The Black Sheep
FR st EE. on .. l er ike ’s 4/2 sign 0 p in et g a iti on .
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Volume 4, Issue 13 • 4/18/13 - 4/24/13
poor/20: nabbing dope when You’re Flat Broke Lorenzo Simpson wrote this
It’s the most wonderful time of the year; it’s time to celebrate the wonderful gift of the green leaves Mother Nature so generously bestowed upon the Earth. What? Hell naw, Arbor Day can suck it. We’re talking about 4/20, the day every bro asks their boss if they can take off work so they can feast upon the stickiest of the icky, the jolly green giant leaf, the Devil’s oregano -- Marijuana! Or Mary Jane if you think you’re Rick James. Larry Hoover. Sniffin Purp. Halleluiah. Oh, but wait just a blunt lickin’ minute. You’re broke! Maybe your check didn’t clear in time, mom and pop said no this week, or your only current job is watching every foreign film Netflix has to offer. Either way, you ain’t got no money in the bank, so you can’t be walkin’ round, rollin’ up stank. Well The Black Sheep cares so much about the college students’ craze to blaze, we “thought up” a couple of techniques on how to bum some bud from a bum or your buds. You could call up your supplier and beg him for a few pinches of the funky stuff, just to get you floating enough to enhance two viewings of Speed Racer. Today is like, the Black Friday for the givers of the green seed. If you’re lucky he might give you a dimebag in exchange for a bullshit essay on the French Revolution, but he’s probably swamped with calls and various “meetings,” so getting a hold of him will be harder than eyeing a snake in the grass. That sweet, sticky-icky grass. So you move onto your weed-smoking buddies. Forget the ones who left for a Wiz Khalifa concert yesterday and conveniently forgot to invite you, because you’re always conveniently broke at the worst time. No, you need the friend who always has a stash somewhere. Sure, their GPAs are more disturbing to look at than Kevin Ware’s leg, but they can get you the weed you need, with speed. Just wait down the street from Snead. But you gotta remember, it’s 4/20. By the time you decide to contact those guys, they’ll be already breaking out the Doritos and philosophizing as to why they have five fingers, or why Charlie Day’s annoying voice hasn’t broken any eardrums yet. Bottom line, they might not answer because they’re more smacked than a bigot at a feminist rally. Oh, what is a poor chiefer to do? Another genius idea would be
Trick your friends into thinking you’re cool!
to invite your grandmother/great aunt/old relative with chronic glaucoma to Richmond for the weekend. Tell her you really want to catch up with her, and make sure to bring all of her medication. Wouldn’t want mawmaw getting too sick during her big visit. Just make them a nice, steaming bowl of ramen, turn Jeopardy! on, and they’ll be knocked out long before Alex Trebek starts asking the contestants for boring facts about their boring lives. After that, grab some green out of the plastic bag, make like John Legend and get lifted. If that doesn’t work (she’s a “pill” person), and you’re about to go psychotic for some chronic, you can always ask your neighborhood homeless person(s). Drop a quarter in their jar, and they’ll point out
420 Blaze It: AN 8th Grader’s first time getting high
You have to trick yourself into being cool, first.
Your first time hitting that blunt? Oh, to be that young again!
every weed spot on the block. You’ll be able to score a few drags off the nice albino gentleman with “Spill Blood or Eat Pussy” tattooed across his chest covered in stab wounds. Remember to smile; first impressions could mean high or death. We’re positive you don’t want to risk your life trying to get a broke buzz. So in the future, plan accordingly. Have an emergency $10 hidden in a drawer you hardly ever use, like the condom drawer. This way, you won’t be flipping out next time, turning streets over to score some five-leaf clover. You’ll be comfy at home, munching on a plate of spicy BoDillaz quesadillas and hot wings, watching 300 to see how much slower it takes Leonidas to punch someone while inhaling that beautiful, budiful, bowl of burning bush.
An end to dine-and-smash how to get free samples without giving it up.
contents page 6: This Week in Astrology
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? firstname.lastname@example.org
We give you tips on how to live your life.
page 6: Top 10: Black Sheep Hazing Rituals These are just the ten least incriminating ones.
page 7: From the Streets what’s the grossest thing you’ve stepped in?
page 9: FroYo: Why? You’re delicious, but fooling no one.
page 10: NBA on TNT Blows Up The announcers yukkin’ it up take it too far.
page 11: We Interview: A Colorado Budtender It turns out you can’t be high all the time to run this business.
page 12: Bartender of the week Ray from The Village Cafe knows every word to “My Boo” by Usher.
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Trick Your Friends Into Thinking You’re Cool! VCU staff wrote this This just in! You’re lame. You’re the last one to get a party invite, but the first one to get hit up for meal swipes. No one ever saves a spot for you in the carpool. People “forget” to text you back, and when they do, they apologize because it was meant for someone else. At this point you’ve realized that you aren’t a certified gold member of the club, you’re more like the one free guest pass they pulled out from under the fridge. It’s time to step your game up and get cool already. Here’s your free crash course in Swaganomics.
Like Good Music: Depending on who you hang with, some genres of music will be more widely accepted than others. People only like Billboard Top 100 songs ironically, or to like, “talk about how stupid and repetitive it all is.” Instead, strive for a vague, up-andcoming indie band that no one knows about, like Flux Machine Picket Fence. Say Pitchfork gave them decent reviews, but “you can’t really trust Pitchfork anyway,” because “you do your own thing.” Say all this while giving yourself a tattoo, and you’re on the F-Train tow Friendshiptown.
Be Hilarious: You need to be able to entertain people. You got to be able to walk in, then promptly turn up. This goes double if your face is a little hard to look at. If you’re funny you’re instantly more attractive. The Black Sheep recommends the corniest jokes you can find on the internet, but quoting old internet memes is also acceptable, as is stealing a funnier person’s jokes or trying to recite a stand-up bit you saw last weekend. The opposite of Mike Tyson in a nursery, don’t be afraid to really throw in a good jab. You can always pass it off as a joke later and make fun of your victim for being “too butthurt.”
Use “Hip” Transportation: You’re also going to need a cool set of wheels if you’re ever going to be accepted. This isn’t just limited to cars, either. Longboards, skateboards, bikes, unicycles, scooters, and mopeds are all acceptable forms of transportation. Just don’t ever get a Segway, unless you ride it around and use it to segue into people’s conversations, because real life puns are one in a million.
Be Interesting: Consider making up stories to make your life actually seem exciting. So you weren’t necessarily the one who spray painted graffiti on the windshield of your principal’s Prius. The real artist isn’t around to claim it, so why can’t you? It’s also a good idea to make up a couple of friends outside of your circle. Use decoy names like Somaya and Jasper. Claim that you party with them on Thirsty Thursday. Make up a story about how you came this close to being arrested once. You’ll definitely earn cool points. Just make sure that you keep track of your lies, and tell them really loud so everyone to hear how cool you are.
Have Body Art: By far the best way to impress your friends is to sit through a tattoo or piercing that you’ll regret by the time you’re thirty. Gucci Mane has the ice cream cone and Lindsay Lohan has “shhh…” tattooed on her finger. How will you be remembered? Perhaps you could get a badass pair of angel wings on your shoulder? Or maybe the name of the soul mate you met in your human spirituality class last semester. And let’s not forget the piercings. There are so many options to choose from. You could follow in the footsteps of Amanda Bynes and get microdermals in your cheeks – she’s got tons of friends!. Bellybutton piercings are also very popular right now. Throw in an ear gauge or 6. It’s up to you! Your body is a canvas! Advertise how
good of a friend you’d make! No matter what route you decide to take, it is important that you fully commit to your role. “You can’t pick your friends, but you can pick your personality… and then your friends can pick you.” – Poor Richard’s Almanac.
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420 blaze it: An 8th Grader’s First Time Getting High Tbs staff wrote this hey guys whuddup my names tyler and i just wanna say i cannot WAIT for the best holiday on earth next to christmas (i wonder if santa ever smoked the ganj lol) to roll in. anyway, 420 is upon us once again and id just like to share with all of my fellow “advocates of the green” out there my first experience getting high last year, which was waaaaay too late if you ask me. seriously, if any1 offered me a spliff at like, age 6 id light dat shit up faster than my man mr. marley (my idol btw). i just figured id do my job as a reborn ENT and spread the good word of the day i went to heaven (when i first smoked basically lol). also, i need to kill some time on my moms laptop while my new video “how to roll a fatty w/o your hands” uploads to youtube. ok so me and my buddies tommy and david (tommy is the chill one and davids the pussy aha) were tearing it up at the skate park after ditching gym class cuz idgaf if i get expelled, wearing gym clothes is dumb as hell. so me and the guys were skating and all of a sudden this high school kid came up to us wearing a sublime shirt, so he was totally ok. then he was like “hey do you guys smoke?” and then tommy was like “yeah” and i was like “a little bit” (even though i had only tried to smoke a sheet of spiral paper in 6th grade) and david said “no thats lame” and me and tommy were like “stfu david” and we all laughed. so then the high school guy (he must have been at least 20 cuz he had a moustache) asked us if we wanted to buy some pot. at this point a choir of angels said “hallelujah” in my ears…lol jk but i was seriously so stoked to be able to trip out finally. the guy said he would sell us a pound of purple strand kush straight from columbia (which is some bufu part of mexico i think, idk) for 60 bucks. like, he would sell us the WHOLE bag. and he said that we would get higher than cheech and chong on holiday in hampsterdam (the original stoners lol love you guys), so there
was no way i could turn this down. so me and tommy put in 20 bucks each and we told david wed beat the shit out of him if he didn’t pitch in (hed probably be a bitch about it anyway like when me and tommy totally had the chance to bang this one freshman chick but hung out with david instead because he needed support because his dad died or some shit). we went back to tommys house with the weed because his parents dgaf because their divorced and they let him do whatever he wants (i wish my mom and dad would do that too, itd be awesome haha) and we sat in his basement while he got his lighter and rolling paper that he printed from the internet (word of advice to all my potheads reading this: google images “rolling paper” and thank me later). david opened the bag and said something stupid like “this smells like my moms spice rack” and then i was like “my dick smells like your moms rack” and me and tommy laughed so hard. then david, because hes such an idiot, tastes a little bit of it and says “no really it tastes like it too” and so i was like “youre obviously high now you dumbass, you cant just eat mary-j like that, right tommy?” tommy agreed with me and we kicked out david for being an asshole lol. so then tommy lit the blunt and took a monster hit but he didn’t puff out any smoke (i think hes just a vet you know) and then he passed it to me. i breathed in like id be doing this all my life and i starting coughing and shit and it was so awful but i blew out the smoke immediately because thats how the weed starts working. after one hit i was in complete nirvana (good band too RIP kurt) and i was seeing colors all over and i was laughing so hard and i was tripping balls at that point. tommy kept saying he wasnt high. light weight lol. needless to say, after the high was gone after like 5 hours, i went back and bought more of the wonder drug from that high school kid. he always laughs whenever i buy from him,
so hes probably stoned out of his mind too aha. so thats my story and shit i hope you guys like it since my videos done and my bitch mom is telling me to get off the computer. peace guys. legalize don’t criticize. smoke weed everyday. highest regards, tyler “cloud 9”
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After This Week in Astrology We Might Have to Issue An Apology
LOL Lolita wrote this Capricorn: Someone’s intentions are looking as questionable as Miley Cyrus’s new image, that’s perfectly fine, focus your serial killer-esque attention on yourself. It’s springtime and you goats love self-regeneration. Start a new project, find some warmth in that heart, but don’t get caught on camera mid-bender.
Aries: You passionate, rambunctious, impulsive little spitfire, you! Happy birthday! It’s your time to shine, and even the weather gods have taken notice. Toss back the Cuervo! Be careful, though. You don’t want to tell anyone how truly awful their outfit is or ask about a nonexistent due date. That tact deficiency looks as good on you as the Boy Scout’s ban on gay anything. Taurus: Have your admirer make you your very favorite dinner with a glass of wine. Buy some Egyptian cotton sheets and role-play Cleopatra and Julius Caesar. You bulls love that shit, and it’ll make you feel better about letting go of what doesn’t serve you. And if Cleopatra/ Julius Caesar doesn’t “serve” you after dinner, then you know what to do. Gemini: Speaking of the two-headed beast, there is a new Bill Gates on the block. Your mind is running wild with thoughts of innovation, sexual innovation. Explain to potential mates your ideas on a “sexual wheelbarrow,” or the “hanging possum,” and you will find sexual healing of the most divine. Cancer: Oh, sensitive crab of a million of moods, it’s self-growth week for you. We know how much you love proving others wrong, but what no one understands is why. Don’t seek to correct everyone. Crawl down from your high dune, accept some criticism for once in your damn life, seek out a mentor, and take some pointers. You won’t sound like such a pretentious bag of dicks.
Black Sheep hazing rituals
The Black Sheep selects only the most creative and sophisticated people to work for us. How do you think we get articles with the right amount of pooping euphemisms in them? Well, once a new hopeful is selected, they go through a harrowing series of hazing rituals to see how down they really are. Here are our favorite, least incriminating ones. 10.) Run into a lecture hall class at Temple: Grab the professor by the collar, look him dead in the eye and tell him, “I just want my kids back!” Find yourself a seat and mean mug for the next 49 minutes. Do nothing else. 9.) Film yourself running down a steep hill in a STOP KONY t-shirt and pastel purple skinny jeans: Email the video to that high school teacher you hate, titled “Look at me now, suckah!” Trust us, they’ll respect you for it. That is, if they don’t mark you as spam. (They will mark you as spam.)
Aquarius: A relationship in your life is in turmoil and you’re concerned that for the first time in a long time, you may have let someone get closer to you than ever before. So have a drink! Get drunk and blab on to anyone who will listen about your never-ending relationship troubles, because we’re all so very interested in hearing them! Pisces: Passive-aggressive, secretly attention whoring, fishy -- your senses are heightened this week. This is the time to take advantage of your indulgent nature. Spring fever has hit and no one spreads their… love… like an uncommitted Pisces. Hit up The Paper Moon or Off the Hookah if you’re looking to get a little contagious and spread your fever all around.
8.) Date a basketball player for 8 months: Dump them, then threaten to release unflattering pictures of them to TMZ if they don’t pay up. We suggest going after Chris Bosh, as he is a very easy target, both for his low self-worth right now and as a literal target (what with the being 6’10” and all). 7.) Flood the VCU Confessions Facebook page: Do it with (mostly) fabricated sexual escapades. Be tasteful about it. You don’t have to 50 Shades it, just go light on the butt stuff.
Leo: April Fools’ continues, as you’re feeling extra mischievous. Don’t go too far or you’ll find karma wounding your pride in response, and we know that without your armor of pride, you are but a tiny kitten. And you know what happens to shameful kittens who play tricks on people? They get eaten. Virgo: Chill out. Luckily for you, most (not all) of your usual pain-in-the-ass behavior fades away this week as you dive deep into the realm of philosophical one-on-ones. Be yourself, even if that self is a Clorox-scrubbing, Facebook grammar-correcting, sarcastic, vulnerable virgin.
6.) Tweet about Honey Boo Boo Child until your inevitable brain cell depletion gives you schizophrenia: If they invite you onto the show, make sure you show good manners and choke down a big, steamin’ bowl o’ sketti. We know the fact that it sounds like the word “scat” doesn’t help the situation, but you gotta fight for your right to write. 5.) On your day with the most classes, every time you have to use the bathroom, you must crab walk there: If or when your teacher asks you why, respond to her in a Christopher Walken accent, “Why does the caged mind of the flower technician eat spam at midday?” Bob your head as much as necessary. 4.) Write ass-kissing appreciation letters to every current member of The Black Sheep: And mean it. We all have low self-esteem and we need this. We really, really need this. No weird stuff either, real compliments. You’re trying to get with The Black Sheep, not some random at the bar. 3.) Get a tattoo that reads “Black Sheep” on your lower stomach, with an arrow below it pointing downwards: You must then join the VCU swim club for two weeks. When someone asks why it’s a “black sheep,” say “it’s different than most” and wink at them.
Libra: While you balance your scales, time is passing. You use your random, quirky commentary as an icebreaker in most social situations, but this week you’re simply masking your crippling fear of having a real conversation. No one but you gives a flying fuck that his third toe is the longest on their left foot, tell us how you really feel. Unless it has anything to do with the mason jars stuffed with old bread under your bed, don’t tell us about that. Scorpio: Your hobby of piercing souls with your eyes is quieted this week. Things may get foggy at work and off the clock with a coworker. Ambitious Scorpio knows that jeopardizing a long-term business relationship for one night of release is about as smart as a freshman roommate snorting coke on the dorm room floor in front of a drunk RA. It will go one of two ways, but both outcomes are sticky. Sagittarius: Archer of wisdom and philosophy, your ego is as big as Adam Levine’s throbbing downstairs confidence. Knowing you, you’re giving out unwarranted advice. If they didn’t ask, must they heed your God complex-imposed wisdom? Keep your wisdom to yourself, and stop telling people that lightly tapping your genitalia will bring them good luck.
2.) Get a dash cam and measure the speed of a pedestrian in the Compass: Once you find a speed walker (or an unusually wobbly walker), strap on your cop siren hat (you do have one, right?) and chase them around going WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO until they “pull over” or duck into a building. 1.) Convince a depressed stripper to turn her life around, and get her a job at The Commonwealth Times: Bland Writing a Make Her Dance!
Lorenzo wrote this
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tbs staff wrote this
Nobody seems to know when it happened. The internet speculates it all started somewhere in New England in the 1970s, but at this point, perhaps finding one cause is like asking a sadomasochist where those bite marks came from or trying to understand the deeper meaning behind Dumb and Dumber. One guess is as good as another. Whatever the true origins of the elusive frozen treat may be, by the early 21st century, one thing has become resoundingly clear: everyone is enchanted by it. Why? What is it about this unremarkable ice cream knock-off that has armies of giggling sorority girls and disillusioned hipsters amassing in swarms to the nearest fro-yo place? No one appears to be willing or able to give a straight answer. Asking any woman between the ages of thirteen and twenty-five proves to be unhelpful at best, there being no reliable way to translate their unintelligible gushing that ensues into proper English. Surveying males has been met with worryingly similar responses. Seriously people. What’s the big deal? It’s yogurt. Frozen. What exactly makes this particular dessert so much more froth-inducing than its more conventional counterpart? They both taste pretty much the same. There’s a notion floating around that FroYo is slightly healthier than say, a bowl of rocky road, but that argument becomes immediately unfounded when you consider people usually use this as an excuse to pile on an extra ounce of the cold cow juice and smother it in a mountain of various chocolate chips, waffle cone crumbles, and Heath bar bits. That’s more than enough to make up for the initial (and
mind you, already relatively small) difference in fat and sugar. Think about that next time you’re “rewarding” yourself for jogging three miles on the treadmill. Kind of defeats the purpose of going to the gym, doesn’t it? How’s about just toughing it out and skipping on the sweets entirely, fatty? Is it the variety of flavors? Because your local Dairy Queen or Coldstone can provide you with an equally wide range of creative ways to experience type 2 diabetes (Oreo Cheesequake, anybody?). And it can’t be the pricing because even a modest bowl of frozen yogurt, given the weight of raspberries you just had to scoop on there, is comparable to that of at least a small Blizzard. You know what’s even more baffling? It isn’t even all that filling. When you tear into a hot fudge sundae or a cherry Dilly Bar, at least you can you actually feel the satisfaction of the several hundred unnecessary calories you’ve just chugged into your body. Fro yo, though? It’s waif-y. Almost like eating a puffy nimbus cloud’s icy turd. If you’re going to consciously support growing out your love handles, you might as well get as much bang for your buck as possible. Clearly, there is no logical basis to go all nutty over this chilly sensation that’s sweeping the nation. Maybe we all just need to take a step back and see this snack for the boring promise of momentary enjoyment that it is. If not, by all means continue stuffing your face. With any luck, it might just kill you.
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Blows up The NBA playoffs begin April 18th, and we couldn’t be more excited. Two months of professional playoff basketball? Fantastic. But we’re more excited for two months of the NBA on TNT frat house yukkin’ it up and slapping Charles Barkley’s face on obese lady-folk. Never in sports history has a studio analyst crew gotten away with 30 seconds of analyzing, followed by 20 minutes of grab-assery. However, their hijinks came to a screeching halt one night, while broadcasting a relatively meaningless Hawks-Nets game. TNT pulled the broadcast from the air, but The Black Sheep DVR’d it, and recorded it on paper for you to witness. By: Quinn
(The camera glides in to focus on the crew, all sitting at the NBA on TNT table. Shaquille O’Neal on the far left, then moving right to Ernie Johnson, Kenny “The Jet” Smith, and finally Charles Barkley. Ernie shuffles paper and looks up into the camera, while the others glance at each other from the corners of their eyes, giggling and taking sips from their mugs.)
Ernie Johnson: Welcome back to the Sprint Halftime Report. I’m Ernie Johnson and with me as always are Shaq, Kenny, and Charles. So if you were watching last week, and we know you weren’t, Charles was having a little bit of fun at LeBron’s expense, talking about his receding hairline and the fact that the headband had been inching backward through the years. And who knows where it will be-Charles: Come on home. Ernie: And basically you were encouraging him to shave, to come on home... Charles: Come on home, shave your head like every other balding black guy. Kenny Smith: (waving at camera) Ay LeBron this ain’t me. This ain’t me LeBron! Ernie: (laughs uneasily) Well, we decided we couldn’t let that go alone, and so we decided to ma-Shaquille O’Neal: ERNIE YOU OFF THE CHAIN! Charles Barkley: If he keep denying his hairline is receding
it’d be like a dead terrorist denying he ain’t in heaven. Shaq: (pulls tie up in the air to resemble a noose) OOOOOOO! Ernie: (snarkily) Even though we’re in the south I don’t think any racists will be hanging you any time soon, Shaq. Shaq: (stares angrily at Ernie) Kenny: (stares angrily at Ernie) Charles: (stares angrily at Ernie) Ernie: (worryingly looks off-screen at the producer) Kenny: (walking off the set) Yo Ern, let’s talk about basketball. Let’s talk about basketball. Shaq: Look when I drink water like this (takes long drink of water, bulges his eyes at Ernie) it mean that water too hot! Charles: If LeBron’s headband keep moving back further and further, and eventuallyKenny: Not me LeBron! I got no part in this! Charles: Eventually that headband gunna pull his eyes back and he’ll look Asian. Like he got a Mandarin hat on, practicin’ tai chi instead of basketball.
(Kenny is off camera, but his mic broadcasts him taking “heavy polls” of Cognac in the green room)
Shaq: (stares angrily at Ernie) Kenny: (off stage) The fuck Ernie? Charles: (stares angrily at Ernie) Kenny: (runs back in impersonating a “jet” with a Jeremy Lin jersey on) Rook at me! I’rm ReBron James! I have tiny penis! (A photoshopped picture of Charles Barkley and Asianlooking LeBron James kissing in a dojo appears on the screen.)
Ernie: (his bowtie spinning) Can we go to commercial! I don’t know what the hell is going on!? Shaq: YO THE ONLY WAY WE CAN STOP THE HEAT IS TO DROP CHARLES AKA A “FAT MAN” MIAMI LOL.
(Sound guy plays stereotypical Asian chimes)
(A picture of Charles Barkley-looking atomic bomb dropping over Miami appears on screen. The room falls silent. All the panelists look shocked, except Shaq, who is spinning in his chair)
Ernie: Guys, hold on, let’s take it down a notch... Shaq: What Ern, you gonna lynch me?
Ernie: ... Ok, well, with that we will bring you back to the action. Hawks lead the Nets 51-43.
Shaq: (putting papers on his head) REBRON JAMES!
we interview: A Colorado budtender Now that recreational use and sale of marijuana is legal in Colorado, weed dispensaries have been popping up everywhere. All you need to legally grow and sell weed is a measly little piece of paper from the government, it’s that easy! We sat down with one such self made man, “BlaisOne,” who went from regular old, cereal-eatin’, Netflix watchin’, maybe occasionally illegally weed growin’ stoner, to a savvy, suit-wearing, legally growing and selling weed business man. By Quinn The Black Sheep: How did you get involved in this business? What were the stages from having the idea to sitting in the store and making a living? “BlaiseOne” the Budtender: I’ve been close to the business my whole life. I started growing around 13. With the medical legalities popping up I came to Denver about three years ago, and started working for local dispensaries. I can’t say there was much transition from seeing the doors open to where I am now. I guess as of now most of us are kind of in limbo, just waiting for recreational to take over. It will take the ceiling off all our businesses and allow us to operate like everyone else. TBS: If you own the business, do you recruit new workers? And what do you look for in an applicant? BlaiseOne: I don’t own it. Don’t really want to yet either. We hire from within, either good friends or quality patients. We look for a true enthusiasm in the industry, as long as you have the ability to learn and as long as you’re enthusiastic about it. TBS: What’s the most-untrue stereotype of a budtender? BlaiseOne: Contrary to what most people think, most of the time we are not medicated when at work. TBS: In light of recent marijuana legalization in other states, do you think it will take long for the rest of the country to follow suit? What is your opinion on current legalization laws? BlaiseOne: I think it will be many years before the federal government overturns this one. There’s too much money in the pharmaceutical companies. Plain and simple. Oh, and god forbid we make some gasoline out of hemp... Fuck our government. TBS: Does your business cook the edibles in house, or do you buy them from a bakery? And how does a marijuana bakery start up? BlaiseOne: To start up you have to have a MIP (Marijuana Infused Product) License. And a certified health inspected kitchen. We used to make our own (and they were ridiculous) but started outsourcing after they made the kitchen law. We didn’t have the means to open a real kitchen for it, so we sold the license. TBS: Do you sell the marijuana directly to customers? If so, have you ever refused to sell to someone?BlaiseOne: I personally do not – I only grow. But we refuse sale to anyone we think is reselling. TBS: Do you get any “employee benefits”? BlaiseOne: Well let’s just say everything from seed to sale is on 24hr cameras monitored by the state, so not in the way you’re thinking. And technically you cant have/give for free. So let’s just say when I purchase anything for myself from the storefront it usually only costs a penny. TBS: Are you worried about the DEA/FBI because Marijuana is illegal under federal law? How does that legal grey area work? BlaiseOne: I am not. We are currently within our legal number of plants within the state of Colorado, and are compliant on everything we do. I don’t think the feds have any interest in us. TBS: Are there routine inspections of your crop? BlaiseOne: No. TBS: What do you net from an average plant? What are the expenses you have to take care of? BlaiseOne: Average plant nets 6 oz. worth about $1200. We currently pay out about 50,000 a month in expenses. Rent, payroll, electric, soil, nutrients, bug spray, etc. TBS: How does the marijuana community decide on names for new strains? Is there any sort of advisory board or do people just smoke it and come up with something? BlaiseOne: There is an actual Swiss seed bank, and to get a phenotype listed and named you have to provide something like 500 stable seeds and some other stuff. But I doubt anyone does that. Some of the older strains have made a good name for themselves, and the newer names are usually growers crossing strains and making up new names. TBS: Funniest/weirdest name of a product? BlaiseOne: Earwax. TBS: How does the cost of legal marijuana compare to buying it illegally? BlaiseOne: Depends on your state, but equal or cheaper. TBS: Have you ever had a problem with people trying to break onto your property and steal your crops? BlaiseOne: Our dumpster gets broken into once a month. Which is silly, like we would throw the good stuff away... Other than that everything has been cool. TBS: What’s the worst part, and the best part, of your day to day workings? BlaiseOne: Worst part is moving thousands of pounds of soil up to the second floor, then back down when it’s used. Growing dope shouldn’t have to be this physical. TBS: Do you have a getting high “routine”? BlaiseOne: I only vape now. O-Pen Vape is the way of the future. If you’re still smoking weed you need to get with the times. TBS: What’s your perfect sandwich? BlaiseOne: Cheeseburger with a fried egg and French fries on it. Bam!
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
The Lords of Salem Opening April 19th
The residents of a creepy apartment complex in Salem, Massachusetts are visited by a 300-year-old coven of witches. The dreadedblonde who is certain her neighbor’s apartment is haunted might just be tweaking, but you can’t deny the negative vibes she feels coming from Apartment 5. Written and directed by Rob Zombie, this film will at least give us the willies.
Pain & Gain Opening April 19th
A trio of bodybuilders in Florida get caught up in an extortion and kidnapping scheme that goes terribly wrong. Really, when do any of those things go right? Based on a true story, Pain & Gain stars Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne “Can You Smell What the Rock is Cooking?” Johnson, as well as some cute comedic relief from Rob Corddry and Rebel Wilson.
Phoenix - Bankrupt! Out April 23rd
This French alternative rock band that scored mainstream recognition with their hit 2009 album Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, are back with their fifth studio album. Fans of their past work might be taken aback by the sounds of Bankrupt!, which the band says is something more experimental than before. Check out their first single “Entertainment” (which still sounds pretty poppy to us).
bartender of the week Ray r. The Village Cafe Nickname: Sting Ray
Favorite phrase: “Short and sweet.”
Age: 25 How long have you been bartending? 4 years Favorite drink recipe: Scarlett Letter (vodka, amaretto, Apple Pucker, Black raz, roofalin)
What’s your guilty pleasure: Curious George If you could hook up with a celebrity who would it be: Emmanuelle Chriqui
Favorite shot: Goldschlager
Favorite bad pick up line: “I would eat your toilet paper.”
Have you invented any recipes yourself? Sex Drive (cranberry, Sprite, triple sec)
Most ridiculous thing you’ve seen on the job: Buttholes being eaten out.
“I dare you” recipe: Homewrecker (Rumple Minze, rail vodka)
Ever hooked up with a co-worker: Yeah. It was great because work was never boring.
What’s your karaoke song? “My Boo” by Usher and Alicia Keys
What’s your biggest pet peeve while behind the bar: When the other bartender actually has a hard on.
Life motto: “Smile, it’s today!”
What’s the best way to get your attention on a crowded night: Boobs.
Favorite super hero: Capitan Underpants Secret talents: Crazy good memory and persuading people
the drinking game:
Craziest thing you’ve seen someone do for a free drink: A straight guy grabbed another straight guy’s ballsack.
recipe for disaster:
Grilled Cheese Pizza
The only thing better than drinking cold beer and eating a hot dog and peanuts on a nice spring day is watching dudes spit tobacco while playing with their balls—er, baseballs. Don’t just watch the fun. Take this game outside and get drunk. It’s officially booze ball season.
Like when Robb Stark married the Frey girl, securing The Twins for the North, this is an unholy union of two unlike things. Will this work out better or worse than the wedding? Let’s hope it’s better.
What You’ll Need: Four kegs and a Wiffle ball and bat. Number of Players: At least 20. Level of Intoxication: Good luck trying to run the bases after this.
What You Need: 2 slices of bread, 4 ounces of pepper jack cheese, crappy pasta sauce, pepperoni, butter. Cook Time: 10 minutes Fatty Factor: If you can convince yourself to eat less than three, you’ll survive to see morning.
How To Play - Split up into two teams. - Set up the kegs in a baseball diamond and have each player on one team stand in the typical baseball positions. - Before any player bats they must chug a half cup of beer. - After chugging, the batter tosses up the Wiffle ball himself and tries to hit it. If he can’t hit a fair ball in three tries, he’s out and must drink for five seconds. - If the player hits a single, he must do a five-second keg stand when he gets to first base. - If the player hits a double, he must do a ten-second keg stand when he gets to second base. - If the player hits a triple, he must chug a beer when he gets to third base. - If the player hits a homerun, he must do a fifteen-second keg stand when he gets to home. - If the player gets thrown out or tagged before he makes it to a base, he must chug half a beer, and he is out. - Once three outs have been made, teams switch sides. - The game continues until nine innings have been completed or a team reaches a predetermined score. The Game Ends When: The kegs run dry or the players are as bad as the Cubs. You suck, Darwin Barney!
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Let’s Get Baked: -Place a skillet on a burner set to medium. -Butter one side of each slice of bread. -Layer the other side of one piece of bread with pizza sauce and pepperoni. -Shred the pepper jack cheese on the unbuttered side of the other piece of bread. -Place each piece of bread butter side-down onto the warmed skillet. -2-3 minutes later, place the pepperoni side of one slice onto the cheesy side of the other slice of bread. -Flip the sandwich each minute for 3-4 minutes, or until the cheese is melted. Unlike a potent mixture of sugar, carbs, protein and cheese to help you power through your day. Without it, you’d pass out from hunger, and passing out just isn’t the same as willingly taking a nap.
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An End to Dine-and-Smash: How to Get Free Swipes Without Giving It Up Annie hall wrote this Alas, fellow students, the semester is winding down. However, there is something serious beginning these last weeks – a mass hunger about to wash over VCU. As swipes run out and students get desperate, what can we turn to? Should we steal from Kroger, beg our parents and employers for more money, start drinking less? Before taking these drastic measures or passing out as you walk/bike/longboard through the Commons, we urge you to be inventive. We urge you to branch out, make friends, and ultimately barter in the name of love and nourishment. At least until the Vyvanse, coffee fueled week of “what’s food?” that we all lovingly know as finals passes. So what can one do to barter for swipes? Online Passwords: For those who really need food on multiple occasions: try giving out something you have a subscription to, like Netflix, Hulu or BangBros. That way it’s a bit of a serious commitment, but not as serious as trading sexual favors. Plus, whenever you’re done with the person, just disconnect all devices from your Netflix and reset your password. The biggest advantage of this is no venereal diseases, “you’ll come to visit me during the summer, right?” texts, or general unpleasentries that come when you trade sexy time for swipes. Sexy Time, yes?: But if you’re really hungry, have no way to obtain food, and are willing to pimp yourself out for swipes, beyond all means! Just do yourself a favor and make sure to price your services correctly. For example, DO NOT accept ANYTHING less than the finest sandwich and milkshake Chick-Fil-A has on the menu for mouth stuff, and do minimal hand stuff for Nao and Zen. If you want to play
it safe, feel free to offer only blowjobs for every other place in the Commons. You, sir/ma’am are a gentleman/lady, act like it when and if you pimp yourself out! Your goodies are worth only the finest goodies! Childhood Nostalgia: If you want to go for something a bit unconventional to trade, buy some nostalgic childhood items like Capri Sun and, we don’t know…Zebra Cakes? Wild Cherry Pop-Tarts? Bring people back to the grade school cafeteria/trading floor, and it should seem endearing enough to encourage nostalgia-loving chumps into buy you something to eat. “Oh my God you have Lil’ Debbie Nutty Bars? I’d trade you like three swipes for one of those!” Drugs!: We have another kind of illegal idea that we don’t necessarily condone either, but if you have some ganj, smoke out a old friend/ new friend/someone you feel is absolutely not a nark, toke up, and head to Chipotle, or Caine’s, or whatever tickles your inclined-to-eatwhatever fancy. What a fabulous idea for turning poor/20 into 4/20! Are we right or are we right? Don’t answer that, we know we’re right. Wisdom: If none of this has inspired you thus far, you could offer to tutor someone in a confusing and miserable subject, such as math or science for swipes. If you’re desperate, help someone with a paper or last minute article for the student newspaper they work for. Just try not to violate the “honor code” or whatever. We are not responsible for you getting kicked out of school. Make smart adult decisions when hunting for food, you guys. Charitable Acts: Feeling charismatic and hungry (although we know that’s damn near impossible unless you’re delusional-hungry)? Offer to hand out papers and flyers for the poor saps who work for 8 &
½ Canal, 1200 Marshall, or The Black Sheep (ahem) in exchange for swipes. Don’t get us wrong we love doing it, but, you know, help is always welcome. Your personal brand: If you’re attractive or just consider yourself attractive, you could use your looks for evil. Like, offer to take someone on a date in exchange for swipes. But here’s the catch -- Friday never has to come! We’re not going to tell you what to do after that, but just make sure you don’t let the poor soul who lets you eat down too hard. Who knows, this suggestion might’ve found you a new awesome friend or maybe even a soul mate. Or not, whatever, we’re not here to judge. Hunger does strange things to a person. So before you delve into some half-baked situations like dumpster diving and urban foraging for food, we hope that you take a good gander at these ideas and try our award winning suggestions. Remember, hunger is a basic human instinct and people will eat other people if they’re hungry enough, so don’t feel bad if you try any of these. We really don’t blame you for pimping yourself out if you must. At the very least, you’ll have a leg up on civilized cannibalism.
The "how high?" flowchart
the madlib: a frolfing adventure What started out as a ___1___ ___2___ quickly turned into the weirdest day since Saturday at ___3___, when Jonah took all that/those ___4___ and found some girl in ___5___ furry boots to give him a ___6___ massage and then rode her around like a ___7___ until the sun came up. Anyway, Jonah and I went out frolfing at noon with a 6-pack of ___8___ and a bit of ___9___, I had my iPod blasting some ___10___ and we were having the time of our lives. We got to hole nine, but it wasn’t the same hole nine we’ve played since we were freshman. We squinted our already squinty eyes and saw a ___11___ wearing a ___12___and holding a glass of ___13___, gesturing for us to come closer. When we froze, he started coming closer. “Hi there,” the creature cackled, not unlike that fat chick from ___14___ who’s legit stalking me. “Why don’t we jump into my… tunnel?” Suddenly a tunnel full of ___15___-smoke and ___16___-colored confetti appeared. “A tunnel? That’s the best you could think of?” said Jonah, that ___17___. The creature was suddenly sitting on our shoulders between us. He handed us his drink, and we drank. The next thing we knew, we were dancing to ___18___ and grinding on girls wearing ___19___, but they were so sexy. We were smiling like ___20___ was giving us ___21___ and dancing our asses off. When we came to, Jonah was poking me on the shoulder and I stopped dancing for the first time in who knows how long. We were on hole nine, with a rather large crowd of ___22___ watching. “Dude, what the hell just happened! I think that weird thing slipped us some ___23___ and we just tripped out for hours!” “Bunch of ___24___, it’s only 12:30!” someone shouted, as we stepped aside to let everyone play and to drink some of our beer. “We’re going to have to get some more of that ___25___,” said Jonah, and we cheersed.
Meet The Staff campus manager Hayley Evans
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pr/Marketing team Lorenzo Simpson, Rebecca Britt Jasmine Kent, Deanna Celmer Kenneth Jordan, Morgan Carey Kelsey Grupp, Meredith Frick
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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