The Black Sheep UT SPRING 2015: A GUIDE
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Volume 6
Issue 1
Cory Chitwood wrote this Football season’s over, the temperature is down, and you’re probably trying to salvage your grades after a destructive fall filled with partying at Neyland. So what’s a Vol to do during the spring semester? The Black Sheep is here to give you the run down. January: January could bear witness to some snow that could get Ole Man Cheek to call off school for a day or two. This would mean two things: A massive snowball fight in Pres Court that will end with UT Police cars covered with snowballs, and people getting very drunk while sledding down the Hill. Partake in both or you’re a loser. Also occurring in January, the UT Learning Center on Lake Ave. will be holding a kindergarten open house. Because nothing makes more sense than hosting 5-year-olds on the same street where everyone throws down their open containers before going to The Strip. February: By this time of the year, you’ve already given up on your New Year’s Resolution, you’re seasonally depressed because of Knoxville’s winter weather, and your motivation for class is plummeting. So what’s a Vol to occupy his/her time with? Apparently, not much. The coolest UT events in February are UT Gardens’ seminars on how to grow certain kinds of plants. Seriously. Don’t get too excited, stoners – not that kind of plant. February will be bland and therefore a month of functioning alcoholism. Luckily, it’s only 28 days – so don’t be a bitch about it. March: March will be incredibly frustrating. One day it’ll be a beautiful spring day fit for shorts and sorority girls lampshading. The next day, it will be arctic weather that will make you wanna set yourself on fire. By this time of the year, Tennessee basketball will either be making you proud, or deeply depressed. Should the latter happen, just look at Coach Tyndall’s wife for a pick-me-up. Spring break starts the 13th, which means most of the UT populace will be destroying a catastrophic amount of brain cells in the ever-so-classy Panama City and that your Facebook feed will be filled with girls taking pictures of their backsides on the beach “throwing what they know” with their sorority sisters.
PAGE 5 WHICH TRECS NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONARY ARE YOU? GOOD LUCK WITH THE LIFESTYLE CHANGE, BUB.
April: If you’ve made it to April, you’re on the homestretch (or just another month closer to being a college dropout). Classes end the 24th, so make sure to get all those last-minute desperation emails to your professors on the 23rd. This is also the time of year that Adderall dealers start spiking their prices. Supply and demand, chumps. Thankfully, UT offers a study day as a buffer between classes and finals on the 27th. Which means you get an extra night to party on the 26th. But don’t even try to land a spot in Hodges;
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it becomes the biggest unincorporated city in the state of Tennessee during finals week. May: Final exams end the 5th, and by the time it’s all over you’re going to feel like a zombie and your number of shits to give will be at an astounding zero. Freshmen will go home to adjust back to life with their parents, others will stay in Knoxville to take summer classes they failed in the spring, and seniors will graduate on the 9th then enter the real world after 4 years of drunkenness at a party school. Whichever category you fall into, The Black Sheep will be your guide when you get back.
PAGES 10-11
TOP 10: CAMPUS LIFE LESSONS
RESOLUTION REVOLUTION
WE HELP EASE THE TRAUMA OF CRUSHED EXPECTATION WITH A LIST OF REALITIES TO SET YOU STRAIGHT.
WE SCROUNGED UP 7 APPS TO HELP MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON IN 2015.
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