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Volume 5, Issue 4 | 9/21/11 - 9/28/11 | theblacksheeponline.com

The

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Black Sheep

“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”

That Awkward Moment When... Your Drunken Hook-up Becomes a Sober Encounter Alex everard wrote this “Come on over to drink, dance, get hopped up and make some bad decisions,” reads the description of any given Facebook event page for that friend’s house party. Well, you came over, you drank, and you made bad decisions. One of those decisions may or may not have involved finger-banging that mousey girl who lived down the hall from you freshman year while she leaned against the hot water heater in your friend’s basement. Do you have lucid memory of said events? None whatsoever, yet your friends mocking stories accompanied with the smell of your hand means you either ate a FiletO-Fish… or you totally went knuckles deep in that chick. Considering the twenty-spot in your wallet remains whole, it looks like you should be ashamed of yourself. But all is well that ends well, and she got her “sloppy drunk/O-face” on while you satisfied your need to get some part of your body inside of a person lacking a ychromosome. “Hope I never see her again,” you think to yourself as your friend packs a hangover-bowl and your buddies finally cease mocking your inebriated adventure. Little do you know what college life has in store. “Oh what a tangled web we weave when drunken girls we try to please.” – Sir Walter Scotch Three weeks go by and you’re walking down Grand River to class. You see a decent looking girl drop her lanyard, and being the gentleman you are, you bend down and retrieve it for her. ‘Here you g-… oh,” you say as the female turns around and reveals herself to be none other than … The Finger-Bang Wonder! Well, this is awkward. She clearly remembers you as her eyes jolt around, unsure where to look, while she nervously plays with the strap of her PINK tote bag. You begin to panic… “Fuck, fuck, what do I say?!” My friends, this is why you need me. Look no further for the answer to all your awkward moments.

Other stuff

Inside

05: frandor, the asshole of lansing

no one likes going there, except maybe for panera

First, calm yourself. Realize that the best-case scenario means you’ll leave on good enough terms with this girl that if you ever cross shitfaced paths again, she may return the favor. Worst case scenario, you’ll have Part II to an already hilarious story filed under the chapter of your life as “Not even a blowjob,” but awkwardness sucks so let’s focus on the first outcome. Don’t be a little bitch, it’s blatantly obvious at this juncture that you both recall or at least recall being told about your hook-up. You’re both thinking it, so casually address it. I’m not saying you should be like, “Hey, you owe me a handjob,” but try making hand-sex in a beer-covered basement seem cute. Say something like “The only thing I remember from Jeff’s party is that your downstairs is tight!” Okay, no don’t say that. Umm … okay try more along the lines of “How have you been?” Start off slow, once she replies that she’s been well, drop the hint. “Glad to hear it, probably not as well as two Fridays ago,huh?” If she blushes, good. If she blushes and slaps you in the face, not so good. I can’t guarantee what will happen, but if she goes along with the coyness, keep it up. Ask her what she’s doing this weekend and leave it with a, “Well hit me up if you’re going to be around my neighborhood.” Make it seem sincere. She’ll walk away thinking, “Hmmm … if I’m ever drunk enough I might text him.” Face it people, this campus is huge, but paths cross on a daily basis. If you’re any good at getting ass, you are more than likely to cross paths with someone you hooked up with at some point or another. Just remember to remain calm, don’t panic, and try to take the awkward out of it. Because face it-- when you’re double-digits-deep on your drinks, no one really cares about the long-term consequences. Why should that stop when you sober up?

11: msu calender of events check out some fun activities around campus... they're fun, we swear!

13: we Interview: das racist a chat with these brooklyn dudes about music, and sandwiches.


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Table of

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contents

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If B-Dubs Flavors Were Movies Tailgate Guide Teddy tells Asian Zing obviously equals how to best get super, super Lucy Liu in a Kung Fu Film. hammered. Frandor Plaza: Planned Parent- Party Pics & Shoutouts: Did your wacky Thursday hood, conveniently located night peep-show make it in? next to Weight Watchers.

13

Pages 8 & 9 The World Famous Bar Grid!

Get your drink on every day of the week, fo' real cheap.

Page 10

Page 11

Page 12

Page 14

Bartender of the Week Shawty is single and ready to mingle.

Calender of Events: No seriously, gluing on buttons totally rules.

Fall TV Guide The Puzzle We tell you what sucks and Solve it and you can win a what doesn’t. prize!

05 REASONs TO LIVE AT THE LODGES...

washer and dryer in every unit! because you can’t “GT” without the “L”

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319 EAST GRAND RIVER AVE EAST LANSING, MI 48823


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join the team! Think you belong on our elite staff? Can you make a good penis joke while taking down a beer bong? Are you good looking enough to hook up with an 8 or two 4's in any given night? Well hot damn, we might be looking for you. Hit us up at msu@theblacksheeponline.com and let us know what you'd want to do (even if your life goal is to hang out with Bailey, we might consider you).

Beer Tub Time Machine: Wak up 12 hours in the future e really confused... Tyler S r e n n i prize! eek's w

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Word of the week Breach of Chrontract:

Citadels Town

So Jetsons

Submit your own word! word@theblacksheeponline.com

Definition: When a weed dealer lies about the price or quality of the marijuana he’s selling. Sentence: “When Slade told the guy he was selling chronic but it was really schwag, he was in breach of chrontract."


04

From 'da Streets "If you could have any celebrities as your parents, whom would you pick?"

“Oprah and Gail as my mother and father.” Jess H., Senior

If B-Dubs Flavors Were Movies! ziev beresh wrote this Everyone loves the delicious God-touched taste of Buffalo Wild Wings. A plethora of sauce choices stand before every patron who enters this institution’s hallowed doors. Ranging from the weak sauce (Sweet BBQ) to the “Why? Oh god, why!?” spicy sauce (Blazin’), there truly is something for everybody. Since the flavors are so well devised, wouldn’t one naturally think that movies based off these flavors would be similarly delicious? Well, I did. Here’s what I came up with.

Caribbean Jerk Tyler Perry introduces a new character: Sunny Marley. Sunny is a Jamaican immigrant with a guitar who continuously comes up with songs that consist purely of “Yo mama” jokes. Through family, fun, and yes, food, Sunny learns the value of lyrics that don’t consist purely of “Yo mama” jokes and people are reminded as to why they hate Tyler Perry so much, yet again.

Parmesan Garlic Martin Scorsese directs this gangster flick starring Steve Buscemi as a cold-hearted killer with a penchant for cooking. Can he sell his secret sauce and get out of the mob racket? Watch to find out what kind of wacky work Buscemi got himself into!

Hot Megan Fox is queen of her campus in this college comedy romp. A 4.0, perfect hair, and an accessory Chihuahua make Fox the hottest girl in school. After her breakup with heartthrob Ryan Gosling, it’s up to engineering major and major nerd Daniel Radcliffe to find out what magic will seduce her in his newest non-Harry Potter role.

Honey BBQ Mariah Carey stars in this rom-com about a down-on-herluck barbecue chef who falls in love with the cranky IRS auditor that’s taking a closer look at her business. What wacky adventures will unfold? Well, we got three words for you: Dogs. Driving. Cars.

Wild In the wake of her death by overdose, this biographical documentary will examine the tragedy of Amy Winehouse’s life. The story will not shock anyone, just as nobody is shocked to find their lips burning after eating a wing coated in this sauce.

Medium Gwyneth Paltrow stars in a moderately spicy comedy about a sexually liberated woman who can communicate with the dead. Hilarity ensues as her deceased father, played by Harrison Ford, continually finds his way into her head…and her bedroom! “Honey, a fry cook? Really? You’re killing me again.”

Blazin’ Judd Apatow directs this funny flick about a modern day Bonnie and Clyde who act more like Cheech and Chong. Seth Rogan and Amy Poehler are the infamous couple who rob banks with both guns and doobies as they blaze the trail to buku bucks. You don’t want to miss this one!

Asian Zing Lucy Liu and the guy from Harold and Kumar, John Cho, team up for some Kung Fu action. In the streets of Chinatown, no one is safe from villain Gerard Butler’s gangster ring of poisonous fake Louis Vuitton and Rolexes. It’s up to trained martial arts vixen Liu and meek office clerk Cho to karate chop him into submission!

That’s all for now, folks. Keep your eyes peeled the next five to ten years to see if any of these movies hit the big screen! And if nothing else, hit up Buffalo Wild Wings and enjoy some of their chicken deliciousness as you come up with your own spicy spinoffs.

“Willie Nelson and Tina Fey.” Britt K., Junior

“Angelina Jolie and Jesus because I’d be hot and righteous.” Angela M., Junior


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michigan state Tailgate Guide As we finish up with these bullshit games against teams we’ve never heard of, our beloved Spartans are beginning to play schools that give out degrees that actually matter in the real world. Gone are the slop shows of Youngstown State and Florida Atlanta, on come the national media attention that Ohio $tate and scUM bring. With all this new attention, we must tailgate in fashion. We must flaunt our better looking women and our obnoxious assholes (i.e. guys). But who shall guide us to tailgate properly? It’s the guy who has blacked out for every game and learned that taking Viagra and ecstasy isn’t good for your heart. For my slower readers, that guy is me. Rule #1: Don’t wear white. I can already hear my not-so-intelligent readers saying, “But Teddy, white is one of our school’s colors.” Yeah, no shit, but guess what is not white? Franzia. And if you are at a decent tailgate with half its weight in Spartans, then a good game of Slap the Bag will be happening. For my freshmen readers, the goal of slap the bag is to guzzle as much

05 TEDDY baum cox wrote this

wine from the bag as possible. In all actuality, you typically only get four or five gulps before it douses your shirt and leaves a scary looking stain. If the shirt is green, you can usually still pull it off… but if it’s white, you look like a fucking idiot. I repeat, do not wear white. Rule 2: Get Some Pre-Tailgate Nutrition. Now that you’re dressed to impress, it’s time to get some fuel. If you’re a true tailgater and it’s a noon game, you should be getting up around four or five in the morning. This severely limits your options. If you are not pounding a fast food breakfast or gas station sandwiches/hot dogs then I don’t know what the hell you are doing. This is a tailgate, not a health club. Pound down the grease; I once read that it coats your stomach and helps you drink more. If you are looking for a more hardcore breakfast, do what I do, take an Adderall (or the cool version of Adderall: cocaine). It will save you calories and leave more room for beer. Rule #3: Learn to Puke and Rally. This is a critical skill for any veteran tailgater. If you’re going hard in the paint, you will eventually get a little queasy. The combination of moving quickly, early pre-game nutrition, and copious amounts of different and very cheap booze will make your tummy do flips. This means only one thing: barf time. Try to puke near a dumpster or preferably in a toilet, and if you are near alumni, make sure to puke extra loudly and throw a thumbs up sign just to show them you’re upholding their tradition. Once your insides are on the outside, remember that you just returned to a state of sobriety and must replace all that puke with more booze. All your work over the last few hours of boozing has now been wiped clean, and you need to make up for that. Last week’s loss to Notre Dame may be a sad sign that our football team isn’t everything it was expected to be this year. So, whatever we lack on the football field, we’ll have to make up for it in the parking lot. Get to work, Spartans.

Why frandor is the asshole of lansing Samantha Shaughnessy wrote this My fellow readers, prepare yourself because this is going to be a crazed rant of the overprivileged, inner JAP bitch variety. I hate Frandor. Maybe hate is a strong word. I loathe Frandor, yet I’m fascinated, shocked, and appalled at the same time. Without fail, whenever you enter Frandor, you cannot help but experience overwhelming feelings of anger and confusion. So much so, it makes you want to punch a puppy in the face. And I know I’m not alone in this statement because we’ve all been there. Truly, it’s a paradox; no matter how much you try to avoid this hellhole, everyone always ends up going there at least once a year. First off, let me start by saying Frandor is just a huge, poorly laid-out clusterfuck. It had to have been designed by some half-wit urban planner who was dropped on their fat head as a child. The way in which this place is mapped out literally makes no sense. Stores are placed in the middle of the parking lot, which is constantly layered with broken glass and broken dreams. It’s basically just a trash pit with a bunch of businesses piled on top. Within this giant concrete labyrinth, there are no rules. No one abides by the law; stop signs might as well not even exist. Trying to maneuver your car or, if you’re a regular, your motorized cart through Frandor is like a goddamn obstacle course. People are just begging to be hit and no one knows where the hell they’re going. The place is a black hole; you go in one entrance and wind up on the complete other side of town. No matter how many times you enter Frandor, you’ll always discover a different store that you’ll never want to step foot in…ever. More recently, the high-end fashion store Dots has opened, and I’m sure the place smells like trash. And then, there’s probably the dirtiest Kroger I’ve ever had the displeasure of buying nearly-rotten produce in. It’s comparable to L&L, which, mind you, went out of business and was covered in a layer of yellow dust. Even the Sears resembles an abandoned and most likely haunted abortion clinic. I mean the place has a Planned Parenthood between Weight Watchers and Frandor

Deli. Really, what is going on here, 2 ways to lose weight and one way to pack it back on? It’s like a corridor of fatness. And how can one forget the many colorful characters that you will meet, especially at the CATA bus stop. The local drug dealer who offers you coke right off the bat (because any kid who can afford college can afford to snort some blow right?), the gentleman with pants made entirely out of duct tape, the portly woman wearing the Hawaiian print mumu who beats her grandchild with her cane, and the overzealous paraplegic Vietnam vet who spews out angry gibberish about the government and his goat, Suzette. I can only imagine the creatures that are crawling around the Dress Barn… Frandor really should have a tagline to sum up its shit-show. Maybe something like “Frandor: Where Dreams Go to Die” or “Frandor: Where You Love to Hate to Shop” or “Frandor: Even We’re Confused.”


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SHOUT OUTS! Holly, whoever you are, you saved my assignment by leaving your computer logged in. Thank you!! - Your friendly design student Dear fellow studier: Turn your damn phone off speaker. Just found out my girl would dump me Sportscenter. I think I love her. Nick, if I get charged for sexual harassment because of you one more time, there will be blood. Emily Thanks for letting me fulfill my dream of becoming a point guard you should always bring a basketball to the bar - Dan Dane - There's shit all over your bathroom floor. Stop acting like you're too busy and stressed to clean it up. It's starting to scare the goldfish. To the girl who let me climb up your balcony to pet your bunny, next time make me leave through your front door my ass still hurts from thinking i could jump off your balcony and land on my feet -Bust Adam Anderson, stop being such a girl all the time! Sincerely, your best friend. Hey Zach, if you find a condom wrapper in your bed, that's because I banged my booty call on your bed. That should teach you to stop borrowing my scissors without asking first. Jackass.

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The Bar Grid

January 2010    

Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.  

THURSDAY: 4 - 8PM: Burger Bash! Half Off All Drinks, $1 Burgers, $1 Waffle Fries

Happy Hour Mon - Thurs 4pm – 8pm $3 Well Drinks $4 Tall Domestic Drafts $1 Off All Wines & All Appetizers

1/2 OFF Wednesday Half-off all food, ALL DAY!

1/2 Off Wednesday 1/2 Off Everything except premiums $3.99 Basket of Wings from 4pm-9pm

4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour Bar Pong Night! Win Cash & Prizes! 8pm – 2am $3 Double Wells, $4 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze

1/2 OFF Wednesday Half-off all food, ALL DAY!

$3 Domestic Lites $3 Wells

4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour $4.99 Burger Combo! 8pm – 2am $3 Double Wells $4 23oz Domestics $3 Two Choice, $2 Kamikaze

BURGERAMA! 3pm-9pm BURGERS $1.50

4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour FREE TACO BAR $3 Corona, Sol, Land Shark Bottles $2 Rolling Rock Bottles $4 Loaded Land Shark Bottles $4 Dirty Corona Bottles $3 Shot Of Well Tequila $3 Soco Limes

Friday Fish Fry $7.50 All you can eat fish fry!

4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour $4 Domestic Pitchers $1 Off All Wines, $2 Single Wells 8pm – 2am: $6 Mini Pitchers, $1 Off Beer $3 Vodka Bombs, $3 Soco Limes $3 Washington Apple

$4 Burgers and Fries 12pm-5pm

SUN, 9/25

Closed for Detroit Lions Football!

$3 Pints, Calls, and Bacardi Bombs $3 Bloody Mary’s and Mimosas $8 Burger & Fries with a Pint

$1 Off Beer $4 23oz Domestics Half Off Appetizers Bloody Mary Bar!

6:00pm - 10:00pm Taco Trio with drink purchase 3 beef tacos $2.75 3 chicken tacos $2.75

MON, 9/26

$5 Premium Pitchers $4.50 Labbatt's Pitchers $4 Domestic Pitchers

Moo Monday $3.99 Burger and Fries $2 Domestic Lites $2 Well Drinks

4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour $3 Well Drinks $4 Tall Domestic Drafts $1 Off All Wines & All Appetizers 8pm – 2am $3 Double Wells, $4 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze

Half-off all food, ALL DAY

TUES, 9/27

$2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, Rolling Rock Bottles $2.50 Call Drinks, SoCo Lime and Kamikazes! $3.50 Long Islands

WED, 9/28

$3 Domestic Pints $3 White Gummy Bear Shots $5 Doubles

SPECIAL NIGHT

WED, 9/21 THURS, 9/21 FRI, 9/23 SAT, 9/24

Giveaway Tuesday Wednesday  Thursday  Friday  Saturday  Daily Specials: Win great prizes every week!   31  1  2  Monday 9pm-Close After 8PM: $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors   DJ Beats (Front Bar)  DJ Beats (Front Bar)  Global Village   $2.50 - Pints $2 Domestic Lites DJ Minze (Back Bar)  DJ Minze (Back Bar)  $2.50 – Call DrinksRolling Rock Bottles Light, $2 Well drinks Tuesday 9pm-Close $2.50 Call Drinks, SoCo Lime and 6  7  8  9  $2.00 – Well Drinks           Islands DJ Beats (Front Bar)  DJ Beats (Front Bar)           The Whirly Birds   $3.00 –Kamikazes! Premium Drafts $3.50 Long   DJ Minze (Back Bar)  DJ Minze (Back Bar)     $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close 13  14  15  16  $2.00 – Domestic Drafts   DJ Beats (Front Bar)   DJ Beats (Front Bar)    $2.50 – Well Drinks DJ Minze (Back Bar)   DJ Minze (Back Bar)  The Ice Boxers  $3.00 – Bombs   Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints 20  21  22  23                      $2.50 – Call Drinks                     DJ Beats (Front Bar)  DJ Beats (Front Bar)  STAR FARM   Friday 9pm-Close    DJ Minze (Back Bar)   DJ Minze (Back Bar)  $3.50 – All Pints   $3.00 – Well Drinks Saturday 9pm-Close 4 - 8PM: Burger Bash! 27  28  29  30  $3.50 – All Pints           DJ Beats (Front Bar)  DJ Beats (Front Bar)                     Half Off All Drinks, $3.00 – Well Drinks   DJ Minze (Back Bar)   DJ Minze (Back Bar)                    DJ Beats   Sunday All Day $1 Burgers, $1 Waffle Fries $3.00 –Bloody Mary & Mimosas After 8PM: $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors $3.00 – Pints Light, Rolling     Bottles $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint Rock Every Day Call Drinks, SoCo $2.50   Lime and $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots      Islands Kamikazes! $3.50 Long Dublin Square Irish Pub $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs 327 Abbott Rd East Lansing MI 48823 9pm – Close Every Day

$3 Domestic Pints $3 White Gummy Bear Shots $5 Doubles

4 - 8PM: 1/2 Off All Drinks All you can eat nachos! After 8PM: $3 Jack Daniels,   All Pints andThursday! Drafts, SoCo Lime, *Ladies Night~ Every   and Kamikazes ½ Off – Potato Skins Hush Puppies & Onion Rings

$3.50 Captain Morgan $3.50 Flavored Vodkas $3 SoCo Lime and Kamikazes $3 Domestic Bottles

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$3.50 Domestic Lites $3.50 Wells

 

$3.50 Domestic Lites $3.50 Wells $4 Smirnoff Flavors

4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour Giveaway Tuesday Karaoke Night! Win great prizes every week! 8pm – 2am $2 Domestic Lites $3 Double Wells, $4 23oz Domestics $2 Well drinks $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze

1/2 Off Wednesday 1/2 Off Everything except premiums $3.99 Basket of Wings from 4pm-9pm

4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour Bar Pong Night! Win Cash & Prizes! 8pm – 2am $3 Double Wells, $4 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze

Taco Tuesday Taco Trio with drink purchase, ALL DAY!

1/2 OFF Wednesday Half-off all food, ALL DAY!


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HAPPY HOUR! Mon - Fri, 4-7 1/2 Off Drinks and Drafts

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Lunch combos starting at $6.99 served in 15 minutes or less! Tigers vs. Royals at 8PM!

Now we have sliders, chicken tenders and corn dogs! Sliders - $1.50 for single, $2.50 for double Chicken - 2 pc for $2.50, 3 pc for $3.50

SPECIAL NIGHT

Wipeout Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine

$2 Domestics 11 to 6pm $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am

WED, 9/21

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 55-cent boneless wings Tigers vs. Orioles at 7PM

Thirstygirl Thursday DJ EC3 – NO Cover $1.95 You Call It Wells, Calls & Beers

“Thirsty Thursday” 75 Cans of Faygo $1.75 Pints of Badass Beer $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am

THURS, 9/22

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Tigers vs. Orioles at 7pm. Enjoy $3 select appetizers starting at 9pm.

TGIF w/ X Generation $2.50 Pints & Bombs $2.50 Captain Drinks $2.50 Jack Drinks No Cover Before 9

Go Green! Go White! MSU vs. Central Michigan at Noon! Tigers vs. Orioles at 7pm

Football Saturday! $2 Breakfast Buffet $2 Bloody Marys $2 Screwdrivers Doors Open at 9AM!

Come Watch the Spartans at What Up Dawg! $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am

SAT, 9/24

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Lions vs. Minn at 1pm Tigers vs. Orioles at 1pm

SUNDAY SCHOOL NO Cover $1.75 Pints, 1/2 Off Pizza Until 7PM 1/2 Off Adult Beverages 7 - Close

$2 DOMESTICS ALL DAY $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am

SUN, 9/25

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close 55- cent boneless wings Monday Night Football + Tigers at 7pm!

Monday Night Football $3 Burgers Until 4PM $1.75 Pints $3.50 Pitchers No Cover

“Slider Specials” $1 singles/$2 doubles 100% ground angus (toppings extra)

MON, 9/26

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 45-cent traditional wings Tigers play at 7pm. Cheer on the Tigers while enjoying our specials!

Taco Tuesdays FREE Taco Buffet 7PM – 10PM $1.75 Wells $3.00 Well Doubles $2.50 Margaritas $8.50 Buckets of Coronas

Twos-day! 11am - 10:30pm 2 Special Coneys for $2 24oz Keystone for $2

TUES, 9/27

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Join us for FREE trivia starting at 10pm!

Wipeout Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine

(before 4pm)

Fry-Day

Buy one dawg and drink (soda/beer/ juice) and ask for a free small fry!

$1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am

FRI, 9/23

$1.50 Miller High Life - 10pm to 12am

$1.50 Miller High Life - 10pm to 12am

$2 Domestics 11 to 6pm $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am

WED, 9/28

We've got space for ONE more bar...who's it going to be???

The Bar Grid


10

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Bartenders of the

Week

Ellen gs in w d il w o Buffal

Age: 21 Major: Econ Relationship Status: Single and ready to mingle Nickname: Elly Belly and Shawty Describe yourself in three words: Fucking Super Awesome (contributed by her friend Mandy) if you could do anything to change the world what would you do?: Cure Cancer What’s your favorite movie?: A Night in Paris What’s your favorite band or musical artist?: Lady Gaga What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?: When I ordered a ton of food (like 80 dollars worth) and he forgot his wallet, so I had to pay for it. What’s the best date you’ve ever been on?: No one asks me out.

drinking game:

Electricity

Unlike having chemistry, having electricity with someone could be dangerous. But having electricity is pretty much necessary, as is drinking booze. What You Need: Cards and alcohol. Number of Players: Three or more. Intoxication Level: Like 300,000 volts of booze running through your body. How to Play: - Deal out the entire deck to everyone playing, and don’t look at the cards. - All players flip a card at the same time. Since it’s electricity, you are only concerned with your neighbor’s cards (the cards that are touching). For example, with 3 players all cards would be touching and with 4 players only the people to the left and right count. - Everyone flips over a card. If you match suit or card type with your neighbor, drink what the card says (face cards are 10). - If you match one neighbor with suit and the other with type, then double the total of both cards. Do not double if you match only suit or type on both sides; just add up both cards. The Game Ends When: You’ve gone through the whole deck, and you’re going to electrocute yourself any minute now.

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What are your turn-ons?: Big, erect wieners. What are your turn-offs?: Smokers If you could bang any celebrity who would it be?: Simon Cowell, but only if he wears stilettos. What’s the best or worst pickup line you’ve ever heard from a customer?: Are your parents terrorists? (long pause) Because you’re da bomb. What’s your biggest pet peeve?: People who chew with their mouths open. Where’s the craziest place you’ve ever hooked up?: Elevator What’s your best dating advice?: Stay single Any Shout-outs?: Holla to my main bitch Mandy, Katie King, Claire-Bear (who wants to get it in), and my favorite manager Glen.

recipe for disaster:

7 -Layer

Sundae

A sundae is delicious and you never want it to end. This one will end eventually, but not before the button on your jeans snaps off. What You’ll Need: Pie crust, pre-made cookie dough, hot fudge, Oreos, ice cream, whip cream, maraschino cherries. Cook Time: About 5 minutes. Fatty Factor: It starts with a pie crust and ends with colored bits of sugar. You think a fatty wouldn’t eat this?

Let’s Get Baked: - Get the pie crust out of its container. Place enough pre-made cookie dough to cover the bottom of the pie crust. Keep in mind that it’ll expand, just like your ass. - Stick that puppy in the microwave for 15-45 seconds, depending on how you like your cookies. If you like the soft, still slightly raw texture, 20 seconds should do. Be sure to not cook it too long or the edges of the cookie will get crunchy and weird. - Warm up the hot fudge and apply a layer onto the cookie. - Place entire Oreos as a layer onto the hot fudge. - Top the Oreos with a few scoops of ice cream. - Finish it off with generous scoops of whip cream and maraschino cherries. Of course, this sundae could easily become a 2-layer sundae (simply pie crust and Oreos!) or a 10-layer sundae, adding on top sprinkles, chopped chocolate covered peanuts, various candy pieces, and your clogged arteries. Stick this treat in the freezer for some extra deliciousness.


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MSU Calendar of Events Friday, September 23rd: The Dating Game 9 p.m., MSU Union Main Lounge Looking for that special someone? Come on out to the MSU Union to play UAB’s version of The Dating Game. From 9:00 – 9:30 p.m. mingle with other Spartans as you enjoy a UAB mocktail and live music from The Royce Phillips Jr. quartet! Then at 9:30 p.m. the classic game show starts! Participants will have a chance to win different date themed prize packages including DVDs, board games, movie passes and more! There will also be raffle prizes for the audience with a chance to win MSU football tickets! Why you should go: Aside from the prospect of getting a tasty mocktail (or ten!), there’s an opportunity to win PRIZES. If I can be frank with you guys, they had me at “special someone.” My god, I am lonely. I wonder if I can bring my cat…? How to spice things up: After you’ve been mingling with a member of the opposite sex for a few minutes, shout an obscenity like, “NO, I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU TUCK YOUR PENIS BETWEEN YOUR LEGS TO LOOK LIKE A WOMAN!” before you run out crying.

Tuesday, September 27th: All About Buttons Craft Night 7-9 p.m., One Union Square Food Court, MSU Union Get creative and make some buttons to wear or decorate your bulletin board. Print out your favorite band’s logo, pictures of your friends, or bring clippings from your favorite magazine to jazz ‘em up. Free while supplies last. Why you should go: Didn’t you read the description? We can jazz up our favorite magazines!! I didn’t know what that meant until last year’s button craft night… and to put it lightly, it blew my fucking mind. How to spice things up:Instead of bringing pictures of your friends and all of your favorite celebrities, bring pictures of buttons. Once you’ve finished making them, you can walk around handing them out to people saying, “Yodawg, I heard you liked buttons so I put a button on a button so you can look at this button while you button.”

Bailey Walsh wrote this Thursday, September 29th: Open Mic Night 8-11 p.m., MSU Union Main Lounge Have a talent? Want to share it? Enjoy listening to your friends perform? Open Mic Night is a chance for MSU students to showcase their talent. No sign up necessary; show up ready to perform or to be entertained! Why you should go: If you think American Idol is entertaining, you will love this garbage. Open mic night is THE place to go if you enjoy watching people making fools of themselves, magic tricks, or the sounds of crickets. How to spice things up: Find a friend to go with you, and get on stage about halfway through the event. While you strip down and get totally naked, have your friend get out their painting supplies while he/she quietly moans. Without ever muttering a word, you will undoubtedly make everyone in the room uncomfortable as you make them sit and watch your soft-core pornographic performance.

Well, there you have it—the most fun filled list of events on campus! And you guys thought school sponsored events were lame… shame on you! I hope to see all of you at these things. I’ll certainly be there. Naked.

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New Show Schizo:

Why (and Why not) to Tune in This Fall

The winds grow colder, the days get shorter, and the time has finally come where I can stop being judged for wasting entire summer days watching TV. Fall is here, and with it comes a bunch of new shows right to your picture box. Some will be awful, some will be great, but we will watch them all regardless. After all, we all like to escape into the world of TV because sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name (and doesn’t judge you for that weird face you make when you masturbate). So, now, and because I’m awesome, let me tell you what to watch and what not to watch this fall. By: Justin Gawel

New Girl Zooey Deschanel gets over a break-up by moving in with three guys. I’m sure hilarity does not ensue in this brainless anti-romp. In reality, she’d feel self-conscious about the break-up, bang one of the roommates for validation and self-esteem purposes, things would get awkward between everyone, and she’d move out by episode four much to the delight of the roomies. Either that or she’d leave after realizing that everything in their bathroom is covered in pubes, or when she walks in on one of them jackin’ it.

Dance Moms Yes, I know this show has been out for a few weeks now, but clearly, it is a work of genius. A beached whale of a woman teaches young girls to dance while the girls’ moms cause drama over nothing. Most of the time I don’t know whether to man the harpoons or keep laughing! These crazy moms once had dreams of being dancers and now are forcing their children to live those distant memories out for them. Sad? Yes, but in the same hilariously entertaining way that the show Maury is sad. Judge me if you want for giggling uncontrollably at these silly misguided twats, I don’t care-- I’ll be too busyj udging these broads for devoting their entire lives to an eight-year-old’s dance career. If anything, this show is a perfect model on how not to be a successful mom. Almost as perfect a model as justingawel.com.

Verdict: Don’t watch.

Seriously, the most successful parents know that kids don’t need dance lessons, or private school, or even love really. All kids really need is just a TV and someone to pay Comcast each month, right?

Judgment: Become obsessed with it.

Hart of Dixie A New York doctor moves to the American South and starts a practice. Wait, you’re telling me they actually practice medicine in the American South? I assumed everyone just read their Bible, hated on minorities, and prepared for a false apocalypse every few months. This show already doesn’t sound believable. Can’t we just have another show where celebrities fart on dogs for charity? Wait, you’re telling me that doesn’t exist? What the hell am I thinking of then?

Two Broke Girls How adorable, two girls struggle as waitresses in New York and hope to one day achieve their dream of running a cupcake shop! Ugh, I seriously want to barf all over a dead unicorn because of how disgustingly cheery that premise is. Instead, how about two broke(en) girls fight their heroin addiction while giving handjobs in a bus station somewhere in Iowa? It’ll be a laugh riot with all the witty banter about how many “needles” they’ve handled in a day.

Decision: Make me a show where celebrities fart on dogs for charity, but don’t watch this piece of trash.

Ruling: Don’t watch.

Angry Boys We have to wait until December, but I assure you this show will be greater that any Christmas present or Jew-Christmas present you receive this year. The dude who made Summer Heights High is back and about to drop some wicked truth on America about idiot children in Australia. If you like cross-dressing, blackface, and taunts like, “Is your mum’s heroin addiction when she was pregnant affecting your coordination?” then you will go apeshit for Angry Boys. Conclusion: Absolutely watch.


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Das Racist

the interview

Don’t worry guys, we didn’t interview the entity that is racism. Das Racist is a trio of multiethnic dudes from Brooklyn whose unconventional style has landed them on multiple “best of” lists and on the stages of dozens of high-profile music festivals. Their latest album Relax just dropped and they’re coming to a city near you...soon. We chatted with them about live performances, growing up, and ideal fast food combinations. TBS: You guys have a very energetic live show. Offstage are you guys pretty animated, or are you pretty mellow? Das Racist: Yeah, more than like your average moron-like manner. To be honest, the way I think about it – which I never have before you asked me about it – I guess when we started doing shows we would be drunk or high a lot, so that kind of energy was from something we were doing offstage. Now it’s not quite the case. It’s just something that I’ve gotten used to doing and it’s kind of the only way I know how to do something up there. So we’re doing a rap show, we don’t really have a guitar and keyboard and whatever, so, I mean, what are we going to do? Then we’re getting completely bored on stage, you know, standing around on a small area for 45 minutes to an hour. Like, you can imagine if whatever room you’re in right now I locked the doors and like, you just have to hang out for an hour. You know, and most people need something to do, and we don’t want to be boring and be completely wasting everybody’s time.

CD REVIEW

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Hysterical

TBS: You mentioned that you’d go on stage and be drunk or on some sort of drug. As you’ve taken this more seriously as a career, is that something that you’ve purposely toned down or are you just getting more mature? Das Racist: The way we started out, we’d sometimes do gigs for like $50 or it’d be for drink tickets. So when you’re doing a show for drink tickets, you’re obviously going to get drunk because they’re giving you drink tickets and no money. So I think being mature, maybe, I don’t know, that word kind of sounds ridiculous. It just got boring, you know what I mean? And also, if my job is to tour and I’m going to have to do five shows in a row while traveling and waking up at 6 in the morning, I can’t feasibly get fucked up every night because it wouldn’t fun anymore, it’d be impossible to wake up and not be in a terrible mood. Out Now be And it’s just boring: I’m like 26-years-old, what am I going to do, get fucked up in front of a bunch of 18, 19-year-old kids?

C-

Far from wanting to clap your hands or say yeah. A lot can happen in four years, we all know that. Your senior self shivers at the sight of a photo from cool freshman year - peace sign in one hand, a half-empty fifth in the other, and way, way too much barely-legal cleavage. Some of us get better with time while some unfortunately get worse, usually the ones who made a splash in their freshman dorms but four years later they’re far from graduating and already regaling their glory days from college. Ah, trag. Indie rockers and Brooklyn natives Clap Your Hands Say Yeah haven’t released an album in four years, and that wasn’t even their debut eponymous album that put them on the map. That 2005 self-released album got a 9.0 from Pitchfork, a “50 Most Important Recordings of the Decade” accolade from NPR, and countless other favorable reviews and awesome singles, but it’s been all downhill for the guys since. It seems as though these guys lost their enthusiasm – less screeching and excitement then years ago with more toned-down beats and lyrics, which is not what appealed listeners to CYHSY in the first place. Sure, bands changing their sound isn’t always a bad thing, but no matter how it turns out it’s always going to be a gamble. Though Hysterical isn’t exactly terrible, it just isn’t anything special. Alec Ounsworth’s unique vocals in the opening song “Same Mistake” screech of making the

UPCOMING RELEASES

same mistake, as if he is even questioning the success of this album. The album chugs along to poppy guitar and keyboards but fails to stand out. It’s easy to listen to this album and feel okay about it, but you’d hardly notice that it even ended. “Siesta (for Snake)” is the best on the album, as the slow, passionate singing has the most substance of all the songs on Hysterical. “Maniac” is one of the singles from the album, and so listlessly sounds like the rest that at least it keeps you on edge for something exciting to happen, but then you’re not even disappointed when nothing exciting comes of it. Even the lyrics are pessimistic: “I miss the way you stare at me as if I was a memory.” You can always wonder why a band with as much potential as these guys have failed to keep up to their own hype. Maybe they got too wrapped up in their initial success and have felt self-conscious ever since, or maybe getting pseudo-signed has gone to their heads, or maybe it was just dumb beginner’s luck. All I know is that if CYHSY wants to get back to the glory of their freshman year it’s going to take a hell of a lot more of a makeover than just hitting the gym five days a week. Download: Siesta (for Snake) Listen to it When: You need some decent background music.

>>>

Demi Lovato: Unbroken Gavin DeGraw: Sweeter Young Jeezy: TM 103: Hustlerz Ambition J. Cole: Cole World: The Sideline Story

VHS Or Beta: Diamonds & Death Wilco: The Whole Love Feist: Metals Misfits: The Devil's Rain

TBS: You guys get a lot of critical acclaim, from MTV, Spin, Rolling Stone, etc. Do you guys consider that at all when you’re making musical decisions? Das Racist: It is appreciated, but, you know, it’s not like “Whoa! This staff writer at Spin likes something we made!” it’s more like “Whoa, a lot of people buy Spin at the airport who have never heard of us,” you know? I mean, it’s always nice to hear nice things, whatever, but it’s not like we’re so “Oh, we’re going do what we’re going to do regardless!” Like, what else am I going to read, something about some other guy? I’d rather read about myself. Yeah, I definitely keep up and shit, but it’s not that big of a deal. TBS: So you guys have Relax, your new album that just came out. How does a group like you guys go about constructing a song? Das Racist: Well, I mean, we’ll first kind of write in the studio, sometimes someone will have some verses or parts of verses worked out and they’ll bring those in. It’s not a completely collaborative process. If you’re listening to it, the two guys don’t even sound very much alike, they don’t rap very similarly. So, it’s collaborative in that they usually record in the same studio and they record together a lot of the time, but other than that it’s not like coming in together with two notepads on their lap and a guy playing a beat and they’re listening to the beat… but that actually does happen a little bit. (laughs) I think it’s kind of two different processes going on at the same time, rather than like peeking over another person’s shoulder and see what they’re doing. TBS: What would be on your perfect sandwich? Das Racist: I don’t even like sandwiches that much. Bacon, avocado, cheese, tomato? On some sourdough bread. TBS: You guys have an album called Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. If you could combine any two fast food franchises, which would you choose? Das Racist: Maybe fuckin’ Panera Bread and Chipotle. Or In-N-Out Burger and Quiznos. TBS: Drink of choice? Das Racist: Water, and champagne.

brendan and jess wrote this


( class time )

The Great Word Hunt! 1) Are there aliens there? 2) This book shows some from religion 3) Someone shot him, right? 4) Screw you, Al Gore 5) Seems like an Royal inside job 6) Please, we never got there 7) Make this ship invisible! 8) Apparently they created AIDS 9) He is in St. Lucia, right? 10) In Canada, these make you horny 11) He had 50 people killed 12) He currently goes by John Burrows 13) Clearly this is real 14) They are a light-bulb cartel 15) The Communist control this 16) His manager got $2M when he died 17) The C.I.A. took out this guy 18) Where was he born?

Can you take a line from the left and match it with its pair on the right? Green M&Ms Barack Obama The Pheobus Family Elvis Jimi Hendrix Princess Diana Bob Marley The C.I.A. Water Fluoridation Tupac and/or Biggie Bill Clinton Pro Wrestling Philadelphia Experiment Landing on the Moon JFK Global Warming Area 51 DaVinci Code

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Bailey Walsh Advertising Manager Anthony Dostal Contributing Writers Alex Everard Andrew Fleming Cristina Toscano Frank Sorise Justin Gawel Lauryn Schroeder Leanne Johnson Samantha Shaughnessy Ziev Beresh Nick Palazzalo Alex Acton Billy Gardner photographer Jackie Cash

Distribution Annalise Stromsta (Manager) Anna Aiken (Helper) pr team Jessica Holli Chris Amrich campus director Brendan Bonham Founders Atish Doshi Brendan Bonham Questions?

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