Volume 7
The Black Sheep
Chi Free! L pot ike le, i the t’s s uch lemon a ni s at ce t ouc h!
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 14
It’s Icy Death Trap Season at The U Aron Wolde wrote this It is now officially Icy Death Trap Season at the U. If you plan on moving on the ground this winter then you should be terrified. Every outside surface of our campus is covered in a thin, undetectable, and almost impossibly slippery layer of ice. This means our campus is no longer a haven for learning, but a massive concussion factory. Never fear, The Black Sheep is here to warn you in advance of the most treacherous icy death traps on campus. Watch yo’ self. The Washington Avenue Bridge: While most students prefer to walk outside during the day, many opt out come November. Instead, students with wet feet and poor balance hope for the best on the walkway on top of the bridge. To make matters worse, the walkway has astounding acoustics, so no matter where you fall, people will hear you scream. The Stairs Down to Moos: Somewhere in hell is the crazed architect responsible for the stairs down to Moos. This steep flight of polished stone steps is somehow constantly wet and has a magical layer of ice over the edge of each step. Some say people at Moos set this up just so students would fall down in hilarious cartoonish fashion. Every winter these steps turn the simple task of entering the building into an episode of Fear Factor. Oddly the stairs come with rails that are even colder and more slippery than Frosty the Snowman’s balls. Anywhere the Green Line Goes: The Green Line tracks are always covered in compact snow and ice. This is ordinary in Minnesota, but because the tracks often double as ordinary streets to walk across, they become a bloody disaster waiting to happen. Every ten minutes you can see some tragic slapstick routine of people slipping and running as the train comes by.
“...the walkway has astounding acoustics, so no matter where you fall, people will hear you scream.” The Entry to Coffman: Coffman is the student hub so a lot of people prance through its halls in wet shoes. Instead of figuring out some responsible system for dealing with the water, the administration has decided to place a single fan in front of the door. One fan for two doors in front of the student hub. Obviously the water in front of the door freezes, so the first step you take in the building might be the last you ever take. When you slip in the marble entrance, it feels like you’re
going down a mystery ice slide followed by a belly flop into a pool of disgusting mud water. When you’re lying on the ground counting the number of slipped discs in your back ask yourself this: Was getting Jamba Juice worth this? The Steps to Amundson: The large steps to this chemical engineering building are especially terrifying because they twist at one point during the climb up. So once you clear the first frozen disaster of steps, you turn and find a thin icy sheath covering the next flight of steps. To
add insult to injury, the steps are so wide that unless you’re cradling the edges of the staircase, you’re unable to actually hold onto the railing. Let’s just say a lot of Humpty Dumptys have felt this great fall. So now you know about all the icy death traps on campus. But be a diligent little Gopher, because the U will still be a tundra this winter, and possibly (definitely) spring season. Make sure you’re keeping an eye out, because as soon as you stop looking down for ice, you’ll be looking up for a medic.
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RAISING MONEY FOR NEXT SEMESTER’S TUITION
NEW BUSINESS CALCULATES LOWEST GRADE STUDENTS CAN GET ON A FINAL
OUR GUIDE TO SURVIVING THE POST-SEMESTER NETFLIX BINGING
OUR VERY OWN BODY PARTS ARE SO OVERRATED.
FINALLY!!!
GET COZY WITH A BEER AND A BLANKET, BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
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