The Black Sheep
fr Ga ee... me lik of e li Th ke ro th ne os sy ee ou pis to ode rr s en of te d.
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 14 • 5/2/13 - 5/8/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_umn
What To Do if Summer Never Comes Gabby VandenAvond wrote this
Let’s just say that mid-April’s lack of springtime weather is not Mother Nature’s idea of a sick joke. Go along the post-apocalyptic doom and gloom of this summer’s blockbuster lineup and pretend for just a moment that the snowy, drizzly, gray condition we’ve dealt with is actually how it’s going to be outdoors for the foreseeable future. Now reflect, fellow Gophers, are you ready to handle this for the rest of your life? Nonexistent studies show that a startling 96.4% of Americans would not know what to do when summer never comes. To avoid becoming another snobbish statistic, we’ve provided you with a survival guide for the eternal winter. No garlic required. Your foremost duty is to play the messenger. It may take some time to digest your dystopian reality, just as it took a while to realize that your prom date wasn’t going to show, or that UDS food is never as good as it was during Welcome Week. However, once you recognize the undeniable signs of unceasing white crap falling from the sky and a never-ending set of goose bumps on your arm, the first step is to post the hell out of it on Facebook. While the Maesters of The Citadel had white ravens to warn the Seven Kingdoms of their indefinite winters, we of the real world have social media. Chances are that your friends live under rocks and have no idea what is going on around them. Make sure they’re prepared. Next, you will now have to think for yourself: sustenance. Make a brave last trek into the cold to stockpile supplies from CVS. Your list should include, but is not limited to: silly string, popsicles, cookie dough, a beach ball, every $5 movie you can find in the bin, and condoms. If you can pick up a kitten on your way home, all the better. You may question the necessity of some items on the list, but trust in the manual. Let’s also not forget the home front. Close all windows and doors. There is nothing to be seen outside and leaving again will only depress you further. Turn up the heat and take off all your clothes. If you are practiced in the art of botany, dump out the dirt from all of your plants and make a dirt castle (let’s be honest, it’s the same thing as the sand-mixed-with-mud-and-dead-fish-castles you would make at Lake Michigan). Congratulations, you have now emulated hibernation.
When hibernating, it’s important to retain semblances of your humanity. An easy way to do this is do what humans do: make margaritas. If you don’t have any mix, mash up some of the popsicles you bought earlier and add some booze. Then, sit on top of your dirt castle and sing along to Jimmy Buffett (don’t panic or anything, he sounds just as cheesy when you’re drunk).
bought will now be put to good use. Summer lovin’, amIright?
Afterward, you should adorn your apartment with twinkle lights and stare at them while lying down with your significant other. Your drunken eyes will think they look like actual stars. Since you are already naked on the floor (see above), the condoms you
Lastly, if or when you decide that you’ve had enough summer fun and are ready for winter again, open your windows and what ho! Your wish has come true. You can finally pull out those mittens and boots… just in time for finals week.
Speaking of summer, the perpetual winter eliminates all chances of outdoor swimming. Be like MacGyver, fill the bathtub with water and float in an inner tube in it. Warning: No lifeguard on duty. Swim at your own risk. No diving.
what'’s inside Top 10 Most Pretentious Sayings on Campus
Roommates: A Consumer's Review
Why Being a Jedi is More Useful Than Your Degree
page 4
page 7
page 10
Ten phrases that make your douche levels go to eleven.
Get the full scoop on next semester's dejected prospects.
Trade in that fresh diploma for a lightsaber before it's too late.