Ole Miss - Issue 8 - 5/1/2014

A W SEENTIS R D E S PRE E F R E E D O M U A H A N E G A N D A C M S H E I I S S U E L P E E H S K C A L B THE

THE FUN AND GAMES ISSUE Volume 6, Issue 8 • 5/1/2014 @BlackSheep_OM

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The napping aftereffect of smoking entirely too much weed. Like, a lot.

“’Dude, I’m tombstoned,’ Tanner sighed, laying down the pipe, ‘I think I’m going to go nap for a while.’”

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the quiz

What Celebrity Internship Will You Have This Summer?

Micalajah wrote this

1. In high school, you were always the one to… a) Stay at home on a Friday night watching TV. b) Live tweet all the bonkers things your crew was doing. c) Hustle behind the bleachers.

5. When your boo confronts you about sleeping around, you… a) Say it wasn’t you and spit a verse from Shaggy. b) Run to hide all the evidence. c) Confess even though it isn’t true.

2. Choose a late night television host… a) Jimmy Fallon b) Chelsea Handler c) Arsenio Hall

6. Your bookshelf can be described as… a) Firewood. b) A place for pictures of your BFFs. c) Filled with secret compartments.

3. Which Beatles album do you prefer? a) Help! b) The Magical Mystery Tour c) Let It Be

7. You got salsa on your shirt, so you… a) Take off your shirt. b) Utilize your chips and go in for a scoop. c) Lick it up without hesitation.

4. What Star Wars character do you most relate to? a) C-3PO b) Han Solo c) Greedo

8. After ripping an audible fart in class, you… a) Throw your hands up in the air and praise Jesus for the expulsion of the burrito demons. b) Blame it on the hot girl next to you. c) Say it wasn’t you and spit a verse from Shaggy.

answer key:

8-12: Bo Wallace’s Elbow Masseuse: You’re a loyal person who would do anything for your friends no matter the cost. If it came down to it, you’d wipe your friend’s own ass if they were too drunk to remember how. Some people take advantage of you and you never realize it, and you’re denying this about yourself now as you’re reading. One day, you’ll turn forty and know this to be the case.

13-19: Chicken on a Stick Apprentice: You’re a super-laid back kind of person. You’ve extended the 10-second rule to 15 or 30, depending on the situation. Clothing is always optional at your house and you’ve been kicked out of more restaurants than you can count for not wearing shoes. But you like to have fun and you can sure as hell serve up some good fried chicken.

20 -24: Henderson’s Coke Bearer: There’s no way around it, you’re a sketchy mofo who enjoys hustling to make that paper with one hand and roll up a doobie with the other. You keep your friends close, your enemies closer and your stash even closer!

There’s never a dull moment in your life except for that time when you watched Half Baked every day for a year straight. Even you’ve got to know when it’s too much.

1) A-2, B-1, C-3 • 2) A-2, B-3, C-1 • 3) A-1, B-3, C-2 • 4) A-1, B-3, C-2 • 5) A-2, B-3, C-1 • 6) A-2, B-1, C-3 • 7) A-2, B-1, C-3 • 8) A-3, B-1, C-2

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IN THE FALL, PARKING GARAGES TO BE RESERVED FOR STUDENT ATHLETES KNOWLTON BOURNE WROTE THIS It has been announced that the new parking facility, currently under construction, will be reserved exclusively for the vehicles of student athletes in an attempt to better team morale, leading to a successful 2014 football season.

Also, University of Mississippi officials believe limiting traffic congestion will prevent further acts of racism on the Oxford campus.

Lt. Thomas Shmirtle, head of UPD services, commented on the changes coming to campus this fall: “It’s gotten to the point where every vehicle, whether it be commuter, faculty or UPD officer, is an utter nuisance to the productivity of our beloved campus.

These vehicles congest all of the campus roads. As we all know, anger is a huge element in racism. By eliminating potential parking spots it’s believed that the decrease in vehicle traffic will ease tensions, therefore preventing future racism here at the University of Mississippi. Also, I think our football team will be more good, too.”

The Ole Miss administration will provide common students with a complimentary, authentic Razor-brand scooter or a pair of K2 rollerblades that can be used to transport students to and from classes. The UPD officer continued, “No one wants to be racist in a pair of rollerblades, it’s a simple fact.”

When asked about the UPD’s involvement in future campus affairs, Shmirtle continued, “We will definitely see a decrease in revenue from the lack of traffic tickets and parking tickets, so a modest $2017.24 increase will be tacked on to every student’s tuition to compensate for the massive loss of money the university makes from giving tickets to students.”

“NO ONE WANTS TO BE RACIST IN A PAIR OF ROLLERBLADES, IT’S A SIMPLE FACT.” “It’s really an exciting time,” said junior Johnny Tamper.

“I can’t wait for our new football team. I know I’ve said it before, but this is going to be our year! They deserve a new parking garage. I’m so proud to be a student here at Ole Miss.” Beaming, he continued, “I can’t wait to get my complimentary pair of rollerblades and paint some red and blue flames on them. Next semester will be a blast. Go Rebs!”

One advocate for the decrease in both traffic and racism is Ole Miss Chancellor Dan Jones. When asked to comment on the new parking garage for student athletes, Jones noted, “You know, this is a really great group of boys we have coming to play football here next semester. Not only am I excited to see what the season will bring but I’m also excited to see them

utilize this brand new parking garage. Let’s just say I think this new plan is a real touchdown.”

never heard of a Klan member on rollerblades. Ha, I just did, and it’s pretty funny! Go Rebels!”

After slowly winking, Jones continued, “The parking garage was originally intended to be for all commuters but we decided that these athletes really deserve it for themselves. Also, the new mode of transportation will really help cut down on the amount of bad press our university receives from mild-to-severe racism. I’ve

The new parking regulations will coincide with the start of the Rebels’ football season rather than the beginning of the semester. According to Shmirtle, the idea is to give the students a taste of what a wellorganized campus could be, and then rip it all from their cold, debt-ridden hands.

Good Times and Cheap Drinks!

Honky Tonk Tuesday: $3 Wells • Wednesday: Flip Night! • Thursday: $1 Shots

Friday: Happy Hour (5-9): $2 Beers, $4 Wells Saturday: Open For Lunch! Happy Hour All Day til 9

CORNER

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AROUND CAMPUS

JUST THE TIPS: ARRIVING LATE TO AN EXAM AND GETTING AWAY WITH IT BARNEY THOMPSON WROTE THIS

I woke up covered in blood: It’s pretty much impossible to not sympathize with someone waking up covered in blood that may or may not be theirs. To make sure that they really believe the line, bring some blood-caked clothes.

While the blood covering the article of clothing doesn’t have to be real, it’d be a lot more convincing if it was. At the very least you’re going to get points for creativity on this one, which might count for enough to not fail.

My drink was spiked with a sheet of acid: Showing up on time is nearly the most

06

TOP

TEN

OXFORD SUMMER JOBS LOGAN LITTLE WROTE THIS

Summer isn’t a time to relax, spending your days drinking by the pool; it’s a chance to make a little extra cash doing ridiculously easy jobs. The Black Sheep has lined up a few Oxford jobs that might pique your interest.

10.) Medicinal Greenhouse Janitor: If you can get past the rigorous application process, make your way through various security checkpoints, dodge and elude snipers, this job has obvious perks. Let’s just say there’s a lot of green to be made.

Oh God. Oh god, no. You woke up five minutes before your final for a class that takes at least half an hour to get to. Punctuality is out the window, so it’s time to whip out some grade-A bullshit excuses. Luckily for you, The Black Sheep are veterans of bending the truth to fit our own manipulative needs.

We’re like a less productive Frank Underwood. So, here are some excuses that will definitely, maybe work if you find yourself stumbling into a final exam an hour or so late.

I was chased through the Grove by a swarm of bees: In the spring, the Grove becomes an incubator of insects that totally want to ruin your day, so it’s not like this one is even a stretch. How did you get away without being stung though? Well obviously you dashed with Olympian speed to the lake across from the R.C. in order to avoid their deadly attacks. You’ll need to jump into a body of water for this to actually work, don’t try attempting this if you’re a dry guy. To really win your professor over, also add that you have a bee allergy, as well as the sorry tale of your parents BEEing carried away by a swarm of bees when you were five. Maybe he’ll give you a B.

THE

9.) Ya Ya’s One-Day–a-Week Gig: Yeah the aprons are lame, the lighting is abrasive, and the sorority girls are never ending, but if you can get a one-day-a-week gig at Ya Ya’s you basically have all of the free ice cream you want. Instead of going once a week to Ya Ya’s and paying them to eat, how about you get a part time job and work once a week so they can pay you to eat?

8.) House DJ at a Bar: You spent $2,000 dollars on turntables and DJ equipment. It’s time to put all of that to use for completely empty bars on summer week nights. Now, don’t expect pay other than bottom of the keg beer. The real reward is getting to play that really progressive new European house music you love without any request for “Some Type of Way.” 7.) Head of Nike Shorts Section at Kinnucan’s: Yep, the section is so big it has to have a leader, and that could be you. If you can land this gig for the summer, the benefits are self-explanatory. You’ll have the best view in Oxford all summer.

difficult thing in the world, just behind pulling off a Kangol hat. Matters are only worsened when you actually down a few glasses of some sweet tea while visiting the Pike house only to find out it contains roughly 100 hits of that sweet, sweet Lucy. Paint Illuminati symbols on your body and insist the teacher address you by your elven name, Jukkete Athuum. It’ll work, it has to.

You were on a mission from God: The brilliance of this one is that they can’t prove you weren’t. Short of some invasive brain scanning and The Da Vinci Code-esque scripture analysis, they simply cannot say you are not a prophet of the lord.

Is this a little exploitative of Mississippi’s blind acceptance of the Holy Bible and high population of backwoods Baptists? A little, but it’s that or you’re failing macroeconomics for the third time, and that simply will not do.

You got into a street brawl over a parking spot: Parking spaces on campus are as hard to come by as a farright conservative journalism major. So how can you be blamed for wanting that glorious chunk of asphalt for yourself? Your professor will surely understand how you had to engage in fisticuffs with

that slightly handicapped fellow. Otherwise you might have missed the exam entirely.

The bus drivers hate you: By the end of the semester, it’s safe to assume that a vast majority of the OUT bus drivers have driven away as you hopelessly sprint towards the stop. It’s also safe to assume that the next time you saw that bus driver, you swore at him in a way that would make even an Irish drunk blush. While you will feel absolutely vindicated after unleashing your surprisingly well-structured slurs, the driver probably won’t stop for you ever again. So, you’ll need to explain to your professor how the bus drivers, “totally hate you for no reason” and simply give you the bird and keep driving whenever you attempt to make use of public transit.

Clearly, some of these will work better than others depending on your specific situation. So keep in mind the circumstances under which you’ll be arriving late to your exam. Regardless of your excuse, make sure it is delivered with complete sincerity and hopelessness.

Start crying if you have to because dignity isn’t worth much when you’re in college due to one exam.

6.) Yalobusha Brewing Company Intern: If you haven’t tried their Copperhead Amber Ale, you need to get off your corporate ass and start supporting local businesses. Who wouldn’t want to work for a company that is designing and testing out new beer flavors?

5.) Yalobusha Brewing Company Designated Driver: So the new interns are going to be taste-testing beers all day, why not seize the opportunity to make some quick cash? Those guys can’t be making the commute to Water Valley and back tasting beers all day. Go to the Courthouse, snag a taxi license, and let’s make some dough.

4.) Taco Bell Graveyard Shift: Perfect for night owls, the Taco Bell graveyard shift is a late night waiting game centered around the remnants of the students who stayed in town for the summer. This job will be perfect for anyone looking at writing new comedic material, and also anyone who is interested in free diarrhea. Shout out to the new breakfast taco.

3.) Police Riot Horse Poop Scooper: Someone has to do it, and word on the street is that it pays big, no shit, well actually a lot of shit. The only catch is, it’s a return job, not a disposal job. These aren’t your average, every day ponies, these are THE OPD Riot Horses, so needless to say, their poop is priceless. It has to be collected after their rounds every night on The Square, and be transported to the Medicinal Greenhouse to be used as fertilizer.

2.) Cobra Security Officer: No lie. $12 dollars an hour, no matter what event. All you have to do is stand, be hard, and try not to look too stoned. The real benefits come in the all expense paid tanning package that comes with the 10-hour outside baseball game shift. It’s amazing how bronze you can get when you’re standing getting paid to do nothing in the sun all day.

1.) Amit at the Chevron on HWY 6: Nicest guy we know, nobody is taking our dawg’s job, but we still got to throw a shout out at him, because he always gives a shout to us. There is nothing better than hearing that classic “Hows it going today, buddy?” whenever we’re grabbing a 12-pack of PBR for the High Pointe pool.

AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS WHAT FICTIONAL FINAL WOULD YOU MOST EASILY GET A 100% ON? Rachael

“A test on the lies I told myself in order to justify my procrastination.”

Imani

“An exam on the show Scandal.”

Jordan

“How to check my Instagram followers exam.”

07

ice v r e le S t 14! t 0 u 2 h l S Fal g rtin a t S NOW LEASING FOR 2014! « ConnectionAtOxford.com « 2000 Oxford Way « Oxford, MS « 662.267. 3770 « fb.com/ConnectionOxford « NOW LEASING FOR 2014!

FEELING LONELY? GET YOUR BAR IN THE BAR GRID AND PROMOTE YOUR AMAZING SPECIALS! ADS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

The Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour!

Monday-Friday 3-7pm $1.50 16oz. PBR and Coors $1.00 off all Drinks

THURSDAY

$3.00 Well Drinks $2.00 Coors 16oz Tall Boys

Get Ready for Double Decker!

Live Music All Day Eddie Smith from 12 to 3pm Zach Lockwood 4pm

Happy Hour Monday thru Friday 4:00 to 7:00 pm $5 BIG BOY 32 oz Draft Beers $ 2 Domestic Bottle Beers 2 for 1 Well Drinks

$1 Shot Night

$3 Well Drinks, $$$ Shot specials 9pm to Close NEW “Coop on the Square Late Night” Coop DeVille menu now being served from 10pm till after close

FRIDAY

Find us on Facebook at facebook.com/ theblindpigoxford or follow us on Twitter!

Happy Hour 5pm - 9pm: $2 Beers, $4 Wells

$3 Mimosas and $5 Bloody Mary’s 11am till 4 pm $3 All Whiskey Drinks - 9pm till close New “Coop on the Square Late Night” Coop DeVille menu now being served from 10pm till after close

SATURDAY

Find us on Facebook at facebook.com/theblindpigoxford or follow us on Twitter!

Open for lunch: Oxfords Best Burgers & Wings Happy Hour All Day til 9 Crawfish Party!

$3 Mimosas and $5 Bloody Mary’s-11am till 4 pm, $2 Bud Light Bottles-9pm till close New “Coop on the Square Late Night” Coop DeVille menu now being served from 10pm till after close

SUNDAY

Find us on Facebook at facebook.com/theblindpigoxford or follow us on Twitter!

Follow us on Twitter! @thecorneroxford

OPEN FOR LUNCH 11:00-2:00

MONDAY

Monday Night Trivia, $2.00 Domestics

Follow @thecorneroxford for the Drink of the Week!

1/2 Price Margaritas $$$ Shot Specials 9pm till close

TUESDAY

$2.00 Domestics

Honky Tonk Tuesday $3 Wells

Trivia Night w/ Great Prizes - 9:30pm till Midnight, $2 Domestic Drafts - 9 till close New “Coop on the Square Late Night” Coop DeVille menu now being served from 10pm till after close

WEDNESDAY

$3.00 Pints, $5.00 Beer Flight Sampler

Flip Night!

$3 “U-CALL-IT” Any drink in the house only $3 from 9 pm till close!

BIGGER WINGS, SAME OLE PRICE! 2204 Jackson Ave W • Oxford, MS • 662.238.7802

TRY OUR NEW SAUCES! Sriracha Ranch Sweet Heat Sriracha • Hot & Spicy

The Grid FRIDAY! $2 Wells, $2 Fireball Shots 6pm-close, $2 House Margaritas 10pm-close

TUESDAY: Happy Hour: $10 Burger & Bottomless Beer, $1 Off All Alcohol Night: 2-for-1 Wells and Shooters

$3 Skinny Girls, $3 Frozen Swirls, $3 1/2 Chicken or Cheese or Jalapeno Quesadillas 6pm-close

Happy Hour (3 pm - 8pm): $5 Chicken Finger Basket & Fries, $1 off all alcohol Night (8pm - 10pm): 2 for 1 Well liquor drinks, Domestic Beers & Shooters

$1 PBR and Keystone $2 Draft Pints

$2 Wells, $2 Fireball Shots 6pm-close, $2 House Margaritas 10pm-close

Happy Hour (3 pm - 8pm): 2 for 1 Spicy Chicken Sandwiches & $1 off all alcohol

$1 PBR and Keystone $2 Draft Pints

Happy Hour (3 pm - 8pm) 2 for 1 Spicy Chicken Sandwiches & $1 off all alcohol

FRIDAY

$2 Shiners, $1 Jello Shots ALL DAY

Happy Hour (3 pm - 8pm): $1 off all alcohol

$1 PBR and Keystone $2 Draft Pints

Happy Hour (3 pm - 8pm) $1 off all alcohol

SAT.

Kids eat free with a purchase of an entree!

Closed

Closed

Check out our great food specials all week long!

SUNDAY

Closed

Happy Hour (3 pm - 8pm): $0.25 Wings & $1 off all alcohol Night (8 pm - 12 am): $2 Pitchers

$4 Car Bombs $2 Draft Pints

$1 Domestics, $3 House Margaritas, $1 Beef Tacos, $2 Chicken Tacos 3pm-Close

Happy Hour (3 pm - 8pm): $10 Burger & Bottomless Beer & $1 off all alcohol Night (8 pm - 12 am): 2 for 1 Well liquor drinks, Domestic Beers & Shooters

$2 House Margaritas 6pm- 9pm, $1 House Margaritas 9pm-close

Happy Hour (3 pm - 8pm): 2-for-1 Appetizers, $3 Well Whiskey, & $1 off all alcohol Night (8pm - 10:30 pm): Welfare ($2 Well liquor drinks & $1 Draft beers)

THURSDAY - SATURDAY $1 PBR and Keystone, $2 Draft Pints Free Power Tower on Birthdays!

MONDAY: Happy Hour (3 pm - 8pm) $0.25 Wings & $1 off all alcohol Night (8 pm - 12 am) – $2 Pitchers Happy Hour (3 pm - 8pm) $5 Chicken Finger Basket & Fries, $1 off all alcohol Night (8pm - 10pm) 2 for 1 Well liquor drinks, Domestic Beers & Shooters

Happy Hour (3 pm - 8pm) $0.25 Wings & $1 off all alcohol

SPECIAL NIGHT

THUR.

MONDAY

Night (8 pm - 12 am) – $2 Pitchers

2 for 1 Wells $2 Draft Pints

Happy Hour (3 pm - 8pm) $10 Burger & Bottomless Beer & $1 off all alcohol Night (8 pm - 12 am) 2 for 1 Well Drinks, Domestic Beers & Shooters

TUESDAY

$3 Shots, $2 Draft Pints Pool League @ 8pm

Happy Hour (3 pm - 8pm) 2-for-1 Appetizers, $3 Well Whiskey & $1 off all alcohol Welfare Night (8pm - 10:30pm) $2 Well liquor drinks & $1 Drafts

WED.

ten People You’ll See at This Summer’s Music Festivals tex mex wrote this

Well, it’s about that time of the year again.

The time when millions of prospective concert-goers spend an arm and a leg on weekend-long summer music festivals without the slightest idea of who’s slated to perform. The pre-festival hype period is a time where parents’ bank accounts are mysteriously emptied of $300, old and new fans alike bitch and complain over whether or not this year’s lineup for a fest is complete shit or not, and drama ensues as you try to figure out who in the hell out of your friends is cool with driving to the stretches of the nation just to see someone you missed at a club show a month ago. Whether you’re an arrogant prick who hates humans and prefers smaller venues, or an obnoxious self-proclaimed hippie who loves nothing more than taking drugs at “festies” and shitting out rainbows, if there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that festivals bring out the most diverse group of people outside of a UN meeting. Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza, Pitchfork, Firefly, Electric Forest – doesn’t matter – be on the lookout for these 10 people who you are guaranteed to see, whether you like it or not.

ten people you’ll see at this summer’s music festivals 10.) Girls Wearing Flower Crowns

4.) The Kids who Pass out on Alcohol/Drugs

For whatever reason, coating their arms with badges of honor from every festival they’ve gone to so far isn’t colorful enough, in spite of the mold that’s growing on that Coachella bracelet. Flower crowns seem like a way to say “I’m earthly and care about nature” or some bullshit that would normally take a trending Tumblr image to explain. That’s at least all we can come up with, because there’s no way in hell that these things are actually being worn because they look good. Still, we’d take a ring of plastic flowers from Hobby Lobby over the majority of things that people dress themselves with at EDM fests.

Look, we’re not stupid; we understand that no amount of “just go to festivals for the MUSIC” PSAs aren’t stopping anyone from bringing along their favorite vodkas and illicit drugs. It’s a festival, for crissake. But you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who’s totally okay with some high school grad puking on his shoes halfway through a set from drinking warm Natty for three hours. The same can be said for people who roll a little too hard during the day. Too much ecstasy won’t leave as big of a mess, but no one likes the guy lugging his half-dead girlfriend out of the crowd, screaming as if this was a surprise to him.

3.) Younger Kids with Noise-Canceling Headphones on 7.) Someone Bitching about being Pushed and Shoved in a Crowd

Also known as the person who gives off a stark “Ugh…” as you try to assert yourself to the front of the stage, this is generally someone with a big enough sense of entitlement to put a teenager from SoCal to shame. For whatever reason, the fact that festivals are events designed for hundreds of thousands of people to occupy the same area at once isn’t something that registers for this poor soul who thinks a gentle tap on the shoulder is equivalent to being “like, so totally fucking rude…”

We’re not knocking this at all since we’re so used to seeing the effects of bad parenting every time we walk past Perry’s Stage at Lolla. There’s nothing more heartwarming than seeing younger fellas enjoying themselves with responsible parents who actually don’t want their kids to become deaf at the tender age of six. We’re not really sure how an environment filled with alcohol and pot fumes really meshes with this, but goddammit, they’re trying.

6.) Someone Trying to Validate their Taste in Music... at the Actual Festival

9.) The Saint who has a Spray Nozzle Attachment for his CamelBak One of the defining pastimes of music festivals is watching college kids braving 90-degree weather without water because they think they’re immune to heatstroke. When you’re packed like a sardine against thousands of sweaty, sticky people, the dude who sacrifices his own water supply for the sake of cooling off his sun-burned comrades is like God himself raining down from heaven. This guy usually dons a fishing cap with a smile, too. So, for as much as your passive aggressions build up dealing with drunken kids passing out, you’ll at least have one person to not loathe for the day.

“Oh, you actually wanna see Mumford & Sons over up-and-comers Hippopotamus Shits, who are clearly superior than that radio-tier garbage? Yeah, I’ll be over at the No Fun Stage where all the more low-key, experimental acts are for the day.” This is also the type of person willing to openly berate others for their choice in festival, often citing that “X festival is too ‘commercialized’ these days and that nobody goes for the music anymore.” This person derives their superiority complex from so-called open-mindedness, all the while sucking Pitchfork’s metaphorical dick.

8.) The 30-something-year-old Dude Who’s Only There for His Favorite Alt-Rock Band of the 90s

2.) The Towering Behemoth who’s Your Ticket to the Front of the Crowd

Not all of us were granted the God-given attribute of breaking the six-foot barrier, and that makes snaking through huge crowds more intimidating than progressive. For the vertically challenged, the train pretty much stops when you hit a wall of people who are more inclined to beat the ever-loving shit out of you than passively grouch at your advances. Enter the behemoth, otherwise known as the dude who’s getting to the front whether anyone likes it or not.

Latching onto one of these suckers is a lot like being in a school of remora attached to a shark: The big dude won’t really care, and you’re safe from anyone closing gaps on you. What are they gonna do, tell your new, hulking friend that you can’t move up?

One of the select few at the fest who actually has the means to buy a ludicrously priced ticket, this guy is here for one reason and one reason only: to catch his favorite rock act from back in his teenage days, a group who’s just gotten back together or “one last tour.”

Usually well-sun screened, sporting cargo shorts, New Balance gym shoes, and a black shirt that proudly displays the band’s logo, he’s completely okay with sitting on the grass hundreds of yards away from any actual stage. He’s a nice guy, just don’t talk about the band. “What’s your favorite song?” will quickly turn into “How would you analyze the band’s aesthetic moving from genre-togenre within their entire catalogue, EPs included?” real fast.

5.) The VIP-bracelet Noblemen who Look Down upon Us Peasants from their Golf Carts

Even when tickets sell out faster than you can spam “F5,” no one in their right mind actually considers spending the extra thousand dollars for a VIP pass. We’re too poor to dabble with that sorcery, but we assume that whoever’s riding on a VIP pass definitely is a “very important person,” or at least knows someone important enough to have a shit ton of cash. As they golf cart to and from the air-conditioned VIP lounge, all the rest of us “standard 3-day” people can do nothing but wallow in their awesome might … and lament on the fact that we’d honestly rather joy ride in a golf cart for three days than feel the heat of the sun and buyer’s remorse pelting us from above.

1.) More Bands You Don’t Care about Than Ones You Do

It sucks, but it’s true. From the moment the day-by-day schedule comes out and conflicts knock your lineup of a whopping 50 acts to a measly 15, you’ll realize that you’re not going to see your favorite headliner up close without sitting through at least 3 or 4 bands that you’d rather drink paint than watch. If the mediocre lineup reveal jumpstarted that buyer’s remorse, this is usually the second helping. The Black Sheep understands that heavy drinking is hazardous on such hot summer days, but you’d better drink up at this point, because that two-piece indie folk band isn’t getting better anytime soon.

WHEREVER YOU NEED TO GO,

AUSTIN TAXI CAN GET YOU THERE

Austin Taxi provides prompt, reliable, and clean service all around Oxford. Whether you need to go to the Square, the Airport, or anywhere else, we have you covered.

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Are You SMARTER

THAN?

1) Literature: This Harper Lee classic won the 1961 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction.

2) Food: Chanterelle and Porcini are types of this produce.

3) Geography: Europe’s microstate Andorra is sandwiched between the borders of two countries. Name one.

4) Music: What 80s rap group struck anti-establishment gold with hits like, “Straight Outta Compton” and “F*** the Police”?

5) Biology: The 21 variations of these organic compounds found in the human body allow it to produce thousands of different proteins.

JORDAN, HEAD COOK AT LA PAZ

6) Technology: What tech giant recently bought Oculus VR for $2 billion?

7) Television: What sitcom classic ends with the main character telling a stranger, “Sorry, we’re closed”?

8) Fashion: What hairstyle is defined as a cut with short layers on top with the back left long?

9) Art: Water Lilies is a series of about 250 oil paintings by what French impressionist?

10) Sports: What Hall of Fame-elect was famously known as “The Big Hurt”?

Jordan’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) No idea, I’ve only been alive since ‘83 2) Mushroom 3) Germany 4) N.W.A.... bitch 5) No clue 6) Facebook 7) Cheers 8) Mullet 9) A= French impressionist? 10) Barry Bonds

1) To Kill a Mockingbird 2) Mushroom 3) France or Spain 4) N.W.A. 5) Amino acids 6) Facebook 7) Cheers 8) Mullet 9) Claude Monet 10) Frank Thomas

Jordan’s Score: 5 out of 10

13

the madlib

Cleaning Out Your Dorm Room

It’s the end of a hard semester and a long year at Ole Miss. Amidst all the exams, late nights __1__, and early mornings at the __2__, keeping your dorm room in order somehow fell to the wayside. Due to the lack of attention given to your little corner of __3__, it now resembles a __4__ after a tribe of pygmies __5__ it without remorse.

You’ve got to start somewhere, and the __6__ is as good a place as any. It’s probably best you wear __7__, or at least a __8__ as the __9__ is beginning to __10__.

Once that’s taken care of, you should probably start on the __11__, since your roommate, __12__, was nice enough to leave a __13__ the size of __14__ in there.

Now the last part, which is really the most __15__ of the whole room. It’s time to put on your __16__ face. Holy __17__ is that a __18__ or a __19__? It seems the lack of __20__ over __21__ break just made it __22__. Perhaps this one is best left to the __23__ staff of __24__.

Well, that got a little __25__. Hopefully your __26__ won’t find out about all __27__ covering the __28__. On the bright side, once __29__ is __30__ you can totally __31__ the __32__ away.

Barney Thompson wrote this

1) Debaucherous verb 2) Oxford location 3) Ole Miss dorm 4) Animal 5) Verb - past tense 6) Object in room 7) Protective gear 8) Other protective gear 9) Health risk 10) Verb that makes you uncomfortable 11) Object in bathroom 12) Roommate’s name 13) Thing 14) Noun 15) Adjective 16) Emotion

17) Swear word 18) Power Rangers villain 19) Masturbatory object 20) Type of sustenance 21) Holiday 22) Emotion 23) Adjective 24) Same as #3 25) Adjective 26) Relative 27) Bodily fluids 28) Object 29) Noun 30) Verb 31) Verb 32) Noun

DRINKING GAME WALKING HOME FROM YOUR LAST FINAL Chaning Green wrote this

Spring semester is everybody’s favorite. The flowers are blooming, everyone starts showing more skin, and sleeping in the grass is a little more acceptable. So naturally, Ole Miss students ponder the age-old question “How can I use this as an excuse to get drunk?”

Well your friends over at The Black Sheep are here, once again, to help out with that. Right now, all the students on campus are at this strange point in the semester where they are either finished with all their finals and have nothing to worry about anymore or they’re sobbing into a textbook while screaming for maternal comfort.

laps: Shotgun a beer Birds are loud about it: 1 gulp of beer Croft students are sitting on their private patio working diligently and yet somehow eating a sandwich and laughing gleefully: Down 2 shots and try not to look like a disappointment to your mother.

Notice a person sitting alone in the grass looking defeated: Relate A dude wearing salmon colored shorts that go above the knee: Chug a beer See a happy couple walking while holding hands: Feel bitter

Every time you hear the words “because it’s such a nice day!”: 1 big beer swig

Notice a pinecone a few feet in front of you: Look around curiously in an attempt to see the pinecone’s tree of origin.

Luckily all of these students can be found in the Grove from about 10:30 a.m. until late hours of the night. Oxford in the spring is a steady 68-75 degrees pretty much all the time. It’s always perfect weather on a perfect day to have a cold drink at the expense of others. So grab the biggest case of PBR Wal-Mart has, stash that $11 bottle of Rebel Yell, bust out that lawn chair, and let’s play.

See some dude-bros playing Frisbee and trying to look manly about it: Chug a beer and yell discouraging things.

Can’t find a pine tree because, shit, you’re not a fucking botanist and that’s okay. You don’t have to be a botanist: Shotgun a beer

See some sorority girls in pastel-colored tank tops playing Frisbee and trying to look manly about it: Casually sip a beer and look impressed.

Vomit: Stop being such a lil’ bitch and drink to replenish alcohol levels.

Someone is walking across the Grove in the grass not wearing shoes and looking perfectly content about it: 1 sip of whiskey

Realize that you are drunk: Take another shot because, we mean, you already came this far, don’t puss out now.

Those two girls sitting on the top of a picnic table while not writing in those spiral-bound notebooks they each have open in their

Remember that you forgot to finish that paper: Accept it, this isn’t the first time and it won’t be the last.

Campus police hassles you for sitting in a lawn chair in the middle of the Grove, publicly drinking alcohol on school property: Sob and blame it on the absence of your father and that one monster bitch of a fifth grade teacher who made you feel like you didn’t deserve nice things in life.

Become self-aware: Stop being self-aware

COME PARTY AT THE LEVEE! HAPPY HOUR: 3PM - 8PM MONDAY! HAPPY HOUR: $0.25 WINGS, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL NIGHT (8PM - 12AM): $2 PITCHERS TUESDAY! HAPPY HOUR: $10 BURGER & BOTTOMLESS BEER, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL NIGHT (8PM - 12AM) : 2-FOR-1 WELLS, DOMESTIC BEERS & SHOOTERS

WEDNESDAY! HAPPY HOUR: 2-FOR-1 APPETIZERS AND $3 WELL WHISKEY, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL NIGHT (8PM - 10:30PM) : $2 WELL LIQUOR DRINKS & $1 DRAFT BEERS

THURSDAY! HAPPY HOUR: $5 CHICKEN FINGER BASKET AND FRIES, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL NIGHT (8PM - 12AM) : 2-FOR-1 WELLS, DOMESTIC BEERS & SHOOTERS

FRIDAY! HAPPY HOUR: 2-FOR-1 SPICY CHICKEN SANDWICHES, $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL SATURDAY! HAPPY HOUR: $1 OFF ALL ALCOHOL

1008 JACKSON AVE E OXFORD, MISSISSIPPI

WEEKLY SPECIALS

NOW SERVING!

BACK ALLEY BBQ Back

Ribs – Pull

To-Go Orders Welcom

MONDAY

$6 Half Slab of Ribs, $1 Mystery Beer

TUESDAY

– Appetize rs –

Smoked BBQ Nachos

House fried tortilla chips smothered with your choic pulled pork or smo ked chicken,cheese sauce, and BBQ sauce. $9.00 jalapenos add $.50

Half-off Quesadillas, $2 House Wine Sausage and Cheese

Smoked sausage with cheddar and pepper jack cheese spears, and jalapen os. $9.00

Bacon Cheese Fries

Basket of tasty frie

WEDNESDAY

2 Sandwiches for $10, $3 Well Whiskey Drinks

FRIDAY

$8 Brew and Cue (BBQ Sandwich, Beer and Fries)

s topped with cheese and bacon. $5 Rebel Nachos House fried tortilla chips topped with a crea my sausag cheese dip. $9.00

THURSDAY

Mozzarella Sticks

Battered mozzarella deep fried served with spicy ranch dipping sauce. 8.00

Half Price Apps.– until Sandwich es – 7pm, 2 for 1 Wells from 7-10:30pm Regular / Jumbo BBQ

Served with fries.

1/4 # of Hickory smo ked pulled pork with slaw / 1/2 # of Hickory smoked pull ed pork with slaw. 8.00 / 9.00

Beef Brisket

Our beef brisket, seas oned and smoked for hours for a de smoky flavor and chop ped served on texas toast. 9.00 Burger

HAPPY HOUR!

Eight ounces of bee f, pickle, onions, lett uce, and tomato mustard and mayo on a ciabatta bun. $8.0 0

Bacon Cheese Burger

Eight ounces of bee f, cheddar or pepper jack cheese, and tw slices of bacon on a ciabatta bun. $9.50

Monday - Friday: $2 Domestics, $3 Imports, $4 Wells, $1 Off Top Shelf The Don Vito

Chicken breast saut eed with onions and tomatoes in a white wine sauce, provolo ne cheese, and ranc h dressing served on ciabatta bun. $9.50 a

The Swog Style Pork

A fried pork loin toss ed in a house made buffalo sauce with lettuce, tomato, onio ns, brown sugar bac on, pepper jack cheese and a fried egg on a ciabatta bun . $10.00

– Quesadil la

s–

Hickory smoked Pull

ed Pork

1/2 # Pulled pork, ched

dar cheese, BBQ sauc

Beef Brisket

e 9.00

Hickory smoked Bris ket, onions, peppers , cheddar cheese with BBQ sauce on the side 9.00

132 COURTHOUSE SQUARE | (662) 513-0588 Chicken

Smoked or Seared Chic ken with onions, pep pers, cheddar cheese served with salsa and sour crea m 9.00 Warning: Consumptio

n of undercooked

meat, poultry, eggs,

or seafood may increa

se