The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 2 8/30/12 -9/5/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepusc
Bros Disagree, Nothing Happens cody wrote this COLUMBIA, SC Saturday, two bros were spotted in their natural habitat, a local bar. The bros were performing their habitual mating techniques on several “sorostitutes,” when the two began to clash on the streets of Five Points. According to several reports, the clash started when both bros were attempting to “get it in” on the same freshman female. Several insults were exchanged between the two, followed by some very intense pushing, shoving, and pointing. Eventually, middle fingers were exchanged before they suddenly stopped the altercation and went their separate ways. Sources don’t know why exactly the fight ended so suddenly, but The Black Sheep believes that the two of them were, in fact, sackless d-bags. Witnesses at the scene reported seeing signs of “fronting” and “douchebaggery” before the heated confrontation began. Another witness reported hearing a tirade of profanity that would have escalated into a physical altercation in most circumstances. In any normal situation the night’s events would have ended in a clash, but thankfully the two parties involved were just “dudes being dudes.” The self-described “brotha’ froma’ notha’ motha’” recalled that “If I’da been ona dem foos I’da beat they odda’s face in wit a nine iron.” While the witnesses’ affinity for golf remains unconfirmed, it is clear that if the two bros were “real” rather than “pretty-boy bitches,” a real ass-beating would have ensued. After several repeated hyperbolic, but inconsequential verbal exchanges, the bros departed to “go smoke sticky buds.” While the origin of the bros’ remains unconfirmed, we do have reports that they were both from the bro-center of America, Northern Virginia. Better known as “NoVa,” Northern Virginia has long been a major bro hub. Filled with lacrosse players, white basketball players, and a good bit of stoners, “NoVa” is a melting pot of bros. With approximately 7 million bros being sent out to college from NoVa each year, USC is not the first school to experience such a rash in bro-ness. Many around the country have dubbed these brave NoVa college students as “Bro-mads.” Bro migration has increased in the past several years. Researchers are still trying to find the exact reason for the increased bro spread, especially into schools in the Southeast United States. One bro, when asked for comment, explained, “the South rages the hardest, that’s why so many bros come down here. The girls are hot and the parties are huge. Simple as that. I got bros from back in NoVa that go to Alabama, Auburn, and Ole Miss, too.” This incident highlights the problems with bro activity South Carolina has had in recent months. The Woodland’s pool was crushed,
5 Places to Have Sex on Campus It’s never too late to start your bucket list.
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just this last weekend by “an epic rager.” We at The Black Sheep would like to warn our readers about bros in Five Points. Some helpful advice to avoid bros: -Stay in a group: Bros are less likely to confront a group of males traveling together, while a group of girls provides a catty herd defense against unwanted brosexual advances. -Don’t laugh at their jokes: Bros gain power when acknowledged by a non-bro. This easy-excitable sub-culture has been known to elicit laughter by re-telling jokes they saw while watching stand-up comedy in class.
what’s inside
Secret Rush Party Levels Greek Village
-Do NOT mention you like to smoke weed sometimes; unless you want to be kidnapped and forced to hit the bros bong. -Avoid starting chants at all costs: A chant will cause bros will swarm the immediate vicinity. This will lead to a sudden outbreak of bro-on-bro violence. Authorities warn that this most recent incident of bro violence will almost certainly not be the last. Concerned college students may contact the Bro Crisis Hotline at 1-800-BRO-NONO.
That freshman kid: the try hard rushee
can we collectively blame it on the lion?
awwww and he still wears his lanyard!
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