Vol. 4, Issue 12
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
FRE E LOS ... LIKE SO F YO M O U R UR NIN BRA G T CKE HE T.
4/3/14 - 4/9/14
CHEEK FOLDS DINING DOLLARS GAMBLING DEN AUSTIN McLAURINE WROTE THIS
Hot off of spring break, thirty-seven students have been arrested and charged with participating in an illegal gambling scheme on campus. The illegal gambling den was found running shop in an abandoned computer lab located in the bowels of Presidential Court. The names of the students in charge of setting up the ring have not been released. The gambling ring was discovered after a student complained to the finance office that they had lost all of their money to other students. When asked how he lost the Dining Dollars he responded with a long drawn out “uhhhhhh” and vague, evasive answers. University authorities were immediately notified and Jimmy Cheek’s private squad of gangbusters was let loose on campus to uncover the ring. Upon the discovery of the converted computer lab, an officer vaguely recollected the room’s existence, noting, “In the late 90s I had seen a bunch of people in there once with loud music and weird costumes, but I assumed it was just the current trend and that they were studying. Kids have always been weird.” The other officers nodded in agreement. Members of the ring— students and faculty alike— had found a way to transfer Dining Dollars into each other’s accounts and were using them to gamble on games such as poker, blackjack, and water pong (those in charge decided to observe the dry campus rule). Suspicion arose when students were buying multiple meals a day from Rocky Top in the UC, drawing attention to their fat electronic wallets. Rocky Top had also started to attract a group of students reminiscent of prohibition-era gangsters who would stay in corner booths all day, strong-arming evasive losers who owed vig and using antiquated phrases like, “whaddaya say?” It is also rumored that there are currently counterfeit Dining Dollars floating around campus; the school has alerted the Secret Service of the threat. They didn’t really seem to care. An investigation into who actually started the ring has brought few answers to the surface, but Mr. Cheek has also been accused of setting the operation up, only to have lackey students take the fall. By bringing an end to it, he was able to safely back out of the misdeed without being caught. The Black Sheep received records of his Dining Dollar account use and we can report a large quantity of his money has been spent on overpriced snacks from the POD markets across campus. When questioned about the accusation, Cheek responded “The house always wins... uh, I mean that’s what happens when you get in with a rough crowd. A lot of poor students lost a lot of money. And who doesn’t like buying ice cream
candy bars multiple times a day?” It is yet to be determined what will happen to those in charge of running the gambling ring and the many students and faculty who participated in it. However, since it can be assumed that the university doesn’t want to lose and students—therefore losing valuable tuition money—they will probably all be let off with a warning and left to deal with their significantly reduced Dining Dollars for the duration of the rest of the semester. We can only hope that this doesn’t spark an attack on the non-freshmen and their carefully hoarded stores of All Star accounts.
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PAGES 10-11
JUST THE TIPS: A SPRING CLEANING GUIDE
CALLING YOUR BLUFF ON CALLING QUITS
TYRION LANNISTER’S GUIDE TO COLLEGE
EITHER CALL YO’ MAMA FOR HELP OR GET THEM KNEES, BOY.
YOUR DREAMS OF DROPPING OUT OF COLLEGE ARE ABOUT REAL AS YOUR ID.
DRINKING BEER AND SCREWING? IS THIS WESTEROS OR COLLEGE?
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