The Black Sheep
FR EE de ... Li greeke u as sing to a ile Cle tp m ap so er n !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 12 11/15/12 -11/29/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepusc
The Dabo Diss
Anita Newman wrote this
If your apparent lack of intelligence has you scratching your ass thinking -“How the hell am I going to get a job?” - fear not. If Clemson head football coach Dabo Swinney can do it, anyone can. With the number sixty-three representing both his I.Q. and average traveling speed on thirty-five mph country roads, million-dollar-Dabo is evolutionary proof that bullshitters can get ahead, no matter how stupid they are. A product of the prestigious Alabama school system, Dabo was born n’ raised in da backwoods. It was 1969, the year of love, when Dabo emerged from his mother’s haunches. Legend has it the doctor smacked everyone in the room. In elementary school Dabo stood out, properly spelling the word “daggonit” to win his sixth grade spelling bee. By the time he learned to read and write he was already accepted into college. Dabo was a walk-on wide receiver and a Pi Kappa Alpha frat star at the University of Alabama, where he claims to have spent three years sharing a bed with his mother. Pending the confirmation of this fact, it remains unclear if any freaky threesomes occurred during this period. Against all odds, Dabo made it out of college alive and still able to articulate a semi-coherent sentence. Having already met the criteria for unnecessary arrogance and poor decision-making, the above facts qualified him as the perfect candidate for head football coach at Clemson University. They say to be successful you have to be smarter than what you’re working with. This is probably why Dabo is so at home in good ol’ corn country South Carolina. Between the radiation-leaking power lines, nuclear reactors and carbon monoxide cow farts, Clemson’s mental competence per capita is well below the national average. Citywide EEGs found that, on average, holes in the brains of city residents were comparable to the likes of Keith Richards and Ozzy Osbourne—
Farm animals run rampage
damaged beyond repair. And, for whatever reason, these drooling carbon life forms worship the ground Dabo’s size ten feet walk on. There is a reason people are sitting on his face when they pass out on bus stop benches. There is a reason that half of the city looks at his face when they buy their toilet paper and daily double fistfuls of Colt 45. He’s a certified redneck rock star. And shooee-ee, in his patch of Nothingsville, Emperor Dabo reigns supreme. But, as we won’t soon forget, last January trash-talking Dabo, the former ‘Bama national championship tag along, was stunned by a record-breaking ass whooping. Play after play after play, West Virginia penetrated and inseminated Clem-
what’s inside
Hipster’s Guide to Sorority Life
Horses, cows, pigs - all unrecognizable among Clemson student body.
Lose that sense of individuality girlfriend, it’s time to blend in!
page 4
page 6
son’s end zone like an unlubricated glove in a horse’s vagina. For Carolina fans, it was a disgustingly satisfying feeling as we watched Clemson’s village idiots reduce themselves to a level of bitchery not seen in all of Division I college football’s 109 years. The young coach managed to keep his job, and instead got his defensive coordinator fired…Ata’ boy Swinney, keep puttin’ them collard greens on the table. When he’s not blatantly breaking the law or getting innocent policemen fired for his own wrongdoings, you can find Dabo reading speeches someone else wrote, or staring blankly in between questions at a loser’s press conference, with a resting face resembling that of a disgruntled sugar glider. It has been said that the formula for success is to under-promise and overachieve—Congratulations on doing neither, Dabo. Roll Tide.
Top Ten Homecoming Events you Probably Won’t Attend Cock Banners! Cock Parades! Cock Tailgates!
page 7