The Black Sheep
AB
Vol. 4, Issue 14
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
FR UZZ EE... L ON IKE C AS UN ATCH DAY ING MO RNI N G.
4/17/14 - 4/23/14
THE BATTLE OF THE BURRITOS AUSTIN McLAURINE WROTE THIS Forget the war on terror and all that crap happening overseas, the real war is occurring right here in Knoxville. Did you shiver a little bit reading that? Don’t worry; all you need to bring to this war is your hunger for the greatest American invention of the last thirty years: casual Tex-Mex dining. This fight is more vicious than you might expect, it’s waging a war on an emotional level. Look around; how many restaurants that can be described as Mexi-centric are near you, dear Knoxvillian? In this day and age, it’s a number accurately described as grande. On The Strip, Chipotle and Moe’s face off every day. Each business has their defenders, and the aftermath of these arguments end in black beans and rice violently spilled across the ground, a seat full of delightfully-spiced meat, with some pico de gallo splattered on the wall for good measure. The crumbs of a thousand crunched chips litter the floors of dining halls all across Knoxville. Each day as this ugly debacle continues, more salsa is senselessly spilled. Friend groups have split over where they are going to dine; One person votes Chipotle because their meat is raised on an open range, but gets shot down because another person vows by Moe’s free side of chips. Yet another person deems Salsarita’s the burrito master because of their dedication to making a fresh entree complete with free guacamole and perfectly-seasoned chips. Even still, some swear by Oscar’s Taco Shop and say all who deny their omnipotence are merely blasphemers. It doesn’t really matter who defends what, no one will agree on a place to get their faux-Mexican fix. What results from this senseless warfare is a Friday night devoid of any sustenance wrapped in tortilla. Pizza places are called while all parties are in tears. Papa John’s garlic sauce is drank as a way to dull the pain of indecision. Lone wolves can be seen on The Strip wandering into Jimmy John’s as they question their own belief in burritos. Burgers are quietly eaten as friendships are slowly torn apart like a poorly-sliced quesadilla. The ugliest thing about this war is that those fighting in it don’t realize how volatile it is until they’re only eating the loaded hash browns at Waffle House as their primary source of food. Thankfully, there is a solution to this problem that doesn’t involve a group vote: take-out. If everyone agrees not to discuss their choice of fulfillment
then the arguments cannot happen. The mask of ignorance is a beautiful thing: it allows one to believe that their friends’ burritos are one in the same as those that are being ingested themselves. Test groups in Knoxville have been given unmarked takeout boxes of their preferred burrito and the results give hope to a future free of guac-and-sour-cream-filled warfare.
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A COLLEGE STUDENT’S EASTER EGG HUNT
TOP 10 BEST EASTER ACTIVITIES TO DO WHILE HIGH
LOOKING FOR YOUR PANTS AND PHONE IS A LOT LESS FUN.
IT’S TIME TO MAKE THOSE EGGS LOOK REAL TRIPPY, MAN.
If your friends have recently suffered from the tragedy of burrito warfare, there is hope. It will take time to heal the bonds that have been strained by lettuce and queso, but with some perseverance we can be back to arguing over television rather than spending all weekend debating about where to eat. The great burrito question may never be solved, but at least now we can work on an answer to that question in harmony instead of division.
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PAGES 10-11
JESUS OF BLAZERETH EASTER CONVENIENTLY LANDS ON 4/20 THIS YEAR, WHICH MADE US THINK SOME DEEP THOUGHTS, MAN.