Purdue - Issue 4 - 10/9/2014

Volume 3

The Black Sheep

you Free get ! Hon you est r w ly, l i-fi. ike Not how eve n so rry.

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Issue 5

THE BOILERMAKER GUIDE TO

OCTOBER BREAK Don’t Wear Pants. Ever:

What’s the worst part about going to class every morning? No, not the indescribable pain of removing yourself from a warm, cozy bed. While that is a pain that every college student can relate to, by far the worst part of class is wearing pants.

Balls get sweaty, we’d imagine vaginas get… uncomfortable? We don’t how vaginas react to pants, if you know shoot us an email. Anyway, to truly make the most of your October Break don’t put on pants unless it is absolutely necessary.

And over October Break, absolutely necessities entail procuring food, alcohol, or sex. You probably won’t be having sex, and pizza is easy to get delivered, so don’t wear pants. Seize the opportunity!

Binge, On Everything:

Ever binge watch an entire series on Netflix? Like, skipping all your classes for two weeks, just to see if Jim and Pam get together? SPOILER: they both die in an office fire due to Michael’s negligence.

Now apply that same mentality to every other facet of your life over October Break. Binge on sleep. 15 hours per night. Binge on coffee, sleeping so much will leave you lethargic. Binge on food.

You’ve been ordering a lot of pizza, man, eat that shit. Showers? Screw the electric bill, you’re on October Break. Homework?

NO. STOP. NO.

DRINK:

Hey freshmen, you think you’ve drank before? You’ve never experienced October Breakfest (not to be confused with October Breakfast, which is pumpkin flavored pancakes, eggs, and bacon). As per the previous point, you should binge

October Break is here, Boilermakers. The awkward stepchild of the breaks from school, sometimes it’s difficult to pin down what exactly to do during this four-day vacation. It’s not long enough to go anywhere of consequence, but it is long enough to make you yearn for a full week away from the drudgery that is higher education. Below is some advice on how to have the trillest, carpe diem-filled October Break ever. By Josh

on everything over October Break. Now, The Black Sheep would never advocate any harmful behavior. But, you’re on October Break! You disregard rules and conventions! Drink that liter of Svedka (responsibly) in that girl’s room your homie dragged you to because he is trying to smash (responsibly). Spend an entire day at Harry’s eating popcorn and drinking White Russians (responsibly). You do you, forget responsibility (responsibly).

Neglect Your Responsibilities:

Homework? Nah. Laundry? No. Tinder date? Tell her to come to your dorm, dog. Tell her to bring pizza. You have no responsibilities for these four glorious days. Really, this is the heart and soul of October Break. You’ve been working your ass off with the occasional trip to a class, or the 15 minutes of homework you manage to etch into your schedule every day. You deserve a break. Ignore those “Academic Warning Signal” emails for another weekend, they can’t be that serious.

Go Home:

Because you miss home, mom’s cooking, your dog, and you don’t want to miss a chance to hook up with your high school girlfriend. Sounds trill to us. To keep in the spirit of October Break though, your visit should be accompanied with an air of arrogance and superiority. Make sure every knows how important you are because you go to Purdue. Let your parents know how lucky they are to have a child like you. Then proceed to spend your vacation in your room crying because that dime piece you met at a party last weekend won’t text you back.

When class resumes on the 15th, review this. Did you accomplish any? If you did, treat yourself to some (more?) Mad Mushroom.

Vacation doesn’t really have to be over yet.

PAGE 5

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PAGES 12-13

TOP 10: SEX TIPS FOR FALL

ENGINEERING STUDENTS BEGIN SEMIANNUAL MATING RITUAL

NEWS HAPPENING SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD TODAY, PROBABLY

THE ONE GIRL IN CLASS IS IN FOR A RUDEAWAKENING.

MONEY, LAWS, GUNS, SPORTS, iPHONES… IT ALL HAS TO BE HAPPENING, RIGHT?

RAKE PLAY IS NOT RECOMMENDED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE.

FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_PU OCTOBER 9th, 2014 - OCTOBER 22nd, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

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A FEW MORE WAYS

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BEAT OUR CAPTION!

TO KILL SOME TIME.

THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!

THE WAYWARD WAYNE “Finally, we can be together,” Karen whispered to Brian, moments after the Space Supreme Court struck down laws banning inter-Kingdom marriages.

Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

WORD of the WEEK

REMARKETABLE Anything sold purely because of its nostalgic value.

Lenny paid a handsome $35 for a remarketable Saved by the Bell t-shirt—the show came out before he was even born.

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is.

Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer.

If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

1

Is considered an expert on sneakers.

2

Recently lost 75 pounds.

3

Began working at a pawn shop at age 21.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_PU

Study Shows Brief Eye-Contact With Stranger Confirms Every Self-Doubt You’ve Ever Had Staff wrote this

Early reports are saying the injury – which required immediate assistance – was a result of hard contact with cement along State St. “I got pretty drunk and dropped her right on the sidewalk,” Lowrey remembered, wiping away tears from her eyes.

“I can’t even describe how bad I feel right now. I never meant to drop her.”

Professor Jeffrey Conlon, who led the study, announced the results of his team’s findings to reporters in front of the Student Health Center this morning:

Conlon said that his team’s re-

Staff wrote this

West Lafayette – Freshman Jennifer Lowrey’s best friend was rushed to the hospital Saturday night with a broken screen.

Purdue researchers announced findings Tuesday that show the brief eye contact you made with a stranger on the Quad this morning confirms every self-doubt you’ve ever had.

“We’ve found that every time you look into a stranger’s eyes on your way to class, they do in fact know about every embarrassing thing you’ve ever done in your lifetime,” Professor Conlon said. “Do you remember that time last year when your friend walked in on you in the bathroom and laughed at how small your dick was?

That stranger probably knows all about it. And it’s all they’re thinking about when they see you walking by.”

Student’s Best Friend Hospitalized With Broken Screen

Doctors told reporters Sunday morning that Lowrey’s best friend will be recovering for three-to-five business days.

“The injury was pretty bad,” Doctor Ben Davidson said, rubbing the back of his neck while breaking the bad news to Lowrey. “There’s some obvious external damage, but the fear is that there were some internal issues caused by the fall.”

search also shows that once you break eye contact with a stranger and part ways, there’s a 98.7% likelihood that the first thing they tell all of their friends in their next class is how terrible of a person you really are.

“It’s also extremely probable that they have already posted on multiple social media networks about how funny you looked today,” professor Conlon informed reporters. “Maybe next time you should wear a different shirt.”

Although the university study showed no signs of immediate physical harm or death due to having brief eye contact with a stranger, it did show dramatic effects on life after contact.

“Most of the subjects in our study showed signs of having no friends and bad acne,” professor Conlon said. “A fair amount of them also seemed to have nobody that loves them or cares about any feelings they may have about the struggles of a young adult’s life.”

Friends close with Lowrey said she spent the most of her time with the hospitalized friend and can’t imagine going through day-to-day activities without her.

“Jennifer seemed to never stop paying attention to her,” said Beth Conrad, Lowrey’s roommate. “I don’t know what Jennifer’s going to do without her. She did everything with her. They took pictures together, she always woke Jennifer up in time for class every morning, and Jennifer even relied on her as a mouthpiece to speak with her family.”

Conrad said Lowrey just stares blankly at a wall now that she must wait for her friend’s recovery to be over.

“It’s really sad,” Conrad said, gently rubbing the shoulder of a cognitively distant Lowrey. “Jen’s just so reliant on her. Maybe now she’ll be able to notice the millions of other beautiful, tiny details of life that surround her every second of every day besides her one friend.”

SAY WHAT!?

Police Body Cameras Accidentally Film Porno Staff wrote this

“My partner and I used the camera to film ourselves doing parkour on the Quad,” said officer Mike Thompson. “It was pretty rad.”

When night fell on campus, the officers became busier, breaking up parties and pulling people over for drunk driving.

But it wasn’t until a few days later when they looked over the footage that they realized they made a huge mistake.

“Well, uh, when we finally, uh, reviewed the footage... we realized we accidentally filmed... a porno,” said Police Chief Gary Roberts.

While breaking up parties and chasing down drunk people, university police caught plenty of nudity on camera. On one night, they encountered two flashers and the everwelcoming public masturbator.

In the early morning, they found two people having sex in the Engineering Fountain.

“We basically filmed a super bad version of Superbad,” said Thompson.

In the evening, the cameras c a u g h t f re s h m e n b oys with jewfros trying to buy booze from Village Bottle.

The problem was, he wasn’t wearing any pants.

“Kid even tried using a fake ID with the name Al Balsac,” said

Sex tips for fall The weather may be cooling down, but that doesn’t mean your love life has to! Use The Black Sheep’s best ideas for the sexiest encounter you can have short of fornicating on the roof of Chipotle.

10.) Getting Down and Dirty in the Leaves: Summer (and sex on the beach) is over, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still get adventurous outdoors! Rake the leaves in your undies and then celebrate on the pile when you’re done. Cleanup will be a breeze, as you’re burning all the leaves anyway. Caution: rake play is not recommended under any circumstances.

As Indiana legislators are trying to decide whether police should wear body cameras, they decided they needed a guinea pig to test it out. The legislators put the names of every police division throughout the state in a hat and drew a slip of paper. The winner? The Purdue University.

University police strapped cameras to their bodies earlier this week before heading out on their shifts. During the daytime shifts, there wasn’t too much going on, aside from giving tickets to bikers who didn’t use proper hand signs.

THE TOP TEN

Thompson.

The real trouble started when university police responded to noise complaint calls. A police report stated a girl called 911 when she thought she heard a man slamming a cat against the wall of his apartment in Tower at Third.

When police responded to the scene, they thankfully found a man having sex with a woman against a wall instead of a cat; however, the woman was wearing cat ears and meowing with each thrust. The cameras caught everything until the unnamed man and woman noticed the police.

“We basically filmed a super bad version of Superbad.”

“And that is one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen on the job,” said officer Bill Carson, Thompson’s partner.

Later the same night, Carson and Thompson responded to a call about a party that got out of control.

Upstairs, they found a makeshift photo studio in the attic. Two men were directing the lights while one operated a camera phone to get the

perfect dick pics to send to the girls downstairs.

“I had the unfortunate task of telling them that no lighting will make it look bigger,” said Carson, shuddering in disgust.

The two officers didn’t realize they were filming a porno while they were on call. It wasn’t until Chief Roberts called them into his office that they realized something was up.

The university police IT department is in charge of watching all the footage to make sure officers are held accountable for their actions and are acting ethically on the job. The IT staff weren’t going to tell anyone about the gold mine they struck when they watched the footage, but Chief Roberts overheard their giggling in the control room.

“I’m ashamed of what’s happened with the cameras,” said Chief Roberts. “But at least I think we’ve worked out the kinks now for Indiana legislators.”

Instead of letting all the footage go to waste, the university police decided to host a fundraiser for the Children Born With Less Than Ten Fingers and Toes charity by selling the edited footage as a porno to campus students.

“It’s all about paying it forward,” said Thompson. “We may have made a porno, but all those kids got some cash out of it.”

9.) Apple Donuts: Fellas, you know where this is going. Solo or as part of a very cautious “bobbing for apples” session with your partner, nothing keeps the energy alive quite like bringing comfort food into the bedroom. For singles, enjoy repeatedly plunging and unsheathing your mighty wooden staff into the warm cinnamon-y cavity your standard donut has to offer. Buying two is optimal, as the second can be eaten to dull the dawning sense of horror set off by having sex with an apple donut.

8.) Scarf Bondage: This is a warm and cuddly way to enter the world of “lite” BDSM with that special someone. Plus, getting hardcore into this subculture might help you develop your talents for the art of erotic knitting. With the proper marketing, that kind of craftsmanship could easily make you a fortune on Etsy.

7.) Summon Persephone (And Your Wild Side!): Fall is when the ancient Greeks celebrated the return of Persephone from the Underworld. Perform a modern-day summoning ritual by crushing some herbs over the fire and curvaceously communing with your two favorite priests or priestesses for some oldfashioned fun. Make this more even more exciting by “forgetting” to wear your favorite sweater and jeans under your sacred robes.

6.) Halloween’s Not the Only Thing Coming: Dress as sexy skeletons to get you both in the mood for some serious boning!

5.) Fall Pheromones: Leave a trail of empty Starbucks cups to the bedroom. When your lover gets home from their intramural volleyball match, they’ll follow it to find you stretched across the linens, wearing nothing but a sensual layer of pumpkin spice. The smell will cause an instant fallgasm, guaranteed.

4.) Teacher Roleplay: Put on your hottest glasses and sit in a separate room while a graduate student does all of the work.

3.) Sexy Scavenging: As said earlier, food in the bedroom is always a good idea. After a cuddly walk in the woods to procure supplies, craft some edible lingerie for yourselves out of fall berries and then feast. This is also a good way to gain a protective layer of fat in preparation for awesome hibernation sex in December.

2.) Schoolyard Scandal: Bring back a sense of youthful charm in your lovemaking by communicating only in notes ending in “circle Y/N.” 1.) Carnal Campaign: In honor of the election, gerrymander arbitrary sections of your partner’s body in red and blue body paint and pay attention to only those that might vote in agreement with your views. Don’t forget to win over the “swing states,” as you’ll never get elected without the votes of both the derriere and left patella tendon.

Staff wrote this

PARTY PICS

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS If you were stranded on an island with only what you had in your backpack/ purse, what’s the weirdest thing you would be stranded with?

WILL “Travel-sized Jack Daniel’s bottles.”

RACHEL “A parking ticket from 2011.”

DAN “My good luck eraser. It’s a Poke Ball.”

06

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FRIDAY! $3 Any Well Drink $3 Shots, $4 Bombs $12 Well Pitcher 5 for $15 International Beers

October 18th 10pm - 3am Black Light Party featuring Milk N Cookies $2 Red Bull Shots, $5 Tito’s & Red Bull

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THREE DOLLAR THREE OLIVES THURSDAY $1 Coors, $2 Wells and $3 Three Olives $3.75 Long Islands

Thirsty Thursdays $3.50 32oz Well Mugs $4 32oz 32oz Domestic Drafts $4.50 32oz Call Drinks $1 Electric Shots, $3 Razz Bombs

FRI.

$1 O-Bombs, $5 Double Three Olives Vodka Mixers $5 Premium Flavored L.I.T’s $4 Double Wells

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$3 Any Well Drink $3 Shots, $4 Bombs $12 Well Pitcher 5 for $15 International Beers

$2 Bud/Bud Light Drafts, $15 100oz beer tubes, $12 Bud/ Bud Light buckets, $3 Titos, $4 Jacks and $4 Bacardi Bruce in Piano Bar 9pm, Live DJs main room

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SAT.

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Follow up on Twitter for special events @WhereElseBar

SUN.

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MON.

$1 Double Wells $1.25 18oz Bud Light Btls 50¢ Rolling Rock Cans $3 U-Call-It Shots

$0.69 Bud Light $0.99 Shocktop $1.20 Johnny Appleseed $1.99 Peoples Drafts

$.50 Wings (Minimum of 6) $3.25 Any Well Drink 5 for $5 Bud Light, Miller Lite, and Coors Light

TUES.

$2 Double Wells $2 Any Draft $1 O-Bombs

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5 for $12 Domestic Beers $10 Sangria Pitcher $4 Redbull Vodkas 6pm – Close, Hooka Freefill (With purchase of an appetizer, one per appetizer)

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Engineering Students Begin

Semiannual Mating Ritual Around Class Female Staff wrote this Following a traditional one-month period of preparation, new reports say the males of CS42200 have begun the semester-long mating ritual surrounding the one girl in the class.

“There’s something wrong with my code,” said Allison Winkfield, senior and prized female, during the weekly ceremony known as lab. Almost immediately, say sources with knowledge of the event, a young brave known as Ryan began his display of strength and intelligence, effortlessly gliding over in his chair and leaning over her, demonstrating both poise and wisdom as he began checking her work.

“What’s the problem,” said Dan McHale, the eldest super-senior in the tribe, putting his arm over the back of Winkfield’s chair.

“What Dan has done here is a common

mating technique used by the Engineer,” said Purdue anthropology professor Sarah Robinson. “By responding second and asking vague questions, he now has a laid-back appeal used to appear calmer and cooler than the rest of the males.

However, he is only able to employ a ‘hover-hand,’ in which his arm hangs slightly above the back of her chair, resulting in a very awkward display of masculinity. This may be related to his presence in a computer science class.”

Reports confirm that senior Elliot Eisenberg then leaned over Winkfield’s shoulder and immediately began typing.

“Eisenberg hopes to establish a close physical proximity by doing this, as well as get her acclimated to his scent, which is a mix of bar soap and no deodorant,” Robinson added. “He also hopes that by not saying anything, he can come across as an enigmatic genius, like the wandering samurai who speaks to no

one and saves the barley farmers. This is due to a long manga phase throughout his teenage years, as well as being too nervous to talk to girls.”

As more potential mates entered the bids became more desperate, and the suitors had to make do with little room.

Junior Michael Achebe reportedly decided to employ his often unsuccessful technique of bending over her monitor and attempting to read her coding upside-down to look for syntax errors.

“Achebe here acts in a way that us foreigners might think strange. Well, the other tribesmen think it’s strange, too,” Robinson commented. “By attempting to read upside down, he provides an uncomfortable display of intelligence. It is not only physically uncomfortable for him, but also socially uncomfortable for everyone who has to watch it happen.”

Despite the space being tight, another

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contender named Ian Rosenblatt entered the lusty, futile contest. Using his fivefoot, six-inch, 125-pound build to his advantage, Rosenblatt sprang up from under the table between Winkfield’s legs, holding a ten-inch laptop with his own correctly inputted code.

“Rosenblatt’s introduction started what is referred to anthropologically as a ‘feeding frenzy,’ in which each Engineer feeds off the testosterone of the other,” Robinson said.

Sources say the students then stood on the tables, tearing off their shirts and exposing abdominal muscles only visible because of their skinny frames. In

order to reestablish himself as the alpha male, Ryan started fighting off other warriors with a keyboard and strangling them with the USB cable. The TA, in an act of male dominance, covered his face in chalk war-paint and performed a traditional mating dance of strength and masculinity, in which he does sit-ups with his testicles exposed.

This large hoopla came to a quick halt, however, as Allison added a missing right-parenthesis, fixing the issue. Having not won a mate, the men hung their heads and awaited leaving, reportedly so they could go back to their huts to hone their mating skills and furiously masturbate.

BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Dating a Harry’s bartender Major: Sustainable energy • Favorite Drink: Jameson Favorite Shot: Jameson • Disgusting Drink: Domestic beer What aspect of bartending are you better than any other bartender at?: My looks and my beard. Mainly the beard.

Do you have a drink of your own creation?: The Green Lantern. Red Bull, vanilla vodka, Midori Is there a liquor myth you know from personal experience to be false?: Not off the top of my head.

GENO of JAKE’S THE DRINKING GAME

SMACK THE BARTENDER Look at that arrogant buttface, sitting over there behind the bar atop his little throne, counting his tips, and acting like he owns the place. It’s time to show him what’s up. You’re the king of this bar, not him. Or maybe you’re just really drunk. Who cares? Dude, you can totally take him.

What You’ll Need: A strong hand and a weak bartender.

Number of players: Just you, the bartender, and whoever is in your way.

Level of intoxication: Enough to slap the bartender. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Besides M&M’s, what else melts in your mouth and not in your hand?: A delicious calzone.

What are granny panties good

for?: Nothing? I can’t really think of a good answer. Maybe for wearing in privacy.

If we invented a word right now— say… “spladawnt”—what would you say it means?: Something Ebola-related.

If you could have dinner with a famous person, living or dead, whose face would you wear and why?: Nate Michaels. This needs no explanation.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because their writer tips well.

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

FRIED McDOUBLE Alright, it’s time to polish the turd. You’ve ordered a McDouble and have the instant regret of filling your body with 90% grease and 10% loss of self-respect. It’s time to double the McDouble and fry that bad boy like it’s never been fried before – because it hasn’t. You’re a health-hazard revolutionary. You’re a savior. You’re the first person to fry and try a McDouble.

What You’ll Need: $1 and some loose change because of tax (thanks, Obama), patience, minimal athletic skill, the will to discover what’s on the other side of life.

Fatty Factor: You’ve already walked inside a McDonald’s, what do you care?

How to play: - Start drinking with your friends at home, then go out.

- Get to the bar and hone in on your desired target.

- Stare the bartender down from across the bar, make sure he knows you’re on to him.

- With every move he makes, counteract with a disruptive bar tactic (yelling, smashing glass). You need to prove your dominance as the alpha drunk and let him know who’s boss.

- Approach the bar with caution (he may be on to you with all the yelling).

- Whisper your drink order so he leans in close.

- When he leans in close, whisper “I GOTCH’YA” into his ear.

- SLAP HIM IN THE FUCKING FACE.

Let’s Get Baked: - Suffer through the shit storm that is McDonald’s customer service and order a McDouble.

- If you’re lucky enough to receive what you’ve ordered, remove the paper wrapping.

- Yell in a foreign language and hop over the customer service desk.

- Approach the fry cook and confiscate their uniform.

- Now you’re in disguise. Toss your McDouble into the fryer and wait 90 seconds until it’s done.

- Pour as much salt as possible on your McDouble and eat in one bite while you run away from the restaurant manager.

- Shit in the restaurant lobby and demand a free coupon.

The Game Ends When: You slap the bartender in the face and run away as fast as you can. Combine this game with the fried McDouble recipe for maximum marathon training.

Now that you’ve mastered a regular visit at McDonald’s, check up next week when we make a shake out of a 20-piece McNugget.

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BLACK SHEEP ORIGINAL REPORTING

News Happening Somewhere in the World Today, Probably Paul Mooney wrote this Many different news happened with all the different people in all the different countries today. In one country, there was the president who wasn’t a good president because he didn’t represent the people the way they wanted, and now all the people are in the streets because they are angry. A lot of times people are in the streets because they are angry and poor. Because the people are angry and out in the streets, the president has to respond to them in one of two ways: democracy or tear gas. Usually it’s tear gas, but this time it might be democracy. But it will probably be tear gas.

Money was spent; a lot of it, too! Some people spent a lot, because they have a lot so they can; but some people spent a little, because they only had a little so that’s all they could. In general, people are spending less because other people were spending less because they had less money, because other people weren’t spending, so everyone has less money, but now people might start spending more money so the people with a little money have a little more money to spend on things they need and the people with a lot of money have a whole lot more money to spend on houses and dog outfits and to throw at people dancing on big boats.

A lot of people make laws. But some lawmakers make it so that no laws are made, and they make it hard for lawmakers who want to make lawmaking happen. These lawmakers make statements about the other lawmakers, like “they make laws that make things bad and they should not make laws anymore because they make me unhappy and we should make them not make laws anymore,” and the other lawmakers respond, “we should make those lawmakers not make laws anymore, because they just want to make people who make money make more money.” Then the original lawmakers say “those other lawmakers are trying to keep people from making money and that makes everyone unhappy so we don’t want to make the laws those lawmakers want to make,” so the lawmakers take a longer time to make the laws.

Someone was probably shot today. People are shot on most days.

There was probably someone who wanted drugs and someone else who sold them, but they didn’t get along so they shot each other.

Maybe they did get along, but they were caught by the police and the policemen shot them because they were breaking the law. Maybe they did nothing wrong and they still got shot. A lot of people do bad things; a lot of people get shot too.

One mean policeman is on trial for shooting someone who did nothing bad. “Obligatory semi-apologetic statement,” said the man in charge of all the mean and nice policemen, “uncertainty of how at-fault the police department is, covered by promise of justice and bureaucratic handling of unfortunate statement. Regret over unsolvable scenario; tepid hope for improving structural issue,” he continued.

The new phone was introduced today. This phone is a lot like all the other phones, but this one is better because it is a little faster.

It is also a little bigger. People like bigger phones, except for when everyone wanted smaller phones. But now, the big phones make people happy so everyone wants to buy the big phone.

The fat people with curly hair made another movie. Most of the movies are about doing drugs and then doing something else; this movie was the same, but the “something else” was different from the other movies so everyone wanted to see it. The people in the audience laughed when they saw it.

“Hahahahaha,” they said when the fat man with curly hair smoked the drugs.

“Tee hee hee,” they said when the other fat man got hit in the testicles.

The sports happened today. Many people hit the balls to score points for their teams. A lot of games were played between teams that were named after animals; only half the teams won. Sometimes the people had names that other people liked like D’Brickashaw, or D’Cardio, or Darnell, or D’Arnell, or De’Asian, Doop-Boop, Doo-Wop, Deep-Sca-Dop-A-Dop, Deedly-Beedly, or Ding-Bong-ADong. Other times they had names like Jason and Michael.

People are getting sick. People always get sick, but this time it’s worse.

Sometimes when people get sick they sneeze and then snot comes out of them really fast. When they get a little more sick, undigested food or liquidy poop comes out of them really fast. The liquidy poop smells bad and makes more un-

digested food come out of them, and they feel even sicker, but then even more liquidy poop comes out of them and they are very sad. This time, blood is coming out of everywhere really fast from people’s bodies, and that’s about the worst thing that can come out of people when they’re sick. A lot of people have this in a place where they can’t really get help, and it’s very easy for people to get sick when they’re around other sick people, which makes the whole situation a whole lot worse, and everyone is a whole lot more sad.

Everyone farted today. Seven billion people farted at least twice, with an average of four times. Yawns went up 5%, and people blinked a number of times that’s represented by a two followed by fourteen zeros. Everyone peed, too. 66% went in toilets. 32% went on the ground. 1.5% went in pants. .4% went in pools and the ocean, .08% went in a water bottle, and .0000004% landed in someone’s open mouth.

Someone special also died. A lot of people died, but this person was a very special. He was born into a normal household/ he was destined to stardom. He got his big break when he was only seventeen/twenty-four/eight-years-old in the sitcom/movie/custody case that everyone saw and loved. He continued to make more movies/television shows/tabloid headlines about addiction for many years. Anyway, he had cancer/overdosed/killed himself/was killed by somebody else. Everyone was very sad, because his movies are very funny and he was a very nice person to the public. His friends mourned his death with a huge funeral that all the movie people get, and his fans mourned his death with television marathons, which is probably the best way you can remember someone who is most closely known for things that go on televisions.

That’s some of the news today. There will be a lot more tomorrow! The news tomorrow will be a lot different from today, because the news is always different everyday. Sometimes similar news happens, but it’s always a little different, which is why the people still read the news. Some people don’t read the news, so they don’t know all the little different particulars of the things that happen everyday. But now you do. For today, at least.

THE BACK PAGE

THE BACK PAGE

the WALK THROUGH CAMPUS madlib ___1___ is so alive in the fall! Just walking around campus and smelling the ___2___s and leftover ___3___, seeing the freshman skanks with their ___4___’s exposed groping the ___5___-year-old locals - god, they’re so cool - hearing the roar of the ___6___ bottles rolling into the gutter… I just love it all!

As I walk past the bars, I just can’t help but feel a tingle in my ___7___ at the thought of finally downing a___8___ with a ___9___ and a ___10___ beer-back. Once I turn 21, everything will change. Sure, I could get a fake ID, but with this baby face, who’d believe it? Plus it’s so much better to wait, right? That’s pretty much my philosophy on everything, at least that’s what my mom wants me to do.

Seeing all the lecture halls brimming with kids in front of their computers, reading up on ___11___, watching ___12___ do the Ice Bucket Challenge and seeing the hundreds of pictures of ___13___’s baby - who just turned three! - really gets me excited to hit up my remedial math class. I love creeping, er, watching over the shoulder of that cute ___14___ as she scrolls through page after page of Tumblr; I feel like I’m really getting to know her. Who needs math anyway? I’m an ___15___ after all!

Finally flopping down on my lofted bed in ___16___ after a long day of learning is the icing on the cake of a classic college day. Hitting up ___17___ with my ___18___-loving roommate is always a highlight, mostly because we get high (heh) off of his sick ___19___ and then light (heh) a doobie on the walk over there, and just go hard on some ___20___ and ___21___. Freshman 15, my butt!

It’s really these simple days that make me appreciate how badass it is going to ___22___. So maybe I’ll spend another night watching ___23___ and hangin’ with my floor mates, but it’s all about the memories, man, all about the memories.

CLUE BANK

1) Your college town 2) Type of flower 3) Late-night food 4) Body part 5) 30-something age 6) Type of liquor

7) Body part 8) Strong mixed drink 9) Novelty shot 10) Average beer 11) Latest hashtag trend 12) Random old relative

13) Your (annoying) homecoming queen 14) Hair color 15) Your major 16) Freshman dorm 17) Campus cafeteria

18) 60s rock band 19) Smoking apparatus 20) Savory food 21) Type of cereal 22) Your university 23) Terrible reality show

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