The Black Sheep
F YOU REE... R L LIKE AU N M A DRY MA OVE DOIN RB G REA K.
Vol. 6, Issue 8
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
3/13/14 - 3/26/14
SEVEN UMN STUDENTS YOU’LL FIND ON CAMPUS DURING SPRING BREAK ALEXANDRA ADAMS WROTE THIS Ah, spring break. It’s a time for overpriced beach vaycays, mom finally doing your laundry again, impromptu road trips and for some, nothing at all. Here a UMN, the campus basically never shuts down, what with a student population that dwarfs many US towns. But with that comes the sad truth that many students will be on campus over spring break. They are an odd bunch certainly, but The Black Sheep, has a pretty good idea of which UMN kids you’ll find here over break. The workaholic: This UMN kid is either poor, addicted to her job, or both. Either way, this student is stuck for hours shoveling the Mall or toiling in a Caribou until finally getting a real degree and getting the eff out. And by “out” we mean “a boring white color office job,” maybe in the IDS tower or some BS. The frat boy: Why bother flying all the way from MSP to Cabo when you can just get drunk here instead? Plus, your brother told you in confidence that he’s terrified of airport security check points (probably due to a crippling homophobia and the whole “pat down” business). It’s far easier to stay home and drink. The stoner: What better is there to do in freezing, unbearable Minnesota than blaze it? According to these guys and gals, nothing. Hell, spring break is a stoner’s wet dream. A full week of literally no obligations? We’re surprised Hideaway on 4th isn’t packed already. Where else can you get a pipe in the shape of Bart Simpson or a pineapple-themed bong? Pizza Luce Seward and Mesa Pizza drivers, gird your loins. The straight-A student: We’re not saying stoners can’t be straight-A students, we’re just saying the crossover tends to be limited. Regardless, some students actually waste away break in an o-chem textbook or holed up in Walter. At the U there are hella competitive majors so this plan, while totally sucking tits, is a smart one. The gamer: It doesn’t matter at all where he is, just that he’s wearing a headset and swearing at strangers. Why bother going anywhere when there’s an Xbox in front of you? He sustains himself on Doritos, Mountain Dew, and kill counts. He’s very cool to the very select group of people he’s never met IRL. But it doesn’t matter. The gamer is happy. Poorly maintained in the hygiene department, but still happy.
The artist: Why go home when you can instead drown yourself in solitude and the occasional video chat with fellow weirdos across the world? The creator relishes all situations that may result in a crazy burst of inspiration, and being fairly alone on campus is certainly one of those. Also, vodka. The artist likes vodka.
during Welcome Week, he generally found himself either gulping beer in a corner or… nope. Just that. That was all. And he certainly does not want to go home. The only thing that annoys him more than everything else is his Minnesota Mom who pries “lovingly” into his nonexistent love life and forces upon him an eighth round of Hot Dish.
The loner: When it comes to socialization, the loner is down for the count. He absolutely refuses to go to any sort of party with more than ten people and maybe for good reason. When he used to try that back
It’s true. The UMN kids you’ll find on campus during spring break are a bit of a peculiar bunch. But when your school has 50,000 students, you’re bound to have some odd ones floating around.
PAGE 4
PAGE 5
PAGE 7
JUNIOR WALKS THROUGH DINKYTOWN SOBER
TOP 10: SEXY WAYS TO GET AROUND CAMPUS
COLORBLIND STUDENT INCESSANTLY PINCHING LOCALS
ONE GIRL WILL NEVER SEE DINKYTOWN THE SAME AGAIN.
WHEN IN DOUBT, GET A SEGWAY.
SHE INSISTS THEY’RE NOT WEARING GREEN, BUT… COME ON NOW.
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_UMN • theblacksheeponline.com