The Black Sheep
Fr ee . ra .. lik nd e f om al s d lin ur g il in l f g fl rom u se kis as sin on g
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUVA
Volume 2, Issue 1 2/6/13 - 2/20/13
What Taylor Swift Song Describes Your Valentine’s Day? Annie Madrigal wrote this
Depending on your relationship status, tolerance level, and/or state of inebriation, the most romantic or obnoxious day of the year is rolling around. During this fateful 14th, it’s common for students to turn to music for catharsis. Who better to turn to than the princess of pathos herself? Taylor Swift has written on just about every single type of crush, breakup, boyfriend, date, home wrecker and age-inappropriate male in the book. The staff here at The Black Sheep has put together a list of songs to help facilitate your quest to the song that most describes your Valentine’s Day mood. “Ours”: Cute! You’re that couple who goes to farmer’s markets on weekends and can’t keep their eyes off each other in class, despite the very un-sexy lecture going on. Lines like “Don’t you worry your pretty little mind/People throw rocks at things that shine” is just PROOF that you deserve all the space on the sidewalk/stairs/ bathroom stall that you need. People just don’t understand! All these lonely disgraces you see moping around campus can suck it because you’ve got that T-Swizzle kind of paramour. “Enchanted”: Just when you were ready to start tweeting about “Singles Awareness Day,” out of nowhere, some girl comes by and compliments you on your noteworthy Patagonia fleece. You break out the Pinterest and start searching “engagement ring” because this is how magic happens! “Enchanted” perfectly captures that feeling the Japanese call “Koi No Yokan,” or the feeling that you could fall in love with someone right when you meet them. See also: creepy fixation. When TayTay sings “I’m wonderstruck, blushing all the way home/I’ll spend forever wondering if you knew,” your heart begins to smile and promise to wear that sweater for the rest of your natural life. “You Belong With Me” or “Teardrops on My Guitar”: Unrequited love is always a classic, be it between childhood friends or a crippling infatuation with a steamy TA who is just enough of a douche to give the illusion of mystery. While a rejected crush is usually something that many people can’t stop talking about, Valentine’s Day can serve either as a beacon of hope to the idealistic or a dark reminder that you are as alone as ever while the subject of your affection has weird monkey sex with their significant other or worse, avoids you all day. If “the only one who keeps you wishing on a wishing star” doesn’t get their act together today, you’ll just have to move on to someone who really deserves you. Or more likely, keep on pining in agony (Taylor style!).
Top 10 Things Not to Exchange on Valentine’s Day
“Picture to Burn” or “We Are Never Getting Back Together”: While you could pick from a myriad of breakup scenarios in Swifty’s repertoire, for the sake of appearing independent without shouting “SINGLE AND LOVING IT” with a glimmer of mania in your eyes, these songs will work to get those recently single through the day. You can sing it as your roommate heads out with his girlfriend or your best friend receives a bouquet of flowers. Go ahead and sing it as you shove someone’s love chocolates into your mouth or even in the bathroom to make it clear that you’re over it! Just save
what'’s inside
Dinner Dilemmas: A New American Story
Really, she’ll think you think she’s fat.
Charlottesville restaurants are not Valentine’s Day approved.
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some for the most appropriate time: When you see all the other couples awkwardly exchanging sweaty plush animals, because it is truly the best time to be single. Whether you’re settling in for a romantic night with a soul mate or a Law and Order marathon, Taylor Swift has your back. Just remember: there are always plenty of other fish in the sea. And by fish, we mean unwitting younger candidates.
Bartender of the Week Emily from Coupe de Ville’s is game to have a threesome with Adele.
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contents page 4: Singles Awareness Day
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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Wear Black. All Black.
page 5: BullS*** Gone Too Far Anna Bickers will not be participating in Valentine’s Day.
pages 7: from the streets What was your worst dating experience?
Table of
page 9: Love in the time of Mardi Gras love was found in a hopeless, drunken place.
page 11: We Interview: Justin Grant Wade Aka, Steve Holt from Arrested Development.
page 13: The Most Romantic of Days It’s sad when Valentine’s Day with your boo consists of catching up on Rock of Love and masturbating in the shower.
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Presumptwous:
A college student’s mistaken belief that a spontaneous threesome will occur during his or her college career. “‘It may have been presumptwous of me to think that I was going to have a threesome with those two girls who sat next to me at Arby’s,” Teddy uttered.
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Singles Awareness Day Spencer Schloss wrote this
For the many of us who are cynical and single, Valentine’s Day is not a celebration of love, but rather a rude call to attention: “Yes, I am still single and slowly developing an affinity for cats,” thinks the lonely UVA sophomore as they stare disparagingly into their bowl of Cap’n Crunch. But don’t let Cupid get ya down. Although his arrows may be missing you every time, that just makes throwing yourself a pity party all the more fun. It’s the one day where you can be relieved of any guilt as you sit on the couch eating pink, red, and white M&M’s, warm chocolate chip cookies, ice cream, and any heart-shaped candy that you could find at CVS. The annual pity party is an enticing affair, but it is time for a revolution for the partnerless victims of the world. Ladies and gentlemen: Singles Awareness Day. How does one celebrate this holiday? Well, the options are numerous, and you even can get creative with your own, but there are a few musts. You must avoid wearing any shade of red, or really any color that conveys love or happiness on this so called “Valentine’s Day.” Actually, stick to wearing black. Covering as much skin as possible is ideal, turtlenecks can be a great addition as well as black lipstick. Those who want to go the extra mile can dye their hair jet black and be a top advocate of Singles Awareness Day. Isolating yourself indoors for as long as possible will assure your avoidance of any gushy couples engaging in unspeakable acts of kissing, hugging, or cuddling. If you so happen to meander from your quarantine and come upon a pair of individuals who are engaging in finger interlocking, commonly known as “hand holding,” you absolutely must run through them and free them from the atrocious bond of their so-called “relationship.” The unsuspecting duo will hopefully see that you have done them a favor, and before you know it will have become two new members to the Singles Awareness cause. As an added bonus to the epic Singles Awareness Day, UVA is accepting applicants for a lavish four-course dinner for one couple, catered by The Local, and judged by none other than Miss
Pizza
Kathy of Newcomb. The application may take some soul searching as there is a poem involved, so you may have to dig deep to seek why you truly support Singles Awareness. Upon winning, it is mandatory that the winner celebrate by attending the dinner solo and consuming all eight courses to make a strong Singles Awareness Day statement (exception: the winner may take Miss Kathy to dinner if they so choose to). As the Gym Class Heroes so eloquently put it, Cupid does have many of us in a chokehold. But this is a move that your dashing looks and cunning wit can easily maneuver. Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you must wallow in self pity or doom yourself to the path of the lonely, creepy cat lady. If you have ever found yourself doing these things, we understand that it happens, but it can be stopped! So join the cause and celebrate Singles Awareness Day with the rest of us sane folk who are sensible enough to avoid “relationships.”
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Things Not to Exchange on Valentine's Day
Chances are you’re going to think long and hard about what to get your significant other on this dangerous day. To make it easy on you, here are some things you should avoid. 10.) Locks of hair: While these were once coveted by wives when their sailor husband left, the intimacy of this gift has been lost over the last few centuries. It is more likely that your having a lock of someone else’s hair will evoke images of Glenn Bishop stroking his piece of Betty Draper’s hair on Mad Men. Be cute, not a creeper. 9.) P90X: Sure, you’ll say “We can do it together,” but all they will hear is, “I think you are the fattest of lards and something should be done about your grotesque obesity immediately.” It’s true, everyone should try to be healthy, but if you try to express that to the other person you may get a workout yourself when you run away from their wrath.
BullS*** Gone too Far Pierce Bishop wrote this So, The Black Sheep at UVA is still fairly new. Hell, this may be your first time reading, but you should know that we try to keep it funny, entertaining, and certainly more bearable than the other shit you read around Grounds. We want to give you humor that appeals to you, the college student who is ready to make everything into a joke because, far too often, life blows, and it’s easier to make fun than to dwell on what’s really bugging us. As fellow college students, our pool of research is you and, if we may say, we do a fairly decent job keeping the pulse. Well, that can’t really be said for other publications. In Clemons you may notice a dust-collecting magazine called The Virginia Advocate next to some hand bills for Kinky Hoos or Youth Soccer Coaching. This magazine, per a cheesy Letter from the Editor, says its mission is, “to empower every group in the University community, despite the institutionalized media’s oppression and marginalization.” Well, damn, they have our vote with that platitude. That’s some political concession speech-level bullshit but, hey, let’s give it a chance, right? Maybe the articles will follow suit? Uh, it seems Anna Bickers didn’t get the memo. She was in it to empower the media members who slack off and only half-ass their research. What better way to stick it to the Cav Daily than to fight their impotent tactics with similarly flaccid ones. In that sense, she also gets a vote… The Daily’s. Once you scrape the dust off, you’ll notice an article by Miss Bickers entitled “Humor Gone Too Far?” in which she goes on to *SPOILER ALERT* claim that The Black Sheep is anti-feminist and male-centric, criticizing two Top Ten lists. We won’t bore you with the obvious point that we take college culture and make fun of it (even though Anna seemed to miss that) because there are much more important things in play. Actually, listen Anna, read our damn front page: we are a college paper ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE, so colorful, insensitive criticism is par for the course. I’m not really sure what convent you walk to class from, sister, but this is how college students are: we make fun of shit that actually happens. We know, you’re very concerned with evil males promulgating a misogynistic, sexist society, swearing
by the Patricia Hill Collins, Maggie Gallagher, and Betty Friedan-signed books in your backpack. Hmm, well if you are going to use this publication as a point of reference you might want to do a little more research into the articles you attack. You see, Anna, those articles you were so offended by…yeah…they were written by a girl. Did you ever think, for just a moment, that, maybe, you know, this female member of our staff wrote the article as a way to critique the culture of college? Yes, it is humorous, but from humor comes a great deal of constructive criticism. Ever heard of, I don’t know, Animal Farm or Catch 22? Mind blown, right?
8.) Magic Mike Special Edition Blu-Ray: When this film came out, there were a lot of groans from men. The beer-bellied brethren is well aware that they have dedicated themselves to lives of cases, not six packs, so they don’t need to be reminded of the shape they are in by an attempt at a movie night. If you think the shock of insecurity will get your man to the gym, think again! He and his other buddies who were casualties to this trick will discuss it…over some PBRs. 7.) Tombstone gift certificates: First of all, your relationship is not going to last that long in this day and age (so get transferrable ones). Second, even if it does, “Until death do us part” will certainly be such a relief for your other…don’t ruin that. 6.) Cubist nude studies of other women: No one is trying to question your artistic skill, but the lady in your life will definitely give you that glare you quiver at if you slip her one of these. And if you think you are Picasso, and let her know you slept with the girl to get her “essence”, beware of thrown objects. 5.) Snoring aids: It is really tragic that your beau snores as much as he does. Excuses will range from “Only when I’m drunk,” to “Oh sorry, I had a cold.” If you’re aiming for the noise reduction route, consider a white noise machine to wash out the noise of, “Your roommates who bang like they’re trying to start a Mormon family.” Or, you know, just become dependent on sleeping pills like everyone else…hello 2013. 4.) Ears: It did not work for Van Gogh. It will not work for you. They do not grow back.
Part of your misunderstanding could stem from your apparent inability to grasp the concept of “sarcasm.” Tragic. Maybe you have tried to seek an education in this field but haven’t been able to get a good answer because you hang around people that make even Chi Alpha drones uncomfortable. Go ask a normal student. The eye roll at you asking “What is sarcasm?” should be an indication of the concept. Let’s pose this, Anna. As you launch into your SWAG diatribe, consider that as long as you take offense to the inclusion of these jokes which reference stereotypes of college culture, YOU perpetuate the idea that anti-feminism, misogyny, and machismo are a reality beyond the satire. Sexism will end when sexism ends, so, as you point your prude finger, continuing to pick that scab will cause it to ooze. You say these gender roles that have been depicted are something “we have all come to despise.” No, Anna, we have all come to despise people who take stuff too seriously and don’t see past the end of their up-turned, holierthan-thou, teetotaling nostrils. If you would take humor as humor and maybe even as a vehicle for constructive critique, you might find something different in this publication. You may find that it promotes changes in culture as opposed to embracing common practice. Or, you know, you could just do some fucking research and not make unsubstantiated claims like the “institutionalized media” you claim to fight against.
3.) Tickets to a musical: Some men like musicals. Some women like musicals. The space time continuum does not allow for both people in a relationship to like musicals. Either A) one of you will fall asleep/be terribly bored during the performance or B) you will rip an Avengers-esque hole in the universe and risk the return of dinosaurs, wooly mammoths, Susan B. Anthony, and Hitler to play himself in “Springtime for Hitler.” 2.) Sylvia Plath’s poetry: Relationships are dysfunctional more or less by definition. Highlighting this fact by sharing Plath’s turmoil over her depressing marriage to Ted Hughes…actually, you should give this gift. Lowering the bar makes it very easy to excel. You are in college; this should be your motto. 1.) Love: She thinks it’s a feeling…with her heart and mind. He thinks it’s a feeling…with his penis. This is irreconcilable. Tell your significant other they are swell and beautiful and this should buy you some time as they become overwhelmed with how cute you are.
black sheep staff wrote this
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Dinner Dilemmas: A New American Story Pierce Bishop wrote this
Going out to dinner in Charlottesville always seems to be such a great idea. The claim is, there are more restaurants per capita in this town (“city” for you precocious folks) than New York City. Yet, the problem is when you get down to it, it is impossible to take a significant other out for dinner, much less get a decent meal that won’t make you want to tear your hair out.
What everyone quickly realizes, whether it is during this recent restaurant week or in random romantic attempts, Charlottesville cuisine will drive you insane…
liqueur?!? Well, shit, when did Charlottesville get so original, rejecting the conventions of traditional American cuisine and French influences? And to think, I was interested in some disgusting filet for myself and bland lobster for my date. What could be more ghastly than something well made and quantifiable? I can only imagine how quickly my date would have run out if I had proposed risotto or rack of lamb from a French restaurant. What shame! It is expected, nay, my duty, to go to a tapas-style place and spend twenties by the fistful on plate after plate of well-presented but wholly unsatisfying food! Ah, yes, the beauty of it! Something so aesthetically pleasing that lacks depth! Truly, this will match the traits I so value in the date I bring. Oh, and how this occasion will be christened a success with the adorable bumbling of a server who knows not the difference between a pinot noir and a cabernet sauvignon but is happy to tell me that PBR will be served in a chalice or a moonshine cocktail will come in their signature mason jars. Mine eyes have seen the glory and it IS the coming of the New American restaurant experience.
Oh, you are unique because you fry pork belly, toss it in your own barbecue sauce, and throw it on a bed of arugula? Damn, never seen that at any of the umpteen “New American” spots in Charlottesville. You also utilize local sausage, corn, and cheese in your exclusive, original, never duplicated appetizer that goes by some name that looks like a Spanish name for a Mexican dish (given all the much needed accents on every other letter)? And you want me to know I can pair it with your creative take on an Old Fashioned that includes orange
No. It’s really not. Chances are, Valentine’s Day dinner with a significant other, potential love, or hopeful slam-piece will include oddly-spiced, not fully-warm food and a server that thinks themselves too wise to deal with your sorry grasp of culinary knowledge… even though they are schlepping cornmealfried oysters on bad china in Charlottesville (sorry, it really isn’t the food capitol it hopes to be). If you’re asking me, go ahead and just make dinner for your date. At least that way when you inevitably break a plate/overcook a steak/burn half the kitchen
Over the past few weeks, “restaurant week” has been raging’ along in Central Virginia (side note: did we all miss the WEEK part of that, you know, singular, “week”?). The deals on three course meals have given the masses the opportunity to get a solid dinner at a place they hadn’t tried before. For the more forward thinking of us, we were able to look ahead to Valentine’s Day and size up what might get us more than just culinary satisfaction.
down it will be cute and endearing, and not another hapless night dropping far too much money on an underwhelming dining experience. Then again, if you thought dinner alone was going to get you the goods, you might want to go the Te’o route and save that poor soul from an experience with you.
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From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What was your worst dating experience? “I talked continuously about an ex.” - Jordan
“He was a real Casanova. He had a girlfriend already.” - Caitlin
“I ended up by myself at a mall food court.” - Paige
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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love in the time of mardi gras Milo Croyd wrote this The moment I laid eyes on her I knew it could never work. My friends said things like, “Dude, she’s like, way older than you,” and, “She has blood on her lips. Dude, she has blood, like, coming out of her mouth.” And you know what? They were right. However, nothing could ever stop me from falling in love with my soulmate. My sweet angel woman. My dear Celibacy Roxxxane Storm. Her breath smelled of the finest cigarettes one could purchase on an escort’s tip salary. Her teeth were like kernels of harvest corn glimmering in the hot October sun. She had a distinguished gait, and walked like nothing in the room could harm her. It must have had something to do with the sizable varicose vein or her long history of reverse-digesting cucumbersized Lincoln logs every Saturday night. Whatever it was that initially struck me, I knew that Celibacy was my dream woman, and was most definitely the most beautiful woman in all of New Orleans for Mardi Gras 2013. My friends and I had been partying for three days straight, and had reached the climax of our Mardi Gras experience at a bar called Muriel’s. Unless you were there you wouldn’t believe the amount of beautiful women in attendance. There were beads flying around faster than you can say “Pediculosis Pubis-infected landing strips,” and the liquor seemed to be pouring out of holes in the wall. In the insanity, I found myself thinking one thing: This wasn’t doing anything for me. I needed something more. After three days of sexual chaos, the standard beautiful woman seemed uninteresting. I needed someone with pizzazz; someone with spice. My friends and I stayed in the bar until closing. The street we walked on was littered with degenerates and drunks. People were sleeping in the gutter and making love on the sidewalk. To be honest, it made me feel lonely. On our way back to the hotel we passed a hot dog vendor and I ordered myself a foot-long.
I was walking and applying the relish on my monster wiener that I tripped on something in the middle of the street and dropped my hotdog. I initially thought it was a discarded sack of yellow onions, due to the unsettling smell and patches of dirt encompassing it. However, I was proven wrong when the most beautiful face I had ever seen emerged from the sack. “URGHW! You woke me up you son of a...” The voice stopped as our eyes met. “Y...you woke me up from a most terrible dream, darling, into a much better one. Say, is this your hotdog?” “Yes gorgeous, it is,” I said as she picked up the hotdog, picked off the glass and band-aids, and put the entire thing into her mouth. “What is the name of this beautiful thing that lies before me?” I asked. “Storm. Celibacy Roxxxane Storm,” She said with a wink. “Say, you got any glass?” I didn’t hear what she said, as I was lost in her bile-encrusted locks, so I simply responded in the positive. “Come with me,” she said. She took me by the hand and led me to an Audi which was parked in a garage. “Is his your car?” I asked. “Something like that,” she said as she broke the driver-side window with her elbow and unlocked the door. And then we banged. We did it all. The flying banana spider, the reverse elephant crawl, the upside-down clap-closet tornado, the corn husker, the flaming clam-cave excavation, the Irish mork bonker, the Pasadena mudslide, and I even had a chance to double-dip the jiggle stick. She opened me up to a world which I never knew existed, and I would be damned if I would let society tell me that this love was forbidden. As we were cleaning the stick shift I asked her something which had been on my mind the entire time, “Celibacy, will I ever see you again?”
“Darling,” she replied, “You know that society could never allow this.” “But...I love you,” I said, tears filling my eyes. “Oh, Milo. That’s wonderful. Go and love some more,” she said and gave me a kiss. I have not washed that taste of tonsil stones and chewing tobacco out of my mouth. I never saw her again after that. She told me that somebody named “Big Ray” was going to be very upset if she didn’t leave. This Valentine’s Day, when all of you are having fun, I will not be going out with a young woman, I will be staying at home, thinking of that one perfect day in New Orleans. Hoping only to happen upon a sack of yellow onions in a couple weeks at Mardi Gras 2013.
how i met your mother
... on facebook graph search.
Kids, it was winter of 2013, when I met your mother. After a rough night spent at Cindy’s apartment, I knew the girl I was after, but only had a few clues to track her down. Something about the mystery behind your mom enticed me, we were so compatible, yet I had never met her. I knew she lived in New York, and hoped she was single, but nothing else. It’s an impossible feeling to describe – knowing the love of your life is so close, but impossibly far at the same time. Marshall and Lily were blessed to find each other in their youth, but I was growing older and lonelier by the second. While preparing for yet another night of futile Google and Facebook searches for “Where is the one I love,” “How to avoid being alone forever,” and “I’m all out of love, I’m so lost with out you” Facebook alerted to me to their newest feature: Graph Search. It told me I could find just about anyone based on their interests, who they’re loosely associated with, and where they have been. Kids, there was a light at the end of the tunnel! All I had to do was let Facebook find all the single girls in New York. So, let me tell you how I met your mother…
laptop dimmed as did my hopes of finding my future wife. Should I stop here, give up my search, and dig out the naked pictures of Robin I stashed away so many years ago? No! This is the quest for true love. This is the woman I love, the woman who will give me two children, raise them with me until they’re roughly teenagers, then make herself scarce for the next eight years as I tell those children the story of how I met her. She won’t have kids to weigh her down, or an exhusband who will steal her away from me at the altar, and she won’t dress up like a slutty pumpkin and leave me hanging at the same damn Halloween party year after year. I’ve silently waited around for girls my whole life, been the nice guy, done incredibly creepy things for them that seem romantic because I emphasize words like “future” and “fate.” I had to dig into my inner-Mosby mole. I had to find my one true love. That’s it! I know what I should do! I should just search what I like, because my future wife will like all the things I expect her to! Females in New York who are 28, college educated, likes dogs, North Carolina, bass guitar, the New York Times crossword, tennis, old movies, lasagna, Love in the Time of Cholera, Otis Redding, and wants a boy and a girl in the near future.
After sifting through hours worth of girls who just didn’t seem to be the right fit – didn’t feel right in my heart -- I decided I had to narrow it down. But how? How was I ever to find my future wife in the largest city in the world? Then I remembered the three objects I had picked up in Cindy’s apartment in a futile attempt to show her how compatible we were. No longer did I have to find out a person’s interests through actual conversation! No need to hang around local bookstores waiting for a girl to show up and miraculously start proclaiming her love for T.C. Boyle, no need to plan elaborate two minute dates with some girl just to see if they like Star Wars as much as me! All I had to do was lock myself in my room, pop on the perfect song to make an otherwise meaningless moment meaningful, and find my future wife on the computer!
Then, kids, I had a stroke of genius! I added another filter – I’m friends with Cindy and she must be too! So I searched that those girls should be friends, or friends of friends, with Cindy! So there she was, kids. Facebook had led me to your mother. What was going to be another night of dry-pumping and subsequent crying, turned into the night Facebook found me the perfect woman – one who meets and exceeds my excruciatingly high standards. A woman who won’t like me for me, but will like me because she is me.
How am I supposed to find true love in such a wide pool? I must be able to narrow it down, I must dig deeper. There must be more to my true love than these three simple interests. Surely I’ve been interested in people with personalities that take more than three words to describe? If only I had snapped a picture of her ankle then done a reverse image search - No! Get your head straight Mosby! The glow of my
we interview: justin grant wade We caught up with STEVE HOLT!... er, Justin Grant Wade, the actor who play(s/ed?) Steve Holt in the greatest show in history, Arrested Development. We had a few cocktails and the interview ran long, so be sure to check out the extended version online to see who he thinks is funnier: David Cross or Will Arnett, what the set of Greek was like, and if he ever banged Maeby. By: Quinn The Black Sheep: How long were you an actor before you got the role of Steve Holt? Justin Grant Wade: I started acting after my mom and dad were notified by my baseball coaches (and noticed themselves) how much I was a knucklehead on AND off the baseball field growing up. My mom decided to sign me up for acting class around the age of twelve. It was a summer kids course at the South Coast Repertory. I was terrified at first but then quickly adapted and continued to take classes there for many years. After that, I attended the Orange County High School of the Arts in California. That’s where I began to grow and appreciate the arts. I didn’t start “professionally” acting, though, until the age of 14 or 15. And by that I mean going out for TV shows and movies, having a manager and agent and whatnot. TBS: What was the audition process? Did they just ask you to say “Steve Holt!” Or did you have more lines? JGW: Funny story. Life comes around, man. I got the call from the casting director from Arrested. They were having trouble casting the role. A casting director that had worked with the casting of Frasier and many other shows I had auditioned for mentioned my name. She had seen me in a production at South Coast Repertory (that’s why I never knock theater!). They had already had four or five audition rounds when I showed up. It came down to a short brown haired kid with a mop top, about a 6’5” Asian fellow in a varsity jacket, and me. You could hear everyone’s reading through the walls but of course couldn’t see. Pretty much everything you see in “Bringing Up Buster” from season one was read. It seemed as though there wasn’t a lot of laughing. I went last. Six people looking at me. Never met ‘em before that day. All of a sudden I’m doing my read and they’re laughing - even after the audition. We said our goodbyes and a LONG 3 days of anticipation later, I had the part. The industry’s funny like that. TBS: What are some projects you’re working on right now? JGW: Right now I’m continuing to audition and keep on acting. I’ve been working on some writing stuff with some buddies of mine. They’re in the industry, and kind of all over the place so it’s fun to have actors, writers, dp’s, directors and producers all coming together to write and they all have something else to bring to the table. But until then, the new Arrested project is a big goal and that’s fine with me. TBS: How did the Save Steve Holt campaign begin, and where has it gone since? Has it been successful? JGW: I guess I have to start with the latter of the questions. I do know what will be going on with Steve Holt. UNFORTUNATELY, myself, and you included my dear friend Quinn, will be kept from knowing. Think of it as we’re the rubber suit guys from American Horror Story and we can’t unzip our creepy fetish shit until May. The SSH campaign pretty much began as a joke with my buddy Robert Adamson. He’s a fantastic visual/artistic designer and fan of Arrested. He REALLY wanted to get me back on the show at all costs, so he designed the site with our buddy Nick Blancharte. I pretty much sat in the wings while they created t-shirt designs, an entire website, art pieces, business cards, etc... It was crazy. All of a sudden, I wake up one morning and he’s texting me that we’ve already been in the Huffington Post, CNN, and a bunch others. Our Facebook fans shot from 60 or so to 2,000. The web can be nutty sometimes. None of us expected that. Next thing you know we’re shipping t-shirts from AZ to NY to Australia. TBS: I imagine people constantly shout “Steve Holt” at you, what’s the most awkward encounter you’ve had with a “STEVE HOLT!” fan? JGW: The funniest would have to be on a treadmill at the gym one time with my gal pal, Brooke. We were finishing up a good work out and we hear something. She said, “Did someone just yell?” Then we hear it more clearly, “STEVE HOLT!!!!” We turned near the door and there were two dudes with shocked faces that were giggling like little girls. I laughed and waved. They gave me the obligatory “Right on, man!” and quickly bounced. Brooke then turned to me and asked, “Do you know who that was?!” I said, “I don’t know. Obviously a big fan of the show!” She laughed and said, “Yeah! But that was (some guy I can’t remember his name). He’s the one that was obsessed with me and asked me to homecoming like 3 years in a row!” I did remember then, and we had a good laugh. Seeing how we went to high school together. TBS: What was your most memorable on-set moment? JGW: A few good ones – too many to count though. Definitely having the conversation with Alia [Shawkat]’s mom and Michael Cera’s mom before I kissed her daughter. Ali’s first kiss EVER was Michael. I was 19 or so at the time, and was watching from the back of the auditorium we were filming in, unbeknownst to me that the lovely parents were sitting in the row directly in front of me. They asked, “And who do you play?” I said, “STEVE HOLT!” They laughed and said, “Oh wow. So YOU’RE the one that’ll be kissing my little girl! I’m keepin’ an eye on you!” She was of course kidding (but not really) [laughs]. It went off without a hitch and we all know how the kissing cousins ended up... until the new season. See his second favorite moment on theblacksheeponline.com! It has to do with David Cross!
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
community Thursday, February 7th at 8pm on NBC
In the 4th season premiere of the cult show that's on the perpetual verge of cancellation, Community is friggin' back! Dean Pelton (Jim Rash) devises a way for students to compete for class space, while Abed (Danny Pudi) stresses about the study group breaking up after graduation. And lucky for us, Chevy Chase is still in the season (save for two episodes)! #SaveCommunity
Side Effects In theaters february 8th
Life is hard, but prescription drugs make it a lot better. When a woman (Rooney Mara) starts taking them to deal with the anxiety of her sexy husband (Channing Tatum) getting released from jail, she realizes that the side effects of said prescription drugs aren't so much fun. Directed by Steven Soderbergh, this film also stars sexy Jude Law and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Sexy, sexy, sexy.
Azealia Banks - Broke with Expensive Taste Out February 12th
Miss Azealia Banks blew up on the Internet last winter with her single "212," making her memorable with her big smile, pearly whites and slick-witted rhymes. She had been relatively silent since then, but is now breaking out with her debut studio album Broke with Expensive Taste. This'll be the test to see if she's more than just a cute girl in a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt spitting raunchy lyrics.
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bartender of the week emily k. coupe de ville's Favorite drink to make: A Grape Ape - It’s 3 equal counts of grape Pucker and vodka, then filled up with Sprite. It tastes like a melted freeze pop. Why does Blacksburg suck: It smells like poop. How do you feel about chin beards: If someone with a chin beard hit on me, it would work 0% of the time. In your private moments, what is your drink of choice: A fish bowl of Chianti. Assume a penis…boxers or briefs: Boxer briefs. I like the leg coverage and the security. Would you have a threesome with Adele: Yes, I could become famous like Kim Kardashian.
the drinking game:
Pregame With Some Puck Hockey fans everywhere are boozing hard and celebrating the end of the lockout. At the same time, the bandwagon fans are still asking what a lockout is. Pregaming with some puck guarantees a great night. What You’ll Need: A fifth and a case for every 2-3 players. Number of Players: As many as you can find who truly like hockey. So, not many. Level of Intoxication: You’ll have a nice buzz on before the last one sounds. How To Play: - Take a shot of beer for every offside or icing call. - Beer bong or shotgun a beer for every fight. - Chug five seconds for every minute of penalty. - Take a shot at the end of every period. - Take a shot of beer for every shot on goal. - Take a shot for every goal. - Take two shots for every time the goalie accidentally knocks the puck in. - Take a shot for every goal your team won or lost by. The Game Ends When: When the game ends. Duh.
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the most romantic of days TBS staff wrote this T’was the morning of Valentine’s Day, the most romantic day of the year, when I awoke next to my girlfriend. She was the epitome of beauty, her face covered in drool and her nostrils flaring with snoring vibrations that kept me up most of the night. I woke her up, as I do every morning, by leaving a mug of mildly burned coffee on the nightstand next to her wheezing, drooling face. But since this morning was special I put a dash of creamer I stole from IHOP in the coffee to mask the burning aroma! I took a lukewarm shower while the love of my life brushed her teeth and went through her typical “mascara-only” makeup routine. But today she pulled out all the fancy stops—today she put on Chapstick. Such a small gesture, one that I knew she had put extreme amounts of thought into, just to make me, and maybe my penis, happy on this wonderful day. As we ate our usual breakfast together of a few-days-expired blueberry yogurt and off-brand cereal, I felt the rays of winter sunlight, as weak as a Terrapin’s ejaculate, stream through the window and catch the split ends of her brown hair. We soon parted ways; her going to class and I gallivanting off to watch an entire season of Rock of Love, eating bags upon bags of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, and neglecting any and all work I had to do for school, my internship, or otherwise. All of this in order to better focus my energy on thinking about her for every waking moment of this blessed V-Day. Upon my sweet lady’s return, she drank a cup of water, sprung from the dirty fountain of the sink (only the best for my love); then she took a nap. I decided to take advantage of her slumber to get reacquainted with “Hand-gel-ina Jolie” in shower #2 of the day. Then I made us some scrumptious cuisine: Easy Mac garnished with table pepper I stole from Newcomb and served in microwave-tarnished ZooPals bowls. She looked utterly ravishing in the flickering light of the TV, as we sat on the couch and finished up Rock of Love. We kept talking to a minimum, preferring to keep to our own thoughts, and eat in a silence drenched with tenderness only comfortable, cholesterol-ridden love can provide. The fire of passion between us was unmistakable as she changed into her worn-in velour tracksuit to do homework while I researched how to solve our impending fruit fly problem. She lovingly wiped Cheetocheese from my sweatpants and reminded me to take out the trash on my way out tomorrow morning.
I returned her doting sentiment by advising she pick up milk and more cheese sticks tomorrow, since we were out of both and since dairy is the key to my heart. The love scrawled between the lines of our words inevitably led us back to the couch where we quickly dove under a blanket—obviously in order to watch the latest episode of The Voice that we had recorded the night before. What an episode it was! We were both so exuberant upon its ending that we agreed we deserved an early bedtime right after we treated each other to, you guessed it, ice cream. We even got a little bad and kinky—and covered it in chocolate sprinkles and caramel sauce! Decompressing from all that frozen dairy, I wandered aimlessly around the kitchen while she went to bed. By the time I crawled in she had fallen asleep, which I didn’t mind. There was love in the air as I crawled next to her, mostly because she was sleeping and I now could exercise the sweet relief of farting. Now that’s true love, I thought as I kissed her cheek and fell asleep, my heart all-aflutter with the promise of another fairytale day awaiting me tomorrow.
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valentine's cards!
As a child it was hard to tell your crush that you "choo-choo-choose" him, or you want her to "bee yours," but that's why there were cheap, perforated pieces of cardboard to do your work for you. As we've grown, our tastes have changed, but our childish demeanors have remained the same. We wanted these Valentine's Day cards to reflect that.
the madlib: my valentine’s day I may not have a significant other today, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to have a kick-___1___ Valentine’s Day. For me, it’s just another ___2___ or whatever the hell day it even is. I have my own traditions that I don’t need no ___3___ tearin’ up my ___4___ and shit, not to mention my ___5___ . I start my day like any normal ___6___ -esque badass like myself would start a day, with a ___7___-wrapped ___8___ and a side of ___9___ chips drizzled with ___10___ , and, for dessert, ___11___ and ___12___ pie. Then I head to my favorite bar, The ___13___ ___14___ . It doesn’t take long before I down a shot or 12 of ___15___ , start groping the ___16___ bartender and shouting on about ___17___ and ___18___ ’s-rights. I end my morning over to the strip club, The ___19___ ___20___. I always get a dance from my girl ___21___ ___22___ , my precious girl. I rarely make it long at the strip club because I’ve never been good at holding my liquor. Good ole’ bouncer ___23___ who could be ___24___ ’s scarier twin gets me a cab, and I make my way home. I roll a fatty of ___25___ , put on some porn, and spend the rest of my day in heaven. I love Valentine’s Day. 7) Deli Meat 8) Cut of Steak 9) Flavor 10) Dressing 11) Exotic Fruit 12) Type of Meat
1) Body Part 2) Weekday 3) Derogatory Female Term 4) Body Part 5) Vital Organ 6) Action Star
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The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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