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New Show Schizo:
Why (and Why not) to Tune in This Fall
The winds grow colder, the days get shorter, and the time has finally come where I can stop being judged for wasting entire summer days watching TV. Fall is here, and with it comes a bunch of new shows right to your picture box. Some will be awful, some will be great, but we will watch them all regardless. After all, we all like to escape into the world of TV because sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name (and doesn’t judge you for that weird face you make when you masturbate). So, now, and because I’m awesome, let me tell you what to watch and what not to watch this fall. By: Justin Gawel
New Girl Zooey Deschanel gets over a break-up by moving in with three guys. I’m sure hilarity does not ensue in this brainless anti-romp. In reality, she’d feel self-conscious about the break-up, bang one of the roommates for validation and self-esteem purposes, things would get awkward between everyone, and she’d move out by episode four much to the delight of the roomies. Either that or she’d leave after realizing that everything in their bathroom is covered in pubes, or when she walks in on one of them jackin’ it.
Dance Moms Yes, I know this show has been out for a few weeks now, but clearly, it is a work of genius. A beached whale of a woman teaches young girls to dance while the girls’ moms cause drama over nothing. Most of the time I don’t know whether to man the harpoons or keep laughing! These crazy moms once had dreams of being dancers and now are forcing their children to live those distant memories out for them. Sad? Yes, but in the same hilariously entertaining way that the show Maury is sad. Judge me if you want for giggling uncontrollably at these silly misguided twats, I don’t care-- I’ll be too busyj udging these broads for devoting their entire lives to an eight-year-old’s dance career. If anything, this show is a perfect model on how not to be a successful mom. Almost as perfect a model as justingawel.com.
Verdict: Don’t watch.
Seriously, the most successful parents know that kids don’t need dance lessons, or private school, or even love really. All kids really need is just a TV and someone to pay Comcast each month, right?
Judgment: Become obsessed with it.
Hart of Dixie A New York doctor moves to the American South and starts a practice. Wait, you’re telling me they actually practice medicine in the American South? I assumed everyone just read their Bible, hated on minorities, and prepared for a false apocalypse every few months. This show already doesn’t sound believable. Can’t we just have another show where celebrities fart on dogs for charity? Wait, you’re telling me that doesn’t exist? What the hell am I thinking of then?
Two Broke Girls How adorable, two girls struggle as waitresses in New York and hope to one day achieve their dream of running a cupcake shop! Ugh, I seriously want to barf all over a dead unicorn because of how disgustingly cheery that premise is. Instead, how about two broke(en) girls fight their heroin addiction while giving handjobs in a bus station somewhere in Iowa? It’ll be a laugh riot with all the witty banter about how many “needles” they’ve handled in a day.
Decision: Make me a show where celebrities fart on dogs for charity, but don’t watch this piece of trash.
Ruling: Don’t watch.
Angry Boys We have to wait until December, but I assure you this show will be greater that any Christmas present or Jew-Christmas present you receive this year. The dude who made Summer Heights High is back and about to drop some wicked truth on America about idiot children in Australia. If you like cross-dressing, blackface, and taunts like, “Is your mum’s heroin addiction when she was pregnant affecting your coordination?” then you will go apeshit for Angry Boys. Conclusion: Absolutely watch.