The Black Sheep
FR EE ... lik e sw ste ipe al s i ing nt o you sh aferr fr i . end s’
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
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Volume 4, Issue 12 • 4/11/13 - 4/17/13
The Shenanigans of the Lambs Nathan Heintschel wrote this Think back to your junior and senior years of high school, sift past all the pot smoke, and recall touring various college campuses. These tours gave you a small taste of college, and one of your most important life decisions hinged on your dank-riddled 18-year-old brain. But think about how boring these tours were: Your every move scrutinized by your parents as they watch you absorb the campus, a super bubbly “ambassador” showing you everything except the things that you actually want to see at college, the actual college kids looking at you and the rest of the group like a wandering pack of beings from a past life. It’s time to take it upon ourselves to spice up today’s tours. The Black Sheep believes wholeheartedly in shenanigans, and we encourage our fellow students to employ such shenanigans to show upcoming freshmen that our campus is awesome, not shitty like our neighbors over in Henrico (just kidding… but not really). The Ol’ Switcheroo: First things first, we must impersonate our collegiate rivals to insure that prospective students only like us. Raid the George Mason University and University of Richmond bookstores, and yoink enough swag to properly convince the kids that you are totally not a VCU student. Proceed to curse at the groups, interrupt the ambassador, and maybe even partake in an impromptu roasting session, “Yo your mom is like FAT, kid! GEORGE MASON RULES!” Once the proper ruckus has been caused and two different fathers have attempted to beat you up because you told their daughters that you would like to “hashtag ram that,” make sure to get out of there cursing VCU and the name of Shaka. A second group fully swagged out in VCU gear will then swoop in, apologize for the insanity they have witnessed, and tell them to go to VCU because we will most assuredly destroy GMU and U of R in basketball next year. Bringing up the mumps epidemic at U of R should also prove effective. Finally, make sure to burn the GMU and U
of R gear because otherwise it might reconstitute itself and attack you in your sleep. Costumes!: It’s time to bring back those giant ghetto blaster stereos from the nineties, and to break out that $100 gorilla suit from three Halloweens ago. A posse of gorillas blasting Rage Against The Machine’s “Guerilla Radio” will hit home with pun lovers (everyone knows high schoolers LOVE puns!), and when you get tired of that song put on your Gorillaz playlist. If this costume combo is not possible, it is perfectly okay to substitute the gorilla outfit with the alwayspractical panda costume you keep in your closet. Make sure to practice your roundhouse kicks in the middle of the Compass, maybe even setting up a massive panda versus gorilla boxing match. An impromptu “Harlem Shake” in any of these costumes is also acceptable and highly recommended, as our popular kid, high school sources have told us the “Harlem Shake” has gotten so old now that it’s actually considered vintage. Zombies!: We also need to demonstrate to prospective students how strong our arts and theater productions are. Therefore, we need all makeup specialists on deck, because we need to stage some zombie attacks. Hopefully none of the kids have cricket bats on them, because as we all saw in Shaun of the Dead, one can mess up a zombie pretty good with one of those, and the last thing we need is dead fake zombies. Ripping off Simon Pegg’s finest film is not enough, so we’re going to rip off Zomebieland as well. Since Hostess went bankrupt, the studentTallahassee will be especially volatile. The Black Sheep recommends not giving our campus Tallahassee any pastries from Starbucks, because he will be a method actor, and now you have upset a psychotic zombie killing, yellow sponge cake enthusiast who’s too talented to realize he’s an actor. Prospective students will marvel at his acting skills, but shudder in fear when he drives a hummer across campus.
How to Avoid the Scheduling Blues
Imparting Wisdom: Finally, we must deny the “Shafer Shits” from our prospective students. They have four years to deal with it, but until their first loan check cashes, we need them to think that every day at Shafer is awesome and not bowel busting. Whenever a prospective student walks up to the ice cream machines, casually walk up to them and say “you know what that doesn’t remind me of? My poop after consistently eating from Shafer.” Because you’re a cool college kid taking the time to talk to him in your leather coat
what'’s inside
Why Your Student Organization is Failing
and snake skin boots, he’ll automatically believe you and sign his letter of acceptance on the spot. Now is the time to act, people. These shenanigans need to be properly implemented quickly before the waves of tours ends. We’ve got to get these students stoked to get their VCU on, because more students means more revenue. More revenue means fewer emails about how our tuition is going up.
Viciously Loud Breakup Goes Completely Unnoticed
With scheduling Xanax, duh.
Not enough wet t-shirt contests!
Argument not loud enough to penetrate deafening roar of the meaninglessness of existence.
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