The Black Sheep
EAR FREE NED ... L FOR IKE T ACT HAT ING SC A L I K R YO E YO U UC ARE D.
Vol.6, Issue 4
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
2/27/14 - 3/20/14
SUNDAY BAR SCENE IS STRAIGHT BANGIN’ BARNEY THOMPSON WROTE THIS
Oxford, MS -- With the recent change allowing bars to serve alcohol on Sunday came a crowd truly committed to the party. What’s traditionally been known as the day of rest has transformed into the most turnt day of the week. Popularity spawned from a strong Instagram presence in the form of culture-defining hashtags such as #TwerkinForTheBigMan and #ShitfacedSunday. The passion with which these people throw down has been best described as an alcohol-fueled orgy riot. “It’s totally an alcohol-fueled orgy riot,” said Ole Miss sophomore Kareem Pennyworth with a cautionary tone. You wouldn’t expect Sunday to draw such a big crowd, but freshman economics major Kris McTopher explained the developing trend to us. “The cold beer and Sunday sales were cool, but you can’t show off to everyone how much you’re spending,” explained McTopher. “At the bars everyone sees you droppin’ bank. If people can’t see you raining stacks, then what’s the point?” Exhausted by the massive knowledge dump he just squatted out, McTopher refilled his recently-emptied flask of Fireball and stumbled away to spread more knowledge to the college masses. Not everyone is welcoming this change with open arms though, especially not the ones responsible for cleaning up Monday morning.
“They’re monsters, disgusting monsters” said Lauren Tyrdly. “Bodily fluids are literally everywhere. We can’t even regrout since we’re a historical landmark or some nonsense, despite the massive amounts of sweat, semen and vomit stains.” What’s truly impressive about the damage these party-goers inflict on their surroundings is the efficiency with which they do it, like a drunken SEAL Team 6. The bars close at 9 p.m. which most would consider early for a night out on the Square compared to weekend benders lasting well into the morning, but the kids adapted quickly to the early peak turnt time. “Honestly, getting absolutely faced on Sunday might be the most responsible thing you could do,” said Ole Miss junior Lars Simone. “Everyone’s hammered by 8 o’clock and heading to late night or off to crash with their slam by 9:30. I ended up passing out so early Sunday, I woke up early enough to do a week’s worth of homework and even went for a run. I haven’t gone running since the Clinton administration; sloshed Sundays might be the best thing I could ever do for my health.” As much as the employees hate it, the students love it. Sundays use to be spent lounging by the pool, enjoying a few beers. If you wanted to truly throw down on Sundays, it took some pretty solid planning. Now, you can go full-rage seven days a week.
“Sundays have been getting better this year with the start of cold beer and Sunday sales, now they’re complete,” said sophomore Luke Buelow as he wiped away a single tear. “Like, who wants to start butt chugging at the pre-game only to realize it’s Sunday and you’re stuck at the house with a butt full of beer and nowhere to go? The aldermen are really tuned into the city’s needs.”
The wide-spread popularity of Sunday bar life actually came as a surprise to the aldermen who passed the change. “We just thought it might bring some extra revenue in,” said alderman Frank Welker. “By no means were we expecting this to transform into a weekly party of Mardi Gras proportions. I’ve even heard reports that a ‘ceiling twerk’ is being pioneered by an elite twerk team that frequents La
Paz and The Levee.” Who would have guessed that Sunday would become the biggest party day of the week? What was originally seen as a change made for the sake of being reasonable, has quickly become a historic event changing the face of Oxford forever.
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