Volume 5
The Black Sheep
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The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 5
#ThankfulUT Cory Chitwood wrote this
What do UT students have to be thankful/not thankful for in 2014? The Black Sheep is here with the run-down, so fellow Vols, this year when you go around the familial table saying what you’re #thankful for, remember these things to be #thankfulUT. The new pedestrian bridge connecting Volunteer Boulevard to The Hill: It’s still not perfect since you still have to walk uphill both ways but hey, at least that big pain in the ass is now a smaller pain in the ass—and that’s something to be thankful for. The Haslams: This family has more money than they know what to do with, so they keep making it rain on UT, and for that, Vols can be thankful. Unfortunately most of that money will be spent on things that will be under construction until the 22nd century. Butch. Effing. Jones: This one requires little explanation—the guy is a recruiting machine, he’s leading us back to the Promised Land, and he’s 2-0 against Steve Spurrier. Suck on that, Steve. That Rumorz no longer exists: That cesspool excuse for a bar was a disgrace to The Strip, so we can be thankful that it will no longer be hosting multitudes of horny, drunk freshmen grinding on each other all over its permanently sticky floors every Thirsty Thursday to Slut-time Sunday. Lil Jon: From supplying UT its third down anthem to visiting Vols football practices, this guy is boosting our street cred. It’s completely reasonable to think that Butch Jones and Lil Jon will be popping bottles together when UT finally hits it big. The women working the registers at the Chick-fil-A in the UC: You either understand this one, or you don’t. Either way, have a good day, baby. On the other hand, our glorious university can’t get everything right, so here are some things not to be thankful for, if you’re against the idea of society pressuring you to be #thankful for everything on one day. Jimmy Cheek: Here’s to the guy who has nothing to say when tuition increases while his salary goes up, or when the state legislature is trying to tell the university what they can and can’t do with students’ fees. But you best damn believe that he’ll save the day once college kids start saying expletives at a football game. Thanks for the brave work, Mr. Chancellor. The NCAA: Before UT Basketball Head Coach Donnie Tyndall could even coach a game, he was hit with some serious
allegations and a pending investigation from the NCAA. UT fans have suffered enough – just give us a break this time. And if they’re not gonna do that they could at least take down John Calipari too. All these damn hills: Yeah, walking up and down these things is a pain – but what sucks the most is that every time you walk up one, it’s just another reminder of how out-of-shape you really are as you gasp for air, like a dying fish when you finally reach Ayres Hall. That big, shiny, new dorm: This one is actually a good thing – but if you’re not a freshman and had to live in one of the older-than-dirt dorms (or another not-so-lucky freshman stuck in the Carricks, Humes, Reese, etc.). Seeing freshmen live so lavishly pisses everyone off. UT Parking Services: Just think, there’s a whole department of people at UT (paid by your tuition dollars) whose only responsibility is to go around and charge already-broke college students for parking in the wrong place. And on this campus, there are more no-parking zones than actual parking zones. The logic is flawless. Go Vols.
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REAL THANKSGIVING HEALTH TIPS FROM A REAL DOCTOR
TOP 10: THANKSGIVING FOODS EQUATED WITH SEC TEAMS
HOW TO AVOID THE WORST QUESTIONS YOU’LL BE ASKED AT THANKSGIVING
STAY HEALTHY THIS HOLIDAY SEASON FROM WHO WE SWEAR IS A REAL DOCTOR.
CANNED CRANBERRY SAUCE SUCKS, JUST LIKE THE CRIMSON TIDE.
JUST MEMORIZE THESE ANSWERS AND KEEP TOPPING OFF YOUR WINE.
FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_UTK NOVEMBER 20th, 2014 - DECEMBER 3rd, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM