Minnesota - Issue 7 - 10/9/2014

Volume 7

The Black Sheep

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Issue 7

GOLDY GOES ON STRIKE

Sanford the Sloth Gets Called up to the Big Leagues Cora Neisen wrote this During Homecoming Week Goldy attends almost every single event.

But like thousands of fast food workers, Goldy recently decided that enough was enough. Long hours, sweaty costumes, and basic bitches taking hundreds of pictures with the caption “my mascot > your mascot” was all fuel to Goldy’s fire. “It’s really become too much for me to attend every event. I need time to eat Jack’s pizza in the nude while watching Game of Thrones just like every other college student,” Goldy told The Black Sheep in an exclusive interview.

Sources close to Goldy say he contacted the mascot union rep to learn about fair conditions. The union rep allegedly told Goldy that being required to attend every Homecoming event violates the Fair and Just Conditions for Mascots Act of 1993. After reporting the issue, he was still told to attend every single event because “the happiness of our students depends on an undergraduate in a rodent costume.”

“This is something that I believe in as strongly as I believe that Bucky Badger is Satan himself.”

With little support from Student Unions and Activities, Goldy decided to go on strike. He is demanding not only overtime wages, but also fewer required events, as well as an endless supply of Snack Packs. Sources say the university is not going to budge and Goldy is fed up enough to stand his ground. “This is something that I believe in as strongly as I believe that Bucky Badger is Satan himself and Dinkytown after 10p.m. on a Friday or Saturday is something that all people should experience in their life. I need this victory for my sanity,” he commented.

With all of this happening right before Homecoming, the university needed to take immediate action. They did what any institution would have done—they recruited from the Mascot Minor League.

While many don’t know it exists, the MML is a highly competitive league with aspiring mascots. MML mascots include Sparky the Snow Pea, Molly the Meerkat, and Arnie the Armadillo. For various reasons, these determined individuals have yet to be picked up by a sports team or school. However, they’re available for smaller events such as birthday parties, family reunions, and anniversaries for contrived couples.

After deciding to find a replacement mascot in the MML, the university allegedly held a tryout for all MML mascots. The competitors partook in a long, grueling day of Segway races through the mall, picture competitions, enthusiastically-delivered high-five judging, and classes about how to convey emotion through hand movements. Ted the Tug Boat took an early lead, but Sanford the Sloth had a crucial win during the touchdown pushup contest, and that win really propelled him forward to his ultimate victory. “I got off to a slow start, but this is something I’ve wanted since Etnies were cool, so I brought out my A-game,” Sanford told The Black Sheep.

The transition between the two mascots is all happening very quickly, so students are urged to be patient with Sanford. It’s not known whether Sanford will be able to deliver the endearing, yet enthralling enthusiasm that Goldy is king of, but his dedication to this school is indisputable. “I will put my heart and soul into this job and the students can rest assured that there will indeed be a voiceless animal in an oversized suit at ALL Homecoming events,” Sanford stated.

Goldy declined to comment on the fact that the university so promptly found a replacement.

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PAGES 12-13

TOP 10: FANCY THINGS THAT AREN’T IGGY AZALEA

ENGINEERING STUDENTS BEGIN SEMIANNUAL MATING RITUAL

NEWS HAPPENING SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD TODAY, PROBABLY

BUT YOU ALREADY KNOW.

THE ONE GIRL IN CLASS IS IN FOR A RUDEAWAKENING.

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BEAT OUR CAPTION!

TO KILL SOME TIME.

THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!

THE WAYWARD WAYNE “Finally, we can be together,” Karen whispered to Brian, moments after the Space Supreme Court struck down laws banning inter-Kingdom marriages.

Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

WORD of the WEEK

REMARKETABLE Anything sold purely because of its nostalgic value.

Lenny paid a handsome $35 for a remarketable Saved by the Bell t-shirt—the show came out before he was even born.

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is.

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Is considered an expert on sneakers.

2

Recently lost 75 pounds.

3

Began working at a pawn shop at age 21.

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THE IGGY IGGS

With homecoming excitement abuzz, students have been work, work-work-work, working on their shit so that they can lose their minds at the much-anticipated homecoming concert. When SUA revealed that Iggy Azalea and Walk the Moon would be topping off Homecoming Week, Twitter suffered a cardiac arrest. The tickets sold out within just a few days, and attendees have big plans for I-G-G-Y.

Big Biscuit wrote this

“We’ve been tweeting at her every day since the announcement that she should party with us,” says dedicated FIJI brother Dalton Wendell. “It would be legendary to rage with Iggy during homecoming.

Although I’m not gonna lie, if it were Ariana Grande, I’d choose her over Iggy in a heartbeat… But don’t write that!”

Rampant Illness Infecting UMN Students

With the growing excitement, students have been spreading rumors about seeing the fancy Australian gallivanting across campus.

“I swear I saw Iggy walking around Northrop while I was giving lessons in physics,” civil engineering major Frank Hernandez says. “The kid who I was tutoring was like, ‘who dat, who dat?’ She was wearing galaxy print leggings, a leather crop top, and was uh… quite endowed. I mean, she looked like every other exceptionally tall blonde who just left a costume shop, but I know it was her.”

Hernandez is one of the many UMN students reporting Iggy Azalea hallucinations during homecoming week.

At first the Iggy sightings seemed to be innocent wishful thinking that the pop star might actually want to hang out with a bunch of Minnesotans. But now, the apparent Iggy obsession is raising concerns with the University Mental Health Department.

“First things first, we’ve never seen anything like this before. The amount of students experiencing Iggy

Azalea hallucinations has rapidly increased,” according to Boynton’s Director of Public Health. “We are concerned that this ‘Iggy Azalea hype’ might actually become an epidemic amongst students. Students from L.A. to Tokyo are getting worked up about Ebola when they need to be worried about potential health risks that are much more local,” he added.

The newly discovered illness has officially been titled the “Iggy Iggs.” Aside from students having hallucinations of Iggy Azalea, other symptoms include: speaking in a hybrid hood/Australian dialect, poorly reciting Iggy Azalea verses, spontaneous uncontrollable twerking, trashing the hotels, getting drunk on the minibars, chandelier swinging, and accidently leaking their nudes. Students who are bitten by black widows are much more susceptible to contracting the virus. Iggy Iggs is also very contagious, especially when KDWB 101.3 is playing the Top 40 in the dining halls.

Boynton is now having extended hours in the Gopher Quick Clinic. If you are experiencing frequent Iggy Azalea hallucinations, or any of these other symptoms, you’re advised to check yo’self. If you’re diagnosed with Iggy Iggs, don’t worry; it’s no murda business.

However, it’s important to take the proper steps to treat yourself. This includes removing Iggy Azalea from your party playlist, and deleting the word “fancy” from your vocabulary. Doctors also recommend listening to Walk the Moon instead, in order to protect yourself from contracting the Iggs virus.

Although the sudden epidemic during homecoming week is overwhelming, the Golden Gophers will persevere. If UMN students can survive a Minnesota winter, they can survive Iggy Iggs. Nonetheless, we’ll certainly have one less problem once the homecoming concert is over.

CAMPUS NEWS

THE TOP TEN

Fancy Things

That Aren’t Iggy Azalea It’s homecoming week here at the U and everyone’s looking forward to the one, the only, Iggy Azalea. Why wouldn’t we be? She’s freakin’ fancy. But she’s not the only thing that falls into that category. Here’s a list of things that are fancy that aren’t Iggy Azalea.

10.) The iPhone 6: EXTREMELY fancy. Bigger truly is better when it comes to this bad boy. It’s also thinner than ever, so thin in fact, that people have reported that it bends if they put it in their pocket.

Just another thing to tack that onto the “things that bend in skinny skins” list. Here’s lookin’ at you, boners.

9.) Not Having Ebola: Even doctors are getting it, so basically none of us are safe. Doctors are supposed to be immune to diseases, right? That’s their superpower. That’s their thing. So, don’t talk to anyone, don’t shake hands, and don’t leave your house because Ebola is right around the corner.

8.) George Clooney: It finally happened. That grey fox got hitched. Probably wore a suit. Suits are fancy. You go GC. He was supposed to be the eternal bachelor. Now that he’s hitched, thousands of people are heartbroken and you just see more middle-aged women crying at E! News.

Fraternities to Remove Doors for Homecoming Walk of Shame Aron Wolde wrote this Homecoming weekend is approaching, and with it comes the drunken debauchery that we’ve heard about our entire lives from movies and the media. That means beers, music, yelling, nudity, and the consequences of these tremendous actions. This year, many young men and women are attempting to alleviate the greatest problem found during welcome week: the walk of shame.

Historically, Gophers have partied so hard that when they awaken the next day they find themselves with a hangover and a stranger in their bed. The walk of shame is a rite of passage that entails the gathering of underwear, abandoning of socks, and swallowing of pride. This nightmare is only perpetuated when you have to figure a way out of the one night stand’s home. Often you’re still drunk from the previous night, incapable of understanding doorknobs, or unable to comprehend the directions of an also drunk roommate. It’s a mess for everyone involved. So in order to help solve this problem, many local fraternities have opted to remove all their doors.

Chapter president of Sigma Delta Beta, Alan Frost, was the first to jump on the movement.

“I had been hearing about problems with this for years. At SDB we’ve tried almost everything to make sure this stops happening, but nothings seems to work,” Frost explains. So far the frat has tried giving out maps, painting paths on the floors, and even making pledges become “inebriation liaisons,” but none of these solutions have helped. “After months of deliberating we decided to just get rid of the doors.”

Frost’s plan was initially mocked in the fraternity community, but many sororities have come out in support of the cause. Gappa Pink Lamda and Omega Blonde Double-D are two particularly enthusiastic supporters. Marsha Handy, head of Gappa Pink Lamda, had this to say:

“We have some of the smartest girls on campus, but come 8 a.m. every Saturday, we have cavalcades of them getting lost or injured during the two-block walk they take to get home.”

Smaller fraternities don’t very well see the problem in keeping doors in their homes. Epsilon Epsilon Lambda hasn’t done anything to fix this inherent problem. Although, to be fair, Epsilon Epsilon Lambda is a pharmacy frat. So people aren’t having much of a problem getting out of there.

7.) Scotland: It was a good go. It really was. It’s even still got us buzzin’. But after that last season of Downton Abbey, who can blame them for being hesitant to leave the UK. That shit was BBC’s finest.

6.) Parades: It’s homecoming week and the parade is one of the fanciest activities on campus. For real. Free candy? It’s like early Halloween. Dust off that old Hocus Pocus videotape, carve some phallic symbols into pumpkins, and dress up like a cracked-out vampire because nothing gets you in the Halloween mood quite like free parade candy. Bring it on.

5.) October: This month is incredibly fancy. Countless tweets have been dedicated to the month of October. And it deserves it. Sweaters, lattes, and bonfires? That sounds like a recipe for some retweets.

4.) Liquor Stores: Homecoming week pimps out liquor stores. Liquor stores are like candy stores, but for adults. The best way to make money during homecoming week is by running (whether legally or illegally) a liquor store. Or being Iggy Azalea. BUT THIS LIST ISN’T ABOUT HER, OKAY? 3.) College Football: The NFL has been in some trouble recently with all the scandals, so look no further than college football for all your sporting needs. You’ll find everything you could ever be looking for in a sporting event at the homecoming game. Overalls! Goldy! Your lab partner Steve! Overalls!

Chanting! Corndogs! Overalls! Everclear mixed with Sprite! Overalls! Oh yeah… and the game itself.

Seriously, if those maroon and gold overalls aren’t fancy, we don’t know what is. Ski-U-Mah.

For bigger, more popular frats like Sigma Delta Beta, Frost had a plan that worked in two ways.

The first is by removing the doors for every recipient that is attempting to exit a room. They won’t find any problems in actually moving past the door. The drunken fidgeting with a knob and lock will finally be over. The second is that by removing the doors, people will instantly be able to know which rooms are bedrooms and which ones are not. Initially the second reason didn’t seem all that necessary, but Frost explained that it was the best way to stop any incoming “Amandas.”“They really ruin the whole vibe of the place.

Makes it really hard to sleep one off, ya know?”

An “Amanda” is the name given to a person accidentally prowling a house looking for an exit.

When one enters a bedroom looking for an exit and finds a sleeping brother, the brother usually screams something along the lines of “Get out, Amanda!”, “It’s the freaking left door, Amanda!”, “No I won’t cuddle, Amanda!” the list goes on.

Frost plans to keep removing doors out of the frat until homecoming week is over. “Without bedroom doors we’re seeing a few too many sausages without the buns, if you know what I mean.”

We know what he means.

2.) Walk the Moon: This band is hella fancy. They’ll surely rock the homecoming concert. Many people have reported they are, “only going to the homecoming concert for Walk the Moon.” Sure, they may be saying that only to try to impress their DJ friends, but hey, you gotta impress your DJ friends somehow.

1.) The University of Minnesota: This place swells with school pride over homecoming week and that’s pretty fancy. So, go to the events, eat the free food, and get a picture with Goldy. This is your chance to show your school spirit in any way you like. It’s like The Purge of school spirit. Anything goes. You can paint your body maroon and yellow then graffiti a penis on a car with an Iowa license plate. So, start telling everyone, “I’m so fancy” because it’s homecoming week. And first thing’s first, it’s the realest.

Annie Cameron wrote this

PARTY PICS!

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS What piece of media would benefit most from replacing one word with “ass,” and what does it turn into?

BRAD, SOPHOMORE “A parody of Modern Family: Ass Family.”

CHRIS, SOPHOMORE “127 Asses for 127 Hours.”

ERIKA, JUNIOR “I want to ruin a rom-com. How about The Assbook instead of The Notebook?”

06

NERD LIFE PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Engineering Students Begin

Semiannual Mating Ritual Around Class Female Staff wrote this Following a traditional one-month period of preparation, new reports say the males of CSCI4921 have begun the semesterlong mating ritual surrounding the one girl in the class.

“There’s something wrong with my code,” said Allison Winkfield, senior and prized female, during the weekly ceremony known as lab. Almost immediately, say sources with knowledge of the event, a young brave known as Ryan began his display of strength and intelligence, effortlessly gliding over in his chair and leaning over her, demonstrating both poise and wisdom as he began checking her work.

“What’s the problem,” said Dan McHale, the eldest super-senior in the tribe, putting his arm over the back of Winkfield’s chair.

“What Dan has done here is a common mating technique used by the Engineer,”

said UMN anthropology professor Sarah Robinson. “By responding second and asking vague questions, he now has a laidback appeal used to appear calmer and cooler than the rest of the males. However, he is only able to employ a ‘hover-hand,’ in which his arm hangs slightly above the back of her chair, resulting in a very awkward display of masculinity. This may be related to his presence in a 400-level computer science class.”

Reports confirm that senior Elliot Eisenberg then leaned over Winkfield’s shoulder and immediately began typing.

“Eisenberg hopes to establish a close physical proximity by doing this, as well as get her acclimated to his scent, which is a mix of bar soap and no deodorant,” Robinson added. “He also hopes that by not saying anything, he can come across as an enigmatic genius, like the wandering samurai who speaks to no one and saves the barley farmers. This is

due to a long manga phase throughout his teenage years, as well as being too nervous to talk to girls.”

As more potential mates entered the bids became more desperate, and the suitors had to make do with little room.

Junior Michael Achebe reportedly decided to employ his often unsuccessful technique of bending over her monitor and attempting to read her coding upside-down to look for syntax errors.

“Achebe here acts in a way that us foreigners might think strange. Well, the other tribesmen think it’s strange, too,” Robinson commented. “By attempting to read upside down, he provides an uncomfortable display of intelligence. It is not only physically uncomfortable for him, but also socially uncomfortable for everyone who has to watch it happen.”

Despite the space being tight, another contender named Ian Rosenblatt entered the lusty, futile contest. Using his five-

foot, six-inch, 125-pound build to his advantage, Rosenblatt sprang up from under the table between Winkfield’s legs, holding a ten-inch laptop with his own correctly inputted code.

“Rosenblatt’s introduction started what is referred to anthropologically as a ‘feeding frenzy,’ in which each Engineer feeds off the testosterone of the other,” Robinson said.

Sources say the students then stood on the tables, tearing off their shirts and exposing abdominal muscles only visible because of their skinny frames. In order to reestablish himself as the alpha male,

Ryan started fighting off other warriors with a keyboard and strangling them with the USB cable. The TA, in an act of male dominance, covered his face in chalk warpaint and performed a traditional mating dance of strength and masculinity, in which he does sit-ups with his testicles exposed.

This large hoopla came to a quick halt, however, as Allison added a missing rightparenthesis, fixing the issue. Having not won a mate, the men hung their heads and awaited leaving, reportedly so they could go back to their huts to hone their mating skills and furiously masturbate.

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ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO.5 ou 4

1) World Geography: Mont Blanc is the highest mountain in this mountain range.

6) Religion: What is the Catholic prayer “Ave Maria” more commonly known as?

2) Video Games: What handheld game device launched with Tetris and Super Mario Land?

7) Fashion: In women’s fashion, what is the smallest dress size available?

3) Poetry: What poetic form is recognizable by its lack of consistent meter, pattern or rhyme?

4) Senses: What sense is primarily influenced by your olfactory nerve?

5) Chain Restaurants: Yum! Brands restaurants own and operate three national restaurant chains. Name two.

NATALIE, POLITICAL SCIENCE AND SPANISH SOPHOMORE

THE DRINKING GAME

SMACK THE BARTENDER Look at that arrogant buttface, sitting over there behind the bar atop his little throne, counting his tips, and acting like he owns the place. It’s time to show him what’s up. You’re the king of this bar, not him. Or maybe you’re just really drunk. Who cares? Dude, you can totally take him.

What You’ll Need: A strong hand and a weak bartender.

Number of players: Just you, the bartender, and whoever is in your way.

Level of intoxication: Enough to slap the bartender. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

8) US History: What was the 50th state admitted to the Union?

9) Drugs: What street drug shares similarities to, and is a derivative of morphine?

10) Cartoons: What long-running show will see crossovers with both Futurama and Family Guy in its upcoming season?

Natalie’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Alps 2) N64 3) Slam Poetry 4) Smell 5) Wendy’s, KFC 6) Maria the Bird 7) 0 8) Hawaii 9) MDMA 10) American Dad

1) Alps 2) Game Boy 3) Free verse 4) Smell 5) Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, KFC 6) Hail Mary 7) 0 8) Hawaii 9) Heroin 10) The Simpsons

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

FRIED McDOUBLE Alright, it’s time to polish the turd. You’ve ordered a McDouble and have the instant regret of filling your body with 90% grease and 10% loss of self-respect. It’s time to double the McDouble and fry that bad boy like it’s never been fried before – because it hasn’t. You’re a health-hazard revolutionary. You’re a savior. You’re the first person to fry and try a McDouble.

What You’ll Need: $1 and some loose change because of tax (thanks, Obama), patience, minimal athletic skill, the will to discover what’s on the other side of life.

Fatty Factor: You’ve already walked inside a McDonald’s, what do you care?

How to play: - Start drinking with your friends at home, then go out.

- Get to the bar and hone in on your desired target.

- Stare the bartender down from across the bar, make sure he knows you’re on to him.

- With every move he makes, counteract with a disruptive bar tactic (yelling, smashing glass). You need to prove your dominance as the alpha drunk and let him know who’s boss.

- Approach the bar with caution (he may be on to you with all the yelling).

- Whisper your drink order so he leans in close.

- When he leans in close, whisper “I GOTCH’YA” into his ear.

- SLAP HIM IN THE FUCKING FACE.

Let’s Get Baked: - Suffer through the shit storm that is McDonald’s customer service and order a McDouble.

- If you’re lucky enough to receive what you’ve ordered, remove the paper wrapping.

- Yell in a foreign language and hop over the customer service desk.

- Approach the fry cook and confiscate their uniform.

- Now you’re in disguise. Toss your McDouble into the fryer and wait 90 seconds until it’s done.

- Pour as much salt as possible on your McDouble and eat in one bite while you run away from the restaurant manager.

- Shit in the restaurant lobby and demand a free coupon.

The Game Ends When: You slap the bartender in the face and run away as fast as you can. Combine this game with the fried McDouble recipe for maximum marathon training.

Now that you’ve mastered a regular visit at McDonald’s, check up next week when we make a shake out of a 20-piece McNugget.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

BLACK SHEEP ORIGINAL REPORTING

News Happening Somewhere in the World Today, Probably Paul Mooney wrote this Many different news happened with all the different people in all the different countries today. In one country, there was the president who wasn’t a good president because he didn’t represent the people the way they wanted, and now all the people are in the streets because they are angry. A lot of times people are in the streets because they are angry and poor. Because the people are angry and out in the streets, the president has to respond to them in one of two ways: democracy or tear gas. Usually it’s tear gas, but this time it might be democracy. But it will probably be tear gas.

Money was spent; a lot of it, too! Some people spent a lot, because they have a lot so they can; but some people spent a little, because they only had a little so that’s all they could. In general, people are spending less because other people were spending less because they had less money, because other people weren’t spending, so everyone has less money, but now people might start spending more money so the people with a little money have a little more money to spend on things they need and the people with a lot of money have a whole lot more money to spend on houses and dog outfits and to throw at people dancing on big boats.

A lot of people make laws. But some lawmakers make it so that no laws are made, and they make it hard for lawmakers who want to make lawmaking happen. These lawmakers make statements about the other lawmakers, like “they make laws that make things bad and they should not make laws anymore because they make me unhappy and we should make them not make laws anymore,” and the other lawmakers respond, “we should make those lawmakers not make laws anymore, because they just want to make people who make money make more money.” Then the original lawmakers say “those other lawmakers are trying to keep people from making money and that makes everyone unhappy so we don’t want to make the laws those lawmakers want to make,” so the lawmakers take a longer time to make the laws.

Someone was probably shot today. People are shot on most days.

There was probably someone who wanted drugs and someone else who sold them, but they didn’t get along so they shot each other.

Maybe they did get along, but they were caught by the police and the policemen shot them because they were breaking the law. Maybe they did nothing wrong and they still got shot. A lot of people do bad things; a lot of people get shot too.

One mean policeman is on trial for shooting someone who did nothing bad. “Obligatory semi-apologetic statement,” said the man in charge of all the mean and nice policemen, “uncertainty of how at-fault the police department is, covered by promise of justice and bureaucratic handling of unfortunate statement. Regret over unsolvable scenario; tepid hope for improving structural issue,” he continued.

The new phone was introduced today. This phone is a lot like all the other phones, but this one is better because it is a little faster.

It is also a little bigger. People like bigger phones, except for when everyone wanted smaller phones. But now, the big phones make people happy so everyone wants to buy the big phone.

The fat people with curly hair made another movie. Most of the movies are about doing drugs and then doing something else; this movie was the same, but the “something else” was different from the other movies so everyone wanted to see it. The people in the audience laughed when they saw it.

“Hahahahaha,” they said when the fat man with curly hair smoked the drugs.

“Tee hee hee,” they said when the other fat man got hit in the testicles.

The sports happened today. Many people hit the balls to score points for their teams. A lot of games were played between teams that were named after animals; only half the teams won. Sometimes the people had names that other people liked like D’Brickashaw, or D’Cardio, or Darnell, or D’Arnell, or De’Asian, Doop-Boop, Doo-Wop, Deep-Sca-Dop-A-Dop, Deedly-Beedly, or Ding-Bong-ADong. Other times they had names like Jason and Michael.

People are getting sick. People always get sick, but this time it’s worse.

Sometimes when people get sick they sneeze and then snot comes out of them really fast. When they get a little more sick, undigested food or liquidy poop comes out of them really fast. The liquidy poop smells bad and makes more un-

digested food come out of them, and they feel even sicker, but then even more liquidy poop comes out of them and they are very sad. This time, blood is coming out of everywhere really fast from people’s bodies, and that’s about the worst thing that can come out of people when they’re sick. A lot of people have this in a place where they can’t really get help, and it’s very easy for people to get sick when they’re around other sick people, which makes the whole situation a whole lot worse, and everyone is a whole lot more sad.

Everyone farted today. Seven billion people farted at least twice, with an average of four times. Yawns went up 5%, and people blinked a number of times that’s represented by a two followed by fourteen zeros. Everyone peed, too. 66% went in toilets. 32% went on the ground. 1.5% went in pants. .4% went in pools and the ocean, .08% went in a water bottle, and .0000004% landed in someone’s open mouth.

Someone special also died. A lot of people died, but this person was a very special. He was born into a normal household/ he was destined to stardom. He got his big break when he was only seventeen/twenty-four/eight-years-old in the sitcom/movie/custody case that everyone saw and loved. He continued to make more movies/television shows/tabloid headlines about addiction for many years. Anyway, he had cancer/overdosed/killed himself/was killed by somebody else. Everyone was very sad, because his movies are very funny and he was a very nice person to the public. His friends mourned his death with a huge funeral that all the movie people get, and his fans mourned his death with television marathons, which is probably the best way you can remember someone who is most closely known for things that go on televisions.

That’s some of the news today. There will be a lot more tomorrow! The news tomorrow will be a lot different from today, because the news is always different everyday. Sometimes similar news happens, but it’s always a little different, which is why the people still read the news. Some people don’t read the news, so they don’t know all the little different particulars of the things that happen everyday. But now you do. For today, at least.

THE BACK PAGE

THE BACK PAGE

THE SIMPSONS CROSSWORD ACROSS: 3) The owner of the Kwik-E-Mart, last name.

7) The twins in Bart’s class, with purple hair and pale skin.

11) The family’s pet cats.

13) The family’s pet dog is whose Little Helper?

14) Skinner 15) The spokes-mascot for Duff Beer.

DOWN: 1) The Sunday School teacher, Ms. What?

2) The youngest of the Simpsons.

4) Ned Flanders’s deceased wife.

5) The cool elementary school bus driver.

6) Sideshow Bob’s Italian wife.

7) The last name of the owner of Moe’s Tavern.

8) The cartoon cat and mouse, two words.

9) Springfield Chief of Police, two words.

10) Mr. Burn’s personal assistant.

11) The town The Simpsons takes place in.

12) Lisa’s instrument of choice.

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