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Volume 5, Issue 2 9/6/2012 - 9/20/2012
The Black Sheep Guide to the Apocalypse:
Alien Annihilation Edition phil mccracken wrote this
Last week we told you how to survive a robot apocalypse. Hopefully you read that carefully, because we’re 99% sure that the world will end in a robot apocalypse. But we at The Black Sheep are nothing if not thorough. Yes, there is a chance the world will end before robots get a chance to revolt against us. It’s not likely, but possible. Using our incredible journalistic minds, we calculated the most likely scenario for premature global annihilation in order to prepare you for the end of the world. The answer is simple. It’s been right in front of us this whole time. Aliens. Did you seriously think people built the pyramids? Or that cows in America mutilate themselves as a practical joke? Or that Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was anything but the highest form of art? We pity your unenlightened mind. Aliens are real, and as soon as the Mayan calendar - the ancient force that has protected Earth all these thousands of years - runs out of time, so do we. The aliens are coming, kids. Hang onto your asses. PREPARATION: Any species of hyperintelligent space creatures that invests the time, energy, alien money, and alien materials to build a spaceship and travel thousands of light years across the universe in search of someone, anyone to share the vast emptiness of the universe with and feel just a little bit less alone, is going to be pretty ticked when the only species they find still kills each other over religion. And really, who can blame them? It would be like finally getting a date with that pretty girl you’ve been pining after since freshman year, only to discover that she thinks the Jews were behind 9/11. We’d be miffed, too. Unfortunately for us, those hyperintelligent spacecreatures will have us totally outgunned tech-wise and, with their volatile alien emotions, will seek to obliterate us. Stock up on mirror clothes for the alien laser guns and butt chastity belts for your butt. If it’s not possible for you to take refuge on the moon, underground will have to do - dig a shallow hole and lay in it, face up, until the aliens leave (don’t ask us why, just trust us). If you have any friends from small planets in the vicinity of Betelgeuse, now would be an excellent time to hitch a lift with that frood.
gettin' paid, (not) gettin' laid
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THE BATTLE: We’re hopelessly out gunned. We’re surrounded by hostile aliens attempting to repurpose us into meat mist. We’ve got the bastards on our right, on our left, in our faces and at our backs. To quote a true American badass, “They can’t get away this time!” Is there anything more American than staring down a pissed off horde of aliens and telling them to go to hell? (We mean, besides obesity.) If redneck stories are to be believed, and we think they are, aliens have a thing for hick buttholes, and America holds a monopoly on hick buttholes. They’ll be coming for us first. And you know what? Bring it. Aliens are not used to Earth’s atmosphere, or water, or small children throwing rocks at their dumb little heads. We have all of those and Will Smith. Hide in your shallow holes until the aliens don’t know where you’ve gone and have to leave their ships to look for you. Once you have them out in the open, hit those creepy gray freaks with Super Soakers, bear pheromones, and anything else you can get your hands on! You think aliens have silly string? No! They’re totally unprepared! Spray their eye stalks or helmets or goggles and beat the ever loving crap out of them with a baseball bat! AMERICA! THE AFTERMATH: There are three ways an alien invasion can end: - We win. We fight the aliens with our primitive Earth weaponry and cold viruses, and the invaders are annihilated. Sure, the streets of every major city in the world will be smeared with the blood of living creatures who just wanted to know that they wouldn’t have to face the cold clutches of eternity alone in this universe, but a good power wash or two should clear that right up.
what’s inside
- We lose. The aliens manage to squash any hope of human resistance with their overwhelming technological advantage and we are forced to be their obedient slaves, farming and mining resources for them until we die of exhaustion at the age of 28. The only bright side is that if you’re strong but dumb, the aliens will probably breed you to other strong and dumb humans in a crude husbandry system. - Extermination. If Earth is in the way of a planned hyperspace bypass, or Krikkiters escape the Time Lock Capsule, or Daleks are incredible dicks, there will be no aftermath to speak of. Earth will be utterly annihilated, without a single hint that we ever existed left to the universe. All of Mozart’s symphonies, lost. All of Renoir’s work. Every word ever written by Shakespeare. Beer. The rest of the galaxy will never even care that we lived, let alone died. But, we guess you just have to measure that loss against the shame you’d feel if the universal community learned you allowed Octomom to be famous. When we put it like that, maybe utter extermination isn’t that bad.
the black sheep's guide to a perfect party
confused partygoers can't find booze in waldo library
need this? then maybe you shouldn't throw a party.
Freshmen, can't live with them, can't get laid without them.
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