The Black Sheep
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Vol. 3, Issue 5
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
eaw free. ay w ..lik e’r e the ed oin $100 go 0 np age 25!
9/19/13 - 9/25/13
Fantasy Football: A Tweaker’s Tale
BY: Austin McLaurine It’s been a long time since the Super Bowl, and I have to say, it’s been rough. Without football happening every Sunday, Monday, and Thursday, there hasn’t been anything quite as strong as fantasy football to occupy myself in the meantime. I spent a good portion of the summer in my basement making a mock league so I could practice for when football came back. As a result, my skin tone was a shade lighter and my eyes still haven’t adjusted to the sun. Even though I was the only one playing in the mock league, I still managed to lose. Allegedly, I tried to burn the house down out of anger and my parents sent me upstate to spend the rest of the summer with my grandparents. The traces of gasoline they found were purely coincidental. Now that the regular season has started and most of the withdrawal symptoms have passed, life has gotten a little bit easier. It’s sometimes hard to block out the so-called friends who say “Seven teams is just too many teams to manage at once, bro,” and “It’s unhealthy how much you watch ESPN,” but football is back! I don’t have a fantasy football problem, other people just don’t understand me. I have already accrued somewhat of a debt two weeks in. But that’s alright, I still have the rest of the season to make up for the loss so I can pay the extremely nice guys who are waiting patiently for me to do so. I managed this little snag by leaving for class two hours early (giving me plenty of time to plan for the next week!) and only navigating where there are streetlights, so that I don’t accidently run into my debtors before I make my big win. It has made sitting in those large lecture halls in Alumni Memorial Building a little unnerving. What if someone wants to sabotage my team? What if they know my passwords? No one can be trusted, which is why I have shunned all of my friends, at least until the season is over. Most days seem to be unending, but always start with me waking up in a gutter behind the abandoned McCallister’s on The Strip. This isn’t a problem, because it means I am able to quickly get breakfast and spend a few hours working on my lineup. Every time I walk past Neyland Stadium, the name “Peyton Manning” starts to pulsate in my mind as I become overcome with visions of football. This makes navigating campus particularly difficult, so most of the time I just stay in my dorm. The few times I do manage to make it to class I spend it watching football with the speakers muted. My parents have contacted me numerous times about trying to get me help, but most of the phone calls end in me having an argument with my dad about which of two defenses to pick up. It won’t matter too much if I end up failing out of my classes since that will just give me more time to devote to the league. My friends continually try to get me to take a break and lay off of fantasy football for a while. That would be ridiculous! It’s my life and I should be able to choose to spend it in front of a computer drafting fake, real players. No matter how many times the campus psychiatrist tells me I should visit an institution, I will keep logging on for some sweet fantasy football action.
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Bangin’ on Rocky Top
Song of the Swamp
Bartender of the week
We know that some of you have questions, and we’re here to give answers to that crucial subject.
It’s time to take our Volunteer asses down to the Swamp and show those gators a think or two about football! And hygiene.
Want to slay dragons? Own a pound of puppies? Then go to Barley’s Taproom, because Jacob is the bartender for you
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