VT FALL ISSUE 1

The Black Sheep

from FREE hom ! Like e be all t fore he b you ooze hea you ded sto to c le am pus ...

FALL 2015

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

ISSUE 1

A HOKIE GUIDE TO SURVIVING THE NEW TERM TOP 10: ROOMMATE RED FLAGS VT SELLS HOKIESPA TO ANSWERS.COM!

INSIDE

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N O I T A N E I HOK

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Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

WHAT MOVIE IS THIS SCENE FROM?

The image below depicts an iconic scene from an iconic movie. What movie is it? If you think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, we’ll mail you a prize!

CORKSCREWED An occurrence in which the wine cork breaks in the neck of the wine bottle.

“After it broke, I can’t get the cork to go in the bottle or come out. I’m totally corkscrewed.”

WHICH 1-HIT WONDER IS THIS? Hey, look, it’s that guy who sang that song! What’s his name? Well, we know, do you? If you know the name of the 1-hit wonder from the 2000s pictured below, email us the correct answer at Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, maybe we’ll send you a CD we have laying around our office.

VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS:

2 TRUTHS AND A LIE Can you spot the lie these video game icons are telling you? Think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com with your answer. We’ll send you that Duck Hunt dog’s head in a box.

I’ve also been known as “Jumpman” and “Mr. Video.”

Me and Princess Peach have never kissed in a video game.

I guest refereed in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!

FOLLOW US ON TWITTER FOR ALL THE ANSWERS!

how to obtain money now that you’ve been fired from your summer job...

JULIE wrote this

START HERE!

WHY DID YOU GET FIRED?

I’m just a bad employee

“Creative differences”

START HERE! how quickly do you need money?

ARE YOU TECH SAVVY?

so you have trouble with authority?

I’m a pure cinnamon roll

I could wait a few days Like, yesterday

Screw the “Man”

Enough I still own a flip phone

I wasn’t bullied for nothing

are you a hoarder?

do your parents love you?

We cool

thoughts on medical procedures?

Define “love”...

Maybe

Naw man

I’m open to options Hard pass

is there anything you wouldn’t do for money?

are you cool with possibly being arrested?

No I don’t think so I would do sex stuff

what is your ideal vacation

I’m down

but are you smart?

Vegas, baby!

Backpacking through Europe

are you feeling lucky?

Yeah, street smart

are you cute?

E = extremely so Lucky to be alive

My mom says so!

Like a punk Hella cute

My stuff is

donate plasma

start gambling

marry rich

sell your crap online

beg your parents

become a hacker

Skills Needed: Ability to sit still for an hour, reliable transportation, and no fear of needles

Skills Needed: Luck of the Irish, respect for Native Americans, and a tolerance for a lot of cigarette smoke.

Skills Needed: Pretty head, good in bed, and ability to smell wealthy, gullible people like a bloodhound.

Skills Needed: An eBay account from 2008, packing peanuts, and complete lack of nostalgia for anything you used to own.

Skills Needed: Middle-to-upper class background, a good puppy-dog face, and no sense of self-respect.

Skills Needed: Ability to code, a friendship with the group Anonymous, and a “V for Vendetta” mask.

a ladies’ guide to living situations (lessons yo mama didn’t teach you...)

HOW TO: ASSERT DOMINANCE OVER YOUR ROOMMATE

5 DISCREET WAYS TO TELL YOUR MAN YOU’RE TAKING A GIANT POOP

College is a time to reinvent yourself, to turn the person you were in high school to the person your future self will regret being. No matter who you were in high school, there’s one person everyone wants to be in college: the top dorm dog. That’s right, we’re talking the alpha roommate. The alpha roommate is the cool roommate, the roommate in charge, the roommate who calls all the shots and takes shit from nobody. Most importantly, the alpha roommate is not the beta roommate, the submissive roommate, the roommate who only calls their mother and takes shit from everybody, especially their mother. It’s decision time; which one will you be? There can only be one alpha, and here’s how to make sure it’s you. - Molly wrote this

For us ladies, some things are uncomfortable to talk about with your man, especially when you two are first getting to know each other. Perhaps the most essential and unavoidable topic is pooping. Yes, even classy ladies fart and poop. But it’s okay, because The Black Sheep’s here to help deal will this issue. By following these 5 easy steps, this embarrassing topic will be easy to handle and become a great test of your relationship! - Amanda wrote this

Ask your roommate what their door keycode is and then secretly switch keys: This move says “You only live here because I allow you to live here.” It may seem like a fun little accident at first, but they’ll soon realize they have a door to go through before they can get through their room door, and that first door is you.

Organize a hall hangout and tell everyone that your roommate rudely blew off your invitation, even though you never invited them in the first place: There’s power in numbers, so make sure the numbers are on your side. Everyone in your hall will inevitably pick favorites, so you need to make sure you’re the chosen one. Your roommate won’t be able to defend themselves from taking the blame for every horrific shit taken in the hall bathrooms because they won’t be there when you start that rumor. Is your hall a safe, welcoming place for your roommate? Absolutely! But only because you let it be, for now.

Do everything you possibly can in your room: Homework, calisthenics, your next door neighbor, etc… Your roommate needs to know that this is your space, not theirs. The more time you spend in there, the better, and the more impractical ways you spend your time in there, the best. Anyone else would find the gym a better place to go swimming, but you’ll take nothing less than a kiddy pool in the middle of your dorm. Keep the music down because your roommate’s trying to sleep? More like coordinate your sleeping habits to adhere to my 5 a.m. music time habits.

Buy a lounge chair, position it in front of the door, and wait in the darkness: This will seem creepy at first, but eventually they’ll get used to it. They’ll even learn to expect it, which will work to your benefit. Next time they’re considering bringing home a random conquest and forcing you into sexile, they’ll have to first consider if they want to risk bringing the ultimate cockblock into play. You know what scares away random hookups? Roommates who sit in the darkness for who knows how long, waiting for you to come home.

Let them know you had a previously arranged roommate that backed out at the last minute (even if you didn’t): This one’s to make sure they know who’s the reacher (them) and the settler (you). You had other, more preferable options that unfortunately didn’t work out in the end. Nonetheless, if they had, you would have chosen said original roommate over your now current roommate in a heartbeat. You’re the roommate prize, and they need to know you’ll expect certain behavior if they want to keep the luxury of living with you.

Nothing takes away confidence like knowing you’re someone’s second choice, and you know who lacks confidence? Beta roommates.

So you’re now equipped to sociopathically manipulate the living daylights out of your brand new living buddy, but why stop there? Manipulate your classmates, manipulate your professor, try out arson for a while and see if it’s for you! Sociopathy is a winding adventurous road; how far will you take it?

5.) Everyone Poops: Just man up and say you’re taking a shit, because if he doesn’t like it you should dump his ass anyway. If you’re new to the relationship or a bit timid, give him the book entitled Everyone Poops, or play the YouTube version of Morgan Freeman reading it. Let’s be honest, no human can resist Morgan Freeman’s sweet, sultry voice.

4.) Before you lay the wood, I’ve gotta lay mine: Sexual innuendos are perhaps the best way to un-awkwardify a situation. We’re all dirty, filthy people on the inside and our love for sex is one thing everyone has in common. If you say this line, preferably before morning sex, it is a guarantee that your man will at least crack a smile and maybe even not completely understand what it means. The end result will benefit you both.

3.) Selfies: Tell your man you’re going to the bathroom to keep all your various social media accounts presh. Everyone knows that bathrooms have the best lighting anyway—where else does the light perfectly fall upon your cheek bones?! On a side note, if you end up taking a while, he’ll understand your need to bless your followers on #SelfieSunday.

2.) Write It Out: Another fine possibility is to spell out “I’m pooping” on the bed with books or roses, because at the end of the day you’re a lady and dammit you’re romantic. Or leave anonymous Post-it notes around the house that lead him directly to you. These Post-it notes can say anything you’re feeling. Topics include but are not limited to: “I’m dropping the kids off at the pool,”“taking a deposit to the bank,”“defecating,” and “filling the peanut butter jar.” He’ll love playing this fun little game while enhancing his vocabulary!

1.) Music: Ahhh, sweet song lyrics have always best summed up and described life’s most awkward, painful, saddest and funniest moments. There is no better way than to sing, “Let Me Poop” to the tune of Disney’s infamous Frozen. If you don’t like Frozen, you can always come up with a rap, preferably while you’re on the toilet, leaving him impressed. There’s no doubt he’s going to want to wife you up after that.

By following one or all of these ways to secretly tell your man you’re taking the Browns to the Super Bowl, you’ll not only breakthrough that awkward barrier of poop and non-poop talk, but who knows where your relationship could go from here. The first step in all successful relationships is to be comfortable with and around pooping and farting. So congratulations, because we all know couples that talk about poop, stay together.

The Horoscope: Your Sign as a Potato

Have you ever wondered what form of potato coincides with your astrological sign? Yes? Well then today’s your lucky day, because The Black Sheep has created a potato-themed horoscope for your week! You can thank us later.

ARIES — SMILEY-FACE FRIES: Aries has an affinity for all things 90s and 00s, and has probably never missed a Tuesday night out. They are just the right level of crispy, and are really fun at parties. Keep your eyes (and potatoes) peeled for a love interest coming your way this week.

TAURUS — THE MASHED POTATO: A Taurus wears many hats - butter, chives, bacon bits, you name it.

Their classic nature makes them consistently successful, and a good pairing for most other foods. Err...people. Pay especially close attention to detail on the 28th, and remember the old saying: measure twice, mash once.

GEMINI — THAT ONE CURLY FRY IN YOUR REGULAR FRIES: Aka probably the best potato-related thing that can happen to you.

You are full of unexpected surprises and never fail to make others smile. Their unique nature makes them stand apart from the crowd.

Keep on the lookout for a price drop in that thing you’ve had your eye on around the 30th.

CANCER — CHEESY POTATOES: This person is a main course masquerading as a side dish. They’re a little off the beaten path, and take longer to warm up, but in the end, they’re completely worth it. The kind of cheese depends on the person, but usually they tend to stick with the classics. Get ready to dazzle your friends at a barbeque around the 29th.

LEO — WAFFLE FRIES: The perfect pair to almost any meal, the Leo is as friendly as they come. Others get excited when they hear a Leo is coming to their dinner party, and some may cancel plans just to go. Leos are especially great with little kids, but are loved by people of all ages. Keep an eye out for a hot chick(en) on the 4th.

VIRGO — THE SWEET POTATO: The name says it all. The sweet nature and mild flavor of a Virgo instantly attracts everyone around them, but some are more attracted than others. Virgos are also the least salty out of all the signs, literally and figuratively. Get ready for a big opportunity coming your way on the 1st.

LIBRA — MCDONALD’S FRIES: The scales of the Libra are perfectly balanced between salty and soft.

They strike harmony in the golden brown outside and squishy inside.

Make sure they aren’t salty, and they’ll be much warmer. Have lunch with a close friend on the 29th, they’ll want to ketchup with you.

SCORPIO — ROASTED POTATOES: Probably the closest a potato can get to being “badass,” like Scorpios are known to be. They’re lean, they’re mean, and they go great with a side of steak. A Scorpio should be on the lookout for a big change coming sometime this week - and accept it cause it’s awesome.

SAGITTARIUS — HASH BROWNS: You either love a Sagittarius, or you hate them. They’re kinda stringy and crispy...and to be honest, the word Sagittarius just reminded me of spaghetti squash and that’s the only reason why they’re hash browns. Look for a healthy dinner alternative on the 29th.

CAPRICORN — HOME FRIES: A classic form of potato and a funny nickname for your friends all rolled into one. Capricorns are notorious for being the unsung hero.

They are the backbone of many things, yet are often overlooked.

Prepare to shine in the spotlight on the 2nd this week.

AQUARIUS — POTATO CAKES: Hearty and filling, the Aquarius is usually a lot to handle all at once.

Your bold flavor and easy recipe draw similar people towards you.

Usually Irish people. Prepare for good news around the 3rd.

PISCES – CHIPS: What goes together better than fish and chips? And yes, we mean fries, not actual chips. Pisces are a little exotic, but still a classic at the same time. Not one to be messed with, Pisces stick around for good.

Expect a visit from a far away friend around the 4th.

JULIE wrote this

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS

WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A 4.0?

ELIZABETH CLEM

“Anything… I don’t know, strip?”

YOU AND YOUR ROOMMATE WILL DEFINITELY

BE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER Shane Tolley wrote this

Backed by data and extensive research, The Black Sheep has been able to confirm that you and the complete stranger your roommate you met through filling out a survey on the “Virginia Tech Class of 2019” Facebook page will almost definitely be inseparable friends for the rest of your lives.

COLIN RACHNER “Fight a badger.”

When determining that the two of you will without-a-doubt become best friends, we looked at all the things you have in common—the things that resulted in the two of you requesting each other through the university’s housing assignment service. For example, the fact that both of you “really love” Law & Order: SVU and that each of you are really into Indian food is clear evidence that you were destined to share a tiny 11x12 space for nine months, and probably forever.

Further support comes from the “Can’t wait to see you, Roomie” Facebook statuses both of you would post once a week counting down to move-in on August 19th. And despite the fact that neither of you had even heard the other’s voice until that fateful day that the two of you finally came together, your unyielding certainty in this friendship must be evidence that your feelings are completely natural and sincere.

You’ve been through so much together already—laughing at the losers who got assigned random roommates (how awkward!), deciding that you’re definitely going to get brunch every Sunday, or the time that you said you’d bring the mini-fridge, which was perfect because they already had a microwave! You talked about getting an apartment sophomore year a month before move-in—you even looked at rates for two-bedrooms in Foxridge!

And now that the two of you are finally united in your room that you swear looked bigger online, and your friendship is booming. There was a little tension when they had put the photo collage of them and their friends from high school right where you wanted to put your Fight Club poster, but you’ve gotten over that and made sure of it by reassuring them over and over that “It’s okay, I don’t really like that poster anyway. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. I said it’s fine.” And yeah, they may have taken the bed by the window without really asking, but that’s okay you didn’t even want that spot. You’re reminded of how you two are meant to be friends every time you see the bookmark you made for your future apartment.

Sure, they’re not perfect, but you know you’ll come to love all their little quirks and routines. You don’t even mind how they leave their towel on the floor after taking a shower. In fact, you even think the way they chew with their mouth open is a little endearing. And it’s so funny when they ask that you keep it down and turn all the lights off at 9:30p.m. because apparently that’s the time they’ve always gone to bed.

Yep, the two of you are going to be friends forever.

07

SASHA SHARMA

“Study a lot, and work very hard.”

SNAP US! (not your junk)

BlackSheep_VT THE BAR GRID

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ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 1. Television: Vicki Gunvalison, Tamara Judge, Heather Dubrow, Shannon Beador, and Meghan King Edmonds are all the current stars of what TV show?

10 RE UT OF O SC 3 O

2. Money: The Taka is the official currency of what country?

6. Math: What is (62/4) +(8x3)?

7. Food: What Swiss candy company makes Kit Kat and Bit-O-Honey?

3. Literature: Who wrote the short story “The Masque of the Red Death”?

8.Music: What Canadian artist is releasing his sophomore studio album Beauty Behind the Madness on August 28th, 2015?

4. Beer: For what brand of beer was Spuds MacKenzie a sponsor?

9. Space: What is the closest star system to the sun?

5. History: In what 20th century war did the Communist Party of China face off against the Kuomintang?

10. Geography: What is the capital of Portugal?

JOSH KIM

PRESIDENT OF PHI SIGMA PI

Josh’s Answers

Correct Answers

1. I have no idea… I don’t watch TV 2. Malaysia?

3. Edgar Allan Poe 4. Bud Lite 5. I know it’s not the opium war. 6. 39.5 7. Mars? 8. I only know of one Canadian artist: Justin Bieber 9. Andromeda 10. No clue

1. The Real Housewives of Orange County 2. Bangladesh 3. Edgar Allan Poe 4. Bud Light 5.Chinese Civil War 6. 39.5 7. Nestle Nutmeg 8.

The Weeknd 9. Alpha Centauri 10. Lisbon

Student Work Cheerleader Quits to Become Quiet, Quirky Girl

Virginia Tech sells HokieSpa to Answers.com Samantha Drew wrote this

In every coming-of-age rom-com, the dorky-yetlovable loser manages to overcome the random and often misplaced abuse she receives for no reason and stand up to her beautiful and popular oppressor in an anti-climactic, predictable way.

So, it’s no surprise that Missy Duncan, super-hot Kappa Delta and cheerleader at Virginia Tech, developed a fear of being shown up by a quirky, offbeat girl. In order to bypass this embarrassment, the former prom queen has decided to quit the squad after years of dedication, to devote herself to a life of comic books and Converse.

As a new school year approaches with the biggest freshman class Virginia Tech has ever attempted to accommodate, more and more students are realizing the slow, painful agony that comes with signing up for classes and making Pathway Plans on HokieSpa. To combat constant site crashes and perpetual buffering, Tech has decided to redesign the site with help from Answers.com.

“Nobody wants to be rich and pretty anymore,” Duncan told The Black Sheep. “Ever since Zooey Deschanel showed us that wearing 50s style clothing and pretending we shop at Goodwill made us more original, I threw out all my Abercrombie and went straight to that one hippie store on Main Street.”

While Duncan does not recall actually bullying anyone at her school, her friends say that given all her beauty and talent, it was only a matter of time before some boho misfit humiliates her after she wins Sigma Chi’s philanthropy pageant.

“We are all just really glad Missy made this change before she really hurt someone,” said Missy’s cheerleading squad replacement captain. “Once we all found out her glasses weren’t actually prescription, we knew we had to let her go. She’s practically a Gillie’s employee now.”

Many tried to tell Duncan that she could dress like everyone else and remain an individual because of her personality. In response, Missy asked, “How will anyone know how unique I am if I don’t use gigantic over-the-ear headphones while listening to the record player I bought at Urban Outfitters while using my re-useable container for sushi at Turner?”

As more and more popular girls like Missy leave their cliques and Michael Kors behind, the real problem becomes clear: Who will be left to push the shy, nerdy girls to find their confidence and wear dresses to football games if all the mean girls are gone?

Samantha Drew wrote this

“Answers.com has it figured out. Every time you want to learn more about something, you have to navigate through ads to find the next button which refreshes the page. You do this over and over again to make your way through ‘The Hottest Sororities in America’ or ‘Ten Best College Dining Halls.’ Now, HokieSpa will incorporate this technology to make it more efficient for students,” an official for the university said.

“I’m really excited to not have to worry about HokieSpa being so slow anymore,” a junior at Virginia Tech told The Black Sheep. “Now I will always be loading a new page. And this solution is easier than increasing the bandwidth of the site or improving VT-Wireless.”

The ad space will also be a new source of revenue for Tech, which can go towards building enough dorms to actually house all the incoming freshmen and not make them live off-campus or three to a dorm room.

“We are truly thankful that Answers.com has been willing to help improve our websites. With the increased number of page views due to constant refreshing, we can make more money and invent the future,” said another official.

PAGE 10

THE TOP TEN

EARLY ROOMMATE RED FLAGS

A HOKIE GUIDE TO SURVIVING

THE NEW TERM Kayla Schoch wrote this

It’s that time of year again: freshmen are eagerly counting down the days until they arrive to their un-airconditioned, shoebox-size dorms and start livin’ it up Animal House style. Sophomores are coordinating the furniture arrangements for their off-campus apartments—who’s bringing the Craigslist futon again? Juniors have arrived early in the spirit of trying to get their life on track in order to graduate on time. And seniors show up whenever sporting a drink in each hand. They’ve done this thing for 3+ years already.

One by one each Hokie files into Blacksburg with the feeling in the air that it’s gonna be a great year.

Here are some tips on how to do just that: Carry an umbrella with you at all times: Blacksburg’s weather changes more quickly than Apple’s newest iPhone. It sucks walking into Newman soaking wet. Just stuff an umbrella in your bag and save yourself future misery.

Move-in day was full of events for incoming freshmen to pay attention to, not to mention the weight on your mind of unpacking all your things, being in a new place, and saying goodbye to your family.

But the most important task for any freshman, from Vawter to Harper, was to pay attention to the belongings of your new roommate.

10.) A collection of hookahs: Seen with a Bob Marley poster and a Neil Young memoir—you’ve got a year of good vibes ahead of you, unless the smell of incense gives you headaches.

9.) A desk calendar: Seen with a personal planner, a Keurig machine, and a bin of Post-It notes— you’re dealing with The Academic. Be sensitive of the hours they keep and try not to appear too relaxed, or they might see it as a threat.

8.) A large, swirly monogram: Seen with a box or two (or three or six) of nail polish, and an empty scrapbook with big dreams for the year—you won’t have to wait until second semester rush for this sorority superstar to find her people. Establish an environment of mutual respect early on.

7.) A handle of whiskey: Seen with Solo cups, ping pong balls, and little else—you probably prepared yourself for this during the online Alcohol Awareness course, right? Follow for parties, and to make sure any vomit that needs to happen happens elsewhere.

Syllabus week is more like syllabus Monday and Tuesday: By Wednesday, you’re going back to your Monday class, and here’s the kicker: you might have stuff due. Don’t lose those easy points just because you’re under the impression that “easiest week of the year” is synonymous with “I don’t have to do jack.”

6.) More than one computer monitor: Seen with a box of Magic the Gathering cards, and a Keep Calm and Carry On poster—you’ve got an introvert on your hands. Best to give them plenty of personal space. Any mutual gaming interests will help.

Use a planner to write down assignments/upcoming events: Remember those things that were given to us in elementary school—the books our parents had to sign every night? That’s a planner. Don’t do the stupid thing we all do when you don’t write stuff down because you say you’ll remember. You won’t.

5.) A set of color-coded weights: Seen with ninety sports bras or sleeveless tanks, and a pound of protein powder—might be out early, might inspire a week or two of McComas time before you remember that hating yourself isn’t so bad.

Don’t study at Turner Place (and while we’re on the subject, don’t pronounce it Turners): Seriously, if you’re taking up a whole table with your empty Jamba Juice smoothie, North Face backpack, and MacBook Pro as you scroll through Insta on your iPhone 6 Plus, you’ll be the butt of many glares and get shit-talked on Yik Yak. Don’t do it, or be prepared for the wrath of hungry Hokies on the prowl for an open table.

4.) A Pulp Fiction poster: Seen with noise-cancelling headphones and any physical memorabilia from Game of Thrones—bonding time may require listening to lectures about groundbreaking cinematography and foot fetishes. But telling your parents you’re watching movies every weekend is probably better than the truth.

Join clubs that interest you even if it has nothing to do with your major: You’ll meet some of the coolest people, and you never know how it’ll change you. Like unicorns? There’s a club for that. Have a weird thing for Nicolas Cage? There are others who share that weird thing.

Don’t forget that you’re living in the New River Valley: There are so many magnificent hikes and trails to do.

So throw on some sneakers and take your selfie stick. No one will judge you for wanting to take pictures—the views are incredible.

And last, but not least: Get your maroon-and-orange covered butt to the opening game against OSU: Let’s show those Buckeyes why Lane Stadium is one of the scariest stadiums in the good ol’ USA to play at.

Follow these tips in order to make your year as great as a win over OSU. The semester can be grueling, so don’t make it any harder on yourself. If all else fails, the bars in Blacksburg are open 7 days a week, and no one judges people drinking themselves into oblivion on a random Monday night.

3.) Those shoes that have toe holes like gloves for feet: Seen with an ENO hammock, and at least four Frisbees—they probably won’t be in the room much until winter hits. After that point, establish some boundaries for where the hammock can and cannot go in the room.

2.) A contraband snake: Seen with an order form for live rats and a disregard for figures of authority—work with them on any discomforts you may have before going to an RA. But establish a relationship of dominance with the snake early on, just in case.

1.) A life-sized cutout of Zayn, formerly of One Direction: Seen with a “Taxidermy for Dummies” book, and no toothbrush in sight—well, every hall will have a wild card. Try to make the best of it.

There’s no better way to get to know a person (short of living with them in a 15’ x 12’ room for an entire year) than to take a good look at their stuff. In the world of roommates, the best case scenario might be getting the kind of person you never actually have to talk to.

Daron Hennessey wrote this

BOOZE REVIEW Ménage à Trois Berry Vodka Grade: B+

Staff wrote this

After many a horrid experience back when it was the go-to drink simply for being “cheap as shit,” we’ve done a pretty decent job of blocking the hideous fragrances and collective aftertastes of devil’s brews like Burnett’s and Pinnacle. But sometimes, there comes a moment in a man’s life where he just needs, well, a girl’s night. Aptly labeled and named, Ménage à Trois Berry Vodka looks exactly like the sort of juice a red winetoting trophy wife would pour herself several glasses of. Except it’s, you know, vodka.

Smells Like: Berries, but more specifically, the non-specifically vague ones that have to exist in the world of triple distillation.

Tastes Like: Exactly what berry-flavored vodkas should have been tasting like since your first misguided puke caused by them. Ménage à Trois lives up to its French namesake in that it actually earns its French namesake. Not sure about the prospective threesome, though.

Typical Drinkers: - Hardcore grandmas wanting to enjoy Golden Girls with something other than prune juice and insulin.

- The girl in the group who reluctantly accepts an invitation to a “cheap wine girl’s night.”

- A horny desperado who thinks that maybe, just maybe, this will be the night where a liquor’s name doesn’t fail him.

- The “Ha! Enjoy your less than $20 vodka, peasant” vodka connoisseur.

User Comments: - “It… it doesn’t burn… SWEET BABY JESUS, IT DOESN’T BURN!” - “Y’all wanna watch Sex and the City followed

by Predator 2 later on?”

- “Wow, this is so good that I can probably take it strai- UGH, no, never mind.”

- “I can’t believe those two girls slapped me in the face simultaneously. Thanks, Ménage à Trois…”

You’ll Like This if You Like: Coming back to your old, alcohol-based squeeze’s loving embrace, even if it did leave you alone and crying on several nights.

Best Described as the Last Ballsy Line of Defense You’ll Use on a Crush: “Ménage à Trois? Pourquoi, oui, mon chéri.”

What Your Grandma Would Say if She Saw You Drinking This: “Oh, Jesus, sweetheart.

Thank God you came through. This family party fucking blows.”

Common Food Pairing Suggestions: Strawberry lollipops, bonbons, assorted dark chocolate truffles, perfume.

We Mixed With: Coke, Diet Coke, the Tears of Sexually Frustrated Men

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

FRESHMAN 15 SHOTS

FIRST DAY ON YOUR OWN CASSEROLE

With school starting up again, it’s important to get focused but even more important to focus on getting your tolerance back to an acceptable level. This game is sure to give your liver a warm welcome back to campus.

Mommy and Daddy drop you off at school and hightail it outta there before you can change your mind, now what do you do? Forget the ramen, you can make something just like grandma used to make—after she became old and senile and tried feeding you raccoon for Thanksgiving.

What You’ll Need: A good ol’ handle of Burnett’s, a flask, and plenty of perseverance.

Number of Players: You and all your closest friends who you haven’t seen all summer.

What You’ll Need: A casserole dish, (Who are we kidding? You’re not Martha Stewart) or some sort of pot—the baking kind. No, no, the kind you put in the oven. Also, whatever food you can scrounge up for free during Syllabus Week. Probably Papa John’s and whatever else. We used two slices of pizza and a box of fried rice a hobo generously offered us.

Level of Intoxication: You’ll be missing class the next day because of the hangover.

Fatty Factor: 1000% of your daily-recommended value.

How to Play: - Take a shot for all the ambulances you hear called on the freshmen that can’t hang.

- For every icebreaker in your classes, take a shot.

- Every time you step around puke on the sidewalk, drink to that.

- When you see the herds of students wearing lanyards around their neck, take a shot and try not to strangle them with their makeshift noose.

- If somebody asks you for directions, take a shot and appreciate the fact you look like you know your way around this place.

- If somebody asks to borrow your ID for the bars, take a long drink and deny them every time.

Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

- Take the pot and gently place it on a flat surface.

- Throw all the ingredients into the pot so violently that they selfcombine.

- Sprinkle a hefty helping of salt for “flavor.”

- Wait a certain amount of time, you decide.

- Carefully remove from oven.

- Divide into enough portions to last the entire semester.

- Call Mom and cry.

The Game Ends When: You realize you have to stumble to your next class, whatever the hell that might be.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

If the complaining to Mom doesn’t work, virtually every club on campus offers free food during Syllabus Week. Just steal a pizza or two at every session and you can last through most of the semester.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

The Black Sheep’s

Definitive Guide to D.A.D.S. (Day After Drinking Shits)

The variance and veracity of man’s bowel movements after a night of drinking has been a problem that’s plagued our species since the dawn of Saturday mornings. Right up there with life’s most pressing questions — Are we alone in this universe? Is there long-term, tangible meaning to all this?— lies the question Does my butthole sting because a big poop physically ripped it open or is it so toxic that it’s merely an acidic burn? Well, wonder no longer, dear readers, for The Black Sheep dares to take you on an adventure do identify the behavior and cause of 7 different types of DADS. - Quinn wrote this

liquid fire

All morning your butthole has felt pressure building behind it, not unlike holding your thumb over the end of an angry hose. When If you finally reach the bathroom in time, the result is what the male species can only assume what peeing out of a vagina feels like. Only, you know, out your butts.

Cause: You drank a lot, and fast… also you probably forgot to eat dinner.

Whoops! This fire hose of shit will come late the night-of or early the next morning, as your body is reacting quick and aggressively to flush everything out. 2 Steel Reserve 40s – food – body’s ability to absorb water + your intestines pulling liquid to flush the influx of toxins = liquid fire.

Dirtstar Supernova

Also known as the “Wine Cork,” the Dirtstar Supernova turns your butthole into an old civil war cannon, backed up with years of black powder, sediment, and dust in the basement of Fort Dumpter. Suddenly the cannonball comes blasting out surrounded by all that loose sediment. The fort walls are covered in black debris, and the cannon itself is a blown apart.

You’ve got a real mess on your hands.

Cause: The ethanol in alcohol revs up the intestines to push everything through quickly, leaving less time for colon to absorb water, which means watery stool. Plus, you must’ve had one already loaded in the chamber. As your body freaks out and floods the bowels, pressure builds behind that nicely-digested poop like a shaken up campaign bottle. Whatever you’re doing, you better find a bathroom fast, before your dirtstar supernovas inside your pants.

Ground Beefs

First, stick your tongue out, close your lips and make the snake tongue motion while pretending to blow out candles. Then imagine someone browned a pound of hamburger, dumped it in a gallon jug of water, shook it up, then sporadically forced 20-30oz of the watery chunk mix out of a turkey baster 10-250 times a day.

In this scenario, the turkey baster is your tight lil’ buttonhole.

Cause: At least you’ve got some solids now, but they’re disjointed and flooded.Unless you’ve been snacking on granola all night, the lack of fermented fiber in your bowels means you lack the “glue” that binds chunks of poo together, resulting in Ground Beefs.

Hot Snakes

Perhaps the most common type of DADS, the hot snakes are long, brown tubes that flitter out your butthole and coil around the toilet bowl with the fury of a thousand suns. Like your high school girlfriend, they’re thin ‘n windy.

Cause: Hot Snakes form after a combination light beers and fatty foods are given enough time in the dehydration chamber that is your large intestine to solidify more than the prior DADS. However, as you’re gripping the toilet and adding an extra push to exorcise these demons, the extra strain causes your external anal sphincter (the doorway right before the exit) to contract, thus squeezing your poo like an angry toddler’s fist around a clump of Play-Doh.

Black Cement

Remember being a kid on the beach, making drip castles out of wet sand?This is the same thing, only instead of a beach you’re in a moist Subway bathroom, and instead of sand dripping out of your hand into a neat little castle, this is a warm, continuous stream ofgrainy shit being pushed out your whimpering butthole.

Cause: Coupled with all the red wine you drank last night (sugary drinks containing fructose are hard to absorb, and result in soft serve), you’ve waited a long time to poop — maybe because you held it in while Brad took you to brunch. Brad, he’s so sweet~! So while Brad was blabbering on about his high school lacrosse bros, your large intestine was dehydrating and reabsorbing all that toxins in your wine poo. The plus side is the girls won’t hear you splatter the toilet with Ground Beefs, negative side is this shit don’t clean up real good…

Dark Matter

Dark Matter is the most dense, and therefore heaviest, substance in the universe.

Much like your soul as you crushed a second Jimmy John’s sandwich at 3a.m. it’s black, thick, and dead inside. It sinks to the bottom of the bowl, prepped to pull the city’s plumbing system, then the universe, into a bottomless black hole of despair.

Cause: You probably haven’t pooped all day, and that’s not good. The large intestine continues to absorb and recycle the shit in your poop, so the longer you’ve held onto this toxic poop, the worse you’ve felt. This leads to a very dense, very dark piece o’ poop in the bottom of your toilet bowl. That, or you’re a very healthy drunk eater and you just laid a high density, low-fat poo. But we’re going to gamble and go with the prior.

Joe ‘Splosion

Named after a dear friend of The Black Sheep, the Joe Splosion is when you go into the bathroom to alleviate your DADS, but end up doing double duty. You sit on the porcelain throne waiting to evacuate last night’s demons but nausea quickly demands your attention. The walls start to close in, and you opt to hop off the seat, unwiped, to press your temples against the cold tile floor and pray for death. But death doesn’t come, and now bile is spilling out both ends like a porcelain cherub spewing water in a pervert’s fountain.

Cause: You just straight up went too hard last night, man, and now either nausea or the smell of your DADS is sending your body into a last ditch, all-out detox. You fucked up.

FUN FACTS: Alcohol’s Effect on Your Crap Factory STEP 1: Once that third shot of strawberry Burnett’s travels down your esophagus, the absorption of alcoholbegins in the stomach, where it starts to poison the cells and tissues of your digestive system.

STEP 2: As the booze continues to the small intestine, the intestinal cells absorb the bulk of the alcohol. The toxicity causes these cells to lose their ability to absorb water (not good for not having diarrhea), and some cells even die! THEY’RE DEAD! STEP 3: Meanwhile, the enzymes your body normally releases to break down carbs in the small intestine FREAK OUT when it can’t handle the amount of carbs contained in 13 Bud Light Limes, and sort of just say “fuck it” and let all those carbs into the large intestine undigested.

STEP 4: The cell injury and death leads to an outpouring of fluid from the intestinal lining, which is in turn poorly absorbed. Poorly absorbed liquid in the intestines? You probably smell what’s coming next.

STEP 4: Somewhere in this process you’re shoving a shitload of grease and Jimmy John’s down your gullet in which your already-poisoned, hobbling large intestine is still trying to ferment all those carbs.

It’s about here you’ll start farting. A lot.

STEP 5: Your brain finally notices your body is being poisoned, and, literally, opens the floodgates to flush that poison out. The end result is large volume secretory diarrhea, the worst stripper name of all time.

STEP 6: Your body continues to flush the bowels until the alcohol is detoxified and removed from the digestive system. So, the more you drank, the longer you can count on shitting yourself. The good news is, your body is well under way of detoxing itself by your second bout of D.A.D.S.

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THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB

YOUR SUCCESSFUL SEMESTER Well, this headache isn’t quite how I expected to start this semester, but I guess that’s what ya get for pounding a __1__ of __2__ at __3__ rager last night. Actually, kind of reminded me of __4__ pool party over the summer, when I __5__ that one __6__ and didn’t even catch a name.

But this semester’s not going to be like last semester! First class up is…ok, well I missed __7__, but it’s just Syllabus Week anyway, so who frickin’ cares, right? I’ll definitely go to __8__… but it’s all the way over in __9__, so, maybe not.

Enough of class, man. Plenty of time to do the whole academic thing. I wonder what’s even going on tonight. Oh shit, it’s __10__! It’s—that means it’s __11__at __12__! Been waiting for this one all summer. Going to get my good clothes on, going to shave my __13__and I’ll be bringing back a piece. We’ll put on some “__14__” by __15__and tomorrow morning we’ll hit up __16__for some of that good Plan B. Ok, but for real. It’s time to get up and get the whole day going. Well, wait, I forgot I was just about to start another season of __17__on Netflix. Well, maybe I’ll go to class tomorrow.

WORD BANK 1) Container/ volume of booze (bottle/case, etc.)

2) Beer or liquor brand 3) Friend, possessive 4) Different friend, possessive 5) Sex act, past tense 6) Term for guy or girl 7) First class of the year

8) Second class of the year 9) Far-away campus building 10) Day of the week 11) Bar special 12) Bar that has 11’s special 13) Body part 14) Sexytime song 15) Artist 16) Campus health center 17) TV show

FIVE REASONS WHY WINDSOR HILLS IS THE PLACE FOR YOU! 1. SUPER PET FRIENDLY: No breed restrictions, no weight restrictions, and 3 pets per apartment 2. LARGE FLOOR PLANS: From studios to 4 bedroom + dens, we have great options 3. TIME CHECK BUS STOP: Easy and dependable so you make it to class on time 4. QUIET: Relax in your apartment or take a walk around our beautiful grounds and dog park 5. STUDENT FIRST RESIDENCE LIFE PROGRAM: Monthly events, food, games, prizes, and more

200 HAMPTON CT, BLACKSBURG, VA 24060 | (540) 552-1515