Ole Miss Fall Issue 12 - 11/29/12

The Black Sheep Presents the fun AND games fInals issue Volume 3, Issue 12 11/29/12 - 12/7/12

theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_om

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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 4: Holly and Jolly at Ole Miss

page 4

Santa Claus is coming to town. He'll bring the red, you bring the green.

page 8: Breaking the Law, Made Easy

Table of

Hah, like your mom, dude. Totally gotcha.

page 8: The Top 10 Things that Happened at Ole Miss This Year.

page 11: Are You Smarter Than Sam Smith, Baseball Bachelor? see if you can beat his trivia score

page 11

$6 WEEK DAY SPECIALS! ALL SPECIALS SERVED WITH CHIPS OR FRIES

MONDAY

THURSDAY

TUESDAY

1/2 lb. Footlong Chili Cheese Dog

Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich Fried or Seared Chicken Sandwich

WEDNESDAY

Jumbo BBQ Sandwich

Hambuger

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

The Don Vito - Seared Chicken, Sauteed w/ Onions and Tomatoes in White Wine

AND DON’T FORGET THISTO! NES

KEYS WEDNESDAY NIGHT $1 PBRs & INKS THURSDAY NIGHT 2 FOR 1 DR

BOOK YOUR CHRISTMAS PARTIES AT ROUNDTABLE!

132 COURTHOUSE SQUARE | (662) 513-0588

GIVE US A CALL AT (205) 482-1415 TO BOOK YOURS TODAY

page three p e e h S k The Blaicle App Mob

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word of the week Gas Has Rye

Synch Keen Yen

Do you know who these celebrity hotties are?

Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

quipster:

A person who uses outdated phrases in an attempt to be amusingly ironic.

“What do you mean you think I sound like an idiot? Well how ‘bout you just go talk to the hand, ‘cuz this face don’t wanna hear it?”

page 7

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From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask?

FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

If you could create a holiday, what would it be?

“National Good Samaritan Day - you have to do 3 nice things for people you don’t know.” - Alex A.

Holly and Jolly at Ole Miss Barney Thompson wrote this

Santa Claus, a kind old man with a heart as big as his belly.

That was a lie. You’re old enough now to know the truth about the jolly old fool. Santa has a bit of a party habit; that isn’t snow in that globe of his. A few years back, the blown-out coot almost burned down Kencannon after crashing his sleigh into the Union. Despite corrective surgery, Rudolph never was the same; those other reindeer didn’t help, with the incessant teasing and excluding him from all their bomb-ass games. It all started when Santa flew through an oddly dense cloud above the Medicinal Plant Garden…

“Oh my, Santa’s got the munchies,” Santa pretentiously said in third person.

He quickly directed his slay in the direction of the Union, navigating around the cramped buildings of Ole Miss’ campus.

With a skid and a mysterious thud, Santa’s sleigh was carefully parked.

“You can’t land your sleigh here,” spoke a slightly intoxicated student.

“Why not? Is this not a reasonable place to land?” Santa inquired.

“Reasonable? You’re on a student! This is the Ole Miss Union!” exclaimed the intoxicated student, who was simultaneously wetting his pants.

Ignoring the soiled student’s words, Santa shambled over to the Burger Studio in hopes of “sleighing” his munchies; but not before tossing the reins to the frat-nasty freshman pinned beneath his sleigh.

“You got any reindeer meat? The wife won’t let me eat it, says it makes the other ones ‘uncomfortable’,” asked Santa to the unfortunate employee.

“I don’t believe so. Are you Santa?” asked the red-eyed minimum wage worker.

“What are you, a Betsy? Get me some meat-food!”

With both burger and flask in hand, Santa shuffled out the back of the Union, aiming for Kencannon. Knowing the dorm’s reputation, he had high hopes of finding more some strange clouds to ease the rest of the night’s work. As with all good intentions though, UPD was there to ruin them. As he stumbled to a stop in front of Kincannon, (blue lights froze the jolly man in his steps.)

“National Free Beer Day, so people can have free beer and a good time with their friends.” - Troy M.

“Sir, have you been drinking?” asked the officer to Santa.

“I ain’t no bitch, but I smell some bacon,” Santa factually stated.

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to come with us.”

“Fuck the police!” Santa interjected before reaching into his magic sack and pulling out a molotov cocktail, which he then pitched at the officers’ vehicle.

With UPD car ablaze, Santa hustled around the back of Kincannon. He quickly located some faded fellows and enquired as to if they had any of that “Loud-ass tinsel.” They escorted the big man up to their room and scaled out a sack for old Saint Blazer. Papers on hand, Santa rolled up a fatty and commenced to puffing.

“You trying to cheat me with some reggie! I should cut both ya’ll,” Santa coughed out before tossing the still-lit joint into the trash.

As Santa walked out of Kincannon, and headed back towards his sleigh, large billows of smoke could be seen coming from a room on the fourth floor, as sirens screamed towards the dorm.

“Punk-bitches,” Santa muttered under his breath as his sleigh lifted into the air gearing up to deliver presents to all the good boys and girls.

“National Chocolate Day - everyone gets a free chocolate bar…Godiva, the good stuff.” - Ashton H.

HOLIDAY ENTERTAINMENT MATRIX blowin’ up

Les Miserables WIZ KHALIFA - O.N.I.F.C.

DJANGO UNCHAINED

KESHA - WARRIOR

WII U

Bruno Mars Unorthodox Jukebox

lame

cool Big boi - vicious lies and dangerous rumors

GUARDIANS OF MIDDLE EARTH GUILT TRIP

JaCK REACHER ANGELS AND AIRWAVES STOMPING THE PHANTOM BRAKE PEDAL

under-hyped

HOTLINE MIAMI

BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS WANT MORE Download our MOBILE APP! DOWNLOAD FOR iPHONE

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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

THURSDAY! New Karaoke w/ Cowboy Dereck 2 for 1 Margaritas $4.99 Lunch Combo, $6.99 Lunch Fajitas

Taco Tuesday!

Blackened Mahi, Fried Shrimp, Beef and Cheese, and Veggie Tacos only $1 each $2 Wells and Domestic Beers

THURSDAY - SATURDAY $1 PBR and Keystone Free Power Tower on Birthdays!

THURS, 11/29

New Karaoke w/ Cowboy Dereck 2 for 1 Margaritas $4.99 Lunch Combo, $6.99 Lunch Fajitas

Wingday Thursday! $1.50 PBR Pints Karaoke Downstairs in the Piano Bar at 9

$1 PBR and Keystone

FRI, 11/30

2 for 1 Margaritas $4.99 Lunch Combo $6.99 Lunch Fajitas

$2 “Pre Game Shots” from 8-10 Dueling Pianos downstairs in the Piano Bar at 9 Get Some Tamales!

5.99 for 1/2 dozen, 12 for $10.99

$1 PBR and Keystone

SAT, 12/01

2 for 1 Margaritas $4.99 Lunch Combo $6.99 Lunch Fajitas

Open @ Noon!

All Burgers Half Price Until 4 2 for 1 Margaritas until 7 $3 “Rebelution” drinks from 8-10 Dueling Pianos Downstairs in the piano bar at 9

$1 PBR and Keystone

SUN, 12/02

$4.99 Lunch Combo $6.99 Lunch Fajitas

Open at Noon - 9 on Home Football Weekend $4 Fireball Shots All Day Long!

$1 PBR and Keystone (Only Open on Home Game Weekends)

MON, 12/03

$4.99 Lunch Combo $6.99 Lunch Fajitas $1 Margaritas w/ purchase of an entree ($8 or more)

Wingday Monday! $1.50 Pabst Blue Ribbon Pints

$4 Car Bombs

TUES, 12/04

$4.99 Lunch Combo $6.99 Lunch Fajitas $1 Margaritas w/ purchase of an entree ($8 or more)

Taco Tuesday!

Blackened Mahi, Fried Shrimp, Beef and Cheese, and Veggie Tacos only $1 each $2 Wells and Domestic Beers

2 for 1 Wells

WED, 12/05

$4.99 Lunch Combo $6.99 Lunch Fajitas $1 Margaritas w/ purchase of an entree ($8 or more)

Happy hour Until 7 After 7: Drink specials change every 30 minutes on the Specials Wheel!

Signature Burgers are Half Price until 10

$3 Shots Pool League @ 8pm

If you don’t start following us...

YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEP_OM Scan to go right to the page!

The Bar Grid MONDAY - SATURDAY $6 Meals Served with Chips or Fries!

Mon - Sat: Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife

Everyday Sunday and Wednesday: Flip Night!

Call it right, the drinks are on us!

TUESDAYS: $10 Burgers & Bottomless Beer LADIES NIGHT! 2 for 1 Wells 2 for 1 Shooters (slammers, lemon drops) Beer Pong League

SPECIAL NIGHT

$6 Hamburger (w/ Chips or Fries) 2 for 1 Drinks

Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife

$1 Shot Night 2 for 1 on Everything until 9pm Penny Pitchers 9-10pm

Power Hour (9-10): $1 PBR & Keystone $1 shots, $2 Coors Tall boys DJ Gordo

THURS, 11/29

$6 1/2 lb. Footlong Chili Cheese Dog (w/ Chips or Fries)

Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife

2 for 1 on Everything until 9pm Penny Pitchers 9-10pm

$1 PBR and Keystone DJ Wade

FRI, 11/30

$6 Don Vito - Seared Chicken, Sauteed w/ Onions and Tomatoes in White Wine (w/ Chips or Fries)

Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife

2 for 1 on Everything until 9pm Penny Pitchers 9-10pm

Cornhole Tournament for a free bar tab!

SAT, 12/01

Check out our great food specials all week long!

Check out southdepottacoshop.com!

Flip Sunday: Call it right, the drinks are on us!

Only Open on Sunday on Game Day Weekends!

SUN, 12/02

$6 Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich (w/ Chips or Fries)

2 for 1 Frozen Margaritas Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife

$10 Pitcher of Beer and 18 wings 2 for 1 domestics

$2 Pitchers and $0.25 Wings

MON, 12/03

$6 Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich (w/ Chips or Fries)

2 for 1 Domestics Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife

Beer and Shot Night Buy a Beer, Get a Free Shot

$10 Burgers and Bottomless Beer LADIES NIGHT! 2 for 1 Wells 2 for 1 Shooters (slammers, lemon drops) Beer Pong League

TUES, 12/04

$6 Jumbo BBQ Sandwich (w/ Chips or Fries) $1 PBR & Keystone

2 for 1 Wells Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife

Flip Wednesday: Call it right, the drinks are on us!

Whiskey Wing Day! FREE Wings and $3 Whiskey Drinks

WED, 12/05

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The Top 10

page 7

things that happened this year at ole miss 10.) The Bid Day Video: As baby sorostitutes open their bid day cards, the path to their new houses is lined with frat boys cheering them on to run faster. This is an accident waiting to happen and, of course, get caught on camera and put on YouTube. A new Kappa pledge found this out the hard way by tripping over a rope and face planting into the sidewalk.

Nothing like becoming the star of a viral video just in time for Panty Dropping Monday.

Breaking the Law, Made Easy

Barney Thompson wrote this

For most, finals week is spent in the library, shocked at how much studying it takes to pass an academic probation class. For others, though, finals week is just another series of nights you’ll have to apologize for in the morning. Maybe in your drunken stupor you realize you’ve left no legacy, no great story behind to memorialize you long after having graduated. Put aside your fears friend, here’s a few ways to quickly get arrested, and forever scar a memory into any on-lookers.

Relieve yourself upon a student’s laptop in the Library: The library is a place of quiet study, a time to bury ones head far up the ass of one’s biology book while praying your professor catches a rare Russian flu and gives everyone an A on the final; clearly you need to liven things up. What better way to make someone question every decision they’ve made in their life than by dropping a fresh, putrid steamer right on top of a 2012 MacBook pro?

Drive a car into the Union: Parking has long been an issue on Ole Miss’ campus, so why not just make your own parking spot in front of Chick-fil-A at the Union? They needed a drive-thru anyway.

UPD might ask for a reason as to why you would do such a reckless and stupid thing, to which you simply reply, “YOLO.” Sadly, UPD doesn’t acknowledge the law of YOLO, so this is where you can start being a man and put that car in drive or accept that you’re children won’t love you and allow the clack of those steel cuffs on your wrist to echo throughout the Union; be all you can be, soldier.

Enjoy a stroll down Sorority Row in the nude: We’re living in liberated times, so why shouldn’t you enjoy a brisk walk down sorority row in the buff? Use your god-given right to express your inner burning desire to break free from society’s collared mold; while also scaring an entire population of sorority girls into thinking there’s a maniacal nudist on the loose. The brilliance of this plan is that while enjoying the crisp Mississippi air, you’re also advertising for future slams; you’re going places, kid.

Chop down a Christmas tree from The Grove: It’s Wednesday, two in the morning, and you’re a handle of Evan Williams into the night; sudden clarity leads to a realization that you don’t have a single Christmas decoration on display. You better fix this before word spreads that you’re a Nazi-socialist commie; that’s almost as bad as being a GDI. Aside from liberating decoration’s from the university, clearly you’re best option is cutting down a tree from The Grove; it’s full of other trees and there’s, like, all that grass it has too. While going G.W. on that Grove lumber, some of your fellow students and UM authorities will inquire as to what you’re doing or attempt to tase you into submission; don’t let that deter you though, the orphans are counting on you!

Set Hume on fire to avoid your College Algebra Final: Who likes math? Not you, so let’s burn that bitch to the ground! With your mini-militia of fratsoldiers behind you, Bic lighters in hand, it’s time you march up to the front doors of Hume and defiantly yell, “We don’t need no water!” while attempting to set fire to the leaves surrounding the building. Not the most effective approach, but you’ve got heart kid, and that’s what matters.

Ideally, you’ll realize that you’re efforts are small time and “You’re a big fish.” Returning to your efforts, with that killer flame-thrower one of your brothers bought during a rum-fueled Amazon shopping spree, you’ll want to make quick work of that building; sadly UPD will have a hard time believing you were attempting to put out the fire with more fire, you know, like with snake bites.

If all else fails, remember that cops are pigs, their moms are shameless women, and most of them are not okay with you urinating on them to prove a point; if you wouldn’t say it sober, you should probably shout it at the top of your lungs. In your efforts to join the most elite party-hogs, refusing to let finals put a damper on their drunk, don’t let sobriety-stricken naysayers bring you down; you’re a unique, vomit covered, snowflake with too much snow swag for them to handle.

9.) New Football Coach: First we thanked God for no longer having to hear plays-on-words with the name “Nutt.” Then, we made it past the no-coach joking stage, “Did you hear that Joe Paterno is applying for the coaching job at Ole Miss? Yeah, he said he wanted to stay as far away from college football as possible.” Now we have a new head coach Hugh Freeze and a much catchier saying, “Are ‘Hugh’ ready?”

8.) Robert Nkemdiche Committing: Robert Nkemdiche is the #1 national football recruit and brother to Ole Miss starting linebacker Denzel Nkemdiche. Despite the freak-out those Ole Miss alumni had about the riots scaring off prospects, Denzel let it slip that his brother will commit here in the next few weeks. This would be the highest ranking recruit to ever commit to the Rebels…. Look out SEC, are HUGH ready for an Ole Miss comeback?

7.) Beating University of Florida – Baseball: Last spring, Matt Snyder rips a homerun in the first inning against the reining #1 ranked UF baseball team. The ball goes over the fence and everyone’s drinks go up in the air - our first beer-shower of the game. The celebration doesn’t stop as the Rebels continue to dominate the Gators, resulting in a 3-0 Ole Miss win.

6.) Bo Wallace getting punched in the face: At a drunken pool party this summer at The Connection apartment complex, Bo Wallace (who doesn’t even live there) found himself with a bit of a problem. After a long day of drinking and flirting, the quarterback loudly used one name-drop too many. Even though YouTube took the video of the fight down, the picture says a thousand words.

5.) “I’m Shmacked” Video: “I’m Shmacked” is a video series highlighting college party scenes across the country. They featured Ole Miss during the Auburn football weekend and the video already has 62,000 views. It shows off everything we do best: beautiful girls, mud riding, chugging handles, shot-gunning beers and just getting wild. Now we have some proof to back up our party school reputation.

4.) Making Racial Milestones: 2012 was so close to being the year Ole Miss absolved our racist image. This year, our 50th year of integration, we elected our first black Associated Student Body President Kimberly Dandridge and our first black homecoming queen Courtney Pearson. You would think this would be the solution to our prejudice rep, but then we have to go fuck it all up with….

3.) … The Election Riots: After the 2012 Presidential Election, a couple hundred idiots decided to make a scene on the Ole Miss campus about the election results. The media ate this up: A political protest about the re-election of our first black President right around the 50th anniversary of the infamous James Meredith integration riots. Lets just say, these “rioters” are not getting their degree in Public Relations.

2.) The Texas Game: The Texas Game, aka “the biggest party Oxford has ever seen” took the Grove by storm September 15, 2012. In a town with a population of 19,000, this game brought in 30,000 Ole Miss and Longhorn fans. We even got Matthew McConaughey to fly in for this epic event. Whether you were in a 10-gallon hat or your Sunday best, everyone got wasted and had a true deep-south good time.

1.) #FailState: FEED MONCRIEF: “We may lose a game but we never lose a party!” While true, winning the game sure makes the party a hell of a lot better. MSU’s quarterback Tyler Russell has been hyped up all season, but this game Ole Miss receiver Donte Moncrief was the star of the show. King Kobraz’s student-produced song “Feed Moncrief” played over the stadium speakers while Moncrief caught seven passes for 173 yards and three touchdowns.

TBS STAFF wrote this

the seek n find

The Black Sheep's Millennial Nativity: Can you find all ten contemporary idols in this nativity scene? If St. Jar Jar answers your prayers, send in your answers and we'll send you some sweet swag!

Crazy Uncle Jackson’s $20 Gift Basket Bonanza!!!

Hi there, it’s your favorite crazy uncle here, Andrew Jackson! When I’m not busy being the long-dead seventh President of the United States, I’m all about saving college students some money.

Why, in my day those crazy college kids, they where the best—they’d rub a piss-soaked sheepskin in a scotsman’s face and call it a Tuesday! Now, you’re getting ahead of yourself ole’ Andrew, you’re on the $20, and that’s ‘bout all kids got to spend on gifts this holidee season, so what can ya’ll kids get, and for whom?

For the Very Virginal

For the Super Study Buddy

For the Rowdy Roommate

Wallflower, shy guy, “Hey, isn’t that the guy who had his face mangled by a rabid squirrel?”, whatever he’s called, it’s all shorthand for, “This dude has certainly never felt the carnal pleasures of a woman.” He knows it, you know it, and he knows you know it. This holiday season give him some pep in his step by providing him a gift pack that screams, “Please stop making it difficult to discuss sex in front of you and just go get laid already.”

If she wouldn’t have lent you her notes for every exam, quiz, paper, recitation, essay, response, presentation, lab, practical and speech that evil teacher in your should-be-easy elective assigned, you’d be jerking off lion tamers in tht circus for spare coins right now. You may not like her, but you need her. How does one say, “Same time next semester?” without coming off like a selfish prick?

The first time Kevin punched a hole in the wall was funny.

The second time it was irritating. When he lit the carpet on fire and then peed it out, you finally lost it. Maybe you haven’t spoke to him since September, but a holiday gift basket would be the backhanded holiday season gesture to rekindle that fire. No, not the one on the carpet.

1 Pint of shitty vodka ($4) When he finally gets to pop that cherry, he’s not going to want to remember any of it.

1 Trojan Pleasures Extended 3-pack ($5) Even Old Faithful blushes when he erupts too early.

1 Pocket Kama Sutra ($6) Yes, page one has the missionary position on it.

14gb MircoSD Card ($4) He needs to learn from his mistakes, of which there will be many, so he needs something to store the play-by-play data.

For the Brokest of Bros He’d be the life of the party if he could ever afford to attend one. Instead, when he does scrape a few bucks together he nabs a handle of the cheapest vodka he can find and watches his one DVD, a stolen copy of Pocahontas, by himself. Hobos are giving this dude change.

1 Maruchan Top Ramen Chicken 6-pack ($1.50) He may say he’s so thin because it makes the ladies love him, but you see the way he eyes your nuggets like a feral dog.

Dude’s starving.

1 12oz bottle of Sriracha sauce ($3) Everything he eats may taste like shit, but there are ways to mask gross flavors, ask any sorostitute who’s used flavored condoms.

2 Months of NetFlix streaming ($9) The first month may be free, but the second month, in the lonely, cold dregs of February, will allow him to cozy up to the warmth of Ron Swanson’s fiery moustache.

1 Charmin Ultra Soft 4-pack ($6) Crap goes in, crap comes out, angrily. Might as well have the fluffiest bouncers imaginable guarding the exit, making sure everyone leaves in an orderly fashion.

1 Starbucks gift card ($5) She’ll need a latte to stay up late if she’s going to finish that chemistry lab write-up for you by morning.

1 Study Smart, Study Less: Earn Higher Grades and Better Test Scores ($8) If Rachel doesn’t study harder, how are you going to stay in school AND go out every Wednesday night?

1 Post-it tags ($4) She needs to bookmark the important pages, so you can know which pages are important.

1 Funky Star sticker roll ($3) Don’t give these to the study buddy all at once. Keep them, and use them as a motivational tool, putting one (with a clever message) on each pack of notes you return to her.

For the Mother Hen Sure, she’s only a sophomore, but before the girls head out she lines them up by height for a quick headcount, lest someone try to escape her Sauronesque glare later in the evening. If a girl talks to a guy for more than fifteen minutes she intervenes, letting him know that “his future rape victim” is taken. She thinks that if one gal deviates from the evening’s plans no one will have any fun, especially her.

1 Magnacraft 10x25 pair of binoculars ($10) With eagleeye vision, she’ll be able to protect other groups of girls from any college campus’ number one danger: Having fun.

1 Leash ($6) Like any bunch of bitches, these girls need to be kept close.

1 Whistle bracelet ($2) As the sex referee, she needs to decide if Trina needs to spend two minutes in the penalty box for letting Mark spend a few minutes in her love box.

1 Appointment book ($2) If Kathy isn’t outside of the club by 11:20 so we can hit the club next door by 11:30, she’s totally out of the group… which is exactly what Kathy wants.

1 Dap spackling kit, 1/2 pint ($6) Nothing quite says, “I love you, but I also secretly hate you, so you better fix this shit immediately” like spackle for the holidays.

1 Great Neck 1-inch putty knife ($6) The edges aren’t sharp, so he won’t be able to stab you, accidentally or not.

1 Woolite Pet Stain & Odor Remover 22oz bottle ($4) It uses the spray and cleans the carpet, or its remains end up in a tar pit.

1 Korky Plunger ($4) Finally, no excuse for him to say, “Dude, you’ll have to shit outside, sorry, I clogged the toilet yacking this morning.”

For the Hometown Homeboy Mary’s nice. She’s funny, she’s smart, she does well with men, hell, she even called you on your birthday-- an actual phone call! Still, she chose to live with her parents and attend community college, and you want to make sure he knows what you think of her poor life choices. Sadly, those pictures of a football player sucking on ya titties make you look fat, so something else will have to do.

1 Soda Can Stash ($8) No matter the vice, a parent will find it. Unless, of course, it’s hidden in a fake soda can.

4 Random shirts from the local Goodwill. When she’s forced to unironically sport a “Beaumont Football, 2A State Champions Class of 1989” t-shirt as her local sport high water mark, she’ll feel the pangs of sadness not rooting for big-conference sports brings.

1 Cigarette Hitter Rod ($5) When she takes a job on the third shift at the local taco shell plant she’ll need to mask her bad habit with another legal, deadlier one.

1 Community college bumper sticker ($3) When she realizes she’s too embarrassed to pop this on her Ford Focus, she’ll have to reevaluate her life decisions. Score, social strata superiority.

page 11

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are you smarter than?

Sam Smith - baseball bachelor 1) United States History Lee Harvey Oswald assassinated President John F. Kennedy from this Dallas location in 1963.

Answer: "The window" (incorrect)

6) Entertainment Kurt Russell and Nick Nolte -- among others -- failed to land a role as this iconic science fiction character.

Answer: “Superman” (incorrect)

2) Food The Trinidad Moruga Scorpion is currently the world's hottest chili. Chili heat is measured in these units.

Answer: “Kelvin” (incorrect)

7) Literature This author of the acclaimed novel Infinite Jest is beloved by hipsters and academics alike.

Answer: “Nicholas Sparks” (incorrect)

3) Geography These plates' edges are found at fault lines around the world. What huge pieces or rock make up the Earth's crust?

Answer: “Feldspar, granite and basalt” (incorrect)

8) World Religion Medina is the second holiest city in the Islam faith.

Which city is considered the holiest?

Answer: “Vagina Town”

4) Math Describe the radius, diameter and circumference of a circle.

Answer: “Radius = center of a circle to edge, Diameter = edge to edge through center, Circumference = perimeter of circle”

9) Biology What is Ribonucleic Acid more commonly known as?

Answer: “RNA” 10) Current Events Name the former Director of the CIA that was forced to resign in light of an extramarital affair.

Answer: “General David Petraeus”

correct answers 1) Texas School Book Depository 2) Scoville Units 3) Tectonic plates 4) Radius is from a point on the outside of a circle to it's center, diameter is the distance across a circle, and circumference is the distance around a circle.

5) Photography 6) Han Solo 7) David Foster Wallace 8) Mecca 9) RNA 10) General David Petraeus

5) Technology The daguerreotype was the first commercially successful method of this.

Answer: “Circumcising babies” (incorrect)

Quiz: What Christmas song are you?

1.) Studying for finals, you listen to: A. None other than our campus radio! The hits!

B. My heartbeat and breath.

C. Christmas Music!!!!!!!

D. I prefer to sit by cute girls and listen to them breathe.

2.) Someone invites you to the third Christmas Party of the weekend, you: A. Will go if the guy to girl ratio is heavily in your favor.

B. Prefer to drink whiskey alone during the holidays.

C. say YES! I WISH IT WAS CHRISTMAS ALL THE TIME! D. Would rather have your own party, far away from campus.

3.) It’s snowing! This means: A. You get to bundle up in your cutest winter accessories.

B. Death, things are finally dying.

C. St. Nick came! Maybe there are dollars in my shoes!

D. Girls will be easily wooed into staying in warmer places.

4.) People start reminiscing about past Christmases, and now it’s your turn to talk: A. “Last year my significant other and I stayed in and drank wine by the fire. It was so presh.”

B. “Any time of year is good when the old man is too drunk to get mad.”

C. “I can’t decide what Christmas I like the most! I LOVE THEM ALL!” D. You stare into the eyes of the most attractive mate and say “My favorite Christmas has yet to come.”

5.) At what age did you stop believing in Santa?: A. I believe the Christmas Spirit lives on through love.

B. When the old man re-gifted his half pack of cigarettes when I was six.

C. NEVERRRRR!!!!!!

D. I believe Santa lives inside us, and comes out through passionate love making.

6.) What’s your favorite Christmas movie?

A. Love Actually!!

B. The Nightmare Before Christmas.

C. Uh It’s A Wonderful Life? Duh. D. Barbie in a Christmas Carol.

7.) A group you are involved with decides to do a Secret Santa, you buy: A. Hot cocoa and wine :) B. Nothing, I’m sick and can’t leave my apartment…

C. What’s the dollar limit!? I BUY THE BEST GIFTS! D. “Leftover” Magnum condoms.

8.) You’re finally home for winter break, the first thing you do is: A. Send “I miss you,” texts to my significant other(s) B. Lay in my bed, reaching for my childhood innocence.

C. Help mom put up all the decorations!

D. Look for porn I might have hid in high school.

answer key: A=1, B=2, C=3, D=4

sam's score: 3/10 correct 0-8 "All I Want For Christmas Is You" – Mariah Carey Well aren’t you just a preppy little love bird!? This song revolutionized Christmas by giving people an outright way to say “I wantpage to have 11 sex with you tonight.” So have some wine, wiggle your hips and point at anyone during the chorus, and Santa won’t be the only one coming on Christmas.

9-16 "Carol of the Bells" You are very serious. Christmas is nothing more than a signifier of the endless passage of time.

Christmas bells, snow, and cold weather only mark another year closer to death. People are out there starving, and here we are, worshipping capitalism and reveling in manufactured cheer. In the winter, we should just sit in front of the fireplace, waiting to die.

17-24 "Jingle Bell Rock" You are just the worst. You’re the poster-child for the Christmas season, and everyone cringes at your unwavering enthusiasm this time of year.

It looks like a Christmas bomb exploded in your apartment, and you just love having the sisters over to show it off. If the bar isn’t playing Christmas music, you’ll request it and dance your pants off. DANCE GOD DAMMIT IT’S CHRISTMAS BE HAPPY. 25-32 "Baby It’s Cold Outside" For some reason, winter and Christmas bring out the creep in you. You are the rapiest of the Christmas songs, and unlike Mariah Carey, utterly fail at sexualizing Christmas. The cold weather just gives you a reason to tell girls their “lips look delicious,” and convince them they’ll catch pneumonia if they go outside. Yes, they’ll be way better off staying in your dank love-dungeon for sure.

the crossword

in the year 2000 Across

3) One of the official Olympic mascots was a native bird.

7) He lost to George W. 8) 2000 marked the start of a new this.

9) Sean Parker’s website that got sued

by Metallica.

12) The fastest selling rap album of all time happened this year, by this white boy.

14) John Mellencamp received a Doctorate of Music from this university.

19) N*SYNC set a first-week sales record with this album.

20) This show gave us a glimpse into some ballin’ pads.

11) This country got second at the Olympics.

13) This pop princess won Best New Artist.

15) The Academy Award for Best Picture.

16) The Razz for Worst Film, starring Will, WIll Smith.

17) Had the sketch “In The Year 2000.”

18) This artist changed his name back from his former unpronounceable symbol.

Down

1) This team won their third straight World Series championship.

2) This city won the Super Bowl.

4) This lady-focused TV channel launched in February.

5) Cory’s universe ended this year.

6) This artist won a record 8 Grammy’s in one night, tying Michael Jackson’s 1984 record.

10) These Olympics were down under.

Answers

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