The Black Sheep
FRO FREE! M T LIKE HE ICE CATCH BUC ING KET A C CHA OLD LLE NGE .
Volume 7
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 1
Freshman Gopher Sheds Freshmen Lanyard Cora Neisen wrote this
At approximately 10:09p.m. on August 28th, Brian Weston did the most badass thing he’s done since that one time in 2011 when he let Carol Goldberg take a puff of his inhaler before 6th period. Sources close to Weston say he began developing a new-found sense of courage during Welcome Week, presumably giving him the idea to remove his freshman lanyard. It has been speculated that his reckless behavior began when he stole one apple from Centennial Dining Hall on the morning of the 28th. A friend of Weston’s told The Black Sheep that Weston felt “elated” after the incident, and thereby decided to “tear shit up” during the remaining days of Welcome Week. It’s rumored that the following night ended with him vomiting all over his New Balance shoes after he asked if Mesa took Flex Dine. A witness of what will now be known as the “Lanyard Removal Incident of 2014” said that seeing him take off that “necklace of shame” was inspiring for the entire Class of 2018. Bystanders reported that Weston was standing in the bike lane on the north side of The Bridge taking selfies with the skyline in the background when he felt a sudden urge to hurl the lanyard over the side of The Bridge. “I didn’t even really question doing it,” Weston told The Black Sheep after signing autographs outside Middlebrook Hall. “Once the thought occurred to me, I just did it. You know how people say that in the moment, courage just comes to you? I would totally agree with that. It was kinda like when moms lift cars off of their babies in crunch time. I knew it had to be done and I just did it.” He declined to comment on the fact that immediately after throwing his lanyard off the bridge, he was run over by a man on a Fuji and proceeded to army crawl over to the walking lane. While Weston feels empowered, his parents worry this is the beginning of a nasty downward spiral. “First he stopped texting when he safely arrived to all the Welcome Week activities, and now this,” his mother commented. “I knew all those liberals in that big city would do this to him! If this behavior persists, his father and I will have to consider taking him out of school and installing a GPS tracking device in his forearm. I mean before you know it, my precious son is going to be smoking the marijuana and wearing a Support Obamacare button.” “It’s really scary when your son calls home saying he has taken off his freshman lanyard. It just isn’t something a parent wants to hear
PAGE 5 CAMPUS BRACES FOR FRESHMEN TRYING TO PROVE THEY CAN DRINK HANG TIGHT, UPPERCLASSMEN, THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
right after move-in,” Weston’s father added. “It really makes you question public schools, and the left-wing propaganda students are being force-fed. We’re definitely more reluctant to allow our younger children to look at state schools for college after hearing of Brian’s alarming escapade.” Sources say that a “spiral to hell” isn’t out of the question, but very
rare, much like finding Rick Santorum and Elton John casually having a beer in Big Ten. “Eventually he will come to terms with the fact that anything more badass than skipping a Psych 1001 lecture and watching it online would cause him to wet his Battlestar Galactica boxers,” his roommate told The Black Sheep. Weston also denied the accusations that he’s beginning a vicious cycle, but did add that he’s toying with the idea of crossing Washington without a walk sign.
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PAGES 12-13
ARE YOU SMARTER THAN?
WHAT DOES YOUR TAILGATING BEVERAGE SAY ABOUT YOU?
JAMES OF BURRITO LOCO KNOWS WHERE IGGY AZALEA HAILS FROM. DO YOU?
DON’T FEEL SELF-CONSCIOUS BUT, YES, WE’RE JUDGING YOU.
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