Volume 7
The Black Sheep
just Free! from Like gro eatin cery g d stor inne e sa r mp les.
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 3
Alabama Fans Blown Away
by Hustle and Bustle of Big City Life Barney Thompson wrote this
With the Alabama game just days away, Crimson fans are arriving in droves. After hitching their wagons to nearby shrubberies and unpacking their sticks and bindles, the visitors slowly funneled their way through town, exploring the nationally-ranked beauty that is the home of the nationally-ranked Rebels.
engine, his sister-cousin and fellow ‘Bama alumnus, Cathy-Lynne Jaxonne, simply could not get over The Grove’s lighting.
Rather than commenting on the rustic appeal of old-money Oxford, as many do, the Crimson Tide was simply flabbergasted by how fast the big city life was.
“I thought I’d been touched by one’a’dem angels and done made my assent! Walking through that fine-lookin’ patch o’ grass was one thing, but then the lights came on. HOO-WEE! We’d need every extension cord in town to pull this together,” said Jaxonne, “it’s a regular Circle Dee Sole y’all got on your hands here.”
It seems that while the rest of the South, and the majority of the world’s habitable regions, have moved on into the 21st century without missing more than a beat, Alabama continues to reside in times of well-drawn water and coffee without even a hint of pumpkin spice. Yeah, it’s pretty bad there. Crimson fan, Bill Butchneck, is simply astounded at how quickly everything moves here in Oxford. “I am simply astounded at how quickly everything moves here in Oxford. It’s a real shock to the head bean, seein’ all the big lights and horseless buggies scootin’‘bout, n’whatnot,” Butchneck poignantly stated before refreshing his chew-filled lip with one of five cans of Grizzly he keeps on his person at all times. While Butchneck continued drooling what seemed like a can and a half of Grizzly over the wonder of a gas-fueled combustion
Before even having the chance to explain who we were, Jaxonne was already in the midst of “backwoods-bawking” at the Grove’s myriad lights.
Jaxonne then slipped into what would best be described as a moth-like state of trance, completely fixated on the glowing orbs posted throughout that beautiful son of a bitch we call The Grove. The mind blowing didn’t stop with the fans, however. Coach Nick Saban couldn’t get his constantly-enraged mind around the fact that the Ole Miss coaching staff all had working headsets. “We usually just tie some empty cans up to strings and yell into ‘em, which is actually a pretty big upgrade over our last system. We use to just swing our arms in big, dramatic motions. Our play-calling security was just awful,” explained Saban before reaching into his bag of kittens and punching one in the face until it was little more than a stew of bone, ooze and flesh.
“Sorry about that, was getting a little jittery,” said Saban, confirming his rumored ongoing kitten-punching habit, “used to punch meerkats, but the wildlife federation was getting all up my ass. Way further than I like. I’m talking a full forearm past the prostate.”
Saban then began explaining the wonders of prostate stimulation and what a salve it’s been for his team. “I’ve never seen a locker room come together this much, it’s truly astounding,” said Saban, adjusting in his seat slightly.
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PAGE 6
JIMMY JOHN’S BREACH AFFECTS THOUSANDS OF PARENTS’ CREDIT CARDS
TOP 10: GROVE ITEMS YOU’LL FIND POST-GAME DAY
IT’S TIME TO COOL IT ON THE TURKEY TOMS.
BUT REALLY, WHO HASN’T SEEN SEASON 4 OF REBA?
Once Saban’s hand began creeping up his leg we excused ourselves from the room, bringing the interview to an end. If you see any ‘Bama fans out this weekend standing in the middle of the road caught up in the hustle and bustle of the big city, please be a good sport and move them over to the bike lane.
PAGES 10-11 THE BLUZZSHEED WE TAKE A PAGE FROM THE BUZZFEED BOOK AND DO OUR OWN IMAGE-WITH-QUOTE SPECTACULAR!
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