL POSE!” - Sophia, Freshman

"The secondary is terrible. If they can't improve their secondary, they're going to have a really rough time this year."

- Winston, Junior.

send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)

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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

Chasing Tail

Matt Brinker wrote this

As a Division I FBS school, the WMU football team is in a very difficult position. While we can, and do, whip teams like Central into whimpering puddles of fear urine, teams like U of M and Notre Dame are more challenging. They might not be able to touch us in hockey, but football plays a pivotal role in campus social life. This whole school is one big team, and when football statistics place us solidly in the middle of the division, fans are more than happy to pick up the slack in beer consumption, school spirit and general party rocking. In the parking lots, bars, and neighborhoods around the stadium, Bronco football fuels one of the greatest most awesome rituals on campus: tailgating.

Tailgating is a proud tradition at Western Michigan University, one that our student body (and impressively-enthusiastic alumni) is happy to meet any challenger on. Ask any upperclassmen or alum their favorite “day drinking” story is. We’ll wait. Was it “This one game against Central?” We thought so.

There’s certain tricks of the trade that veteran ‘gaters learn over the years that make Wastern tailgate parties legendary in at least six states.

For example, since the parking lots open just two and a half hours before kickoff, it is necessary to begin celebrating elsewhere before moving the party to the lots. Outside your apartment is a good start, but you could also just slowly meander towards the stadium, or start lying down on the train tracks outside the stadium.

even brats. Douse your meat with beer to bring out the best flavors of each. Flavored beers like Shock Top and Sam Adams seasonals add a unique flavor, but nothing’s wrong with a can of Pabst either. Go with whatever fits your taste and budget. The object is to use enough beer that the cow you’re about to eat is nice and buzzed up in Cow Heaven.

No big, just have a couple beers. You’ll still be good to drive, right? WRONG. Police are on every corner directing traffic and on the lookout for idiots like you. You’re not supposed to drink and drive, like, ever. To avoid this problem, its best to load up your car or truck with beer, grill, beer bong, and the rest of the essentials. Put it in neutral, hazard lights on, and have your group push it to your desired lot. Don’t want to be "that guy" holding up traffic?

It’s cool, you’ve got your hazard lights flashing. This is what they were made for! Hazard!

Look out!

As kickoff approaches, the stadium begins to fill while students lose their buzz. We would never condone breaking any rules at all, but we’re just saying that a half-pint fits pretty perfectly in your waistline. Anyone with a bit of a beer belly or a hoodie can bring whatever they want into the stadium, but this is, of course, against the rules. Which we do not want. The Black Sheep does not encourage illegally drinking at a campus event - we just want students to know what the bad apples do so they can be on the lookout to report such crass perpetrators. It does happen and it is up to all of us to ruin other peoples’ good times, so be vigilant.

Once you get situated, it’s time to fire up the grill - and everybody knows that the key to a good piece of meat is the seasoning. It is an undisputable fact that nothing goes better with meat than beer (ed. note: that is a very nice pickup line). So use it liberally on steaks, burgers,

Lastly, never forget to have fun. Your team is counting on you to scream your head off and make every other college football fan in America wish they were a Bronco!

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9 - Close $2.00 U CALL IT on Pints and Single Liquor Drinks $3 Bilbo & Domestic Quarts, $5 Double Premiums

SAT

After 9pm: HALF-PRICE DRINKS

TUESDAY: .50 CENT Wings 3-10pm Happy Hour 3-7pm $3 ANYTHING 9pm-1am $5 Wraps, Sandwiches & Burgers 3pm-10pm, Happy Hour 3-7pm, $2.50 Tall Domestic Drafts 7-10pm, $2.50 Bud/Bud Lt Bottles, $2.50 Wells, $3 SoCo Lime Shots 9pm-1am 2 For $20 (1 App, 2 Entrees or Medium 3 Topping Traditional Pizza, & 1 Dessert) 3-10pm, Happy Hour 3-7pm $1 Rolling Rock Pints, PBR & High Life Bottles, $3 Washington Apple Shots, $4 Long Island/Beach 9pm-1am

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College Gameday $2.50 pints of Bud Light and Miller Lite until 7pm $3.00 U-Call-It 9pm - 12am $7.99 Large 1 item Pizza

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$2 Domestic Pints, $2.50 Micro Brew Pints, & $3 Wells 3PM - 1AM, $5 Medium Traditional Pepperoni Pizza (Dine In or Carry Out) 3pm-10pm

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$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3.00 Premium Pints, $3.25 Super Premium Pints; ($2 well drinks, $4.00 double wells) Service Industry- 1/2 Price on everything- Bring your pay stub!

$4 DELUXE Burger Baskets 3-10pm $1 PBR Pints OPEN-1am Happy Hour 3-7pm, $2 Domestic Bottles, $2.50 Wells, & $3 Manager Choice Shots 9pm-1am

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$3.00 Domestic Mugs $4.00 Premium Mugs, $0.50 Hot Wings and Boneless Wings

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$3 Quarts Bilbo & Domestic $4 Premiums Qts. $4.25 Super Prem Qts. $3.75 Long Islands

.50 CENT Wings 3-10pm Happy Hour 3-7pm $3 ANYTHING 9pm-1am

$1 High Life Pints $1 Dogs, $2 Burgers $0.60 Hamms Cans DJ 10-12 Live Music on the Patio 6-10

SIN Night - 1/2 off $6.50 1 item Medium Pizza

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WED

$2.25 Bilbo & Domestic Pints $3 Premium Pts, $3.25 Super Prem Pts. $2.00 well drinks $4.00 double wells

1/2 OFF ALL PIZZA 3-10pm, Happy Hour 3-7pm, LIVE TRIVIA @ 8pm ($3 Tall Miller Lite 8-1am), $3 ALL PINTS, $3 Smirnoff & Bacardi (Flavors Included) 9pm-1am

bag tourney! ca$h prize $2.50 22oz Miller Lite, $2.75 Wells $2 House Shots, $1 Tacos

College Night NO COVER WITH WMU ID .50 cent drafts - $1.50 wells DJ Kane on Main DJ MT in the PIT

$3.00 Bottled Beer $6.00 Fat Tire (22oz) 1/2 off small plates Entertainment by DJ GAMMI

page 9

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

College procrastination reaches new heights wmu stff wrote this With the first exams in many classes already approaching, many students are doing this thing where they spend a lot of time on non-important stuff to try to avoid doing what they actually need to be doing. You know, that whole beating-around-thebush thing before getting to the meat of an assignment. It’s like, “Dude, what’s the point of this thing?””I dunno, dude. Have you seen this Gangnam Style video?”

Anyway…

According to Wikipedia, a whole lot of college students utilize some form of procrastination. Whether it be playing a quick round of Call of Duty, catching up on a little sleep, surfing the Internet, cleaning the apartment, fixing an extravagant meal, or crafting a needlessly long list, there are many things to which today’s students are turning in an effort to put off real work for just a little longer. Many believe that writing assignments in particular cause extraordinary procrastinatory measures among students, including the creation of new adjectives.

As a result of the rampant procrastination, WMU professors are noticing a growing trend of assignments bearing the tell-tale signs of being last-minute efforts. Reports of printers dying and computers crashing, sloppy oral presentations filled with lots of, uh, verbal fillers, pour grammar in writing assignments, and incomplete thoughts are leaving instructors shaking their However, it is not just students who are having trouble with putting things off until the last minute. There have been numerous reports of professors not returning graded works until weeks and

weeks after the fact, prompting many complaints to WMU administration (the university is expected to respond to these complaints sometime in the near future). Other students have noted absurdly long wait times for food from oncampus dining facilities. One Taco Bell cook was seen to be staring vacantly into the deep fryer while the line in front of the counter continued to grow.

One common refrain among students is the lack of effort put into the creation of exams by their instructors. Tests have become increasingly easy as the problem persists.

“I had a professor who gave us a one-question exam the other day,” said one totally-not-made-up-at-the-last-minute student.

“He said he was too busy watching the Cowboys game the night before to finish making the rest of the test.”

“My poli-sci professor was telling us all about this really good book she had been reading on the day we were supposed to have a test,” said another student this author who was definitely actually interviewed was quoted saying “By the time she got done, she admitted that she never actually made out an exam for us and just asked us who the President was before giving us all A’s.

In other cases, procrastination could turn out not to be quite so

harmless. In response to recent questions concerning rising tuitions and costs of student living, WMU President John Dunn began fidgeting and rambling about his time commitments.

“Well, you see, we’re going to get the tuition issue under control…eventually. There’s just been so much other stuff going on lately. I’ve been trying to get caught up on Breaking Bad, for one.

And I mean really, aren’t there so many other things you’d rather us be doing than trying to balance that whole budget? That’s just so much work. We could be doing so many other things instead—like not balancing the budget, for instance. We’re considering building another fountain somewhere before we start working on tuition costs though, what do you guys think?”

Above is a chart showing the campus-wide progression of procrastination.

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page 10

theblacksheeponline.com

The Girlfriend’s Guide to Fantasy Sports Hannah Borland wrote this

Ladies, if you’re lucky enough to have a man who puts up with both your complete lack of personality and utter reliance on him to drive you everywhere - congratulations. Pat yourself on the back for being eh, hot enough, and put down the Cosmo that’s telling you how to properly caress his balls. Seriously. If you’re brave and/or trashed enough to shackle yourself to one guy for more than the time it takes to get him to buy you a drink, the last place you should take advice from is women’s magazines. Indeed, if you want to take on the challenge of keeping a man happy, there is one, and only one question you need to ask yourself. And you better answer with an affirming jumping high-five! ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!?

Or baseball. Or basketball. Or pro bass fishing, if your guy is from the Up. Face it, your man has a lot of fantasies, but did you know that not all of them are about you? At least .317% of them are sports-related. Specifically, having his own fantasy team. Note that you can’t be a member of this team.

So how do you navigate this confusing world of mythical RBIs and make-believe second downs?

How can you make sure you own stake in his little you-less sanctuary that is fantasy sports? By following our Girlfriend’s Guide to Fantasy Sports, silly.

Pro Tip 1: Show up at his draft party. Draft parties are totes boring sausage fests with way too many confusing numbers and statistics. Your guy will want nothing to do with it anymore after the first round when Aaron Rodgers, Sidney Crosby, or Kobe Bryant has already been drafted to Team Master Chief. Get your sweet, yoga ass over there to sit on his lap and keep him entertained through the boring hours of beer, wings, and icky male bonding.

Pro Tip 2: Give him lots of advice on whom to put in on his game nights. Everybody knows that good-looking guys are more talented, nicer, and better at foreplay than ugly guys. So when your sweetie wants to have a total cave troll play for his team tonight, it’s your job to stop him!

The sweet, cinnamon baby face of Blake Griffin must mean that he’s better than that bearded

jack-o-lantern LeBron James. Plus “power forward” sounds so much manlier than “small forward.”

Pro Tip 3: Trash text the guys in his league. Strike fear into the hearts of your boo’s opponents by letting them know that they are going down hard—you know, like you when you want a new purse. Just a simple, “Ur team sucks! Get a girlfriend loser!” should do it. This tip is so effective that it will cause the entire league to stop talking to your man out of what we can only assume to be sheer terror.

Pro Tip 4: Withhold sex unless he wins his match up. Fantasy sports are as important to guys as graduating college, so you need to show him you take his team as seriously as he does. If his guys aren’t scoring, he isn’t scoring. Trust us; he’ll appreciate this spirited dedication to his success and coital condemnation of his failure.

Fantasy sports are not for the faint of heart. The next time you make eye contact with a guy over your sushi that shows how worldly and daring you are, think twice. Ask yourself, “Will this end badly, with me sobbing and praying to the porcelain god while his suitemates do the pee dance? Or will it lead to me making him into a fantasy player with possibly the best record ever?” That may be a question you’d never thought you’d ask yourself, but follow our tips and you can make this season be his “fantasy come true.” Princess Leia costume not included.

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COMFORTING

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page 11

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

bartender of the week jessica shakespeare's pub Nickname: Big Booty Judy Favorite Drink: My favorite drink is Liquid Marijuana. It’s made with blueberry vodka, melon, Malibu, Captain Morgan, a splash of pineapple, and a splash of sour.

Favorite Shot: The chocolate covered pretzel.

I Dare You Shot: An icebreaker. It’s half Rumple Minze half Yukon Jack.

And you can do a breaker bomb and drop it in Red Bull.

Best Dance Move: The booty shake, obviously. Big Booty Judy! I gotta use what my Momma gave me.

Best Thing From the Summer: I went to Alaska for two weeks to go Salmon fishing. My boyfriend flew me out there. Best vacation of my life.

Favorite Thing to Do in Kalamazoo: I love to go running downtown. It’s my favorite thing. You can people watch and see everything. I always find little coffee shops are the best places to stop. I love it.

Funniest Pick Up Attempt: Some guy took that “Call Me, Maybe” song and wrote it on his receipt. I have a picture of it.

the drinking game

across the bridge Feeling lucky? This game takes absolutely no skill whatsoever! It also requires little thought and physical movement. As that weird-looking chick from The Hunger Games says, “May the odds be ever in your favor.”

What You’ll Need: A deck of cards and your brew of choice.

Number of Players: Two or more. Just make sure you have enough cards!

Level of Intoxication: If you’re lucky, you’ll get tipsy. If you’re unlucky, you’ll black out.

How to Play: - Deal ten cards face down in a straight line for your “bridge.”

- One player starts the game by flipping the first card.

- If the card is a 2 through 10, the player can move on to flipping the next card.

- If the flipped card is a face card (jack, queen, king or ace), the player must drink (one second for a jack, two for a queen, three for a king, and four for an ace).

- The player must also add cards onto the end of your bridge (one for a jack, two for a queen, three for a king and four for an ace).

- The next player flips their next card and continues the game in the same fashion.

The Game Ends When: One player stumbles all the way across the bridge.

In that case, shuffle the cards and start over.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

Recipe for Disaster

impost0r cinnastix You’re at the peak of your “munchies stage” and you’re craving Domino’s Cinnastix, however you’re too lazy to get off your ass and walk to a Domino’s. Then you realize your pocket full of dollar bills is now just a pocket full of bad decisions and the aroma of stripper perfume. What do you do? Make these Impostor Cinnastix, that’s what!

What You’ll Need: Bread, butter, sugar, cinnamon, milk, powdered sugar.

Cook Time: 20 minutes.

Fatty Factor: If you’re on a diet, just stop reading now.

Let’s Get Baked: - Lay pieces of bread onto a piece of foil.

- Microwave ¼ cup of butter.

- Spread the butter across your pieces of bread.

- Mix 2 teaspoons of cinnamon and ½ cup of sugar in a bowl.

- Sprinkle your cinnamon sugar on top of your bread.

- Let your bread bake in the oven for 10 minutes on 150 degrees.

- In a separate bowl, mix ¼ cup of melted butter with ¼ tablespoon of milk and 2 tablespoons of powdered sugar.

- Mix well until it looks like icing.

- Take your bread out of the oven and let cool.

- Drizzle your icing on top of your bread.

Bring these with you to the bars and sell them for five bucks a piece to those drunken girls who “need something to absorb the obscene amount of alcohol they drank.” Yeah, good luck with that.

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com

Point / Counter Point:

Fall TV Shows 666 Park Avenue (ABC)

Ben and Kate (FOX)

Q: A young couple moves into a “too good to be true” apartment complex, and if you haven’t figured it out already from the spoon-fed title, it’s haunted. Who cares about a plot when the preview shows people being sucked into the walls by spirits or committing suicide off the edge of the building? It looks like nothing new, just the same old “whipping out an old book to find out the dragon insignia in the shitter is an evil omen” run-around. Just move you assholes.

Problem solved.

Q: Ben is played by Academy Award-winning Nat Foxan, and his older sister Kate is played

by Dakota Johnson. Ben is the lovable, awkward man-child, and Kate is the uptight but quirky single mom “trying to make ends meet.” While on the surface this looks like a pretty typical setup, Ben will walk the line of getting under your skin and being endearing/funny perfectly - if you can keep your eyes off his mangled grill, that is.

B: “A streetwise lawyer born and raised in New Jersey joins a posh New York City law firm, where she must defend her clients while surviving her colleagues’ skepticism and her Italian family’s constant interruptions.” In other words, a paint-by-numbers drama full of over-the-top stereotypes. WHAT-A? YOU NO LOVE-A YA MOMMA’S SPICY MEAT-A-BALL NO MORE NOW YOU A BIG CITY GIRL? GABBAGOO!!!

B: The only upside this show offers is the offthe-charts awkwardness potential. Roommate comedies thrive off of tired odd couple tropes, so when it comes time for Ben and Kate to do, “the single mom gets laid” episode, having Ben say, “I can’t believe I had to hear you during sex last night, you cried harder than when dad spanked you,” will be fun for the whole family.

Q: Get over yourself. If people aren’t constantly reminded of stereotypes, how will we ever know when to judge one another? How will our kids know how to walk the line between “playing it by the book” and “getting their hands dirty once in a while”? A bully beats them up – do they give the perp a few cheap shots before turning him in? We need these shows, Brendan, not everyone can paint without numbers.

B: Ah, but Quinn, don’t you see that the producers are taking horror to a whole new level?

Because this family leveraged all their assets to afford their Manhattan apartment, they can’t move without dealing with a citizen’s greatest fear: The IRS. Certainly this show is just an extended metaphor for the plight of the American homeowner in the post-recession real estate horrorscape.

The New Normal (FOX)

Chicago Fire (nbc)

B: Listen up, Hollywood. If your best idea for convincing closed-minded people in flyover states that two dudes getting hitched is okay is a shitty sitcom about a gay couple adopting a baby, we as a nation have much larger problems.

B: A show. About firefighters. In Chicago. Produced by Law & Order creator Dick Wolf, this show promises to have the firefighters discover a fire, threaten it without evidence, get frustrated, find a new fire, question it, only to find that it was the first fire’s fault the whole time right when there’s like, three minutes left in each episode. In 2015 prepare for spinoffs Chicago Fire: Lake Forest and Chicago Fire: Aurora.

Q: How else do you want them to represent this classic struggle? People in Hollywood are progressive and better looking, everyone else is backwards and old. If sitcoms aren’t the beacon of change in this country, then yes, we as a nation have much larger problems. I look forward to Digger & Greene the unlikely law partnership of the son of an Oil Baron and a UC Berkeley hippie.

Q: Did you want this to be about the Chicago Fire soccer team, or Mrs. O’Leary? It’s called ESPN, Brendan, and they air US Soccer matches at least twice a year. No, this procedural drama is about a bunch of sexy firefighters (modeled after real Chicago firefighters), putting out fires and taking their shirts off.

GOOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL (in my pants).

Made in Jersey (CBS)

Just like the World Masturbation Championships, the fall TV schedule offers different strokes for different folks. With such a wide breadth of programming, it’s smarrt-- nay-- necessary to have qualified experts breaking down which new shows you should spend time watching this fall.

Sadly, we don’t have any experts. Hell, we can barely afford pants. We do have two editors, though. So, we made Quinn and Brendan debate the merits of eight shows debuting this fall.

Malibu Country (abc)

Q: So this is just Reba right? They are trying to say it’s not, but the lead role is Reba McEntire playing “A mother of two kids, and a once country music sensation trying to get her foot back in the door.” Our only hope is that this show is very dark – Reba moves her family to Malibu, but fails to jumpstart her music career. She delves deep into depression and huffing computer dusters, only to accidentally microwave her youngest daughter in the season finale.

B: God, then the second season opens up with Reba getting off on a technicality, only now she has a taste for blood. At night she roams the streets of Malibu, committing random acts of violence on unsuspecting rich couples. Thankfully, the Malibu PD have just the man for the case, a grizzled old cop (Jeff Foxworthy) who’s only days away from retirement. He’s following the trail of blood…and it’s on her hands.

The Mindy Project (FOX) Animal Practice (nbc) B: Ah, a show actually worthy of excitement. After years of seasoning on The Office, Mindy Kaling gets her opportunity to shine. Though The Office may be a shell of its former self, it’s the Bill Walsh of TV shows, spawning disciples that have created current great, Parks and Recreation. Kaling doesn’t rely on any crutches -- like her gender or ethnicity -- to be funny, so don’t expect any terrible CBS-quality jokes about how hard it is to have one’s period in a sari.

Q: Kelly is annoying, and this seems to be the same character. A female OBGYN with a “unique persona” trying to navigate her personal and professional life? She’s a rom-com aficionado? Give Creed from The Office his own show. Please.

Q: As much as one would hate to see anything replace the current NBC lineup, this show might be decent. Whether or not it was the psychotic clusterfu*ck that was the closing ceremonies it aired after, the pilot seemed okay. We really like Justin Kirk (Andy from Weeds) and this show looks like that same character with a mix of Dr. House, but in a veterinary.

B: Eh, the dialogue in this show is ruff-er than tree BARK!

the interview

menomena

Portland indie rockers Menomena are releasing a new album, Moms, on September 18th before kicking off a nationwide tour.

Because they have moms, and we have moms, and you have moms, we thought it would be a wise decision to talk to them.

But not about their moms, though. That stuff’s personal, man. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: When starting a new album, what mindset do you put yourself in?

Justin Harris: We’ve never put ourselves in the mindset, like, we’re making a concept album.

On Moms in particular, early on there was a theme, at least, and it gives us a chance to think about issues that you want to write about. But again, it’s not a concept album my any means.

TBS: You guys often introduce new instruments into your music. Is that your attempt to create a specific sound you’re looking for, or just a challenge to yourself?

Justin: A lot of the time it’s, “How do we make that sound?”

TBS: Have you ever had an experience where it just didn’t work?

Justin: Yeah, definitely. [Laughs] There might be a couple of times on this album where we’re not sure if it’ll work or not.

TBS: There’s democracy behind your songwriting, when do you know you have a finished song?

Justin: For us, it’s the person who started writing a song who decides when the song is done. For me, over the years I’ve become familiar with the process. When I start playing something, I see it getting better, and eventually I just knowing when it’s done.

TBS: You guys go to great lengths to recreate how your album sounds live on stage.

Why? Justin: I don’t know, we started off early on thinking that’s what you do. You create your music on stage. Sure, it won’t sound exactly the same, but it’s really important to make sure the signatures of the songs are recreated on stage.

TBS: With all that stuff going on, how much practice gets into making sure you can perform without screwing something up?

Justin: A lot. We spend a lot of individual time working on getting to that point. On one of our songs on the last album I was supposed to be able to play this sax part and this bass part while on stage. Then I handed over the sax part to someone else, but it turns out my body wasn’t prepared for it. I couldn’t do one without the other, because I had trained my body to do both. It was an interesting realization for me.

TBS: So how do you strike the balance between doing all that and still having a sense of showmanship?

Justin: It’s something I struggle with daily. There’s a big part of me that wishes I could just go up there and play my instruments, but there’s an element of showmanship that’s necessary in a live show. The more we play songs, the easier it is to incorporate that kind of stuff as part of the show. At the same time, it helps that we have a really animated drummer. [Laughs] TBS: What kind of music are you interested in that your fans wouldn’t assume you’re interested in?

Justin: Man, I wish I could ask [band mate] Danny Siem, he listens to a much wider variety of music than I do. I went to the symphony last weekend with a friend of mine, and it got me thinking about symphonics.

TBS: What would you consider your greatest athletic achievement?

Justin: Hmm, it’s been many years. I pitched a no-hitter in high school.

the big three

entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.

the perks of being a wallflower in theaters - 9/21 Based on the 1999 uber-emotional (albeit, spot-on) novel by Stephen Chbosky, Perks tells the tale of self-proclaimed wallflower Charlie (Logan Lerman), an incoming high school freshman. The first-person narrative takes us through his highs and lows of adolescence, from the freeing feeling of being infinite to his rocky pursuit of his friend's sister (Emma Watson). no doubt - push and shove in store - 9/25 Sure, Gwen Stefani has released two solo albums in the past decade that were so successful that that shit was bananas. But the group has a whole hasn't released an album since 2001's Rock Steady, and these Californians have been hard at work on their latest album since 2010. Push and Shove, their sixth studio album, features beat geniuses Diplo and Major Lazer.

Check out "Settle Down" and "Push and Shove."

brickleberry 9/25 @ 10:30pm on comedyy central If you watched Tosh.0 last season, you know a thing or two about the new animated series from the disturbed yet hilarious mind of comedian Daniel Tosh. With celebrities galore doing the voiceovers of these national park forest rangers, we're looking forward to a new animated comedy that is one part Parks and Rec and one part South Park.

the classtime

totally tailgating Across

4) ESPN’s Saturday morning gig.

8) You can thank them for setting it all up, usually.

9) 50% of the time you don’t make it here.

12) Basically bags.

15) The OG drinking game.

17) The act of making extremely delicious things.

19) Throwing bolas.

20) A bro’s tailgating uniform.

21) A handstand with help.

6) Pairs nicely with chips.

7) Huge, cheap, and everyone centers around it.

10) A real badass brings this RV. 11) The whole reason you do this, supposedly.

13) One shot of beer every 60 seconds.

14) Brought attention (and cameras) to tailgating.

16) A standard starting time, in the A.M. 18) Keeps that beer so kool.

Down

1) We can think of a sunny tune about this game.

2) Ladies will don these with their school’s logo.

3) Fat-free, but not booze free.

4) With beans, or without.

5) Burgers, hot dogs, brats... bacon...

Answers

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