Page 1

The Black Sheep

FR E air E... L at ike wi th lli e e am le s-b ctr ric ici e s ty ta in t diu h m. e

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 1, Issue 5 9/20/12 -9/26/12 @blacksheepusc

gamecock beaten by pig for throwing skin John Cocksman wrote this The situation was intense. Tens of thousands of fans, many of whom were intoxicated. Thousands of rowdy students, most of whom were also hammered. Although it is unconfirmed whether there would be a party in the Woodlands afterward, the party at Williams-Brice stadium was shut down by a cop who woke up with a mission to ruin the experience for one Gamecocks reporter. When a columnist for The Daily Gamecock rose on the morning of the East Carolina game, little did he know what was to come. In a moment of glory rarely seen in the game of football, the sacred pigskin flew over the net and into a sea of excited Gamecocks fans. Unfortunately, someone had to be a prick. In an act of cocky celebration, an unnamed columnist for The Daily Gamecock threw that most revered of oblong objects through the crowd and was summarily tackled by an officer of the law for his crime. Such an offense simply could not go unpunished.  Some on USC’s campus have reacted with concern and suspicion, questioning whether or not they can trust the police whose sole responsibility it is to protect them from the evils of Columbia, South Carolina. Among the evils of primary focus, underage drinking, casual marijuana use and other party-related abominations. It is appropriate that these are the principle targets of USCPD’s wrath, considering they’re much more threatening to the lives and health of the Carolina student body then public masturbators and gang members who wait to mug students after dark. The scenario is bleak indeed, but we can all rest well henceforth, for the most foul, wretched, offensive crime of all has been sufficiently quashed: the crime of throwing a football, in a football stadium, at a football game.  Other less serious crimes were not ignored. Many were arrested, others were tazed, some were attacked with rabid dogs. One student reportedly punched the Eastern Carolina mascot, but this was forgiven, and rightfully so.  The Daily Gamecock columnist in question, however, had the audacity to contest his being accosted, much to the dismay of the dedicated police officer. While the studentprepared to shout “Don’t taze me, bro!”- suffered on the ground after being contained by the officer in question, he was expelled from the stadium, kicked off the island and left to fester in the sun. Williams-Brice is safer for that of-

College Procrastination Reaches New Heights

ficer’s prudence, foresight and commitment. It is for that reason that The Black Sheep honors the officer in question. The police and their methods may at times seem questionable, but when the real crime of throwing a football, at a football game, in a football stadium is committed by a fan, we may all take solace in the knowledge that such misconduct will be addressed with all appropriate severity.  One student who disagreed with the methods of the USC police officer suggested the possibility that he could have been suffering from an undiagnosed case of post-traumatic stress disorder, as a result of long hours on the police force. It is an indicator of the age we live in when sound, savvy,

what’s inside

solid police work is denounced as mental illness. Reports of the police officer’s PTSD remain unconfirmed, but we applaud him nevertheless. This incident, however, has occurred against the backdrop of a growing trend of behavior, at football games, in football stadiums. Investigations conducted by The Black Sheep research team conclude that at nearly every football game in the United States, someone, somewhere, is in some way throwing a football. This is reported to occur at games both public and private, among all age groups, even potentially in our own back yards. As such, a public hotline has been set up to report all incidents of football throwing in any context.

Note: Don’t forget to put something here.

The Top Ten Bathrooms Around Campus

Maps Given to South Africa, The Iraq; World Peace Ensues

What’s the number one place to go number two?

So, she’s not an idiot, she’s an idiot savant.

page 6

page 7

page 13

contents page 4: Gamecocks and ECU Fan Become Friends in Police Drunk Bus

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults?

page 4

It was love at first slurred hello.

page 5: from the streets

Table of

What’s been the worst part of your first roommate?

page 7: A Gamecock’s Guide to Interacting with Tour Groups “Interacting” is the nice way to say it.

page 12: bartender of the week Jeff K at Breakers wants you in there next Monday, okay?

page 14: Cryptography Solve the puzzle and you’ll have our heat. And by heart, we mean prize.

page 7

now hiring! Why wouldn't you want to work somewhere with unlimited koozies and a "pants are optional” policy?

Marketing, , Promotions, Writing, Groupies, & More!

apply online at

page three d a o l n w Do heep Mobile App S k c a l B e h T ! e e r f y l e m o s e w a o s s ’ it

! k e e W e h t f o c Pi

pt you don’t e c x e , d n e k e t we ay that party las t a our app to st t o d g a lo u n o y w o p D u c . m e e roo re he fr upstair’s bath latest drinking games, sha e Kind of like t h t in t u o p he our ap rious articles. specials, get t a r il a h b have to wash r s u u o p f m o a c ll t a p on ll the bes urse, catch u o c updated on a f o , d n a s y picture and send part

roid d n A d n a one h P i r o f mobile e l p b e e a l h i s a v k A ch blac sear

Sexy Anagrams

Taking beer goggles to the next level... (Want to be famous next week? Awesome.)

Send us your pic of the week at

Cereals Any Nite

Do you know who these hotties are? Send your answers to First five right answers get a prize!

Rally Rye Hip Nip last week’s answers

Sofia Vergara & Asthon Kutcher

word of the week Bravadon’t:

An act of heroism meant to impress, resulting in embarrassing failure for the person in question.

“Patrick’s had an act of bravadon’t when he broke his leg by jumping off of the roof.”

page 4

Gamecocks and ECU fan become friends in police drunk bus usc staff wrote this Just like every other home football game day, last Saturday plenty of students were dragged out of the stadium, tazed, or verbally abused by Columbia’s fine police force. If this isn’t your first year at USC you’ve realized that as long as you have a wristband on, you can “pretty much” get as rowdy as you want. Getting arrested sucks and getting your season ticket revoked is even shittier, but this time the story ends in a bittersweet friendship between a Gamecock and an ECU fan that may have made it all worth it. Brandon Henley, the Gamecocks fan, broke the pee-seal too early and would later pay for it. Public binge drinking always yields the same problem; there’s never anywhere to piss. No one wants to wait in a long line for a porta-potty that hasn’t been cleaned or changed since the beginning of the season, and it’s not as if the pissing conditions much better once inside Williams-Bryce. On Brandon’s walk to the stadium he realized that he couldn’t wait any longer, stumbled into a corner of a stadium gate, and pissed on Williams-Brice. The police officer, utilizing his six-week Columbia Police training program, tapped Brandon on the shoulder to get his attention. The student turned around, causing him to accidentally piss all over the cop’s uniform and boots. He was thrown in the police-bus immediately. Meanwhile an unnamed ECU fan was stepping out of his pride and joy: a purple and gold ‘89 Winnebago. He and his buddies bought a spot and were getting nice and drunk before entering the game. After the first quarter, the ECU fan was frustrated with his offense and threw a hotdog at a South Carolina fan. A fight started, but was immediately broken up by cops, and the ECU fan was thrown in the drunk-bus. There is a happy ending at the end of this fairy-tale. The back of the bus has two benches along the back, and naturally, the arrestees align with their teams. Shit talking started up

and some harmless drunk wrestling ensued in the back of the patty wagon until the cops came to break it up. ECU fans were outnumbered, but also benefitted from Hulk-rage strength over their team’s awful performance. The fighting eventually settled completely and the poor drunken fans made small talk over college football, cheap beer and pussy - three things that can cool the fire of almost any brawl. Brandon Henley and the friendly ECU student exchanged numbers and are now great friends and temporary cell-mates. Brandon plans to visit the ECU fan in a few weekends, and he seems very sincere about the commitment. So to new Gamecock fans, when you start drinking, make sure you hold back your piss as long as possible, because breaking the seal only leads to more pissing. Wear a wristband, but be honest to cops because they’ll probably find out anyways. The best way to stay out of trouble: just don’t be a dick. And if you are going to get arrested and have your season tickets revoked, at least make it worth it.

! n i l e e e u q Get S

803 252 7229


Full bar * Pool Room *Great Tex-Mex $2 Happy Hour All Nite & Every Nite!

Thursday thru Saturday

We’re open till 3am 803-920-4416 | | 1928 Rosewood Drive, Columbia


921 Sumter st (Across from the Horse shoe)

From the Streets


Got a question you want us to ask?

What’s been the worst part of your first roommate? “I’ve seen him naked way too many times! He barely wears clothes when I’m not there and I come home at the wrong time.” - Sean, Freshman

“I like my roommate, he snores sometimes though.” - Kevin, Freshman

“He’s a really noisy masturbator.” - Brendan, Freshman

send your party pics to

(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)

page 6

College procrastination reaches new heights

cody man wrote this With the first exams in many classes already approaching, students are doing this thing where they spend a lot of time on non-important stuff, trying to avoid doing what they actually need to be doing. You know, that whole beating-around-the-bush thing before getting to the meat of an assignment. It’s like, “Dude, what’s the point of this thing?””I dunno, dude. Have you seen this Gangnam Style video?” Anyway… According to Wikipedia, a whole lot of college students utilize some form of procrastination. Whether it be playing a quick round of Call of Duty, catching up on a little sleep, surfing the Internet, cleaning the apartment, fixing an extravagant meal, or crafting a needlessly long list, there are many things to which today’s students are turning in an effort to put off real work for just a little longer. Many believe that writing assignments in particular cause extraordinary procrastinatory measures among students, including the creation of new adjectives. As a result of the rampant procrastination, USC professors are noticing a growing trend of assignments bearing the tell-tale signs of being last-minute efforts. Reports of printers dying and computers crashing, sloppy oral presentations filled with lots of, uh, verbal fillers, pour grammar in writing assignments, and incomplete thoughts are leaving instructors shaking their However, it is not just students who are having trouble with putting things off until the last minute. There have been numerous reports of professors not returning graded works until weeks and weeks after

the fact, prompting many complaints to USC administration (the university is expected to respond to these complaints sometime in the near future). Other students have noted absurdly long wait times for food from on-campus dining facilities. One Chick-fil-A cook was seen to be staring vacantly into the deep fryer while the line in front of the counter continued to grow. One common refrain among students is the lack of effort put into the creation of exams by their instructors. Tests have become increasingly easy as the problem persists.

harmless. In response to recent questions concerning rising tuitions and costs of student living, USC President Harris Pastides began fidgeting and rambling about his time commitments.

“I had a professor who gave us a one-question exam the other day,” said one totally-not-made-up-at-the-last-minute student. “He said he was too busy watching the Cowboys game the night before to finish making the rest of the test.”

“Well, you see, we’re going to get the tuition issue under control… eventually. There’s just been so much other stuff going on lately. I’ve been trying to get caught up on Breaking Bad, for one. And I mean really, aren’t there so many other things you’d rather us be doing than trying to balance that whole budget? That’s just so much work. We could be doing so many other things instead—like not balancing the budget, for instance. We’re considering building another fountain somewhere before we start working on tuition costs though, what do you guys think?”

“My poli-sci professor was telling us all about this really good book she had been reading on the day we were supposed to have a test,” said another student this author who was definitely actually interviewed was quoted saying “By the time she got done, she admitted that she never actually made out an exam for us and just asked us who the President was before giving us all A’s. In other cases, procrastination could turn out not to be quite so

Above is a chart showing the campus-wide progression of procrastination.

The Top 10

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

page 13

Bathrooms around campus 10) Gambrell: Urinals here are constantly breaking. While the water fountains are not the worst around campus, these bathrooms are subpar. What more can you expect from a bathroom next to a lecture hall? Plenty of guys and maybe even some ladies like to throw in a dip for a long lecture, and if you aren’t taking your lip out in the bathroom, you’ll piss off a few of the surrounding students. One bathroom and 350 students is bad news. 9) Thomas Cooper: These bathrooms are large, quiet and very clean. Unfortunately, in this bathroom you’re going to have to tolerate the treble of someone’s Dre Beats coming from the stall next to you. The toilets are also a bit high, so if you’re short your legs may dangle a little. After eight hours of Adderall-ing, handicap handlebars can’t hurt.

A Gamecock’s Guide to interacting with tour groups usc staff wrote this On Monday, USC students were peacefully eating their lunch in Russell House, only to be awkwardly interrupted by the passing of a tour group. “I was minding my own business and telling my friends about how belligerently blackout I had gotten the night before, when out of nowhere I heard a mom scoff disapprovingly behind me. I turned around to see the criticizing faces of twenty parents staring right at me.” Maxwell Horace, a loyal Russell House diner, recounts. There’s been many incidents of awkward encounters between USC students and tour groups reported in the past few weeks, and it’s not just the students who feel uncomfortable in the presence of a tour group, the USC staff does as well. A professor from the Spanish department explains, “There’s nothing I like more than to walk from class to my car as fast as I possibly can at the end of the day. I hate it when a tour group comes up to me and starts hurling a plethora of questions my way so the parents can get ‘first-hand answers’ from a professor like myself. I can’t help but feel taken advantage of and used. Also, being put on the spot like that is so awkward.” Many students have found themselves in the uncomfortable position of passing members of tour groups performing the tradition of clapping their hands in the circle between Russell House and the library. Parents and rising college freshmen alike marvel over the phenomenon that their clap here is unlike their claps elsewhere. “I think USC is a great school for my son for the fun sound my clap makes when I’m standing next to Russell House,” a Dad sporting cargo shorts from Raleigh, North Carolina excitedly told his tour group leader. Some parents admit to joining tour groups long after their child is in college, just to experience the clapping part over and over again. An anonymous source secretly told The Black Sheep, “Shh, this is my husband and I’s fourth straight year of tours. We get a free drink, are able to freely clap, and learn about the history of South Carolina. It’s a win-win situation!” According to USC Police,

8) Russell House: Most of the time bathrooms located adjacent to a Taco Bell are going to be a disaster. In this case they are constantly being cleaned and are very nice. For the location, these bathrooms are great, however they are closed often. Mostly because of the diarrhea explosions. 7) Humanities: This bathroom isn’t the cleanest, but windows are constantly open, making it very tolerable. If you’re interested in some light reading, the walls are covered with pencil graffiti arguments between frats and GDIs. A freshman can get a lot of useful street knowledge from these stalls. The bathroom is always stocked with paper towels rather than hand dryers, which is definitely a plus.

they are currently putting together an investigation to put a stop to these parents who are using the tours for the personal reasons.

6) Flynn Hall: There are only two very small bathrooms on the first floor, but they are definitely clean. The bathroom is very nice but in an inconvenient location. If the door to the classroom right outside is open, it’s pretty easy to see the entirety of the bathroom if the bathroom door is opened, which is good for voyeurs and no one else.

If you’re afraid of being caught in an awkward situation when coming in contact with one such tour group, there are some great reasons why you shouldn’t be.

5) Jones Physical Science Center/Coker: These restrooms are rarely used and are conveniently located. A two-hour Geology lab can be painful, especially if it’s right after a class. These bathrooms make a good rest point. You can even grab some snacks and a drink from the nearby vending machines if you are into that sort of thing. Definitely above average bathrooms.

First, realize that you’re not alone. The reality is that most of us worry about exactly the same thing when walking across campus. You’re worried you’ll pass a tour group and all the dads will be staring at you staring at their son or daughter and wondering whether you have intentions of corrupting them while they’re here at USC. What you’re doing is over-analyzing the situation, making it much worse than it really is. In actuality, the parents are completely oblivious to the fact that you’re judging the shit out of their kid and wondering what fraternity/sorority they’re gonna be in, or if they’re hot or not. Also, use self-talk to move through feeling socially awkward. Some of the things that can be helpful in overcoming moments of social anxiety include: Saying positive things to yourself such as “I’m fine” “People seem to like what I’m doing” “I am here to enjoy myself” and “People are nice and I’m having fun being around them.” Ask yourself, “what’s the worst that could happen. It’s just a tour group.” The Black Sheep is actively trying to shift the encounters with students and tour groups from epidemic status to something that just “casually” happens around campus. Students are encouraged to interact with such tour groups instead of running away or making awkward eye contact with the rising freshman. Even if that means yelling out of a car full of your boys at a tour group, “If you come to USC then you’re f***ed” followed by throwing trash at them. It’s all progress to us.

4) South Quad: There are not many public bathrooms in this building because there are not many classrooms. The few bathrooms in South Quad are clean but very small, much like in Flynn Hall. 3) LeConte: Overall decent bathrooms. They are maintained well but there is not great air flow. Treat LeConte like a car with a lot of mileage on it; for the amount of use, these bathrooms are good. 2) BA Building: In a large building like this you would expect the bathrooms to be more pleasant, especially considering the amount of elevators. The smell isn’t great and there’s usually some toilet paper on the floor. If we band together as a community, this place could be way, way nicer. 1) Band/Dance Hall: The nicest bathrooms on campus. These are very large, well maintained and have a great water fountain right outside. Chances are, you’ll find yourself in a dance or band class for credits. Either way, you are going to want to hold one in for this poop palace. These bathrooms should definitely be placed on every student’s USC bucket list.

usc staff wrote this

If you don’t start following us...


@BLACKSHEEPUSC Scan to go right to the page!

The Grid





Every Day Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor

Tuesday Boozeday! $2 Domestics

Friday - wednesday Your Lucky Hour from 7-10: $1.50 Bourbon/Vodka, $2 Domestic Beers, $3 Imports

THURS. 9/20

Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor

Tweet for Treat (specials list) Live DJ: 5 Points Largest Dance Party

Lucky’s Live After 5 Outdoor Series! Black Iron Gathering

FRI. 9/21

Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor

SAT. 9/22

Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor

Freaky Friday with Live DJ

DJ Battle with Andre and Brian $4 Goldschlager Your Lucky Hour from 7-10: $1.50 Bourbon or Vodka, $2 Domestic Beers, $3 Imports

Peter Candela

SEC Saturday

Your Lucky Hour from 7-10: $1.50 Bourbon or Vodka, $2 Domestic Beers, $3 Imports

SUN. 9/23


NFL Package!

$1.50 House Liquor, $5 Grandma $5 Rumplemintz Your Lucky Hour from 7-10: $1.50 Bourbon or Vodka, $2 Domestic Beers, $3 Imports

MON. 9/24

Wine Night! $3 Glasses of Wine All Night Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor

$1 Wells NFL Monday Night Football

$2 Ultra & Blue Moon, $4 Fire Ball Your Lucky Hour from 7-10: $1.50 Bourbon or Vodka, $2 Domestic Beers, $3 Imports

TUES. 9/25

Taco Tuesday! $5 Taco Basket Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor

Tuesday Boozeday! $2 Domestics

$2.50 Yuengling, $2 Tequila, $3 Virgil Kaine Your Lucky Hour from 7-10: $1.50 Bourbon or Vodka, $2 Domestic Beers, $3 Imports

WED. 9/26

Corn Hole Tournament @ 8:30 PM Winner Gets $30 Bar Tab Happy Hour! 4:30 - 7:30 pm: $2.50 Can Beer, $4 Wine, $3 House Liquor

Whiskey Wednesday! $2 Bourbon Free games with Drinks!

$2.50 Mich. Ultra, $3 Wine, $4 Fireball Your Lucky Hour from 7-10: $1.50 Bourbon or Vodka, $2 Domestic Beers, $3 Imports


Rockaway tuesday & Friday Oyster Bar! $2.50 Vodka and Bourbon and $0.50 Oysters

Always - All Day, Everyday! $0.99 Beers, $0.99 Shots Loud Food, Tasty Music

EVERYNIGHT! $2 Margaritas, Bud Light, and Tequila Shots


Pint Night! $2.50 All Pints $5 All You Can Drink Tall Boys $1 Busch Light

Pint Night! $1.25 Domestic and $2.00 Imports

$0.99 Beers, $0.99 Shots - Always Loud Food, Tasty Music

1/2 off Sangria Night $2 Margaritas, Bud Light, and Tequila Shots Happy Hour Specials 4pm - 2am


$1 Busch Light $7.50 All You Can Drink Tall Boys $2 Corona and Corona Light

Oyster Bar! $2.50 Vodka and Bourbon and $0.50 Oysters

$0.99 Beers, $0.99 Shots - Always Loud Food, Tasty Music

$2 House Liquor $2 Margaritas, Bud Light, and Tequila Shots Happy Hour Specials 4pm - 2am


$1 Busch Light $7.50 All You Can Drink Tallboys $3 Import / Craft Bottles

Music Trivia at 10:00 pm

$0.99 Beers, $0.99 Shots - Always Loud Food, Tasty Music

$2 House Liquor $2 Margaritas, Bud Light, and Tequila Shots Happy Hour Specials 4pm - 2am



Crablegs - 3 Clusters for $12.50




Service Industry Night - 50% off! (Excludes house liquor, $1 Beers and Tallboys) $1 Busch Light Every Day!

Shrimp Special! Fried or Boiled for $0.30 Oysters for $0.50

$0.99 Beers, $0.99 Shots - Always Loud Food, Tasty Music

$1 Margaritas and $1 Bud Light 20% off of your dinner with a student ID $2 Margaritas, Bud Light, and Tequila Shots Happy Hour Specials 4pm - Midnight

Oyster Bar! $2.50 Vodka and Bourbon and $0.50 Oysters

$0.99 Beers, $0.99 Shots - Always Loud Food, Tasty Music

$1 Margaritas and $1 Bud Light 20% off of dinner with a paystub $2 Margaritas, Bud Light, and Tequila Shots Happy Hour Specials 4pm - Midnight

Trivia at 9:00 pm

$0.99 Beers, $0.99 Shots - Always Loud Food, Tasty Music

$1 Busch Light

$2 Corona Night $2 Margaritas, Bud Light, and Tequila Shots Happy Hour Specials 4pm - Midnight


BINGO! $5 All You Can Drink Tallboys, $1 Busch Light

Service Industry Night!


$2 House Liquor, $2 Tall Boys $3 Van Gogh Vodka

College Night!


FRIDAY: $1 Busch Light $7.50 All You Can Drink Tall Boys $2 Corona and Corona Light

Point / Counter Point:

Fall TV Shows 666 Park Avenue (ABC) Q: A young couple moves into a “too good to be true” apartment complex, and if you haven’t figured it out already from the spoon-fed title, it’s haunted. Who cares about a plot when the preview shows people being sucked into the walls by spirits or committing suicide off the edge of the building? It looks like nothing new, just the same old “whipping out an old book to find out the dragon insignia in the shitter is an evil omen” run-around. Just move you assholes. Problem solved. B: Ah, but Quinn, don’t you see that the producers are taking horror to a whole new level? Because this family leveraged all their assets to afford their Manhattan apartment, they can’t move without dealing with a citizen’s greatest fear: The IRS. Certainly this show is just an extended metaphor for the plight of the American homeowner in the post-recession real estate horrorscape.

Ben and Kate (FOX)

Made in Jersey (CBS)

Q: Ben is played by Academy Award-winning Nat Foxan, and his older sister Kate is played by Dakota Johnson. Ben is the lovable, awkward man-child, and Kate is the uptight but quirky single mom “trying to make ends meet.” While on the surface this looks like a pretty typical setup, Ben will walk the line of getting under your skin and being endearing/funny perfectly - if you can keep your eyes off his mangled grill, that is.

B: “A streetwise lawyer born and raised in New Jersey joins a posh New York City law firm, where she must defend her clients while surviving her colleagues’ skepticism and her Italian family’s constant interruptions.” In other words, a paint-by-numbers drama full of over-the-top stereotypes. WHAT-A? YOU NO LOVE-A YA MOMMA’S SPICY MEAT-ABALL NO MORE NOW YOU A BIG CITY GIRL? GABBAGOO!!!

B: The only upside this show offers is the off-thecharts awkwardness potential. Roommate comedies thrive off of tired odd couple tropes, so when it comes time for Ben and Kate to do, “the single mom gets laid” episode, having Ben say, “I can’t believe I had to hear you during sex last night, you cried harder than when dad spanked you,” will be fun for the whole family.

Q: Get over yourself. If people aren’t constantly reminded of stereotypes, how will we ever know when to judge one another? How will our kids know how to walk the line between “playing it by the book” and “getting their hands dirty once in a while”? A bully beats them up – do they give the perp a few cheap shots before turning him in? We need these shows, Brendan, not everyone can paint without numbers.

The New Normal (FOX)

Chicago Fire (nbc)

The Mindy Project (FOX)

B: Listen up, Hollywood. If your best idea for convincing closed-minded people in flyover states that two dudes getting hitched is okay is a shitty sitcom about a gay couple adopting a baby, we as a nation have much larger problems.

B: A show. About firefighters. In Chicago. Produced by Law & Order creator Dick Wolf, this show promises to have the firefighters discover a fire, threaten it without evidence, get frustrated, find a new fire, question it, only to find that it was the first fire’s fault the whole time right when there’s like, three minutes left in each episode. In 2015 prepare for spinoffs Chicago Fire: Lake Forest and Chicago Fire: Aurora.

B: Ah, a show actually worthy of excitement. After years of seasoning on The Office, Mindy Kaling gets her opportunity to shine. Though The Office may be a shell of its former self, it’s the Bill Walsh of TV shows, spawning disciples that have created current great, Parks and Recreation. Kaling doesn’t rely on any crutches - like her gender or ethnicity - to be funny, so don’t expect any terrible CBS-quality jokes about how hard it is to have one’s period in a sari.

Q: How else do you want them to represent this classic struggle? People in Hollywood are progressive and better looking, everyone else is backwards and old. If sitcoms aren’t the beacon of change in this country, then yes, we as a nation have much larger problems. I look forward to Digger & Greene the unlikely law partnership of the son of an Oil Baron and a UC Berkeley hippie.

Q: Did you want this to be about the Chicago Fire soccer team, or Mrs. O’Leary? It’s called ESPN, Brendan, and they air US Soccer matches at least twice a year. No, this procedural drama is about a bunch of sexy firefighters (modeled after real Chicago firefighters), putting out fires and taking their shirts off. GOOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL (in my pants).

Q: Kelly is annoying, and this seems to be the same character. A female OBGYN with a “unique persona” trying to navigate her personal and professional life? She’s a rom-com aficionado? Give Creed from The Office his own show. Please.

Just like the World Masturbation Championships, the fall TV schedule offers different strokes for different folks. With such a wide breadth of programming, it’s smarrt-- nay-- necessary to have qualified experts breaking down which new shows you should spend time watching this fall. Sadly, we don’t have any experts. Hell, we can barely afford pants. We do have two editors, though. So, we made Quinn and Brendan debate the merits of eight shows debuting this fall.

Malibu Country (abc)

Q: So this is just Reba right? They are trying to say it’s not, but the lead role is Reba McEntire playing “A mother of two kids, and a once country music sensation trying to get her foot back in the door.” Our only hope is that this show is very dark – Reba moves her family to Malibu, but fails to jumpstart her music career. She delves deep into depression and huffing computer dusters, only to accidentally microwave her youngest daughter in the season finale. B: God, then the second season opens up with Reba getting off on a technicality, only now she has a taste for blood. At night she roams the streets of Malibu, committing random acts of violence on unsuspecting rich couples. Thankfully, the Malibu PD have just the man for the case, a grizzled old cop (Jeff Foxworthy) who’s only days away from retirement. He’s following the trail of blood…and it’s on her hands.

Animal Practice (nbc)

Q: As much as one would hate to see anything replace the current NBC lineup, this show might be decent. Whether or not it was the psychotic clusterfu*ck that was the closing ceremonies it aired after, the pilot seemed okay. We really like Justin Kirk (Andy from Weeds) and this show looks like that same character with a mix of Dr. House, but in a veterinary. B: Eh, the dialogue in this show is ruff-er than tree BARK!

the interview


Portland indie rockers Menomena are releasing a new album, Moms, on September 18th before kicking off a nationwide tour. Because they have moms, and we have moms, and you have moms, we thought it would be a wise decision to talk to them. But not about their moms, though. That stuff’s personal, man. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: When starting a new album, what mindset do you put yourself in? Justin Harris: We’ve never put ourselves in the mindset, like, we’re making a concept album. On Moms in particular, early on there was a theme, at least, and it gives us a chance to think about issues that you want to write about. But again, it’s not a concept album my any means. TBS: You guys often introduce new instruments into your music. Is that your attempt to create a specific sound you’re looking for, or just a challenge to yourself? Justin: A lot of the time it’s, “How do we make that sound?” TBS: Have you ever had an experience where it just didn’t work? Justin: Yeah, definitely. [Laughs] There might be a couple of times on this album where we’re not sure if it’ll work or not. TBS: There’s democracy behind your songwriting, when do you know you have a finished song? Justin: For us, it’s the person who started writing a song who decides when the song is done. For me, over the years I’ve become familiar with the process. When I start playing something, I see it getting better, and eventually I just know when it’s done. TBS: You guys go to great lengths to recreate how your album sounds live on stage. Why? Justin: I don’t know, we started off early on thinking that’s what you do. You create your music on stage. Sure, it won’t sound exactly the same, but it’s really important to make sure the signatures of the songs are recreated on stage. TBS: With all that stuff going on, how much practice gets into making sure you can perform without screwing something up? Justin: A lot. We spend a lot of individual time working on getting to that point. On one of our songs on the last album I was supposed to be able to play this sax part and this bass part while on stage. Then I handed over the sax part to someone else, but it turns out my body wasn’t prepared for it. I couldn’t do one without the other, because I had trained my body to do both. It was an interesting realization for me. TBS: So how do you strike the balance between doing all that and still having a sense of showmanship? Justin: It’s something I struggle with daily. There’s a big part of me that wishes I could just go up there and play my instruments, but there’s an element of showmanship that’s necessary in a live show. The more we play songs, the easier it is to incorporate that kind of stuff as part of the show. At the same time, it helps that we have a really animated drummer. [Laughs] TBS: What kind of music are you interested in that your fans wouldn’t assume you’re interested in? Justin: Man, I wish I could ask [band mate] Danny Siem, he listens to a much wider variety of music than I do. I went to the symphony last weekend with a friend of mine, and it got me thinking about symphonics. TBS: What would you consider your greatest athletic achievement? Justin: Hmm, it’s been many years. I pitched a no-hitter in high school.

the big three

entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.

the perks of being a wallflower in theaters - 9/21

Based on the 1999 uber-emotional (albeit, spot-on) novel by Stephen Chbosky, Perks tells the tale of self-proclaimed wallflower Charlie (Logan Lerman), an incoming high school freshman. The first-person narrative takes us through his highs and lows of adolescence, from the freeing feeling of being infinite to his rocky pursuit of his friend's sister (Emma Watson).

no doubt - push and shove in store - 9/25

Sure, Gwen Stefani has released two solo albums in the past decade that were so successful that that shit was bananas. But the group has a whole hasn't released an album since 2001's Rock Steady, and these Californians have been hard at work on their latest album since 2010. Push and Shove, their sixth studio album, features beat geniuses Diplo and Major Lazer. Check out "Settle Down" and "Push and Shove."

brickleberry 9/25 @ 10:30pm on comedyy central

If you watched Tosh.0 last season, you know a thing or two about the new animated series from the disturbed yet hilarious mind of comedian Daniel Tosh. With celebrities galore doing the voiceovers of these national park forest rangers, we're looking forward to a new animated comedy that is one part Parks and Rec and one part South Park.

page 12

bartender of the week Jeff k. breakers What is your favorite shot to serve customers?: I like pouring a straight shot of Fireball. It’s simple and a crowd favorite. Also, Friday is $3 Fireball night. How long have you worked at Breakers?: Around 4 months. What’s your favorite story from working here?: One time there was a pretty girl dancing in the middle of the place with a strapless shirt on. Some asshole, or nice guy if you look at it that way, came up to her and ripped her top down, giving everyone quite the show. On a scale of MPH, how drunk do you get on a normal night?: When I’m bartending, I like to keep my speed school zone appropriate. Do you hit on girls as part of your job or for your own personal pleasure?: A little bit of both, I guess. I only hit on the good-looking girls and only good-looking girls come to Breakers. If you didn’t bartend what’s your dream job?: Being a private mega yacht captain. What night is the best night to find you bartending?: Monday night for sure. $2 Bud Lights, Monday Night Football, and live music!

the drinking game

across the bridge

Recipe for Disaster

Impostor Cinnastix

Feeling lucky? This game takes absolutely no skill whatsoever! It also requires little thought and physical movement. As that weird-looking chick from The Hunger Games says, “May the odds be ever in your favor.”

You’re at the peak of your “munchies stage” and you’re craving Domino’s Cinnastix, however you’re too lazy to get off your ass and walk to a Domino’s. Then you realize your pocket full of dollar bills is now just a pocket full of bad decisions and the aroma of stripper perfume. What do you do? Make these Impostor Cinnastix, that’s what!

What You’ll Need: A deck of cards and your brew of choice. Number of Players: Two or more. Just make sure you have enough cards! Level of Intoxication: If you’re lucky, you’ll get tipsy. If you’re unlucky, you’ll black out.

What You’ll Need: Bread, butter, sugar, cinnamon, milk, powdered sugar. Cook Time: 20 minutes. Fatty Factor: If you’re on a diet, just stop reading now.

How to Play: - Deal ten cards face down in a straight line for your “bridge.” - One player starts the game by flipping the first card. - If the card is a 2 through 10, the player can move on to flipping the next card. - If the flipped card is a face card (jack, queen, king or ace), the player must drink (one second for a jack, two for a queen, three for a king, and four for an ace). - The player must also add cards onto the end of your bridge (one for a jack, two for a queen, three for a king and four for an ace). - The next player flips their next card and continues the game in the same fashion. The Game Ends When: One player stumbles all the way across the bridge. In that case, shuffle the cards and start over.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

Let’s Get Baked: - Lay pieces of bread onto a piece of foil. - Microwave ¼ cup of butter. - Spread the butter across your pieces of bread. - Mix 2 teaspoons of cinnamon and ½ cup of sugar in a bowl. - Sprinkle your cinnamon sugar on top of your bread. - Let your bread bake in the oven for 10 minutes on 150 degrees. - In a separate bowl, mix ¼ cup of melted butter with ¼ tablespoon of milk and 2 tablespoons of powdered sugar. - Mix well until it looks like icing. - Take your bread out of the oven and let cool. - Drizzle your icing on top of your bread. Bring these with you to the bars and sell them for five bucks a piece to those drunken girls who “need something to absorb the obscene amount of alcohol they drank.” Yeah, good luck with that.

Hungry for More?

page 13

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

Maps given to South Africa, The Iraq; world peace ensues cody man wrote this In a bold and insightful move, the United States government officials recently organized the delivery of world maps to densely populated areas of South Africa and The Iraq, prompting an almost immediate reconciliation between all contentious factions in the region and the U.S. “Now that these previously warring areas have seen world maps, it’s like the sudden realization of the vastness of our Earth, and ultimately their relatively small influence on it, has had a calming effect,” said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. “It’s amazing that someone had the insight to recognize this as a potential solution. It required such a deep understanding of human nature and diplomatic relations that it’s no wonder no one here figured out to do this earlier.” According the Clinton, the state was acting upon the advice of a trusted consultant who was recommended to the White House after demonstrating an exhaustive knowledge of international relations. “At first some of us were a little skeptical, especially when she didn’t know what the word ‘skeptical’ meant,” said Clinton. “But once we were finally able to decipher what it was she was trying to tell us, we thought it might just be crazy enough to work. And you can see the results for yourself.” “It seems like all anyone needs to be peaceful is a little perspective.” The consultant was later acknowledged to be 23-year-old Caitlin Upton, a South Carolinian who grew up in Lexington. Upton first

came to the attention of the federal government after her showing at the 2007 Miss Teen USA beauty pageant. “As we were listening to her very thorough explanation in response to the question posed, we all knew that this was the person with the knowledge necessary to bring about world peace,” said a White House secretary who was present at the pageant. “We all actually feel a little dumber whenever we’re around her. We think it’s because of her clear intelligence and the very precise way in which she expresses it.” The press conference was then stalled for three hours in order for Upton to “put on her face” before addressing the media. With a Nobel Peace Prize and worldwide acclaim likely in her future, Upton was slowly asked what she felt about the implementation of her idea. “…Im-plan-tation? No, they’re natural,” the former beauty queen replied with a smile. Widely being hailed as one of the brightest ideas in our nation’s recent memory, the map drop plan is rooted in Upton’s belief of using one’s gifts to help others. “Like I’ve said before in the past, I personally believe that our education over here in the U.S. should help South Africa and should help The Iraq, like I think I have just did. U.S. Americans are always helping other places, like such as those Asian countries. I guess we’re just more, uh, smarter and helpful.”


Upton then went on a rambling discussion about the possibility of delivering personal grooming kits to Antarctica, stating that penguins would look better “in their little suits” if they kept themselves “cleaner, like as our dressed-up people over here do.” Citing the draining effect of attempting to hold a conversation with Upton, a government official concluded the press conference by stating that Upton would be given a mirror to keep her quiet until the world once again needed her political expertise.










and take 15% Off

THE RANGE West Columbia, SC |

803-256-0557 1001 HARDEN ST, COLUMBIA

the classtime • Cans of ___1___, to mix in my roommates ___2___ blender with ___3___ so I can get my bulk on finally. • ___4___ and ___5___ to get my freak on with the ladies. Maybe some ___6___ for when we ___7___? Also, paper towels.

madlib: Grocery Store List 1) gross protein 2) adjective for bad 3) Vegetable 4) Ice cream topping 5) Uncommon fruit 6) type of syrup 7) sex position 8) bright color 9) B-List athlete 10) type of cheese 11) type of spice 12) Large number 13) flavor 14) slang for weed 15) odd pet 16) shitty beer 17) craft beer 18) adjective for mean 19) fruit 20) hard liquor 21) Expensive alcohol 22) childhood snack

• Oh yeah, and ___13___ bagels. Oh yeah, and ___14___ but that’s from Carl. • Peanut butter, to mess with our neighbor’s ___15___ . And my ex. • Several cases of ___16___ and a 6-pack of ___17___ to impress my ___18___ dad.

• Solo cups ( ___8___ ones! Err’one • Dumb ___19___ Burnetts, so love neon.) and ping-pong balls. the hotties dance on the table. ___20___ so my bros get into • The new Doritos, ___9___ Exbrawls. ___21___ for the people I treme ___10___ , ___11___ Blast. really care about (slam pieces). • ___12___ cases of Mountain • ___22___, if I can find them, for Dew, doubles as a chaser and those lonely nights. hangover cure.

Meet The Staff campus manager Scott Bellanger Editorial manager Michael Rinderman Advertising Managers Matt Garibaldi Justin Mims Ryan Skelly Writers Cody Brown, Mel Gaddy Mike Singer photographer You? Come on... distribution manager Top Secret Ninja promotions manager Alyssa Walter

Find Us At...

campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Scott Bellander, Matt Garibaldi, Justin Mims, Ryan Skelly, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers Questions? Advertising? Hate Us?

Adam’s University Bookstore 5 Points Pub Back Porch Bey’s The Big Ugly Blue Tile Skateboards Breakers Cantina 76 Carolina Cafe CJ’s College Grounds Cafe Cycle Center

D’s Wings Dano’s Pizza Flying Saucer Garnet River Walk Granby Groucho’s Hawg Scooters Jake’s Bar and Grill Kellys Deli and Pub The Library The Lofts Lucky’s Mellow Mushroon

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Natural Vibrations Olympia Palmetto Outdoors Parrotheads Pawley’s Front Porch Pinch Pizza Joint Pizza Man Publick House The Range The Rapids Red Hot’s Riverside

Rockaway’s Rolling Stone Sakitumi Grill & Sushi Bar Salsaritas Senor O’Malley’s Sharkey’s State St Pub Tin Roof Tio’s Uncle Hesters University of South Carolina Bookstore Village Idiot

Vista Tanning Wild Wing Cafe Woodland’s World of Beer University Oaks Stadium Suites Pointe West Copper Beach All Greek Houses AND MORE!

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Ave. Suite 1 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

the classtime

chain restaurant round up Applebees arbys burger king checkers chilis culvers dairy Queen jimmy johns kfc mcdonalds

olive garden panda express Panera PIzza hut popeyes quiznos subway taco bell Wendys white castle

It’s a Semester of

L.u.c.k Lucky’s University of Cocktail Knockouts







• Tube, Kayak and Canoe Rentals • Hourly Shuttles • Class II White Water • Commercial Tubes with canvas jacket and mesh bottom

• Average Time: 2-3 Hours • Weekday discounts for groups of 20 or more • All Equipment Included to Safely Get You Down River

South Carolina Fall Issue 5 - 9/20/2012  

South Carolina Fall Issue 5 - 9/20/2012

Read more
Read more
Similar to
Popular now
Just for you