The Black Sheep Fr
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
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Volume 5, Issue 1 8/30/12 - 9/05/12
Love From the Kalamazookeepers
Matt Brinker wrote this
Around this time every year one of the greatest migrations of the natural world occurs all over the United States. Though destinations differ, the arrival of these semi-permanent immigrants redefines each community in which they settle. Here in Kalamazoo, the effects of college students moving into town for the school year are all the more extreme because the school in question is none other than Western Michigan University. Those who live in Kalamazoo year-round have grown accustomed to manageable traffic, short lines at the liquor stores, and a relieving absence of university police over the past few months. But as September approaches and “Fall Leasing” signs become scarce, the simple, small-town lifestyle we have grown to love is replaced by chaos and debauchery. Sure, nobody will complain during Welcome Week, when everybody is friendly and inviting, drunken antics are hilarious rather than obnoxious, and nobody has anything important to do 95% of the time. But that is not the Kalamazoo migrant students know. The seasonal Kalamazoo most students are accustomed to is a hellish mess of roommate troubles, confusing streets and vomit-filled bathrooms. Oh sure, it starts out great. Kalamazoo is the prettiest little town this side of Hogsmeade, but give it time for the honeymoon effect to wear off. Stay in any town long enough and you’ll remember what made you so eager to leave last time. It will begin the first time you’re late for class because of a shortage of (legal) parking and boss level traffic around campus. This will become a trend over the next week or two, until everyone remembers why they carpooled or rode the bus last year. Around the time traffic begins to clear up, a new phenomenon will start to drive students to the brink of felonious violence: The famous neighbor/roommate conflict. Whether in the dorms, an apartment, or a rented house, we always hold our new neighbors and roommates in the highest regard . . . at first. A neighbor who buys a keg three nights a week or a roommate who plays Call of Duty with surround sound until 5:00 a.m. seems like a perfect match at
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the end of August. But by the time you’re into the routine of early classes and late work nights, patience is wearing thin. They might cool their antics by the time midterms approach, but it’s much more likely that midterms will instead fuel a temporary obsession with elaborate and disturbing revenge fantasies about the dishes. Along with your neighborhood honeymoon phase comes a campus-wide fanatical obsession with grades as Adderall prescriptions are devoured like Skittles. This too shall pass. As you and other students remember why you were looking forward to summer in the first place, studying will inexplicably turn into a massive (and disruptive) project, complete with friends, music, and a steady flow of Menna’s delivery. Hardly anything will be accomplished, and between pop quizzes, ten-page essays, your roommate complaining that he has so much more to do than anyone else, and your par-
what’s inside
ents calling every day to ask how your job search is coming, you can only find comfort in the fact that you’re halfway to winter break. This is the migrant Kalamazoo. This is Kalamazoo as it becomes every September, much like a nine month werewolf. It’s the only Kalamazoo most students see, and natives just can’t wait to see your taillights again so they can have the place to themselves. Sure, they can adjust to the college crowd and the bizarre personality the city takes on while they’re in town. The time will come for peaceful summer strolls and neighborly chats by the mailbox, but meanwhile we have to embrace the culture that is built around these college nuisances. After all, it wouldn’t be college without it. And if they still can’t cope, Michigan is a medical marijuana state. So they’ve got options.
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