The Black Sheep
M E F R E E. MO .. L RIE IKE S YO T H E U M DR ADE UNK THI EN S YE A R.
Vol. 6, Issue 13
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
4/24/14 - 4/30/14
DRUNK FRESHMAN DOESN’T EVEN MAKE IT TO SPRING JAM CORA NEISEN WROTE THIS
This time of year excitement for Spring Jam reaches a peak; bro tanks are sweeping campus, and fratio season is in full swing. The excitement for Spring Jam crescendos in the freshman dorms, as many first-year students report that they are gearing up for the best weekend of their lives. The Black Sheep heard rumors that several residents “want to bring THall to a new level of ratchet,” and CAs have reportedly been sending in reinforcements for weeks.
Sheep, conspicuously trying to hide a 1.75L of Svedka vodka under his shirt. Sandborn noted he was “headed to a rager in 246,” extending an offer to “tear up the dorms with [them], Project X-style.” Just then, a CA turned the corner and Sandborn ducked into a nearby bathroom. Sources have not yet confirmed if he stayed in that bathroom all night, or if he worked up the energy to produce a pathetic fist pump in true white-boy style back at the rager.
“Frankly, I hate Spring Jam,” CA Emily Johanson commented. “I’ve been doing this for three years now, and every year it’s the same routine. They blast stuff like Hoodie Allen, Mac Miller, whatever other white people anthems and puke all over the place. One year we used 18 pounds of that puke powder in three days.”
Reports confirm that Sandborn was later seen projectile vomiting into a urinal in that same bathroom. We spoke with Josh’s friends as they were leaving for the concert and they confirmed that it was in fact his freshman excitement that got the best of him:
The Black Sheep has confirmed that the liters of smuggled alcohol in university housing has set a new record. It was presumably that very alcohol that left one young man, Josh Sandborn, laying on the bathroom floor in boxers and a sombrero while his friends enjoyed mediocre music with hundreds of drunken 19-year-olds. We ran into Sandborn earlier in the day, stopping him for a brief interview. “I’ve never been so excited for a weekend in my life!” Sandborn noted to The Black
“Ah, he’ll be alright, we rolled him on his back,” an unnamed and obviously drunk freshman told us, “plus we let one of the CAs know, she said something under her breath and got a box of some powder shit. He was crying about some girl who cheated on him in the seventh grade.” Finding Sandborn on the bathroom floor next to his own powder-covered vomit, we sat down for another brief interview. “I don’t knoow what evenn happaned tonight, bro,” he commented. “The vodkaa was flooowing and then ‘All Night Longer’ came onn the Pandora and I just
don’t evena knowa, man.” When asked how he felt that he was missing the entire Spring Jam concert, he looked at us as if he had never even heard of Spring Jam. He proceeded to
tell us about that girl Katie that cheated on him in seventh grade. Our team walked him back to his room and laid him among the several empty bags of chips and empty boxes of pizza rolls on his futon.
Authorities confirmed that he muttered a comment about needing Jesus and water. Updates will follow during our 24 hour news channel NNCEU (National News Channel of Everything Unnecessary).
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PAGES 12-13
FRAT AVOIDS INSECURITIES BY DRINKING IN FRONT YARD
STUDENT TRANSFERS TO CSE, BECOMES AWKWARD
THE TEN PEOPLE YOU’LL SEE AT MUSIC FESTIVALS
BECAUSE DRINKING AWAY YOUR PROBLEMS IS THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH THEM.
WHATEVER, HE’S ALWAYS HAD A LOVE OF CIRCUITS.
WE BREAK DOWN THE CLICHES YOU’RE SURE TO SEE THIS SUMMER.
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