Volume 8
The Black Sheep
Fre e you ! Like a put ll th on o ose ver pou bre nds ak. ..
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 1
HOW TO NOT FAIL OUT OF OLE MISS,
AND STILL BE A REBEL Barney Thompson wrote this
Congratulations, you achieved the illustrious status of academic probation. You get to attend that rad-to-thebone EDHE class and go to study hall hours where you’re surrounded by people sleeping or otherwise spiraling ever faster towards the drain that is Northwest Community College. Now that your dreams have come true and you get to do mindless selfhelp busy work, it’s probably time to get your shit together. You really don’t want to flunk out of a university that is best known for looking pretty and consuming alcohol at cement truck volumes. This may seem like a daunting task because anything other than bingeing Call of Duty while HBO softcore plays in the background actually requires some effort. Have no fear though, you lovable slacker, we’re gonna whip you into a shape so awesome your friends are gonna be like, “Wow. Is that a parallelogram?” First thing’s first, put your junk away. Yes, the emotional rollercoaster that is The Notebook is a recipe for instant lady-boner, but it’s time to have some pride. And you, sir, Cathouse is not compelling reality TV, if that even exists, so sheathe the schlong. It really cannot be stressed enough how important this step is, it’s just
impossible to do any studying when your room reeks of shame and expired, clearance-shelf Vaseline. With genitalia fully covered you’re at least marginally decent, moving on to the next step, which is to be somewhat sober. While it is absolutely heroic to do a 10-minute presentation of the macroeconomics of the Irish Potato Famine while you’re drunk AF, it’s not going to get you the grade you’re looking for. Having a few drinks is fine if you can see the veiled the line between “a little buzzed” and “who puked in my pants?” Given you’re in the delinquent class, it’s safe to assume you don’t know where that line is and couldn’t find it with Marco Polo himself by your side. So, maybe a different, more sober approach is needed. At this point you’re probably asking, “But how do I amuse myself and keep face with all my cool substanceabusing friends?” Well, there’s a great trick to not drinking: club soda. Without a drink in your hand, you’re pretty much the lamest thing since Hitler’s art career, so just trick everyone into thinking you’re cool. Another plus is you get to see just how insane drunk people are. An ability that is impossible when you are also
an insane drunk person. While it can be effective to crack open your textbooks from the comfort of your room, it’s best to study in a place that’s uncomfortable as possible. This is going to take some creativity and knowledge of what kind of person you are. Perhaps it’s sitting in the
middle of that mini-Parthenon across from the library or maybe shoving a handful of marbles up your butt and running on a treadmill with your books propped open. Experiment a little; see what works and what doesn’t.
Compared to some places, Ole Miss isn’t all that tough of an academic challenge. You just have to put forth some effort, any effort, and you can float through the rest of the way on charisma and the occasional bribe. We’re kidding of course, you’re gonna have to do, like, a lot of bribing.
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PAGES 10-11
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TOP 10: WAYS TO LOSE THAT WINTER BREAK WEIGHT
THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO THE OSCARS
COLE FROM FUNKY’S SURE DOES LIKE HIS WHISKEY.
IF YOU PUT LIGHT DRESSING ON EVERYTHING, IT MAKES IT ALL HEALTHIER, RIGHT?
WITH THIS GUIDE, YOU’LL SOUND LIKE SOMEONE WHO SPENT 20 HOURS WATCHING MOVIES.
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JANUARY 22ND 2015 - FEBRUARY 4TH 2015
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