Volume 3
The Black Sheep
rea Free! lly m Lik ake e we you wou pay ld for this .
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 6
PANIC ERUPTS
AS ENGINEERS ARE LEFT UNADMINISTRATED David Sotirovski wrote this The Engineering Administration Building is now almost completely demolished and the College of Engineering has turned to total chaos without any oversight. Deadly injuries have been avoided, and no serious damage has been done, but it’s becoming more and more evident that things are beginning to spiral out of control for Purdue’s most illustrious department. Last Wednesday, for instance, custodians spent nearly five hours trying to scrub burn marks off the walls of Armstrong after a group of aerospace engineering students launched a three-stage rocket-- that’s two engines and a payload—inside the building. The aerial menace left a ten-foot black streak on each side of the third floor hallway and managed to knock out four ceiling tiles on its path of destruction. One of the ceiling tiles caught on fire, but a student walking out of a nearby classroom bravely stomped it out before it spread to anything else. It is uncertain whether or not the payload reached its target because we don’t know whether or not the target was the Dean’s Office. However, the general consensus around the student body is that it was indeed the target, in which case it was definitely reached. The police suspect there may have been chemical engineers also involved as the payload was a water balloon filled with a substance whose sole purpose was to smell as bad as possible. Due to initial concern the fluid was something toxic meant to cause harm, a HAZMAT team was called to the building to run the necessary tests. It did not take them long to realize that this was not in fact an act of terrorism, just good old-fashioned idiocy. The Dean of Engineering’s office is expected to smell normal within a week. Authorities have no thoughts as to the motive behind this act of aeronautical tomfoolery. They also had no comments to give, unlike some Purdue employees. “I had just clocked out and was leaving the office when out of nowhere a rocket shot past me and flew down the hallway like a bat out of hell,” claimed an annoyed Betsy Ross, 16-year veteran of the custodial staff. “I left Beering and came to Armstrong to get away from these kind of shenanigans. Why can’t these kids launch their rockets in the parking lot or something?” In addition to the rocket, sources say that an entire section of Thermodynamics, ME 200, has failed the recent midterm. Not only have they all
failed, but every single person in the class received a 0% on the test. No one accidentally correctly guessed an answer in what is surely some sort of act of protest against the difficulty of one of Purdue’s most notorious “weed-out” classes. Professors are not really sure what do about this strange unionizing of students, not to cheat, but to deliberately fail. It is now impossible for anyone in the class to get better than a C. What will happen if or when an entire section fails to pass the class?
We must ask ourselves, is all of this nonsense worth it? ENAD will come down to make way for the Active Learning Center, designed to help combat the passive learning that has been going on lately. At the budget meeting, this was apparently determined to be a bigger problem than the fact that the average school computer takes 15 minutes to log onto and is running an operating system that came out seven years ago, before many of Purdue’s students were even in high school.
PAGE 5
PAGE 10
PAGES 12-13
TOP 10: EXCUSES YOUR FRIENDS GIVE TO NOT HANG OUT WITH YOU
GIRLS TROUBLED BY UNATTAINABLE STANDARDS OF QUIRKINESS
HOW TO FIX 2014’S WORST NEW SHOWS (WITHOUT CHANGING THEIR NAMES)
YOU’VE HEARD IT ALL, AND THESE ARE THE TOP 10.
IT’S GETTING HARDER AND HARDER TO KEEP UP.
THIS FALL’S TELEVISION LINEUP IS ATROCIOUS. HERE’S WHAT WE THINK WOULD HELP.
FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_PU NOVEMBER 6th, 2014 - NOVEMBER 19th, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM