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theblacksheeponline.com Week of April 20th, 2011 | Volume 4 Issue 14

Other stuff

Inside 04

Am I the only one?

Seriously, why does the Easter Bunny exist?

05

Magazine Sex Tips

13

our Guide to Summer Superhero Movies:

Some awful advice from some awful national publications

There’s a lot of them this summer!

CONTINUED ON PAGE 11...

Amateur Adult Fiction: College Edition I

t was a Saturday night in April when they first locked eyes.

In the frat, the lights flashed on the sticky dance floor just like they did on those faithful spring break nights in Cancun. Her engineering major boyfriend had just dumped her, and questioning why she ever went out with an engineering major in the first place, she had decided to grind with more dicks than…a dick grinder, I suppose. He had just beaten the new SOCOM and decided to put the Playstation away that night because he was determined to “get some poonani.” Naturally, their midsections attracted each other and began revolving like two overloaded washing machines. When the second song ended and that new Adele song came on, he looked at her with a sly grin and cleverly quipped: “So, should we roll in the deep?”

“What!?” The music was very loud.

“Should we roll in the deep?”

“I don’t know what you’re fucking saying, but let’s get out of here…”

She yelled over Adele’s silky smooth voice.

Even though she didn’t get his lame contextual joke that he thought was clever but actually didn’t mean anything, they left the party to go to her house only a few blocks away. The cool night air was rife with the sounds of faint bass beats, crinkling beer cans, and the calculated voices of young collegiates. On the walk home, they talked about their hopes and dreams, their hometowns, and the fight outside the frat. As the alcohol she consumed took its full effect on her, and he finished drinking the liquid from a plastic milk carton filled with vodka and Sunny Delight labeled “Crunk Juice,” they began to want each other

Ziev Beresh wrote this

even more. Desperately, in fact.

When they entered her house, she went to freshen up in the bathroom and he was left sitting there awkwardly. “Oh shit!” he thought, remembering that he would probably need a condom for the lovemaking that was sure to ensue. Checking his wallet, he found an old Durex that had been in there since his freshman year RA gave it to him.

When she came out of the bathroom she was wearing nothing but her bra and panties. “Do you like?” she asked. Her breasts heaved like an asthmatic. “I like,” he replied coyly. She approached him and tripped over a biology textbook, falling gracefully onto her bed. Taking this as his cue, he slowly began to undress her.

“You just broke my bra.”

“Oh shit, sorry.”

“No, I’m seriously pissed.”

“Uh, I’ll get you a new one.”

“Whatever asshole.”

Finally they were naked and able to press their glistening bodies closely together. As he searched for her carnal tunnel with his throbbing member, she let out a whimper, “Ouch! That fucking hurt, you idiot!” “I’m sorry ok?” “Just fuck me you dumbshit.”

They continued to make love for what seemed like the entire night, but was actually just several minutes. When it was over, they both rolled onto their backs panting. “You can go now,” she told him. “Oh shit,” he said, “I think this fucking condom broke.”

Because exercising shouldn’t cost money.

a big list of awesome stuff!

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Sexy Anagrams!

Here are a few words for you to learn, memorize, and use on a daily basis. Try it out and see what happens!

Bullogna : Definition: Any sudden Chicago Bulls fair weather fansmenship.

Sentence: “Kyle was just talking about how much he loves Keith Bogans, but he’s totally full of Bullonga.”

Borneography: Definition: A show on TLC or NatGeo that involves crazy, wild plants and animals in high definition.

Sentence: “Did you see that episode where the Thai Waterbird killed that Asian Latter Snake? That was some serious Borneography!”

Send us a sentence using one of the words above, and the best one wins a prize! vocab@theblacksheeponline.com

Last Week's Answers!

Text "SpartyOn" to 69302!

Can you figure out who these hotties are?

Weak Plural = Paul Walker

Name Liners

Arch Car Doc Few

Agave Oars Fir = Sofía Vergara

Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com The first 5 right answers win prizes!

04

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Pete Seeger Really Meant, “Where Have All the Goth Kids Gone?”

Samantha Shaughnessy wrote this Much like high school, the cliques continue to live on at MSU. The catty popular girls who were too tan for their own good have morphed into bitchier, tanner, and chunkier sorostitutes. The lacrosse jocks who used to pop up in your masturbation reel have now developed severe alcoholism and have grown up to be the stereotypical drunkby-5 p.m. date rapists. The Christian girls who preached the word of God wised up and discovered Pineapple Smirnoff and dick… the only things doing the preaching now are their pussy lips.

However, since coming to campus, there seems to be one clique that failed to move to college. Yes, my friends, I am referring to the coveted high school Goth.

Rampant outside every suburban cemetery, Mobile gas station and church parking lot, the teenage Goth had heavy black eyeliner, heavy black lipstick, heavy black unwashed hair, and Chola Sharpie eyebrows. To offset the Wednesday Adams look, they applied white face make-up, which enhanced the walking dead-corpsey image they were so envious of. Typical of most public high school students, they used fashion to express themselves. This usually consisted of a long, Renaissance faire-looking skirt or a duster covered in cat hair worn over chained boots with an Invader Zim t-shirt or a medieval corset. Accessories included black lace gloves, a cross necklace, and those stupid spike

DID YOU KNOW

The Gothic people may have originated on a Swedish island named Gotland

?

bracelets that were ironically sold at Claire’s in middle school.

The Goth roamed the hall blasting Siouxsie and the Banshees or The Cure on their iPod (another ironic quirk). They’d exude an apathetic attitude and “Woe is me...” demeanor that made everyone want to beat them with a bag of bricks. Their Live Journals were their sanctuary where they could vent their angsty teenage bullshit through awful poetry mourning their very existence. When the couples got together, they’d perform some weird S&M sex most likely involving blood and pouring hot wax on each other’s nipples.

At home, they’d start bullshit fights with their parents for not buying Count Chocula cereal, making their life even more miserable. As a result, they’d lock themselves in their room to worship the Edgar Allen Poe shrine in their closet (probably much similar to Helga’s shrine on Hey Arnold!), burn themselves with cigarettes, and carve into their legs with butter knives.

So, what happened to the Goth after high school graduation?

They most likely realized that you can’t be a so-called, “nonconformist” when your entire closet can be found in every Hot Topic.

They also could’ve finally fulfilled their wish and offed themselves, playing checkers with Satan as we speak. Another very probable cause is that they didn’t go to college. Instead, they continue to work steadily at Kroger while still living in their mom’s basement.

Or, (now this is a big “or”), they ditched the black, blood, and depression for a semi-normal life. Unbeknownst to you, a former Goth could be right in your midst. Stay alert for individuals who wear those button-down shirts with the flames and/or dragons, guys with unusually long hair, anyone who wears a dog collar around, or someone who is on the Quidditch team. These traits scream weirdo and are the backwoods cousin to the Goth.

Am I the Only One Who Thinks The Easter Bunny is Bullshit?

Bailey Walsh wrote this “Kiiiids, come downstairs! It’s time for the Easter egg hunt!” shouted the Christian mother to her sugar-crazed, shithead children. The kiddos would soon come racing down the stairs to begin their search just as all of us (unless you’re Ziev) did when we were younger.

However, as we’ve grown older and wiser, some of us have questioned why we do the things we do. What am I going to do with all of these gerbils living in my bathroom? Who is “Pablo” and why is he sending me pictures of his dick?

We all have these questions in life. While some of them may never be answered, some of these burning questions deserve a second thought. For instance, what in the hell do rabbits and eggs have to do with Easter?

I have to assume the initial conversation went something like this: “Yay! Jesus was resurrected from the dead! Let’s celebrate! Who wants to play Jesus? Alright Robert, stand still while we douse you in cow blood! No? Okay, who wants to dress up like a rabbit and hide candy for the children to find? It will get the kids all hopped up on sugar and make them forget any religious purposes the holiday attempts to serve!”

No? It didn’t? …Well, no, I guess it didn’t. My research suggests that traditions of the Easter Bunny and Easter eggs actually derive from Pagan tradition. “The ancient Saxons celebrated the return of spring with an uproarious festival commemorating their goddess of offspring and of springtime, Eastre” (Shady Online Newsletter 23).

Various sources go onto (boringly, I might add) explain how Christians slowly adopted and transformed the event into all the weird nonsense that it has become today, yet the “why” aspect is still largely debatable.

Aside from all of the odd and unlikely explanations of this holiday’s origin, there is also some discussion on “The Spring Hare.” Apparently, once upon a time, there was an evil rabbit ghost who pooped on little children who didn’t listen to their mothers. When Jesus was resurrected, his first mission was to take down the evil rabbit ghost, Cladwell.

It was believed that Cladwell’s mother died during rabbit birth, and in order to spite all of the children who didn’t appreciate and respect their living mothers, he would dedicate one day of the year to shitting on them. Y’know, teach ‘em a lesson.

So, after the third annual shitstorm, God decided to let Jesus come back to life in order to

rectify these crappenings. Once Jesus hopped on Cladwell’s trail, he pulled out one of his best moves—the good ole, “water into wine.” Except this time, the water was fecal matter and the wine was candy filled eggs. Cladwell’s poop was transformed into goodness and his heart into gold. Classic Jesus!

As you could have probably assumed, Jesus and Cladwell grew to be the best of friends and the colorful egg-pooping rabbit soon became the widely recognized symbol of Jesus’ resurrection from the dead. …Or so I’ve heard.

Really though, if we’re going to blatantly lie to our children and make them believe a giant candy-shitting rabbit exists, we might as well spice it up. Associating bunnies and candy with Jesus’ resurrection makes about as much sense as a wild tiger wearing a diaper. It just doesn’t.

And so, the million-dollar question remains: Am I the only one who thinks the Easter Bunny is bullshit? Tell me what you think: baileywalsh@gmail.com

Fromwww.theblacksheeponline.com The Streets

05

What are you looking forward to this summer?

“The Art Van Christmas in July sale!”

The Worst Sex Advice Ever (Is In Sex Magazines)

Rae R. Freshman

Alex wrote this Hello ladies! I bet you’re thinking to yourself, “Golly that’s a good looking hunk of man, I really wish I knew what was goin’ on up in his ole medulla oblongata! But gee, I’m just too frazzled to walk on up and talk to him … what should I do?”

Hint: Do not read Cosmo. And guys, as if you actually cared what was going on in the minds of women, don’t look to the meathead editors of GQ for advice. Men and womens’ magazines do nothing but aide gender stereotypes and suggest really awkward sexual techniques based on speculation about what it’s like to have a penis/vagina. But don’t take MY word for it, read anyone of the following excerpts.

Cosmopolitan Magazine: 31 Sex Challenges; Challenge 5: “Make a pact to tell your partner every single time you feel horny throughout the day.”

Okay ladies, you asked for it. You really want to know every time your guy feels horny on any given day. Hmm, let me think, it depends— wait … no, no it doesn’t. Guys are horny literally all of the time. Not kidding. If you want me to shoot you a text every time I think about boobs, you’re probably going to dump me after 30 texts in 25 minutes. It would be easier to tell you times when we’re NOT horny. “Hey, I just caught on to a sex-joke my Grandma made. Totally not horny… wait, Beyonce’s Revlon Commercial just came on. Update: horny.”

Men’s Health: Grooming Together: “Some couples use routine grooming as a way to turn each other on. Go slowly. Be careful and with each other! Genital grooming takes a great deal of trust” Hmm… How about “Go… away from my dick with that razor.”

This has got to be one of the worst ideas ever. “Hey honey, my bush is getting out of hand, you want to trim it for me?!”

“Hey honey, are you fucking kidding me? No.” Genital grooming takes a great deal of trust and also a great deel of creepy perverseness.

Cosmopolitan Magazine: Sex Tips from Guys; Tip #7: “Seeing a woman’s lips glide over the neck of a beer bottle always makes me think of her mouth on me.” – Ty, 21.

Okay “Ty” … what the hell is wrong with you? You get off to

girls deep-throating beer bottles? You know what I think when I see a girl’s lips on a beer bottle? “This chick needs another beer.” You know what I think when I see her go down on a bottle of Heineken? “Oh…what the hell? Yo, that’s not how you drink a beer. What is she… my God. Stop that.”

Cosmopolitan Magazine: Fetish Foreplay #6: “My girl pretended to not want to kiss me. I had to passionately pry her mouth open with my tongue.” – Ron, 25.

I don’t know what kind of pussy-whip Ron is submitting to on a daily basis, but I’m not doing that. Tongues are not made to be used as simple machines in rape fantasies.

GQ Magazine: Kinky Tips for Spicy Sex; Tip #4: “A portion of men enjoy light anal insertion by their woman right before climax. Start small, try the pinky-finger.”

Umm. Yeah, so … about that. Generally speaking, right before climax my thoughts are as follows: “I love sex.” “Wow, vaginas are great.” “The last thing I want right now is something in my ass.” Not sure how large the “portion” of men who enjoy this is, but the consensus among, oh, I don’t know, about every straight male I’ve ever met, would be “please refrain from fingering my butt.” What kind of guy isn’t happy with vaginas right before climax? If finishing after passionate vaginal sex is not enough for you, and you need pinky-penetration, there is a good chance you have some deeper issues that need resolution.

Cosmopolitan Magazine: Fetish Foreplay #10: “Have me lie on my stomach, then wet the skin below my butt. Blow on it.”- Beckett, 23.

What?! No. Why? Don’t do that. Instead, try “Have me lie on my back, note my raging boner, then have sex with me.” That would do the trick.

If you still think men’s and women’s magazines are a good place to find sex-related tips about the opposite gender, you’re obviously a virgin. Sex should not be a challenge for college students; we’re in our sexual prime. Go out there and get laid, don’t read about weirdoes who obviously suck at it.

“Bringing girls home to my ‘place’ instead of my room.”

Kevin J. Freshman

Two words: Blunt. Cruisin’.

Mason B. Freshman

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Politics 101: Get it Together, Congress About two weeks ago, the government almost came to a halt. I share this information because although the average American ingests about seventy-two hours of media per waking day, all of it is dominated by makeovers for teenage octomoms with bad tans.

For years now (about 230 of them), partisanship has plagued our governmental halls like a ghost so terrible it must be training to audition for Jersey Shore.

While it’s easy to complain about political ineffectiveness as though it’s a new problem, our nation has a bit of a history. Fighting over the budget like schoolyard children pushing each other over a swing is not new. In fact, arguing over a lot of things is not new. Literal fighting isn’t even new: there have been no fewer than eight fist fights on the congressional floor, and countless more were stopped by the simple fact that a majority of representatives have so much brain damage they can’t figure out how to physically injure somebody and accidentally end up gerrymandering their districts instead.

Many of our readers are too young to remember that the government ACTUALLY shut down in 1995. This was presumably because Clinton wanted to provide government sponsored mandatory dildo colonoscopies while Gingrich needed to free that money up so corporate interests could be protected by building statues of rich people masturbating into piles of money outside of all government owned housing projects. If I recall correctly, they eventually decided to compromise by building the statues and requiring citizens to sodomize themselves on the corners.

Whatever the case, the government came to a halt for five days in 1995, and for another twenty-one days just in time for the holiday season, when you most want a forced, unpaid vacation thanks to the political powers who clearly have your best interests at heart (or whatever congressional representatives have). As a special bo-

Ryan Jurado wrote this

nus, during a shutdown congressmen and women are required to slash at least four American tires each day as an “economic stimulus incentive.”

A shutdown at first seems like a fantastic idea: after all, since all non-essential services stop, it seems like Congress would go home, stop wasting our time, and give us another voting season in which we can all massively redefine our criteria for public representatives to exclude the phrase, “reminds me of an average guy,” or “I just checked the name I saw on the television.” Congress cannot legally be furloughed, however. This means that congress can sit and moan while collecting political points like trading cards, waiting until they can get the most favor out of any emergency situation.

They’ll spend those points on the next election cycle, perpetuating themselves through parabolic ineptitude like some sort of virus, or Rebecca Black.

The trouble is, I voted for some of these jackasses, and so did you. And the people we replace them with, if we replace them at all, will be radically different in every way except efficacy, a hate for which is the one stance that nearly all lawmakers share. Is it so hard to compromise? Do we need to send lawmakers and extremists back to elementary school to learn how to share? Perhaps we need to fit 535 T-shirts that say, “I am an adult and will not always get my way” into the budget so both houses can be reminded of those difficult facts? Should we hire a homeless man to climb into a Barney costume and sing songs about working together and how a bill becomes a law?

On the plus side, if things continue to run the way they have been running the budget will certainly get a boost of revenue soon. After all, if our employees are going to act like children, then we can pay them like children: in Pokémon cards and bubble gum.

The Bar Grid

January 2010

Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.

SPECIAL NIGHT

WEDS: Who’s Hotter Than Me? THURS: No Cover, Live DJs Talent Competition at 9 $3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Miller Lt Drafts Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Daily Specials: $3 Wells

31 1 2 Monday 9pm-Close $4 Call Drinks DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village $2.50 - Pints $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3 Well Drinks $2.50 – Call Drinks Tuesday 9pm-Close $4 UV Bombs $3 Shot Specials 6 7 8 9 $2.00 – Well Drinks

DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds $3.00 – Premium Drafts

$4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Who’s Hotter Than Me? DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) Wednesday 9pm-Close 14 15 16 TalentDrafts Competition at13 9 $2.00 – Domestic

DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar)

$2.50 – Well Drinks $3 Miller Lt Drafts DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) The Ice Boxers $3.00 – Bombs

$4 Call Drinks Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints 20 21 22 23 $3 Well Drinks

$2.50 – Call Drinks

DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) STAR FARM Friday 9pm-Close $3 Shot Specials

DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.50 – All Pints

$3.00 – Well Drinks Burger Bash 3-8: Half off ALL Drinks Saturday 9pm-Close 27 28 29 30 $1 Burgers, $1 Fries $3.50 – All Pints

DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $3.00 – Well 8-Close: Drinks Ladie’s Night!

DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Beats Sunday All Day $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Lt., $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Mimosas $3.00Rolling – Pints Rock Bottles, Call Drinks,

$8.00 – Burger, & Pintand Kamizakes SoCoFries Limes Every Day

$3.50 Long Islands $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots

Dublin Square Irish Pub $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs 327 Abbott Rd East Lansing MI 48823 9pm – Close Every Day

Happy Hour 4-7, Monday-Friday: $1 Off Pitchers, $0.50 Off Cocktails, $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts Lunch Specials 11:30 to 2, Monday-Friday $4.72 Burgers w/ chips and drink $5.47 Burgers w/ fries and drink

BURGERAMA! 3-9PM Burgers $1.50

DJ DANCE PARTY (live DJ or Band) 1/2 Food all day!

$3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Calls $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs

Pitcher Night! $1.50 Off 60oz pitchers

No Cover, Live DJs $3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Wells $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs

Southwest Night! $2.75 Corona, Sierra Nevada, and Cuervo Gold Shots

BURGERAMA: $1.50 Burgers (3-9) $3 ‘Rama Brew, $2.50 Frog Tanks $3.50 Labatt Pitchers

Live DJs $3 Pints of ‘lites’ For More Information Contact Us:

(517) 351­2222 $3 Wells www.dublinsquare.net Or Text: “Dublin Square” to $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes 839863 for specials & updates. $4 UV Bombs

Happy Hour 4-7: $1 Off Pitchers, $0.50 Off Cocktails, $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts Lunch Specials 11:30 to 2, Monday-Friday $4.72 Burgers w/ chips and drink $5.47 Burgers w/ fries and drink

$7.50 ALL YOU CAN EAT FISH FRY! $3.75 Smirnoff $5 Red Bull and Well Vodka $3.50 Grape Crush Shots $3 Labatt Mugs

$3.50 Captain Morgan $3.50 Flavored Vodkas $3 SoCo Lime and Kamikazes $3 Domestic Bottles and Drafts

Live Band and DJ $4 Smirnoff flavors $3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Wells $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs

$2.50 Pints of Labatt and Miller Lite all day!

$3.75 Captain/Jack Drinks $3 Labatt Mugs $3.50 SoCo Lime $4 Burger/Fries 12-5 pm

SUN, 4/24

Closed

$3 Pints, Calls, and Bacardi Bombs $3 Bloody Mary’s and Mimosas $8 Burger, Fries, and a Pint

Canadian Night! $2.50 Bottles Labatt Blue & Blue Light; Molson Golden and Canadian

Taco Trio w/ Drink Purchase 4:30-11:00pm $2.75 3 Beef or Chicken Tacos

MON, 4/25

$4 Domestic Pitchers $5 Premium Pitchers $3 Gator Bite Shots

$2 Pints of ‘lites’ $2 Wells $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs

Miller Lynchburg Night! $2.50 Miller, Lite, and Genuine Draft Bottles $2.75 Jack Shots

1/2 off FOOD all day! $1.75 Wll Drinks All Day $3 Labatt Mugs $4 Shots & Bombs

TUES, 4/26

$2.50 Bottles of Miller Lt, Coors Lt, and Rolling Rock $2.50 ALL CALL DRINKS $2.50 Soco Lime and Kamakazee Shots $3.50 Long Islands

$2 Pints of ‘lites’ $2 Wells $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs

Big Draft Beer Night! $2.75 Labatt Blue and Miller Lite $3.70 Blue Moon and Sam Adams $4.90 Guiness

WED, 4/27

Who’s Hotter Than Me? Talent Competition at 9 $3 Miller Lt Drafts $4 Call Drinks $3 Well Drinks $3 Shot Specials

$3 Pints of ‘lites’ $3 Calls $3 SoCo-Limes, Kamikazes $4 UV Bombs

WED, 4/20 THURS, 4/21 FRI, 4/22 SAT, 4/23

Half Off Happy Hour 4-8PM Half-Off Drinks 8-Close: $3 All Drafts, Jack Daniels, Soco Limes,

*Ladies Night~ Every Thursday! and Kamikazes

½ Off – Potato Skins Hush Puppies & Onion Rings

Pitcher Night! $1.50 Off 60oz pitchers

$3 Labatt Mugs $3 Well & Call Drinks $4 Bombs/Shots (except Patron)

POOL TOURNAMENT 7 pm FREE POOL ALL DAY!! $2 Well and Call Drinks $3 Labatt Mugs $2.50 Sex on the Beach $3 Long Islands $2.75 3 Soft Shell Tacos DJ DANCE PARTY (live DJ or Band) 1/2 Food all day!

$3 Labatt Mugs $3 Well & Call Drinks $4 Bombs/Shots (except Patron)

The Bar Grid Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Sunday - Friday: $1.00 off ALL tall Drafts, $3 Smirnoff® flavors, Crown Royal®, Captain Morgan®, Jack Daniel’s®, SoCo®, Jameson Irish Whiskey® & $2 Select Shots PLUS $3 select appetizers!

HAPPY HOUR! Mon - Fri, 4-7 1/2 Off Drinks and Drafts Free Pool and Darts

Free For All Friday DJ BOBOLAI 9-10 NO Cover 9-11 FREE Draft Beer Tasting 9-11 FREE Pizza 9-11 $1.00 Drafts, Wells & Shots 11-2 $2.50 Wells, Beers & Shots

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Tigers vs. Mariners at 3:40pm Wings vs. Coyotes at 10:30pm Enjoy a $3 select appetizer while watching the game!

Half Off Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine

Closed

Come check out all our new hookahs!

WED, 4/20

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 55-cent boneless wings Stop in for lunch and get a break in your day! Lunch combos starting at $6.99 served in 15 minutes or less!

THIRSTYGIRL THURSDAY DJ JUAN, NO Cover $1.95 You Call It Wells, Calls & Beers

Closed

Happy Hour 7-9PM

THURS, 4/21

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Tigers vs. White Sox at 7:05pm.

Watch the game with us and enjoy our Lenten Specials!

MEGA 80s LIVE! No Cover Before 8PM! $2.50 Stoli, Pints, and Bombs $2.50 Captain Drinks $2.50 Jack Drinks

Free For All Friday DJ BOBOLAI 9-10 NO Cover 9-11 FREE Draft Beer Tasting 9-11 FREE Pizza 9-11 $1.00 Drafts, Wells & Shots 11-2 $2.50 Wells, Beers & Shots

Happy Hour 7-9PM

FRI, 4/22

Take a break from your day and catch the game with us.

Tigers vs. White Sox at 4:10pm Watch it on our wall-to-wall TVs!

SATISFACTION SATURDAY HYPE SYNDICATE LIVE! NO Cover before 9 $2.00 Pints, $3.00 Calls

SEDUCTION SATURDAY with DJ DIL NO Cover For The LADIES Doors open to public at 11:00 PM $1.95 Blow Jobs, Slippery Nipples, Screaming Orgasms, Dirty Girl Scouts and Wet Pussys, Cosmos & Glasses of Champagne, Flavored Vodka Drinks, Sex On The Beach

Happy Hour 7-9PM

SAT, 4/23

Closed

Rough weekend? A nice hookah can fix that...

SUN, 4/24

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Easter Sunday!

Open - 7PM Half-Off Pizza $2.50 Pints, $6.75 Pitchers Sunday School 7-Close 1/2 Off Drinks, FREE PIZZA!

Open 7PM to 1AM Sunday-Wednesday Open 7PM to 3AM Thursday-Saturday

SPECIAL NIGHT

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 55- cent boneless wings Start your week off right at Buffalo Wild Wings! Try our Creamsicle Drink of the Month!

$1.50 Pints $3.00 Pitchers FREE Hot Dogs

Closed

Drinks and Hookah? Best way to start your week!

MON, 4/25

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 45-cent traditional wings Tigers vs. Mariners at 7:05pm Cheer on the Tigers while enjoying our Late Night specials!

Taco Tuesdays - FREE Tacos All-You-Can-Eat 7PM – 12AM $1.75 Wells $3.00 Well Doubles $2.50 Margaritas $5.00 Buckets of Coronas

Closed

Find us on Facebook!

TUES, 4/26

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Tigers vs. Mariners at 7:05pm Ask about our drink specials!

Half Off Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine

Closed

Come check out all our new hookahs!

WED, 4/27

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bartender

WEEK

of the

Major: B.A. in Apparel and Textile Design Nickname: V Relationship Status: Taken What are your summer plans?: Layin’ by the pool with my girls and trying to find a big girl job Who is your celebrity crush?: Channing Tatum What is the worst job you’ve ever had?: Folding towels at the M.A.C. There were far too many naked old ladies with huge bushes If you could have an exotic animal as a pet, what would you choose?: Panther Which cartoon character represents you best?: Olive Oil Favorite fast food? Taco Bell Craziest spot you’ve hooked up on campus? In between the bookshelves at the library Would you rather eat someone else’s toenail or drink a gallon of their sweat?: Ugh, I guess toenail Turn on: Humble Turn off: Cockiness Biggest pet peeve: When people don’t tip Advice to upcoming freshmen: Live it up, make as many friends as you can, and always keep an open mind!

nson e v e t S a i Virgin alleys PT O’ M

drink

shot

Concussor

+ Strawberry Vodka + Orange Pop

dice four If Dice Four is anything like Four Loko, you dirtbags are in some serious trouble.

for

Purple People Eater + Warm gin + Tabasco

:

er t s a Dis

Sabbath Sauce

And on the 7th day, you got really high and chilled on the couch all day. Also known as “The Day of Rest,” Sunday is the most ideal time to recuperate during a marathon of “Real Housewives of New York,” put off doing homework for the third day in a row, and make a lot of delicious grub. The gym will be there on Monday, people!

What You’ll Need: Apple sauce, whip cream, and various things that can be dipped.

Fatty Factor: Kids eat it, and (some) kids aren’t fat!

Let’s Get Baked: - Mix the apple sauce and the whip cream together.

- Grab cookies, pretzels, or your finger, dip into the sauce, and enjoy. Also delicious on top of ice cream.

Whoever said delicious had to be intricate? Less is more, unless you’re talking about days off from school and time spent on the couch, man that never gets old.

Sexy Time

Sandwiches

Indian

Studying

Tail-Gate

Soups

Italian

drinking games

Pixie Stick + Orange vodka, Raazmatazz, Grape Pucker, Peach Schnapps, and sour mix

e Recip

Hangover

Number of Players: 2-4 What You Need: Some dice, some dudes and some drinks, duh.

Intoxication Level: You won’t poop your pants, but you’ll wish you had.

How to Play: -The object of the game is to roll as many of the same number on a sixsided dice as possible, like Yahtzee .

-Each player can roll up to four dice up to four times.

-The rolling player may remove a die from the rolling dice whenever he likes.

-The rolling player may end their own turn at any point.

-At the end of a player’s turn his total number of points is equal to the total amount of similar numbers he has, plus one point for any nonmatching die (For example, after four turns if a player has 2 3’s, a 5 and a 2 showing his score (3+3+1+1) would be eight.

-Each player gets a turn.

-At the end of the game the person with the lowest total score loses.

-Subtract the loser’s score from the winner’s score. The loser must drink one second for each number remaining.

The Game Ends When: Someone dies. GET IT?

dare you

www.theblacksheeponline.com

TOP 10 Practical Things to Put in Easter

11

Baskets During a Recession

As most of us know, times are tough. Unemployment rates are high and the number of tweets posted daily by the cast of Jersey Shore is equivalent to how many houses were foreclosed on this month in Ingham County alone. So, this Easter, it’s time to cut the crap. Parents should not waste their money on colorful plastic grass, tiny eggs to hide treasures in, or chocolate bunnies. Parents should be preparing their children for the harsh realities of a failing economy. So, this year, consider celebrating the resurrection of Jesus a little differently by filling the Easter baskets with practical things.

10). Netflix movie: Go to Google images and print off a movie poster. Tape it to the DVD cover and it’s as good as new. I guarantee little Jimmy won’t notice a thing when you have to mail it back the next day.

Point/Counterpoint: Having a Car on Campus Black Betty wrote this As the school year comes to an end and many of us are reflecting on our time at MSU, the various creative methods of transportation we have used to get across this gigantic campus cannot be forgotten. Whether it’s the ever-so-sketchy CATA busses, your rollerblades from 6th grade, your skateboard from 8th grade, drunken piggy-back rides, bikes, taxis, bike-taxis, motorized scooters, stolen cop cars, and finally, (the most preferred method), an automobile- every MSU student has to get around town somehow.

It’s no surprise that you’d want to have your own car at State when you have a class scheduled all the way in Bum Fuck Egypt, aka, Service Road (Seriously. Who schedules these places?). However, before jumping to any conclusions, we should take a moment to think this over…

Having a car brings great power. And with great power, comes great responsibility. It’s a big decision to have your car at State, and here at The Black Sheep, we think you should have a few beers while we weigh the pros and cons of having a car before you decide to haul your ass around campus in your grandpa’s El Camino.

PROS: -You can drive yourself wherever you want, whenever you want to do whatever you want. You don’t need to answer to anyone and you definitely don’t have to tell anyone that you’re going to get a Big Mac at 2 a.m.

-You can drive to class instead of walking to class. When snow is still a threat in April, you have every reason to be lazy.

-You can offer to drive that hottie you have a thing for to class. He doesn’t like the idea of walking in the April snow any more than you do.

-The backseat can be the perfect alternative to a bed when you want to have all the freaky loud sex with the aforementioned hottie you can handle without the glares from your roommate trying to study on the top bunk.

-You can blast music from your car and sing to it at the top of your lungs. Just remember, you’re only a superstar in your car. To everyone else, you put on as good of a concert as Nickleback does.

-No more waiting. Did the #1 CATA break down again? Not your problem. No way you’re going to be late for that important meeting circle jerk at the office your buddy’s apartment.

-Feeling a little more like an adult. Nothing screams “unsuccessful” like a college grad without a car in suburbia.

CONS: -“Can I get a ride?” (Usually said by the people who you don’t want to give a ride).

-The awkward moment(s) when someone doesn’t offer to chip in for gas when driving them often/far away and you have to ask for it.

-$4.00/gallon for gas, which is totally reasonable, right?

-Possibility of your car breaking down, getting into a car accident, a big fat bully keying your car,or getting it straight up stolen. Embarrassment and an empty bank account ensue.

-Meters, parking tickets, and the overall anxiety of P.A.C.E workers lurking every corner.

-Having to park your car blocks away in some shady spot to avoid paying the ridiculous rates of every parking structure in East Lansing.

-There is a much greater chance you’ll drive to the bar. And then drive back home. Hammered. Everyone should know that DUIs are only acceptable if you’re famous.

-Your enemies taking their hatred toward you out on your new ice cream paint job.

-If less walking equals less exercise, and e=mc^2, more driving equals bigger double chinz.

-You’re hurting the environment! Take your H3 to Trader Joe’s and stock up on granola bars to eat while you meditate your decisions.

9). Clearance Tae Bo DVD: For those parents who can no longer afford to enroll their kids in karate classes, this is a cheap way to make your kid feel like they’re still a part of an extracurricular activity. Billy Blanks is a great role model for the kids!

8). FASFA application: Though they aren’t in college yet, this is a nice way to ball park how much financial aid the kids will get and plan ahead. If it’s particularly low, you may have to cancel that trip to Cedar Point and settle for the penny pony at Meijer.

7). Bridge Card application: College students are excluded now, but I never heard anything about toddlers and preteens.

6). Grocery store gift card: Pick a store that exclusively sells food and absolutely nothing that could be considered fun to children. “Sorry Jimmy, they don’t have toys, looks like you are going to have to buy supplies for dinner instead.”

5). Stolen office supplies: Browse around your work place or steal pens from banks and various other businesses. An assortment of blue and red ink pens and post-it notes is comparable to any Crayola crayon set.

4). A season of Weeds: If you are really hurting for cash, and are not scared of federal law, this will teach your kids valuable lessons on how to make money in alternative and creative ways!

3). Bus schedule: Because gas is $4 a gallon, you can’t afford to be driving Jimmy to the Tae Bo video rental store every week. You can also disguise this as an effort to “go green,” so Jimmy doesn’t realize how worthless his parents are.

2). Free Hug Coupons: Become more like the Tanner family from Full House one hug at a time, and for free! We can all learn an important lesson from Bob Saget. All of us.

1). Job application: You can pick these up anywhere for free. Try places with lenient child labor laws, like Wal-mart. It’s never too early to start a good work ethic and that electric bill isn’t going to pay itself.

The kids might wonder what Peter Cottontail was smoking this year as he was hopping down the bunny trail when they find their Easter basket, but, if you’re able to print out all the forms in colorful paper, the kids will hardly tell the difference between last year’s basket of fun and this year’s basket of reality.

Leanne Johnson wrote this

By Steven VanMaele

12

www.theblacksheeponline.com

the movie page

Based on the Trailer

Scre4m (Scream 4) dave saw this and gave it a...

Director: Wes Craven

Arthur

Starring:

Out Now

Emma Roberts, Hayden Panettiere, the Ol’ Scream Gang

Starring: Russell Brand, Helen Mirren, Greta Gerwig, Jennifer Garner What You Need to Know: Oh no! Arthur (Russell Brand) has to decide between an arranged marriage and lots of moolah, or an uncertain future with the love of his life. Good thing he has a nanny (Helen Mirren) to help with super personal life decisions!

What We Think: What a shocker, Russell Brand playing a spoiled, hard-partying dude that thinks he can get by on his accent and his charms. And maybe his looks. So, sure, he’s a bit obnoxious, but that doesn’t mean we won’t be slightly entertained.

Water For Elephants April 22nd Starring: Robert Pattinson, Reese Witherspoon, Christoph Waltz What You Need to Know: Basically Edward Cullen falls in love with a carny. Or, veterinarian Jacob (Robert Pattinson) falls in love with Marlena (Reese Witherspoon), a star performer in a circus from way back in the day. Oh, and they have a strange compassion for an elephant, in which they give it water… for survival, of course?

What We Think: Who doesn’t love a good carnivalthemed nostalgic romance? And who knew Robert Pattinson was way better looking when he isn’t pale and brooding all the time? With fantastical lights, acrobats and animals, as well as cutie Reese Witherspoon thrown in the mix, we think this movie looks pretty good.

Fast Five

April 29th

Starring: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Dwayne Johnson What You Need to Know: A former cop (Paul Walker) partners with a scary ex-con (Vin Diesel) to shoot people, blow up cars, and break the law. Now that they are backed into a corner in Rio de Janeiro, they must pull one last job to gain their freedom.

What We Think: BROS!!! ACTION!!! GIRLS!!! Can it get much better? Oh hell yeah. But does it need to? For this franchise, no way. Sure, any respectable human being would never actually enjoy these movies, but for the 17-year-old future fratdaddies of America, they are creaming themselves. No, they really are… there are boobs in the movie!

C+

Synopsis:

Neve Campbell, David Arquette, and Courteney Cox are back… BUT WHERE’S JAMIE KENNEDY?! WHERE?!

So are there really any Scream franchise nerds out there? I don’t mean people who are fans of the movies; I’m talking about people that have been waiting desperately for the 11 years since Scream 3 came out just to check in on thrice-victim Sidney Prescott one more time or be updated in the relationship of Officer Dewey and reporter Gale Weathers? I mean, the first one was a solid movie and the other two weren’t awful, but there certainly can’t be people who… oh, wait: I just checked the internet, and there’s a whole site with Scream fanfiction. Yikes.

I guess Scream 4 (or Scre4m) is for those people then. It takes us back to Woodsboro 15 years after the killings of the original Scream (or Sc1eam) to let us see what has been going on. And, hey, everything’s fine and dandy, that is, until Sidney comes back. You’d think after being hunted THREE times by a killer connected with this town, she’d learn to stay away.

But no, Sidney’s plugging some “I’m over it all” bullshit so she decides to come back home and get a few innocent people killed. And of course, when it all happens, no one thinks “hey, maybe Sidney should get the FUCK outta here;” instead they all decide she should stay with her aunt and cousin Jill (Emma Roberts) for some reason.

on DVD

Screaming

And coincidentally, Cousin Jill is almost like a pseudo-Sidney herself. She’s got some nerdy film guy (one of the Culkin brothers) aka Jamie Kennedy’s character in the first films, and a hot, bitchy friend (Hayden Panettiere). And, most importantly, this time it’s Jill’s friends who are dying off, and, just like with Sidney, no one seems very affected. Of course, in Sc1eam, Sidney had no idea that she was being hunted down specifically, whereas in Scre4am everyone should know that the killer, whoever it is, is probably going to kill anything close to Sidney so everyone SHOULD JUST GET OUT OF WOODSBORO! But, haha, I’m thinking too hard into this MAJOR plot hole. The Scream series isn’t about original stories; it’s about recognizing horror film clichés then subverting some while honoring others. Yet Scre4m even forgets about that whole thing (which pretty much defined the other three) about halfway through. Sure, when Scre4m does want to do that funny, meta-stuff, it does it pretty well. The beginning is actually spectacular in the way that it parodies the endless horror movie sequels and remakes how these “updates” tend to just focus on appearing “modern” and “hip” by giving their killer webcams, Facebook, and Twitter. But then it seems like Scre4m realizes there’s not much else they

can do that they haven’t already covered.

This is probably why the best thing Scre4m has going for it: the return of its three original characters. They helped connect me to a film series I actually remember enjoying. Of course, things always look better in hindsight, and, who knows, maybe if I watch Sc1eam, 2cream, and Scr3am again, they’ll suck. But I think I’ll still be entertained by David Arquette’s goofiness and Courteney Cox’s feistiness and Neve Campbell’s… um, ability to run? Unfortunately in this film, these three get little to do, almost as if the producers felt like they should all be there but wanted to focus mostly on the younger, sexier characters.

I’m sure with the huge influx of technology in the last 11 years Scre4m could’ve made an interesting story about how easy it would be to become a murderous stalker in this age. Or maybe they could’ve created a satire about why victims in modern horror films don’t take advantage of cellphones and internets like how the original made fun of victims always running up the stairs. Instead, the film just vaguely claims that clichés have changed and there are “no more rules” like the classic “virgins can’t die.” Oh wait, there is one: apparently “gay guys can’t die in horror movies,” says one character.

What?

answers are a few from here

April 19th The King’s Speech Rabbit Hole The Way Back Gulliver’s Travels Summer in Genoa

April 26th Upstairs Downstairs Human Planet South Park: 14th Season Blow Out (The Criterion Collection)

In the first Scream approximately how many gallons of fake blood were used during filming?

The film’s iconic mask is modeled off of the painting The Scream by which artist?

Laurie Metcalf plays the killer, Mrs. Loomis, in Scream 2. She’s notable for playing the sister in what 1900s sitcom?

What is the name of the fictional horror movie being filmed within Scream 3?

The Black Sheep's:

Summer media guide Thor may 26

Four Chillest Summer Albums

Directed By: Kenneth Branagh Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Anthony Hopkins Nerd Knowledge: The easy pick for this summer’s superhero movie that transcends the genre to end up as a good movie like Iron Man, Spiderman 2 or The Dark Knight. Thor– a movie about a Norse god expelled from his home world of Asgard as a punishment for rekindling a war— features solid casting, a preview devoid of implied romance or gratuitous shirtless scenes and Kenneth freakin’ Branagh directing. Yeah, the guy who usually directs Shakespeare movies is taking on a Marvel legend. This one’s gonna be a keeper.

Superhero Movie Preview

X-Men: First Class June 3

Directed By: Matthew Vaughn Starring: James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Kevin Bacon, January Jones Nerd Knowledge: If a movie’s still in production two months before it’s set to hit theaters, that’s usually a sign the flick won’t be very good. Sadly, that’s exactly where X-Men: First Class is. An interesting cast featuring (for some reason) Kevin Bacon and (for two very good reasons) January Jones’ tits, the X-Men origin story feels like it’s going to be Cruel Intentions with people flying and shooting lasers out of their eyes, as opposed to a dutiful tribute to a staple comic brand. Feel free to hope against hope on this sucking, just don’t be surprised when it does, a lot.

Green Lantern june 17

Directed By: Martin Campbell Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively, Peter Sarsgaard Nerd Knowledge: From now on Ryan Reynolds should only be allowed to do superhero movies. His good looks, admittedly enviable body and perfect biting delivery all seem to be born in comic cells. DC’s big foray into the summer superherofest, Green Lantern seems to put itself in an odd position; should it rely on Reynold’s wit and charm to deliver classic one-liners, or should it stay grounded in the series’ lore?

Assuming the film can strike the right balance between the two, your hard-earned lifeguarding dollars will not be wasted.

We like comics graphic novels, and we don't care who knows about it. This summer seven of them are making the jump to the big screen. Here's our thoughts on them

Captain America: The First Avenger july 22

Directed By: Joe Johnson Starring: Chris Evans, Tommy Lee Jones, Hugo Weaving Nerd Knowledge: Captain America looks to be this summer’s weakest major superhero offering. The film, an origin story for the titular character, appears to be high on action, romance, gadgetry, super Nazis and Chris Evans ab shots, but short on story or plot development. His nemesis, Red Skull, looks to be underutilized as well. Notgood director Joe Johnson’s (of Jurassic Park III and The Rocketeer fame) mere presence physically states the implied: Marvel needed to get this movie done ASAP so they could move forward with the The Avengers flick. Expect Spiderman 3 quality here, folks.

THE REST Priest (May 13): Based off of a Korean comic about mankind’s battle against twelve fallen angels, the movie adaptation of Priest is about this badass priest guy who fights vampires that kidnapped his niece. That huge leap in general premise should be enough to hint at a horrible movie, but the fact the studio went back and added 3D to a movie shot in 2D (a la Clash of the Titans) all but guarantees this flick is a big, steaming pile of shit.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (July 1): Bam! Boom! Pow! Sure, Michael Bay’s movies might be like viewing a 13-year-old boy’s wet dreams, but the first Transformers movie of the postMegan Fox can’t be more incoherent than the last one, so it may be fun. At least there won’t me minstrel bots in this one.

Cowboys & Aliens (July 29): Starring James Bond and Indiana Jones as cowboys who face off against the aforementioned aliens, Cowboys & Aliens is thin on plot but loaded with big-time movie folk. This move is the “totally awesome or absolute abortion” movie of the summer.

Whether you’re backpacking through Europe or planting your ass on your parents’ back porch, summer as a whole is perpetually chill. Instead of listening to the crazy thoughts in your head or humming randomly, we’ve scoured the mess of albums coming out this summer for you to kick it to, grill to and beach to, always with a beer in one hand and a joint in the other.

Fleet Foxes: Helplessness Blues May 3rd

Danger Mouse Cults: Cults June 7th & Daniele Luppi: Rome May 17th

Listen to it When: You’re grilling tilapia and veggies on a warm summer evening.

Why We Can't Wait: Have you listened to their incredible self-titled 2008 release? So perfectly woodsy and harmonic, Fleet Foxes define early-summer; an optimistic mindset of hot and humid, but wearing a sweater with your short shorts. Slow at times but always upbeat, Fleet Foxes sophomore album’s first single ‘Helplessness Blues’ is an indication of a positive progression for a band that blew everyone away on their first try. Headlining Pitchfork Music Festival this year, Fleet Foxes is totally a band to get into right now.

Listen to it When: It’s a fun weekend up north boozing with the family.

Why We Can't Wait: Most famously known for his half of Gnarles Barkley and mixing Jay-Z’s vocals on The Black Album with The Beatles instrumentals on The White Album to make The Grey Album, everything DJ Danger Mouse touches turns to gold – or platinum. Producing albums from such recent successes like Beck, James Mercer (with Broken Bells) and The Black Keys, as well as last year’s awesome compilation with Sparklehorse, Danger Mouse is sprinting fast down the path to legendary status. A little less heavy then some of his past efforts, Jack White and Norah Jones are featured on an album that might just be ideal for the early-summer nights on the porch.

Listen to it When: You’re at the hippest of house parties with a PBR keg and smug attitudes.

Why We Can't Wait: The New York duo got quite the buzz late last year when they dropped a 3-song EP, complete with lo-fi vibes and plenty of catchy chill waves. These artsy indie-pop kids started streaming their newest single “Abducted” on NPR in April, sounding even more upbeat and polished.

Hopefully they can live up to their hype instead of falling down into the firey pit of defunct buzzbands, but we have a good feeling about these two.

Chiddy Bang: Breakfast June 17th

Listen to it When: Playing video games on a high night in.

Why We Can't Wait: Chiddy Bang set the tone for hip house parties this past fall with the ever-popular MGMT-beat driven “Opposite of Adults,” making them unforgettable for the exact goofy college crowd they are a part of. Their latest single, as a feature on Big Sean’s track “Too Fake,” is perfectly chill hip-hop with just enough beat to bob our head while we can still stay rested in relaxation. With the success of their past album and tour, we’re excited to see how they are going to deliver now they have the past six month’s experience under their belt. If The Swelly Express can deliver as fast as it did, Breakfast should be a piece of pancake to gobble up.

Play Some SPRINGO!

Send in pics of five across, down, or diagonal, and you'll win a prize! Spring@theblacksheeponline.com

the Quiz

results

What Kind of Weed Are You?

1. When you go to pick up a bag, you… a. Give the money and run. b. Stick around to chat for a moment. c. Try to get a free bowl or two out of the guy who sold it to you.

2. Your favorite stoner food is… a. Some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, some beef jerky, some peanut butter, some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, red popcorn, graham crackers, celery, grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, two big pizzas, water, and Funyuns. b. A delicious home-grilled steak. c. Leftover Kraft macaroni and cheese.

3. Your bud b-delivery mechanism of choice is… a. Bong b. Blunt c. Bowl 4. After you get stoned, the subsequent paranoia that sets in is because… a. …Like, totally everyone can tell how high I am. b. …Why…why is my heart beating so fast? c. …If we keep being so loud, the cops are definitely going to hear us from the street...

5. The funniest goddamn thing you’ve ever seen when you were high was... a. A monkey masturbating on YouTube. b. A picture of Nic Cage with bird hair.

c. An old person eating pudding.

6. You’re best at this when you’re baked out of your face… a. NBA Jam Tournament Edition b. Bocce ball c. Watching Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom 7. When “White Rabbit” peaks… a. Throw the tape recorder into the bathtub. b. Put on some gangsta rap. c. What the fuck are you talking about?

8. If your Mom saw how you answered this quiz, she would… a. Push herself further into denial. b. Ask you to roll her up a fatty. c. Tell you not to get in trouble.

8-13: Schwag, really?

Let me guess, you’re a freshman who bought it off of some other freshman who knows a guy in his hometown, and he swears that it usually comes with all of these stems and seeds, but it’s still the bomb. Can you even get high off of this stuff?

9-16: Looks like you're the mids There ain’t no shame in being a secondclass citizen; you get the masses high day in and day out. Plus, in these tough financial times, you’ree the best deal on the market. Good for you!

17-24: You're the stickiest of the sticky icky Man, where’d you get that dank? We better fire one up before I bounce out of here ‘cuz I’m not sure I’m ever going to see something that potent again. You been hanging out with Snoop or something?

Movie Quiz

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Managing Editor Bailey Walsh Advertising Manager Anthony Dostal Sean Kristl Contributing Writers Cristina Toscano Ryan Jurado Mike O’Keefe Lauryn Schroeder Samantha Shaughnessy Ziev Beresh Olivia Lambert Justin Gawel Frank Sorise Alex Everard Leanne Johnson photographer Art Klein Distribution Annalise Stromsta (Manager) Anna Aiken (Helper) cartoonist Steven VanMaele Brian Paul

Founders Atish Doshi Brendan Bonham

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