The Black Sheep
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Vol. 5, Issue 1
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
8/22/13 - 8/29/13
Don’t Go Solo, Bud!
Join A SOVO Club! BY: The Lorenzo formerly known as Artist You’re new to college. Having trouble making friends? Don’t stay in your dorm staring at your Marilyn Manson poster, hoping he jumps out of it and chokes you to death and/or climax. Instead, head on over to the Siegel Center and have some fun at the annual SOVO Fair! For three hours the basketball court is bum-rushed by booths for countless clubs, food vendors, and unaffordable cable services just waiting for you to surrender all of your free time over to them. Dragging your ass down the street to this event could liven up your whole semester. You might make some new friends. Hell, you might even run into an old enemy from high school. A good, emotionally-scarring rivalry really keeps the blood flowing smoothly. Walk In, Turn Up: As soon as you waltz in, you’re handed a bag filled with swag, such as a tricked-out clicker pen, a yearly planner you can play ratchet frisbee with, and a vile of Shaka Smart’s sweat to wear around your neck. Like an overcompensating steroid user, there are tons of things you can stuff in your sack, so make sure you explore the entire place. You know you’ve struck college student gold when you bag three free t-shirts in the same day! Also, every orientation event gives away raffle tickets, with the winning numbers announced at SOVO. You could win paid tuition, flat screen TVs, a night with Joan Rivers, who knows!? Oh, and make sure you holla at as many hotties as possible; they might be holding a winning ticket. Play your cards right, and you could be banging his brains out in your dorm while Breaking Bad plays in HD on your new 50 inch. Now, we don’t know what you’ll win. But what we do know is, you can’t win if you don’t play, and there’s so much to win! P.S. We heard Joan Rivers opened a bank vault lock with just the tip of her tongue. Don’t sleep. Once you’ve bagged a potential winner, head to the floor and check out the club booths. Freak Flags Sold Here: As soon as you step on the floor level, you’ll have to elbow your way through the crowds to get a good look at all of the clubs. But it’s worth it. You know that embarrassing hobby you picked up during high school that everyone clowned you for? Anime cosplay? Getting dick jokes published (that’s us!)? Genital piercings? In college, no one cares what you do, so long as you own that shit. Plus, there are at least five people who are into the same thing! And another ten who won’t admit it, but will definitely come out of the pro-nerdial closet if they know they aren’t alone. So find your niche, sign up and be weird and obscure together. Or if you don’t find a club you’re into, form your own group. You know the rule: it’s not strange if more than two people are doing it together. Except during a newlywed honeymoon. That’s very strange. If obscure clubs aren’t your can of Four Loko, you can always opt
for something with a little more conformity. Something with Greek letters. Something... evil... It’s All Greek to... Well, Somebody: Only the dedicated few are permitted to join a fraternity/sorority. Well, the dedicated few that are willing to submit to weird, strangely erotic, rectum destroying “hazing rituals” that will seal blood ties with you and thousands of strangers across the country. Once you’ve joined, your brothers/ sisters will know you better than you know yourself, mainly because they’ve been elbow deep in your anal cavity (they call it Tree Trunking, and it’s really quite nice). Yep, there’s absolutely no need for a high fiber diet once you join the Greek life. Nah, we kid. If you’re really into the idea of being a part of a large group of people who consider each other brothas from otha mothas/sisters from different misters, then by all means, do it. Just make sure you’re 100% with the decision. Cuz once you’re in, the only way out is in a box... full of resignation forms. And Preparation H. So if you’re a teenage, clueless, sheltered turtle and you need to come out of your shell, venture out of your spank dungeon/dorm room and head on down to the SOVO Fair! If you don’t find a club you love, you’ll at least find something that piques your interest and/or deeply seated sexual fantasies. Like Joan Rivers’ steel-trapped tongue. Seriously, don’t sleep on that.
page 5
page 4
page 6
I survived love & liquor
How to escape taco hell!
The top 10
Testimonies from the unlucky souls who had to sit in the front row.
That fancy new Cantina bowl is fooling no one.
Summer Movie’s that exemplify vcu’s Havoc
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