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The Black Sheep

FR E go E... in lik g to e Vo be ls if ga we me kee tic p s ket uc s a ki ng re !

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 1, Issue 10 11/15/12 - 11/29/12 @blacksheepUTK

recalling the history of thanksgiving utk staff wrote this It’s been a while since we’ve been taught the history of Thanksgiving. If you ask most college students, their alcohol-riddled brains will recall whatever they learned in kindergarten or - from Pocahontas. But never fear! We are about to do the same thing! We all know a bunch of religion-defecting, buckle-wearing, teadrinking British pilgrims sailed over on the Mayflower and landed on Plymouth Rock. But what happened next? They were in a foreign land where they didn’t know the landscape or the resources available. They didn’t even know which berries were poisonous and what poison ivy was, so basically, they were screwed. That’s where the Wampanoag Indians came in. Twenty minutes after landing, the starving pilgrims writhed around Plymouth screaming at the top of their lungs for some tea and scones until one outstretched hand grazed the roots of Grandmother Willow, who sang them a song about listening to their hearts. And, suddenly, they could understand the savage Indian language! The Indians graciously took the ignorant pilgrims under their wing to show them that corn isn’t gold but something you eat, bears aren’t for riding, and all that sort of stuff that Indians learned from living there since dinosaur times. And, just around the river bend, the pilgrims learned that Virginia wasn’t a desolate wasteland filled with savages, but a bountiful paradise with slightly tanner friends. The Indians thought of the pilgrims as dumb, stupid-hat-wearing, pale-faced pets that they could play with. There wasn’t much tension at the beginning, with each party sizing up the other as basically harmless if any brawl over the women were to bust out. The Wampanoag seemed peaceful enough, and they decided to reach out to the white brothers so as to not summon any bad spirits for leaving them stranded. Good guys, those Wampanoags. When the Wampanoag taught the newcomers all of their secrets about growing corn, killing deer with bows and arrows, and painting with the colors of the wind, the two groups decided to come together in brotherhood to celebrate their good harvest. The first Thanksgiving meal lasted seven and a half days, with two days sandwiched in between for pooping purposes. It was a fabulous occasion, as the pilgrims and the Native Americans dined in harmony, except of course for the kid’s table, which consisted of crying babies in papooses and repressed teenage angst.

How to Turkey Bowl Make sure you’re in top shape to shut up Uncle Mike this year

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The meal itself, which is often portrayed as a Bobby Flay wet dream, was far from perfect. Since many of the pilgrim women had no idea how to cook a duck, many pilgrims attempted to eat the animals raw, or even alive and wriggling. Food was flying everywhere in an attempt to get nourishment to the hundreds of people present at the feast. The evening ended with a lovely display of fireworks, as patriotic music played in the background, accompanied by moans and wooden flutes. Spices and herbs were abundant, and it’s safe to say that the situation got a little out of control. It wasn’t picture perfect, guys. It was gross, and they all got diseases from uncooked meat. Puke and diarrhea was everywhere, and the pilgrims started questioning whether there really was a god. And now this has evolved into eating turkey, which they didn’t even

what’s inside

eat then; watching football, which they definitely didn’t play then; and arguing with your relatives over who gets the last slice of pumpkin pie, even though Betty Crocker was just a little sperm inside John Crocker’s balls. So there you have it, the truth behind the first Thanksgiving, as told by people who base their historical fact on the Disney movies and kindergarten reenactments they haven’t seen or reenacted in thirteen years. So as you gorge yourself with a five-course meal and doze off into a deep sleep in front of the boob tube, just know that the tears of the Indians forever modified in the turkey are what cause your body to shut down and go into zombie mode. Give thanks to those early diseases and Andrew Jackson – we wouldn’t be the America we perceive and mostly love without them.

collegiate thanksgiving dinner

bartender of the week

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Not going home for Thanksgiving? Pig out with beer and cheap food!

Matt at the Tin Roof is slinging Purple Platypuses and meeting bitches.

contents page 5: Top 10: Items a Woman Should/Should Not Pack for Thanksgiving Break

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults?

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use these tips so you can prove you don’t need your mom to pack for you.

page 7: From the Streets

Table of

Is the best part of Thanksgiving the family time, the traditions, It’s the food.

pages 10-11: turkey time! What did your childhood hand-turkey say about you?

page 12: drinking game & recipe for disaster Beer, meat, and cheese: the Thanksgiving trifecta.

page 13: Thanksgiving in 3000 Thanksgiving isn’t only about turkey; it’s about racism and family drama. Thanks, pilgrims!

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A popular quote or turn of phrase that transcends annoying, to become repugnant. “There once was a woman named Coco/Who always would shout out, “YOLO!”/Then one day/All her friends went away/Because holy shit, that lamerick is crazy annoying.”

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How To: Turkey Bowl

Scott Gantner wrote this

Many of us partake in the time-honored tradition of playing football on Thanksgiving. It’s as American as apple pie topped with bacon bits. For a good number of us, this gathering of friends and family for a low-stakes game always seems to end up as an embarrassingly passive-aggressive affair. It combines all the forced interactions of a family gathering with the cut-throat competitiveness of playing Monopoly with your sworn enemy, or for that matter, playing Monopoly with anyone. Good news: It doesn’t have to be this way! Here are a few simple steps you can take to get the most out of your Turkey Bowl. Cardio: You hate to hear it, but you should work out more. Let’s face it, you’re not in the same shape you were in high school and that pack a day habit is only helping Mr. Philip Morris. The best way to you give yourself the upper hand against Billy Anderson’s bump-and-run coverage is to have the lung power to run the length of the field more than once. Cleats: That’s right, you’re gonna be that guy. In late November, the grass is muddy and slippery. Wearing cleats to a pickup game might earn you a few funny looks, but it will also give you the ability to change directions. Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be Chris Johnson? You can find out by reversing the field and watching defenders stumble as their old gym shoes fail to grip the earth, making them look like a bunch of top-heavy mouth-breathers. Guard the Slowpoke: Oh look, Uncle Jerry is still limping from his knee surgery. You’re gonna want to start trash talking him about forty-five minutes before the first snap. Really lay into him. Bring up childhood sporting failures, receding hairlines, impotence, anything and everything. Eventually, he’ll fire back some comment about how he used to earn medals for getting rid of kids your age in Korea. First of all,

he’ll be way out of line, and you’ll get the crowd on your side, but that’s not the point. Now that he’s taken a shot at you, it won’t seem strange when you demand to guard him. You just earned a day free of playing defense. At this point, ease up on the trash talk. That Korea rant sounded a little too real to be made up on the spot. Hitch and Go: Alright, you spent the first half running a bunch of curl routes (this will be important later) and playing nice. Everyone has finally stopped laughing after the ball hit Kevin in the nuts. The moms have grown bored and left to start peeling sweet potatoes. Now it’s game time. The goal now is to show some real football skills. Everyone will be chomping at the bit to make a big play, and you’re gonna use this to your advantage. Tell your QB the plan in the huddle and follow these steps closely. At the snap of the pigskin, run eight yards right at your overanxious defender and stop. Turn back and look for the pass. The QB will pump fake right at you. As soon as he does, the restless cornerback will jump out in front of you. You immediately turn upfield and sprint toward the end zone as your co-conspirator at quarterback lofts an easy pass into your arms. You just scored a backbreaking fifty-yard touchdown and took the lead. Now is the perfect time to do a sexually suggestive dance. Get Drunk: If all else fails, and it’s pretty clear that you’re the worst athlete on the field, crack open the cooler and don’t look back. It turns out that your hand-eye coordination is less than spectacular. You might as well get blasted and see if it improves. At the very least, no one will blame you for dropping an interception if you’re struggling to walk. Some may say the game is not about who wins, it’s all about having fun. Well, those people are pussies, and this Thanksgiving they’re getting an ass-kicking.


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The Top 10

Items a Woman Should/Should Not Pack for Thanksgiving Break

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For those of us who don’t have a 45-minute drive from campus to mama’s house, we have to pack our things wisely. It gets easier every year ‘til you end up bringing a few shirts, undies, and a pair of pants, that’s it. Less is more! But if you’re a girl, less is less and you need more or you’ll die. Here are the top 10 things to pack or not pack to make your travels a little smoother. 10.) Stay Away From Sweatpants: You have four more pairs in your closet at home because you before you left you realized were going to school in the ball-burning south. You’re thinking it’ll be so cold back north that you simply must pack the only sweatpants you have at school because the ones at home burned in a fire, or vanished or something. Rookie mistake. 9.) Boots? Don’t be an Idiot: You will be there for 4 days. There are no occasions coming up where you’ll need a plethora of outfit choices to enjoy, because you’re only seeing the 15 cousins you don’t really know and drinking with your Aunt. Thankfully, they don’t care what you look like: they saw you when your mom picked out your outfits, and thus they’ve seen you in neon green kitty cat overalls. Boots take up way too much space and chances are you will spend most of your time home sleeping in your bed. 8.) Shampoo is a Must: You used up all your shampoo and conditioner before you left for school, because you bought a brand new giant bottle to take with you. So if you don’t pack any, you will be using your mom’s nice shampoo and she will get real annoyed of your long-ass hair using it all up. We understand it’s annoying for carry-on purposes, but sacrifices must be made. 7.) Bring at least One Extra Day’s Worth of Undies: You can never pack enough underwear and it doesn’t take up that much space. You know there isn’t a pair waiting for you at home, so do yourself a favor and bring like, 20 pairs. Shit happens... pun intended. 6.) Schoolbooks? Leave ‘em: Listen, every time you go away you think “You know what, sitting at the airport would be a really good time to do some homework.” No, when you’re sitting in your terminal all you’re worried about is not looking like a loser without anyone to travel with, and being paranoid about saving all the battery on your phone for the plane. You’re not fooling anyone, Mr. Trying to be a Good Student. 5.) A Nice Outfit is Necessary: You never know, your parents are excited when you’re home and they sometimes like to take you out for some unexpected hibachi. There’s always room in your suitcase for some classy duds. 4.) Forget Your Movies: It’s hard to be away from your collection, but you must not touch them because it will only lead to you looking like a turtle with a massive deformity. Movies in your backpack take up all needed space for other important things like your laptop, and, let’s be honest here, you’re not going to watch any of them. Your parents have Direct TV, unlike your broke college ass. 3.) Smart Packers Pack Smell Good: But seriously, if you’re one of those people that can’t just rely on scented body wash, you better get yourself some smell good and bring that with you. You are going to miss it. It doesn’t take up any room and it makes you feel prepared to take on any awkward encounter you will inevitably endure with your family. If you smell better than them, they sense that and are like, “Oh they’re fancy, don’t want to speak to them.” 2.) Bring Two Pairs of Airplane Clothes: Sometimes it’s easier to just bring one pair of airplane clothes but let’s be real, when you put those same clothes back on, you get a sudden overwhelming feeling of depression knowing all the bullshit that awaits you back at school. So to save yourself from a really long, sad ride back to school, bring an extra pair of plane clothes. Plus, it’s less gross. Planes have like a million germs. 1.) Running shoes? Because you’re going running, right?: No, don’t kid yourself. You don’t work out much when you’re at school, what sudden jolt of energy would drive you to take time away from your parents’ big screen TV and work out in the cold basement? You walk to class everyday, this is your break from having to exert yourself any further than going from the couch to the kitchen.

katie vaughn wrote this

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collegiate thanksgiving dinner on a budget Emily Hagenburger wrote this For whatever reason – maybe you live 10 hours away or you just hate listening to your grandmother drunkenly yell at your father for the whole dinner – you’ve opted to stay in Knoxville for Thanksgiving. Well, never fear, because there’s still a way you can celebrate what’s really important on this day: delicious food and… something about the Indians and the pilgrims, without enjoying the usual meal with your family. Here’s The Black Sheep version of Thanksgiving dinner, complete with all the essentials of a traditional Thanksgiving meal, but with a collegiate twist.

that are just like grandma used to make (if your grandma’s a shitty cook). For fans of sweet potato casserole, we recommend just skipping the sweet potato part and eat the tiny marshmallows that usually go on top of the casserole instead. That’s the best part anyway, right? You’re eating alone, you don’t have to answer to anyone.

The Turkey: While turkey is obviously the central component of a Thanksgiving feast, some of us may not have ovens, let alone know how to use one for anything other than a warming frozen pizza. You may want to learn this recipe: Beer can turkey! Incorporating our favorite liquid into our food? What more could a college student ask for? The theory is quite simple: just take a can of beer and shove it inside the turkey. The best part is, you can drink the rest of the Budweiser twelve-pack while you wait – talk about fun cooking! To make this more cost effective (or if you’re only cooking for one), you can get a Cornish game hen, which is basically just a tiny turkey. Baste that thing with a half a Red Bull can full of beer and you’re set! Or just drink all the beer and make some microwave chicken nuggets. Whatever, it’s your party.

Cranberry Sauce and All of Those Irrelevant Vegetables: Who are we kidding, nobody in college eats vegetables. Seriously, do any of you make a side of asparagus to go with your ramen? We didn’t think so. You know you wouldn’t eat veggies anyway, so take advantage of this being the first year since you were two that your mother didn’t yell at your for not eating all of your broccoli. As for the cranberry sauce, we’re pretty sure even the adults never actually eat that.

Mashed Potatoes: For this, the cheapest and easiest thing to do is to grab a bag of the microwavable instant mashed potatoes. They’re like magic. You put the mix and some water in a bowl, stick it in the microwave, and in like ten minutes you have fluffy mashed potatoes

Stuffing: So this stuff is basically just bread. Tear up a piece of toast and put some seasoning on it. We’re in college, we’re not that picky. You got to do what you got to do to survive in this life. And if that means breaking down the deliciousness of stuffing into its basic ingredients, well, it’s for the betterment of student kind.

Pumpkin Pie: The traditional dessert of Thanksgiving, this is too complicated to make by hand and you’re tired of cooking after all the microwaved chicken nuggets and marshmallows. Just drive by McDonald’s and get two little pumpkin pie things for a dollar. And with the money you’ve saved, you can go buy more beer and get drunk enough to forget about the fact you just got part of your Thanksgiving meal from McDonald’s. This might sound sad, but… well, it is. So there you have it, a comprehensive list of all of the Thanksgiving

essentials, tailored to fit a college student’s needs and wishes. And if all of this still seems like too much for you to handle, whatever. You’re probably just going to end up drunk dialing your family before eating Cook-Out for your Thanksgiving meal anyway. I wonder if they have a pumpkin pie milkshake?

From the Streets


Got a question you want us to ask?

What’s your favorite part about Thanksgiving? “Making turkey hand traces with my family.” - Patrick W., Junior

“Obviously the FOOD!!” - Kevin S., Sophomore

“The reprieve from classes and getting to prepare a massive meal with my family.” - Amy H., Junior

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WED. 11/21

it’s turkey time!

Remember those amazingly hideous hand drawn turkey’s we loved to draw as a child? You know, where you traced your hand on a piece of paper, used the brown crayon to color inside the lines, and maybe add a sloppy beak? Well we rounded up some of our favorite imaginary tikes to check out their drawings, varying in personalities from extremely talented to extremely worrisome. By: Brendan and Quinn

The Future Serial Killer

The Hardcore A.D.D. Kid

What You’re Seeing: A perfect storm. A child with no regard for the feelings of other living creatures, an open willingness to act on these desires, and a lack of understanding of their wrongdoing - all in cutesy turkey form.

What You’re Seeing: “Teacher says I have to draw a turkey but did you know about airplanes? They go fast and so do lizards I like snakes so sometimes I draw snakes and this swirl means this finger is actually a portal to—hey, do you know who the 13th president was? It was Millard Fillmore, his name sounds like a duck, which is actually a mallard with an ‘I,’ did you know some lizards have three eyes, well they do and…”

Initial Reaction: “Oh look, Billy made us a cute drawing! Let’s put it on the refrig — Billy, give mommy the band saw.” This Kid’s Future: As Billy begins to mature, so will his art. In junior high he’ll master the human skeletal system, and be able to accurately sketch the different parts of the human skull, frenetically letting anyone within earshot know, “that the human skull is actually made up of fourteen bones fused together—the pterion is its weakest part!” In high school Billy will discover American Psycho, learning to quote it from memory. As he moves on to college, students on campus start to disappear. One day police will knock politely on his door, hearing a low, “Come in…” emanate from the other side. When they enter Billy will be joyously sitting in a kiddie pool full of blood, watching reruns of Ancient Aliens, waiting patiently to spend the rest of his life in the slammer.

Initial Reaction: “Well Thomas, this certainly is…some things on a piece of paper. Here, have some pills.” This Kid’s Future: After diagnosis and proper medication Tom lives a relatively normal life void of manic highs and crushing lows. As Tom’s parents leave him at college he vows to figure out life for himself, and begins weaning himself off of his pills. Some days things are brighter than they’ve ever been—other times he can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. After a particularly crippling bout with self-loathing he decides to self-medicate with his roommate’s psychedelics stash, thus beginning a long-term love affair with the Grateful Dead. Eventually he starts following a Grateful Dead cover band around the country, drawing trippy caricatures of audience members for $5 a pop, or a hit of acid, whichever they prefer.

’ ’ The Protege

The Early Puberty Little Asshole

The Refugee from a War-Torn Country

What You’re Seeing: The genesis of genius. First, hand turkeys, then real turkeys, then jive turkeys, then the world! Initial Reaction: “Quick, are there any shady art schools that will accept hush money to get this kid into advanced classes like, right now?” This Kid’s Future: After Karen graduated from the Rhode Island School of Design at 16 she emancipated herself from her family to join a troupe of polyamorous artists on a voyage across the Sub-Saharan Africa. She changed her name from Karen to Sonoria, because that’s what her spirit sandwich told her to do. She finally ascends to the world’s stage in her early thirties, fulfilling her potential with the epic work, “We’re All the World’s Turkey,” in which she makes a statement on the globalization of genetically modified foods by duct taping rotten turkey carcasses to oversized globes. For this, she won a Nobel Prize.

What You’re Seeing: Two weeks ago this kid discovered his little needle dick was capable of doing other things besides peeing. And now, the little bastard can’t get it out of his mind. Initial Reaction: “Wow you did a very nice job shading – wait a second… GET THAT DOWN FROM THE COCK I MEAN CORK BOARD NOW!” The Kid’s Future: He’ll grow taller than everyone in his class, and his mustache will sprout shortly after. Girls will be drawn to him, as he excels in youth football and isn’t shy to talk about his erection in public. He’ll start banging everything imaginable, from vacuums to pantyhose boxes to his grandma’s plastic couch. Nothing in the world matters anymore, sex becomes an obsession. In high school he gets into a habit of “hitting and quitting,” but since he entered the wonderful world of sexploration before being educated, he leaves a wake of disease yet to be encountered by mankind. You see, as he was humping away his adolescence, fungus combined from the couch, refrigerator, vacuum etc. into what will become the next Black Death. This kids is Patient Zero.

What You’re Seeing: This place has electricity and running water all the time? How does it get any better than this? Initial Reaction: “I’m—I’m crying because this is just so beautifully terrible!” This Kid’s Future: After getting the last flight out of Tripoli before shit really got real, Samir ended up living with his aunt and uncle as a refugee in the United States. His first Thanksgiving he’d never seen so much food—he’d swear he’d make the best life he could for him and his family. Years later he became a naturalized citizen, later becoming a outspoken community leader who really fuckin’ loves turkey.

The fatty fat fat fat

The poor poor kid

What You’re Seeing: The wildest fantasies of a morbidly obese child come to life. This hand, with which I eat food, is now food? Initial Reaction: “Boy, take that paper out of your mouth. You know that’s not really food, right? The Kid’s Future: To ring in his 24th birthday Luther decided to hit up his local Taco Bell for their latest treat: The Cheesy Bacon Bean Bucket, 3,000 calories of maximum deliciousness. Exiting the store Luther began to sweat profusely, and he was forced to take a seat in the middle of the parking lot. Luckily, two paramedics in an ambulance were in the drive-thru lane, and they offered him their assistance. A brief jaunt to the hospital and several x-rays later, it became apparent that young Luther would need extensive heart surgery to unblock some clogged arteries. He died during surgery. Luckily, his fatty body helped create some of the most delicious Soylent Green ever created.

What You’re Seeing: “The assignment told us to use crayons but mom melted all our crayons and breathed in the smoke so I found some lead by the railroad, but then I lost my folder and it got lost in the grocery bag I use for a book bag. “ Initial Reaction: Well, he’s doing the best he can with what he’s given, but if his hand turkey is any indication of the turkey he’ll see on Thanksgiving, it looks like it’s going to be another year of Capri Suns and cigarettes for poor Jimmy. The Kid’s Future: Teachers will root for him as he does his best to attend as much school as he can. In high school he’ll drop out to take care of his younger siblings while logging a few online art classes at the local community college. Eventually he’ll knock up whatever else didn’t move on to college, instantly losing interest in each of his subsequent children. At one point his son will bring up a drawing of a turkey, but he’ll use it for a coffee coaster, telling Jimmy Junior all the turkeys are dead so they’re getting peanut butter for dinner again – but in the back of his mind he’ll remember his turkey, and how he too once dreamt of a career in art.

The Kid Who Will Repeat Sixth Grade (Four Times) What You’re Seeing: Hey, turkeys have eyes and mouths too, so this drawing isn’t all wrong, okay Picasso? Initial Reaction: “Sarah, this is a great drawing of…the Hamburger Helper mascot?” This Kid’s Future: At seventeen Sarah lost interest in the fate of Mr. Seuss’ green eggs and ham, so she decided to quit school, opting to try her hand in the workforce. After getting fired for trying to cook a steak in a tanning bed Sarah figured a life in the sex industry might be for her. She cashed her first paycheck from Brazzers -which was for more money than she could count, literally—and she realized this was the life for her. After a few years of hardcore ATM, TAP, DA+DV, QLS, OFF and LRW she retired rich, happy and stupid to a trailer park in rural Alabama.

page 12

bartender of the week Matt E. tin roof Relationship Status: Single

Best tailgate beer: The Silver Bullet

Best drunk munchie food: Cheesy Poofs

Best part of bartending: The friends… AKA BITCHES.

Favorite show: Dexter

Dreamjob: A Sherpa

Best hangover cure: Blue PowerAde and to just start drinking more.

Pet peeve: Drunken idiots

Superhero: Aquaman Favorite videogame: Mario Kart for Nintendo 64 Favorite book: Game of Thrones Favorite drinking game: Fuck the Dealer

the drinking game

blackout friday

Worst night to bartend: St. Patty’s Day Favorite sport: Caber Toss Favorite pick-up line: “Does this smell like chloroform? “ Best liquor to shoot: Crown Royal Signature drink: Purple Platapus

Recipe for Disaster

meaty fumble

Doesn’t going to the insanely crowded mall at 5 a.m. on Black Friday with every psychotic soccer mom in town sound like a hell of a good time? No, actually, it doesn’t. Going on a booze run, hitting up the mall around noon, and taking a swig every time some shopper does something nuts is so much better.

What’s better than some hot, cheesy, meaty dip to complement your favorite beer while watching your favorite football team? Nothing. Well, maybe a quickie during a commercial break, but that’s about it. Instead of letting all that meat and cheese go bad in your fridge and stink up your apartment, make a dip that will over-satisfy your produce and dairy cravings.

What You’ll Need: Beer or hard alcohol and something to conceal it in (unless you don’t mind those mall cops angrily chasing after you). Number of Players: In the spirit of the holidays, the more the merrier! Level of Intoxication: It’s called Blackout Friday…

What You’ll Need: One package of cream cheese, one container of sour cream, as much meat and cheese as you can handle, a cup of some type of chopped veggie topping (tomatoes or bell peppers are best), lettuce and a package of taco seasoning. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: Oh, like you even care.

How To Play: Take a swig of booze every time… - You witness a fender bender in the parking lot. - You see some punk-ass kid get away with shoplifting something useless. - Two women get in a fight over the last item on the shelf. - A fed up sales associate quits after being hassled by crazies all morning. - You hear someone brag about how they have been shopping since 4 a.m. - You see a screaming child left in a shopping cart. - You see a boyfriend or husband that’s been stuck holding his woman’s purse. - You see someone frantically drinking Starbucks for more energy. Game Ends When: You’re too intoxicated to be in the mall any longer so you stumble to the nearest bar.

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Let’s Get Baked: - Combine cream cheese, sour cream, and taco seasoning. - Spread the mix at the bottom of a serving plate. -Take whatever meat you have in that nasty fridge of yours-- whether it’s pepperoni, ham, bologna, lamb chops, it doesn’t matter! Cover the mix with meat. - Take whatever cheese is in your fridge and cover the meat. - Make it somewhat healthy by adding a veggie topping and lettuce. - Sit back, relax, crack open an ice-cold beer, and shove you face with the meaty cheesy concoction. Make sure you are using fresh ingredients. You don’t want to vom from eating bad meat, you want to vom from eating too much good meat!

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page 13

Thanksgiving in 3000:

Looking Back on an Antiquated Holiday phil keller wrote this Thanksgiving has come quite a long way since that first awkward, interracial feast. Apparently, the pilgrims were smart enough to sail all the way across the Atlantic, but were starving because they couldn’t grasp the complexities of corn, maize, or corn mazes. The Indians felt sorry for these sad sacks full of smallpox, in their fancy boy buckles and pantaloons, and helped them survive the winter. This act turned out to be the biggest backfire in history right next to George Lucas trying to resurrect the Star Wars franchise, and Kevin Federline’s parents’ decision to drink too much wine and play a few rounds of “tickling and dickling” in 1977. In the years since the first Thanksgiving, the holiday has gone from a tradition of corn and blunderbusses, to football, awkward family tension, and the customary racist comments from grandparents. If this trend continues, the future of Turkey Day is going to be very different from the holiday that we now know and enjoy. Check that, the holiday we tolerate… through the awesome power of alcohol.

turned the room’s attention into light banter about what the Titans should’ve done, examined from every possible perspective.

One thousand years in the future, our robot overlords have done away with most holidays, for they have no practical uses. However, our most logically programmed animatronic leader, President-Kingand-Tyrant Barack Robotma, still permits the celebration of Thanksgiving for the time being. In the year 3000, the turkey has gone the way of dinosaur and Pogs, and the preparation of all of the traditional Thanksgiving food has been thought of as inefficient. So, in the future, the entire Thanksgiving spread has been condensed into a single convenient suppository. With the application of a little lubricant and a few seconds of severe discomfort, you can enjoy turkey, potatoes, gravy, beans, corn, cranberries, and three kinds of dip - effectively putting a whole new spin on the word “stuffing.”

In the future, we gather around and watch actual Megatrons seismically spike footballs into literal, genetically manipulated New York Giants on Thanksgiving. Fortunately, the players can entertain for hours without needing rest, so gone are the days of enduring atrocious halftime performances, which, at present day, seem to alternate between geriatric douches like John Cougar Mellencamp and Madonna butchering “God Bless America,” or boy bands that wiggle their tiny dongs around for five minutes. Of course, last year all bets were off when we had to endure ten minutes of Nickelback during halftime of the Lions’ game, as if the city of Detroit hadn’t suffered enough.

Football used to serve as the centerpiece of the day, for it distracted the conversation away from your loud, compulsively gambling uncle, as well as diverting attention away from Grandma saying she’s worried that your half-Pakistani boyfriend of three years is only going to marry you so he can steal you back to his country (she says this in front of him, too, thinking he is her old butler). Yes, football has

Dearest readers, enjoy Thanksgiving while you can; for there may be a time in the future when we our cyborg overlords work us to death in the krypton mines and we have nothing to be thankful for or even get the day off. So this Thanksgiving, relax, grab a beer, and overeat until you hate yourself. Cherish this feeling, because the future is scary. Just ask Grandma - you can bet she didn’t plan on living to see a filthy moke president re-elected.

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the classtime “Hi there, and welcome to the 2130 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade! I’m your host, robo-__1__. I’m here with my beautiful co-host of a revived corpse, __2__! Say ‘hello!’” “Hello to all our viewers out there!’ To think, just a little over 100 years ago, I was too busy __3__ to even eat a Thanksgiving dinner, now I’m hosting the parade!”

madlib: Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade 2130

“And look what we have here, __10__! A float for the 137th installment of __11__ franchise! According to my notes, in this laugh riot the gang travels to the __12__ of the __13__ in order to get __14__—who was convicted of trafficking __15__ to the world’s most powerful country, __16__—back to __17__ in time to __18__ his __19__. It’s a surefire blast!”

“Enough with the introductions “Now here comes a classic—the tur__4__, let’s take a look at what this key balloon! As it turns onto 6th Avparade has to offer!” enue it—Oh…oh god! Oh god, no! The turkey has burst into flames! It’s “First up today is the wonderful beyond belief! Beyond imagination! __5__ balloon! Can you believe the I can see celebrity balloon handler company chose to brand themselves __20__ running for her life. She— with a __6__? The company really she’s not going to make it! People took a turn for the worse __7__ years are taking shelter in the brand-new ago, when founder __8__ revealed __21__ Building! This is a day that that he’s actually a __9__.” will live in infamy. Oh, the humanity!”

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A 6-Course Dinner featuring to Celebrate the Season!

Fourth Course: Terrapin Wake And Bake Cask Smoked duck, sherry-achiote glaze, sweet onion pudding, succotash Fifth Course: New Belgium Lips Of Faith Biere De Garde Seared beef tenderloin, red mole, tortilla salad, ancho chile and honey vinaigrette, jalapeño jack whipped potatoes Sixth Course: Brooklyn Black Chocolate Stout Chocolate tres leches with apple buñuelos

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First Course: SweetWater Festive Ale Barbecue and molasses spiced shrimp, rosemary and sweet potato biscuit, plum and onion jam Second Course: Yazoo Sly Rye Porter Cider glazed squab, tomato dill aioli, sweet onion pudding, succotash Third Course: SweetWater Porter Curried crab salad tostada with mango chutney and black sesame seed vinaigrette Fourth Course: Yazoo Sue Cask-Conditioned with Olive & Sinclair Chocolate Smoked duck, fennel and orange marmalade, blue cheese polenta, red eye gravy



Big, Bold and Festive Beer Dinner December 3rd, 2012, 7:00 PM $55 per person

Fifth Course: New Belgium Brewery Lips of Faith Vivant Biere De Garde Seared beef tenderloin, red mole, tortilla salad, A 6-Course Dinner to and Celebrate ancho chile honey vinaigrette,the jalapeñoSeason! jack whipped potatoes Sixth Course: Brooklyn Black Chocolate Stout Chocolate tres leches with apple buñuelos

First Course: SweetWater Festive Ale Barbecue and molasses spiced shrimp, rosemary and sweet potato biscuit, plum and onion jam Second Course: Terrapin Moo Hoo Cocoa dusted squab, fennel and orange marmalade, blue cheese polenta, red eye gravy Third Course: SweetWater Porter Curried crab salad tostada with mango chutney and black sesame seed vinaigrette Fourth Course: Terrapin Wake And Bake Cask Smoked duck, sherry-achiote glaze, sweet onion pudding, succotash Fifth Course: New Belgium Lips Of Faith Biere De Garde Seared beef tenderloin, red mole, tortilla salad, ancho chile and honey vinaigrette, jalapeño jack whipped potatoes

Call for reservations, (865) 637-4663 Sixth Course: Brooklyn Black Chocolate Stout Chocolate tres leches with apple buñuelos

Call for reservations, (865) 637-4663

Tennessee fall issue 10 - 11/15/12  

Tennessee fall issue 10 - 11/15/12